"'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away.
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today.
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right.
And though I can’t be with you tonight,
And know my heart is by your side.
I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I could have stayed in your arms?"
'If You're Not The One"
Daniel Bedingfeld
You'd be surprised who it's to. No, it's not you, Rick. I had a dream last night....
Goodbye. I really hope.
5.30.2003
I met Rick in the sixth grade. Halfway through the year, we were told (our class I mean) that he was moving here from Battle Creek and he might be unhappy, so make him feel welcome. I met him the next day. I had expected a blonde with dullish blue eyes, straight teeth, skinny as a rail, short, and kind of a punk. Nevertheless, he’d be nice.
Rick had brown hair; clear and bright blue eyes, rather crooked teeth, a little chunky, tall and kind of a geek. He was snide, and rather rude, especially to my first boyfriend and I. He'd get busted for talking back to the teachers and reading his books in class.
He came two months later and they seemed to get along wonderfully. I have a scrapbook with pictures of people in the 6th grade. There were about 5 pictures that weren't with both of them together. I began to take an interest in him and started trying everything to hang out with them both. This destroyed the little relationship I had with Rick. In the 7th grade I didn’t see him, and I was pretty happy.
I started going out with him in January of my 7th grade year, and Rick came to East (my school) in late February. I remember walking into the main office, seeing him standing in his infamous red coat and his backpack. He had also acquired braces. We must have stared at each other for a good 2 minutes.
“Welcome to East Junior High, Ricky.” I say and run back to my science class.
Over the summer, he trimmed down and was no longer nearly as big as he had been. He must have grown about two inches as well. His braces were finally doing the trick too. He was becoming…well…almost attractive.
We were in each other’s band class for the first half of the year. We talked and could finally have a conversation without it ending it scowls or screams. More often than not, we would actually laugh together. I started feeling…something.
At farewell, he approached me with a red rose and said it was for me. He was smiling shyly. I was shocked. I still have it. I decided to dry it. It’s hanging upside-down in my room, laced with ribbons and the other two roses I had received. I felt crush-like feelings.
I went to the high school today to listen to the band. All ninth graders in band went, so naturally, Rick would be there. I sat next to Kyle and saw Rick sitting on top of the back seat. “Ah! Kyle let me out!” I said excitedly. “I’m gonna sit by Rick.”
Kyle let me out and I sat by Rick. He’s interested in joining the Navy, and today he had a list of handy sayings in French and Portuguese for those in the Navy. I looked at them. I found them extremely interesting.
We went to listen to the high school band. We never separated. We spent the whole time together. We laughed at everything we said to each other and watched in amazement as his friend Ryan shoveling down 13 hotdogs in a row (NO LIE! This was a-m-a-z-i-n-g!!!). Way more twinges of affection.
We got back on the bus an hour and a half later. He began looking at the list again.
“Vous sortirez avec moi?” He asked me.
“Huh?” I asked. “Oh, I take Spanish.”
“N-nevermind.” he said.
I took the list curiously, thinking that he looked at it to get what he had said. I read it, looking for a French sentence that started with a ‘v’. I found one. It translated to ‘will you go out with me?’.
“Rick?” I asked him. “Did you just…?” I trailed off and pointed to the sentence on the paper.
“Yeah.”
I was shocked, but extremely happy. This makes the fourth confession this week.
“Okay.” I said.
I have a boyfriend. My first in a year. If he found out, I swear he’d have a fucking cow. Is there any real way to break it to him easily? I’m expecting the same kind of reaction from him when I told Rick that that I was going out with him. Nasty little surprise that was. He seemed really pissed.
Yeah Zavy, it seems spur of the moment. There weren’t any ‘warning signs’. Don’t lecture me okay? I’m happy for god sake! Isn’t that what you wanted?! You have Caitlin, and I don't want to wait for you.
Rick had brown hair; clear and bright blue eyes, rather crooked teeth, a little chunky, tall and kind of a geek. He was snide, and rather rude, especially to my first boyfriend and I. He'd get busted for talking back to the teachers and reading his books in class.
He came two months later and they seemed to get along wonderfully. I have a scrapbook with pictures of people in the 6th grade. There were about 5 pictures that weren't with both of them together. I began to take an interest in him and started trying everything to hang out with them both. This destroyed the little relationship I had with Rick. In the 7th grade I didn’t see him, and I was pretty happy.
I started going out with him in January of my 7th grade year, and Rick came to East (my school) in late February. I remember walking into the main office, seeing him standing in his infamous red coat and his backpack. He had also acquired braces. We must have stared at each other for a good 2 minutes.
“Welcome to East Junior High, Ricky.” I say and run back to my science class.
Over the summer, he trimmed down and was no longer nearly as big as he had been. He must have grown about two inches as well. His braces were finally doing the trick too. He was becoming…well…almost attractive.
We were in each other’s band class for the first half of the year. We talked and could finally have a conversation without it ending it scowls or screams. More often than not, we would actually laugh together. I started feeling…something.
At farewell, he approached me with a red rose and said it was for me. He was smiling shyly. I was shocked. I still have it. I decided to dry it. It’s hanging upside-down in my room, laced with ribbons and the other two roses I had received. I felt crush-like feelings.
I went to the high school today to listen to the band. All ninth graders in band went, so naturally, Rick would be there. I sat next to Kyle and saw Rick sitting on top of the back seat. “Ah! Kyle let me out!” I said excitedly. “I’m gonna sit by Rick.”
Kyle let me out and I sat by Rick. He’s interested in joining the Navy, and today he had a list of handy sayings in French and Portuguese for those in the Navy. I looked at them. I found them extremely interesting.
We went to listen to the high school band. We never separated. We spent the whole time together. We laughed at everything we said to each other and watched in amazement as his friend Ryan shoveling down 13 hotdogs in a row (NO LIE! This was a-m-a-z-i-n-g!!!). Way more twinges of affection.
We got back on the bus an hour and a half later. He began looking at the list again.
“Vous sortirez avec moi?” He asked me.
“Huh?” I asked. “Oh, I take Spanish.”
“N-nevermind.” he said.
I took the list curiously, thinking that he looked at it to get what he had said. I read it, looking for a French sentence that started with a ‘v’. I found one. It translated to ‘will you go out with me?’.
“Rick?” I asked him. “Did you just…?” I trailed off and pointed to the sentence on the paper.
“Yeah.”
I was shocked, but extremely happy. This makes the fourth confession this week.
“Okay.” I said.
I have a boyfriend. My first in a year. If he found out, I swear he’d have a fucking cow. Is there any real way to break it to him easily? I’m expecting the same kind of reaction from him when I told Rick that that I was going out with him. Nasty little surprise that was. He seemed really pissed.
Yeah Zavy, it seems spur of the moment. There weren’t any ‘warning signs’. Don’t lecture me okay? I’m happy for god sake! Isn’t that what you wanted?! You have Caitlin, and I don't want to wait for you.
5.27.2003
I’m sorely confused. I’ve had 3 confessions on love this week (okay…not exactly love, take it down a few notches), and one is Bryan. He said he missed me a lot. He said he wanted to try again. I can never really say no to him, which scares me for many reasons. One is I don’t want Bryan to be my first sex. And he is one horny son of a bitch. Second, I don’t want to go out with him anymore. Three, I really want a boyfriend, but like I said, I can never say no to him. He acted this way the last time he asked me out. He’s gonna do it again. I know he is. Bryan is like my favorite book; I’ve nearly memorized it. Not a good example...he never was my favorite boyfriend. That was him. He knew me too well not to be my favorite. (More than one way. Heh...)
