Disclaimer: LONG POST

Work was good. Very good actually. The kind of good that makes you dance with Aaron and Scott in the back room. Well, okay. It was good up until a point. Way to make the last 15 minutes count though. That's when shit went wrong. Ladedadeda, cleaning the counters and whatnot when we get a slight rush. It's nothing big or anything. Definitely nothing that two people couldn't handle. At the end of the line was Mike. Ahh Mike. A nice boy, without a doubt but one that I've been let down by before. Seeing him made my stomach churn, especially because Andrew was with him. That meant that you know who wasn't far away.

Minding my silly little business, I just continue to clean. A loud noise coming from somewhere by the carousel made me turn my head and I saw a group. A group that consisted of a bunch of his friends. And there was Lisa absolutely glowing. Gorgeous. Way more beautiful than I could ever hope to be. The luckiest girl in the world. This flashed me back.

"That was sweet how he looked at you when you walked into the room. It was like he forgot what he was doing." Lauren sighed as we sat in the food court. "Why can't Matt do that with me?"

I smiled and shrugged modestly. 'Because. There's only one girl in this world that can be the luckiest.' I thought.

The luckiest girl in the world.

Tears quickly flooded my eyes. They rolled down my cheeks. My face turned bright red. "You okay, Steph?" I heard. Aaron.

When I spotted him three shops down, I ducked my head in shame. I was going to have to walk right by him. No no no no noooo, please dear Lord no. I walked quickly and efficiently by him, hoping he wouldn't spot me and see the tears that had already stained my face black with eye make-up. As soon as I got into the corridor, I bolted. I ran as fast as I could into Steakout. Slammed the door. Ran into the office, grabbed my pigtails and nearly collapsed. I wanted to die. I felt so alone and so scared. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to be anywhere. Why me God, why me?

My luck had run out. In the simplest of terms. Maybe God wanted it to go to someone else.

Scott said I could go... so I called my pacifier. Ben was there within twenty minutes.

I got threw up violently when we got to his house. I worried that his family would think poorly of me since the first thing I did was run into the bathroom. Then I realized that it's just what happens. People puke. What the hell ever.

Ben and I had a discussion the other night about the relationship. I came clean. I told him that there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. He asked me what I meant. 'Aw fuck, here it goes.'

"I am not in love with you."

He took it well.

The only thing he seemed the genuinely have a problem with was who I am in love with. "How can you love someone like that? I've seen you cry so many tears for this guy, and I know you cry more when I'm not around. How can you love someone who hurts you so much?"

I couldn't answer. I didn't know. Why did I? How could I?

I thought about my selfish ways with Ben. It's definitely a giving relationship on both halves. We try to give each other everything. That's not a problem at all. But what I then realized was that I was giving even more than I had even thought. I was giving him grief. He saw my ring everyday. He'd feel in between his fingers when we held hands. He'd catch me looking at it with a trace of a smile on my face. Unintentional of course. I never meant to hurt him. I would never want to do that. Ben is an amazing man. He's one hell of a boyfriend.

"My sister asked me if I loved you the other day." He stopped and stared at the candle burning in front of us. "I said yes, and I mean it."

Silence for a good five minutes.

"Then she asked me if I would marry you." He said.

I sat in silent shock and stared at the candle. "And?" I choked out.

"In a heartbeat."

FUCK. I am an asshole.

That was over a week and a half ago.

Today I was taking a long time getting a cloth while at work. Ed was hassling me per usual and he pulled out the ever-so-witty 'and ten years later....' remark. That got me thinking. Where will I be in ten years? I'd be 29, going on 30. That means I would be Ed's age. Would I be married?

I decided no. I have lost all will to find my soulmate. I will be the nice neighbor lady who makes cookies and brings them over to the neighbor kids. I will always have stickers to give out, and I will volunteer at schools, but I will not marry. I will have many cats. They will be my children. Augh, how creepy.

I leave you with some lyrics, but soon I will be posting a snipet story that I drew up today. Thank the boy for that inspiration. Good night.

Isn't it hard. Standing in the rain.
You're on the verge of going crazy and your heart's in pain
No one can hear though you're screaming so loud
You feel all alone in a faceless crowd
Isn't it strange how we all get a little bit weird sometimes.
Sitting on the side waiting for a sign, hoping that my luck will change.
Reaching for a hand that can understand, someone who feels the same....

The past few nights I have driven by the gate of our subdivision and I've seen a young family; a mother fox and her two pups. These two little ones aren't much bigger than my small house cat, and the mother is the size of a small labrador. I go to the gate every night to check and see if they're there and sure enough, there they are!

The two pups have two very different personalities. One is definately more bold, and will get within three feet of you. He will yap at a stationary car and try to get it to play. The other is definately more close with Mom. He will go with his brother to play but only on very rare occasion and he will never get close to you. He's more into sitting on his haunches with Mom and nursing.

I don't know why I felt compelled to write about these guys, but I find that they're on my mind a lot. That's all.

So class is all done and I have successfully survived my freshman year of college. It's a strange feeling. I'm so proud of myself. I'm so happy that I made it and I'm surprised that I'm even still here. I'm a lucky girl. Damn.

I'm also saddened by the fact that it's all done. It's strange to think that I don't have to go to class, take notes, or anything of that sort for a little under five months. That's huge. I won't get to see my Lau-Lau for a long time, and that makes me exceptionally sad. What makes it tougher is that if Lauren isn't around, I doubt Matt will be. I'll miss Dobeck immensely, because of how much he helped me with math. The man is a genius. I'm afraid I won't get to see Hali anymore and Lorraine too. I would die if I lost touch with Andrea. If I could relate this to anything, I would say it's just like graduating from High School. Even though I have another three years ahead of me, who knows if I'll see these people ever again?

Then again, that's how life is. Every time you see someone, it could be your last time with them. But that's a morbid thought.

I was sitting on the counter at Steakout, waiting for somebody (anybody) to wait on when my mind began to wander over to GameStop. I knew he was in there, and I had to use the bathroom anyway. Maybe I'd take a peek, just a quick one. What could that hurt?

I walked out of the corridor and the first thing I saw was his face through the window. My heart twinged in pain, and I turned around to return back to my post. "Ah, so that's what it hurts." I said to myself.

Spiderman 3 is opening tonight! I'll be at the midnight showing with Lauren, Matt, and Dustin. God I feel bad for Dustin. I definately ran over his foot today in my car. I am uber-bitch. ^_^*

Chau chau, amores. Los quiero mucho y los prometo que voy a excribir mas tarde, pero no seria tan amable. Tengo unos 'bones to pick'.