She thinks she's baddass, the way she paints her nails black and puts her hair up in a ponytail on the top of her head. She's nothing more than a bitchy prep in her jeans and white cotton babydoll shirt. Fucking whore. Stay away...

I wonder how Dan is. I haven't seen him since Friday or talked to him since Sunday night. Val says we're going to go see him at West's Band-O-Rama. I really hope we can go, but with pit orchestra for musical and us entere hell week, it's starting to look shaky.

Linton and I haven't had a real conversation since Homecoming. Apparently a couple of girls and a guy were getting it on in the back seat of his truck. They got cum on his seats.

I just don't understand. He's so serious lately. Maybe it's hitting him that he won't be coming back next fall and he's a senior. He has to buy his cap and gown this week. That might be it, but why do I doubt it so much?

Four days until Kendall moves. I've been working on a poem which is commemorating our friendship. It's going slowly. I don't know if I'll have it done.

I'm looking at new flutes online and this little one, is the one it looks like I'll end up getting. I already have a name picked out for her if it happens to be mine. I'll release the name when she's mine.

Ciao.

Tim is so complicated. I really want to be friends with him. I even told him about that one thing that happened last May, but it seems like he wants nothing to do with me, and truthfully, it’s tearing me apart. One minute, he appears to care and be my friend, the next he appears to like me more than just a friend, then the next he seems like he wants nothing to do with me.

Great, I can’t explain. Oh I’m perfectly capable, but my mother wants the computer. Goodnight then.

I’m really glad I got to talk to Dan again, because he confessed how much he likes me.

I got my Hello Kitty ring in the mail finally. It’s certainly not up to the quality I expected, but it’s cute none the less. Rick is wrong when he says I’m in love with Hello Kitty. Try obsessed.

Val and I are planning a movie marathon at her house on the 7th since we don’t have school that day. Rick, Tim, Mina, Dan, Dan’s friend, Megan, and Miciah are all invited. We’re going to gather around a 16” TV and watch movies. ~Giggles~ How much fun!

I keep on giggling uncontrollably! Why?! Oh, probably because of Dan. I’m becoming almost like a girly girl. Oh no….

I left my flute at the football game. Thank god it was in our warm up area and in its case. But poor Chibi Annie. Not to mention poor me! I’m gonna get my ass chewed off by my conductor. It’s amazing how absent-minded I became when Dan gave me his e-mail address. I’m regressing in my maturity.

Time to watch the World Series. C’mon Yankees! Make me proud!

We lost to our cross town rivals, the Titans. That's really too bad. The senior's sophmore year, we won with 3 seconds on the clock to spare. It was truely an amazing victory that year.

Six days until Fuka leave. What in the world am I gonna do without her?
I remember the day I met her. She was in Ms. Sheeran's class, and I'd never seen her before. She looked lonely, so went over. "Welcome to hell, I mean East. I'm Stephanie." She smiled at me.

We never said '"let's be friends", it just happened that's all. And now here I am, worrying about her leaving to the point of I can't sleep at night anymore. It's driving me mad.

I'll get her a frame, with our picture in it. Of course I'll have one too, but she probably won't look at it every night and cry because we did so much together, but so much we didn't.

It was an amazing thing being at a pre-game get together with our cross town rival's marching band and who am I to stumble upon but my 2nd grade crush. It was amazing to get and see each other again. We've seen each other a few times at the Omelette Shoppe, but we've not been ceratin enough to say anything.

Of course this isn't good enough to see Dan Mills, my 2nd grade crush, but as soon as Dan Mills' moved away in the second grade I fell for a kid named Dan Hienzelman up until the 4th grade, when he left. Mills' pointed him out to me and I nearly choked on my cookie. Hienzelman plays cymbals and Mills' plays in the pit percussion on the bells.

I'm happy to report I now have Mills' e-mail address.