So I finally got Colt to admit he liked me today in Biology. He came up behind me and started playing with my hair. (I love it when people play with my hair! [This will sounds gross…] It’s feels good. :-P)
“I know, Colt. Just admit it. There’s no shame in it.” I said.
“Admit what?” He asked.
“You like me.” Katrina immediately stopped talking to Kendall and Stacy and looked at Colt with a huge smile on her face. I winked at her.
“Uh…as a friend.” He said relatively confidently.
“Honey,” I said grabbing his wrist. “You do. I know you do, and it’d go a whole lot easier for you if you’d just admit it. You fucking sat in my seat when I was in Mackinaw City with my mom on Thursday and Friday. You know I won’t leave you alone until you admit it. You know that, so just admit it.”
He didn’t say anything. “You do, Colt! You told me so!” Katrina blurted out.
“Then I must have been smoking something!” Colt said angrily.
“Sweetheart, you don’t smoke.” I say.
“Shut up!”
“Say it.” I said to him.
Silence. “I like you, Stephanie. Happy?” He said, shook loose from my grasp and sat behind me.
I’m such a bitch. I really pissed him off. But at least I know indefinitely. Now, am I going to act on it? Nah. I can’t see myself with him. I know! It’s so mean! To pull all that shit on him and then not even ask him out. But three confessions in the last week…I have a pick.
My ear is doing better than it was a few nights ago. It was pretty nasty. It got swollen with pus and I put some fish wire because it’s clear and it’s not easily seen, so my parents wouldn’t see it. The infection of whatever it was went away. It’s a little sore, but that’s most.
It’s a new day, but it all feels old.
It’s a good life; that’s what I'm told.
But everything it all just feels the same
And my high school: it felt more to me
Like a jail cell, a penitentiary.
My time spent there it only made me see
That I don’t ever wanna be like you.
-Good Charlotte
“Anthem”
So I finally got Colt to admit he liked me today in Biology. He came up behind me and started playing with my hair. (I love it when people play with my hair! [This will sounds gross…] It’s feels good. :-P)
“I know, Colt. Just admit it. There’s no shame in it.” I said.
“Admit what?” He asked.
“You like me.” Katrina immediately stopped talking to Kendall and Stacy and looked at Colt with a huge smile on her face. I winked at her.
“Uh…as a friend.” He said relatively confidently.
“Honey,” I said grabbing his wrist. “You do. I know you do, and it’d go a whole lot easier for you if you’d just admit it. You fucking sat in my seat when I was in Mackinaw City with my mom on Thursday and Friday. You know I won’t leave you alone until you admit it. You know that, so just admit it.”
He didn’t say anything. “You do, Colt! You told me so!” Katrina blurted out.
“Then I must have been smoking something!” Colt said angrily.
“Sweetheart, you don’t smoke.” I say.
“Shut up!”
“Say it.” I said to him.
Silence. “I like you, Stephanie. Happy?” He said, shook loose from my grasp and sat behind me.
I’m such a bitch. I really pissed him off. But at least I know indefinitely. Now, am I going to act on it? Nah. I can’t see myself with him. I know! It’s so mean! To pull all that shit on him and then not even ask him out. But three confessions in the last week…I have a pick.
My ear is doing better than it was a few nights ago. It was pretty nasty. It got swollen with pus and I put some fish wire because it’s clear and it’s not easily seen, so my parents wouldn’t see it. The infection of whatever it was went away. It’s a little sore, but that’s most.
It’s a new day, but it all feels old.
It’s a good life; that’s what I'm told.
But everything it all just feels the same
And my high school: it felt more to me
Like a jail cell, a penitentiary.
My time spent there it only made me see
That I don’t ever wanna be like you.
-Good Charlotte
“Anthem”
5.25.2003
I have no idea why I did it, but I put a safety pin in my existing left ear lob hole, and decided I wasn't going to wait until I was 18 to start my right ear and going all the way up. I sterilized the pin and started pushing. It wasn't painful and it took about 5 minutes total.It's croocked, but I think I'll take it out on Tuesday. I just wanna show a few people at school.
Good night.
Good night.
5.24.2003
Hey Zavy my love,
Sorry I haven't been at school, but Mom suddenly decided to take me to the doctor a few days ago. I wrote this note on Friday, and didn't have any other way to get it to you. Did I miss much when I was gone?
I really hope your not so down anymore. You remember what you told me, right? You told me all those people that love me. Trust me, your family loves you, your friends love you, and I will always love you too.
You ever read 'Oh The Places You Will Go'? Yes, it is a Dr. Seuss book, but read it when you feel down. I've personally never read it, so I guess that makes me sort of a hypocrite. I was told to read it by my uncle, who, like you, is interested in psychology. He said you would find yourself on one of those pages.
Allow me to quote a song that holds many truths.
'Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve and algebra problem by chewing bubble gum (Ms. Brian would agree!). The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 a.m. on an idle Tuesday.... Remember the compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.... Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll get divorced at 40, maybe you'll dance the 'funky chicken' on your 75th wedding anniversary.... Dance. Even if there is nowhere else to do it other than your own living room.... Understand that friends come and go, but with the precious few you should hold onto. Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you have a wealthy spouse, and you'll never know when either might run out.'
I know you said you, in a way, envied Colt and Tavis for receiving most of my affection. They don't because truthfully love, you do. Not an easy thing to admit, especially thinking that I may further confuse and frustrate you. That's not what I am aiming to do. I know you're concerned with friends, with Caitlin, with life. Shit happens. But sweetheart, life is beautiful. You'll make it through, and if you ever doubt you can, I'm here. Don't hesitate to call on me.
You've been trying to make me better. Give me advice, and gave me how you're able to get into that 'bubble' you have. It's been almost a week, and from the looks of everything I've seen...
You did it.
Sorry I haven't been at school, but Mom suddenly decided to take me to the doctor a few days ago. I wrote this note on Friday, and didn't have any other way to get it to you. Did I miss much when I was gone?
I really hope your not so down anymore. You remember what you told me, right? You told me all those people that love me. Trust me, your family loves you, your friends love you, and I will always love you too.
You ever read 'Oh The Places You Will Go'? Yes, it is a Dr. Seuss book, but read it when you feel down. I've personally never read it, so I guess that makes me sort of a hypocrite. I was told to read it by my uncle, who, like you, is interested in psychology. He said you would find yourself on one of those pages.
Allow me to quote a song that holds many truths.
'Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve and algebra problem by chewing bubble gum (Ms. Brian would agree!). The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 a.m. on an idle Tuesday.... Remember the compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.... Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll get divorced at 40, maybe you'll dance the 'funky chicken' on your 75th wedding anniversary.... Dance. Even if there is nowhere else to do it other than your own living room.... Understand that friends come and go, but with the precious few you should hold onto. Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you have a wealthy spouse, and you'll never know when either might run out.'
I know you said you, in a way, envied Colt and Tavis for receiving most of my affection. They don't because truthfully love, you do. Not an easy thing to admit, especially thinking that I may further confuse and frustrate you. That's not what I am aiming to do. I know you're concerned with friends, with Caitlin, with life. Shit happens. But sweetheart, life is beautiful. You'll make it through, and if you ever doubt you can, I'm here. Don't hesitate to call on me.
