I swear while walking to school I heard a man say "Mommy drank some poison last night so now she´s at home and...I dunno...ironing." I know I´m mistaken, but it was so funny.

After this weekend I´m no longer thinking in spanish. I have no will to try. I don´t want to do anything. I just want to speak english and sometimes I want to go home. It´s kinda like an infection on your heart. It´s gets all festered up and bleeds, but when it closes up it only hurts little. I cry myself to sleep sometimes.

Then factor in that I´m in LOVE!

I don´t like to hurt, but it´s bound to happen. You can´t go through life void of pain, and if you could, would you want to? It´d be boring.

I´m convinced not to let boys ruin my year, but every once in a while.... I almost screamed at Elias last night. He was talking to his girl, and I was VERY jealous.

Te odio.... I hate you so much. I can´t stand you! QUIERO VOS A MORIR! TE ODIO!" I swallowed the words back, but it was hard.I´ll never have normal feelings.

But love is normal, right?

Class today was aimless too. These leisurely days are nice. Hay un chico...Joli dice yo penso el es lindo...JA! Sí, ella es correcto...otra vez! Puta de mierda....

Chau.

I really hate sundays. We never do anything overly significant, but Grandma and Grandpa come over.I really don´t like them. Aparently whenever I open my mouth it means I want to learn something. This however, is NOT the case. He pisses me off a bit.

I´ve learned to just shut up while he´s around.

After they go home the 5 of us aimlessly wander around the house. No one goes anywhere,and rarely does anyone come over, except for Leti, but she´s always there. Her and Ariel need to hurry up, get married and move out. This shit is annoying.

Sundays usually mean war over the computer too. Since there really isn´t anything to do, the computer is a divine device. Ariel is convinced it is his computer because it was in storage in his room. If anyone dares ask for thecomputer, they get they´re head chewed off. I´ve learned to just fuck it and go down to the cyber.

But school is tomorrow,and that´s good. More stuff to do. This week went by too fast. I wish everyone could stay in Puerto Madryn for another week. Those classmates who stayed behind, I´ve become very closewith. I never thought I´d be overly close with Mika,but she´s probably my best girl friend here. Peoples true colors have come out, and I love it.

Fede was worried about me becasue he saw cuts on my hands from the cat. He thought that I was self inflicting it, so he watches me really close now. He drew a picture of a horse for me a while back and it´s hanging above my bed. He´s a very talented artist.

Santiago...I always thought he was so annoying, but now, he´s not so bad after all. He´s a good kid, and a great guitar player.

Fer is awesome without Anto around.

Pablo may never talk, but he´s so fun!

The wonder twins...they´ll never change. They´re still cute losers.

Agus is a tease. I like greeting him themost because you never know what he´ll do. You lean in for a kiss from him and he´ll turn his head or pretend to sneeze. It´s cute, but annoying.

Negro is sensitive and very easily provoked. I found that out while he started challenging the wonder twins to fights.

The last girl I can´t remember her name, but she´s nice and brought maté on Friday. She never talks.

So that´s the 11 of us, excluding me of course. But you know me. I love these classmates now. They´re great.

Three entries, three days. Be proud.

Yesterday my friend Mika and I wanted to go out dancing together, but we had two different clubs to go to for parties...or so we thought.

While walking to the bathroom, I was grabbed...by Mika! I met her cousin in real life for the first time. We had been talking on the internet and he was nice, and spoke english. He was cute. Beautiful eyes.

Over the music, Mika shouted in my ear "Das el un beso!"

I smiled. "What did she say?" He asked me in english.

"She said for me to kiss you."

He looked at me like 'Do you want to?'

I shrugged and I kissed him. It wasn´t only a kiss. It escalated into more, and this morning I have a mark on my neck to remember him by.

But we´ll see how things go...but he gave me my first real kiss here.

