I must admit, I am extremely jealous of everyone who gets to be with the people they love on Labor Day, while I'm stuck at work, tending to people's orders.

We actually had our first football game yesterday. Natuarally, we lost. We always lose. It's just the way it is.

My body is fighting something viral, and I'm losing. My glands are so large, they were actually sticking out from my skin last night. I can't remember the last time I've had so much mucus in my throat.

Not to mention I'm always cold. Last night, I put my down comforter and fuzzy blanket in the dryer so I could stay warm while going to sleep, when I had a sweatshirt and flannel pants on. It's not unusual to be a little over warm in the winter with that, but in August...I was a little cold.

I'm just so exhausted, I could go to bed right now, quarter after 8 as I write these words, and I can guarentee you, I could sleep through the night.

I woke up around 4 this morning with a raging headache so bad that it felt like my brain was being seperated by a scalple, piece by piece. I got up, took four, count them four asprin and went back to bed.

Okay, I really have to stop dwelling on this....

So I'll dwell on something else, like the past!

While at the football game last night, I was freezing my ass off. I was shivering so hard, it was amazing that the bleachers stayed up. Kyle, my ex-boyfriend saw this, sat behind me on the bleachers and wrapped me in his arms so that I could stay warm.

Ever since Kyle and I broke up, when he did stuff like that, it was extremely temporary and he was quite jokingly perverted about it. He would move his hands up to my breasts and pretend to enjoy it. Not this time. I sat there for all of half time and waited for him to act all perverted like, but he didn't. God, it was almost wierd.

I remember him doing that for me at football games. I'd be in my huge black sweatshirt with the hood pulled over my head, arms crossed and shivering to no end. He'd slip behind me, I'd sit between his legs and he'd put his arms around me to keep me warm.

"If only he knew
What was going right,
If only he knew,
I would not be alone tonight.
If only he knew,
What was going wrong,
If only he knew..."

I must admit, I am extremely jealous of everyone who gets to be with the people they love on Labor Day, while I'm stuck at work, tending to people's orders.

We actually had our first foot ball game yesterday. Natuarally, we lost. We always lose. It's just the way it is.

That party—it wasn’t even a party at all! It was yet another trap, for the young, naïve sophomores so the upperclassmen could torture us. The sophomores were lined up on the beach and shoved their faces into ice cream and wouldn’t let us get up to breathe. Not that this was my problem, I punched the shit out of anyone who even touched me.

Audrey, a trumpet player, grabbed a handful of ice cream and grabbed my shirt at the same time. She smudged all of that ice cream into my hair and all over my shirt, the only one I had there. They then proceeded to throw me in the water because of my earlier retaliation. So here I stood, soaked to the bone, about 70 degrees outside, a crisp wind blowing from the north, no towel, and no ride home.

I was pissed, so, I took off my shirt (ironically enough, all my bras were in the wash, so I wore my bathing suit top) and wrung out my shirt, and left. I got on my bike and headed home. Of course, my friend, Mikey, followed me. We went back to my place and called him. We planned to all go out and do something, though we weren’t sure what.

When he showed up, we decided on bowling. I hadn’t been bowling since I was in 7th grade. I broke 79!

The best part…was after, when Mikey had left, him and I were sitting down outside and waiting for Darryl to pick us up. I shivered and one thing led to another…and I ended up sitting on his lap and his arms around me and kissing me.

Yes! I’m first to admit that it sounds terrible clique, but god, it was wonderful. All was right in the world. My bee stings on my back quit hurting for the first time all day, and the scars on my wrists seemed so stupid and pointless. I couldn’t think of anything I wanted more at that distinct moment.

Everything was pure bliss. The feel of his fingers between mine, his scent, the taste of his tongue, the fact that I hear nothing in the world other than his voice.

I would rather be in his arms, than in the obituaries any day.

I just woke up, and god, what a way to start everything. I was closing the gate, knowing there was a bees nest in there, but it wouldn’t shut, so I tried a few more times and a bunch of bees came out…and I ran like hell, but to no avail. I was stung, and I’m allergic to bees.

I start crying hysterically because it hurts so much and I was so scared I was gonna get seriously hurt from it again. My breathing is growing more difficult, but I’ll be fine. I survived this last time without a shot. I’ll be fine.

But I cried for a lot of things, not just out of pain and fear, but I started crying out for him, and that I missed him and still love him so much and why, if there was a god, that he would do this to me.

I should go, the band is having a volleyball game in a little while.

Steven started a blog. I was quite intrigued, to enter the mind of a 23 year old who has quite a fling for yours truly. Many things came as a shock, as most who know me, I have the tendency to act quite thick in 'relationships'.

