Annie Jones on: Christmas

I've been dodging Christmas, haven't I? Completly not writing about it....oh well.

Christmas Eve was a day comprised of sleeping (yay!) and phoning back to the states in the early afternoon. My parents went to New York for Christmas ("It's just too painful to be around the house without you" Says mom. God...shut up, please.) so I called my Grandma and i got to talk to my two aunts and their kids. The baby, who will be the last child in the family until I have children, just turned two and she was such a riot on the phone. "Stephie, I miss you, I love you!" Little Lexa-loo-loo. Man, I wanna see her. She's getting so big!

At 8 all the kids went over to my host dad's house (my host parents are divorced) and we ate Christmas dinner. At 12, we had a toast with pineapple champagne and then we went outside to blow stuff up.

That's a big, Argentine thing, blowing stuff up on Christmas and New Year. My brothers and i set of mini bombs and bottle rockets. We tried to set off a globo, which is a paper balloon with burning cotton inside so it rises by itself, but I guess we put way too much kerosene on the cotton, because.... It caught on fire and landed on Ariel's back. It didn't hurt him or burn him in anyway, but it was funny to hear my 22 year old brother swearing like that from fear. ^_^*

When we got back home at about one, we openned all our presents. I felt bad, because everyone have something like 2 gifts, but I had 4 and they were all from the family. I recieved a shirt that says Argentina on it, a red belt, a pair of VERY cool earrings, and a pair of sandals. It was nice to feel remembered. I didn't expect to see anything under that meter high tree for me.

Christmas day was very slow and boring. We ate Christmas lunch and guess what it was. TURKEY! We got a Turkey! At 8 we went to mass which was a new insightful look onto their religion seeing as I'm Jewish. The cathedral was beautiful. I wanted to take pictures, but I refrained. I'm sure it would have been frowned upon.

Our Christmas dinner though....guess where we went. McDonald's. Is that the coolest or what?

Oh and by the way Robert, we'll go to McDonald´s in Cordoba. Capital ain't too shabby now, huh?!

New years is in... oh shit, 3 days? I gotta go shopping. I'm gonna buy an outfit to go out in that night. Woot.

Trying to think of a way to end this entry, but I don't know how. So I'm giving up.

Annie Jones on: Nostalgia

I think I've figured out two things which shouldn't count as two things, seeing as they go hand in hand, but whatever.

1. I spent spent 3 hours on Kazaa downloading Leary skits because it reminds me of Alex.

2. Alex listens to Dennis Leary a lot, and his voice inflection at times just makes me crack up because it's JUST like Alex. Leary influenced the boy.

I've been staying up late recently, like 5 am, sometimes 6 and just...talking on the computer. The past two days I've had conversations with Alex, I usually don't get to have conversations/talk to him often, so the first night was catching up, and the second night was just... random conversation like we've always had. You gotta believe me when I say I don't wanna come home. It's pretty plain and simple, though it confuses the fuck out of everyone.

"Why do you want to stay there?! You have money here, and a room, and a cat, and friends, and..."

Shut up. I may be living day to day allowence of 14 pesos, but I can save it up for a week and buy something special! Like for example tomorrow I'm hopping to get on the bus for the centro so I can buy a black skirt and black polo to go out in for New Years. I'm also hoping to find blood red lipstick. I will scare my classmates. ^_^*

I have a room here too. It's not Japanese, nor is it blood red, but I can sleep there.

The cat I have here is dumb. It drools on you, like literally spit just tumbles out of her mouth. Still a cat.

I got friends here too. I can't ever leave them....

Fantin is looking at coming to the USA for a year. He'd be living with me. Jesus, I can't WAIT to see if it'll work out. He said if he can, he'll come to prom with me for my senior year.

We were always friends before...well, not immediately after he found out I liked him. But suddenly he sat by me one day in class and now we're like, the wonder-team. He calls me and sees if I wanna go out and do stuff, and vise versa. He randomly stops at my house. But a few days ago I talked to him on the phone...and he said I love you....

Yeah, whatever. I'm still rocking it up in S.A.

Annie Jones on: That Little Happy Face

Every exchange student should know what I'm talking about. You know those days where you just wake up look at yourself in the mirror (try to figure out what the fuck that dream signified, then translating it back into english so you might understand the gist of it), and say "I don't really want to be in a good mood today". Regardless of this, you jump in the shower, sit at the kitchen table with your morning coffee, and when your host mom walks in, smile the biggest smile you can muster.

Those days, are in a bigger supply than one may think.

Inside, you're having a shitty day and you want to tell someone, but that may lead them to think that you aren't enjoying your time in their country, but you really are. Therefore you keep it bottled up and put on the exchange student smile we all know so well. That is, until one night you're in your bed and it just explodes. It's like a dam breaking and all this pressure comes forward and you get it out. All of it.

And the next day is the same way.

There's always a time where you just can't fake it anymore, which is usually right before you break and sob to yourself in english. You can't hide the feelings you have behind the mask you wear day to day. It's not that you feel alone. It's not that you even feel homesick. You just... have a bad day and you can't show how you really feel.

I guess that's what I took for granted in the states. I've always been a very extroverted person. If I'm happy, I'll smile. If I'm sad, I will cry, and quite often have little to no regard if I'm in public or not. If I'm having a bad day, then I'll let myself have a bad day. If it's a good day, I'll share it with others.

The problem with exchangees is that you have to be happy all the time or else you feel like you're doing something wrong. For another person to distinguish your good days from your bad days would be virtually impossible because of that little happy face. I still want to share my happy days, but that would be 'everyday', wouldn't it?

This is the dark side to exchange. It's not the homesickness. It's the feelings you surpress.

So how's my day going? Seriously?

Well, I woke up at about 2 (I went over to Andrés' house last night and stayed until about 3:30. I got to sleep at about 4:30) and made myself some pancakes. I called Fantin, Gastón, and Santi to see if they wanted to come over for some maté and social time. They said they'd be over at 4:30.

I'm sitting at my kitchen table watching TV at 4:30 and drinking a bit of maté by myself. 4:45 rolls around and I'm certainly not worried, considering Argentine's are always late for everything and I'm very much engrossed in my movie. The clock strikes 5, 5:15, 5:30. Now I'm starting to feel a little bad. At 6, it hits me that I was forgotten.

They forgot to come over to my house when I had called them the hour before.

Last night I when went over to Andrés' house, I got there an hour early because Gastón told me that we were going to meet there at 9, but Andrés said 10. I was the only person at his house with him, and I caught him in the middle of a shower.

Nonetheless, being the gentleman he is, got out of the shower and we took a walk over to Santi's house. We all talked a bit. Santi's little brother fell down and scrapped his knee, so Andrés and I were left outside, looking at the moon.

He examined a scar on his knee. I asked him what had happened. He had fallen down when riding a bike at 6 years old. We both laughed and he asked if I had any. I said yes, but refused to tell him anymore. He pushed. So I pulled up the sleeve on my polar fleece and showed him my arms. You could see the scars, even by the pale light of the moon. He frowned, looking at my arm, then my face.

"What happened?" He asked.

"I used to cut." I said, looking straight into his eyes for one of the very few times. My heart pounded. I knew it, he thought I was a freak now.

Quite the contrary.

So I told him what happened to me... why I did it. I didn't realize it before, but I did cut to try to die. I cut because I was lonely. The thing that kept me alive was that I was going to come to Argentina and meet all these people...and I kept myself alive for that reason when I was living in the States and Argentina was just a dream.

And Andrés was one of these people. It was surreal.

I don't want people to know that I still think about it from time to time. I can't.

Because I have to put on That Little Happy Face.

Annie Jones on: Distance

Distance gets the better of you.

I know I'm simply setting myself up for complete and udder disappointment when I return, but the thing that keeps me going when I hear bad news from the USA, is I can pretend. I can close my eyes and totally absorb myself in the world I have here. To me Michigan, Traverse City, and even Central High doesn't exist. It can be just a dream. I went there once. I won't be going back.

It's just like what Argentina was like before I came, some illusion I made up in my head. I didn't know what it was like, yet still I ran so blindly towards it. And where am I now? Córdoba Capital, Barrio Jardín, Argentina. At my host home, typing this at 3:30 in the morning.

So what am I saying? I'm not quite so sure myself in reality. It's not that I'm not happy to hear from everybody back there in the snowbelt, because I am. I love hearing about it whether it be good or bad.

I guess I'm already trying to soothe the pain of leaving this place. I'm 4 months in, and I never want to leave. I want to lived the rest of my days in a flat with my husband and children.

Looking too far into the future, I know. I haven't even been accepted into university here yet.

By the way, I'm applying for University of Córdoba.

I cried when I got my letter that said I was accepted into Rotary, because I was told not to expect anything because of my history of depression and self-mutilation.

I made it though, didn't I? Even after I was accepted and still tried to die. I lived. All part of the big plan I suppose. Just gotta see where it goes.

I wish I'd hear from Mina though.

Annie Jones on: Future

I've actually been thinking about what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I want to major in international relations and minor in spanish. However, not only this, but I would like to go to university here, in Córdoba.

Claro, ahora mi castellano no es bien (mal tampoco, puedo trabajar), y a veces tengo problemas con la idioma, PERO ESTOY APRENDIENDO! Dame un poco tiempo! Mierda....

I've been having lots of fun with my cell phone. I'm a ringtone writer! Woot! I've successfully writen 'Under The Sea' from that fabulous Disney flick, The Little Mermaid (Which took place in Denmark, did you know that?) and 'My Country 'Tis of Thee'. They both sound good. I'd sell them if I could.

It's a warm day today. I miss cold temperatures a bit, but I know I'll get them in April when school starts again. Summer is gonna be time to relax and chill with friends and sweat plenty of weight off. Finally, no more rotting of boredom in class.