Today was actually one of the best days I´ve had in a long time, and probably the best day I´ve had since I arrived. Since school has to go on while my classmates are in Puerto Madryn, the 11 of us who stayed behind (of a class of well over 100) are required to go to school and stay, but we honestly do nothing. For example, today we stayed in the classroom for maybe 10 minutes until we went outside. It was a nice day, in the mid-70´s. The 11 of us sat in a mis-shapen circle, drinking maté, swaping stories, soaking in the morning and early afternoon sun, and my friend Santiago played the guitar for us. He would try to play as many songs that were in english as possible so that I could sing too. But there we were, the 11 of us sitting in that circle and talking and finally for the first time, we understood everyone else, and I´m not talking about a language barrier. When someone would speak, they would listen. It was very respectable. I´ve not seen anything like it. Argentines are always talking to each other and being what Americans would call ´rude´. So today was a good day. A great day. I even kissed my brother. To top the day off, I´m going to go to the disco with Ariel, Leti, and Joli. Joli is depressed I think, Mamí seemed VERY angry when I asked her what was wrong. Maybe that´s just not something you do here, but my classmates are constantly asking me if anything is wrong. It can´t be. You know those lines in your hands, people call them lifelines because those are what´s read when you get your palms read. Well I have a bug bite RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF ONE OF MY LIFELINES. So I can´t move my hand. Period. It´s annoying shit, man.

But I´m pretty sure I made a mistake. A boy in my class named Fer is great friends with Elias and all his other friends. They were in the same class last year, but Fer was held back. But anyway, I told Fer who I like, kind of on a blackmail scam. My friend Mika said that I "live with him". BECAUSE EVEN THEN IT´S HARD TO TELL. I live with two guys, come on man.

But they´re out getting drunk, and I´m nearly positive that he´s gonna tell. Fer can never keep his mouth shut for more than a required two minutes. I don´t want to live under the same roof if he finds out. How uncomfortable for the BOTH of us. I don´t want him miserable.

I was listening to music last night, as always and found a song.

Backbeat the word was on the street

That the fire in your heart is out

I'm sure you've heard it all before

But you never really had a doubt

I don't believe that anybody feels

The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding

And all the lights that lead us there are blinding

There are many things that I would

Like to say to you but I don't know how

Because maybe

You're gonna be the one who saves me?

And after all

You're my wonderwall

Is it possible the I can relax and shy away from boys until I´m over culture shock?! A boy in my class texted his girlfriend with my cell phone (Yes, I have a cell phone) and it hurt when she reponded because she responded to me. It sucked to see all this 'I love you' shit addressed to someone other than me. I know that by doing this I´m only setting myself up for more heartbreak, and god knows it´s the lat thing I need right now. If I knew a way to stop I would. Kinda like cutting. I hate this. I hate sitting in class, doing nothing, and leaving the world up to my imagination. I have an over-active imagination as is, but when you add another language I think they´re talking about me. A kid in the corner of the class was making noises. Like there´s this one noise my Dad will make when he´s tired, it´s like smacking his lips, and the kid was making that noise. I looked down at my desk smiling, but inside my head, I was crying, and I could hear myself say "Papiiiiii...!". I can´t believe how much I miss my Dad. I blinked rapidly, but I didn´t care anymore. So I put the hood up on my coat and cried. It upsets me a lot that he´s....just not here. I never thought I´d miss my Dad like this. I need a hug. I need to take my contacts out. I need to go up to my room and cry. So I´m signing out and doing just that.

Things seem so dark and dismal in the USA right now. I feel like there is this looming cloud over the USA, and something is going to happen. Something bad. My cousins are having a hard time in TC. Their mother just divorced and they were moved from their school 45 minutes away to a new school. Hannah cries everyday in class. They´re so young...how could anyone make them feel like this. Anyway, I wrote them a note. My little loves, Change is hard, and I know that just as much as you do. It´s scary going into things blindly, not knowing what to do or expect. I´m writing this to you from thousands of miles away from you right now. I´m scared. I don´t know what to do. It´s normal to be scared, and I´m so proud of you for being so brave. I love you both more than I could ever explain. You have brought me so much joy. Be strong you guys. You´ll make it. School will get better and so will life. Everbody has adjustment issues, but I feel like crying all the time. My heart hurts. I´m carrying this burden of missing home and then you factor in my unexpected falling in love, and I can´t take it anymore. Today is the first day of spring. It´s treated much like New Years is in the USA. My brothers both went out. So did my friends. Joli and I stayed home drinking mate and speaking english. I wish I would have gone out though. It´s not like I have another spring time here. When Joli and I went to the mall today, there was a woman floating around in a fairy costume playing the chimes to welcome spring. Kinda cool. Everyone is so excited to be away from winter, but winter isn´t winter without snow to me. I´ve crossed the one month mark. It scares me to think that I only have three more months with this family. I can´t move. I can´t. I love this family as my own. Like I was born into it. I forget that I wasn´t born by this mother and share common DNA with my siblings. God I hurt right now! Sometimes I wonder how I´ll make it. Even if I´ll make it. I know that in only 10 months I´ll look back on this and say "I did it!", but right now that road of uncertainty is so dark. I´m so lost and scared. All I want to do is get out of the storm of emotions and feel normal again. I remember being so upset that this family was my first. They didn´t seem interested in me at all. But now...now I am convinced I am the luckiest girl in the entire world because I´m with them.

