I hate my life. It feels like my heart has been torn up, blended, then made into some sort of primitive paste to heal someone else's wounds. At least someone finds my heartbreak helpful.

I can't help get sick. I feel like I'm going to be sick. I'm sitting next to the bathroom in hopes that if I do end up getting sick, I'll be right here. Maybe I don't even care. If I get sick all over myself I'm not sure I'd even be that upset. Big fucking whoop. Who the hell am I trying to impress.

I'm ugly.
I'm fat.
I'm mean spirited.
I'm self-centered.
I've nothing going for me.

...I'm going to be sick.

All I've left is that shiny metal razor in my wallet, and it's sitting next to me. Pick it up?

lips are turning blue
a kiss that can't renew
I only dream of you
my beautiful
tiptoe to your room
a starlight in the gloom
I only dream of you
and you never knew
sing for absolution
I will be singing
falling from your grace
there's nowhere left to hide
in no one to confide
the truth runs deep inside
and will never die....

It's been a little over 24 hours, and I am sicker than a dog. Besides sleeping, I've cried every single hour. My eyes hurt, my heart hurts, my head is throbbing.... Oh God take me out of my misery. I don't want to live anymore. Every breath hurts because with every breath I'm losing my ignorance.

I just wish it could have gone on forever. I hate myself. It's all my god damned fault. I'm the worst, the ugly, the rudest, the most terrible person on the planet.

I couldn't help it at work. I burst out sobbing while folding napkins. Everyone keeps saying "I know how you must feel." No you fucking don't. You don't know what it's like, not even a little. I don't deserve to live. Imagine how that feels, to know that you are trash and that so many people want to throw you down and out.

It all hit me like a ton of brick when I turned the corner onto my street and I didn't see his car parked there. I slammed on my brakes and screamed until I had no air left. I wanted to scream the life out of me.

I don't want your pity. All I want is for him to come back to me....

Please Zavy, come back to me. I love you beyond what words could ever explain. I love you without knowing why or how. You are the love of my life, and I need you in my arms.

So it's over now. Fucking sweet.

I wanted to marry him. To be his everything. Why am I even here