I have developed a theory. It's called the vortex theory. Whenever you get angry, it's caused by something called a vortex. Now, there's 5 D's that cause these vortexes. Distractions, Disease, Death, Divorce, and Denial.

Now think about it. All of these vortexes are divided into little vortexes. Say a person in class is really pissing you off, namely someone like...Brittany. I would be extremely tempted to put her under the title of a 'Disease' (HEHE!), but she'd actually be under the title 'Distraction'.

Now think of a single problem in your life and try to classify it. For example, right now I'm suffering from PMS, and that goes under 'Distractions'.

Looking back at Alex, I was severely unhappy because of him, and he goes under two titles; 'Divorce' and 'Denial'. Divorce isn't as we'd normally hear it. It's just a separation, like losing someone while there's still alive.

We can avoid all these vortexes throughout our entire lives...If we lived in a utopian society except for one, which is the inevitable 'Death'. Everyone dies, and that's negitive and hurtful energy.

I'll rant and rave about this later. Budha loves you!

I hope that Bacardi kicks in soon. Damn, I can feel it in my stomach. It burns. I downed that stuff really quick. I want to hurt...but since I'm in Florida and I'm wearing t-shirts, I can't. I almost can't wait until i get home and then; cut, cut, cut!

Oh yeah, and I wanna see Corey too. No, I didn't forget! I had an awful drea last night. It seems like I have a bad one every night. Sabrina came home (oh yeah, she's coming home June 2 for a week to graduate and see me before I leave), and I couldn't look at her. She was just this wonderful, beautiful being.

April, May, June, July, possible August. That's only 4 months. April is conference....and surgery. Oh shit! That's in...oh my fuckin' god! A week? Hah. The more I start to swear, the more easily distracted I am, and the drunker I feel! Whee! I've been watching MTV's "Cribs" for 15 minutes!

Oh yeah. May is prom with Andre (and Corey [the sweetheart!] is 100% chill with it), and the seniors go bye-bye. June is the end of my 10th grade year! No more pencils, no more books, no more teacher's dirty looks! Then July is Cherry Festival, my last Rotary Conference as an Outbound, and me, possibly leaving. My tentative leaving date is July 25, and my (wonderful) boyfriend's birthday is the 26th.

I wonder what would happen if I stood up really quick! Wheeeeee! Haha!

I wanna see "Pimp My Ride"!

Okay, Bye.

Today? Yeah, it was a good day. We had the first kiss today right by his spanish room. It was really sweet. I really don't want to leave him behind, but tomorrow I embark onto a plane bound for Orlando. I hate airplanes. I hate flying, airplanes, and heights. It has nothing to do with September 11, but I just hate flying. It's so unnatural. I mean, what if the pilot were like me? What if he was really disgruntled from having a bad day and crashed us somewhere?

I know it's probably disgusting, but I like looking at pictures of the September 11th crashes. I'd really like to go to ground zero and see the damage done before they build another damn tower. I don't think they should actually; build a new tower that is. I read somewhere that the borderline between the destruction and the rest of the building was actually 3 feet away from an open, untouched bible. God must be confused.

I kinda wish I could have taped the news that day. I was watching when the second plane hit the towers. I was watching when they fell down, and I cried.

I was in the 8th grade, sitting at my desk in American History with Hiedbrink, and completely awestruck at how fucked up the world really is. That day changed my life and now that I look back on it, it was for all the better. I realized that the world wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. Not everyone is all 'nicey-nicey'.

I really feel bad about Spain. What did Spain do? We've done so much. We've murdered thousands of innocent people. We've invaded Iraq, leaving their economic system in ruins and their governent ripped to shreds. Is this unpatriotic? Then so be it. America has crossed the line.

Arg! I'm turning this into a political blog! NO!

But have you ever done the folding twenty trick? It's really kinda cool. Go here to see it.

