Here's a quick bitch about my ex-fiance.
He's a dick.
And that's pretty much the end of the story.
I hope when he kisses Lisa, he chokes on her huge buck-teeth.
I hope he's miserable for the rest of his days.
I hope his marriage fails, and his children die, and his house catches fire. Then I hope he loses his job.
But most of all, I hope he never hurts another girl the way he hurt me.
Oh... and by the way? He sucked dick in High School, and lots of it.
Secret's out, butt dumpling.
12.21.2008
11.30.2008
There is really only one thing that bothers me being in a relationship.
I love everything about Corey. There is nothing that I can find wrong with him. He is a wonderful man and provider, and I am proud to be at his side.
But I want to go away again. I want to go to school in Argentina again. Or maybe spend a semester in Spain. Or hell... maybe even spend a year attending university in New Zealand or Denmark. This world is huge, and there's so much I haven't gotten to explore yet.
I can't believe I'm saying this... but my only regret is trying to settle too fast. I succeeded in doing that, and it's not like I can just uproot my life and move it halfway across the globe like I did when I was 16. A life at 16 is not nearly as multi-faceted as it is when you're in your 20s. I have school, work (not quite at the moment...), a cat, a house, student loans, my boyfriend....
So it's really not his fault at all. I did this to myself. I'm 16 days shy of 21, and I am settled.
On the upside, today is our one year anniversary. And I've never been happier in my life.
I love everything about Corey. There is nothing that I can find wrong with him. He is a wonderful man and provider, and I am proud to be at his side.
But I want to go away again. I want to go to school in Argentina again. Or maybe spend a semester in Spain. Or hell... maybe even spend a year attending university in New Zealand or Denmark. This world is huge, and there's so much I haven't gotten to explore yet.
I can't believe I'm saying this... but my only regret is trying to settle too fast. I succeeded in doing that, and it's not like I can just uproot my life and move it halfway across the globe like I did when I was 16. A life at 16 is not nearly as multi-faceted as it is when you're in your 20s. I have school, work (not quite at the moment...), a cat, a house, student loans, my boyfriend....
So it's really not his fault at all. I did this to myself. I'm 16 days shy of 21, and I am settled.
On the upside, today is our one year anniversary. And I've never been happier in my life.
11.28.2008
This lesson plan has been designed to meet several criteria required by the State of Michigan in an Eighth Grade Language Arts curriculum. This is a creative writing project, which will evaluate the student’s ability to express themselves through written language with a variety of creative means.
In this plan, students will…
W.GN.08.01 write a cohesive narrative piece such as poetry, historical fiction, science fiction, or realistic fiction that includes appropriate conventions to genre employing literary and plot devices (e.g., narrator credibility, rising and falling actions and/or conflict, imagery and transitional language).
W.PR.08.02 apply a variety of pre-writing strategies for both narrative (e.g., graphic organizers designed to depict rising and falling actions, roles of minor characters, credibility of narrator) and informational writing (e.g., compare/contrast, cause/effect, or sequential text patterns).
W.PR.08.04 revise drafts for coherence and consistency in word choice, structure, and style; and read their own work from another reader’s perspective.
W.PR.08.05 proofread and edit writing using grade-level checklists and other appropriate resources both individually and in groups.
W.GR.08.01 in the context of writing, correctly use style conventions (e.g., Modern Language Association Handbook) and a variety of grammatical structures in compositions including infinitives, gerunds, participial phrases, and dashes or ellipses.
W.SP.08.01 in the context of writing use correct spelling conventions.
R.NT.08.02 analyze the structure, elements, style, and purpose of narrative genre including historical fiction, science fiction, and realistic fiction.
R.CS.08.01 evaluate the appropriateness of shared, individual and expert standards based on purpose, context, and audience in order to assess their own writing and the writing of others.
This is a week long assignment, running Monday to Friday, with a final draft due on the following Monday at the beginning of class. Each lesson time is approximately 55 minutes, however it can be expanded if desired.
Monday: Have students read “A Sound of Thunder” by Ray Bradbury as a weekend reading assignment. Begin the class by defining Science Fiction and explaining when and where it first surfaced. Open up discussion to the entire class and ask for responses to the weekend’s reading assignment. Did they like it? What did you like or dislike about the story? Is there any particular passage or event that you feel is noteworthy and would like to talk about? Ask if they need any help with vocabulary. After sharing input, ask what characteristics are distinct from the genres of Historical Fiction or Realistic Fiction. Use a Venn Diagram or other visual tool to organize ideas on the blackboard. Make sure to get insight from everyone in the class. Even the quiet ones have great ideas!
Introduce the creative writing assignment. Pass out the rubric to students and review it in class. It is at the discretion of the teacher whether or not to use former students work, however the author of this plan believes it is best to let the student start from scratch and create an original work instead of using someone else’s work as a guide. Also explain that you wish to have a follow-up paragraph written in response to their own story. Have them address difficult areas, what they believe their strong points are, or have them ask some questions to the reader.
If there is time remaining, it should be used brainstorming the story grammar they will be using in their Science Fiction narrative.
