Alex and I had a little talk. You can guess who is who.

4 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
Well you want to go to Jfax....
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
And you know how I see it?
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
~Smacks hand on table and eyes brim with tears~ I haven't been invited to do shit with anyone except for you. You go to that 'spring fever' dance and everyone around me is buzzing with anticipation and everyone asks everyone else if their going and I hear someone ask if I was going and the other person said 'who cares?'
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
Do you how much is sucks to be cast off from a group of people you were once trusted with your entire life? That you would do anything for them? Died for them to make them happy? And the sad thing is that I'd still do it. If it's make everyone happy then I'd do it. But I know that there are about 3 people out there that would do the same for me, and that's who I live for.
Spikey says:
i'm sorry
Spikey says:
to be honestly lately i haven't been invited to do shit
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
~Wipes eyes~ No one gives a shit.
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
I haven't been invited to do anything since the begining of high school.
Spikey says:
-holds her- you've been almost forgotten
Spikey says:
you seemed to go your own way
Spikey says:
really i was trying to change that
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
Because I didn't want anyone to see how hurt I was by being left behind...so I tried to find friends....
Spikey says:
no one really has a problem with you or anything
Spikey says:
you just became silent
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
And then I get accepted into Rotary but I never see them. And then Mina is going home and so in Andre and truth betold. I'm scared shitless about Argentina.
Spikey says:
yeah i don't blame ya
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
And I don't want to go becayse I'm leaving people that don't even care! So it's this big....stupid circle that I'm stuck in!
Spikey says:
people care
Spikey says:
they don't show it
Spikey says:
but they do
Spikey says:
i've talked to most of em about it
Spikey says:
anyways
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
But there's this underlying thing.
Spikey says:what?
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
I don't like how things have become.... and I know it's selfish. I miss Joz being how she used to be. I miss Meri not knowing who Kenny was. I miss Ariana and I being together all the time and not having to worry about her replacing me and hurting me....
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
And something from the past was us too.
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:And while I don't like you....I like acting like we do, because it makes me feel that it's possible to go back to that time and make everything okay...
Spikey says:
i hate the cliche but, things change
Spikey says:
how do you think joz changed?
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
I'm not even going to get into that......
Spikey says:
ok
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
You know one of the reasons I liked you do much?
Spikey says:
why?
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:~Wipes eyes~ It's because I could wake up everyday, look myself in the mirror and say that because someone loved me as much as their own life.....
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:I looked in the mirror and saw that I was beautiful.
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:I haven't seen it since.
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
That's why you were different.
Spikey says:
that i cared?
14 days until Calvin and 53 days until Argentina! says:
That you loved me.

I can't believe this. I'm getting sick of almost everyone. I can't even put on the most fake smile for some random customer at work. It's because I leave in only 60 days...right? I'm not just suddenly becoming bitchy and rude, right?

~Paces~ I can't sit still either. I have to keep doing something. I keep wringing my hands or picking at zits or...something. My hands or my body have to keep busy. And when it's really bad, I pace around and wring my hands. I've become a victim of cabin fever and I'm anxious as hell to get out of this fucking country.

It wasn't real bad until I spoke with Jake and we just...sparks flew all over again. Now I really want to see him again, and then I want to start this damn exchange! It's not like I don't want to savor every moment this is going to provide, but LET'S GET IT OVER WITH ALL RIGHT?!

So now I've vented. Bye.

I was talking to Jessie today. She wasn't accepted into Rotary and now she's looking into different exchange programs. I told her to try Rotary again because it really is the best out there. You have supporters from all over the world. I'll bet there's a Rotarian in every country of the world.

She says she won't try Rotary again because she doesn't like what Rotary would try to get her to do. Rotary wants us to be in a group and to be able to be a good ambassador of your country in that group. They want you to be easy to talk to and friendly. She says that isn't her thing. I said it's amazing for me to think of going through anyone except for Rotary. She scoffed. I said I had just changed a lot since she had met me.

When she met me, I was meek, playing it safe with people I knew. Now, I'm pretty bold if I do say so myself. I like to meet new people, I like to try new things (However, I still don't like salads or fish. ^_^*).

"I don't know the old me anymore." I said.

The more I thought about this revelation, the more it started to pertain to me. In a matter of 6 months, I've gone from cutting and making scars, to nothing and trying to get rid of them. That's not all though. Oh, it's far from all.

I don't need a man to keep me happy. Money isn't for spending anymore, it's for saving and then it's for spending while I'm gone. ^_^* (I know that's not much better, but in the past 2 weeks, I've spent 15 dollars. 10 for gas, and 5 for a thing of yarn so I may knit a blanket for my host family.) I'm a little less scatter-brained, but in some ways a little more. The little things don't bother me. The big picture gets the upper hand on me. The world isn't out to get me, I'm out to get them and change them for the better.