You've been trying to make me better. Give me advice, and gave me how you're able to get into that 'bubble' you have. It's been almost a week, and from the looks of everything I've seen...
You did it.
So the final diagnosis is Bronchitis. (After my fourth week of coughing up flem and other nasty things, Mum decided to take me to the doc. Gee, thanks.) I didn't get the codine/morphiene cough medicine, which sucks. I love that stuff. It knocks me flat on my ass and I sleep for hours after taking it. I really want to go sleep, but I don't think I could.
About two weeks ago, Jocelyn, a girl at my table (Punk turned prep. It destroys me from the inside.) asked if I could hang out with the group this summer. "Last summer we didn't want you there, but it might be different this year."
That sent a spear through my heart. It all starts with Prevo's; last years' summer job.
I was vacuuming the carpet by the bottle return and Sue, his mom, walks in. She sees me, smiles, and gives me a huge hug.
"I've missed ya!" She said.
"I've missed you too!" I said back, smiling widely.
"Hey listen, when you get off your shift, you should call the gang. They're all hanging out at the open space to celebrate Cherry Festival. They're at one of those free concerts and entertainment things. He actually said he wanted to see you this morning." She said. "Call his cell. You remember the
number, right?"
"Yeah." I recite it.
"Good." She smiled. "I really hope to see you sooner than another 6 months, Steph. Behave yourself and I'll catch you later."
I bid my farewell and felt my heart get heavy. Before talking to Sue, I was entirely over him. Sue is one of my favorite people in the world. And knowing that I might not see her again, maybe ever, made me have a complete rush of emotions toward him. Excitement, happiness, despair, confusion, love....
When I got off work, it was about 8 pm. a half an hour from when I talked with Sue. I sped home (I have a moped that I use to get to work. It's a hunk of junk, but I couldn't even think of parting with it.), changed my clothes, and called his cell phone.
"Hey Steph." He answered. Ahh, so I guess his caller ID works again.
"Hey! Mom said you wanted to see me." (When we were going out, I always called Sue 'mom'. I felt way more of a connection with her than with my own mother.)
"Yeah." He said. God was it loud in the background.
"Well I'm finally off work. Can I meet you somewhere?" During the previous weeks, a few member of our group called me up and tried to make plans with me. I was entirely booked with work.
"What?" He says to someone in the background. "Oh Darryl wants to talk to you."
"Uh, sure."
Darryl got on and I asked how he was doing. He said fine. "Can I meet you guys somewhere?" I ask.
"No." Darryl said. Darryl is known to joke a lot, but there was nothing joking about his tone of voice.
"Huh? What do you mean?"
"We don't want to meet you anywhere." He said.
I was quiet for a second. It was starting to dawn on me. "We don't want you here." He said.
I went absolutely silent for a good two minutes. I managed to say something stupid (which I can't remember, my emotions were too high) and hung up the phone. I cried for hours on end. When I was done, my eyes were too swollen to get my contacts out, and I could barely breathe.
For the first time, I cut my wrists that night.
About two weeks ago, Jocelyn, a girl at my table (Punk turned prep. It destroys me from the inside.) asked if I could hang out with the group this summer. "Last summer we didn't want you there, but it might be different this year."
That sent a spear through my heart. It all starts with Prevo's; last years' summer job.
I was vacuuming the carpet by the bottle return and Sue, his mom, walks in. She sees me, smiles, and gives me a huge hug.
"I've missed ya!" She said.
"I've missed you too!" I said back, smiling widely.
"Hey listen, when you get off your shift, you should call the gang. They're all hanging out at the open space to celebrate Cherry Festival. They're at one of those free concerts and entertainment things. He actually said he wanted to see you this morning." She said. "Call his cell. You remember the
number, right?"
"Yeah." I recite it.
"Good." She smiled. "I really hope to see you sooner than another 6 months, Steph. Behave yourself and I'll catch you later."
I bid my farewell and felt my heart get heavy. Before talking to Sue, I was entirely over him. Sue is one of my favorite people in the world. And knowing that I might not see her again, maybe ever, made me have a complete rush of emotions toward him. Excitement, happiness, despair, confusion, love....
When I got off work, it was about 8 pm. a half an hour from when I talked with Sue. I sped home (I have a moped that I use to get to work. It's a hunk of junk, but I couldn't even think of parting with it.), changed my clothes, and called his cell phone.
"Hey Steph." He answered. Ahh, so I guess his caller ID works again.
"Hey! Mom said you wanted to see me." (When we were going out, I always called Sue 'mom'. I felt way more of a connection with her than with my own mother.)
"Yeah." He said. God was it loud in the background.
"Well I'm finally off work. Can I meet you somewhere?" During the previous weeks, a few member of our group called me up and tried to make plans with me. I was entirely booked with work.
"What?" He says to someone in the background. "Oh Darryl wants to talk to you."
"Uh, sure."
Darryl got on and I asked how he was doing. He said fine. "Can I meet you guys somewhere?" I ask.
"No." Darryl said. Darryl is known to joke a lot, but there was nothing joking about his tone of voice.
"Huh? What do you mean?"
"We don't want to meet you anywhere." He said.
I was quiet for a second. It was starting to dawn on me. "We don't want you here." He said.
I went absolutely silent for a good two minutes. I managed to say something stupid (which I can't remember, my emotions were too high) and hung up the phone. I cried for hours on end. When I was done, my eyes were too swollen to get my contacts out, and I could barely breathe.
For the first time, I cut my wrists that night.
5.23.2003
It was bound to happen. I'm surprised that it took this long, really. It's like it was written out in the stars. I've fallen for Zavy. I haven't had a blushing, smile sweetly, giggle when talking about it kind of crush since him. It's kind of nice to feel.
I know it's a definate one way thing. He has a girlfriend, who, like myself, cuts herself. I really want to be with him. I know that I'd be overjoyed with him, but Caitlin (his girlfriend) can't be hurt. I couldn't live with myself if she were hurt by me or someone else.
Zavy has been acting really confused and depressed lately. It's almost as if I rubbed off on him and he's become like me. He's normally so happy! He explains it as living in a bubble, and everything inside that bubble is happy. Is it possible that I said something to pop the bubble and suddenly all the shit I see in life totally shocked him and got him down? God...I really hope not.
He wrote me letters on some photos of the play he gave me. I keep them in my diary.
He gave me his number.
I stared at it for a long time. 'Phone number? Wait, his phone number?! What am I supposed to do?' I thought.
So I asked the person that knows best about relationships that I know, Miss Katrina Graves. She said I need to call him, and not to be nervous because we're good friends already.
But to call Zavy? Sure, I mean he is one of my best friends in the world, but he must be the best known guy in the 9th grade. I'm not a loser, but I'm not anyone overly important in the whole scheme of things. I have friends, but to the school, I'm like a shadow. A filler for space if you will.
Besides, what would I say? I'm usually cool about the phone, but I'm afraid I'll go say something stupid or try to be someone I'm not. I'm a good actress, but I can't keep up an act to be someone I'm not for the rest of my life. True, I've wanted to call him and spend time with him more than we already have been, but the internet is convienient I guess. I can always backspace my errors.
Men are facinating creatures. I remember calling him for the first time after giving me his number, and he asked me why I was calling.
"You told me to..." I said.
DAMMIT! HE SCARRED ME FOR LIFE!
