God...I'm so nervous. I hate flying. Ever since I was a little girl, I've hated flying in airplanes. Day after tomorrow, I'm leaving for Key West. I can pray. I can pray with all my might, and I'm not sure if it will even make me feel better. I could think of him, and (yes it's corny as all hell, but it's true) gather strength. When I think of him, my heart races and my life suddenly doesn't seem so terrible.

There are quite a few songs that remind me of him, and they're all some of my favorites. 'Our' song was I Knew I Loved You by Savage Garden. The first time we danced was on New Year's about 5 minutes after the ball dropped. I was having a party, and Ariana turned it on. I still had my braces back then and had lots of friends to fall back on. I didn't know that Kendall existed. To this day, when I can't sleep, I put the song on repeat and begin to cry, so that I can sleep. Sometimes...it's all I can do.

Another song is "Stuck" by Stacie Orrico, which a quoted a few days ago, if you'll kindly scroll down and read the lyrics. Another is "Stairway To Heaven" by Led Zepplin. I don't know why, but whenever I hear it, it reminds me of him. I'm listening to it now. Any Avril Lavinge song is also included. When coming home from Toronto, I listened to my CD player with that CD on and fell asleep with my head on his shoulder, and his head on mine. One of my favorite memories.

Shaggy's "Angel" is yet another one. When I was cheating on Kyle with him, he called me Angel (and continued to do so until we broke up). Princess Meri thought it was so cute that even she called me Angel sometimes to get me to pay attention to her. I actually have a birthday present from her that's a ring that says Angel on it. I like it a lot and should start wearing it again. All my diary entries were signed Angel. Getting back to the story at hand, he sent me an mp3 that turned out to be "Angel". I even smile at it to this day. That is one that doesn't make me upset. It has such a happy story behind it.

My last one is "Clint Eastwood" by the Gorillaz. He wrote the chorus of it in my yearbook last year when we had just broken up and things were pretty wierd between us. I was excited that he was going to write in my yearbook, especially after what a terrible ordeal we just went through. God....I wish I never met Bryan sometimes. If I wouldn't have, I would probably still be with him.

Gosh, it's been a while since I scrounged up useless trivia about my life and wrote about it. I'm in Biology right now, writing on a piece a paper which I will take home and type up, then post it on my blog. ^_^

I have play practice after school until 5:00. Me and Chris (whom I sit next to at rehersals) had a huge fight this morning on the bus. We're not on good terms right now. We normally talk about conflicting issues in the world, but this morning was different. We began to talk about police officers. He said something I challanged and knew was correct in my point of view. (My father is a police officer.) He got angry, then looked out the window. He looked out the window and looked at the new stoplights that they were putting in.

"Hey Steph! Look, they're putting in new stoplights." He said.

"Yeah I know. They're up all over the city. Haven't ya seen them?" I asked smiling.

He began to glare at me. "I think swallowing all that cum and Motion Lotion has affected your brain." He said matter-of-a-factly.

I was outrageously offended. "Fuck you!" I said. "It's none of your god damned business what I do, such as it is not my business what you do! Get a life!"

I had a bad mood until play practice.

My mood lifted at lunch (and dropped later). He took a seat next to me instead of Princess Meri and told Travis to get the hell out of his seat. He made an origami box, which I took. I’ve only seen this folding style once before, when he tried to give me my Valentine’s Day present in the 7th grade (that I finally accepting this year. It's a very soft stuffed dog. I’m still sleeping with it. Whenever I begin to cry, I hug it, and everything seems better.) He made it out of wrapping paper…at least I think that happened.

I’m going on vacation on only 3 days. I’ll still write, but I can only post when I get back. We don’t have a laptop (I’m hating him right now, he has one.).

The girl I'm understudying for is so sick she's in the hospital. I don't know why.

He said he may even sign up for play committee for lights and sound. That’d be great. I’m so glad I convinced him. Maybe…when practice ends at 5, we could find a little corner or go down the road to his house…ya know, to practice lines or something. Maybe we could test the lights….

Yes!!!! I've been moved up in the play! Sure, it doesn't sound exciting, but I'm the understudy. Understudies must memorize the entire play, and when someone dies/ gets sick/can't perform, I'm in baby! I'm strong! I'm so happy I could scream! I had my first rehearsal today, and I am entirely enthralled that I'm with the best of the best in my school! I'm so honored that Mrs. Roerich trusted me to memorize everything.

I'm sick and tired of Kendall and her boyfriend. Everything she says is about him or Stacy. He just said that he loves her this evening. I don't know if it's true, but it just seems so superficial. He’s not a normal guy, and she seemed so entirely desperate for a guy just two weeks ago and was chasing after Colt, a different guy. I must admit that I’m insanely jealous. My stomach turns and it seems like I need to bolt for the bathroom and throw-up.