Tuesday: Open the class by asking students what strategies they use while writing a successful text. Explain that these answers will vary because we are all different. Just because Student G likes organizing information graphically doesn’t mean that Student L does. Pass out a variety of Information Organizer sheets, such as Venn Diagrams, tables, the five Ws, and cause/effect sheets. If the student has their own unique way to represent information, have them use it. Explain the importance of planning a story before you begin to write. Be sure to ask for input. Answer any questions
Wednesday: Have students read Isaac Asimov’s “The Fun They Had”, paired with another age appropriate Science Fiction text (I used a Science Fiction story I wrote) as homework. Open up the class to discussion and ask for feedback regarding the two stories. Today would be a great day to address the use of symbolism in Science Fiction. Explain the importance and prevalence of symbolism within the genre of Science Fiction. Later, ask the students to identify different symbols and define what role they could possibly play in the whole scheme of the story. Symbols don’t have to be only in the Science Fiction texts, but can also be drawn from previously read texts for class. Make sure they have sufficient support to make their claim.
Thursday: Two printed copies of the Rough Draft are due at the beginning of class. One goes to the teacher, while the other goes stays in the student review circle. Explain that today will be devoted to peer review and in class drafting/editing of their story. Each student should have a different colored writing utensil. Address any expectations you have for a constructive peer review.
Have the students organize into groups of no more than four. Have the students take turns reading and editing the rough draft. By the end of the class, each student must write a short paragraph to the author about their essay. This paragraph should address what is ‘good’, what needs improvement, and any additional feedback they feel is needed. Emphasize tactfulness and constructive criticism! Have students focus on “I” statements like “I was confused by this part…” as opposed to “You didn’t write this part clearly”.
Friday: If any student is having a hard time with their story, invite them to have a private chat with you. Poll the students. If the majority would like to use today’s class time to work on their story, then give them the time. Any students who feel they do not need time may circulate the room and help their fellow students, read silently, or use the time as a ‘study period’. If the students pass on the opportunity to work on their project in class, then an alternative lesson can be prepared by the teacher.
RUBRIC:
Idea Development
0 pts Nothing turned in, or nothing attempted
1 pt Ideas are hard to distinguish, or hard to seperate. Too many words or too few ideas.
2 pts Ideas are present, but not well developed. Supported by some detail but not sufficient.
3 pts Ideas are well developed and supported by sufficient detail.
4 pts Ideas are well developed and supported by exemplary details.
Organization
0 pts Nothing turned in, or nothing attempted
1 pt Form is obvious, but not entirely correct. Ideas are scattered throughout with no real coherence.
2 pts Form is obvious but not entirely correct. Most ideas are grouped together but there are some that stray.
3 pts Correct form is used. Ideas grouped together with only a few minor mistakes.
4 pts Correct form is used. Form enhances the writing. Ideas are grouped together for greated meaning.
Conventions
0 pts Nothing turned in, or nothing attempted
1 pt 8 or more mistakes per page.
2 pts 5-7 mistakes per page.
3 pts 4 mistakes per page.
4 pts 0-3 mistakes per page.
Word Choice
0 pts Nothing turned in, or nothing attempted
1 pt Strong words or descriptions are used sparingly. They are used incorrectly, or are not clear to the audience or the purpose.
2 pts Occasionally strong words and/or descriptions are used but they are not clear to the audience or the purpose of the work.
3 pts Strong words and descriptions used. Some words are above average and used appropriately throughout the work.
4 pts Strong words and descriptions throughout. Words are above average, and used appropriately throughout the work.
Sentence Fluency
0 pts Nothing turned in, or nothing attempted
1 pt Sentences do not vary, or relate from one to another. There are few transitions.
2 pts Few sentences vary in length. Few transitions between sentences, paragraps and ideas.
3 pts Sentences vary somewhat in length. Some transitions between sentences, paragraphs, and ideas.
4 pts Sentences vary in length. Transitions link sentences, paragraphs, and ideas. Sentences enhance the structure of the work.
Presentation
0 pts Nothing turned in, or nothing attempted
1 pt Font, spacing, text, and graphics are not appropriate for the text.
2 pts Font, spacing, text, or graphics are not completely appropriate for the text.
3 pts Correct font, spacing, text, and graphics are included as requestion but not completely appropriate at all times
4 pts Correct font, spacing, text, and graphics are included as requested and enhance the work.
In this plan, students will…
W.GN.08.01 write a cohesive narrative piece such as poetry, historical fiction, science fiction, or realistic fiction that includes appropriate conventions to genre employing literary and plot devices (e.g., narrator credibility, rising and falling actions and/or conflict, imagery and transitional language).
W.PR.08.02 apply a variety of pre-writing strategies for both narrative (e.g., graphic organizers designed to depict rising and falling actions, roles of minor characters, credibility of narrator) and informational writing (e.g., compare/contrast, cause/effect, or sequential text patterns).
W.PR.08.04 revise drafts for coherence and consistency in word choice, structure, and style; and read their own work from another reader’s perspective.
W.PR.08.05 proofread and edit writing using grade-level checklists and other appropriate resources both individually and in groups.
W.GR.08.01 in the context of writing, correctly use style conventions (e.g., Modern Language Association Handbook) and a variety of grammatical structures in compositions including infinitives, gerunds, participial phrases, and dashes or ellipses.