I know it's a definate one way thing. He has a girlfriend, who, like myself, cuts herself. I really want to be with him. I know that I'd be overjoyed with him, but Caitlin (his girlfriend) can't be hurt. I couldn't live with myself if she were hurt by me or someone else.
Zavy has been acting really confused and depressed lately. It's almost as if I rubbed off on him and he's become like me. He's normally so happy! He explains it as living in a bubble, and everything inside that bubble is happy. Is it possible that I said something to pop the bubble and suddenly all the shit I see in life totally shocked him and got him down? God...I really hope not.
He wrote me letters on some photos of the play he gave me. I keep them in my diary.
He gave me his number.
I stared at it for a long time. 'Phone number? Wait, his phone number?! What am I supposed to do?' I thought.
So I asked the person that knows best about relationships that I know, Miss Katrina Graves. She said I need to call him, and not to be nervous because we're good friends already.
But to call Zavy? Sure, I mean he is one of my best friends in the world, but he must be the best known guy in the 9th grade. I'm not a loser, but I'm not anyone overly important in the whole scheme of things. I have friends, but to the school, I'm like a shadow. A filler for space if you will.
Besides, what would I say? I'm usually cool about the phone, but I'm afraid I'll go say something stupid or try to be someone I'm not. I'm a good actress, but I can't keep up an act to be someone I'm not for the rest of my life. True, I've wanted to call him and spend time with him more than we already have been, but the internet is convienient I guess. I can always backspace my errors.
Men are facinating creatures. I remember calling him for the first time after giving me his number, and he asked me why I was calling.
"You told me to..." I said.
DAMMIT! HE SCARRED ME FOR LIFE!
5.19.2003
At Farewell, I can't believe how happy I was. Forget cloud 9, I was on 11. I actually suspected I had built up myself a boyfriend.
No. No, I had imagined it all. When I went to the cast/crew party yesterday I felt as if Zavy was avoiding me. I must admit that I was afraid things was a little wierd between us (I personally felt a little uncomfortable). I don't want to cling to him, but he's really like my safe haven. I can trust him with anything. I used to be able to do that with him, and it breaks my heart to think that I'm afraid he'll reject me. He's my best friend, why am I so afraid he'll hurt me? (physically and emotionally)
What am I supposed to expect with Zavy anyway? I got my hopes up, and now I'll pay a dear, dear price.
It's like I want a boyfriend so badly I've developed a kind of hallucination. It’s not like every guy I meet is attracted to me, and eligible. The guys at school are, for the most part, absolute and total scum. I’d rather have the sweetest, kindest and perfect boyfriend for me that wasn’t attractive in the least than a shallow, conceited bastard that is sexy beyond all belief.
I’ve been thinking about Bryan. We were two kids. Two kids in band whom were lost and confused in life. I was incredibly depressed and he was coping with a tough divorce and custody arrangements.
He smiled at me; I smiled back. Eventually he’d kick my chair and wink. We began to pass notes (a nearly impossible task because I sat front and center in relation to the conductor), and he asked for my number. He called me that night and two weeks later, we were going out.
We were just two kids, confused and wanting more than we already had. Nothing more.
And even though I miss Bryan on occasion, life is really much easier without him.
No. No, I had imagined it all. When I went to the cast/crew party yesterday I felt as if Zavy was avoiding me. I must admit that I was afraid things was a little wierd between us (I personally felt a little uncomfortable). I don't want to cling to him, but he's really like my safe haven. I can trust him with anything. I used to be able to do that with him, and it breaks my heart to think that I'm afraid he'll reject me. He's my best friend, why am I so afraid he'll hurt me? (physically and emotionally)
What am I supposed to expect with Zavy anyway? I got my hopes up, and now I'll pay a dear, dear price.
It's like I want a boyfriend so badly I've developed a kind of hallucination. It’s not like every guy I meet is attracted to me, and eligible. The guys at school are, for the most part, absolute and total scum. I’d rather have the sweetest, kindest and perfect boyfriend for me that wasn’t attractive in the least than a shallow, conceited bastard that is sexy beyond all belief.
I’ve been thinking about Bryan. We were two kids. Two kids in band whom were lost and confused in life. I was incredibly depressed and he was coping with a tough divorce and custody arrangements.
He smiled at me; I smiled back. Eventually he’d kick my chair and wink. We began to pass notes (a nearly impossible task because I sat front and center in relation to the conductor), and he asked for my number. He called me that night and two weeks later, we were going out.
We were just two kids, confused and wanting more than we already had. Nothing more.
And even though I miss Bryan on occasion, life is really much easier without him.
5.16.2003
I just got back from Farewell and it was great! I had a wonderful time and Zavy kissed me again. I counted 4, but there probably was more.
Within the first half hour, everyone was talking and coming up to Zavy, hugging him, taking pictures...blah blah blah. I kept smiling and thought, 'what have I gotten myself into?'
Katrina, Stacy, Kendall and I got our pictures professionally taken together.
The great part started when Katrina came into the Karaoke room (gym) and told Zavy that there was a slow song on. (Yes love, I know because she told me first). He took my hand and led me out into the dance floor. I closed my eyes and could finally relax. I'm not sure if he could feel my heart beating, but it was going pretty damn fast. If I'd of known better, I'd say that we had some really good chemistry. I really wish I could feel that way....
I got my class ring, finally. It's gold with a black stone. It's pretty cool.
The Karaoke was awesome too. Zavy, Bill, Matt, another Matt, and several others sang Bohemian Rhapsody. It was awesome and it drew in more people than most performances of that nature did. I couldn’t stop smiling.
I need sleep. I really do. My ankles hurt a little bit from my shoes. Later.
Within the first half hour, everyone was talking and coming up to Zavy, hugging him, taking pictures...blah blah blah. I kept smiling and thought, 'what have I gotten myself into?'
Katrina, Stacy, Kendall and I got our pictures professionally taken together.
The great part started when Katrina came into the Karaoke room (gym) and told Zavy that there was a slow song on. (Yes love, I know because she told me first). He took my hand and led me out into the dance floor. I closed my eyes and could finally relax. I'm not sure if he could feel my heart beating, but it was going pretty damn fast. If I'd of known better, I'd say that we had some really good chemistry. I really wish I could feel that way....
I got my class ring, finally. It's gold with a black stone. It's pretty cool.
The Karaoke was awesome too. Zavy, Bill, Matt, another Matt, and several others sang Bohemian Rhapsody. It was awesome and it drew in more people than most performances of that nature did. I couldn’t stop smiling.
I need sleep. I really do. My ankles hurt a little bit from my shoes. Later.
It's Farewell night! I'm getting so nervous. Not nervous, but butterflies. It really hit me when Justine, Shannon and I were sitting in the movie room (part of the cafeteria which was closed off by a colapsable wall), sprawled out on the HUGE couch together in resource after we finsihed decorating. Suddenly we all look at each other after about a minute of silence and scream excitedly.
"See you tonight at 7:00!" I say to them, smiling widely and run out the door to my bus when the bell rang. They were staying late to help some teachers.
Decorations committee is probably having siezures right now. Not Justine, Shannon and Sarah mind you. They're very level headed people.
I'm running now. My mom wants to glue my nails on.
"See you tonight at 7:00!" I say to them, smiling widely and run out the door to my bus when the bell rang. They were staying late to help some teachers.
Decorations committee is probably having siezures right now. Not Justine, Shannon and Sarah mind you. They're very level headed people.