Ayer, en clases estaron un chiste. No hacemos nada, excepto en clase de Literatura, pero tengo 4 clases mas. Me senté en mi silla TODO EL DIA y mandé mensajes de text a Joli. Ella le gusta mucho Juan. Pues...estoy contento porque ella esta contenta.

Pero ayer, tuvimos un conversacion, y todo palabra en castellano. Estoy orgullosa.

Mi compañeros me preguntan quien no me gust. Al principo, me gusta todo.Todos fueron muy simpaticos, pero ahora...dos chicas. Odio estar con ellas.

¿Cual es la fecha de hoy? Wow, 14 de Septiembre. En 4 dias esta mi un mes aniversario. No puedo creerio. No parecer real.. A veces quiero volver a E.E. U.U. pero casi siempre quiero estar aca. Me gusta mi familia, me gusta mi casa....todo esta bien.

I had one of the wierdest dreams last night. I had confessed my love to Andres and I think a boy kissed me aand he saw. I went to school on Monday and he wasn´t there, but there was a note from him on my desk. It was a story about boys all over the world killing themselves for the girls they love. It also explained that he had gone to Chicago because he hurt too much to be around me. He said he would have killed himself, but then he wouldn´t know what would happen with me.

Yeah, fucked up.

Elias and I were walking to school today and these two dogs followed us. They started doing it right in front of us. I was so humiliated.

Joli had her first date in years last night. We recently had a conversation that we hate Ariel´s girlfriend because she is first priority in his life. It should be Mamí first, Joli, Tefi, Me, and then Leti, his girlfriend.

But anyway she had a date and now I´m jealous. Before, it felt like I was first priority in her life and now I feel put to the side....she has a boyfriend to worry about now. Ariel comes to the house to sleep and eat (sometimes not even that), otherwise he´s at work or with her. That bitch stole my brother, now my sister is being stolen! So help me god if he hurts her, I´ll be put in jail.

Saturday I went out with Joli, Ariel, Joli´s friends, Pato, and Alexis (Both boys and friends of my brother). While my sister was dancing with some of her friends, I was drinking with the boys. So imagine this: A 16 year old girl with a beer in her hand, and three 21 year olds holding the same and dancing with her. It was sexy. Pato and Ariel both got sick before we reached home. Ariel had a bad hang-over, and for drinking as much as I did, I escaped unscathed...with only a mild headache.

My word for today is reír. I means ´to laugh´.

Yesterday may have sucked a lot, but today...so awesome. Andres said he´d call me for a date.

Lots happened today. For example I was sitting in class and around 8:50 am, my desk started shaking. I told the guy in front of me to stop, but he wasn´t doing it. The floor trembled, and the cieling fans started swaying. I grabbed my dictionary and frantically looked for the word I wanted. Terremoto by the way; means earthquake.

We were rushed downstaits and outside. When I saw Elias and his friends in the schoolyard, they laughed at my scared face.I can´t blame them...but Jesus, I was a scared little chicky.

I´m sorry professor, but I can´t pay attention right now.

Karen went back to Chilecito yesterday and while we promised to visit each other, it felt like I was never going to see her again and it was really hard to let her go. I´m clinging to something familiar right now....a friend. Sure, there are people here who would call themselves my friends but honestly what do they know about me? They´ve known me for three weeks.

There´s this one girl in my class who is totally playing the ´buddy-buddy´ card on me. I don´t think she even likes me. It´s like a popularity ploy. She´s all over every guy in class including my beloved Andres. She´s dirty and I can´t stand her!