W.SP.08.01 in the context of writing use correct spelling conventions.
R.NT.08.02 analyze the structure, elements, style, and purpose of narrative genre including historical fiction, science fiction, and realistic fiction.
R.CS.08.01 evaluate the appropriateness of shared, individual and expert standards based on purpose, context, and audience in order to assess their own writing and the writing of others.
This is a week long assignment, running Monday to Friday, with a final draft due on the following Monday at the beginning of class. Each lesson time is approximately 55 minutes, however it can be expanded if desired.
Monday: Have students read “A Sound of Thunder” by Ray Bradbury as a weekend reading assignment. Begin the class by defining Science Fiction and explaining when and where it first surfaced. Open up discussion to the entire class and ask for responses to the weekend’s reading assignment. Did they like it? What did you like or dislike about the story? Is there any particular passage or event that you feel is noteworthy and would like to talk about? Ask if they need any help with vocabulary. After sharing input, ask what characteristics are distinct from the genres of Historical Fiction or Realistic Fiction. Use a Venn Diagram or other visual tool to organize ideas on the blackboard. Make sure to get insight from everyone in the class. Even the quiet ones have great ideas!
Introduce the creative writing assignment. Pass out the rubric to students and review it in class. It is at the discretion of the teacher whether or not to use former students work, however the author of this plan believes it is best to let the student start from scratch and create an original work instead of using someone else’s work as a guide. Also explain that you wish to have a follow-up paragraph written in response to their own story. Have them address difficult areas, what they believe their strong points are, or have them ask some questions to the reader.
If there is time remaining, it should be used brainstorming the story grammar they will be using in their Science Fiction narrative.
Tuesday: Open the class by asking students what strategies they use while writing a successful text. Explain that these answers will vary because we are all different. Just because Student G likes organizing information graphically doesn’t mean that Student L does. Pass out a variety of Information Organizer sheets, such as Venn Diagrams, tables, the five Ws, and cause/effect sheets. If the student has their own unique way to represent information, have them use it. Explain the importance of planning a story before you begin to write. Be sure to ask for input. Answer any questions
Wednesday: Have students read Isaac Asimov’s “The Fun They Had”, paired with another age appropriate Science Fiction text (I used a Science Fiction story I wrote) as homework. Open up the class to discussion and ask for feedback regarding the two stories. Today would be a great day to address the use of symbolism in Science Fiction. Explain the importance and prevalence of symbolism within the genre of Science Fiction. Later, ask the students to identify different symbols and define what role they could possibly play in the whole scheme of the story. Symbols don’t have to be only in the Science Fiction texts, but can also be drawn from previously read texts for class. Make sure they have sufficient support to make their claim.
Thursday: Two printed copies of the Rough Draft are due at the beginning of class. One goes to the teacher, while the other goes stays in the student review circle. Explain that today will be devoted to peer review and in class drafting/editing of their story. Each student should have a different colored writing utensil. Address any expectations you have for a constructive peer review.
Have the students organize into groups of no more than four. Have the students take turns reading and editing the rough draft. By the end of the class, each student must write a short paragraph to the author about their essay. This paragraph should address what is ‘good’, what needs improvement, and any additional feedback they feel is needed. Emphasize tactfulness and constructive criticism! Have students focus on “I” statements like “I was confused by this part…” as opposed to “You didn’t write this part clearly”.
Friday: If any student is having a hard time with their story, invite them to have a private chat with you. Poll the students. If the majority would like to use today’s class time to work on their story, then give them the time. Any students who feel they do not need time may circulate the room and help their fellow students, read silently, or use the time as a ‘study period’. If the students pass on the opportunity to work on their project in class, then an alternative lesson can be prepared by the teacher.
RUBRIC:
Idea Development
0 pts Nothing turned in, or nothing attempted
1 pt Ideas are hard to distinguish, or hard to seperate. Too many words or too few ideas.
2 pts Ideas are present, but not well developed. Supported by some detail but not sufficient.
3 pts Ideas are well developed and supported by sufficient detail.
4 pts Ideas are well developed and supported by exemplary details.
Organization
0 pts Nothing turned in, or nothing attempted
1 pt Form is obvious, but not entirely correct. Ideas are scattered throughout with no real coherence.
2 pts Form is obvious but not entirely correct. Most ideas are grouped together but there are some that stray.
3 pts Correct form is used. Ideas grouped together with only a few minor mistakes.
4 pts Correct form is used. Form enhances the writing. Ideas are grouped together for greated meaning.
Conventions
0 pts Nothing turned in, or nothing attempted
1 pt 8 or more mistakes per page.
2 pts 5-7 mistakes per page.
3 pts 4 mistakes per page.
4 pts 0-3 mistakes per page.
Word Choice
0 pts Nothing turned in, or nothing attempted
1 pt Strong words or descriptions are used sparingly. They are used incorrectly, or are not clear to the audience or the purpose.
2 pts Occasionally strong words and/or descriptions are used but they are not clear to the audience or the purpose of the work.
3 pts Strong words and descriptions used. Some words are above average and used appropriately throughout the work.