Time has flown by so fast already and I really, really, really don't want to go back to Michigan. I have so many awesome friends here and a family that loves me. Leaving them is gonna kill me.

Sure, I miss Ariana. I miss Alex (A lot, surprisingly. Every bitter memory and all the nasty fights we ever got into I've forgotten.). My Mom and Dad sometimes cross my mind too, but I know they'll be there when I got back. Who knows when I'll eventually get back to Córdoba? I mean, hopefully in January of 2007 for university, but there's so much time between then and now.

There's something like 205 days until I go back (according to Mom's countdown). No way.

Another thing I like about Argentina? It's making me lose weight and I'm like: 'Hmmm, yeah. I dig it.' When I arrived, I weighed 160 pounds or approximately 71 kilos. I hopped on the scale today because I noticed that all my pants actually fall off if I walk around in them without a belt. Now I'm at 145 or something like 64.25 kilos. I've lost 15 pounds since I've arrived and in all honesty, I eat normal foods and don't drink tons of water. Maybe it's because I had a 20 minute walk to school and the same walk back and then if I wanted anything else, I'd walk to go get it.

I wish I had a bike though.... Pimp ass.

And I wish these bugs would stop biting me. I'm not supper.

Annie Jones sobre: Cumpleaños

A ver si puedo escribir en castellano. Claro, puedo. ^_^* Espero en los años que vienen, puedo recordar mi idioma, pero siempre es posible olividaré. Me encanta castellano. Me encanta Argentina, la gente, mis putos....¡todo! ¡Viva Argentina!

Spanish and I are really good friends.

Yesterday was my birthday party and even though it was 5 days early and during summer, I could help smiling and feeling on top of the world (and not any older what-so-ever!). Girls birthdays in Argentina are a really good excuse to give each other really tacky earrings, and I'm totally digging it. I'm a sucker for Argentine earrings, especially the ones that the hippies make and they nearly touch your shoulders.

But I had a bunch of friends over and we ate cake, listened to shitty American music (YAY!) and had a good time in general. In all honesty, that was the BEST party I've had in my entire life. I'm surrounded by my friends here and I can't imagine ever leaving here. Never, I'll never leave!

We even had a cake fight, and this morning I was washing chocolate cake out of my hair. Even though I won't admit it, I did start it. I smeared frosting on Andrés' cheek. It then proceeded to get a bit out of control, and my Mom nearly had a siezure on us. Luckily my face was the one with the most cake on it, so I was able to say all I did was recieve it. I then proceeded to hide my hands behind my back so she wouldn't see all the cake on them. ^_^*

As a group we walked Gastón back to his house and we said goodbye. On the way back to my house, Andrés and I walked behind the group. We talked in english, so as no one could understand us (Okay, Fantin AND Max could, but it doesn't matter, they were having an avid, spanish conversation). He was telling me that he was going to Rio Cuarto for a while. He'd be back for my birthday (like the day) because his sister's is the next day, but when he returned from Rio Cuarto for good, he said he like to 'take me out sometime'.

And then he gave me all the numbers of everywhere he'd be for like the next month so I could always talk with him.

Woah...does he...?

Nah.

Annie Jones on: Happiness

Woah. Honestly, who would have thought that I'd be this happy at this stage in the game? At this point, it's supposed to be my low, low time, but honestly, how can I be low when all these good things are going on around me?? Life is beautiful!

There's a new exchange student in town. She's pretty cool, from Africa. We went shopping the other day with a few girls from my school. They kept asking her questions and she doesn't speak spanish, nor do they speak english. So I tried my best to translate. No, I didn't even try. It just came to me. I could translate everything and understand everything down to the single word.

I'm not fluent, but I'm getting there and the way my classmates looked at me, I'll never forget it. I remember Pia's face best. It was a good smile, a smile that was that of a proud person. I could read it in her face. She was saying 'I told you that you'd be able to do it one day.'

My birthday isn't too far off. I'll be 17 and that seems so crazy. It doesn't seem possible that in only one more year I'll be legal. I get to have a party, and I'm excited to get all my friends together and say that these are the people I love, and I get to be with all of them at the same time. A cake, the Argentine night sky, and cuarteto. How wonderful.

I recieved Katie in the mail and I've been sleeping like a baby ever since. It's so amazing the power that little stuffed bear has over me. I cried so many times because I lost the bloody thing. When I openned the package at the post office, it was everything I could do not to cry in front of everybody. I was in the best mood I'd been in for a long time.

And I get to spend Christmas in Argentina....

And last: Annie has a boy half now. Okay, not a boy half. I don't really like him that way, but he really likes me. He messages me on my phone all the time. It's sweet, but I'm almost 17, and he's 15 1/2. He doesn't see what the problem is. 1. I like someone else....even though it's hopeless and he'll never like me, I know I've got a GREAT friend. 2. That's majorly robbing the craddle.

It's odd. A good odd. Everything is. Except Bush. He's just...odd.

Annie Jones on: School

Happy Thanksgiving from all of us down at the end of the world. Well, maybe not all of us. We don't all like you.

So! I spent my Thanksgiving at school. My school is being a pile of squirrel asses. I'm excused from exams so I don't have to go to school for the next week. All I have to do is get this one projects done. It's about how fucked up Latin America is, and how they need to get their act together. ^_^* That was my solo project. I came home from school today with 3 projects I need to do now, including my Literature project.... JESUS! My literature teacher is the cheif squirrel ass.

I have to read a book that's in 'ye olde español'. I wouldn't care so much - actually not at all, if it weren't for the strings attatched. This book is 200 some pages long, I have to write a report on my opinion of this book, and it's due when? Oh yeah. I week from today. I don't even own the damned book. Ye olde español....you assholes! I can't even understand it! It's about communism!

Ah Jesus...and I just looked up 'recent searches' on Kazaa.... Well, I suppose my brother has to get off on porno like every other guy.

Sorry if this grosses you out a bit reader, but I REALLY need to get this out.

Taking a shower in the morning has turned a dreaded event for me. My brothers refuse to wash their public hairs away. From the soap, to the bottom of the tub, to the walls.... Don't ask me how the hell they got there.

Okay then. Got that out. I'm just so scarred from those damn pubic hairs!!

Annie Jones on: Self-Liberation

Is it really self-liberation? I dunno. I don't care though either.

I took a walk today after going to band. I was thinking 'It won't hurt me to take a walk.' So I walked. I walked until I made myself lost. I was hurting so bad from this empty spot in my heart; where my home is and where the boyfriend is supposed to be. The hole that the boyfriend is supposed to occupy has figuratively scarred up so it doesn't hurt anymore. But this home thing. This isn't home. Argentina isn't my home.

Daddy told me that when I get homesick to look up at the sky at night. He told me that those are the same stars that he was sleeping under. They aren't the same. The southern hemisphere has totally different stars.

Okay so this whole entry isn't about self-liberation. But what was I supposed to name it? Angsty ramblings? That's every entry folks!

So Annie got lost in Córdoba Capital, second biggest city in the country. If my host family would have known, I'd have been slapped and locked into my loft. It wasn't even unintentional. I intentionally took streets I didn't know so I could get lost.

As soon as I was about to flag down a taxi, I saw a huge billboard that I recognized. I kept walking and I was in front of Plaza Olmos, about a 4 peso taxi ride from my house. I didn't stop there like I knew I should. I kept walking. I walked so far that I cut atleast a peso off my taxi ride. I got into a taxi right at the split of two neighborhoods, mine and another.

So homesickness did something good for me. I took a really long walk today. And saved a peso or two.

Annie Jones on: Exchange

Exchanges kinda suck.

I'm not really so incredibly homesick, but I'm so yearning for someone to love me.

Okay scratch that. I'm homesick. I hate this fucking place. It's beyond wanting to cry and everything. It's more like I want to blow up this stupid country and everybody in it. Okay! Choice people to take out, but I really don't like this place so much.

It's almost as dumb as that shirt Karen and I saw.

... Yeah.

I really want to see Robert right now. Or just call him up and have a normal Robert-Annie Conversation. Something completely random and stupid. Something not even worthwhile to talk about to normal people.

Wow, right as I type those words, guess who gets online. ^_^*

So my wish list has changed. 1. To go to General Roca and be with Robert 2. Every language in the world....blah, blah, blah. 2. Be in love.

Chau. Can't focus.

Annie Jones on: Languages

Languages are wierd.

So I'm not fluent in every language in the world, but whatever. However, spoke with many people on the south trip to Patagonia and I did mark some very...special things about langages. (And I mean the kind of special like the kids who ride the short bus to school and somehow manage to hurt themselves while eating pudding with rubber spoons. That kind of special.)

English: Ahhh. How good it is to have english words flow from my fingertips instead of spanish clumsily stumbling out. One thing I've noticed from the english language, is that we combine two words together all the time. For example, we're is 'we are'. That's not a big one, seeing as it makes a slight bit of sense. However, who the hell would get 'gonna' out of 'going to'? The english language makes sense to us however because we speak it.

German: Before this trip, Germans or Austrians always sounded like they were having very avid conversations and/or yelling at each other. For the most part, German seems to be quite similar in many aspects to english. Take for example 'Das ist scheiße' which means 'that is shit'. Think about it, I was able to pick that out of a very avid and angry german conversation. That's such an obvious phrase.

Spanish: YAY! Now I get to pick on my host langauge. Spanish is... one of the greatest langauges on the earth, yet at the same time I hate it so much. Spanish combines two words too, but not NEARLY as much as english. 'Me entiendes' means 'do you understand'. You can imagine I hear this one a great deal. The Argentines have found a way to make that question into one word (much to my and Robert's enjoyment seeing as we say it all the time with the tackiest north american accent possible). It's now 'mentendes'. Errr, wow.