Take this quote for example. ‘I'd discuss Stephanie some more…she is the first person since Mel left that makes me happy…. But, of course there a couple catches. [Age is one] The second catch is her ex. She is so very much hung up on him, that it makes my deal with Melinda seem silly and childish. Nearly every blog entry makes mention of him (or HIM). There is clearly so much hurt there that I feel guilty sometimes for feeling how I do about her.’

’It makes the deal with Melinda so silly and childish’? Now there’s the shock. He went out with Melinda for something like 2 years and is still hung up on her. True, my feeling for him are incredibly intense at times, but I can hide it, and damn well. But, he really can’t hide it.

I know that I am still on the rebound. I’m still recovering from the shit that happened, and I honestly wonder if I’m ready for a relationship with anyone.

"But what about Justin? Isn’t he your boyfriend?" Yes, yes indeed he is, but do you really call it a relationship if you’ve been ‘going out’ for three months and he hasn’t seen me except for once and hasn’t even kissed me? All of my past boyfriends know that I’m not one to go very slowly or let limits really stop me.

I don’t let limits stop me? Then what about Mark, Jake’s older brother? Like I’ve said, he’s way above my status quota when it comes to boyfriends. But I’ve been fawning over him for 4 years now, and it’s just getting stronger. He’s even in band camp with me, and with the heat, I've considered 'fainting' while next to him. Will I ever be able to be with him? Fat chance. I’m too shy to even say anything to him anymore. I used to talk to him….but I’ve changed so much from then.

Then, at band camp, my section leader, Olivia, is just like me. Fed up with the world, very tomboyish, and would rather go out there are kick some ass instead of letting and watching someone else do it. I catch her looking at me sometimes, and I can’t help but admit that sometimes…I look at her. We hang out because we can’t stand the other flute players. They are girly beyond all recognizable belief and it pisses us off, because we’re almost complete opposites from them.

Okay, I feel like I’ve been writing for a very long time, so I leave you here.

Mom: "I'm worried about you. You seem anti-social, and when you act this way, I'm almost always pissed. Like finding piercings in unexpected places....

Me: (rolling her eyes) Go ahead and 'inspect me' but I have nothing to hide (Covers wrists, feeling lucky she can't see anything below her neck).

Mom: Whatever.

Shit, it's like she knows.

I cried at camp today. For about an hour staright after lunch, I cried silently, but kept marhcing and playing. Katie asked what's wrong, and I told her about Zavy, and how things went wrong. She says she know's what it's like. Yeah? I've been through that shit so many times....

I was doing the math yesterday, and it just doesn't add up. With everything that has happened to me, I should be dead. When I was born, my lungs were full of liquid and I couldn't breath. When I was three, I had pnemonia. When I was two, I nearly drown in the bay. Then, with all the dripping blood from my wrists and arms, I should be dead from that too.

But back to the band camp thing. My heart was pounding so hard, I thought it was going to come out of chest that's how much I was hurting. I miss him so much, I nearly pretended faking fainting and going home, just to cry myself to sleep.

Of course, Mark, Jake's brother, the guy I've watched for 4 years now, has gone after another flute player. I'm getting so sick of men. I want to give up.

"We can start our life together,
With the dream instead of giving up.
You can meet your other self,
We can change with just one feeling.
See, let's start from here,
Just start our new life."

"Start In My Life"
Kuraki Mai

That girl...that quiet girl with the oddest additude, just stayed laying there, looking up into the warm, summer, night sky from her blacktop driveway.

'That counts three,' she thought. 'shooting stars that is.'

She took a breath and began to speak.

"I think about you all the time you know. I'll walk around a corner in the hallway, and there you are. Do you notice that I stop suddenly in my tracks when I look at you? No, no of course you wouldn't. I'm so incredibly below your status." She hiccups.

The night sky seemed to expand before her eyes.

"I'd give anything to be with you. As soon as I met you, I felt something. My heart felt like there was a burn on it. Not a painful burn mind you, but a pleasureable burn. Even Sarah noticed how I act around you. She says: 'Don't give up if your heart is telling you to not let him go!' What do I have to say to that? Ha. You'd never love me anyway.

She swallows the lump in her throat. "It like I wake up everyday, and it's so gray out. Then the next day it get's grayer and grayer and eventually it feels like it can't get any grayer, but it always does. Then the grayest day of your life just so happens to be Valentine's Day. You look at all the gray around you, then to your wrists. Suddenly it hits you. 'Hey! I should slit them just to see some color.' And it works...."

Her eyes close.

Everyone has a most embarrassing moment, am I correct? What's yours?

I remember being absolutely mortified in the 3rd grade when I splashed a guy in the face and started choking on the water he inhaled in the pool. This guy was a friend of my crush, and he shouted "Gosh! What's wrong with you, you freak?!"

Then, when him and I were having our first fight, I grabbed his throat and clenched to get him to listen. He couldn't breath. He stood up violently from his chair, turned bright red, and screamed "You bitch!" I'm still scarred from that one. I've never been so scared of anyone in my life, and this was the love of my life.