So Corey and I...we're a couple! Whee! We had a date today, and after that, I really think that we have a future! I'm so happy. I haven't felt this way since Anderson.

I'm gonna send a thank you note to Elizabeth and Sarah for helping me hook up with him. It's something he reccomended, and it's only nice. After all, Liz has done so much for me for so long. She was there for me when Jake was being an asshole, and when I was angsting over Ashly and Anderson. Not only that, but when Kendall left, she went with me to the bathroom when I sobbed uncontrollably.

Oooh! Survivor! I'm gonna go watch it. And eat. I'm hungry. Ciao!

What's up sweetcakes? Who's hip anyways? YAY! I love Cowboy Bebop.

I got a guy's phone number today, and not by trickery, like how I know Andy's. (Hehe... I'll call him and I'll stay quiet, but he'd recognize my labored [sick people's] breathing, he'd be all like: "Annie, hang up the fucking phone and go to sleep!") Ah yes. I've more or less given up on Andy. He's really fun to swoon over, but I can't see myself with him. >.<* So my little second grade crush on Andy is still there but I am aware that he doesn't like me, nor will he. So yay! One obsession roadbump has been paved smooth!

Laney, as great of a guy he is, is a little upset with me at the moment, because last week when I was high on codine, Chris asked me out and I said yes. Now, I had no idea. I used the excuse of "I'm an exchange student to break up with him. He was seriously upset and he threatened Laney that if we dared go out, we're both 'gonna pay'. I guess he felt threatened. ^_^*

Alex Brown is sooooooo cool, and yes I still like him, but dammit! The boy is always busy on Saturday nights! One day I might get so desperate as to ask him out on a Sunday or a Friday. I don't think I'll ever get a chance with him. Ever. So I'll cry into my never-ending river for that one. Ah well.

Then ('Oh shit,' you're thinking. Oh yeah! I can read you like a book, my reader.) there is that guy I got a number from. His name is Corey, and I've known of him since 7th grade, but never really knew his story until last year. I was shopping with Mina and Rini on Friday night, and we went into Hot Topic. I saw a Hello Kitty shirt and tried it on. I asked Rini if it was too small and she said no, and that it was cute. Corey was behind her and said: "yeah it is." I'm sure I blushed. (I own the shirt now. :-D)

So Mina, Rini, Corey and I all hung out for the next 45 minutes or so. He became our 'pimp', which was funny because a guy dressed in all black with a trenchcoat with three giggling girls clinging onto him was not your stereotypical pimp. We looked at tapes in 'fye'. Tapes, not CDs. Fun stuff, man! When we left, he hugged me. I was all happy and stuff. But today I got his number.

Beth says he might like me, especially because of the way he acts around me. Sarah agrees. Yay.

So now that I've narrowed it down, I might try to get to know him better. And maybe I'll call him. ~Smiles~

I'm still tripping from last night, man. I'm all lethargic because I took a little over my recommended dose for my stature of codine cough meds. As much as that stuff tried to keep me down, I stayed up to try and feel these effects. Man it was cool. The room was spinning, and I was playing the SIMS. I'm a little afraid to open up my game because I probably set everything in the house ablaze.

I'm still waiting for that clock to hit 6:45 so I can jump into my car and go to work (which is 5 minutes away by car, so why I choose to take 15 minutes I'll never know). Yes it's 6:35 in the morning as I write this word. I hate being up this early on the weekends, but Jennifer needed today off, so I took the shift for her. I hope she'll be back tomorrow, and I hope Alex will be back today.

Hehe...I keep misspelling words and I go back to fix them. You know that your tripping when it took five minutes to write this since your last time check.

~Distraught~ Wahh! I went to put on my prom dress today because I wanted to look pretty, but I tried it on, and it won't fucking fit! I've gained so much weight! I'm gonna kick some ass! So for this reason, I'm Atkins-ing again. I haven't gained weight, so I'm still at 140 (I don't care if I keep it secret). But I've gained inches. I haven't been drinking nearly enough water, so it could be that I'm just retaining hella amounts of water. I'm gonna fit into that dress!