Portuguese: What an absolutely beautiful language. It's nice to listen and attempt to speak it, especially when the words come from Daniel, the boy from Brasil. He makes Portuguese sound like a dream. However when I see it on paper or when some certain people speak it...it's like a drunk french man trying to speak spanish. He's not succeeding. ^_^* Your word from portuguese today?? 'Como vocé' means 'How are you'.

Danish: Often a forgotten language. It's not often spoken outside of Denmark though, is it? Danish is a bunch of letters randomly thrown together and struggling exchange students get to try and crack the code. 'Carnation' like the flower, is 'Nellike'. I mean, that one even makes a slight bit of sense! 'Hej' means 'Hello'. How old are you literally translates to where is your age. What the...?

Hindi: Yay. Hindi, I've never heard spoken to my recollection, but I know people fluent in the language. I love you is a phrase everyone should know in a different language and I know it in all of the above mentioned languages. However, in Hindi it's like what?! 'Mujhe tumse pyaar hai'. Blink, blink. Jesus Christ. 'Tum bahut badsoorat ho' means 'You are very ugly'. I'd use that daily if the Hindi language didn't just bitch slap me.

French: Holy shit, I gotta remember to be nice, but it's just so difficult! French is... a language I have never had or ever will have the desire to learn. The french language is comprised of 40% spanish, and still sounds haughty as hell. 'I love you' is 'Je t'aime'. I bet you're wondering that if I've not had the desire to learn french, how do I know how to say 'I love you?' I don't. I had to look it up on the internet. ^_^*

And the finale...

Dutch: I will never learn dutch, for the fact that I'm too stupid. I mean 'Stomme Eikel' means 'Stupid Squirrel'. (Please, don't ask....) I'm sure that it's a beautiful language, but no wonder everyone I know from the Netherlands is intellegent, Dutch is difficult.

SO! That's Annie's take on languages. Tune in next time while I try to write a shorter entry. ^_^* Bye.

The Republican Party should change its emblem from an elephant to a condom. The condom more clearly reflects the party's stance today. For example: the condom accepts inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually getting fucked.

Thank you, and I concede for the fact that Bush won. At first it was kind of like "DAMMIT! That asshole won again?" But now it's kind of like.... I mean, in order to love my country, I don't have to love my president. My country elected a president who I disagree with and I just have to admit that.

Trying not to be so political.

There's just so many observations that I have to make recently. For example, Argentine girls (or at least the ones I know) are pretty damn easy. I, on the other hand, am quite the prude when it comes to Argentine standards. I have made out with two people here. One was from Argentina and a friend, and one was my boyfriend (at the time). I still feel awful for the Argentine one though, it's like I've become so easy.

So my Katie bear. You know that little raggity thing that I looooove so much? I'm sure you do. Well while I was in San Martin with the other exchange students I left her under my pillow. >_<* Yeah, Annie's a bit of a scatter brain. I was so worried though...having to saw goodbye to Robert and Lena. Who would be able to remember everything after saying such awful goodbyes?

Maybe I just need a new fucking BRAIN. I left everything in San Martin from what I can tell. I left my sweatshirt which I bought in Bariloche like the day before, my camera and a friends (I got them both back thank GOD) and almost forgot my cell phone adapter.

Speaking of which I have a joke about brains.

A woman was dying and needed a very experimental process; a brain transplant. However this was her only hope of living and the family was willing to take this risk. At a pre-consultation, the doctor asked the patient and her family if they would prefer a female brain or a male brain. A female brain would only cost 500 dollars, but a male brain would set them back a whole 3,000 dollars.

The males in the family all smiles and snickered a bit at this. The mother of the patient asked "Why does a male brain cost so much more than a female's?"

"The female brain has actually been used."

I'm all over the place with my posts today, aren't I?

Yeah I know. I know. I haven't been writing. Vacations do that to you. Mine, by the way, was awesome. Patagonia is a wonderful place, and if I so choose to come live in Argentina when I get older, I'm hoping to live in Patagonia instead of Córdoba or Buenos Aires. I mean, I do love my city. Córdoba is really a great place to be, but I couldn't see myself living out the rest of my days in such an atmosphere.

I've met so many people, and my heart just breaks thinking that I'm not going to see them again for such a long time... and even some of them never again. The ones who are closest to me I'm looking to arrange travel to go visit them. Well, all except for one. That's Benjamin. I'm sorry to bring this whole thing down again, and with little to explain about my trip, I'm honestly talking about something that doesn't make any sense because you have no background.

Benjamin... is amazing. He lit up my entire life. We met the second day on our trip and ever since then, he's been shinning in my life....

I'll share more later, because I have to run... but it'll come out. I have to get it out. This whole experience.

I know I know I know. Don't shame me. I've written hundreds of entries (FINE! Not hundreds, but cetainly more than my fair share) and I do intend to share them with you all, but honestly when I am at home, my brothers are so awful about sharing the computer....

So Rini, I know you're probably reading this right now. How are you? I miss you so much right now. I don't know how it happened, but I'm homesick while on vacation. I miss the USA so much. Well, I do know...but I'd never admit it. You know my pride gets the better of me. Always.

We saw whales and that was pretty cool. And seals. We all went out on a boat and we got to see seals and shit in their natural habitat. And there were a bunch of whales. Jumping out of the water and everything...it was amazing. The scenery was beautiful, the air was crisp and cold, which is something I miss about the United States. Cold weather.

So that's the highlight of my day. Now I have free time from the world until 9:00 pm when we eat dinner and in all honesty, downtown Puerto Madryn has been done. I've done everything I've wanted or needed to do.

Please let me find a place to cry.... Just to be alone....or maybe with Karen. Where is she? She always makes me feel so much better. I remember when I called Alex in the airport in Miami, I had known her for maybe 6 hours, but she comforted me and I'm so lucky we're in the same district. I thank the heavens above for me being able to see her, though it may not be as often as I wish.

So life sucks here in Argentina. My camera fails to operate, and it's been two days since the start of vacation. So this is pretty cool.... Not really actually. I'm frustrated as fuck.

I WANT TO GO HOME SO MUCH SOMETIMES....

Rini...I love you. Say hi to EVERYONE for me okay?

I went out last night for the first time without someone of my family to accompany me. It was okay I guess. II enjoyed myself. Julieta, Gaston, Ramero, and Tomas went out and had a hard time trying to get into a club (Julieta didn't have ID, she lost hers a while back) so we said 'Fuck it' and went to a cyber in the neighborhood with good music, pool tables, and alcohol.

Tomas got pretty touchy feely with me and he didn't know that I'm in love with Andres. It's pretty much on a need to know basis. Julieta knows but she's a good friend of mine. So I tried to explain it to him in the best way I knew how in spanish (which is actually what I would have said in english if he spoke english).

"You know, right? You know that there's a boy and I really like him?" I said.

He ignored it and got closer to me.

"You know there's a boy. I love him, I'm sorry." I said again.

He went to the bathroom. I'm not sure what for. Maybe to throw up, possibly to cry. He wouldn't look at me for the rest of the night.

I got through the night without getting tipsy. Not Julieta, not Ramiro, and not Tomas. Gaston and I who are the lightest and smallest of the groups don't drink much to begin with anyway. We had two beers together and played pool. The sad thing is that we had two sober players against two tipsy players and we still lost.

The guy who ran the cyber with his friend (I'm sure that his friend is the finest thing I've seen nearly ever) played a few rounds of pool with us. He's cool with me. After a while day light was seen on the far east side of the city, so at around 6:00 am we all climbed into a taxi. This is where my story from an okay night turns into a shitty day.

I must have dropped my cell phone in the taxi, because when Julieta asked me to give her my cell phone for a second when Julieta, Gaston, and I got to my house, it wasn't in my pocket anymore. I freaked out a bit, and was really pissed at myself for loosing it.

This morning my sister and I texted messaged it and called it a few times. After a while, it was turned off, meaning somebody had it. Joli got a text message back saying 'I have your phone'. I was estastic. 'Who are you?' My sister messaged back. 'Me.' was the return response.

"He's playing with us...." My sister said. It was true...someone stole my cell phone after I had left it in the taxi, and they weren't going to give it back.

So we called my cell phone provider and canceled my plan. It didn't cost anything, but the fact that my cell phone is gone now and in US dollars I had 80 invested into it, I'm just pissed. So that guy who has it now can't do anything but turn it on and off. He can't resell it anywhere because he doesn't have a copy of the contract (a law here, I guess that you need the contract to prove it wasn't stolen) so the only choices he has are to return it to me or to throw it out. Maybe sell the battery.

Do you think if he know I was an exchange student...who I was and I why I had that phone in the first place, do you think he would have given it back? I called my parents on that phone. When I was homesick I would call Rini for words of encouragement. It's gone.

I'm scared to get a new phone because I don't want it to happen again. But do I really have a choice? Do I just learn to carry money on me, risk not being able to find a phone, or worse, risk being mugged because I flashed a peso or two (it happens here, man)? Once before I forgot money, and I had to beg people on the street. In a city of 2 million....it's dangerous in general anyway.

The amount it takes to buy a new cell phone is less than one months allowence I get from my parents in the USA. The choice is obvious: get a new cell phone and get a secure holder for my belt or something. I'm going shopping tomorrow. I guess I'll be taking another risk, but it's risker in the long run not having one at all.

Ever since Pia returned from Puerto Madryn, her and Fede are like the married couple from hell. They sit together in class (which never happened before), they take every step hand in hand, they smoke together, they walk in LATE together. Yeah, sure. I´m jealous, I find it really hard to get a shit about.