I'm running now. My mom wants to glue my nails on.
5.15.2003
It’s band concert night. Tonight at 7:00 was my last Junior High concert. It’s also very likely that it’s also my last solo ever. I’m good at Junior High, but High School is a totally different experience. My solo went outrageously well from what I heard.
The decorations committee blew up balloons for 5 of the 6 balloon palm trees for Farewell. They got to skip 6th hour. The lucky bastards.
I hate my glasses.
The bible (and the torah for that matter) says it’s a deadly sin to kill ‘friends’, but it says a lot of things we ignore these days.
I’m not nearly as girly as I was yesterday. Yesterday I was going around at such a high frequency, the dogs were barking in Miami Beach. Not to say that today was bad or anything, but it’s kind of a huge let down after how great yesterday was.
Tomorrow will be better. Farewell Freshmen is tomorrow at 7. Stacy and I made a truce, and we’re getting ready/going together. I want to curl her hair in ringlets. She’d be so cute!!! I’m really looking forward to making her up all pretty. Ever since the play and all that stage make-up, I’ve been able to work wonders with an eye pencil and brushes.
I managed to actually get my razor back from my parents, and before I knew I was going to Farewell I cut my arm up by my elbow. (It’s the fourth time I’ve written [Huge hint!] his name there.) I kind of wish I wouldn’t have done it. My dress doesn’t cover my arms. It’s kind of like a tank top, the straps are 2 inches thick.
Yep…I have BIG plans for Stacy. Watch for a web site over the weekend with pictures of Farewell. Not all pictures of course, mostly me and Stacy getting ready, but oh well! Later.
The decorations committee blew up balloons for 5 of the 6 balloon palm trees for Farewell. They got to skip 6th hour. The lucky bastards.
I hate my glasses.
The bible (and the torah for that matter) says it’s a deadly sin to kill ‘friends’, but it says a lot of things we ignore these days.
I’m not nearly as girly as I was yesterday. Yesterday I was going around at such a high frequency, the dogs were barking in Miami Beach. Not to say that today was bad or anything, but it’s kind of a huge let down after how great yesterday was.
Tomorrow will be better. Farewell Freshmen is tomorrow at 7. Stacy and I made a truce, and we’re getting ready/going together. I want to curl her hair in ringlets. She’d be so cute!!! I’m really looking forward to making her up all pretty. Ever since the play and all that stage make-up, I’ve been able to work wonders with an eye pencil and brushes.
I managed to actually get my razor back from my parents, and before I knew I was going to Farewell I cut my arm up by my elbow. (It’s the fourth time I’ve written [Huge hint!] his name there.) I kind of wish I wouldn’t have done it. My dress doesn’t cover my arms. It’s kind of like a tank top, the straps are 2 inches thick.
Yep…I have BIG plans for Stacy. Watch for a web site over the weekend with pictures of Farewell. Not all pictures of course, mostly me and Stacy getting ready, but oh well! Later.
5.14.2003
Cough. Hack. Gag. That's the order of things.
My worthy flute adversary is sitting in front of me and playing. It's still 10 minutes before class begins. She's a prep, and a popular prep at that. Why isn't she with her friends? Only losers with no friends to chill with do that.
Laney is in here. He's playing with the mallet percussion. He's so easy to amuse. That's why he's so attractive.
I never thought that I'd ever be excited about Farewell Freshmen. I found myself swapping gossip with other girls, asking who's going with who, what their dress is like, how their hair is going to be worn.... I've emerged from my cocoon as a social butterfly. Am I really a chick? Is it possible after all this time acting like a guy, I still have all the feminine feelings and anatomy?
When I told Justine I was going, she went balistic. A good balistic, but it was just a little creepy.
"What made you change your mind?!" She asked.
"I was asked. I said I would go if I got a date." I said.
Tavis must be changing his route from class to class, because I'm not, and I'm seeing him several times a day in the hallway.
I'm wearing my shoes. I'm determined to not sprain my ankles on Farewell night!!
My worthy flute adversary is sitting in front of me and playing. It's still 10 minutes before class begins. She's a prep, and a popular prep at that. Why isn't she with her friends? Only losers with no friends to chill with do that.
Laney is in here. He's playing with the mallet percussion. He's so easy to amuse. That's why he's so attractive.
I never thought that I'd ever be excited about Farewell Freshmen. I found myself swapping gossip with other girls, asking who's going with who, what their dress is like, how their hair is going to be worn.... I've emerged from my cocoon as a social butterfly. Am I really a chick? Is it possible after all this time acting like a guy, I still have all the feminine feelings and anatomy?
When I told Justine I was going, she went balistic. A good balistic, but it was just a little creepy.
"What made you change your mind?!" She asked.
"I was asked. I said I would go if I got a date." I said.
Tavis must be changing his route from class to class, because I'm not, and I'm seeing him several times a day in the hallway.
I'm wearing my shoes. I'm determined to not sprain my ankles on Farewell night!!
5.13.2003
I rarely see Tavis at school. It’s weird that I saw him four times today.
I got my midterms last week. My lowest was in my Honors class, which was and 88%, a mere 2% from and A-. Why can’t I pull these grades out of my ass when report cards come out?
I was talking to Zavy at lunch today. We both didn’t have dates for Farewell Freshmen, so…I guess you could say he asked me. When I got home, I ran to my room and tried on a prom dress that I wore to DJ a prom two years ago. I was shocked that it still fits. I called my mom and she tried not to cry.
We went to Sears and got shoes (that add about 3 inches to my height). They’re pretty cute, and I’m almost sure that I won’t sprain my ankle in them.
My mom bought me make-up, my shoes, and is going to pay for my ticket. She asked me if I was supposed to get Zavy a bootiner. It’s a male corsage. On prom night, girls are given corsages from their men, and the girls give their men bootiners.
“It’s not prom, mom.” I said.
“I know. I just don’t want you to feel out of place.” She said.
“Mom! We’re going as friends, and it’s still not prom.” I whined.
I can’t wait to tell Justine (she’s been trying to get me to go to Farewell for the past two months) that I’m going. I’ll get to see our handywork. I’m on decorations committee. I get to skip most of the day on Thursday to set up the cafeteria and gym. Aren’t I lucky? Damn straight I am.
I can’t focus. I’ll write later.
I got my midterms last week. My lowest was in my Honors class, which was and 88%, a mere 2% from and A-. Why can’t I pull these grades out of my ass when report cards come out?
I was talking to Zavy at lunch today. We both didn’t have dates for Farewell Freshmen, so…I guess you could say he asked me. When I got home, I ran to my room and tried on a prom dress that I wore to DJ a prom two years ago. I was shocked that it still fits. I called my mom and she tried not to cry.
We went to Sears and got shoes (that add about 3 inches to my height). They’re pretty cute, and I’m almost sure that I won’t sprain my ankle in them.
My mom bought me make-up, my shoes, and is going to pay for my ticket. She asked me if I was supposed to get Zavy a bootiner. It’s a male corsage. On prom night, girls are given corsages from their men, and the girls give their men bootiners.
“It’s not prom, mom.” I said.
“I know. I just don’t want you to feel out of place.” She said.
“Mom! We’re going as friends, and it’s still not prom.” I whined.
