It's very cold in here. I'm shaking. Trembling in partial coldness and partial nervousness. I said earlier how I was drowning in a lake of questions. I have now sunk completely to the bottom and fish are picking off my flesh. I should get into the hot tub again and just relax. I can't control the world, therefore I musn't worry, and yet I do.

20/20 was very sad tonight. It was started off by introducing girls in the military who've been raped and sexualy assaulted. The poor girls were punished on grounds of having sex in the dorms, and the men who raped them were let off. Life isn't fair. It's things like that, that really piss me off. It hits close to home with me because I've had a bad run in with sexual assault. I don't want to talk about it.

20/20 continues with Give Me A Break and a man was arrested and sentenced to life because a man entered his son's room and he shot the burglar with an unregistered gun. The burglar survived and they are both in the same prison.

I should have gone to the dance. I feel like I missed something. Something huge. I want to call him, but I'm too shy. What am I supposed to say? Whatever. I don't care. I guess it's more what Sue, his mother, would do. It's 11:05. No matter how much she likes me, she wouldn't be thrilled if I woke her up. Of course, nor would I. I'm extremely fond of Sue and would at times consider her to be a second mother. She was always so kind and nurturing to me. She may not even be home. She may be out partying. Another thing I love about her. She's so spontanious.

That's it! I've had it. I'm grabbing my purple phone and dialing him up! The worst that could happen is that I'd be yelled at...eesh....

My head is swimming full of questions, and I'm in the middle of the lake and drowning. I'm just troubled right now I guess. As you may know from yesterday's entry, there is a dance tonight. Princess Meri is going, along with the posse of people I used to rely on for anything. I feel like I'm being lied to. He says he's not going, but he's lied to me before. I know I'm being selfish, bitchy, stubborn, stupid and everything in between, but I can't think about him finding another person, especially Princess Meri.

I don't know if you know why I have such a grudge against Princess Meri. Him and Princess Meri went out for a week while I was going out with Bryan. This was in March of last year. Then when me and him started going again, it got ugly. I admit that I never stopped talking about him after that, especially to Princess Meri.

I love Jimmy Fallon. He's just so fucking funny. "You like fine cookin'? Because you know what? I got a Swanson dinner in the freezer with your name on it!" He's great. I found out why Tina Fey is only on Weekend Update. She's head writer on SNL, and she doesn't want to be on a lot of them and she just like Weekend Update the best. I wish she'd be on more, but she's so awesome, it doesn't matter that she's only on one, because just one great performance=ten okay with her.

I'm going to contemplate my life, and the fact of how jealous I am of Princess Meri and how worried I am that he's at the dance and chilling with Princess.

Warming up my car and burning a CD. I'm leaving. No, not for good. Sorry to get your hopes up. Just going up my his house actually. I'd like to stop by his house, make sure his mom isn't home and chain him to the bed...just see what happens.

The CD I'm burning is Jimmy Fallon. I love Jimmy Fallon, especially with Tina Fey. Hell, I love all of SNL.

Kendall and I were walking down the hall yesterday and we came across a flyer posted on the wall.

"All School Dance Friday Night." She read. "Are you going?" She asked me.

“No way.” I said looking at her like she was crazy. “I haven’t been to a dance since me and him went out. It’s been…9 months I think.”

“Well why don’t you ask him?” Kendall asks, talking her eyes off the poster and fixing them on me.

I looked at her in terror. “Are you crazy?! I’m not asking him out! You’re…crazy! Leave me out of your little scheme!”

“What? I’m only trying to hook you guys up.” She said. I smacked her upside the head. “I’ve seen the way he looks at you Annie!” (She’s decided to call me Annie, because my name ends with it. I really like it actually.)

“What way?” I said rather rudely. I apologized for sound like a bitch.

“He just….looks at you. His facial expression just softens and almost smiles.” She says.

I looked at her oddly. “That’s because we’re best friends. Sorry, but you’re wrong.” I said. “C’mon, we have to get to Lunch.”

Crazy. Absolutely insane. Hm, that’s why she’s my close friend. But wouldn’t it be weird…if she was right? ….Pft! Yeah right.