Tonight at the party, I noticed Tom was walking around outside in the yard while rain was drizzling down. I pulled on my marching shoes and went outside. He wasn't feeling well. He ate too fast.

I sat in a dry spot. "Do you know?"

"Know what?" He stopped pacing and looked at me.

"Nevermind, you'd know what I was talking about." I said smiling.

"Well? What are you talking about? I might know."

We continued to use pronouns and talk in circles until he said "So I know it involves us both."

"Yes, but it's bad for me. I'll be exchanging next year and if I told you, I'd make an ass out of myself here and now, then nothing would come of it. That's not overly fun." I said.

"Well, if it's what I'm thinking of, then it's not overly good for either of us that your going overseas, and both of us would end up as asses." He said smiling.

And it turns out he did know. He's glad he knows I have developed a bit of a...thing I suppose you could say, for him. He says he 'admires upfront qualities'. I don't call it an upfront quality, I call it someone who can't keep their own damn secrets.

this time we stood outside, in the rain, in the cold, leaning against a fence. Talking about random things here and there.

But it leaves more questions than it did before I told him. Does he return these feelings? Now what? How is this going to effect the friendship we have going now if he doesn't like me back? What if this friendship we have goes to complete shit? Besides, does he really even want to deal with me? Maybe he doesn't even consider me as a friend.... Is it incredibly flaky to be after his brother for about a month, then profess my feelings?

So tonight was out last game. I know it's most likely not true, but I feel as if I have grown so much because of marching. I've been able to maintain a mostly sunny attitude towards life and made new friends along the way.

Have I changed? Maybe. But until I know, I'll still be Annie.

This is kinda surreal. I'm sitting in a college library and coincidentally, next to Rick. It's kinda fun to look over at him, typing in random things, and I really wonder what he's writing, and wonder if it's of any use to me.

I'm certainly dressed like I belong here today. No Rick, I don't want to listen to your music! But anyway, today's outfit consists of mostly black. Anyway who cares?

I keep on thinking about that skeleton and how I really insisted a decoration hung itself.

It's a damp and dreary day. If today wouldn't have been so good it'd be a suicide night. Or atleast attempted, but it was good day. The weekend is coming, by some stroke of good fortune I finished my homework by first hour and it wasn't incomplete or late, the rain/snow stopped when we went outside to march, lunch consisted of cheese sticks, soda, and candy, I got out of work early and it was pretty nice, then dad proceeded to drop me off here! It's more fun than staying at home and boring myself until death parts from my body.

Getting over dramatic, my cue to leave.

What is this guys problem?! I am so sick of being liked by guys I'm willing to run away from it all!

The school store has their Halloween display up in the window. A skeleton was hanging from a noose. "They killed themself," I decided. "The frame is small, and I've never heard of overly large people committing sucicide.

Then I stopped in my tracks and nearly slapped myself because I realized that I was saying how a Halloween decoration killed themself.

"Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

Dorothy Parker

God I love Zavy, he's just so funny. He's telling me about how he spent 50 dollars on hats....

Sigh and yay for getting all my exchange student forms in. I'm so glad to hear that I was the first person to get thier forms turned in and they were the most thourough they've seen in years. I'm in. Yeah baby.

Christ, I can't focus. Why? Oh, yeah, it may be the fact of getting new games on my graphing calculator. Thanks Rick. ^_^*

It seems as if I'm continuing to get more random the farther this year progresses. Valerie called me at about 4:30, asking me if I wanted to go see a movie. I said sure, but I had to be home by 9. No problem.

So we went to both cinemas in town and nothing was playing that we wanted to see until either 7 or 9. So we were driving around in her car and saying 'now what?'

Next thing that pops up is "Hey, let's go visit Tim!" Valerie is a little shaky about this, but I convince her to turn onto the road.

Tim showed us his horse, his cat, his sister (dear god she's adorable), his dog, and his truck. Well, I already knew about the truck. I decided to sit in the bed of it when we were talking. He lives on a farm, so it's really no wonder why his body is built the way it is.