There’s not a lot I wouldn’t give to be in love. I know its really not necessary to have a man to keep me happy, but I’m so blinded to that right now. I don’t care anymore. It’s not like I want a serious and intense relationship (however, if it was written in the stars, I’m not objecting). Just someone to kiss me at times, MAYBE hold my hand, go out to the occasional disco with, maybe even a few down and dirty make out sessions (is this every guys fantasy?).

There’s a boy, a family friend of ours who is really nice. We went out to a disco a few times. He’s 19 and he lived in the USA for 2 year, in Colorado. He knows what I´m going through with the homesickness and everything. I feel bad though because the last time I saw him, he seemed mildly interested in me and it was when I hooked up with Mika’s cousin. He wouldn’t talk to me much after that and I understand completely. I feel and felt like such a slut….

What’s worse is that I don’t know when I’ll see him again. I haven’t seen him since that night. Is it just as simple as calling him up and saying “Hey! I’m taking you to a disco, and I’m in the Remis right now!” It’s not like he doesn’t understand the typical American girl and how she courts, but am I your typical girl?

Out of the four boyfriends (5 if you include Chris which you shouldn’t because I can’t remember much about that relationship considering I was 12.) I’ve had, 1 has asked me out. The rest I did by myself. Here girls don’t do shit like that. If you do that, you’re easy, and I found that out with Andres Fantin. Oops.

But whatever…YO ESTOY ESPERIANDO POR MI PRÍNCIPE AZUL!!! (I’m waiting for my prince charming).

I swear while walking to school I heard a man say "Mommy drank some poison last night so now she´s at home and...I dunno...ironing." I know I´m mistaken, but it was so funny.

After this weekend I´m no longer thinking in spanish. I have no will to try. I don´t want to do anything. I just want to speak english and sometimes I want to go home. It´s kinda like an infection on your heart. It´s gets all festered up and bleeds, but when it closes up it only hurts little. I cry myself to sleep sometimes.

Then factor in that I´m in LOVE!

I don´t like to hurt, but it´s bound to happen. You can´t go through life void of pain, and if you could, would you want to? It´d be boring.

I´m convinced not to let boys ruin my year, but every once in a while.... I almost screamed at Elias last night. He was talking to his girl, and I was VERY jealous.

Te odio.... I hate you so much. I can´t stand you! QUIERO VOS A MORIR! TE ODIO!" I swallowed the words back, but it was hard.I´ll never have normal feelings.

But love is normal, right?

Class today was aimless too. These leisurely days are nice. Hay un chico...Joli dice yo penso el es lindo...JA! Sí, ella es correcto...otra vez! Puta de mierda....

Chau.

I really hate sundays. We never do anything overly significant, but Grandma and Grandpa come over.I really don´t like them. Aparently whenever I open my mouth it means I want to learn something. This however, is NOT the case. He pisses me off a bit.

I´ve learned to just shut up while he´s around.

After they go home the 5 of us aimlessly wander around the house. No one goes anywhere,and rarely does anyone come over, except for Leti, but she´s always there. Her and Ariel need to hurry up, get married and move out. This shit is annoying.

Sundays usually mean war over the computer too. Since there really isn´t anything to do, the computer is a divine device. Ariel is convinced it is his computer because it was in storage in his room. If anyone dares ask for thecomputer, they get they´re head chewed off. I´ve learned to just fuck it and go down to the cyber.

But school is tomorrow,and that´s good. More stuff to do. This week went by too fast. I wish everyone could stay in Puerto Madryn for another week. Those classmates who stayed behind, I´ve become very closewith. I never thought I´d be overly close with Mika,but she´s probably my best girl friend here. Peoples true colors have come out, and I love it.

Fede was worried about me becasue he saw cuts on my hands from the cat. He thought that I was self inflicting it, so he watches me really close now. He drew a picture of a horse for me a while back and it´s hanging above my bed. He´s a very talented artist.

Santiago...I always thought he was so annoying, but now, he´s not so bad after all. He´s a good kid, and a great guitar player.

Fer is awesome without Anto around.

Pablo may never talk, but he´s so fun!

The wonder twins...they´ll never change. They´re still cute losers.

Agus is a tease. I like greeting him themost because you never know what he´ll do. You lean in for a kiss from him and he´ll turn his head or pretend to sneeze. It´s cute, but annoying.

Negro is sensitive and very easily provoked. I found that out while he started challenging the wonder twins to fights.

The last girl I can´t remember her name, but she´s nice and brought maté on Friday. She never talks.

So that´s the 11 of us, excluding me of course. But you know me. I love these classmates now. They´re great.

Three entries, three days. Be proud.

Yesterday my friend Mika and I wanted to go out dancing together, but we had two different clubs to go to for parties...or so we thought.

While walking to the bathroom, I was grabbed...by Mika! I met her cousin in real life for the first time. We had been talking on the internet and he was nice, and spoke english. He was cute. Beautiful eyes.

Over the music, Mika shouted in my ear "Das el un beso!"

I smiled. "What did she say?" He asked me in english.

"She said for me to kiss you."

He looked at me like 'Do you want to?'

I shrugged and I kissed him. It wasn´t only a kiss. It escalated into more, and this morning I have a mark on my neck to remember him by.

But we´ll see how things go...but he gave me my first real kiss here.

Today was actually one of the best days I´ve had in a long time, and probably the best day I´ve had since I arrived. Since school has to go on while my classmates are in Puerto Madryn, the 11 of us who stayed behind (of a class of well over 100) are required to go to school and stay, but we honestly do nothing. For example, today we stayed in the classroom for maybe 10 minutes until we went outside. It was a nice day, in the mid-70´s. The 11 of us sat in a mis-shapen circle, drinking maté, swaping stories, soaking in the morning and early afternoon sun, and my friend Santiago played the guitar for us. He would try to play as many songs that were in english as possible so that I could sing too. But there we were, the 11 of us sitting in that circle and talking and finally for the first time, we understood everyone else, and I´m not talking about a language barrier. When someone would speak, they would listen. It was very respectable. I´ve not seen anything like it. Argentines are always talking to each other and being what Americans would call ´rude´. So today was a good day. A great day. I even kissed my brother. To top the day off, I´m going to go to the disco with Ariel, Leti, and Joli. Joli is depressed I think, Mamí seemed VERY angry when I asked her what was wrong. Maybe that´s just not something you do here, but my classmates are constantly asking me if anything is wrong. It can´t be. You know those lines in your hands, people call them lifelines because those are what´s read when you get your palms read. Well I have a bug bite RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF ONE OF MY LIFELINES. So I can´t move my hand. Period. It´s annoying shit, man.

But I´m pretty sure I made a mistake. A boy in my class named Fer is great friends with Elias and all his other friends. They were in the same class last year, but Fer was held back. But anyway, I told Fer who I like, kind of on a blackmail scam. My friend Mika said that I "live with him". BECAUSE EVEN THEN IT´S HARD TO TELL. I live with two guys, come on man.

But they´re out getting drunk, and I´m nearly positive that he´s gonna tell. Fer can never keep his mouth shut for more than a required two minutes. I don´t want to live under the same roof if he finds out. How uncomfortable for the BOTH of us. I don´t want him miserable.

I was listening to music last night, as always and found a song.

Backbeat the word was on the street

That the fire in your heart is out

I'm sure you've heard it all before

But you never really had a doubt

I don't believe that anybody feels

The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding

And all the lights that lead us there are blinding

There are many things that I would

Like to say to you but I don't know how

Because maybe

You're gonna be the one who saves me?

And after all

You're my wonderwall

Is it possible the I can relax and shy away from boys until I´m over culture shock?! A boy in my class texted his girlfriend with my cell phone (Yes, I have a cell phone) and it hurt when she reponded because she responded to me. It sucked to see all this 'I love you' shit addressed to someone other than me. I know that by doing this I´m only setting myself up for more heartbreak, and god knows it´s the lat thing I need right now. If I knew a way to stop I would. Kinda like cutting. I hate this. I hate sitting in class, doing nothing, and leaving the world up to my imagination. I have an over-active imagination as is, but when you add another language I think they´re talking about me. A kid in the corner of the class was making noises. Like there´s this one noise my Dad will make when he´s tired, it´s like smacking his lips, and the kid was making that noise. I looked down at my desk smiling, but inside my head, I was crying, and I could hear myself say "Papiiiiii...!". I can´t believe how much I miss my Dad. I blinked rapidly, but I didn´t care anymore. So I put the hood up on my coat and cried. It upsets me a lot that he´s....just not here. I never thought I´d miss my Dad like this. I need a hug. I need to take my contacts out. I need to go up to my room and cry. So I´m signing out and doing just that.

Things seem so dark and dismal in the USA right now. I feel like there is this looming cloud over the USA, and something is going to happen. Something bad. My cousins are having a hard time in TC. Their mother just divorced and they were moved from their school 45 minutes away to a new school. Hannah cries everyday in class. They´re so young...how could anyone make them feel like this. Anyway, I wrote them a note. My little loves, Change is hard, and I know that just as much as you do. It´s scary going into things blindly, not knowing what to do or expect. I´m writing this to you from thousands of miles away from you right now. I´m scared. I don´t know what to do. It´s normal to be scared, and I´m so proud of you for being so brave. I love you both more than I could ever explain. You have brought me so much joy. Be strong you guys. You´ll make it. School will get better and so will life. Everbody has adjustment issues, but I feel like crying all the time. My heart hurts. I´m carrying this burden of missing home and then you factor in my unexpected falling in love, and I can´t take it anymore. Today is the first day of spring. It´s treated much like New Years is in the USA. My brothers both went out. So did my friends. Joli and I stayed home drinking mate and speaking english. I wish I would have gone out though. It´s not like I have another spring time here. When Joli and I went to the mall today, there was a woman floating around in a fairy costume playing the chimes to welcome spring. Kinda cool. Everyone is so excited to be away from winter, but winter isn´t winter without snow to me. I´ve crossed the one month mark. It scares me to think that I only have three more months with this family. I can´t move. I can´t. I love this family as my own. Like I was born into it. I forget that I wasn´t born by this mother and share common DNA with my siblings. God I hurt right now! Sometimes I wonder how I´ll make it. Even if I´ll make it. I know that in only 10 months I´ll look back on this and say "I did it!", but right now that road of uncertainty is so dark. I´m so lost and scared. All I want to do is get out of the storm of emotions and feel normal again. I remember being so upset that this family was my first. They didn´t seem interested in me at all. But now...now I am convinced I am the luckiest girl in the entire world because I´m with them.