Nine days until spring break. Yay. I should whip out my summer clothes and see what fits. ~growls~ Gained weight.... Anyway!

Yeah I think I'll do that. Ciao.

I love working with Jennifer and Alex. They're both such great people. Jenny is playful, sweet, and so good natured. we get along so well you'd think we've known each other our whole lives.

Alex (surname is Brown) is so fun to be around. I radiate cheerfulness when he's around. He's a junior and a jock, but a good one. He knows my status, and yet he hangs out with me. He talks with me about stupid stuff and serious stuff. I'm always coming up with non-chalant lines to find out what he's doing on Saturday nights. He's a busy guy. He has lots of friends.

But one of these Saturday's he'll be free and I'll ask him out!

Yesterday, I asked him if he was gonna end up quitting. He said yes, and sooner than I thought. He said about a month or so he'd be out of there. I tried to stay as late as I could, asking if there was any work that needed to be done, just so I could stay and see him there.

I looked around for him this morning when I got there at 10, because he was supposed to have gotten there at 8:30. He wasn't there. I asked Ellen, a fellow hostess where he was...

~Hides face in hands~ He's in the hospital.

No one knows why. His mom just called in and said he was hospitalized. Tell me he's okay...

I hugged him yesterday before I left work. What if that was the last time I hugged him? What if he dies? Augh! Shut up you stupid, evil voice in the back of my mind! All you're doing is being pessimestic, and that'd not very nice to do to someone who's had a rough day.

Sometimes I reflect on things and I get such an undesirable feeling. Like now, I'm thinking out how long I've had my car, which is a little under three months, and how many guys I've kissed in it. It's something like 4. I feel like such a slut. It's just not how I am, so what in the world happened to me? I feel like the user and the used at the same time. Hindsight is 20/20 after all. I shouldn't give my affections away so freely.

My parents and I are going to Orlando for Spring Break. Truthfully, I could either stay home or go. I really don't care. We're leaving in 15 days. My Mom is so estatic. I wonder if my scars will be noticed. I'm putting on Mederma and shea butter every night now. Well, two applications every night.

There is only one way I would look forward to this vacation, and that is if we could take Andre. He really wants to go on a trip and see the rest of America. He's signed up for a trip with Rotary, but he doesn't know anyone on the trip. He wants to go to either Florida or California. He has the option of New York and some other place too. I say he should go to New York, but he really doesn't want to go there. My parents would probably let him come along if he paid his own way, but I don't think he could afford it. His Brazilian family certainly isn't rich (I actually think they have a problem with income...), and I don't think his current host family, regardless on how much I know they love me, would pay for him.

I'd LOVE if Mina came too, but she's switching host families soon, and you'll never guess who. Rini's family.

So Jake is with the Megan girl he danced with in Canada. I hate myself. I can't believe he replaced me so easily. We were supposed to be in love! Hence the reason why I had sex with him. I hate him! I want to cut myself and make him feel the pain of my death hanging over his head. I FUCKING HATE HIM! I would come back to the mortal relm as a ghost and haunt his sorry ass.

The light at the end of the tunnel has faded, and I'm spiraling out of control.

The reminants of this cold are still lingering. Arg matey.

Skittles it a fucked up name for a candy. Whenever someone says: "Skittle" I immediately think "poop!" Maybe it's because Kendall always called them Shittles.Not very effective, yet whenever someone has them, I almost beg. Sad, hm?

It's getting dark so late now. I was out at 7 and it was so light. I was out with Alex Lane tonight until about 6, and I was like: "It must be 4 or something. It's too bright." Yes, Laney, a name most haven't heard for a while. We've become friends again. Ah, more like we were reunited. He's still cute. He's still nice. He's still a great talking... partner... thing....

I wish I'd rain. I love the sound of the rain hitting the roof. It makes me feel safe.