I'd love to live on a farm, and with it being such a nice night and all, I was really jealous about him living on a farm. I wanted to live there too! All the stars are out tonight, and it's the exact kind of night I would want to have a boyfriend and have those innocent kisses without even thinking about sex or making out. That used to be all I thought about actually, but recently I find it kinda gross.

After that, we decided to go to dinner, but make a quick pit stop at her Grandma's house. Okay, so it really wasn't a quick pit stop. We spent 45 minutes there, talking about random stuff.

Dinner consisted to Pizza Hut and talking about Rick. How angry she is at him for always talking about me; how great I am and such. Truthfully, I'm getting sick of hearing it too. Right now, I want to hear how pretty I am and how much I mean to them from one person right now. Is that so much to ask?

"I just want to be friends." He says. I have enough friends. I have friends enough to keep me happy. I get 1-3 phone calls a night, even if they are mostly from the same person, that's enough to keep me happy. I don't want another friend, I want someone to contemplate the rest of my life with.

I'm honestly beginning to think it will never happen. To think that my love that is supposed to be out there somewhere and will one day come and be mine forever really got tired of waiting too. Maybe he's just like me; suicidal. Maybe he actually pulled it off. Damn you husband, how can you do it? Leave me here to rot and wonder what you were like in life.

Fuka jotted me a quick note the other day.

Annie,

Hi. I wanted to write you a letter. So I am. There is 13 days left (10 now...) and I'm really excited, but sad. There is a really big part of me that is scared. Scared that out friendship will wither away after I move. Even if it doesn't I wanted to let you know, you've changed my life. When I moced up here, my heart was bleak. There was void in my life where I needed a true friend. You filled that spot. Even when I was younger I was always lonely, looking for someone to trust. You have helped me open up my heart and learn to trust. For that I am forever greatful.

So if our friendship does not stand the move and you going to Italy, and the chnages yet to come, I wanted you to know that you will forever be in my heart....

I cried. I don't want her gone. She's my sister. I can't live without my sister. How am I going to live without her? My stomach is getting sick just thinking about it.

Ten days. Don't leave me Fuka.... I love you.

I really do like those band parties, they just seem to end too soon, and I can never just sit down and watch stuff go by. I have to be in it all, to be the entertainent. No one likes me for it. I swear that when I turn around, I can hear Allison talking to the nearest person about how she doesn't like me. I'm not your standard girl though. I can have fun, but I flirt like something terrible, and I think it honestly pisses them off to no end.

It just doesn't make sense. Kyle flirts more than I do, but so many people like him. He's just got some really likeable personality. There's just something about me that's so dislikeable.

"It's so wierd to hear you being called Annie." Tom says. "To me you've always been Stephanie. I like it better."

"Then call me Stephanie." I said shivering. We were sitting outside on the house's lawn waiting for our ride. I sat quietly. "Do you ever want to say something, but you know you probably shouldn't because it'll make people think about something you don't want them to know?"

He opened his mouth to talk, but a band member came out of the house and started his car. He never gave me an answer.

This sucks, I have to work at 9 am. I'm going to be up for a while. This not telling Tom what I think about him is going to keep me up. I'll think of how I could have handled it a million times over.

I have to tell myself that this is indeed a god thing. I can continue to be his friend without mutual awkward moments, not worry about wandering eyes....

As much as it pains me, I need to be single and stay that way. For god sake, I'm going overseas in 9 months. That's just terrible to do to someone. If I find true love, then it will be here when I get home. If I find someone overseas, I'm pretty screwed, but if it's true, it'd work itself out.

Please God, help me get through this.

From stolen shit to random acts of mindlessness, this has been a busy week. Though my ramblings certainly won’t prove this, I haven’t even had time to eat.

