A young man named John received a parrotas a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the chicken did?"

There is so much to say, and I actually know where to start.

I WAS ACCEPTED. I'm an outbound exchange student. I will I knew where I was going to go, but I'll find out in January. I don't know what else to say about that...which is amazing....

In shadow of all this, homecoming is on October 11, and I finally have a date. There's just one problem.

His name is Tim, Tim Lyons. He's so awesome, he marches with me, and I really do like him. I could see myself and a future with him. That's certanly not the problem.

Tim said he wasn't thinking about the night homecoming was, and he's been planning to go downstate with his dad for about a year, and that's the weekend his dad wants to go. Now he's stuck. He has the choice to stay here and take me to homecoming or to go downstate, missing homecoming completely and not taking me. I feel really bad, and so does he. He knows I rejected Linton to go with him, a senior I really like no less, which makes it even harder for him.

I wonder who he'll pick. Valerie says he'll stay here to be with me. Valerie is now going with Rick, the guy who was hitting on me at the party. We're doubling and going out to dinner before going to the dance.

Please stay here Tim....

I'm kind of caught up in the whole 'is he my boyfriend?' thing.... Well is he?! Who cares. Even if he doesn't go, I'll have the satisfaction of knowing he chose me to go with.

Sabrina,

I miss you so much, dear! I got your thank you note today, after failing my road test and a whole ordeal with Olivia (she's my friend, and I love her dearly, but I'm not sure how I'm supposed to deal with what she did), it was a wonderful pick me up.

Olivia and I have been getting along great. While her and I were getting close, I met a guy, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about him since I met him. You probably know him; his name is Richard Manner. I planned to ask him to homecoming yesterday, and when I was about to ask him, Olivia said to wait until he was in a better mood.

So she comes up to me today in band while I'm putting my flute together, and she breaks it to me that she is going to homecoming with Richard. It happened last night. She was trying to hook me up with Richard earlier, so I was pretty much destroyed, kinda like the him and Meredith thing last October.

Then, I failed my road test within 10 minutes of starting. When he came up to my window and said: "you obviously know you failed..." I started crying.

In the lighter side, my panel Rotary interview is on Sunday at one. I'm not nervous, I'm just worried about different things right now (Like Olivia and Richard). I need to focus on my interview though...whatever.

I'll talk to you later. Oh! By the way, you're exchange replacement, Minase, is adorable, and she's become as close as you are to me!

Bye.

Stephanie

I'm really sorry to hear that things didn't work out with Richard, but I'd like to try to explain what happened. (I received an email from Olivia telling me about it). Last year, before school got out, she and Richard became pretty good friends. She's had a crush on him for a while, and when she realized that he was actually interested, she didn't really know how to deal with it, so she just treated him the same as always. I think they saw each other a few times over the summer, but I was a little distracted so I'm not sure. And Olivia was pretty surprised, too...Richard asked her, it wasn't the other way around. So...I regret saying this, but even if you did ask him to Homecoming, I think he would have refused, because I know he was planning to ask Olivia. *hugs* I know how that's really rough...when I had a crush on Kaitie's brother, she tried to set us up, and instead he asked Cat (who was one of my best friends at the time) to prom. I was basically crushed. But...I knew that Cat really didn't intend for it to happen, so we're still good friends. I realized later that Kaitie's brother is really kind of an ass. ^_^; I can assure you that Richard isn't an ass, but it's kind of the same. You'll realize that he's not right for you. Either that or Olivia will screw up royally (which is possible, he'll be her first boyfriend, so she doesn't really know what to do...) and Richard will be a free man again.

Almost everyone fails their road test a time or two. Was it the parallel parking? That was what almost killed me, and it was only by a hair that I actually passed. (I probably shouldn't have, but the guy was pretty nice about it) So don't worry about it, ya know? You can take it tomorrow or next week or whenever you can schedule another one. It's really not a big deal, and the only loss is about $25 for each test. *grins* Cheer up, you know? Failing a driving test isn't something to stress about. Chelsea failed hers twice? I think...and I know some people who failed five times before passing. *giggles* It's kind of amusing, when you're not the one who failed. *hugs* But it's really not a big deal.