Laney has become....more like me in the respect of self-abuse. His arms...they're scarred. I showed him my arms, and he showed me his. While mine are considerably more visible, his are still there, and they're longer. The majority of mine are horizontal, while his are a majority of vertical. I felt such a huge surge of something like admiration towards him. He knows what it's like to want to die. He hugged me when I dropped him off at home.

I think I'm boy crazy. ~Whines, then gasps~ Oh my god! All the guys I'm interested in, their names start with A! Alex, Alex, and Andy. Aye me. Get thee to a nunery.

I can't believe I'm still sick with this fucking cold! My voice is gone, I'm cranky, I have a headache, and I'm working tomorrow. Do not screw with me!

Seems like everybody is pissed at everybody too. At the play tonight, I was running the snack bar. I was supposed to be doing this solo, and she suddenly comes up behind me, looms over what I'm doing and proceeds to tell me the exact change for everything. I said to her: "Listen, I know you're trying to help, but I know how to make change. Remember that I'm a cashier at a restaurant?"

She got majorly pissy. Instead of me doing the snack bar, she sits down and starts taking money and doing my job . She did that earlier with my ticket sales job earlier. I guess she wasn't happy being an usher, because she took over my job and sent me to do her job which she also took from me, doing both and trying to be the hero. God did it piss me off. She was trying to not make me have a job. She wanted me to look useless.

So! If I was useless why am I needed? So I chilled with Linton and we talked together. She then glares at me and asks me why I'm not doing my job. I told her that I'd love to but since she was doing both jobs she had pushed onto me, there's nothing to be done. Especially because she has everything under control.

Whatever. Let her have her fun. Don't get bitchy because you want to get credit and outshine everyone else. The people didn't come here to see the sales crew and the ushers. They came for the actors, and you try to outshine them? Jesus Christ!

~Gags~

I need sleep. I slept for two hours, and I still can't stay awake like this. I'm dying. To find out, Kendall and Greg stayed home today and I'm so angry at myself that I didn't know. I could have called one of them and we could have talked and been miserable together.

~Puts head on desk~ This sucks. I woke up, you fuckers! No matter how comfortable I can get, I can't stay comfortable. I can't sit still, so I obviously get progressively more tired. It's so wierd.

It's raining. It's such a simple sound that completely blankets me and now I feel safe. I haven't heard the rain in such a long time, and it's so soothing to hear it patter on the roof. I'm warm from my bath, and tired from sickness. I could fall into a sleep resembling a coma.

After running around so much this weekend and humming at such a high frequency, my sickness which I bitched about on Friday has caught up with me. I woke up this morning with my throat burning and coughing like no other. Mom sent me back to bed.

I just got finished reading the blog Rick and I used to share. I'm sure he thought I was never going to read it again, so I guess his took it as his own. I had no idea he felt some of the things he feels. I felt bad. I mean, he pisses me off to no end sometimes, but I really do understand where he comes from. He said he grieved for me. I'm sure that I wanted to be with Alex about as much as he wanted to be with me. I can relate to the pain he went through. It's hard when the person you love appears to want nothing to do with you.

I wanna be friends again.....

I have 44 people on my buddy list. I know that's nothing compared to many. My friend Greg has a buddy list of friend's up in the 100's. If I took everyone off of that list except for the people I talk to everytime we're both online, the list would dwindle to 10. Sad.

Of course, Alex's profile hasn't been updated since the turn of 2000. It says he's 13 an he goes to East Junior High, which we graduated from last year.

I can't find my scar remover. I need to get rid of these fuckers too, because I'm having surgery and they put in an IV. What if, while I'm sleeping, someone tells my Mom that I have all these scars all over my arms? It's not like you have to look really hard to see them. They're bright pink and very hard to miss. ~Sigh~ I'm required to wear short sleeves, and I'm getting it done on April 6. I've never had surgery. And I'm scared.