I can’t wait to tell Justine (she’s been trying to get me to go to Farewell for the past two months) that I’m going. I’ll get to see our handywork. I’m on decorations committee. I get to skip most of the day on Thursday to set up the cafeteria and gym. Aren’t I lucky? Damn straight I am.
I can’t focus. I’ll write later.
5.12.2003
Once upon a time there was girl. She met a boy, and a wonderful boy at that, or so she thought. Not long after that, they fell in love, and that’s when all the trouble starts.
You are cutting
What Self-Mutilation Are You?
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Holy shit…
Zavy and did word associations today in math and at lunch. One person will say a word, and the other will respond to the first word that pops into their head.
“Life.” He said.
“Sucks.” I fired back immediately.
“Plane.”
“Crash.” I said the same way.
“Suck.” He said.
“Me.” I said right away. I didn’t even realize that’s what I said until I had already said it. I was pretty embarrassed and shot a hand over my mouth. I’m like that when I’m tired too. You can get anything out of me when I’m almost asleep. If you ask me a specific question I will answer 100% truthfully.
I’ve gotten into some pretty big trouble like that. Well not exactly trouble, but it was uncomfortable. My crush was spread around the school in matter of seconds. He was popular, and I’m a loser so it went pretty quick. That was elementary school.
It’s now Junior High (even though it’s the 9th grade) and it wouldn’t be such a huge deal, but if Tavis found out, I’m not sure what I’d do. He’s certainly not unpopular, but he’s not the favorite of everyone. He’s like Kellen. I’d be very embarrassed, no doubt about it. But wouldn’t it be great if he was flattered and decided to give me a try.
YEAH RIGHT.
You are cutting
What Self-Mutilation Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Holy shit…
Zavy and did word associations today in math and at lunch. One person will say a word, and the other will respond to the first word that pops into their head.
“Life.” He said.
“Sucks.” I fired back immediately.
“Plane.”
“Crash.” I said the same way.
“Suck.” He said.
“Me.” I said right away. I didn’t even realize that’s what I said until I had already said it. I was pretty embarrassed and shot a hand over my mouth. I’m like that when I’m tired too. You can get anything out of me when I’m almost asleep. If you ask me a specific question I will answer 100% truthfully.
I’ve gotten into some pretty big trouble like that. Well not exactly trouble, but it was uncomfortable. My crush was spread around the school in matter of seconds. He was popular, and I’m a loser so it went pretty quick. That was elementary school.
It’s now Junior High (even though it’s the 9th grade) and it wouldn’t be such a huge deal, but if Tavis found out, I’m not sure what I’d do. He’s certainly not unpopular, but he’s not the favorite of everyone. He’s like Kellen. I’d be very embarrassed, no doubt about it. But wouldn’t it be great if he was flattered and decided to give me a try.
YEAH RIGHT.
5.11.2003
Last night was closing night for the play. When it finished, I was so depressed. Mom said I looked like walking death. I guess Blacker Bart’s character intreaged me, because Dennis and Tavis (That’s his last name, but we call him that instead of Nick.) are both Blacker. I’m falling for Tavis too.
This isn’t like me, to fluctuate like this with guys. I assessed why I liked each guy last night, in hopes to get over all of them. And believe it or not, it worked! Two are left, and truthfully, neither of them is him. He’ll be so relieved.
Dennis is funny. He can make me laugh and we tend to get along. He does flirt an awful lot, which makes me feel betrayed. So down goes Dennis.
Zavy is a great guy. He’s nice, we get along, he gives me countless compliments, and he’s playful. He has a girlfriend, and I know that he wouldn’t find me as interesting as I find him. Not to mention I don’t feel as if I could have a stable relationship with him.
Colt is nice, playful, compassionate, and someone I can get along with easily. Downsides? I don’t think I can really relate to how he looks at life. Not really interested in the same things, even though we share some of the same friends. I tend to disagree when I’m around him though. So he’s impartial.
He knows me. He knows where to touch me, how to make me smile, and well, everything about me. I know I’ll never get him back, and that’s okay. I know how to touch him, how to please him…I’ll spare you the details. Anyway I know that it’ll pass. And truthfully I don’t want Princess in my way. He’s my sex partner. That’s it.
Tavis is awesome. We share the same interests, we make each other laugh, we get along wonderfully, conversation is easy, and I could see myself with him. (Which reminds me! I need to burn a copy of a CD for him. I promised.)Yesterday backstage we were talking about music. He loves rap. It’s my favorite genre. He likes Dr. Dre and Eminem. Ditto. He took lyrics from one song “I’m not like you guys, true majestic lies.” And changed it around to “I’m not like you guys, Blake has sex with guys.” (Blake is Black Bart. We love to make fun of him. Blake returns to favor. It’s all in good humor.) We’re able to share things. We shared a Coke because I didn’t have any money. It was really nice of him.
Dennis was suspended. They found out he set off one of the bottle bombs. I think it’s hilarious. I feel guilty saying that, and I do miss him. I want to call him up and laugh with him. I want to laugh! Let me laugh!
This isn’t like me, to fluctuate like this with guys. I assessed why I liked each guy last night, in hopes to get over all of them. And believe it or not, it worked! Two are left, and truthfully, neither of them is him. He’ll be so relieved.
Dennis is funny. He can make me laugh and we tend to get along. He does flirt an awful lot, which makes me feel betrayed. So down goes Dennis.
Zavy is a great guy. He’s nice, we get along, he gives me countless compliments, and he’s playful. He has a girlfriend, and I know that he wouldn’t find me as interesting as I find him. Not to mention I don’t feel as if I could have a stable relationship with him.
Colt is nice, playful, compassionate, and someone I can get along with easily. Downsides? I don’t think I can really relate to how he looks at life. Not really interested in the same things, even though we share some of the same friends. I tend to disagree when I’m around him though. So he’s impartial.
He knows me. He knows where to touch me, how to make me smile, and well, everything about me. I know I’ll never get him back, and that’s okay. I know how to touch him, how to please him…I’ll spare you the details. Anyway I know that it’ll pass. And truthfully I don’t want Princess in my way. He’s my sex partner. That’s it.
Tavis is awesome. We share the same interests, we make each other laugh, we get along wonderfully, conversation is easy, and I could see myself with him. (Which reminds me! I need to burn a copy of a CD for him. I promised.)Yesterday backstage we were talking about music. He loves rap. It’s my favorite genre. He likes Dr. Dre and Eminem. Ditto. He took lyrics from one song “I’m not like you guys, true majestic lies.” And changed it around to “I’m not like you guys, Blake has sex with guys.” (Blake is Black Bart. We love to make fun of him. Blake returns to favor. It’s all in good humor.) We’re able to share things. We shared a Coke because I didn’t have any money. It was really nice of him.
Dennis was suspended. They found out he set off one of the bottle bombs. I think it’s hilarious. I feel guilty saying that, and I do miss him. I want to call him up and laugh with him. I want to laugh! Let me laugh!
5.07.2003
Hello, I’m Stephanie Jones reporting from my living room with an ice pack on my throat and my trusty humidifier going. A mere two days ago I couldn’t talk above a whisper. I’m projecting like a madman. I’m gonna make it. I’m ready for the play.
“My my! Such a shrewd business man.” I say to Snydley, then look over to Bo. “Paying in advance prevents cheapskates from checking out early down the back steps.” I can see myself batting my eyelashes at Bo. “I admire a man with intellect.”