22 days until the Kiss and Cry Calvin Conference. 65 days until I leave.

Relaxing all day is something I think I could do. Today was the first day of summer vacation, and it was fun no matter how uneventful. I hung out with Alex from 10:30 am until 6:00 pm. We weren't even sick of each other. I don't know if I could get sick of him though.

I'm getting sick though. I can feel it in my throat, moving up into my head. It sucks really.

Augh! Damn these stupid pop-ups! I'm going to kill them! Arg... They randomly come up while using AOL in Netscape or Internet Explorer even though I haven't used that program in ages. It's really frustrating.

I wish I had some mate, or just tea in general. Or a slurpee. I just want something to numb this stupid throat.

I realized something yesterday night. While listening to Hotel California by the Eagles, my pulse is exactly on the beat. This song reminds me of Teemu. I danced with him to this song and only then did I realize that he was really tall. I'm 5'1" and I had my head on his breastbone. He must be about 6' 2" or so. Maybe taller. Don't nordic people live to become very tall? Japanese people don't. Hehe....Minase is short. ^_^*

You know, time has flown by this year. It's probably because I had so much time to worry about exchange. For example, it feels like only a month ago I recieved my country assignment. I have 23 days until the Kleenex and Kodak conference or the 'Calvin Conference'. It's where everyone says their last goodbyes and TONS of pictures were taken.

And only 66 days until I embark on my journey.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

So ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls...watch me fuck it up!

I said goodbye to everyone at school today and boy did I cry. Isn't that awful? Then I screwed around with friends for a while. ~Dodges glances~ I was a good girl!

Wow. I'm uber-empty. I don't have anything to write. I cried so much earlier that everything is just gone. This past week has been a ride. An emotional rollercoaster. It's not like I'm going to miss anything while I'm in Argentina. It's little dinky Traverse City. But for some reason, it hurts to see it all go.

So I kneeled at the bottom to the escalator stairs looking up and waiting for Sabrina. There she was. She was extremely pale and her red hair looked dusted with white. I knew it was her though.

Mina knew right away who it was. I wonder what was going through her mind when she saw her. I wonder what was going through Sabrina's mind when she saw Mina and I kissing each other at random times on the cheek and arms around each other. I wonder what her parents thought.

So now...after the excitement I have carried with me for the whole day, I returned home. I am so emotionally exhausted. When I saw her I was excited, but it wasn't the complete euphoria I was expecting. My heart feels frozen like I don't want to smile. Ever again.

Now I understand the culture shock theory. You may hate it the first few months, but when you get there, you want to resume your day to day life there forever. While she looked happy to get off the plane, she looked unhappy at where she had landed.

She looked at me when she had finished hugging everyone and said: "Who is this absolutely gourgous girl?" I smiled and said: "I don't know really."

And that's the truth.

~Looks at clock and stretches~ Sabrina is on a plane right now. She will be here tomorrow at 4:35 pm. She's staying only for a week to graduate, but I can't wait to see her. I don't know what I'll do when I see her. Will she smile at me? Will she look at me, be sad and want to return to her home in Japan? Anything she does I will understand. I'm sure she's excited to see everyone, but at the same time, yearning for home again. Her home isn't the United States anymore. It's Japan, just as mine will become Argentina.

Why am I worried about this?! I should be so ecstatic and excited about her coming back. I get to see her one last time before I leave on my own adventure (allegedly that's another reason she's coming home early). I spoke to her on the phone a few weeks ago. She's sounding more and more like my personality everyday. We were very similar before, but now it's a bit...scary. Of course she's not suffering from an anguished love...right?

Augh. About that...I don't know what I am supposed to do about her. She's loving the ring I gave her. Everytime we see each other we kiss each other. One of these days, I'll put my hand gently upon her face and kiss her. Let her know....

She says that she knows. Caleb told her, but I don't think she cares. She wouldn't want a relationship with me. I'm American and while I'm not the most culturally bland person out of the bag, I'm not exciting.

I live in a house with my parents, a dog, a cat, and a turtle. My real name is Stephanie, my hair is red, puffy and curly, I'm short, my eyes are typical brown, and I have a little bit of pudge. I play the flute at an extremely mediocre level, sit in classes all day, and never do my homework. Ta da! May I introduce anything you'd ever have to know about miss Annie Jones?

I'm not giving myself credit for the exchange thing though. This is a huge deal. I'm sure it's not huge for Mina though, seeing as she is one herself. Two years ago I hadn't imagined being alive, let alone planning a life in a different country.

My scars still remain however, and they won't go away. Any suggestions? I have tried Mederma and while that was great for one spot and it took 8 weeks of treatment three times a day to get rid of, my arms are covered. I'm not trying to sound morbid by any means, but I really need some sort of lotion I can put on my arms to get rid of scars. They're so obvious, and I don't need some Argentine pointing them out.