I thought the September Rotary conference was already over with? Why do you have your panel interview on this Sunday? Unless you didn't go to the conference with the other students...Or is the conference this weekend? I can't remember, but I thought it was two weekends ago. Anyways, you'll do fine as long as you show then you're flexible about your religious/cultural beliefs and are willing to go to ANY country, not just your first choice. (That was really tough for me, but I suit my country well, so I didn't have to worry too much.)

Anyways, I hope you're doing well. I would absolutely love it if you'd keep me posted on the latest gossip and who's going out with whom. ^_~ I'll get the other side from Olivia and Chelsea, whenever they email me, and maybe even Shannon Shomo, too. I really hope your Rotary Interview goes well!

Love and Hugs,
Sabrina

Tears are running down my face. I miss Sabrina so much. I don't think I realized how much she actually means to me. I want to go back in time and try and be with her more. I know it's for a year, but it seems like forever.

I'm jealous of Richard. Olivia is a nice girl, and I think we all know I have had feelings for a girl before; Fuka. Now I'm past Fuka, and Olivia is right there. I don't want anything other than to be together to cry, to laugh, to hold each other when we need it.

I suppose that's what me and Sabrina had, and that's what I miss. It's all coming together...

I’m really not sure if I’ve been so physically drained in my life. Today was a long day, as was yesterday. It’s been a long week I suppose.

So Olivia…I really don’t know what I’m supposed to do about her. She’s going to homecoming with…guess who? Richard. When I found this out, I nearly threw up on site and scene. This was on Thursday.

I also had my road test on Thursday and he failed me because I can’t parallel park worth shit. Within 10 minutes, I was failed. I detest that man….

Today, I was expecting everything to suck, but I am damn lucky that yesterday wasn’t like today in its entirety.

After the football game, I went to a party. It was a band party, and I must say I was very sorely disappointed that Richard showed up, and my friend Tim didn’t. It’s really too bad Tim was in a really shitty mood because of our awful performance (he’s a section leader and will get his ass chewed off).

Rick, a trumpet play I’ve known likes me for a while…was there. He slipped his arms around me and I just sat there. I didn’t know what to do. I mean, of course I like him…he’s a nice guy. But I don’t think I could start a relationship with him. I just broke up with Justin yesterday.

Then all of a sudden, he asks me out. I didn’t know what to say at all. So I stumbled this out in some shape or form.

I want to be with Linton. He’s a nice guy, and I asked him to homecoming today.

“Hey Linton, come here.” I said to him at lunch. He approached me and smiled. “We don’t know each other very well…but do you want to go to homecoming with me?”

He smiled. “I’ll think about it.”

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?! ‘I’ll think about it’. Then just walk away; leaving me there, with my bag slung over my shoulder, my flute and lunch bag in hand. You’re a senior Linton, I know that. But I really am genuinely interested in you!

I’m genuinely interested in a lot of guys lately I guess. I need to figure out what the hell I’m doing. If I had one serious boyfriend, all of this interest in so many guys would end.

I’ll admit it. Even if Richard is being a complete ass and Olivia an entire bitch, I want to be with Richard. Linton is an extremely close second, if not a tie. The rest is a muddle of people. Zavy (whom I still want to be with, but I feel as if it will never work), Tim, yes, even sometimes Fuka and Olivia.

It’s hard to explain Olivia and Fuka. They both make me feel better about myself like he used to. Olivia has more of that effect on me that Fuka. Last year, it was all Fuka though.

Rotary Interview is tomorrow. If I don't make it, I will lock myself in my room and never come out.

No more explaining. No more thinking. Goodnight.

The story: From what I can piece together.

“Today’s the day!” I said to myself triumphantly. “I will see Richard 4th hour, and I will ask him to homecoming! I’m not worried in the least. I have back-ups don’t I? I’m just hoping I won’t need to use them.”

Fourth hour came around, and I told Olivia what I was doing. Pretty soon, a good amount of people knew because a clarinet player overheard. You can never trust those clarinet players. Stupid bitches that they are….

Getting back on track, by the end of band, everyone in the woodwind section knew about my obsession with one, Mr. Richard Manner, which is pretty nice, seeing as he’s a percussion player.

I was pumped. I stood in the band lobby and watched him come out. ‘Let’s do this thing!’