Is it possible that Maddy won’t be able to do it? Yes, of course. She has laryngitis. I do too, but I can be heard and I can project. It’ll hurt a little, but lots of things hurt. Like women’s first sex, but that’s always good.
Princess was driving me up a fucking wall today. I wanted to kill her. I nearly did. I yelled at her. I began to cry. I refused to let anyone see my weakness. I was living in hell. Everything was fine until lunch when I saw her and she wouldn’t stop talking. I wanted to slap her, tell her to shut her trap, and get a new bottle of water (for some reason, the water I got from the drinking fountain 5 minutes ago and put into my bottle tasted stale).
I need to sleep. I need to sleep with my humidifier on and take a shit load of cough meds. I’ll be better in the morning if I don’t talk. No problem. I don’t need to talk when I sleep.
“My my! Such a shrewd business man.” I say to Snydley, then look over to Bo. “Paying in advance prevents cheapskates from checking out early down the back steps.” I can see myself batting my eyelashes at Bo. “I admire a man with intellect.”
Is it possible that Maddy won’t be able to do it? Yes, of course. She has laryngitis. I do too, but I can be heard and I can project. It’ll hurt a little, but lots of things hurt. Like women’s first sex, but that’s always good.
Princess was driving me up a fucking wall today. I wanted to kill her. I nearly did. I yelled at her. I began to cry. I refused to let anyone see my weakness. I was living in hell. Everything was fine until lunch when I saw her and she wouldn’t stop talking. I wanted to slap her, tell her to shut her trap, and get a new bottle of water (for some reason, the water I got from the drinking fountain 5 minutes ago and put into my bottle tasted stale).
I need to sleep. I need to sleep with my humidifier on and take a shit load of cough meds. I’ll be better in the morning if I don’t talk. No problem. I don’t need to talk when I sleep.
5.06.2003
Yesterday at school, this happened. The picture? That's my school! To the left side of the picture, if it kept going, you'd see the hallway to my science room.
I've developed larengytis. It's terrible timing, considering Maddy also has it and out opening night for the play is Thursday. I'm trying everything that is rumored to work to get rid of this. I slept last night with the humidifyer on and the mist fell on my face and I would breathe in the moist air. I took couch medicine to get rid of my cough, which would delay healing time. I have and ice pack on my throat. I'm trying not to talk. I'm about to gargle with salt water.
I'm in denial. My voice won't come back in 48 hous. I was so excited about this play, and now 2 months of work has been destroyed within the last 4 days. I need this play. I need in it.
I looked outside and saw my stoner neighbor run outside to greet a girl in the driveway. They hugged and kissed. I smiled and really wished I could have a relationship like that. Colt doesn't like me like I like him. That's okay. I'm cool with it. I know Dennis doesn't like me either, and may God kill me if I ever have second guesses with him. He won't ever again and that's okay.
I've developed larengytis. It's terrible timing, considering Maddy also has it and out opening night for the play is Thursday. I'm trying everything that is rumored to work to get rid of this. I slept last night with the humidifyer on and the mist fell on my face and I would breathe in the moist air. I took couch medicine to get rid of my cough, which would delay healing time. I have and ice pack on my throat. I'm trying not to talk. I'm about to gargle with salt water.
I'm in denial. My voice won't come back in 48 hous. I was so excited about this play, and now 2 months of work has been destroyed within the last 4 days. I need this play. I need in it.
I looked outside and saw my stoner neighbor run outside to greet a girl in the driveway. They hugged and kissed. I smiled and really wished I could have a relationship like that. Colt doesn't like me like I like him. That's okay. I'm cool with it. I know Dennis doesn't like me either, and may God kill me if I ever have second guesses with him. He won't ever again and that's okay.
5.03.2003
Play practice today was good. I was made-up with everything piece of make-up they had there. Of course, I was a little girl for today, with hair in braided pigtails. He was there and we tried to spend time together (or so it seemed) but Roe didn’t like the fact that I was up sitting on the side of the stage with the light guy. Oh well. She was an outrageous bitch today.
When we began, I sunk really low all of a sudden and became to depressed that my make-up was about to roll down my face with tears mixed in. I sat on the floor, with my CD player running.
“You know what’ll help?” Maddy asked in her raspy voice. “You need to get laid.”
“Yeah,” I said closing my eyes and leaning my head against the wall. “Tell it to the light guy.”
Everything seemed to get better when I went to sit on the sit of the stage for a few scenes with him.
My mom was a bitch too. She showed up at 8 pm when rehearsal was supposed to be over. She came in at 8:30 or so and said I wasn’t coming back. I’ve never seen her so angry. I was beyond scared of her. I was supposed to give him a ride home, and all of a sudden she wouldn’t let him come with. I go and tell him to walk home. (He lives about ½ a mile from the school. Probably shorter if he cut through school property.) Suddenly she decides to change her mind and says to go get him.
She starts bitching at me about Roe going over. I probably have the easiest mother to piss off in the world. I know she went over, and I started getting nervous when 5 minutes late passed. I knew I was going to be yelled at from that time on.
I woke up this morning and looked on the counter and saw my razor laying there in plain view. I freaked out. I’m sure that everyone had seen it, but pocketed it. How did it get out there in such plain view of everything? I have no idea, but it was obvious that it was used. I don’t exactly rinse it from use to use. (God, I sound so unsanitary.) I took it and put it in my pocket.
A girl at practice today said she used to cut her wrists. “Did you do it just for fun?” A boy asked.
“No! I’d like, get so über-depressed. I only did it when I was upset and depressed.” She said.
“Let’s see.”
“Oh!” She said smiling and looking at her perfectly smooth and unmarked wrists. “They’ve faded.”
Now let’s examine this. If I had said that, (I’d kind of be lying, because I do it when I’m bored.) people would look at me like I was a huge freak and say that only fags cut themselves. I don’t understand people.
Not to mention, I can tell when people’s wrists have been cut. Even in the faintest cases, there is a subtle change in skin tone. No change in hers. I looked at mine and see faint pink lines all over them. I don’t want to live like this anymore.
“How’s his mom doing? Health wise I mean.” Mom asked.
“I dunno.”
“I think about her a lot.” She says.
“I think about them both continuously.” I said.
When we began, I sunk really low all of a sudden and became to depressed that my make-up was about to roll down my face with tears mixed in. I sat on the floor, with my CD player running.
“You know what’ll help?” Maddy asked in her raspy voice. “You need to get laid.”
“Yeah,” I said closing my eyes and leaning my head against the wall. “Tell it to the light guy.”
Everything seemed to get better when I went to sit on the sit of the stage for a few scenes with him.
My mom was a bitch too. She showed up at 8 pm when rehearsal was supposed to be over. She came in at 8:30 or so and said I wasn’t coming back. I’ve never seen her so angry. I was beyond scared of her. I was supposed to give him a ride home, and all of a sudden she wouldn’t let him come with. I go and tell him to walk home. (He lives about ½ a mile from the school. Probably shorter if he cut through school property.) Suddenly she decides to change her mind and says to go get him.
She starts bitching at me about Roe going over. I probably have the easiest mother to piss off in the world. I know she went over, and I started getting nervous when 5 minutes late passed. I knew I was going to be yelled at from that time on.
I woke up this morning and looked on the counter and saw my razor laying there in plain view. I freaked out. I’m sure that everyone had seen it, but pocketed it. How did it get out there in such plain view of everything? I have no idea, but it was obvious that it was used. I don’t exactly rinse it from use to use. (God, I sound so unsanitary.) I took it and put it in my pocket.