Almost killed Princess Meri again today. You would have thought that if you were going to chase the love of my life, you atleast wouldn't have shoved me to get the him. I'd like Kenny, her boyfriend, to know about this sort of thing. I doubt he'd care. They're alike in this sense, because if Princess Meri found out about Kenny doing that shit, she wouldn't care. In a way, it's the best kind and worst kind of relationship.

You guys better be happy, because I finally got a website up with pictures. Pictures of nearly everyone mentioned in this blog. There are a few names you may not have noticed before. Liz, is my 7th grade Kendall. Every year, I get a new friend that is in one of my classes and we end up being very close. 6th grade it was him, 7th grade was Liz, 8th grade was Katie, and this year is Kendall. I never mention Katie, because we aren't too fond of each other anymore. The link is under the recommended links on the side bar. Check it out. I spent 2 hours on it. (I had to upload stuff ya know...not like it was hard.) I have a picture of what Andrew looks like... HINT HINT.

Dinner time. I'm running. Later.

I saw Andrew in my dream last night after all. It's wierd, because he looks like an older 2 year old boy. He looks tall for his age. In my dream, Kendall came to visit him and decided to take him to the mall. She's like a sister to me, so Andy calls her Aunt Kenderella. (Please don't ask) I decide to tag along too. When we went to go get lunch, Andrew went with Kendall to go to Taco Bell. I went somewhere else, and when Kendall came back, I asked her where Andrew was. Then I saw him. He was being pulled away by someone I didn't recognise. I went balistic.

I don't know how I did it, but I got him back (and somehow managed to kill the kidnapper. Heh...). We decided to leave, and he fell asleep in the car. (Aww...^_^)

I'm too far into this mothering thing aren't I?

Lunch today was great. No Princess Meri! She dyed her hair blonde (not a flattering color on her or so she says), and Darryl decided to make fun of her. She started chasing him around the table. The principal came over and sent them for a kind of time out for lunch on the stage (in the cafeteria, we have a stage). I looked over at Princess and her face was blotchy. Princess Meri, fearing nothing, the one who tried to hurt me and succeded, was crying. I was overjoyed. It's so cruel, I know, but so is the world. Life sucks and then you die. Get over it.

I was playful all day today. Just a smiling, happy kind of day I guess. Amazing, considering I normally am unhappy and I still have a huge migrane from not sleeping because of him and all of our midnight chats recently. Then of course I couldn't sleep last night because my mind was just racing. I was thinking about everything and anything.

Should I ask him if he wants to go to the mall on Sunday?

I hate the feeling that one minute, someone loves you and then the next minute they pretend they don't even know you. Why does life do shit like this to you? And why does it seem to happen more when your so upset, you couldn't care less what happend to you?

I wonder if I'm ever gonna get married. Even if I didn't get married, then I'm going to be a mother. I'll either have a one night stand and get pregnant or adopt a newborn. I want a little person in my life right now. Little sister doesn't really count since I never see her. I don't want a child of my own, but I'd kill for a baby sibling.

Me and him had a pregnancy scare a while back, two years ago in July. We didn't have sex, but it was possible that I could have been pregnant. It's a very long story. I never told anyone this, but I really wanted to be pregnant. I had dreams at night that I actually gave birth to our child. It was a baby boy, and he named him Andrew. Andrew looked just like him, but he had my eyes, a brownish green color. He was a beautiful little boy, and I loved him so much. When I woke up, I began to miss my little Andy.

I'm going to bed, maybe I'll see Andy again. He's not in my dreams much anymore. I can't believe I miss the little boy I never had.

My favorite game to play is the Mind Game. I'm a conniving person by nature. It's kind of nice if you think about it. I would be great in politics.

I keep thinking about Princess Meri and what she did to me. I'm going to be sick. Why did she do that to me? She was one of my best friends and then, overnight, she becomes my enemy.

Yesterday, while going from lunch to Biology, I saw Princess Meri grab his arm and didn't let go. Jealousy always gets the best of me. I dug my nails so deep into my palms, they starting bleeding. I didn't even feel it, I was so blinded by my anger I could see nothing but her leeching onto him and sucking the life out of me. When I sat down in Biology, I began shaking so hard from anger, that the table I had my elbows on was shaking. I began to scream. My eyes filled with tears and I actually started looking for her so that I could kill her. I swear to god, if I would have found her, she would have been dead. Good thing Kendall found me before I found Princess Meri. (In Kendall's words, not mine.)