4 pts Strong words and descriptions throughout. Words are above average, and used appropriately throughout the work.
Sentence Fluency
0 pts Nothing turned in, or nothing attempted
1 pt Sentences do not vary, or relate from one to another. There are few transitions.
2 pts Few sentences vary in length. Few transitions between sentences, paragraps and ideas.
3 pts Sentences vary somewhat in length. Some transitions between sentences, paragraphs, and ideas.
4 pts Sentences vary in length. Transitions link sentences, paragraphs, and ideas. Sentences enhance the structure of the work.
Presentation
0 pts Nothing turned in, or nothing attempted
1 pt Font, spacing, text, and graphics are not appropriate for the text.
2 pts Font, spacing, text, or graphics are not completely appropriate for the text.
3 pts Correct font, spacing, text, and graphics are included as requestion but not completely appropriate at all times
4 pts Correct font, spacing, text, and graphics are included as requested and enhance the work.
11.24.2008
I love mindless daytime television. "Maury, I am positive that this man is the father of my three children! He needs to step up and be a man!" Fucking classic.
Listen, I understand that you've got three kids and can't pay your bills.... but why did you have three of them if you can't support them?
I would love to sit in on a show like this. It's... a freak show. It's all so crazy. I mean... a woman had a threesome with her husband and his best friend and she get's knocked up. Who's the Dad? Tell us, Maury! You shining beacon of truth, you!
It really makes me rethink the threesome thing. Ugh, it would be awful not knowing the father of my child. ACK! What if Chris were the father of my child!? Augh. Every idea is a bad idea.
Hmm, but not all ideas are not fun ideas.
Listen, I understand that you've got three kids and can't pay your bills.... but why did you have three of them if you can't support them?
I would love to sit in on a show like this. It's... a freak show. It's all so crazy. I mean... a woman had a threesome with her husband and his best friend and she get's knocked up. Who's the Dad? Tell us, Maury! You shining beacon of truth, you!
It really makes me rethink the threesome thing. Ugh, it would be awful not knowing the father of my child. ACK! What if Chris were the father of my child!? Augh. Every idea is a bad idea.
Hmm, but not all ideas are not fun ideas.
11.23.2008
Yo no soy una nena celosa. Nada de celos. NO TENGO CELOS. Por nada.
Es cierto, y te prometo que es la verdad. Soy una chiqui cariñosa, simpatica, amable....
Why do I have to remind myself of this?
I spoke words I never spoke before the other night. I want to be Rose. She is so different than Stephanie. She's just... so awkward. It's not to say she's a bad girl, but she's average.
In every endeavor, I strive to be Rose. I am Rose. I am confident, elegant, poised, witty, beautiful. Or am I? Am I even being true to myself, then?
But I love to hear it. I love to hear Him call it out full of lust and desire when we make love. I love to hear it from my classmates when they ask me a question. I love the sense of age and wisdom that I have attached to the name. I love to see myself as gentle and submissive upon first glance, only to reveal my hidden thorns at a later time.
I have told this man more than I have told my best friend. And while I yearn to tell him who I really am, I feel guilty. It isn't his responsibility to attend to me. I am an adult, and I haven't required a sitter for well over a decade.
She sits quietly, listening eagerly to the ticking of the clock that hung upon the wall. Her eyes wander from the screen in front of her to the remote on her right. To pick it up? To pick it up.
A vintage episode of some vintage show dulls my thought process momentarily. A coffee commercial. A chapstick commercial. A Thanksgiving Sale commercial. Is this really what my life has boiled down to? I thought I was destined for something greater.
Click! The television goes off. I am face with the silence around me, save the clock which passes my time for me. I should study. I should work on my Am. Lit. final. I should work on my Teacher's Portfolio. I should close this IM and get ready. I have to get ready. I have to be ready. I have to get ready for finals. I have to get ready for Vegas. I have to get ready to find a job. I have to be ready. I have to get ready.
I have to get happier. I have to arrange a lesson for tomorrow with Jack and Owen. I don't want to. I don't want to do any of this shit. None of it is fun. Is fun coming back? Or did it leave for good?
Woman seeking Ideal: 21 yo hopeless romantic seeks her knight to fetch her from her cold, stone fortress. Must enjoy games (board, video, and reindeer), poetry, cats, cuddling, Marijuana, and sex. Must have a sense of humor and desire a long-term commitment. The jealous may not apply.
Y para aclarar... NO TENGO CELOS!
My phone rings. It's Antonio. I do not answer. I don't pick up the phone for the dead.
To speak honestly.... I want a ring on my finger. I want to get married more than I want to finish school. I want the assurance that I'm not going to be left miserable and alone for the rest of my life.
Y a veces pienso que te quiero.... No. No puede ser. A parte de ser cariñosa y esa joda, soy fiel. Hasta el fin del mundo. Pero hay algunas veces en que te veo y olivido todo al menos de tus labios. Solamente un besito, na'a mas. Un besisisito.... Just one. Just a tiny little one. One so small that its enitre existance could be called into question.
How embarassing.
Yo no te quiero. No te quiero. Nopo. Por nada. Que estoy enamorada... que enamorada estoy. Y no de vos.