I suppose I’ll start with Tuesday. I put my purse on the counter not five feet from my Science work station, and by the end of the hour, my wallet was completely empty. There was nothing left in my wallet at all, not even my license. All my money for the week, my hard earned tips from work, was gone. No more money or driving for Annie.

Wednesday was relatively uneventful except for filling out a police report (the office made me do it). Valerie and I got into a fight the night before since all she was talking about was Rick and it made me uncomfortable. I asked her to change the subject or else I wasn’t going to be about to talk to her anymore, and she took that as some sort of ‘I don’t like you’ clause. Tim, Caleb and I were sitting outside eating lunch (except me, he didn’t bring my ID card that I gave to him on Saturday night). Tim gets up and says he needs to go to his truck. Caleb laughs a short, dry, almost jealous laugh.

“What?” I asked.

“I promised him I wouldn’t say anything.” Caleb said.

I sat on the bench, picking at my black nail polish and not five minutes later, Tim approaches me with a hand behind his back. He puts his fist out front which is clutching a pink, long stemmed rose.

gasped. “What’s this for? It’s so pretty!”

You’ve been stressed a lot lately, and I wanted to get you something to cheer you up.” He said.

“Thank you very much!” I said smiling my sweetest smile.

I hung up my rose to dry in my room. When it dries completely, I’m going to hang it from my ceiling.

Yesterday was the day from hell. Valerie was still pissed at me and found out somehow about my cuts on my wrist. She had the absolute greatest opportunity to ruin my life, but I’m damn lucky we were able to sort things out before she was able to accomplish this.

So Valerie and I were on good terms to the end of the day, Rick has the new nickname of ‘stick boy’, and my Thespian meeting rounded it off. I suppose the whole thing wasn’t so bad, just up until 7th hour, everything sucked. I was sobbing so uncontrollably, with Linton looking on. I guess he didn’t know how to handle this, because he wouldn’t even come near me yesterday.

Today was fine. It wasn’t a very eventful day. Everything was back to complete normalness. Rick went back to being insanely jealous of every guy I talk to, Val went back to being my friend, Tim went back to being…Tim I suppose, but Linton and I didn’t have a actual conversation today. That’s really too bad, and I’m kinda freaking out right now inside, because he’s always around a blonde girl in my class…but I’ll never let him see how much it bugs me.

So tonight is out last home game, as well as a ‘senior appreciation’ night. The seniors get to present their senior salutes, as it is their last home game. We have a game next week, but we’re visitors and we’re presenting our half-time show at pre-game.

I have a party to attend tonight as well. I wonder what we’ll do. Last week at the party, I cut Richard Manner’s brother’s hair. His name is Tom, and he’s a super nice guy. He’s been flirting with me since the 7th grade, and just recently, I’ve been seeing him in an all-new light. I’m not going to chase him, because it’s kind of a ‘flaky’ thing to do, to ask his brother to homecoming, to be denied, to go with Linton, then turn around and fall all over Tom. He probably doesn’t even see me that way.

Time for my uniform. I’ll be putting up the homecoming pictures on my site soon, as soon as I get better quality ones of course.

Oh…and 13 more days until Kendall leaves me for good. I’m going to be sick.

"The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath.
Emeralds from mountains thrust towards the sky,
Never revealing their depth.
Tell me that we belong together,
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above."

Edwin McCain

"I'll Be"

If I would have ended it, Linton wouldn't have to reject me like he's going to. If I would have succeeded, no one would have to worry about Caleb and the fact that he's stalking me. If I'd have cut a little deeper, Valerie wouldn't have to deal with all the shit I supply.

If only....

Homecoming is over, and there is to be no more school spirit so intense to be seen for another year. When I think about it, actually look on it and see all those whose last homecoming this is, it really kinda breaks my heart. Olivia, Richard, Valerie, Austin, Garret, Linton...they're seniors, and it was their last homecoming. It's the begining of the end for them.