I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. My stomach became a series of unmanageable knots, my knees to springs. I couldn’t talk and I was struck by a wave of nervousness I’ve never felt before in my life.

I sat with Olivia at lunch too, and Richard sat behind me. Still more nervous than I’ve ever been in my life, and dateless to the fact, I had plotted my attack to ask him after lunch before he went to class.

He got up too early for me to catch him. “Go ask him! Hurry, before he gets away!” Olivia hissed at me. I couldn’t stand up. I couldn’t move.

One more missed opportunity under my belt. Great. I’m really getting far with this approach.

Richard has 7th hour next to mine. I went next door, and Olivia saw me standing there like a complete deer in headlights.

“You ready?” she asked, calmingly.

“Yep.” I said almost determined.

She returned inside to go and get the man of my dreams, and returned…

…saying that he was in a shit mood. “Try when he’s in a better mood.” Olivia said.

My face burned in frustration. I can still feel the heat radiating like sunburn, an hour and a half later.

I stood outside the door again at the end of the day, stubborn as I am, and was going to do it. I was going to ask him, regardless of a shit mood or not. Garret (Trombone) and Austin (Tuba) came out, two senior twins who are in band with Richard, Olivia and myself.

They looked at me and smiled mischievously. “What?” I asked eyeing them warily. They kept smiling, like two Cheshire cats. I narrowed my eyes. “You know? How?”

“Sources.” Austin said.

“Oh I’m going to kill Olivia.” I growled. “Kill her!”

They smiled one last time, and then departed. Enter Olivia, stage right into the hallway.

“You told Garret and Austin?!” I shrieked.

“I didn’t think you’d care, seeing as you told the clarinet section.” Olivia said.

“I didn’t tell them that.” I said confused. Then it hit me. “Great…” I said under my breath.

We walked and talked out to her car. From everything I can piece together, here is my response.

Richard hasn’t had a girl go up to him and say: “Will you go to homecoming with me?” He’s only heard: “My friend really likes you and was wondering…” I’m the first girl to try the direct approach. But I’m not the first person to get to him either. He’s not going with anyone yet, but he has a waiting list of about 3 girls with friends. They’re all saying: “You need to talk to me before making any decisions about homecoming.” And they all did it to him today.

It’s not as bad as it sounds either. I do have a chance. It’s not as hopeless as it looked a few days ago, but if I were to stick with Richard, I’d have to wait for a response, and I want to figure out whom I’m going with before the week is over. The response looks like it’ll be sometime next week.

So I’m cheerfully saying good luck, see you in band, and remember I’m genuinely interested in you. ~Wink~ Call me.

Everyone is being picked over, and I’m damn lucky I have 4 back-up plans that I know share an interest in me. Now my plans include a young man (Okay, he’s a senior too.) named Lyndon. He’s the lights guy for the plays, and we’ve been caught flirting every time we talk. I’m a light girl this year too, so I’ll be able to talk with hang with him all year. He’s no Richard, but I certainly wouldn’t mind a relationship with him.

Third (Don't I sound like a slut?! Christ!), is a tenor sax player in band with him, whom I know likes me. We play cards at lunch, and if I skip a session, he’ll shame me. I’m his Yukon partner. He helped me get ready for our first football game. He’s really nice too. He’s a junior.

Stopping here since I’m entering my third page of rambling.

Goodbye.

Why am I enjoying band so much more than usual? True, Richard is in there, but he was before. Could Olivia possibly have made things more fun just by telling Richard that I like him?

Yesterday night before practice, I was playing football with the rest of the band and I was on whose team? Yes, his. Well his pants were ripped. Don’t worry (not that you would), they were wind pants. But he ripped them entirely and tied the rags of the outer layer around his middle so it looked as if he was a wearing a Speedo on top of his white, see-through liner.

”Dammit, I’m cold.” He said. He then proceeded to run to his car, looking like an absolute fool, wrapped a flannel, green plaid blanket around his waist and held it up with jumper cables.

The funniest thing however, was when the band teacher called all the section leaders up to the front to talk. Richard was saying to another person how no one is taking anything seriously. Seriously Richard, my dear? You’re wearing a blanket that looks very much as if you’re wearing a kilt and it’s being held up with jumper cables. Then you talk about being serious?