...Si un poco de vos.
Aunque yo lo amo hasta el dia que muero, yo te quiero. Hay un lugar sin limites en mi corazon para ti. Has abrido mi mente a pensmiento que nunca he experimentado, y aunque no me gusta la incerteza, me gusta como siento cuando estoy contigo.
How embarassing.
Now I'm nervous.
Es cierto, y te prometo que es la verdad. Soy una chiqui cariñosa, simpatica, amable....
Why do I have to remind myself of this?
I spoke words I never spoke before the other night. I want to be Rose. She is so different than Stephanie. She's just... so awkward. It's not to say she's a bad girl, but she's average.
In every endeavor, I strive to be Rose. I am Rose. I am confident, elegant, poised, witty, beautiful. Or am I? Am I even being true to myself, then?
But I love to hear it. I love to hear Him call it out full of lust and desire when we make love. I love to hear it from my classmates when they ask me a question. I love the sense of age and wisdom that I have attached to the name. I love to see myself as gentle and submissive upon first glance, only to reveal my hidden thorns at a later time.
I have told this man more than I have told my best friend. And while I yearn to tell him who I really am, I feel guilty. It isn't his responsibility to attend to me. I am an adult, and I haven't required a sitter for well over a decade.
She sits quietly, listening eagerly to the ticking of the clock that hung upon the wall. Her eyes wander from the screen in front of her to the remote on her right. To pick it up? To pick it up.
A vintage episode of some vintage show dulls my thought process momentarily. A coffee commercial. A chapstick commercial. A Thanksgiving Sale commercial. Is this really what my life has boiled down to? I thought I was destined for something greater.
Click! The television goes off. I am face with the silence around me, save the clock which passes my time for me. I should study. I should work on my Am. Lit. final. I should work on my Teacher's Portfolio. I should close this IM and get ready. I have to get ready. I have to be ready. I have to get ready for finals. I have to get ready for Vegas. I have to get ready to find a job. I have to be ready. I have to get ready.
I have to get happier. I have to arrange a lesson for tomorrow with Jack and Owen. I don't want to. I don't want to do any of this shit. None of it is fun. Is fun coming back? Or did it leave for good?
Woman seeking Ideal: 21 yo hopeless romantic seeks her knight to fetch her from her cold, stone fortress. Must enjoy games (board, video, and reindeer), poetry, cats, cuddling, Marijuana, and sex. Must have a sense of humor and desire a long-term commitment. The jealous may not apply.
Y para aclarar... NO TENGO CELOS!
My phone rings. It's Antonio. I do not answer. I don't pick up the phone for the dead.
To speak honestly.... I want a ring on my finger. I want to get married more than I want to finish school. I want the assurance that I'm not going to be left miserable and alone for the rest of my life.
Y a veces pienso que te quiero.... No. No puede ser. A parte de ser cariñosa y esa joda, soy fiel. Hasta el fin del mundo. Pero hay algunas veces en que te veo y olivido todo al menos de tus labios. Solamente un besito, na'a mas. Un besisisito.... Just one. Just a tiny little one. One so small that its enitre existance could be called into question.
How embarassing.
Yo no te quiero. No te quiero. Nopo. Por nada. Que estoy enamorada... que enamorada estoy. Y no de vos.
...Si un poco de vos.
Aunque yo lo amo hasta el dia que muero, yo te quiero. Hay un lugar sin limites en mi corazon para ti. Has abrido mi mente a pensmiento que nunca he experimentado, y aunque no me gusta la incerteza, me gusta como siento cuando estoy contigo.
How embarassing.
Now I'm nervous.
11.17.2008
11.12.2008
Upon reflection
I really do resent my father for his alcohol abuse. He is a humiliation and a constant source of dread. I no longer want him present at my wedding.
I'm not in love with myself anymore.
I'm not even sure if I'm in love with him right now.
I got told I was pretty tonight by someone other than Corey. Thank you, Joe. You have no idea how very much it means to me to hear.
I don't even know if I want to be married anymore.
I think I'd make a better sticker lady than a mother. But god damn do I want to try.
Extranio my espaniol. Quiero sentir como soy importante. Quiero quiero quiero quiero. Is it ever anything else? Selfish, silly, stupid girl.
There are parts of this blog that are so ridiculous. I wish I could have the heart to erase or edit some of it, but I can't. Every word I wrote is a reflection of who I was at the time of publication. I'm embarassed of the life I used to live. So shallow. So lacking in meaning.
I really do resent my father for his alcohol abuse. He is a humiliation and a constant source of dread. I no longer want him present at my wedding.
I'm not in love with myself anymore.
I'm not even sure if I'm in love with him right now.
I got told I was pretty tonight by someone other than Corey. Thank you, Joe. You have no idea how very much it means to me to hear.
I don't even know if I want to be married anymore.
I think I'd make a better sticker lady than a mother. But god damn do I want to try.
Extranio my espaniol. Quiero sentir como soy importante. Quiero quiero quiero quiero. Is it ever anything else? Selfish, silly, stupid girl.