A girl at practice today said she used to cut her wrists. “Did you do it just for fun?” A boy asked.
“No! I’d like, get so über-depressed. I only did it when I was upset and depressed.” She said.
“Let’s see.”
“Oh!” She said smiling and looking at her perfectly smooth and unmarked wrists. “They’ve faded.”
Now let’s examine this. If I had said that, (I’d kind of be lying, because I do it when I’m bored.) people would look at me like I was a huge freak and say that only fags cut themselves. I don’t understand people.
Not to mention, I can tell when people’s wrists have been cut. Even in the faintest cases, there is a subtle change in skin tone. No change in hers. I looked at mine and see faint pink lines all over them. I don’t want to live like this anymore.
“How’s his mom doing? Health wise I mean.” Mom asked.
“I dunno.”
“I think about her a lot.” She says.
“I think about them both continuously.” I said.
5.02.2003
Mom and I were sitting in the car, waiting for dad to come back out. In the parking lot, there was a small store. The store looked as if it came straight out of the 70’s.
“One of Dad’s old girlfriend’s parents owned it.” She said. “She tried to trick your father into marrying her.”
“How?” I asked, taking my eyes off my script and suddenly intent.
“She said that she was taking birth control and they got a little pregnant.” She said.
“Mom, you can’t just be a little pregnant. It’s either you are or you’re not.”
“Very true, Steph. She then said that she was going to keep the baby.” She said. “Then your father said he wasn’t going to marry her.”
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are you saying I have a step-sibling out there that I never knew about?” I asked.
Silence. “Yes,” Dad’s footsteps were approaching. “Don’t mention anything again.”
I can’t believe it. I’m in shock. Daddy had a child with another woman…and this child is my sibling. I don’t even know if it’s a boy or a girl, but I know it’s older than me by several years. This is no lie. I’m someone’s fucking little step-sister. I can’t believe it. I’m a little sister.
Maybe my life is more interesting than I had originally thought.
I’m making a list of all the 50 states and one man that I will marry in each state. Zavy is New York (Everything is fast and fun there). Dennis is Texas (everything is bigger in Texas….hehe). He is in Wisconsin, but he’ll live in Michigan so we can fuck like rabbits. Colt is Georgia (Georgia always seemed like a relaxed, fun, and sweet place to be. The lovers I saw there always were happy).
“You should ask Colt to Farewell Freshmen. By the way you talk about him, it’s a mutual interest.” My mom said.
“One of Dad’s old girlfriend’s parents owned it.” She said. “She tried to trick your father into marrying her.”
“How?” I asked, taking my eyes off my script and suddenly intent.
“She said that she was taking birth control and they got a little pregnant.” She said.
“Mom, you can’t just be a little pregnant. It’s either you are or you’re not.”
“Very true, Steph. She then said that she was going to keep the baby.” She said. “Then your father said he wasn’t going to marry her.”
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are you saying I have a step-sibling out there that I never knew about?” I asked.
Silence. “Yes,” Dad’s footsteps were approaching. “Don’t mention anything again.”
I can’t believe it. I’m in shock. Daddy had a child with another woman…and this child is my sibling. I don’t even know if it’s a boy or a girl, but I know it’s older than me by several years. This is no lie. I’m someone’s fucking little step-sister. I can’t believe it. I’m a little sister.
Maybe my life is more interesting than I had originally thought.
I’m making a list of all the 50 states and one man that I will marry in each state. Zavy is New York (Everything is fast and fun there). Dennis is Texas (everything is bigger in Texas….hehe). He is in Wisconsin, but he’ll live in Michigan so we can fuck like rabbits. Colt is Georgia (Georgia always seemed like a relaxed, fun, and sweet place to be. The lovers I saw there always were happy).
“You should ask Colt to Farewell Freshmen. By the way you talk about him, it’s a mutual interest.” My mom said.
5.01.2003
The girl in the play who is playing Belle is dropping out. Since I've switched casts, I've become close with her. Her voice went to shit two weeks ago. She went to the doctor last night and he told her that it won't return to normal for another two months. I'm overjoyed and yet so upset at the same time. Her name is Maddy, and she's so nice. We listen to rap that include the word fuck in it several times a chorus. (I can tell by the look in your eyes that you wanna fuck. And you don't need to call me your 'boo' cause as bad as you wanna fuck, I wanna fuck you.) Not to mention our famous Hippo song. ( I am a hippo. I am a hippo. Hippo hippo hippo. H-I-P-P-O hippo hippo. I am a hippo. [and so on.])
So am I in? Not officially. I was walking back from biology (alone. Colt wasn't there today.) and I asked her if her voice was getting better.
"No, and I'm dropping out." She said.
"Maddy! No! Don't do that! You're a great actress and you succeded in getting that role! What an honor. I'm the freaking underchild! (Dennis calls me that.) Don't quit! Why would you wanna do that?"
"Because I went to the doctor's last night and he said that I won't get better soon. It'll take atleast a month for my voice to get back to normal and I can't talk other than someone right beside me. You know that."
"It's been two weeks already Mad, just give it a little time!" I pleaded.
"No. Besides, Roe is getting to me." She said. I smiled at this.
I wish she wouldn't drop out. She really is great. My casts opening night is a week from tonight. I know Belle's lines. I know everyone's lines really. I feel so bad....
He is on light board. Yay! He'll be at my practice tomorrow. Having just him there almost makes up for not having Laney, Zavy, Chris and Dennis there. Quality, not quantity lots of people say. I agree, but it's not like I don't miss them. Of course I do! We became really close in a really short amount of time. Oh but here I am rambling on! Fuck it, I'll have him there. Someone to lean back on.
I was putting my shit in my locker after I talked to Maddy and he came up behind me and hugged me. It was a nice change of pace.
"Just wanted to do that." He said smiling. I was shocked really.
I was a playful and happy chick for study hall. (My study hall teacher was mad pissed when I said I didn't want to do anything.)
So am I in? Not officially. I was walking back from biology (alone. Colt wasn't there today.) and I asked her if her voice was getting better.
"No, and I'm dropping out." She said.
"Maddy! No! Don't do that! You're a great actress and you succeded in getting that role! What an honor. I'm the freaking underchild! (Dennis calls me that.) Don't quit! Why would you wanna do that?"
"Because I went to the doctor's last night and he said that I won't get better soon. It'll take atleast a month for my voice to get back to normal and I can't talk other than someone right beside me. You know that."
"It's been two weeks already Mad, just give it a little time!" I pleaded.
"No. Besides, Roe is getting to me." She said. I smiled at this.
I wish she wouldn't drop out. She really is great. My casts opening night is a week from tonight. I know Belle's lines. I know everyone's lines really. I feel so bad....
He is on light board. Yay! He'll be at my practice tomorrow. Having just him there almost makes up for not having Laney, Zavy, Chris and Dennis there. Quality, not quantity lots of people say. I agree, but it's not like I don't miss them. Of course I do! We became really close in a really short amount of time. Oh but here I am rambling on! Fuck it, I'll have him there. Someone to lean back on.
I was putting my shit in my locker after I talked to Maddy and he came up behind me and hugged me. It was a nice change of pace.
"Just wanted to do that." He said smiling. I was shocked really.
I was a playful and happy chick for study hall. (My study hall teacher was mad pissed when I said I didn't want to do anything.)
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