Then of course, there was last night. I was spending the night at my Nana's house and babysitting Max and Little sister (The family decided to come up for the weekend when their power went out. They live in Ann Arbor.). Aunt Teresa and Uncle Kurt heard that I had never seen American Pie, were utterly disgusted, and since I'm going to band camp tomorrow and I play the flute, they rented it.

I love my aunt and uncle. They understand me. I can actually TALK to them and trade perverted jokes with them. It's probably because they're so young.

My aunt, uncle, myself and my 60-something year old grand mother gathered around the television when the kids were (finally) asleep.

The movie was hilarious. When Michelle said: "Now are we gonna screw soon, because I'm getting a little antsy.", that is something I would say! Well, there was also the: "What's my name." "What?" "Say my name, bitch!". Yeah, okay, that's more like me.

.... Ah yes, the mind is a wonderful thing!

But the embarresing thing is, that through all the perverted jokes, she stared at me, trying to see if I understood the 'crude' high school humor. She would scowl if I laughed! It's like she wants me to be a prude for my whole life.

So I'm all ready for band camp! My flute is....unpacked in my room and laying in my room, my piccolo is in it's case, but by my bed, atleast I really hope so.... My clothes for tomorrow are probably on the floor. Hey, whatever smells clean. Erm, what's the forecast again? Now all I have to do is find my music. Ha. Have you seen my room?

Okay! So in other words, I'm not ready at all. So sue me! I have more important things to do dammit! Like uhh...fantisize! Mmmmm....

There I go again. Maybe I really should plan everything out. it'll be easier in the morning.

I was thinking aloud again to myself today.

"Why do I want to be thin?" I paused. "Well that's a stupid question. I wanna be hot. I want other to think I'm cute, and thin, and pretty."

Then I thought, it's pretty stupid. If I spent my whole life worrying about what others think of me, my life really is pointless. I'm searching for everyone's approval, but is it really worth it if I'm not happy?

Then other times I say "Fuck it."

Drivers Ed is the work of the devil.

Me: "Can't you just shoot me now?"

Devil: "Oh certainly not! We must make sure you are nearly dead from boredom."

Me: "Great."

Today was an odd day at work. I was cleaning the men's bathroom around 4:20 and Mark came in.

"Who's in here?" He asked.

"Me." I said popping out of the only stall.

"Oh okay." He said. He walked up to the urinal and while I was standing there...and went. Right there in front of me! The same guy who locked me in that bathroom and turned out the lights after throwing bags of trash at me, was now taking a piss with me looking on!

I turned atleast three shades of red, from my neck to the roots of my hair. This guy....it's so wierd. We don't have anything between us, but he's cute. I'll admit it. His skin is tan, his hair is black, and his eyes are so dark, it's hard to tell if they're black or brown. It's a creepy, mysterious thing.

Ugh! I give up! I miss him, and I'm still not fully recovered. I need to get over him!

Please baby....have hell freeze over. Please...I beg of you....

I have an idea!

The Tuesday Ten

Do you want a tattoo? What and where?
Yeah, I want a tattoo. It'd be the Chinese symbol for love on the small of my back.

Where do you shop the most?
Borders Books and Music.

Is cheerleading a sport?
No, it's just a hobby.

Favorite Food
Pocky. Japanese dessert! Mmmm....

Ever loved someone so much that you cried?
Yes. Still cry.

What's your favorite type of music?
Some modern rock, punk rock, disco, anything I like I guess.

Diamonds or Pearls?
Diamonds. Pearls are kinda ugly.

What's the longest crush you've had?
Erm...going on 4 years.

What's the first thing you notice in the opposite sex?
The eyes. They lure me in....

Worst fear?
Waking up at 3 am and finding out my best friend died.

I went to Sabrina's Bon Voyage/Birthday Party yesterday. She's leaving for Japan on the 20th, and god am I scared for her. She's an exchange student.

I myself have an interview with the Rotary Club International to see about heading over to Italy...or wherever as an exchange student. I'd like Italy the best, I have no idea why. Maybe because of the Roman culture. I'd like to go back to Britian, but not nearly as much as i would like the go to Scotland. Italy is the winner so far, and I'm lucky that Italian is a good deal like Spanish. I'm quite fluent in Spanish.

I cheated AGAIN today. I'm just not having luck. I want to get through a whole week...then I'll reward myself. But I shoved a spoon down my throat again...at work. I ran into the bathroom and came out gagging and coughing with my face and eyes an unpleasent red color. The waitresses eyed me suspicously, as they have nothing better to do at the end of the day.

Busser Mark had been following me around all day, and when cleaning the bathroom, he threw the bag of trash at me, turned out the lights and locked the doors. It was eerie, having no light and being locking in a men's restroom.