There are parts of this blog that are so ridiculous. I wish I could have the heart to erase or edit some of it, but I can't. Every word I wrote is a reflection of who I was at the time of publication. I'm embarassed of the life I used to live. So shallow. So lacking in meaning.
11.07.2008
I have 51 hours to complete my American Lit essay (5-7).
I have 51 hours to complete my Creative Theory essay (5-6).
I have a class to teach on Thursday in Teaching Reading.
I am no longer employed.
Jack and Owen don't seem to be making any progress in reading.
It's kind of starting to mount up, all this pressure.
And I don't think I care anymore.
But I smoked a bowl with Joe last night.
And I got a bag.
So I've got ninty-nine problems. No bitches for any of them.
I have 51 hours to complete my Creative Theory essay (5-6).
I have a class to teach on Thursday in Teaching Reading.
I am no longer employed.
Jack and Owen don't seem to be making any progress in reading.
It's kind of starting to mount up, all this pressure.
And I don't think I care anymore.
But I smoked a bowl with Joe last night.
And I got a bag.
So I've got ninty-nine problems. No bitches for any of them.
11.03.2008
I have no idea why. Maybe I am the sinner that can never be saved.
This... guy. I write for him, knowing well he'll never read it, never realize how profound of an impact he has made on me.
This is absurd. Absolutely absurd! I hardly know this guy! All I know is his name, general living vicinity, and blog address, and he thinks he can come along and steal my interest? Hussy. You slut of a man.
You're just... intriguing. And adorable, we musn't forget that.
And you're not pathetic. You're a twenty-something, which is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. You're going to fuck up, just as I will, and Heather will, and Allan will. We're twenty-somethings, dude. Life is really beginning. We're bound to fuck up.
You're an awesome, considerate, intelligent person. Not to be cliche, dear, but...
"You'll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that life's a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.
And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)
KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!"
Seuss knows it too, and he's dead.
You'll get there. We all will.
And suddenly I wonder if I'm writing this to Joe anymore. I think this may be to Corey. I think it may even be to myself. Listen, Jones. You're a smart girl. You've got an incredibly bright mind and a great head on your shoulders. You're lost.
You're twenty.
You don't fit in? Fuck 'em. If they can't see you like you see yourself, then they aren't the people you want to be around anyway.
Maybe this is what confidence feels like. Knowing you're pretty much the shit? Well damn. It feels good.
This... guy. I write for him, knowing well he'll never read it, never realize how profound of an impact he has made on me.
This is absurd. Absolutely absurd! I hardly know this guy! All I know is his name, general living vicinity, and blog address, and he thinks he can come along and steal my interest? Hussy. You slut of a man.
You're just... intriguing. And adorable, we musn't forget that.
And you're not pathetic. You're a twenty-something, which is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. You're going to fuck up, just as I will, and Heather will, and Allan will. We're twenty-somethings, dude. Life is really beginning. We're bound to fuck up.
You're an awesome, considerate, intelligent person. Not to be cliche, dear, but...
"You'll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that life's a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.
And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)
KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!"
Seuss knows it too, and he's dead.
You'll get there. We all will.
And suddenly I wonder if I'm writing this to Joe anymore. I think this may be to Corey. I think it may even be to myself. Listen, Jones. You're a smart girl. You've got an incredibly bright mind and a great head on your shoulders. You're lost.
You're twenty.
You don't fit in? Fuck 'em. If they can't see you like you see yourself, then they aren't the people you want to be around anyway.
Maybe this is what confidence feels like. Knowing you're pretty much the shit? Well damn. It feels good.
8.28.2008
I've noticed something about myself on the first day of a new class. I'm more apt to find a quiet seat in the corner and (attempt to) look lethal. Atleast... that's what I believe I look like.
It's probably not even remotely close to lethal. I probably just look like a nerd. A nerd without a thing to talk about. Hehe... it's not like I even want to talk to these kids anyway. It's as if I'm too mature for these fools. Augh.
Goodbye. For now.
It's probably not even remotely close to lethal. I probably just look like a nerd. A nerd without a thing to talk about. Hehe... it's not like I even want to talk to these kids anyway. It's as if I'm too mature for these fools. Augh.
Goodbye. For now.
8.17.2008
It's funny how your fingers can lead you to the same places over and over again.
I guess.
I wish he could feel what I'm feeling right now. I've got this wonderful.... elation that isn't relatable by any means.... eh except by shrooms. Shrooms man. Fucking shrooms.
I would love to hear some Dennis Leary right now. I guess I'm not up for anything deep. Nothing too prying or philisophical. That.... blows. I wish Corey would feel this. I wish he could. Then again an empty stomach.
It's as if everything is in a great symphony. It's all taking hold of this digusting feeling in my stomach. I want to puke. Ugh.
And even though I know it's only been minutes since I pulled up this webpage to ramble on about life, it feels like centuries ago.
I dunno why I'm even inside! I better go. I want to go play on some swings. Or maybe that will make me puke.
The only thing keeping me from vomiting all over the place is this elation.
Hah. This should be an interesting read when I'm sober. ^_^*
I guess.
I wish he could feel what I'm feeling right now. I've got this wonderful.... elation that isn't relatable by any means.... eh except by shrooms. Shrooms man. Fucking shrooms.