I'm going to snap. A lump is forming in my throat, my eyes are brimming in tears, I feel like I'm dropping from the tallest building and never hitting the ground, my heart is pounding. I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. Here I go. If you'll excuse me....

Dear Dad,

You don't know anything about me. You think I'm the town slut, and yet I'm the most innocent little girl this world has to offer. You got two things wrong there you shit. I'm no slut, and I sure as hell ain't innocent. I never will be.

I'll never be your little Christian girl. I'M NOT A CHRISTIAN AND YOU KNOW IT. SO STOP ACTING LIKE I AM. Even Mum has a better grip on reality than you do. I can tell her things. Truthfully, if you weren't my father, you'd be dead right now. I wish Mum would divorce you so you don't get to see me often. I want to find the marriage license and prenuptual agreement and BURN THEM (you don't even know how much I like fire!). I want to burn down the bank that holds our fortune, so we have to move into a tiny apartment. More like you have to move into an apartment. I could easily live in his closet or live under his bed. That would be the life I want.

You're always hitting on other women than Mum. Name a few? Elizabeth, Felicity, Marisa, Alica, and every single client and wife-to-be who walk into your office. Ring a couple bells? You asshole. My Mum is supposed to be the only one in your life. So why isn't she?

And why the hell did you drink my NYQUIL to get drunk? You selfish bastard! Asshole! You're so terrible I want to kill you sometimes! Leave me out of your life!

In ACS today, we debated about freedom of speech. I brought up a point and people started laughing at me. Okay okay, so the analogy I provided at the time wasn't exactly...put in the best words, but I was still embarresed. Yeah, I included something about Canada but atleast I tried unlike the only shitfaced little brats in my class.

Whenever I look at the two kids who sit next to me, Tom or Brittany, I get pissed. They never do anything, so they get special treatment because they're not motivaded. Let me say that I'm not either and I'm in Honors and pull some pretty sweet grades out of my ass.

The guy three seats down from me, Connor, is now applying lip gloss. Not as a joke, but he 'likes the taste'. If you think about that, it could be a very perverted sentence.

I can't remember a time in life where I didn't think: "Life sucks and then you die". I've been feeling lately and finally, not acting on it. Princess Meri and him interact. A lot. I get jealous easily. He told me earlier that I was his best friend, but everything is about Princess Meri. When we're on the phone, he's pretty good about not talking about her, but he doesn't need to. I see it all at lunch. Sometimes, like now, I want to smack him upside the head and tell him to talk to me.

Why doesn't he just admit that he likes her? It's not like I care. I know I'll never get another chance, so screw it. I don't wanna call him, but this whole mall thing. Was it really a yes or a yes that means he won't act on it? He's not that kind of guy, but who knows, he did dump me and cry about it. He's such a hypocrite sometimes, but aren't we all?

I finally found enough balls to ask him to the mall this weekend. Of course, I was too shy to say it, so he got out his palm pilot and we wrote it. ^_^* Heh.

I saw Liz, a friend of mine from 7th grade today. I went to see her volleyball game and we went to the mall when we were done. I'm glad i got to see her. Kendall was supposed to show up, but she didn't. That's okay, because when Ariana got there and it was just us and Liz, we had a lot of fun. Like 6th grade fun. We gossiped about boys and cheered for the Trojans (who wasn't even playing). I had fun. A lot of fun.

So when me and Ariana were at the mall, we went, get this, shopping. We just went into stores for the hell of it. I got a new sweatshirt that I'm gonna wear when I'm going to the mall with him. It's huge. I love huge sweatshirts. So comfortable.

I'm writing letters to the courts so that Kendall can move. I don't like telling the courts that she should move, because I hate thinking that she'll leave me, but I want her to be happy. Oh well. Kendall is my priority right now. No one else.

Daddy hit me. He hit me with a clothes hanger. It hurt so much that actually started to cry. I don’t cry because of pain, I cry because of emotional issues. Daddy hit my hand with the hanger.

Then I started crying because I missed him. I cried out that I missed him, and that really love him. I hate this. I would give anything to be by his side again.