"MARK! I'm gonna kill you!" I half screamed and half laughed. His own laughter came from outside the door.

Don't ask me how, but I managed to get out of the bathroom. I went into the busser's station, saw him standing at the sink, and I slapped him on the back, really hard. It echoed through the kitchen. Wow, was was proud of that. I didn't look at his face, but going by the fact that he didn't talk for a while, that it hurt pretty badly.

Then of course, he sprayed me with the dish nozzle....

I realized today that I'm very lucky about where I work. By this time last year, I had already quit my job. My boss is good to me, the waitresses are kind, the bussers are a fucking riot, and the hostesses are...okay, they're not great, but there are a select few I really like! The customers can be plain-flat assholes most times, but I can deal. I can bitch on paper and use this nifty little tool.

Everyday a young man about my age goes to the almost always vacant park kitty corner from my house and practices his basketball abilities. He's there everyday, stay there for about 3 hours, and I've only started seeing him about two months ago. When I'm bored, not at work, or whatever, I will often watch him from my driveway. I wonder if I should go over there and introduce myself, see how long he'll be here. Mum says I should.

I cheated again today by eating a cup of yogurt that was 19 carbs, one below my limit for the day and I already had something like 10. I ran into the bathroom with my spoon and gagged myself until I threw it all back up. Tears ran down my face. I hate that. Whenever I gag, tears begin to roll. Is this getting dangerous?

Fuka talked to me today, and I was real happy to hear from her. Does absences make the heart grow fonder, or does it make you forget? I really do miss her, and the thought of getting through a year without her seems like hell.

....As long as I have him, I can do no wrong. He's my best friend, and if something happened to him, I would be on my bed repeating how pointless my life is, unblinkingly. That's kinda severe.

Ariana gave me her fish and I named him Nao. I have no idea if it's male or female, but I like tha name Nao. It's short for Naozumi.

I need sleep. Night.

For the first time in a long time, I babysat earlier this evening. I'm not overly fond of these two kids, but I can get along with them just fine. Of course, I always compare babysitting jobs witha little boy named Alex I used to sit for all the time. It's really too bad that he moved, because we got along PERFECTLY, his mother loved me, and the pay was outstanding.

They watched Spider-Man nice and quiet like, and shared some fruit snacks. Those fruit snacks lured me in, and Caleb had four packets alone. I could smell the sugar, so when the kids were asleep, I was all over those fruit snacks like an addict to a free rock of crack.

When I had finished my freaking 6th packet, I felt terrible. My guilt set in that I was eating their food without asking, and eating so many carbs and sugars. Fifteen minutes later, I was home, in the bathroom, shoving a finger down my throat and trying to get all that shit I put into my system out again. It came up as a bittersweet taste, and I'm not sure if I've tasted anything so wretched in all my life.

However, when I got on the scales this morning they said 137; a mark I haven't seen since the summer after 7th grade. Applause is welcome.

The fair was great. Ariana and I captured quite a few Kodak moments. Her on a tractor, me and my 'sexy biotch' pose on a tractor, us with the fish that she won, us in front of a HUGE ASS TURKEY, us modeling with a goat....blah blah blah.

I'll write later.

He said: "Why do you even wear a bra? You have nothing to pack there anyway."

She said: "You wear pants don't you?"

Why in the world is it so difficult to find caring, good looking, and sensitive men? They all have boyfriends of thier own.

Man: "Why did you make women so stupid?"
God: "So she would love you."

A woman who knows where her husband is at every moment is a widow.

I was in the mood for some female impowerment....

Ariana and I are going to the fair tomorrow. I'm actually looking forward to it. First it was going to be Sabrina, because she's leaving for Japan of the 20th, but she doesn't have her car tomorrrow. Ah well. Atleast Ariana and I can share some quality time together. We'll see barn animals, and go on rides, and she'll eat bread poducts til she pukes. Don't you just love the county fair?!

I'm already planing my outfit. Don't ask why, I just am.

I have myself a new car. It's a 1991 SAAB 9000 turbo, and I fucking LOVE IT. It's black with a sunroof, premium sound, 6 disk CD player, leather seats, 0 to 70 in 5 seconds, blue landing lights, and just...augh! It's gourgous! It's the most beautiful machiene I have EVER laid my eyes on! AND IT'S MINE! HAHAHA! He is exceptionally jealous. ^_^*

I haven't seen Justin online lately, which is one of the reasons I'm on now. I hope to see him on here, because I'm trying to break up with him. Why don't I call him? Well, I've never called him before, so it'd kinda be bitchy to call him for the first time in the so called 'relationship' we have and break up with him. And my readers know I'm just not a bitch. Ahem....

I ordered a ring off of Ebay too. Isn't she adorable?!

Okay, off to count my change. I'm trading it in for bills tomorrow for the fair. Later.