When he told me he loved me, I knew for damn sure it was true. Everyone could sense our bond and actually asked if he had said that to me before it happened. I really wondered when he was going to say it. I remember that we were at the mall, right after a movie we went to. We were waiting for our parents to pick us up (goes to show us how young we were, okay…maybe it was just 2 years ago, but we acted young!) when I heard him say it. “I love you.” He said. My heart pounded, my hands got sweaty, and I began to smile. I turned around and looked at him. His face had this soft expression. “I love you too.”

I haven’t said I love you since. It’s so…upsetting. I can’t believe how much it tears me from inside. I cut my wrists last night. He saw and he looked almost happy. “You really should stop doing that.” He said.

“I haven’t done it since you asked me to stop, so be happy. It’s been nearly 4 months.” I said. I felt terrible. I wondered if he honestly was going to be kinder to me. Like talk more to me, or be somewhat sympathetic. Instead…he looked happy. I felt a sick flash, that quickly went away when I stopped looking at him.

I can't get out of bed today,
Or get you off my mind.
I just can't seem to find a way,
To leave this love behind.
I ain't trippin,
I'm just missing.
You know what I'm saying,
You know what I need.

-Stacie Orrico
“Stuck”

Is there really a kind way to say "your a fag, I hate you, and I wish you would never darken my doorstep ever again"? Of course not, but there is always a need to say it to one person in your life. Mine Is Dan Ryan, and he will simply not leave me alone. He's the dumbest thing ever imaginable. He's in 8th grade, and exceptionally clingy. If you say hello to him, he will follow you around for the rest of your life. I smiled and struck up a conversation with him when I was in 8th grade. BIG MISTAKE. He has been over at my house to ask to come over and 'play' at least once a week since that one time I talked to him. I try being very cold and rude, but the boy can’t take a hint. I’m thinking that the only way you can get rid of him is to kill him. I need a lot of help, and I’m a sensitive person to other people’s feelings. How do I tell him to go away?

I can’t sit around here and do nothing, but if I go outside, Dan will be waiting for me. I can’t do anything! I’d love to get on my bike, but he keeps waiting outside. I want to get a poster board so I can make a Hello Kitty poster for my room in our new house. (I'm fabulous at making Hello Kitty Posters!)

I would get on my moped and drive away, but the battery died yesterday when I was sitting at a stop sign. I was lucky enough to have been right next to my old workplace, so I used the pay phone to call my parents. It was all very embarrassing. Dad picked up my moped there and now it’s sitting in my garage. I’m trying to look for a battery that I can afford. How much are motorcycle batteries anyways?

My parents and I are having a fight over the battery in my moped. They keep saying that my battery isn’t dead, but it shorted out. Then why in hell it die right in the middle of the intersection? My parents are fags. I hate them so much.

Kendall is finally coming to the realization that he won’t ever love me. “What are you gonna do? You really think that he won’t love you again? God, I want him to love you!” I know Kendall. I want him to love me too.

Today was the day I went out to our new house (complete with a set of dad's porn) and paint over everything in the rooms. The walls are covered in obcenities, and pictures that could be explained as vulgar in the very least. But it's a house, and with TLC and a shit load of stuff from Home Depot, it'll be fine. We'll be renting it out in no time at all.

I feel hung over. Last night, I talked to him until about 12:30 or so. He had originally said that he felt closer to me after going to the mall. I was on cloud nine. I of course did not want to be disillusioned, so I asked him if he meant as a friend, or girlfriend. Of course he said friend. I expected to much out of myself. I became extremely upset and left immediately from my computer, crying. After half an hour of crying madly, I got out a notebook and wrote a new chapter in my book.

The 16 year old girl's parents had gone out for a date, after her brother had been put in a rehabilitation center for attempted suicide and she had just announced she was pregnant. She had rented three movies for the evening, but halfway through the second, she feels the need to run. She has never felt this need before, so she puts on her gym clothes and runs out the door. She ran past houses of old friends, whose names she's since forgotten since childhood, and begins to run up a hill that most girls call 'entrance to the stars' but guys call 'make out peak'. No one was there to her surprise, but noticed that her boyfriend's truck was somewhat secluded in a bunch of brush. She ran over to the car and looked in and saw her boyfriend and father of her unborn child sitting in the front seat of his truck with only jeans on and a girl wearing nothing but her bra and underwear. She opens the door, slams the little slut against the passenger side door and drags her boyfriend by the hair out onto the ground.

~Excerpt~

"Do you want me to have this kid?!" I shouted angrilly, feeling a rising color in her cheeks.

"I don't know!" He said through gritted teeth. He was obviously in a good deal of pain.

“God dammit!” I yelled. “I’m getting an abortion! No child needs to have a shit face father like you! I hate you! I wish I’d never met you!” I screamed and ran away.