I wrote a note to all of who used to be my friends last night because I couldn't sleep. Ariana's response:

Dear Stephanie,

I didn't really mean for you and I not to be friends. I am at a loss for words. I didn't mean to replace you. I guess you just changed, or maybe I did. I didn't like hanging out because you never smiled anymore.

I also felt like I was being replaced ever since you went out with him. Then it got worse with Bryan because he just got you so depressed. You always talked about them and I felt left out because I didn’t have a boyfriend.

Now Meri has Kenny and she’s always talking about him and I just feel lonely ya know?

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m sorry! I still do want to be friends, but I want to be friends like we were in elementary school, where we didn’t care about boys (except for him! ^_^*) I do still want to be friends. I really am sorry.

BTW: Your life isn’t pathetic. You are a really good friend, and I do still want to be your friend. I’m so sorry. :’(

Ariana

We bought a new house out in Interlochen, which is a village about 30 minutes drive from here.

I wish I could have slept last night. Last night was the first night since Valentine’s Day that I haven’t slept with the dog he got me.

Kendall spent the night on Saturday. We slept in the same bed, and when I woke up around 4, she was right next to me. Coincidence? I don’t know, but I didn’t like it. Thank God.

I summoned the tarot cards again, because I'm getting very impatient. Believe it or not, they said to ruin my own life I wanted to. Patience brings what I'll want they say. Bullshit. God dammit.

My happy stage did go to shit. I think it's the season. It's just so wintery and shit. I have fun and everything, but I'm just not happy with life anymore. Unhappy about my appearance. Unhappy about who likes me. Unhappy about who doesn't.

To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone and the puzzle undone
That's the way it is

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words won't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words won't bring you down
Don't you bring me down today...

-"Beautiful" Christina Aguilera

I'm not exactly a fan of hers, but I really know how it is adjusting to stuff.

I wanna call him. I really should, but I just hate calling there anymore. It's kind of embarressing when he asks "what did you call for?". I can't say anything right or wrong when I answer. I wanna ask if he wants to go to the mall tomorrow. We've been planning on it for about three weeks, and it hasn't been pulled off. I can't ask him, then I'll seem desprite.

I'm sleeping with the dog he gave me. It smells like him. Kendall thinks somethings up with him. He's acting a little strange, I must admit, but it's good. He's more fun this way.

So don't bring me down today....

And so comes the morning of my Band Festival. I just finished polishing my flute and piccolo. I'm so excited. I love performing for people. I love to see the look on their face when I hit sixteenth notes. (it's not terror) I'll be heading on out in about and hour and a half now. I perform at 11:15 and go home at 1:15. I can't believe myself. I never used to get this excited over something so little. I guess I had fun last year.

My parents said I couldn't spend the night at Kendall's last night. Her sister was raped and my parents were scared that I was gonna be raped too. Uhhh no? I cancelled with her last night, but then she called this morning, and I invited her over here. We'll have a kind of spiritual night I guess you could say. We're going to summon the Ouija board and use the tarot cards.

Speaking of tarot cards, I got my first set last night. Yesterday, despite the fact it was a holiday about love and I can't really relate, was a good day. I summoned the tarot cards about a question weighing on my mind. They said to wait the whole thing out. Thank you great spirits.

I hate Valentine's Day. I'm pretty sure that it's not out of spite that I don't have a boyfriend, but it's always a possiblity. I did get a present though, and I guess I didn't hate Valentine's Day much after that. I got a stuffed dog from him. Of course...it's from 7th grade. We agreed in the 7th grade that we weren't going to get anything for each other for Valentine's Day (We had been going out for a month.) He went against me though, and got me the dog I accepted today. I threw a fucking hissyfit. I wouldn't take it, but today, I did. It really picked me up. I still am smiling.

Mom is really freaking me out. I have to pick my schedule for next year, and she's freaking out because she doesn't understand it. If she would only let me explain things to her, she would understand.

I went to a swim meet yesterday. It was a lot of fun. I can't believe what I did though. I threw away my razor, with him sitting there. For the first time, I am happy with my life. He did throw me into the snow though. It was very cold.

I can't believe myself? Is this being hapy a phase? It has to be, I'm smiling way to much for it to be permanant.

Another snow day. Christ, that's two in one week. Usually, there is no such thing as a snow day in Northern Michigan. Instead they plow early, salt the roads, shove us on busses and hope for the best.

