I walked home today, like every day. Blocks of snow littered to sides of the roads. Huge blocks, the size of my head and sometimes larger.

I kicked them. I kicked each of them and said names aloud and pretended it was their head. Kick! Jake, for not calling me or getting in contact with me. Kick! Ashly, for hurting me and hurting James and taking what....should be mine (Actually, there were several I invisioned as Ashly). Kick! Zavy, for the feeling of betrayal.

And the next....Alex. I reared back my leg, and gritted my teeth angrilly. I stopped myself and stared down at the snow block. I jumped over it, and kept walking, leaving it in the road untouched.

I cried myself to sleep last night, and I prayed for about an hour. I prayed because I felt so guilty that I only pray when I need something. I prayed because I hurt so badly and who else could I talk to anyway. I couldn't call anyone. Who would listen?

Sigh. I should go....

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
Blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

You know what my favorite part about doing laundry is? Cleaning the lint trap. It's almost therapeutic.

Ms. Hunt had another preposition for me. She asked if I would like to direct a play. Direct instead of act?! I was really wavering on this...for about two seconds. So I've become the first Sophmore director in Central High history. It's kinda scary. I start on Tuesday.

No matter what though, I can't forget Alex. It hurts so much to think about him. James thinks he's a complete prick, Zavy certainly isn't happy with him, and Fuka is furious with him. Every time I see Alex and Ashly together, I'm probably lucky my razor isn't with me. If it was, I'd put it to my wrist and push it through to the other side.

Things seem okay though. Regardless of what I feel right now, I've been pretty happy. I was molested again on Wednesday. Pushed to the floor, jacket zipped off, shirt up, bra unsnapped... I wanted to cry. I can't believe how non-chalantly I'm talking about this. Is it possible that I'm used to it?

Christ I'm being self centered!

Jake....where are you? Are you thinking of me? I'm thinking of you. Do you want to be with me as much as I want to be with me?

I love you Jacob.

You know you're a loser when you've written a sarcastic letter to a beginning theater class when you're bored.

So, you want to try this ‘Theater’ thing do ya? Got what it takes? Willing to stay up until ungodly hours just to get your part memorized? That’s good, because that’s taking it over the top just a pinch. Or a handful.

Theater is fun. You may be thinking: ‘Woohoo. It’s just a speech credit genius’. You’d be wrong in two ways. One, theater can actually let you find things inside of you you never thought were there, and two, I’m no genius.

You’ll be working for your part in the production from the first time you walk in through that door. Want a good part? Work for it. Show you care, if you don’t, you’re not going to be taken seriously at all. Didn’t get the part you wanted and you didn’t work for it? Then stop complaining. It’s your own fault you didn’t try.

And for god’s sake show up for class. Not only will you suffer from it grade wise, you’ll also make your classmates suffer practice wise. That’s not cool. You don’t want to be hated now do you?

Oh yeah. There are these little things called lines. Learn them. They are essential to the overall success to a performance. You may have all these professional actors up on stage, ready to go, but without lines you’re in a wee bit of trouble. Without lines, there is no plot, there are no characters, there is no story. Bing, bang, boom. “Woohoo I’m Leo DiCaprio (heart pounds madly) up on stage with nothing to say! The End!” Wanna watch that and not just rush the stage because he’s up there?

I think I’ve run out of things you fill your minds with. Thank god hmm? Do theater Nike style.

Just do it.

This may be the last time I come here. Here is where I first kissed you. I kissed you that day, you know. I kissed you because I could not help myself. Now again I try to exert control over myself, and I can't.

I try to appear content...and I can't.

I know I look distressed. I feel how my face quivers and my blood feels thin, and I can hardly breathe.

My skin feels dry. I have no power to show something other than what I feel. I a destroyed and even if I tried, my lips would not smile. Instead, I cling to you and make it harder for you.

Leave now. Leave me here looking at the leaves. Goodbye, and if I don't look at you, it may be easier to let you go.

Do I really have to state the obvious on this one?...Yeah I think I do. Exams SUCK.

So do computers for that matter. I've been trying to install SIMS Unleashed and the damn thing just won't install. This expansion pack better kick some major ass!

Speaking of major ass kicking, I could give my car one right now. The battery died and I'ce had to drive my mom's car for the past week. You'd think that my car would be the worst in snow out of all of them, but nope. Mom's is. She has a really nice quality car, so it kinda came as a shock to me when the anti-lock brakes came on and I wasn't stopping fast enough.

Ah yes, my near accident experience. I was driving on Center Rd, and the speed limit was 55. I got up to 35 when someone pulls directly in front of me and stops in the middle of this fucking highway. I slam on the brakes to no avail. I'm thinking 'Shit, I'm either gonna hit this fucking car or hit the snowbank.' I opted for the snowbank and got stuck. I had a passenger with me too named Maddy. She's my age and I was giving her a ride home from school and I felt so awful...

God it's great to be home. So much better than being at Nana's house. I feel guilty about saying that because one day she's gonna die and I'm gonna feel terrible. But sometimes....I just can't stand her. Ya know how that goes, right?

My parents got home last night and my dad hasn't said word one to me and ny mom said about three sentences. I feel the love. It circulates to room.

Gee, look at who just signed on. Sigh...Alex and I never talk anymore...except when he has no other friends....or god forbid his girlfriend online. I really want Ashly dead for some reason.