Ayer, en clases estaron un chiste. No hacemos nada, excepto en clase de Literatura, pero tengo 4 clases mas. Me senté en mi silla TODO EL DIA y mandé mensajes de text a Joli. Ella le gusta mucho Juan. Pues...estoy contento porque ella esta contenta.

Pero ayer, tuvimos un conversacion, y todo palabra en castellano. Estoy orgullosa.

Mi compañeros me preguntan quien no me gust. Al principo, me gusta todo.Todos fueron muy simpaticos, pero ahora...dos chicas. Odio estar con ellas.

¿Cual es la fecha de hoy? Wow, 14 de Septiembre. En 4 dias esta mi un mes aniversario. No puedo creerio. No parecer real.. A veces quiero volver a E.E. U.U. pero casi siempre quiero estar aca. Me gusta mi familia, me gusta mi casa....todo esta bien.

I had one of the wierdest dreams last night. I had confessed my love to Andres and I think a boy kissed me aand he saw. I went to school on Monday and he wasn´t there, but there was a note from him on my desk. It was a story about boys all over the world killing themselves for the girls they love. It also explained that he had gone to Chicago because he hurt too much to be around me. He said he would have killed himself, but then he wouldn´t know what would happen with me.

Yeah, fucked up.

Elias and I were walking to school today and these two dogs followed us. They started doing it right in front of us. I was so humiliated.

Joli had her first date in years last night. We recently had a conversation that we hate Ariel´s girlfriend because she is first priority in his life. It should be Mamí first, Joli, Tefi, Me, and then Leti, his girlfriend.

But anyway she had a date and now I´m jealous. Before, it felt like I was first priority in her life and now I feel put to the side....she has a boyfriend to worry about now. Ariel comes to the house to sleep and eat (sometimes not even that), otherwise he´s at work or with her. That bitch stole my brother, now my sister is being stolen! So help me god if he hurts her, I´ll be put in jail.

Saturday I went out with Joli, Ariel, Joli´s friends, Pato, and Alexis (Both boys and friends of my brother). While my sister was dancing with some of her friends, I was drinking with the boys. So imagine this: A 16 year old girl with a beer in her hand, and three 21 year olds holding the same and dancing with her. It was sexy. Pato and Ariel both got sick before we reached home. Ariel had a bad hang-over, and for drinking as much as I did, I escaped unscathed...with only a mild headache.

My word for today is reír. I means ´to laugh´.

Yesterday may have sucked a lot, but today...so awesome. Andres said he´d call me for a date.

Lots happened today. For example I was sitting in class and around 8:50 am, my desk started shaking. I told the guy in front of me to stop, but he wasn´t doing it. The floor trembled, and the cieling fans started swaying. I grabbed my dictionary and frantically looked for the word I wanted. Terremoto by the way; means earthquake.

We were rushed downstaits and outside. When I saw Elias and his friends in the schoolyard, they laughed at my scared face.I can´t blame them...but Jesus, I was a scared little chicky.

I´m sorry professor, but I can´t pay attention right now.

Karen went back to Chilecito yesterday and while we promised to visit each other, it felt like I was never going to see her again and it was really hard to let her go. I´m clinging to something familiar right now....a friend. Sure, there are people here who would call themselves my friends but honestly what do they know about me? They´ve known me for three weeks.

There´s this one girl in my class who is totally playing the ´buddy-buddy´ card on me. I don´t think she even likes me. It´s like a popularity ploy. She´s all over every guy in class including my beloved Andres. She´s dirty and I can´t stand her!

I don´t think I´ve had a normal feeling day since I´ve arrived here. For exapmle right now, I want out so bad, but if given the opportunity I wouldn´t take it.

Karen and I went grocery shopping. Her town is small, meaning her supermarcados aren´t nearly as large as my city´s. We found Oreos and M&M´s and American hair things...It was nice.

Rotary weekend was fun. Met a redneck, had an interest, he was scum, made it go away. Ta da. Simple.

My friend had to come home with me because she´s catching a bus to her city tonight at 11:30 pm. I´m glad she´s here though. I traveled from Chicago on with her. It´s nice to know we´re in the same district. If I couldn´t see her again, I´d be upset. So I have her for the rest of the night!!!

I´m dying to play DDR right now....

Wow. I totally have nothing to say. I´m out then. Love and hugs.

The letter to my mother:

So what´s up? School is starting soon up there. Wednesday I hear?

I´m pretty excited for my Rotary weekend tomorrow. I don´t really want to go out this weekend anyway. I don´t want to be dead on Sunday again. When I´m really tired, I completely space on spanish and in english. Like when my brother had to wake me up, apparently I ´screamed at him in english´. Yeah. Whatever, you crazy.....

People at my school are still in the pointing and whispering phase of this whole....thingy. I can´t think at all today. I nearly fell asleep in class. My english teacher wouldn´t have cared. She says if your fluent or if you try hard, then you´ll get an A in the class. She thinks it´s a joke that I´m required to take English. She said that if I want to use my english class for study time or whatever, she´ll give me credit. I like her. She´s nice to me.

I think I shocked my host Mom when she came home after 2 days of being gone, and I was actually talkative, and saying nothing in english. She´s starting to speed up her words, and she doesn´t realize she does it I´m sure, but it kinda sucks. I don´t like the spanish word for slower. I think I sound dumb when I say it. Despacio....arg.

One thing I´ve noticed about some of the boys here (my age) are so secure in their sexuality, they will do anything in their power to try and convince people they are gay. American boys don´t go around with arms around each other to try to freak you out. To them, it´s like another game of "tease the yank". Lots of games are like that.

I have gym today. Woot.

I´m not dreaming in spanish yet, but when I think (oh wow...WHEN I think...) it´s in half english and half spanish. It´s pretty screwed up. My sister thinks it´s funny. Yeah, haha Joli. Brat.

I held my first conversation yesterday night. It was about how I was adjusting and stuff and the differences between American schools and Argentine schools. Big differences.

Yesterday I was so fed up with my classmates. They were disrespecting the teacher something wretched, so out of anger I wrote in my notebook: "Todos al dias, oigo palabras no comprendo. Pero tu puedes. Escuchen." (YAY!) It translates to "Everyday, I hear words I don´t understand, but you can. Just listen." I just kept quiet though. I didn´t want to say anything and get laughed at again because I sound like a Yank.

Mmmmhmmm so I´ve run out of interesting witting things to say, so! I´ll end it here!

Love ya,

Steph

The stuff I left out:

That today was really....I dunno.

There´s some stuff I don´t even want to put in here for fear that someone will tell someone else or something like that. I know that I´m safe putting shit in my diary because let´s face it...Eli,Ariel, Mamí, and Maria don´t speak english. Joli, my sister, doesn´t go into my room without my permisson, and even then she´s apprehensive.

I finally got to talk to Rini and Alex. It was so great to hear them. I´m sure I sounded dumb laughing and sobbing on the phone at the same time (I know that my brother Ariel stared at me for a while). Sorry guys, but it was so great. I´m buying another calling card today so I can call them again.

I should buy some fun nail polish. Like purple or dark blue. I don´t have anything except for black.

Oh yeah. Sorry about the lapse in entries. I hope this entry (which is longer than usual) will satisfy your hunger. Graaaawl.

There´s this one part in the movie dumb and dumber that makes me laugh everytime,but I heard it in spanish and nearly pissed myself.

"He´s dead."

"Who´s dead?"

"Petey."

"What? Oh...how´d he die?"

"::sobs:: His head fell off!"

"His what?!"

"::sob:: Yeah, he was pretty old."

HAHAHAHAAAA! Yeah!

Life is continuing here. I´m past the first stage of culture shock where everything is eçreally cool and magical. It´s normal, day to day life. The next stage is supposed to be I HATE IT HERE, but I only feel that way sometimes, and only at school. School troubles me a bit. No the courses, the people.

I enjoy my walk home with Elias though.We don´t talk much, and the awkward silence kills me, but I enjoy his company, no matter how silent it may be.

One thing I feel is special here are the dogs. It´s not uncommon to see dogs wandering the street. Yesterday while walking to Gym, I saw this beautiful dog that looked like it could be a mix between a Collie and a German Sherherd. It was sleeping in front of the DISCO store, which is like a supermarket here.

There´s something different about there dogs. They´re the nicest, sweetest, most friendly dogs I´ve seen in my entire life. They´re so loyal. One night, my brother and I were walking down to the neighborhood kiosco and our ´neighborhood dog´ followed us. She waited patiently outside while we got our supplies, then continued to follow us home. The next morning, she was asleep on our lawn.

The dogs my family has are yappy, nasty little bitches.

My sister and I were talking the other night and she touched her face and said "Tommy hurts." I asked her what the hell she was talking about, and my brother...names her zits. This one was named Tommy.

I´m to the point where I can understand nearly everything that is being said. It´s convienent knowing what people are saying.

I have times where people are asking me lots of questions, and all I want is to be left alone, so I say ´Qué?´ until they give up and leave me alone. I know it´s bad to do, but I realy don´t care. I´m just being lazy.....