~End Excerpt~

She began to run towards the water tower. She climbs it and looks down to everything below her. She considers jumping, just to see if she could fly. She decideds her life is really just a dream, but a nasty little voice tells her that her best friend is indeed dead and her brother tried suicide. She climbed down from the tower and ran home, crying each on each step.

I just came back from Kendall’s house. I got to meet her sister for the first time. She’s pretty cool. Kendall started smoking right in front of me. I knew she smoked, but I felt so out of place since I was the only one not smoking. I wanted to try it, but I knew my mom would be back any minute. I couldn’t justify getting screwed over for my entire life over one puff of a cigarette. Not to mention he wouldn’t like it. I can’t betray him.

Jealousy is a nasty, evil thing that I’d die to ride the world of. Princess Meri has him wrapped around her little finger. And the thing that’s really pissing me off? The fact that she’s using the tactics I used on him and everyone else in the 7th grade. I’m no longer cute and loveable and huggable. I’m the chick who sits next to him and it found writing poetry and quotes on her arms and wrists.

I did write something very heartfelt and bittersweet on my wrist today. I would like to have it tattooed on there. I did it at lunch, and stole his pen. I wouldn’t let him see it when I was done. He did put up a valiant fight may I add. I clenched my sleeve tightly up around my wrist. I’m glad he didn’t see it. Very glad.

I didn’t get the part in the play. I didn’t get any parts. I suck. Admit it, I’m no good, and I don’t care. Life sucks. You never really get what you want. I’d give up anything to have him wrap me in his arms, tell me he loves me, and all that jazz, but it won’t happen. I need to cope with it. I’m very accepting of the play, but why in hell can’t I let go of him?

Things aren’t overly weird between him and me, but we’re just not talking because Princess Meri in all her royalty is always talking to him and flirting with him. I need to let go of it. I need to. Now that I talk to Princess Meri, he doesn’t talk to me. Do I consider not talking to her again? I thought it made him so happy....

I’ll look on the bright side for 5 sentences or so. I found out why he was so upset on… Tuesday I believe it was…yes, Tuesday. It was Meri. She was getting on his nerves. I understand completely. Trust me.

My study hall is incredibily noisy. We're not supposed the have CD players, but my teacher has given up on trying to stop us. I can hear three very distrinct musical genres right now. Techno, Pop, and Hard Rock. If I blared my music, you'd hear Jimmy Fallon's 'The Bathroom Wall'.

I made final callbacks for the play! I am elegable for all the parts except for two, April and Polly. I'd hate to have those parts though. Ms. Roerich (the caster/director) has already assigned two roles, both are men. The rest are to be announced. I know the two guys, and they both deserve it greatly. They're great guys.

Have you noticed that when you talk with your best friend about someone, they can say "You know that one stupid guy jock in math class?" and you know exactly who they mean? That's how it is with Kendall and me. Kellen would be 'that one Christian guy who always pulls good grades out of his ass'. My enemy, Hillary Watkins, would be 'That whore with long blonde hair in my study hall'. Kendall would be 'the brunette who got hit by that car'. Did you know Kendall got hit by a car? Well, she was.

Who would I be? 'That girl who always says stupid things, stayed with him for a whole year and a half, and has scars all over her arms. What are they from anyways?'

He wasn't in school today. I keep calling his house, and I can't get a hold of him. He seemed so incredibly upset yesterday. He's not there, and I'm almost so desperate to know what's up, that I'd actually talk to Princess Meri.

If you read this, boy, call me.

Things are kind of weird between me and him. Yesterday at lunch, we didn’t get past the “Hi. How’re you? Oh that’s cool. I’m fine thanks.” I don’t know why, but I feel so guilty!

Today at lunch, we didn’t talk much again. I wanted to talk with him so terribly bad. I tried to talk to him, but nothing really flew. Princess Meri talked with him, but not much more than what I had. He seemed kind of sad or pissed. I’ve never actually seen him sad. I’ve heard him cry before, but that’s as far as it goes. He's always so happy-go-lucky. It looked like he was tracing geometric shapes and typing like on a keyboard with his fingers. I asked him what he was doing. He didn’t answer me. Normally when he doesn’t answer me and looks like that, I know to leave him alone. C’mon you guys, I’m stubborn, but not stupid.

Princess Meri started drawing on himand he snapped at her and called her a bitch. That’s when I knew something was probably up. When the bell rang to signal the end of lunch and get to class, he punched the table so hard that people had to grab their soda cans in insure they wouldn't fall over. He got up quicker than I’ve ever seen him do and leave without his lunch bag that Princess Meri stole from him. I stood there, holding the charm on my necklace that I never take off, and looking after him. He gave it to me for our 6 month anniversary. I forgot the rest of the world was there. I couldn’t hear sounds anymore, and I kept thinking about him.

Yesterday night, a kid in my ACS class ran away from home. His mom got pissed at him and told him she never wanted to see him again, so he left. He hasn’t been seen since then. The druggies are exceptionally worried, since he was one of them. I never did like him, but I do feel sorry for him, and if it was my doorstep he showed up on, I would welcome him in. He was always overly rude and self-centered, but no one should be living on the streets at 15 years old.