I’ve been thinking about this…should I ask Richard to homecoming? I’m a little Sophomore, and he’s a senior, and lots of people like him. Not like him as I do, but like him as a friend. Bottom line, he’s not a popular kid like the preps, but popular because of the number of friends he has and well known because he’s so smart. He reminds me oddly enough of Zavy, whom I’m very sorely disappointed with at the moment.

Am I making any sense? Bottom line, I like Richard, and I want to go to homecoming with him. But I’m so nervous. Thinking about it makes me sick. I want to ask him before it becomes too late, but asking him early makes zero sense. I’ll be seeming desperate, right?

I’m just worried about seeming like a freak. Of course, I pretty much am. His math room is right next to mine and we both have math 7th hour. I peeked through the window from around a corner just to watch him before class. Olivia came up behind me.

“You’re adorable, Annie.” She said smiling at me. I was pretty embarrassed, so I ran into my room next door.

I do have a back-up, but it does appear that I have a taste for older men. My youngest is a Junior. A junior! I need to set my sights a little lower, but hopefully, I won’t have to use a back-up. Please Richard...please.

Oh no, Justin is online. I need to break it off with him. I’m kinda scared. He doesn’t want to go to homecoming with me anyway…. Whatever.

"Okay Annie, here's the deal. I kind of let it slip the other day that one of my girls in the section liked Richard...to the devil himself." Olivia said to me during the first quarter up in the stands.

"You WHAT?!" I screeched.

"Oh he doesn't know it's you. He just knows that one of you does. He keeps bugging me about it!" She said.

I took a bite of my apple, feeling my face burn. Mina slid down and sat next to me.

"So...since he's bugging me so much, can I tell him? I promised I'd ask you, and now that I've asked..." She trailed off.

"Is he single?" I asked, swallowing my bite of apple. Mina giggled.

"Yes, though I'm not exactly sure if he's looking."

I gave it a few minutes silent thought.

"Okay."

We went down onto the field and did our halftime show. I didn't screw up either, but he was watching me from the side lines, and all I did was look at him.

The 4th quarter rolled around and we were kicking some major ass, the football team that is.

"So when are you gonna tell him?" I asked excitedly. I was actually looking foreward to him finding out.

"Listen little girly," Olivia said. "I don't have to tell him. I never have to tell him." I stared at her blankly with a pinch of hurt. She smiled.

"I told him right before half time." She said.

My dad has a picture of Richard. He took a picture of him at the football game for me. He's so wonderful....

He's all I can think about, and it's terrible. I want to be with him, and I really couldn't tell you why. He's a senior, is it totally useless to want to be with him? Would he ever want to be with me? I'm a sophmore. I'm at the bottom of this food chain called high school.

Then again, I am in band, and serious about it. Yet, through all that, I manage to have fun with it. Okay I'm giving myself too much credit.

~Sigh~ Useless Annie...it's useless.

Olivia is taking me to a party next week after the football game. I get to spend time with Richard...

DAMMIT! How can you get someone out of your head?

I can hear you calling Dad, but I don't want to come. Dad? Up here! That's funny, he doesn't hear me at all. Yet, I can can hear him clear as day. I can hear them all down there, gathered around my body-Dad and Dr. Carson and the nurses. I can look down on them like I was looking at a movie, but even if they were to look up from where I see all this, they wouldn't see me.

They think I'm still down there, lying on that hospital bed with my legs broken and my skull fractured. They didn't see me leave.

I don't feel any pain. I haven't since I left my body behind. I felt myself drift gently, up off the bed and toward the ceiling. Above me, still farther away, there's a bright light. It's brighter than a dozen spotlights, and that's where I want to be.

There are people there, beyond that light. I can't make out their faces, but I can sense that they are kind people, loving people, and they want me, of all people, to join them. They'll take care of me and help me. I'll be happy with them.

I want to float now, to go into the light and join the others, but I'm held here, in limbo, just below the ceiling.

I know what holds me here. It's Dad. The look on his face is terrible. The look of grief. I've only seen it once before-the day Mom died. I wonder if Mom looked down on us that day and saw us as I see all this.