One thing I´ve noticed about school,is that NO ONE wore the uniform, until I started wearing it. More and more, girls are wearing it.

One of these conversations where someone says I don´t understand anything, I will pay attention just to prove them wrong. I might even jump in and say something.

My brother Elias...there´s so many things I wasnt to say to him, but I can´t because he doesn´t understand me. I am not proficent enough to hold a conversation with my brother. I can ask him certain things, like if he wants to go for a walk, if wants more of something at dinner, if his friends are cming over, etc. I want to tell him so many things. I want to thank him for letting me be around him and hang out with his friends. I know I steal a little bit of his thunder. I´m sure he´s probably getting tired of me. And I lied to my mother about him...I have traces of feelings towards him, and it´s confusing me.

Ariana, I pulled something out of the dog, and it´s "what day is it today?" It´s Monday, the 23rd of August. When I pulled it out though, it was Tuesday, the 17th of August. I love you. You know that right?

Tefi, my sister, left for U.S.A. today. I never could understand my mother for trying to keep me at home while I had such a great experience ahead of me, but one look at Mamí, and I understood. All it took was a little observation, and suddenly I understood EVERYTHING.

Sometimes I have to wonder if my family really likes me. If my classmates actually like me. I wonder day in and day out what people actually think of me.

I find myself being restrained by my brain that people in Argentina think differently. I can´t hug all my brothers friends (whom I would consider friends as well) and kiss them on the cheek as I normally would in the United States. I have to do the classic Argentine star kiss or else I´m considered easy. Heather warned me that unless I make many girl friends, I will be considered the slut. I don´t have girl friends. I don´t make girl friends.

It´s confusing. I can do the Argentine kiss thing and make out with a guy in a disco (Heh...oops...) and never see him again and be considered completely normal, but I can´t hug my brother or his friends in the hallway at school?

Yeah...the disco mistake thing. He was drunk. I was tipsy. I don´t know how to say ´get off me you stupid bastard´ in Spanish.

I wish I could tell Elias how I feel, but I don´t want to fuck up anything that we have going. he´s a great brother, and even better friend. Have you noticed that when you like someone, you bottle it up. Eventually, you tell someone. They keep it a secret. You think "I don´t want to fuck up the relationship we have right now, so I´ll just keep my mouth shut." Eventually it just boils over and you risk your friendship and everything......

And they say ´they knew´...but they can´t return the feelings. I hate that. It happens nearly everytime.

I send my love to you all. Behave! All of you! Don´t make the disco mistake I made. ^_^*

So I made it!

School is pretty cool. We have a uniform, and it´s freaking awesome.

I was out last night with my two sisters, my brother, and a bunch of friends. I had a great time. We went to a disco, and I learned how to dance like a real Argentine. They loved the way I danced, all American punk like. They thought it was pretty funny that I could head-bang.

So I learned the ´latin american grind thing´ where it´s impossible to do unless your constantly on each other. It was cool. Apparently, so says my sister and all the guys I danced with, I´m good at it. ^_^*

I was warned that teenagers don´t have a curfew before I came. What time would you expect a 16 year old girl home who doesn´t have a curfew? 1:00 am?

I crawled into bed immediately when I got home....at 8:00 am.

My brothers are nice. My older brother´s name is Ariel and he´s about 26 or something. My older sister, Joli (pronounced Holly) is 23 and she kicks ass. We´re more like friends than anything else. Tefi is going to go on exchange soon, and she´s 18. She´s going to Ohio. Finally, my brother Elias is 17, and he´s.....wierd to say the least. I love him dearly, but I honestly wonder if he thinks I´m easy, or dumb.... I´m afraid of what he thinks of me. We play poker a lot.

My Mom.....is awesome. There´s no other way to explain her.

I gotta run though, I´m in an internet cafe, since the computer at home doesn´t have internet. All my love to all of you out in cyber-land.

Chau.

I hurt so....badly. I'm sitting here, typing this absolutely sobbing, so I apologize for any typos or gramatical errors, but I just don't care anymore.

I don't want to leave. I leave in... 80 hours. I'm so scared. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be away from Alex. I don't want to be away from Rini. The thought of being seperated from them for a year.... It hurts to breathe. It hurts to think. I don't want to leave. I'm so scared!

I'd do anything to back out right now. I just want to stay at home, holding my teddy bear, talking to the love of my life on the phone. I want my life to be normal again. This whole exchnage thing has fucked up my life. I'm not normal. Even if I backed out now, I wouldn't be normal again. I've met Jake. I'm spoken to my sisters. I've said my final goodbyes. I'll never be the same again already...and that scares me.

Wasn't it just a month ago that I said I hated everything changing? I hated the fact that Alex was no longer in love with me? That I miss Rini not being my best friend and always being there 24/7? That Meri has become somewhat of the desired one?

This sucks. I'm going to be sick. I can't leave. You don't understand. No one does. I can't get on that damned plane! NO ONE UNDERSTANDS WHAT HURT I'M GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW.

No one gets me..... ~Sobs madly~

I have a song...it's really how I feel.

"There's a piece of you that's here with me
It's everywhere I go, it's everything I see
When I sleep, I dream and it gets me by
I can make believe that you're here tonight
That you're here tonight

If I could find you now things would get better
We could leave this town and run forever
I know somewhere, somehow we'll be together
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away

I remember the look in your eyes
When I told you that this was goodbye
You were begging me not tonight
Not here, not now
We're looking up at the same night sky
And keep pretending the sun will not rise
Be together for one more night
Somewhere, somehow..."

It's perfect really.

The guy I like....he still doesn't know. He'll be at my party though, so I guess I'll tell him there. Or the day I leave. I have a hair appointment on Saturday before my party. I shouldn't have waited so long. There's so much I feel I need to say and do.

I want to tell this guy I love him. In the perfect world, he'd say he feels the same way. Well maybe not. I don't want to fall in love, know he loves me too then leave for a year. Ouch. That hurts.

I'll write later....I'm not so much in a writing mood. I'm thinking too much to put my thoughts into words.

I had a date tonight. It wasn't with anyone you'd expect.

At 10:00 pm, I jumped in my car and went downtown. No one was there except for the occasional people outside a late night cafe smoking a cigarette. I absorbed the smell and the small talk. I continued to walk down the dimly lighted sidewalk with a trace of a smile on my face.

When the streets were empty, I found myself spinning around in the streets. I felt memories drift back. I was five again, dancing in the same street after the parade for Cherry Festival. I opened my eyes and saw Traverse City. My little city was shining in an entirely new light.

I realized that this was my first, my last, my only chance to dance in the downtown streets at night had come. I had only one week left to absorb what I wanted to take with me. And the company I had...was the best I could have. I didn't have to tell her that I had a great time, because it was just me. Being by myself didn't hurt. In fact, if anyone had come along, I'd have pushed them away.

I walked down to the bridge that passes over the Boardman River and stood what would be considered too close to the falling threshold.

When I got back into my car and drove away, I didn't feel resentful that it was over. I felt happy for the date.

Just me.

You're the sad smile,the one that regrets nearly
everything and is constantly wondering about
what could have been.You're not happy with your
situation and usually blame yourself because of
the bad things that have happened.Cheer up.

What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by

NUMBER OF...
:x: piercings = three holes in my right ear and one in my left.
:x: tattoos = Very soon. Give me time.
:x: ft/inches = 5 ft 2 inches?
:x: siblings = None. :-(
:x: times you've been in love = I'd like to say only once, but it's twice....
:x: times you've had your heart broken = Twice.
:x: hearts you've broken = too many, so I've been told
:x: drugs taken illegally = Nothing is illegal unless you get caught.
:x: friends that you would trust with your life = 4
:x: enemies you have = I don't sweat the little stuff, but right now, I have one arch rival.
:x: times you've appeared in newspaper = lost count :-:x: scars on your body = A lot. Too many to count.
:x: things in your past that you regret = My complete indecision.

LAST...

:x: movie you rented = My neighbor Totoro.
:x: movie you bought = The Sound of Music.
:x: song you listened to = Metallica "No Leaf Clover"
:x: song that was stuck in your head = Trojan Fight Song!
:x: person you called = My Mom at work.
:x: person that called you = Alex.
:x: tv show you watched = Punk'd
:x: person you were thinking of= Alex.

DO...

:x: you have a crush on someone = Yeah, but I'll never tell. :-P
:x: you wish you could live somewhere else = That's why I'm leaving.
:x: you think about suicide = Yes.
:x: you believe in online dating = Hey, whatever floats your boat.
:x: others find you attractive = Oh but of course.
:x: you want more piercings = Yup. All the way up my right ear, my eyebrow too.
:x: you drink = Yes.
:x: you do drugs = Depends on what drugs we're talking about here.
:x: you smoke = NO. That's gross.
:x: you like cleaning = As much as I would like to grown testicles.
:x: you write in cursive or print = Kind of a combination.

FAVORITE...

:x: food = Pocky is nummy. So is a dish my Mom makes: Texas Hash.
:x: thing to do = Ah, that's not PG.
:x: thing to talk about = Depends who with. Sex is fun to talk about with CLOSE friends. Argentina/exchange with others.
:x: drinks = Coke and Jones Soda.
:x: clothes = My baggy pants!
:x: movies = Edward Scissorhands
:x: holiday = Halloween.

HAVE YOU...

:x: ever cried over a girl = Yes.
:x: ever cried over a boy = Last night I believe.
:x: ever lied to someone = a little white lie never hurts...
:x: ever been in a fist fight = yup. That was fun.
:x: ever been arrested = No.

WHAT...