Dinner was fun. Along with my stir-fry, I recieved a Jones soda, ever so aptly named. Inside of the cap was a fortune which read "You will have a pleasant surprise soon". I like pleasant surprises. ^_^*

I feel so guilty, making Linton go with me, someone he doesn't even like. Sure, he put his arms around me when a slow song would come on.

The last slow song came on, and I looked up at him and he smiled at me. He curled his finger to pull me closer. His arms fit around my waist, my arms on his shoulders. Throwing caution to the wind, I rested my head on his chest and closed my eyes. I could feel his head rest on mine.

I can see myself with a future for the first time in my life. I can see myself with a job, children, a house...I can actually see it in my mind's eye. Before this year, it was just a bunch of jumbled information. No pictures. My future involves Linton. I want him to be in it.

His clique can think I'm a bitch. My group can think I'm crazy. I know my group has it right. I'm absolutely mad for this guy. He's all I ever think about anymore. And I know I am crazy for even considering staying here and not exchanging if he didn't want me to go. I would stay here, missing out on an opportunity of a lifetime, just so I could be with him.

As Fuka so kindly puts it: "Damn girl, you got it, and you got it bad."

So homecoming week is coming to a smashing close. Tonight was our homecoming football game and we actually won, 21-12.

Sometimes it's so much fun to be a marcher, and other times you looks down from the bleachers, see people you once hung out with walking around, laughing, and having fun, it really sucks. That's probably my biggest problem with band, the lonliness that accompanies it.

It's a good thing Olivia and I aren't upset with each other anymore. That whole damn ordeal with Richard was such a pain in the ass. It's hard to believe that was two weeks ago. It feels more that two months ago.

Fuka's mom fought her custody battle finally, so she's leaving in 2 weeks and 5 days. She keeps telling me all the things she's going to do when she gets 'home'. I just smile and nod my head, keeping my mouth shut. If my teeth were to become unclenched, I'd yell at her. I'd tell her how every time she says she's leaving for good, it kills me a little. I hate this. It feels like I just met her, yet we talk to each other like we've been friends since the dawn of time.

Am I really such a bitch? I mean, am I seriously a true bitch? There's a difference between a real bitch and a girl with bitchy tendencies. A true blue would be self-centered, pushy, loud, rude, ya know, the works. While a tendency would be loud but sweet, pushy but a wimp, self-centered yet care for those around them.

Is there really a point to my ramblings? I suppose. Gee, it really does suck when a guy you genuinely want to be with says you're just a friend and a bitch. Erm, yeah. Thanks Linton.

Tomorrow night is dinner. At 7:30, we'll be going to Mongolian Barbecue. Meg, Micah, Valerie, Rick, Linton and myself makes for a table of six. I wish I didn't know Linton thought I was a bitch, nor that he doesn't even think of me beyond a friend. This will sure be interesting, won't it?

But there's nothing anyone can do. Opportunies come and go. It's better to have loved and lost...than to never have loved in the first place.

I’m crazy. I must be. Linton is now going to homecoming with me and on top of that, he took me home after homecoming activity night. I’m still shaking, and he dropped me off about 45 minutes ago.

These girls were in the car…one of which I can’t get along with, and they were smoking. Linton wasn’t smoking, thank god. I’m not sure what I would have done if he had lit up. Everyone was dropped off after we went cruising around downtown with the radio blasting. First Katie, then Sarah, then Crystal until it was just him an I sitting in his truck.

“I’m going to ask you something I don’t really even have the balls to ask, but I’m going to anyway.” I said. “Are you going to homecoming with me because you like me or because you can say you went with someone?”

I think he said because I asked and he thought about it and he wanted to go with me. He never said he liked me. I don’t think he likes me…. I yearn for the affection I give him.

“When me, Mina, and Brittany, were walking to my car, Linton was kinda near us and we're like ‘hey Linton, Annie’s looking for you," and he got like this big smile on his face.” Valerie said.

Why…why? I want him to like me!