I don´t think I´ve had a normal feeling day since I´ve arrived here. For exapmle right now, I want out so bad, but if given the opportunity I wouldn´t take it.

Karen and I went grocery shopping. Her town is small, meaning her supermarcados aren´t nearly as large as my city´s. We found Oreos and M&M´s and American hair things...It was nice.

Rotary weekend was fun. Met a redneck, had an interest, he was scum, made it go away. Ta da. Simple.

My friend had to come home with me because she´s catching a bus to her city tonight at 11:30 pm. I´m glad she´s here though. I traveled from Chicago on with her. It´s nice to know we´re in the same district. If I couldn´t see her again, I´d be upset. So I have her for the rest of the night!!!

I´m dying to play DDR right now....

Wow. I totally have nothing to say. I´m out then. Love and hugs.

The letter to my mother:

So what´s up? School is starting soon up there. Wednesday I hear?

I´m pretty excited for my Rotary weekend tomorrow. I don´t really want to go out this weekend anyway. I don´t want to be dead on Sunday again. When I´m really tired, I completely space on spanish and in english. Like when my brother had to wake me up, apparently I ´screamed at him in english´. Yeah. Whatever, you crazy.....

People at my school are still in the pointing and whispering phase of this whole....thingy. I can´t think at all today. I nearly fell asleep in class. My english teacher wouldn´t have cared. She says if your fluent or if you try hard, then you´ll get an A in the class. She thinks it´s a joke that I´m required to take English. She said that if I want to use my english class for study time or whatever, she´ll give me credit. I like her. She´s nice to me.

I think I shocked my host Mom when she came home after 2 days of being gone, and I was actually talkative, and saying nothing in english. She´s starting to speed up her words, and she doesn´t realize she does it I´m sure, but it kinda sucks. I don´t like the spanish word for slower. I think I sound dumb when I say it. Despacio....arg.

One thing I´ve noticed about some of the boys here (my age) are so secure in their sexuality, they will do anything in their power to try and convince people they are gay. American boys don´t go around with arms around each other to try to freak you out. To them, it´s like another game of "tease the yank". Lots of games are like that.

I have gym today. Woot.

I´m not dreaming in spanish yet, but when I think (oh wow...WHEN I think...) it´s in half english and half spanish. It´s pretty screwed up. My sister thinks it´s funny. Yeah, haha Joli. Brat.

I held my first conversation yesterday night. It was about how I was adjusting and stuff and the differences between American schools and Argentine schools. Big differences.

Yesterday I was so fed up with my classmates. They were disrespecting the teacher something wretched, so out of anger I wrote in my notebook: "Todos al dias, oigo palabras no comprendo. Pero tu puedes. Escuchen." (YAY!) It translates to "Everyday, I hear words I don´t understand, but you can. Just listen." I just kept quiet though. I didn´t want to say anything and get laughed at again because I sound like a Yank.

Mmmmhmmm so I´ve run out of interesting witting things to say, so! I´ll end it here!

Love ya,

Steph

The stuff I left out:

That today was really....I dunno.

There´s some stuff I don´t even want to put in here for fear that someone will tell someone else or something like that. I know that I´m safe putting shit in my diary because let´s face it...Eli,Ariel, Mamí, and Maria don´t speak english. Joli, my sister, doesn´t go into my room without my permisson, and even then she´s apprehensive.

I finally got to talk to Rini and Alex. It was so great to hear them. I´m sure I sounded dumb laughing and sobbing on the phone at the same time (I know that my brother Ariel stared at me for a while). Sorry guys, but it was so great. I´m buying another calling card today so I can call them again.

I should buy some fun nail polish. Like purple or dark blue. I don´t have anything except for black.

Oh yeah. Sorry about the lapse in entries. I hope this entry (which is longer than usual) will satisfy your hunger. Graaaawl.

There´s this one part in the movie dumb and dumber that makes me laugh everytime,but I heard it in spanish and nearly pissed myself.

"He´s dead."

"Who´s dead?"

"Petey."

"What? Oh...how´d he die?"

"::sobs:: His head fell off!"

"His what?!"

"::sob:: Yeah, he was pretty old."

HAHAHAHAAAA! Yeah!