I'm embarrassed of 2006. What a year it was supposed to be! Graduation, Cinthia, Zavy... so many golden opportunities I didn't take advantage of because I was so obsessed with my self pity and depression. What was so bad that made me hate life so much?

I guess I could ask that about my life now, really. What's so great and fantastic in my life that makes me happy every moment of every day? I'm not in school. I'm working a 30 hour a week job that pays just barely above minimum wage. I'm obsessed with World of Warcraft and my Shaman, Drogada. I just broke Corey's heart because I don't think we can work it out anymore. Mom and Dad are divorcing. Dad won't/can't stop drinking. I'm a raging pot head. But you know something? When I look over that list, I can't help but smile. Who cares? I could be so much worse off than I am now.

There are so many things in this world to be grateful for! The little things! An Eric Clapton song on the radio, a freshly packed bowl, an orc Shaman in Tier 9/9.5 gear, a phone call from my sweetheart who is 1,303 miles away, cold pizza for dinner, the fact that it hasn't snowed yet.... What is there to not love? I would in all honesty say that I'm worse off now than I was a few years ago, and I'm so much happier.

Who knows what's happened to me, but I'm positive that it's saved my life. :)

I'm lost and angry and sad and want to rampage from here to Australia. Will someone please save me?

Corey is gone.

So I obviously want to be.

I talked to my Mom about temporarily dropping out of school. She said, "You know you'll never go back." I thought I was more important than a piece of paper proclaiming my diligence for the past 6 years. I guess I was wrong.

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Dear God,

I'm so scared. For three years I've headed down the same road, and I assumed at the end would lead to great happiness. What happens when the end of the road isn't what you want anymore? And what about the path you've wandered down for a year and half and it abruptly ends? Do I sit on my suitcase and cry? Do I turn around and find another path? What if I like this path? Can I sit at the end and maybe if I stare at it long enough, it will expand? Do I pray?

Yes, I pray. I pray for you to take this pain, fear, doubt, anger.... away. I can't get away from any of it. Please God, I need such tremendous amounts of help, and you're really the only one who can sufficiently provide it.

Please help Corey too, as he is as lost as I am. I wish I had the answers. I wish he'd love me back. I wish I could absorb his pain and make it my own so that he could continue with life.... Someone told me today that that's what love is.

And I do. I love him so much. I honor him, adore him, love him, look up to him.

So hear my plea, Lord. Stitch this gushing wound closed. There are only so many hours in a day that I can cry before I totally break, and I feel that's all I do anymore is cry. Thinking about crying makes me cry.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I cannot accept;
And the wisdom to know the difference.

...Please help me, God. If you're there....

A princess cut. Yes, absolutely. With white gold of course, as yellow gold is too conventional. Perhaps 3/4 of a carat if I'm lucky or maybe even a whole one!

It would be in October (again, or so I hope), with a costume party instead of a reception. Halloween has always been my favorite holiday. I would want a small get together for everyone in my party and my mother for a burn before the ceremony, and tell them how grateful I am to have them in my life. I'm not sure who it'll be yet though. Alison will be one. Tara will as well. Cinthia if she could make it. I can't really think of anyone else. I'd like them to wear a deep green. Or red?

But I will wear white. Something slimming and elegant and that will make me look glowing. Minimal make-up. I think I look better without it anyway.

Above and beyond that, I don't care. I don't care if we have dinner or a honeymoon or religion or gifts or flowers or how my hair looks or how he looks. None of it, do I give two shits about. All I care about is what the event means. The acknowledgment that there is another half to your orange and embracing it.

....Now can someone explain what the bloody fuck has come over me? When did I decide that I want to get married as soon as possible? I wish this were something I could talk to Corey about. I would like to know that we're on the same page. But I don't want to scare him.

I'm beginning to wonder if the only reason I'm in a rush is because I want to do this before he changes his mind and decide he doesn't love me.

This is the time of night that I have come to dread the most when I am at work. The laundry is done. I've vaccuumed (only once tonight so far), and the floor could use mopping, though guests haven't finished arriving yet. Coffee is made. Windows are washed, and the counters as well. I've finished my Adolescence homework and now.... I wait. I wait for Robert Kittel and Steven Mothersbaugh to arrive, bitch about the roads, sign the registration, take their keys.... then they leave, leaving me just as alone as I was before they arrived.

Oh how badly I want to smoke a bowl. Or have a beer. Or have entertainment.

Have you ever gone on the internet, and while you have the entire world wide web at your fingertips, just waiting for your command.... you realize that there is nothing that you want to see. You've exhausted the internet. It's a depressing realization.

What I'd really like to do is play WoW. A shocker of a sentence, I know. Having two relationships 'destroyed' by the game, and yet I play? I've modified that theory. The fact that they both played WoW was a coincidence. I have determined that it's not the game, but rather the player. Bottom line? Corey and Ben were assholes, and they really didn't deserve my time. Play your game, but you can kiss my ass goodbye before you sign in.

I need to pick up food for the cat. I also need to go to the NMC library and sign up to be a Spanish tutor so I can make some extra ka-ching. I need to clean out my car. I need to pay my DTE bill (which was absolutely astronomical this month). I need to cash my two paychecks, too. I need to read for Educational Psychology. Fuck commitment.

I do like answering room calls, though. People calling down, asking for information. It makes me feel useful and appreciated, which is what I lacked at my previous job.

Vegas was fun. Gambled a bit. Got drunk. Bought a new bowl. Bought some new clothes.... only thing I didn't do was get my Industrial.

Robert came. Left. Bitched about the roads. It's all typical. It's all systematic. Ah well. I like it here.