....Okay, I take it back. I want her morbidly hurt. Either that or me dead. Yeah I prefer that. That'd more of an impact than to hurt someone. James, her ex, and I actually discussed getting together and comitting suicide together. He's really torn up inside and what she did to him was completely uncool. I feel so awful...and I really wish I could do something to help him.

Lots of people avoid us when James and I are talking. Of course who wouldn't with all the blood and tall buildings and razor blades. Not to mention the Vegetarian Chili. ~Smirks~

YES! I CARE ABOUT JAMES!

It’s not possible is it? Possible that since my parents are gone and I’m staying with my Nana…that I actually kind of miss them? I feel…awful because I don’t want to miss them. There’s only one reason however why I do miss them. My Nana is kinda….driving me up a wall. I’m so far up that hypothetical wall I’m walking upside down on the ceiling.

I’ve had kind of a hard week. I need Jake for some reason. I’ve been really independent from him lately and I feel like I don’t need him. It’s almost like I didn’t like him anymore. But all of a sudden, I woke up one morning and thought….I love him. I want to be with him. Amazing isn’t it?

I went my cousin’s birthday party today. She’s turning 7. I felt so old; being twice as old as nearly everyone there. She seemed disappointed that my mother and I got her clothes. Granted, my mom never told me what she got her, but I felt responsible. I’m glad I got her a package of suckers.

18 days! Only 18 days until I find out where I’m exchanging to. I’m so excited….

Can’t focus. TV is on. It’s taken me forever to type this… Bye.

"Annie," I heard my theater teacher say to me yesterday from on the stage. "Come here for a second."

While everyone else was practicing their partner scenes, I walked up the stairs and up to Mrs. Hunt.

"Jenna Stanley is supposed to be in my 4th hour Theater III play. The problem is that she hasn't been showing up for practice or class for that matter and no one knows where she is." Mrs. Hunt's hair seemed almost gray for an instant. "We need a replacement. It's 40 cues, and we have a matinee tomorrow. You're allowed to say no...but will you be Polly?"

I stood there in shock. 40 cues? To memorize overnight? What was she thinking? I had 40 cues as Rikki-Tikki-Tavi and it took me a week to memorize them all.

Finally I broke free of my dumbfounded stare. "Sure!" I said smiling. "I'll be at rehearsal tonight."

So I pounded those 40 cues into my head. Over and over I practiced. I even had a friend come over and helped me ingrain them. Around 11:30 I was pretty sure I had them all rather comfortable, so I decided to get some sleep.

I arrived in the theater at 7:45. I practiced my cues and blocking to see what I needed to work on. Just in case, I kept a script in my basket.

Two shows passed...without a hitch.

Two more shows to go!

A girl I know in my first three hours had a boyfriend. He commit suicide over winter break. I saw her crying today.

My first thought was: "She finally got hers. She finally got what she deserves." She's always been really rude to me. She's always been snide and inconsiderate....

I had a second thought. I wish that people were crying like she was over my death. So that day...I came home and calmly went to the safe. I opened it with a little difficulty...and opened the pistol case. I took out the clip and then lifted up the flap that held the gun underneath it. I looked at the case...and an empty spot where the gun was supposed to lay.

I cried hysterically.

I got online and was so excited when I saw that Jake was on too. Delighted, I messaged him and we proceeded to talk about the usual...anything we could imagine. He got pulled over a few days ago for going 73 in a 55 mph zone.

He's been acting really stand-offish though. He doesn't call. The last tie we talked was pre-Christmas. We went fro talking every night, to every other night, to practically never. I miss my boyfriend and sometimes I really wonder if he's faithful to me when he's so far away.

He didn't even say 'I love you', something he called simply to say just a month ago.

We're approaching our 2 month mark...what if he doesn't want to continue this thing? Dammit, I'm getting so worried.

Thanks for letting me vent....

The Japanese, when disgraced, cut off their hair. For example, when the men fought and lost a battle or had to leave their village, they cut off their hair. Even modern days in Japan both men and women cut their hair when disgraced. Men normally do it when they've lost a bet, lost a love, or have been extremely humilated.

The women will do this after losing a love, comitting an embarrassing act, and sometimes, even when they find they are pregnant out of a marrage.

Fuck it you guys. His name is Alex Anderson. We went out for a year and a half. A year and a half of bliss. Of course, he might argue the point.... Then along came Bryan...~Sigh~ And it ended. Just like that.

So I saw Alex at the mall with Ashly, his new girlfriend which he chose over me, and I nearly hyperventilated on the spot. I sat down and I couldn't breath anymore. My mom went into a store and I stayed outside, quietly trying to keep the tears from hitting my cheeks. My fingers left my face and wandered down to my hair. I fingered my curly lock of hair, and remembered Miki and what she did when Yuu left her.

When my mom and I were walking out to the car, I said it.

"I've been thinking about cutting my hair." I said.

A very short while later, I found myself in a chair, with my hair significantly shorter. I didn't butcher is completely, but it was easily 1/4 of the way down my back, and now it's up the the bottom of my ears.

It's the art of letting go, my friends. By snipping away my locks, I hopefully have cut him out of my life.

You must think I'm crazy. I'm not really disgraced. Cutting my hair so short?

Well, think of it this way...It's better than me cutting something else.