:x: shampoo do you use = Smooth Down by Redkin (My hair is like an afro if I don't use it!)
:x: shoes do you wear = I like my boots. They're fun. Especially to play DDR in.
:x: are you scared of = Loving and losing.
:x: color is your hair = As Mom says: "Who the hell knows?" It varies in shades naturally from my roots. Alex says strawberry blonde.
:x: is your shoe size = 8

FAVORITE...

:x: disney movie = LITTLE MERMAID!
:x: word = Fuck (Think about it! It describes so much!)
:x: nicknames = Annie, Ann, Steph, Pan-Chan, Teppia.
:x: eye color = I must admit that I've NEVER dated a guy that didn't have blue eyes.
:x: flower = Rose
:x: piercing = Eyebrow
:x: actress = Wynona Rider in Edward Scissorhands

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...

:x: pretty = ~Shrugs~ I guess.
:x: funny = I hear that I'm brutally honest...but apparently it's funny.
:x: hot = Not really.
:x: friendly = Depends ;-)
:x: amusing = I don't know if I am amusing... but I do know that I am amused.
:x: ugly = Sometimes.
:x: loveable = Sometimes. I get hugs a lot.
:x: caring = Always, except for when I first wake up or at work.
:x: sweet = When you give me chocolate....
:x: dorky =Definately.

Naomi....keep trying.

"Can you imagine what it's like
to understand what people are saying to you
and be wanting to say SO many things to them
while not being able to?
I say to myself in english so many things
but I just can't say it in portugeuse
so the thoughts are stuck in my mind.
I've seen and heard so much in the past week
that I am DYING to say out loud.
But there's nobody here.
I am alone."

She's entering phase two...but pretty soon, she'll know how to speak, and fluently.

Today was my last day at work, so I'm getting ready to leave soon!

Ashlee Simpson is such a bitch...

I'm so proud of my Naomi and Greg. They're both in Brazil and while I swore left and right that Naomi wasn't going to enjoy her exchange until she was 4 months until she was supposed to come home, I was wrong! She writes like she's having a lot of fun. I'm so happy they're happy.

I can't wait. 18 days. But I still want to be with Alex.... I'll miss him most.

I need to get this out. I need to scream at the top of my lungs until I don't have any voice left.

But this will have to do.

I can't stand ANYONE here right now. My Dad is bothering me A LOT, my friends are annoying as sin...but there's District 6970one person I want to be around. He doesn't want me to smother him, and that's exactly what I feel I'm doing. I want to be with Alex. Just hang out with him. Sit on his couch and talk about stupid shit until 3 am. That's a lot of time to be spending with one person though.

We wrestled yesterday on the lawn and he kicked my ass. He knocked me down so that the back of my head and a spot about the size of a large potato on the left side just above my ass. I love to play, but that hurt. ^_^*

Work today was frustrating because the entire time I was thinking "This is such a waste of time! I could be out with friends! I mean, Alex!"

Mina is leaving tomorrow morning. Her flight leaves at 10:45 am. Early up again tomorrow. It's worth it though. I wonder if she'll ever come back. I tend to doubt it and that hurts, but knowing that she came here, had a good time and leaves with experiences that she'll never forget...it's gratifying. It's hard to believe that in a year from now, I'll know how she felt.

Well lets try to analyze this situation. Alex and I are...screwing around? Yeah, that'll work. But whatever way you look at it, we have a physical relationship. When we have that physical touch, I feel invincible. Like I'm the only one he sees in the world. I like thatfeeling. It reminds me of when we went out. I don't really want to go out with him again, especially seeing that I'm leaving in 22 days.

Wow. Only 22 days.

Por favor, tu estas con mi.

I possibly had the most wonderful night of my life last night. I spend the night at Rini's with Amber, Meri and believe it or not, Alex. Everyone was like: "Hey! Let's pull an all nighter!" I didn't want to though. I had to work at 8 this morning.

I fell asleep with Alex's arms around me and my head in his lap. I felt amazing. I woke up crying a few times...but I've been doing that a lot lately. I explained to Rini that it hurts when you're ignored, and she understood. It was good to get it out.

I mean, just thinking about this morning waking up in his arms sends a warm sensation through my body. From my heart spreading to my back, then all over my body, finally ending at my fingertips. I've had a trace of a smile on my face all day. I felt loved... and safe.

Isn't it amazing what the little things do for you? It was such a simple act that did so much for me.

Thanks baby.

I'm just gonna free-write. It has nothing to do with my life...just for fun. ^_^

I hadn't met her that long ago but we seemed to have much in common, that's why we sat in this dark little coffee house. 

"We were extravagantly in love," She sighed romantically. "And we still are."

"Then what happened?" I asked.

"It just didn't work out." She said taking a long draw from her coffee. I knew that when she said 'it just didn't work out', it really meant that she had been dumped, but her pride was too swollen to admit it.

I don't think she's a liar per say, but she didn't like to bring people down. If she had to make a few white lies to make someone happy, so be it. She'd do it. It's a blessing and a sin at the same time.

She wasn't very pretty I'll admit. Her brown eyes matched her stringy brown hair that went to about her cheek bones. Her teeth weren't well kept, but when she spoke, she sounded like an angel.

"So, what do you plan to do when you get out of college?" She asked.

"I'd like to travel."

"Are you going to work?"

"I should, but I'm not sure many places would hire a foreigner."

She smiled weakly. "It never hurts to try." I knew that meant that she thought I was probably right.

We sat in silence for a few minutes. "I can't take it anymore." She said softly. Tears filled her eyes. "Not everything is perfect...even though I pretend it is. Can I tell you...the truth?"

"For you, I have all the time in the world."

Everything came rushing forward. About how her lover had indeed left her after he beat her... and how she was afraid to tell him that the baby they had conceived was to be born in 5 months time. I looked at her and saw that she was...

...Beautiful.

 

Ya know...sometimes I love my parents.
 
Sometimes.
 
My Dad was griping a few months ago about how 'we can't afford' to send me on exchange. My Dad bought my mom a BMW within the past month. Do we need 5 cars? My dad has the SAAB and the Amigo, I have my little piece of shit beater VW, and my mom has a Jetta and the BMW.  She got it on Sunday after we went to the Tigers vs. Yankees game. That brings me to another point.
 
The Yankees lost the god damn game. Who the hell can lose to the Tigers? I mean come on man!
 
I received my final itinerary today though. I leave from Grand Rapids...a 2 hour 40 minute drive from my damned house. Only 27 days though.
 
I love the 90's is on. Have any of you seen I love the 70's. What a great show. I laughed my petty little ass off when I saw that show. Michael Ian Black isn't so bad looking either. Not to mention he's funnier than hell.
 
My dad's second cousin (once-removedand through marriage. [which makes us acquaintances]) spent the night last night. We have this wierd thing for playing Jenga. We stayed up until about 1:30 AM last night playing Jenga. It's the most...retardedly great game ever invented. I'm actually bringing a Jenga set, a deck of Uno cards (Yes, uno in a spanish speaking country. Haha how clever.), a deck of playing cards, pick up stix, and jacks to Argentina with me to give as gift to my host families.

I just discovered the wonders of Metallica's No Leaf Clover. What a great song. Listen to it. Beez heah. It's woot-ful.

So the guy I like is gay. Gee, with my luck who'd have seen that coming?
 

I don't know where to start really. I don't mean to hurt you, but I don't want to keep this bottled up either. For once in my life, I'm going to be straight forward and honest about how I feel. Here it goes then....

I've been talking with someone about this... and it's amazing that I never really could have emotions. It's been all downhill since Calvin. I've not gone a day without crying.

It's my fault for not thinking it over. I didn't look at you when I asked you. I couldn't have told by your tone of voice. I know I don't seem trust-worthy, or someone who actually puts things out in the open. So I wouldn't have told anyone. I'm not easy either, which leads me to my next case.

Well? I'm not easy. I'm not one who can swooned so easily, so it was like an absolute slap to the face when I realized I was thinking about you constantly (And now that this whirlwind is over, I'm sure all my friends will slap me).

I know things end in lies and betrayal. Case in point, Jake to Taiwan only about 150 miles from me doing the cheating thing. Did I care? How can I not? But I trusted him, which is also something I rarely do.

It may be a long distance relationship, but how can it really have been that bad if I never stopped thinking about you?

I had to let it go. I had to get all this shit out in the open so I can go to bed tonight not feeling like my heart has been wrenched out of my chest. So I can go to work tomorrow and not have a nervous breakdown while serving someone coffee. So if I somehow meet Prince Charming I won't have to say I met him with tears in my eyes.

I don't hate you. Come on man, after all I've said it's still quite the contrary. I know that's probably the last thing you want right now too.

I hurt though. I can't explain it, but it's a sensation that combines the hurt and the satisfaction of atleast knowing it never would have worked anyway. So whether to say 'thanks' or 'fuck you' is beyond me.

Please call and talk to me soon though. The only thing that could make this hurt more is not hearing from you.

Annabelle

 

You may walk around this earth,
You may feel useless and alone,
You think you'll never see another sunny day...

Realize you will always have me.

When it hurts to breathe in every breath,
When it hurts to think every thought,
When you need someone to dry your eyes...

I will be there for a million years.

Though the miles that separate us are great,
Though the road it takes to get there is hard,
Though the defeats have made us into nothing...

Know that no one can care as much as I do.

For nothing can truly explain the world's wonders,
For nothing separates what we share,
For nothing I can really express...

Can make you feel my love.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yes, I realize it's not good, but I needed to write something about the exchange students....

I guess it's just poetry night here at the blog.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six weeks old today Mommy!
And a birthday gift for me,
A pair of big blue eyes,
Thru one day I will see.
Where are we going Mommy,
With the rain splashing down.
When it hits the sidewalk,
It makes a funny sound.
Dang thru the big white doors,
People dressed in green.
If they hurt you Mommy,
Please run away and scream.
Please help me Mommy,
They're tearing me apart.
There go my big blue eyes,
There goes my little heart.
I love you Mommy,
Believe me, I really do.
But the worst part is...
I thought you loved me too.

