Soooo...

I went off at 11.30 pm knowing very well in my mind that Jeff wasn't going to call in search of an open gas station. I wound myself through the streets of Traverse City in my car, also knowing that nothing would probably be open except for Meijer. Begrudgingly, I shifted into 5th gear and headed across town

Bored bored bored was I. After filling up my tank for an unheard of price of 3.08 per gallon, I decided to blow my last two dollars that I had to my name on a Slurpee and a 50 cent bag of sunflower seeds.

I wasn't exactly sure where I was driving myself, but I found parking at Bethlehem Luthern across from Bryant Park and walked along the beach. I pulled out a Lucky Strike and... dear God it was good. I hate smoking in all honesty. I think it's disgusting and I hate the fact that I do it, but sitting on the bench, watching the tide come in and glancing occassionally at the city lights made that cigarette the best one I've ever had. I felt lethargic. I didn't want to move.

I spent 30 minutes sitting there talking aloud to myself and realizing what a total dumbshit I must have sounded like to anyone who would have passed by. I spoke to everyone and no one about my trivial ventures. How I'm not really sure if I'm angry with Zavy or if I still love him. How I truly feel about Jeff and how I'm embarassed of my shyness when I'm around him. I don't care what he says. It may be cute to him, but to me it's a character flaw. Damn me. Damn me straight to hell.

And now I'm here, on my couch next to Phillip and wondering if anyone will ever read this garbage. These matters aren't important. If I were working a minimum wage job, ousted from the family and 6 months pregnant, then it might make for some interesting reading.

Oh pregnancy. The thought makes me cringe but jealous at the same time. I'd like a baby. I'd really like a baby. Right now even. I know, I know. I'm young and have a promising future. Here's the fact of the matter: no one would be interested in filling my uterus in this moment. God bless them all.