I would love to hear some Dennis Leary right now. I guess I'm not up for anything deep. Nothing too prying or philisophical. That.... blows. I wish Corey would feel this. I wish he could. Then again an empty stomach.
It's as if everything is in a great symphony. It's all taking hold of this digusting feeling in my stomach. I want to puke. Ugh.
And even though I know it's only been minutes since I pulled up this webpage to ramble on about life, it feels like centuries ago.
I dunno why I'm even inside! I better go. I want to go play on some swings. Or maybe that will make me puke.
The only thing keeping me from vomiting all over the place is this elation.
Hah. This should be an interesting read when I'm sober. ^_^*
6.25.2008
Argentine Memoirs
Another perspective three years later
Did I ever imagine where I would be after my exchange ended? I guess not. All of this seems to be a surprise to me.
It is June 24th, and exactly three years ago today was my last day attending school in Argentina. I had decided to quit a full two weeks prior to my departure to pay respects and see all I could in my final days. I felt obligated to pay respect to the city that I had been reborn in.
My emotions ran deep that day. Even the memory of what I felt leaves me with a small lump in my throat. I remember recieving that beautiful note that was really nothing more than a standard A4 size sheet of grid paper. It was nothing extravagant, but every classmate had signed it and had left me a kind word, a joke, wishes for my future.
For some strange reason, it was Pia that broke my heart the most. I hadn't gotten to know Pia very well, but I wish I would have. She was collected, and had a definate 'Joe Cool' persona. In retrospect, I aspire to be more like her. She was so calm yet badass, her boyfriend was just as cool as her, and everyone liked her. She could always let the drama slide and it wouldn't touch her.
That day was the only day I saw Pia lose her composure. She cried and told me she would miss me.
I never did end up finishing that diary. Well, filling it I mean. The entries end on June 30th, a full 5 days before my departure.
Three years later... Here I sit in my 24 year old boyfriend's bed. We've been dating for (only) 7 months, but I've got a much better feeling about this one.
Everything happens for a reason. There is a reason Andres and I never came to be. All of the agony, happiness, rage, excitement, or depression I experienced that year built me and sculpted me into the person I am today. It is only through that exchange that I have realized how strong I am. I am intelligent. I am capable. What I did was a big deal, even though it still seems insignificant.
I am proud of who I am, and what I have accomplished. Because of my exchange, I have become fluent in Spanish, learned size and space conservancy (i.e.: "How am I supposed to fit a year of my life into two suitcases weighing less than 50 kilos?"), discovered hope within myself I never knew I had, and realized that no matter what people think of me, I'm a pretty cool person.
However, I am proudest of the fact that there are other people on the other side of the world that are never going to forget me, just as I will never forget them.
6.14.2008
Mother's Day. Father's Day. They're fickle holidays, that's for sure. They're so easily glossed over by the commercial hypes like Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays... even Halloween. But think back to what made those holidays special.
Done yet? Who bought your gifts? Made the special dinners? Helped you with your costumes? Who made every holiday the special day that it is?
Your Mom and Dad.
Here's to my Mom: This is for the woman whom I had sleepovers with every Saturday night (and the nights when storms would rattle the windows and my nerves). She has taught me that greatness is attainable regardless of age, and has helped me realized how great I already am. She made the dinners, mended Katie when she needed the repair, and played nurse when I fell ill.
For my Father: My DJ partner, my ignition starter. Everything from dying hair, to car repair. Flying kites, riding bikes, and all that homework from AP Psych. Waking up at 5 on Christmas morning. "Gardens" in the side yard made from tree and garden clippings buried in the dirt. The treehouse that was still standing the day we sold North Orchard....
Thank you...
Done yet? Who bought your gifts? Made the special dinners? Helped you with your costumes? Who made every holiday the special day that it is?
Your Mom and Dad.
Here's to my Mom: This is for the woman whom I had sleepovers with every Saturday night (and the nights when storms would rattle the windows and my nerves). She has taught me that greatness is attainable regardless of age, and has helped me realized how great I already am. She made the dinners, mended Katie when she needed the repair, and played nurse when I fell ill.
For my Father: My DJ partner, my ignition starter. Everything from dying hair, to car repair. Flying kites, riding bikes, and all that homework from AP Psych. Waking up at 5 on Christmas morning. "Gardens" in the side yard made from tree and garden clippings buried in the dirt. The treehouse that was still standing the day we sold North Orchard....
Thank you...
6.03.2008
It's almost 4 in the morning. It's June 3rd. Today is the day I'm supposed to go look at an apartment with Corey. What the hell happened? I'm a wreck. I've been crying for the past hour. I feel incredibly alone.
I write this from his family's computer in their basement.
...He wants to go to sleep. I really can't blame him or anything, but I really wish that he would wake up and hold me in his arms and to tell me that everything will be okay.
Oh this guilt. This incredible guilt. My parents devoted 20 years of their lives to me... and will continue to give me all that they've got. What for? I've got nothing to give them in return. How am I supposed to just pack all the shit that they've gifted to me over the years and pretty much say "Thanks for raising me, but I gotta go now."? It's so heartless...