How can I do this to him? How can I allow myself to float on, into the happy light, knowing perfectly well that he'll crumble?

I wish there was a way to tell him about the light and the happy people and the vibrations of love and peace. Then he wouldn't have that look on his face. He'd smile.

Dad! I love you Dad, but I'll be happier where I'm going. I'll be safe and...he's crying. Oh, God. My father is crying. For me. He's calling my name.

~Shields eye from the bright light~ I want to come to you kind people. Someday, I will come and gladly. but right now...right now, I'm still needed down below. I hope you understand. Dad...I'm coming back okay?

"Did you hear about the kid who cut his wrists at school and they took him to the hospital?" Brandi asked.

"Because his girlfriend broke up with him?" Tom asked.

"Yeah."

"What kind of fag would slit their wrists?"

"Me." I said calmly.

"What?! What if you went too deep?" Brandi asked.

"Look at me Brandi, look at me! Am I dead?!"

"But..."

"AM I DEAD?!" I yelled.

"No..."

"No, I'm not." I got up and stormed away.

Okay, so I cut my wrists today. I really gotta stop. I went into the audiotorium after lunch, for no reason really and I see Lee, a minor crush sitting in the last row, writing.

"Are you okay?" I ask, leaning down next to his chair.

"Yeah. Are you?" He asked.

"Yes, but you shouldn't care." I said.

"That's kind of rude." He said.

"Well come on. I'm not that important, but thanks for caring."

Amber entered with Kellen. I'm beginning to think that Amber is becoming a bit of a slut.

"Enter Amber stage left." I looked at Lee. "That's my cue to leave."

Well if that doesn't happen to you, you're just not me, that's all. That's just how I think and act. I got my school pictures back today, not expecting much at all. I mean, I was at band camp for about 8 hours for that day, and had been at band camp for a week and a half previously, so you can imagine how sunburnt I was. I didn't have a comb, so I brushed my hair with one of those buzz-cut razor guard things. By the time I got to school to get my picture taken, my hair had dried, making it's afro appearence I'm much too familiar with.

I wasn't expecting much. I didn't even expect my picture to be better than last year's, but CHRIST! I was expecting more than THAT! I have burn lines on my chest, my face is bright red, my hair is afro-ing, and the blue back ground brings out the color of my shirt too much, so my head is tiny in comparison to my body.

Ah fuck who cares. No one except family will see it...god as my witness.

I want to go and live in North Carolina for a week or so. A hurricane...how much fun! I'm very interested in weather, and I hope to be a meteorologist when I grow up.

Our marching band's first marching game is this Friday. I'm pretty excited. I don't know why though. Probably because it's our first game. I want to play my piccolo so much more than my flute. It's just irritating my lately.

Okay...well I'm gonna leave and go write my story. Fare thee well.

Why do your kisses hurt if I want them so badly?
Why do I ache, when you're holding me tight?
Why do I feel my heart break when you smile?
Why do I break down every night?
Isn't everything perfect?
Isn't everything great?
No, everything is oppisite,
But damn it, that's just fate.
My mind travels back so far,
But it seems like yesterday,
Things came out so negative,
And now there's so much to say.
Please go back to what we had,
So many called it love,
Step away for just a moment,
From all this push and shove.
Now hold me like I knew so well
Just pretend like it is true,
Then whisper almost meaningfully,
"I really love you too."
Pull me close and on your chest,
Is where I rest my head,
But will this really happen?
Do you really want me dead?
I dream it all and it floats away,
Then comes realization and pain,
And everything comes back,
And loving you is still in vain.
I like better in my dreams,
With the hugs and kisses too,
I know you will never love me,
But in my dreams you do.

Stephanie Jones
12:13 am September 13, 2003

Dedicated: The first, and the last time I state your name in this blog...one; Mr. Alex Anderson, him, the person I feel I could never live without.

I need to make this as short and quick as possible, because I'm home for lunch, and I need to head back in 15 minutes.

I kinda feel wierd leaving everyone back at school while I hop on my bike quicker than lightning and pedal home so fast it'd make your head spin. I'd invite lots of people, but there's two problems with that. With a group of peopl and walking, it takes ten minutes to get to my house. That means we'd have about 10 minutes at my house before we'd all have to go back. I get to my house in about 3 while biking.