It can’t be Monday. It must be Tuesday. Today has crawled by at such a slow pace, it truly could be Friday.

I keep remembering last week Friday. Don’t ask me why, but it’s just stuck with me. Kyle sat next to me in band today because we were cleaning our instruments today. “Why didn’t you take me to the mall too?” He asked.

I froze, then turned and looked at him with an almost icy look and a tint of color on my cheeks. “I uh…I dunno. It’s not like you wanted to go anyways right?”

“Yeah I did.” He said.

“Who told you that I went to the mall?” I asked him.

“Him. I called him up on the phone and asked if he wanted to do something, but said that he was going to the mall with you.” He said wiping a bit of grime off his Tuba.

I thought he wanted to keep going to the mall a secret. We…well, more like he doesn’t want anyone thinking that we’re going out again. I don’t care when people ask me. All I have to do if smile sweetly and shake my head. I don’t see why he gets so defensive about it. It’s kind of like drugs, just say no! (Haha! Aren’t I ever so clever?)

Yesterday’s skiing was terrible. The snow was grainy, so I couldn’t get going very fast, and it made me go back to the ‘make a pie slice with your skis’ teaching method. I’m not used to such shitty snow. My freckles didn’t come back very well either, and I wish they would have. Well what do you expect? I spent an hour and a half there.

I found out a few days back that my best and earliest childhood friend may very well be pregnant. She’s late for her period and she had sex with a guy without protection or birth control. I wonder what she’ll do if she’s pregnant. I know I’ll always be there for her…if she needs me. She’s so high up on the well known/ popularity latter that she’ll always have someone else other than me for her. But those preps are so shallow and will hate someone the next minute if their make-up isn’t heavy enough. Ah fuck it. I’ll be there for her, whether she needs me or not.

This house stinks to high hell. Dad is trying to get rid of a clogged sink, and the only drain cleaner he uses stinks. He owns a business that quite often needs the drains cleaned. Ink gets down in there and just doesn't let go.

The windows are open though, which are obviously Mum’s work. I can smell the air coming in. It smells like spring. Have you ever noticed that there is a smell for every season? This is great. The snow is melting, our pool and pond is thawing, and I’m going skiing in a t-shirt, boarder pants and a down vest. I may even be too hot, but coming down a hill at fast as I do, there's a possibility that I could be a little cold.

Of course, the one who promised to take me skiing is Dad, which means I have a 50-50 shot of going. Dad repents his promises more than your average prostitute should repent her sins. (Ack, that sounded way too biblical.)

Outside, it’s 50 degrees and sunny. The world is good once again. All I want is my freckles to come back. I love my freckles. They’re peppered all over my face, and pale when winter comes. My birthmark pales too, which is exactly over the right upper corner on my lip. My Dad is always telling me to wipe my mouth, because I have chocolate on there. He honestly doesn’t remember that it’s my birthmark. He’s not kidding, because I can tell when he’s kidding.That’s the only time I hate my birthmark. I normally like it because it’s different and a little cute.

Oh god, the dog is trying to sleep on the thawing pond, and I think I just heard a piece of ice breaking off. If that dog fell through, I'm going to laugh. It's his fault. The ice is thin. He chose to be there. I am glad he knows how to swim though and loves water.

God dammit Jimmy Fallon! I love you and then you go off and kiss Salma Hayek on stage! Damn you Jimmy! I don't care if it was acting, go to my room! I'll be there to teach you a lesson in a minute!

Dammit, I'm getting really pissed at SNL. They're making fun of Eminem and Avril Lavgine. lol, okay, they're spoofing Lord Of The Rings. That's okay. I'll always love them. YAY! Jimmy is singing! ~Swoons~ Sing to me Jimmy.

I feel like I'm drunk or something. I got very little sleep last night, because I talked on the phone with him. Maybe it's lack of sleep. I need to go to bed because I'm going skiing tomorrow. I hope my leg muscles don't hurt in the morning. Yesterday when at the mall with him, my muscles were twitching and shaking so much they hurt like the morning after a really good workout.

Damn. Right now I'd give anything to be with him and re-do yesterday at the mall.

The mall was amazing. He said I did great, but I'm afraid he's just being nice because I didn't make him cum. He said it was just him, but sometimes I really wonder.

My parents and I bought a bunch of ballons today, and we blew 17 of them up, just to have them around. I'd love to be burried in balloons. For a party or something, I'd love to open up a door and walk in and have balloons all around, like in that one scene from Patch Adams.

The peak temperature today was 61 degrees. I walked around downtown with my Mum and Nana. I bought a pair of thongs (like the sandals, you pervert) because in a mere 14 days, I'll be on a plane bound for Key West, FL. We're renting mopeds to get around. I want a red one, just like the one I have.