And as silly as all of that is, the next one is really a doozy. What about Phillip, whom I have raised since he was 8 weeks old? I don't know how much longer he'll be around either... he's aging as all of us inevitably do... but I feel like I'm abandoning him. I can't just leave him.
I feel like I'm abandoning my childhood.
And the reality is that I don't want to leave it. I want to be in my bed, curled up in my own blankets, smelling the cool familiar comforts of my home. I want to be with my Mom, who cares so much for me.
I want to patch things with my father, but the alcohol is one hell of a hurdle. Things won't ever be the same as they were when I was younger. Daddy loved me.... Oh my god did he love me.
And so I leave all of this behind? I... no. There's got to be another way.
I'm scared shitless, and there isn't anything that can be done. It's part of life. But the Spring was so good....
Querido Señor, quien esta en el cielo....
Dame la fuerza para ser la mujer que me espera. Dame la luz para ver que camino tengo que tomar. Y por favor, mi Padre, dame todo el amor que me puede dar. Ayudame para ver las oporunidades que me dio, cualquier si estan muy lejos en la futura, o si estan al frente de mi ahora mismo. Quiero su ayuda, su direccion, su amor.
Please God.
I write this from his family's computer in their basement.
...He wants to go to sleep. I really can't blame him or anything, but I really wish that he would wake up and hold me in his arms and to tell me that everything will be okay.
Oh this guilt. This incredible guilt. My parents devoted 20 years of their lives to me... and will continue to give me all that they've got. What for? I've got nothing to give them in return. How am I supposed to just pack all the shit that they've gifted to me over the years and pretty much say "Thanks for raising me, but I gotta go now."? It's so heartless...
And as silly as all of that is, the next one is really a doozy. What about Phillip, whom I have raised since he was 8 weeks old? I don't know how much longer he'll be around either... he's aging as all of us inevitably do... but I feel like I'm abandoning him. I can't just leave him.
I feel like I'm abandoning my childhood.
And the reality is that I don't want to leave it. I want to be in my bed, curled up in my own blankets, smelling the cool familiar comforts of my home. I want to be with my Mom, who cares so much for me.
I want to patch things with my father, but the alcohol is one hell of a hurdle. Things won't ever be the same as they were when I was younger. Daddy loved me.... Oh my god did he love me.
And so I leave all of this behind? I... no. There's got to be another way.
I'm scared shitless, and there isn't anything that can be done. It's part of life. But the Spring was so good....
Querido Señor, quien esta en el cielo....
Dame la fuerza para ser la mujer que me espera. Dame la luz para ver que camino tengo que tomar. Y por favor, mi Padre, dame todo el amor que me puede dar. Ayudame para ver las oporunidades que me dio, cualquier si estan muy lejos en la futura, o si estan al frente de mi ahora mismo. Quiero su ayuda, su direccion, su amor.
Please God.
3.12.2008
I am very upset with you right now. Please don't try to talk to me. Please don't try to say I am being unreasonable.
Your best friend thinks I'm taking you away from him when I have done absolutely nothing to hold you back from being with him. I have offered time and time again for the two of you to have a night to yourselves, and you say you want to be with me. So why is he attacking me? Someone must be telling half truths about how we spend our time.
You bring over your friends to show off MY possesions to pass them off as your own and invite me to join in as an afterthought?
My thought: fuck you. I am done trying right now.
Your best friend thinks I'm taking you away from him when I have done absolutely nothing to hold you back from being with him. I have offered time and time again for the two of you to have a night to yourselves, and you say you want to be with me. So why is he attacking me? Someone must be telling half truths about how we spend our time.
You bring over your friends to show off MY possesions to pass them off as your own and invite me to join in as an afterthought?
My thought: fuck you. I am done trying right now.
1.02.2008
These nights are so dark,
but these days are so much darker.
Weakness is filling me to the brim and I am
overflowing with
regret
despair
loneliness
but it all seems so normal.
Riddle me,
were there once days I didn't know this?
This pillow is has miniscule circles
to mark each tear that has fallen
tonight alone.
Again alone.
No sound outside.
My mind is racing and pacing
with these tedious tasks that tell
me what I know what I should do,
but credit goes to those who deserve it.
Not me. Not worth it.
To hear a voice speak of my beauty...
is flattering, but to hear myself say it
.... I feel like I've waited all my life to hear it.
Could I miss the me I don't remember
or the me I never met?
Alone again with my head on this pillow
staring into space
making circular stains
that won't even last until morning.
but these days are so much darker.
Weakness is filling me to the brim and I am
overflowing with
regret
despair
loneliness
but it all seems so normal.
Riddle me,
were there once days I didn't know this?
This pillow is has miniscule circles
to mark each tear that has fallen
tonight alone.
Again alone.
No sound outside.
My mind is racing and pacing
with these tedious tasks that tell
me what I know what I should do,
but credit goes to those who deserve it.
Not me. Not worth it.
To hear a voice speak of my beauty...
is flattering, but to hear myself say it
.... I feel like I've waited all my life to hear it.
Could I miss the me I don't remember
or the me I never met?
Alone again with my head on this pillow
staring into space
making circular stains
that won't even last until morning.
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