You know who I want over here the very most? My, what a silly question. Everyone who reads this knows who I want to go with me everywhere! One day, I'm gonna drag him here...no matter what!

Christ...I am so very ready for 50 degree days. I'm tired of this 80 degree and sunny shit everyday. I'd even be game for 70's, but it doesn't happen. It sucks the very most when you're outside ad MARCHING everyday in this weather. You get hot really quickly. It's just a pain in the ass.

I dunno what to write…

I remember when I experienced my first death. I was in the third grade, and a kid named Joey killed himself. By accident of course, 5th graders don’t kill themselves on purpose. He was home alone and was playing cowboys and Indians and he hung himself with the belt of his bathrobe.

My second death is clear as day too. I was in the 7th grade and she was in 8th, and her name was Sarah. She went into cardiac arrest in the middle of the hallway after she had a seizure. That was 4 days after my birthday. That was the saddest death of them all.

My third, was last year, a few weeks before I started this blog. Her name was Amy. She was new to the Junior High, and didn’t have many friends, and was in 8th grade too. Coincidently, I had cut my wrists the night she had died, and I showed up the next day wearing all black. Everyone swore I was a gothic, but I said I was in mourning. That was a lie….

Why am I on such a morbid topic? I was watching the news and a 7-year-old boy died in a fire. It just reminded me of Joey.

This town…it’s so weird. Everyone wants to help everyone else, but they’re all so rude! Take today for example. Today was called ‘Day of Caring’, and our marching band, including myself, played at the mall for the conference. Everyone was so lovey-dovey to everyone’s face, but I saw so many people turn around and roll their eyes.

I’d like to quote a comedian named Denis Leary.

“And I know that's a cliche, that you change when you've got a kid. I also know it's the big fashion thing of the Nineties. "Here's my kid. He matches my couch."”

I’m carrying a picture of Max and Little Sister everywhere I go anymore.

I should think about what I want to be for Halloween. Well I know what I want to be. There are lots of things I want to be. An exchange student, his girlfriend, a good student, beautiful, thin…. But that’s not costume wise. I was a Geisha last year, and I still have my kimono. It’s beautiful. Maybe I should do that again.

Anyway… fare thee well.

Ichi - "That one with wisdom"
Sponsored by www.life-blood.cjb.net


What would your Japanese name be? (female)
brought to you by Quizilla

He left with Amber for lunch.

I sat in his empty seat, with my cup of diet coke, staring at a spot on the table.

“Where did he go?” Brandi asked.

“Out,” I said not removing my eyes from the spot on a table, “with Amber.”

“Oh.” Brandi says. “Are you okay with that?”

I look up at her, then to everyone around the table. Brandi, to Tom, to Mikey, to Toni, to Brandi’s friend….

“Not really.” I look down again and pull the straw in and out of the top. “It’s so stupid and selfish and ignorant, but I still like him. I want to be his girlfriend again so badly, it’s like a constant ache.”

“Why don’t you tell him?” Tom asked.

“He knows.”

“How would he know?”

“Let’s just say that we were doing something and I started crying and I said it was because I missed what we had.”

“He needs to be told stuff. You’re a subtle person for the most part. He’s not. He needs to be told to be sure.” Tom said.

I sighed and got up from the table. I was extremely early for Theater Arts.

Amber, on the other hand was very late, and showed up with her uneaten lunch.

“Where did you guys go?” I asked her non-chalantly.

“Cuppa Joe’s. We just got sandwiches.”

Now that’s peculiar, because Cuppa Joe is just down the street. It’s about a 5 minute walk and unless Cuppa Joe was busy (which it isn’t, it’s a takeout deli type thing with coffee and pre-made sandwiches that’s only busy on weekends) they could have easily eaten it there or eaten it at school and still be back at school on time. We have 45 minutes for lunch for chrissake!

I’m probably being so anal retentive, but god, I’m feeling like such a reject! I want him to hold me, and love me, and…ugh! I want him! I want to be with him! I want to be his world! I want to shake him and tell him that I love him and he just doesn’t get it….

Meri asked me why I looked so scared. I told her that I was worried about the guy I liked. She passed me a note and asked who it was.