Speaking of mopeds, I got mine out today since the roads were clear of all snow and it was so damned warm and sunny! Just a good day to be out. I went and got air in my tires, since the front tire was down to 5 pounds, when it should be at 36. I wasn’t sure at how to pump air into my tires with that certain pump, because I’d never seen anyone like this before. A guy came out and helped me, and actually filled them up for me and checked my tire pressure. It was so nice!

The whole county seemed kinder today, except for the drivers. I was trying to go the speed limit, when a guy pulled out in front of me and went 15 in a 25 mph zone. He kept hitting every big mud puddle, and making it splash back onto me. I wanted to kick his ass.

I’m glad that Elizabeth Smart was found, but it’s kind of irritating that it seems all that people talk about. Children are kidnapped all over L.A. and New York, and yet no one cares about them, but when a child is kidnapped from a very rich family in Utah, it’s all over the news. Come on people. Love the poor, because those are the ones who truly need the help, not the rich.

Here's an excerpt from me and Kendall's conversation regarding yesterday at the mall (yes, she knew) I'm PanChan, and Kendall is Peacelily.

Peacelily2005 [9:18 PM]: have u talked to him since...
PanChan1513 [9:18 PM]: Yeah.
PanChan1513 [9:18 PM]: ~Sighs happily~
Peacelily2005 [9:19 PM]: and waht happened
PanChan1513 [9:19 PM]: And may I quote from him himself: "You were amazing."
Peacelily2005 [9:20 PM]: lol
PanChan1513 [9:20 PM]: I'm serious! Don't laugh at me!
Peacelily2005 [9:20 PM]: i'm so happy 4 u
PanChan1513 [9:21 PM]: Thank you. :-)
Peacelily2005 [9:21 PM]: u got "Mr.right"

Yay.

I’m going to the mall tonight, and who am I going with? Him. I can’t believe it.

I’m getting really nervous. My stomach is getting queasy, and every time I think about it I get this hot and excited flash and my pulse goes up. I’m terrified that I’ll screw up and he won’t want to talk to me ever again. If that happened, I’d die.

Of course, he could love it so much that he’d want it all the time. It’s more likely that I’d screw up. This would be better I guess, because if that happens, I’d be almost like a sex goddess. That’d be the day.

Kendall says not to be scared, to let it go. Oh, yeah, that’s nice to know since she’s only done it to one guy.

You have no idea what I’m talking about do you? I didn’t think so. We’re going to the mall so we can maybe make out…but defiantly do a little more. Get it? It’s okay if you don’t. I just don’t want to give it away. At least I’m not as nervous as I was in 6th hour.

I should go. I need to get dressed for this. Later.

I hate to think. Thinking leads to self-pity. Self pity leads to suicidal thoughts. Suicidal thoughts leads to suicide attempts. I don't need this. I can't be thinking about this.

I was so deep in thought this morning that I kept thinking about Princess Meri and how much fun we had, then it just....died. I almost cried and then asked Chris how to tell someone that you wanted to be friends again. I was going to apologize to Princess Meri. By lunch, I decided that it was stupid to say that and ask her for her forgiveness and good blessings.

When I got home, I thought more. What she did, how she had my best friends and munipulated her into doing shit against me. I want to cry. I haven't cried in such a long time. I don't want to start. Crying is for pussys. I don't wanna be a pussy. I want to be strong and happy. I want to get this burden off my chest. I want to start crying uncontrollably during class and scream at the top of my lungs. Not at home. At school, where everyone can see their contributions to my insanity.

I guess it's been a while since I've written.

I said that I'm trying out for the school play, as it would be my sixth acting gig. So! We had play call backs today. I was walking down he hallway before first hour, and saw a mass around two lists posted on the window by the office. I heard random 'I can't believe she made it' and 'he's such a jackass.' I knew immediately that this was the call back sheet. My heart began to pound like nuts and I managed to push my way through and look at the sheet. Many girls looked gravely upset. I saw Stephanie, then realized that the last name was McKenna. My heart sank. While turning away though, I saw another Stephanie on the list 4 down. A Stephanie Jones. It was me. I made it to callbacks.

So I went to callbacks and didn't do too poorly. I wasn't nearly as nervous as I was at the first audition. I was smiling and it took a lot of energy just to play the sadistic woman that I was assigned for the day. Chris auditioned too, as well as his best friend Alex Lane. I love Alex, he's such an adorable kid.

I got a letter from my uncle, and he told me events leading up to his dog's dead. (whose name was Jake)

'Last Wednesday his heart stopped. We were watching TV while Jake slept on the floor. Then, all of a sudden, he arched his head back and let out a howl that was a combination of howl and whimper and wince. It lasted for a couple of seconds, but seemed like forever. I got to him before he stopped, but his heart had already stopped. He gasped for a breath of air three or four times over the next few minutes in almost an involuntary reflex kind of way. We sat and pet him for about an hour. I wrapped him in a sheet and took his body out to the garage and placed it on his pillow. We're having him cremated and will spread his ashes over the areas he liked to play. I'll sure miss him. I do already.'