I feel almost forgotten. It's not like everyone checks their e-mail EVERYDAY though. So I just need to get over it.... ~Whimper~

I talked to Greg today and apologized for being such a complete basket case and crying so much during this past weekend. He understood. He said he knew it was hard to see people that you love go away; many never to be seen again. Mina summed it up beautifully. "It's not freaking fair!"

I'm working again tomorrow. I really wish it'd snow right now for some reason. Just get cold for an hour. To see the snow flutter down from the sky. I slept outside last night. Not in a tent, but on the cement patio. The stars were amazing. I can't even remember the last time I saw them that vibrant. So I snuggled up in my blanket and kept my teddy bear safely nestled into my arms. I must me hormonal, because I cried again.

I was homesick for friends while I was still at home. After how many days, I was already missing Calvin and the people I met there and the love that I could feel around me. It was a feeling of warmth and acceptance. I've never felt such a feeling.

I would give my exchange savings to have them all here each until their own departure date. Or even to take one...just one person with me on exchange so I'm not as lonely. But let me get this clear. I'm not worried about being lonely while I'm in Argentina. It's imminent. The thing I worry about is being lonely and hurting while I'm still here in a culture I've been emerged in my entire life.

Naomi had a great idea.

FOUR things you're called
[+] Stephanie
[+] Annie
[+] Pan-Chan
[+] Annabelle

--»FOUR people who make you laugh
[+] Greg :-)
[+] Naomi
[+] Megan
[+] Alex

--»FOUR things you <3
[+] Michael 'the Jew'
[+] Rotary
[+] Hello Kitty!
[+] Making people laugh

--»FOUR things in your room
[+] Rotary cards
[+] Knife
[+] Pictures
[+] VCR...no TV

--»FOUR things your doing right now
[+] Typing
[+] Eating Lemonade Ice!
[+] Listening to the TV
[+] Breathing

--»FOUR things that describe you
[+] Thoughtful
[+] Odd
[+] Actress
[+] Bipolar as hell

--»FOUR things you should do
[+] Clean my room!
[+] Send in my visa
[+] Make invitations
[+] Stop waiting for a response from Michael 'the Jew'

--»FOUR things you say most
[+] Fuck
[+] Arg
[+] Like
[+] Hehe

--»FOUR fave foods
[+] Lemonade Ice
[+] Chocolate
[+] Popcorn
[+] Omelette Shoppe waffles

--»FOUR fave drinks
[+] Grapefruit Juice
[+] Mate!
[+] Bacardi Raspberry
[+] Coke

--»FOUR places you wanna go
[+] Argentina
[+] Japan
[+] Germany
[+] South Africa

--»FOUR names for future kids
[+] Catalina
[+] Andrew
[+] Ari
[+] Adam

--»FOUR sites you visit online.
[+] Neopets
[+] www.rotaryexchange.bravehost.com
[+] Blogger
[+] Google

--»FOUR of your hobbies
[+] Writing
[+] Making music
[+] Screwing around on the computer
[+] Movies!

--»FOUR things you do when ur bored
[+] Write
[+] Read
[+] Ski in Winter, Swim in Summer
[+] Camp

--»FOUR things your thinkin bout now
[+] 'I think I'll make invitations now...'
[+] 'I wonder when Michael will e-mail me back...'
[+] 'What other country do I want to apply for?'
[+] 'Why the hell does my mom need that shit?'

So this weekend came and went...and painful as it was; would I do it again?

In a heartbeat.

It feels familiar though. It's almost as if I've dreamed this entire conference before, down to the minute details. The only thing that challenges my theory is that I never could have dreamed or even thought of such elation and such pain.

I'm sure that the all nighter I pulled with the kids from my district (62! 90!) didn't help get my emotions on track. Making new friends from other districts didn' make it easier for me to say good bye, but in return I found it easier to make better memories from Calvin. Kiss and cry, Kleenex and Kodak Calvin Conference.

Getting away from this exchange thing...

All these people here are fucking crazy and immature. I don't know how long I can't take this! People can go out with whoever they wish. If you wish to shun them, go for it. Have fun. Girls are fucking stupid.

Girl 1 is mad because she thinks that Girl 2 likes Alex. Girl 1 thinks Alex is a liar because he says he doesn't like Girl 2. Who says everyone has to like someone all the time? It just so happens that I have a little crush almost all the time. It doesn't mean that I would consider them dateable, but rather just cute or nice. ~Shrugs~ Is that why other girls don't understand me?

Girl 1 thinks honestly, from the bottom of her heart, that the entire world is out to get her. She's being self-centered. I'm sorry if I have other friends that I like to have fun with too. I can't play baby-sitter. What if I wanted to hang out with someone different? Would I be 'shunned'? Would I even give a shit? (HINT: The answer isn't yes.)

I can't wait to leave. Oh dio fucking mio...I'm gonna cry again.

Alex and I had a little talk. You can guess who is who.

4 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
Well you want to go to Jfax....
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
And you know how I see it?
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
~Smacks hand on table and eyes brim with tears~ I haven't been invited to do shit with anyone except for you. You go to that 'spring fever' dance and everyone around me is buzzing with anticipation and everyone asks everyone else if their going and I hear someone ask if I was going and the other person said 'who cares?'
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
Do you how much is sucks to be cast off from a group of people you were once trusted with your entire life? That you would do anything for them? Died for them to make them happy? And the sad thing is that I'd still do it. If it's make everyone happy then I'd do it. But I know that there are about 3 people out there that would do the same for me, and that's who I live for.
Spikey says:
i'm sorry
Spikey says:
to be honestly lately i haven't been invited to do shit
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
~Wipes eyes~ No one gives a shit.
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
I haven't been invited to do anything since the begining of high school.
Spikey says:
-holds her- you've been almost forgotten
Spikey says:
you seemed to go your own way
Spikey says:
really i was trying to change that
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
Because I didn't want anyone to see how hurt I was by being left behind...so I tried to find friends....
Spikey says:
no one really has a problem with you or anything
Spikey says:
you just became silent
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
And then I get accepted into Rotary but I never see them. And then Mina is going home and so in Andre and truth betold. I'm scared shitless about Argentina.
Spikey says:
yeah i don't blame ya
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
And I don't want to go becayse I'm leaving people that don't even care! So it's this big....stupid circle that I'm stuck in!
Spikey says:
people care
Spikey says:
they don't show it
Spikey says:
but they do
Spikey says:
i've talked to most of em about it
Spikey says:
anyways
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
But there's this underlying thing.
Spikey says:what?
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
I don't like how things have become.... and I know it's selfish. I miss Joz being how she used to be. I miss Meri not knowing who Kenny was. I miss Ariana and I being together all the time and not having to worry about her replacing me and hurting me....
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
And something from the past was us too.
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:And while I don't like you....I like acting like we do, because it makes me feel that it's possible to go back to that time and make everything okay...
Spikey says:
i hate the cliche but, things change
Spikey says:
how do you think joz changed?
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
I'm not even going to get into that......
Spikey says:
ok
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
You know one of the reasons I liked you do much?
Spikey says:
why?
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:~Wipes eyes~ It's because I could wake up everyday, look myself in the mirror and say that because someone loved me as much as their own life.....
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:I looked in the mirror and saw that I was beautiful.
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:I haven't seen it since.
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
That's why you were different.
Spikey says:
that i cared?
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
That you loved me.

I can't believe this. I'm getting sick of almost everyone. I can't even put on the most fake smile for some random customer at work. It's because I leave in only 60 days...right? I'm not just suddenly becoming bitchy and rude, right?

~Paces~ I can't sit still either. I have to keep doing something. I keep wringing my hands or picking at zits or...something. My hands or my body have to keep busy. And when it's really bad, I pace around and wring my hands. I've become a victim of cabin fever and I'm anxious as hell to get out of this fucking country.

It wasn't real bad until I spoke with Jake and we just...sparks flew all over again. Now I really want to see him again, and then I want to start this damn exchange! It's not like I don't want to savor every moment this is going to provide, but LET'S GET IT OVER WITH ALL RIGHT?!

So now I've vented. Bye.

I was talking to Jessie today. She wasn't accepted into Rotary and now she's looking into different exchange programs. I told her to try Rotary again because it really is the best out there. You have supporters from all over the world. I'll bet there's a Rotarian in every country of the world.

She says she won't try Rotary again because she doesn't like what Rotary would try to get her to do. Rotary wants us to be in a group and to be able to be a good ambassador of your country in that group. They want you to be easy to talk to and friendly. She says that isn't her thing. I said it's amazing for me to think of going through anyone except for Rotary. She scoffed. I said I had just changed a lot since she had met me.

When she met me, I was meek, playing it safe with people I knew. Now, I'm pretty bold if I do say so myself. I like to meet new people, I like to try new things (However, I still don't like salads or fish. ^_^*).

"I don't know the old me anymore." I said.

The more I thought about this revelation, the more it started to pertain to me. In a matter of 6 months, I've gone from cutting and making scars, to nothing and trying to get rid of them. That's not all though. Oh, it's far from all.

I don't need a man to keep me happy. Money isn't for spending anymore, it's for saving and then it's for spending while I'm gone. ^_^* (I know that's not much better, but in the past 2 weeks, I've spent 15 dollars. 10 for gas, and 5 for a thing of yarn so I may knit a blanket for my host family.) I'm a little less scatter-brained, but in some ways a little more. The little things don't bother me. The big picture gets the upper hand on me. The world isn't out to get me, I'm out to get them and change them for the better.

22 days until the Kiss and Cry Calvin Conference. 65 days until I leave.