Meri-Chan,

It’s obvious, right? I mean, who else would it be? ^_^* Anyway, what’s up? I’m pretty excited about Brandi’s party. You wanna help me DJ? Later.

Stephanie

P.S. If you need a hint, I’m worried about Amber.

Christ, I’ve written about 1 and ¾ of a page. I’m leaving you here.

I’m having nightmarish type visions. These visions will jerk me out of the most sounds sleep. But when I wake up, I can’t remember them

I’ll wake up and all my muscles are seized up and in a lot of pain and my clothes are wet from a cold sweat. So you can imagine the next morning it feels like I’ve gotten zero sleep at all.

I…apologized to Princess Meri on Friday. Of course, I’m too much of a pussy to say: “It’s all my fault. You didn’t tell me something, big deal. Please forgive me. I want to be friends again.” So what do you think I did? What else do I do with my life? I write.

Meri,

Damn, this is gonna be difficult to write. Have you notice how I can’t really look you in the face for too long? That’s shame.

It’s been a long year, filled with evil shit I’ve said and done. This whole stupid grudge was because of him.

And you know how I look at it now? Big deal. You didn’t tell me something, big fucking deal.

I have to write this on paper because I’m just too shy to say it outloud. I’m sorry. I want your forgiveness. I want to go back to the way things were when we were friends and we didn’t fight...as much.... Anyway, I don’t expect us to be great friends again, not like you and Rini (though I wouldn’t mind).

Just please, accept this apology and let’s make all this stupid shit stop.

Peace, Love, Happiness,
Stephanie

And she responded today….

Stephanie,

Hi, I haven’t said hi to you in a while…Yes, I have noticed your disliking-ness towards me. It’s sad to think of the reason all of this started, I mean c’mon, it was him! -_- Truthfully, I was upset to lose a friend like you. I won’t lie, you weren’t and still aren’t an easy person to get along with sometimes, but still you are a good friend.

As far as forgiveness goes, what’s to forgive? lol I can understand being upset about what happened, I would have been too (not for as long as you, but that’s the way I am). I’m kind of the person who just shrugs things off (like the toilet water thing [Me: SHE’S KNOWS?! OH HOW TERRIBLY MORTIFYING!] but that was really funny. I’m used to crap like that pulled on me :-)) But if you must hear it…I forgive you. ^_~ I would really like to be friends again, things were more fun that way. Oh yeah, I have like, NO romantic/any interest in him so uh…if you still….uh…yeah, just go ahead not a problem anymore. (Though I know you could find someone much more…not him…) lol. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a nice guy, he’s just…him…. Anyway, let’s just go back to the good ol’ times!

Meri

P.S. He just seems more like a brother to me….

It’s the most amazing feeling. I got all my friends back I lost on that hell of a night in October of last year. And even better still, she supports him and I. And the better yet, she said I could get better than him. But the best of all, is that Princess Meri, is no longer Princess Meri. She is just plain and simple Meri or Meredith, my friend.

“And suddenly it seems like my shoulder blades have just shifted.
It's like the greatest gift you could get.
The weight has been lifted.”

‘Hailie’s Song’
Eminem

Full is the world of shallow, petty people and dear lord, here starts another school year. As a freshman, I was on top on my school. Okay, not as far as social status goes. 7th, 8th, and 9th were one school and 10th, 11th, and 12th were another. Bottom of the totem pole, lower than the dirt. Being pushed around is getting really old really fast.

We had a pep assembly today and guess who was in the pep band? We did fine, but I really wanted to be sitting with him and Fuka and shouting obscene things at the cheerleaders. I don't want to play this game called life anymore. Game over. I'm done.

But I can't be done. It doesn't work like that, much to my avail.

I mean, what kind of girl cries after she's done fooling around with the guy she loves more than anything in the world and is lying in his arms. I started crying when I felt his tongue on mine, and remembered the same taste from so long ago, the same soft touch, the same way I can forget to breathe when I'm with him.

He pulled away. "Are you crying?"

I shook my head and kissed him passionately, which he probably mistook for lust.

He saw me wipe away my tears. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"I miss this so much. I miss being with you." I said quietly.

We lay there for a few more minutes in silence then he decides we should leave.

Of all the things I miss the most, it's not my sanity, it's him.