That just makes me want to cry.

-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.


What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm offended! I didn't cheat!

Considering the day started out as a two or one, and progressed like that until lunchtime, today was good. At lunch, people talked to me. He talked to me. We all talked like the old friends we truly were. I liked it.

Today was 50’s day, when I was told it was told a week earlier by my teacher that it was 50’s and 60’s day, when it really was just 50’s. I made big ass bellbottom pants and sewed hippie patches all over them. They were cute. I made a small (these were for adults) and thought that they were going to be just fine if not a little tight.

They were huge. We’re not talking a little big is the butt, but I could put both my legs into one and the waist was so huge I had to use an old shoelace to keep them up (not to mention the top was up to my tits!). I was embarrassed about that, then he promised to make me a hemp necklace, but ya know, he didn’t. My shirt was fine, but my arms are kind of…large let me just say. Not to mention I looked nothing like a hippie. I looked so stupid.

Princess Meri looked great…as usual. She was a beatnik, dressed in all black with a little black beret. I must admit that it pissed me off that I looked like such a freak when Princess Meri was just so cute. I saw her walking down the hall with him and holding his arm and I just about had a seizure. Okay, maybe not a seizure, but the bottom dropped out of my stomach, and I had trouble breathing and I began to hear my own heartbeat, and voices. His voice, Princess Meri’s voice, Ariana’s voice, Kendall’s voice. Things that they actually had said to me.

He looked great too. He dressed in all leather, got rid of his regular glasses and had sunglasses. I had no ass in my pants, but he had...well, a nice ass. I never knew that I thought greasers were hot until today. It was hot, as long as the hair that was slicked back wasn’t puffy like on Grease.

The actual party was a lot of fun. Kendall was being stalked by that guy who has been following her. Trent, a friend of mine, asked me for my number and we danced for two songs. I stopped worrying about everything. Me and him actually hung out. We sat together, we talked, it was great. I still wished that I would have been able to ask him to dance. I wish that he would have accepted if I would have asked.

Okay! Fine! Today was good! Other than my outfit, life was good! I know how to love so I’m good with it!

Life isn’t wretched, but terribly, terribly painful.

"Are You Hot?" Contestants were asked to parade in bathing suits in front of judges and an audience who critiqued their every little tiny flaw and the announced whether or not they, the judges, were turned on by the contestant. You know what happened... the girls who were deemed "hot" were deathly skinny and had little to no personality whatsoever. In fact, the one girl who did manage to make it to the finals who weighed more than 90 pounds was judged "not hot" because she dared to actually have cellulite.

Yes folks, the worst crime in the world... cellulite.

Ok... not making any sense. This is what I mean to say: I am ALWAYS competing against any woman that I meet. I am constantly comparing myself to her and seeing all of my flaws magnified into bigger than me. When I'm in a line with several people and someone turns around to look my way, I immediately despise the girl just slightly to the side of me for stealing that attention away from me. When I go to a party and have nothing interesting to say, I hate the girl who can just walk in and immediately start up a conversation with everyone. When I'm forced to explain why I am uncomfortable around women to and why I have a hard time befriending women right away, I just hate them more. It's not fair. I hate Princess Meri because SHE IS LOVED. He loves her. Darryl loves her. Kyle loves her. Ariana loves her. Shelby loves her. Kellen loves her. Even Bryan, yes Bryan, my ex thinks she cool and can’t see why we get along. Everyone I know who has meet Princess Meri (with the exception of Kendall and Stacy) have adored Princess Meri from the get-go. I WANT TO BE LOVED. I want him to think I’m even (this sounds so shallow) cooler, sweeter, kinder, cuter, and more dateable than Princes Meri. It's not that I care about the others. Fuck the others. I want to be adored like Princess Meri by him. I want him to see me as I see him.

"She's so cute! She's so funny! She's never upset! She's such a tough chick! She's so pretty! She's so kind! She's not afraid to tell you what she thinking! She's so thin! She gets great grades! He is falling in love with her! She bullshitted that Stephanie girl straight-faced and still has the tenacity to talk to her like nothing happened! She’s the greatest! She’s my new best friend!" I’ve heard it all. It hurts. I hurt. I hurt because I know I’ll never be as perfect as her. I’ll never have a huge group of people I can call up on the phone and just talk about random shit.

It's not a good feeling. I don't enjoy being this way. I actually would love to have a gaggle of girlfriends to get me through the daily mess of my life, but I don't. I only have Kendall and him. In all of my life there have only been 3 girls/women whom I considered friends who didn't betray me in some way, and one is dead.

One of the biggest things that really pisses me off, is that I used to be Princess Meri. I used to be the one who was adored, and thin, the one who made Honors with her awesome boyfriend sitting in the audience at the ceremony, and didn’t care what others thought of me. I used to be funny and cute and easy to piss off when told I was short but you could always tell I was kidding. I used to be the one who kept punching people but I was so little that people wouldn’t be hurt. I used to get visits in the morning by my wonderful and awesome boyfriend and I sat there with him holding me before the bell rang so I wouldn’t be lonely. Now I sit in the band room with my flute on my lap and staring into never-never-land and wondering if I were still that way, if people would still love me…even Princess Meri herself who, at the time was still just Merideth. Not the sought after person, but a great friend who would always tell you what she thought. Never lied. Truthfully…Ariana and Princess Meri were my best friends in the world. A mere year ago, Princess Meri and I were hanging out. Gossiping about ‘hot’ guys, shopping, getting ready for dances together…and making each other laugh. I can’t even look at her anymore.

It's black, bitter, ugly jealousy that eats at me and refuses to let me go.

Today: life is good.

So I guess I'm aggressive now when it comes to sex. Apparently Kyle, Darryl, and him have been taking about me and my aggressive sex life and behavior when they hang out. I guess they like it or something. They brought it up today at lunch and I dropped my head in total embarrassment but I was laughing so hard and I turned a bright red color.

I played with his palm pilot at lunch too. Kendall was sitting with Stacy and she looked over and saw him leaning over my shoulder. I must admit that I shivered a little bit, because stray hairs of his kept brushing my shiver spot on my neck and it took everything I had to keep my hand on the table and not in his lap. Damn I want him....

It’s happening again. Rini detached herself from me and became more attached to Princess Meri, just like Kendall is getting more attached to Stacy. I feel like she’s leaving me. She sensed something was wrong and asked me. I ignored it and tried to get around it. She eventually asked me what was going on. I told her and she said “we’re going to a movie dammit!”.

There’s a guy at school that Kendall doesn’t like at all. He keeps following her and asking her out. She asked me for advice and I thought on it. “I got it!” I proclaimed. “Tell him you’re a lesbian!”

“Yeah! That’s a great idea! Now you have to be there with to convince him!” Kendall said.

I laughed. “Sure. Why not? It’ll be funny!”

This is gonna be great.

Gah! My poetry sucks and it's pissing me off! I tried writing a poem about Andrew, and dear god I made a joke out of my unborn child! I'm terrible at poetry anymore!

We have court at our school tomorrow. We have to sit with out ACS teacher. I guess I'm lucky because Darryl and him have the same ACS teacher so I guess I have friends that I can sit next to.... if they want me.

I have to remember to sign up for play try-outs tomorrow. Did I mention I'm going out for the school play? I've been in a few plays before and it was great. I love acting. The first play I acted in (I guess you could call it acting.) was in the summer before the 5th grade. I was an understudy for the main role, and often had to play for him.

My second was in the 5th grade and I was a delegate in the play "Grandfather's Clock". I had a good deal of lines, and had to recite the Preamble to the constitution. It took forever.

My third was the summer before 6th grade and I sang a solo in the camp play. I have it on tape and I sounded amazing. If my voice still sounded like that, I would sing all the time. Then for a while I stopped singing because I was so depressed. Then when I tried to sing again after about a year of not singing at all, I sounded like shit. Until recently I couldn't stand the sound of my voice when I sang, but I kept trying and one day it sounded okay.

My fourth was the summer before 7th grade and I was the main role. After 3 years at that camp, I finally got to have the staring role. I remember it like it was yesterday. A banner in front of the auditorium read "Stephanie Jones and Jennifer Olney star in: The Rising Sun

I remember a certain rehearsal when Jennifer's line was: "Then came the flies." but instead accidentally said, “Then came the fries." This was a day before the premiere, and whenever she said the line, we would go into a fit of laughter. The director nearly had a heart attack when we couldn’t get through scene four without laughing. Premiere night went very well though, and we didn’t laugh at scene four. Jennifer’s voice did crack though as she tried not to laugh. We burst into the bathroom after the show and laughed for a very long time.

My fifth acting experience was in 7th grade. I was a daughter kind of an ‘extra’ if you will that sang songs. The play was “Pirates of Penzance”. This was by far my least favorite.

I’m going to bed. I caught the damned flu again. Goodnight.

Hello and welcome to Michigan This Morning. My name is Stephanie Jones and here's your local forecast. Current temperatures are dipping past zero degrees and accentuating the negatives. At the studio the current temperature is a very respectable negative 17 degrees! Bundle up the kids, parents, because temps like this can freeze bare skin in a matter of minutes. Today around 2:30, a good amount of snow will begin to fall and it'll be an all-out blizzard. Ladies and gentlemen, must I remind you that this weather sucks?

Thank you for joining us for your best local news cast ever, and I said ever dammit! Another snow day, more like low temperature day, is gracing local schools. They couldn't get the busses started because of the low temperatures.

Iraq is being a bitch yet again and won't disarm. ~Throws away paper~ That's not news! That's expected! Guess what will happen next? We'll go and bomb their brains out like we normally do! Welcome to America ladies and gentlemen! Everywhere you turn there's news of war, bombs, and other shit that we really don't care about!

Another person died this morning from burns from the fire in the Rhode Island nightclub bringing the death total up to 98 people. ~Crumples up paper and tosses it at camera~ People die you stupid shits! It's a part of life! LET IT GO.THEY'RE DEAD! JUST LIKE ELVIS!

The FBI has found and arrested a man who helped in 9/11. Now may I ask what in hell the FBI has been doing for the past year and a half?

In India, there is a classic ceremony to join a chicken and a rooster in matrimony. Just for the record, on the honeymoon, the chicken came first. ^_^*

National surveys announce that the most dangerous time for police officers to be out is at night. The second most dangerous…day.

Entertainment news! Eminem was robbed at the Grammy's! He was only given two Grammy's when he should have been given way more! Oh more about Eminem: he's re-marrying Kim after she cheated on him with numerous other men and is currently pregnant with another man's child. Looks like Hailie Jade is out to be a sister.

More news? Nope. I’m Stephanie Jones for Michigan This Morning! I hope you guys have a good day! Drive safely…these roads suck.

~The Partridge Family’s ‘I Think I Love You’ replaces ending important news music~

Little Sister has problems. She’s two months old, but she still won’t eat. She’s always falling asleep in the middle of meals and never finishes them. She has to drink from the bottle because breast-feeding is too much effort, and even out of the bottle it’s too much effort. I’m very scared. She’s the last little family member I’ll ever get until I have a child. Forgive me Andrew my love, but I have to focus on little sister right now. I feel terrible for saying this, but Little Sister is alive, and you sweetheart, are just a dream.

Little Sister has to go to a neurologist. She may have brain damage. I fear the worst. I’m scared beyond all belief. I love this little girl. She’s my sweetheart. I have no idea what in hell I’ll do if something is wrong with her.

I have a scar by my left eye, underneath it. It's not very visible, but it's there. It was recently made when I was cleaning the ice off my car with a power sprayer and an ice shard came up and hit me there. If I were any shorter, than it would have hit my eye. It hit with such an impact that I probably would have lost my left eye. Coincidence? I really wonder sometimes.

There was a movie tonight at the church. I had to cook popcorn and serve it. When the movie was done, I had to drive a mentally retarded couple home. I nearly screamed. I wanted to stop the car in the middle of the road and tell them to GET OUT. Why did God make retarded people so damn irritating?!

It snowed last night and all day on and off today. The roads are now covered in snow and the temperature dropped from 45 degrees to zero. I have to get the moped up and running again to make sure it doesn't die.

I wish the hot tub was up and running. I could sit in the hot water and fall asleep. I want the worries of the world to go away.

Alexa Cathrine, I love you beyond what you could think of. Please be okay darling...please.

It's morning, and I feel shakey. I feel like I'm going to cut my wrists open. I just had to think of her royalness Princess Meri didn't I?! I'm going to slit her throat one day. Mark my words.

What Drink Are You?

Does that seem like me?

I finished my elephant bottom pants for the 50's and 60's party we have coming up. It's a week from yesterday. They're huge on me, and go up almost to my tits. They're much too big, but if you cut out fabric for pants, it's better too big so you can perfect them later, than too small and they won't fit. The XS would have fit though, and we took the small.

I got my moped out today for the first time since October. The roads finally cleared off. I was surprised that the battery wasn’t shot, like in my car. The gas was shit, but that was easily fixed when I put gas drier in it. I drove it to the gas station to pump up the tires, since the front tire was at 5 pounds, when it should be at 36. When I got there, I was freezing my ass off because I was driving along the bay with shitty gloves and my jacket not zipped up. I went inside to get change for the air compressor, so I bought sunflower seeds, one of my favorite foods. I then went back outside and saw that the air compressor had been taken out. I was pissed. Nice to finally get the little moped out though.

I’m watching…you guessed it! Live from New York! It’s Saturday Night! Okay, why did my heart just start pounding like that? Jimmy Fallon just came on. I think I like Jimmy. ^_^*

I wrote more poetry last night. It didn’t turn out well at all. I would post it, but I decided that you guys shouldn’t be put through such agony.

I still want to call him. I didn’t yesterday. I couldn’t sleep though when I went to bed. I kept hearing voices, but for some reason I thought it was really erotic, because I got really horny afterwards. I closed my eyes and felt someone’s arms around me and pulling me tighter. I loved it.

Okay, I’m leaving you beautiful people to watch SNL. Ahhhh isn’t it great? I saw this show for the first time in October and loved it. I’ve been watching it ever since.