I got an e-mail from my mom regarding little sister's webpage. She's still sleeping all the time I see. God, she's so sweet. This is her page if your interested in seeing little sister. She isn't exactly the most beautiful baby, but she's my little girl, so I gotta love her.

I got an e-mail telling me all these 'great' deals for your Valentine for Valentine's Day. I admit, some of it was pretty cool but my response was as follows:

To: offers.prgkf@mail.yourinterestsonly.com
From: PanChan1513@aol.com

I don't have a valentine you bitch. Leave me alone and never e-mail me again.

I hate Steven. He stole my DJing gig for tomorrow. We were supposed to do it together and then Daddy says he has to do it alone because he's new. I'm going with slap him next time I see him.

I'm changing the ring that I'm getting. It's now a Pacifica, with exactly the same options, only it's a little bigger. Oooh, how exciting (Yawn...)

It feels like him and princess Meri have become one person. I've become parinoid. It feels like he's telling her everything he knows about me, so she can ruin my life. And why? He wouldn't do that to me....would he?

Do I complain too much? I really don't intend to. Honestly, I'm surprised that people read this shit really. I was told that 'it's interesting, it's short, and it's something that keeps you hooked'. Hooked? Damn.

I have a band festival on Saturday. I have to get up early and play the hollow silver cylinder I call a flute. I don't mind. I really love my flute. It's like a passion. I can really show my feelings when I play for people. The funny thing is, I'm bad at so many things, it's almost like I should be bad at the flute. Truthfully, I'm very good. I don't want to sound bitchy or anything, so please don't take that the wrong way.

The blizzard stopped long enough for us to have school. It started up again when we were going home and it still continues to dump inch after inch on my car. I want to tell the sky to stop, that it's making my car all messy so I can't drive it. Why bother? Regular people don't listen to me, why should the sky?

Almost forgot. At lunch today, I got so upset I tried to cut my wrists with my ID card. Could I be any more desprite???

I finally got my letter to the editor done for school.

I had a cool little book burning ceremony today to relieve my anger towards those I hate. (Yes, I really did burn a book!) Atleast I didn't catch them on fire. I don't think thier parents would be too happy.

I wish my hair was straight. It's wavy, and I've never seen a redhead whose hair was perfectly straight. I straighten mine artificially every morning with mousse. Of course, even that doesn't make my hair very straight.

I think...that I'm starting to hate him. But...I don't want to. When I think about him, my heart still flutters like I'm nervous, but when I look at him, I just get so angry. It's like I just realize that he ruined my entire life or something. When we talk though, I'm okay. It's like we're just...friends (or sometimes a little more). I'm so frustrated I can't explain it.

Truthfully, I want to crawl into a hole in the floor and cry. Just cry until every bone in my body hurts. Cry until I have no more tears left.

We had a blizzard. A blizzard that canceled school. A blizzard that continues to dump about an inch of snow per hour, and my parents tell me to shovel our driveway. Ouch. I hurt.

I'm going to bed. Leave me alone.

After weekends, I never want to go back to school. It's not that I want to stay around the house or anything. Quite to the contrary actually. I do like my room though, and that's about it. I actually got so bored, that I began cleaning it and doing my laundry.

It's strange how much black I wear, and and little I actually own in my extensive wardrobe. (Extensive because I have problems throwing things out. It's like I think my clothes have feelings or something and I just can't throw them out.) A good deal of those clothes are from 6th and 7th grade, when I believed that black and white was the root of all evil and every article of clothing has to have atleast two different colors.

I've changed so much. I was so happy, and almost like a prep. Kissing was a big deal. Making out was nearly untouchable. Holding hands around school was risky. (We could get suspended)

I'm not happy anymore, and the last thing I am is prepy. Kissing is an everyday thing. Making out isn't uncommon (Expecially for the preps now. They change sex partners every fucking week.). Holding hands around school is kind of lame. Arms around each other is 'cool'.

I stayed up late talking to him last night. that was pretty cool. I'm very tired now, but it was very worth it.

Oh god....just leave me alone.....

I didn't have to wait until Monday to find out if I'm going to Pine Rest (the nut house I'd be going to). I talked to the representitive, and she said that I'm Pine Rest material. She's the only adult who has seen his name on my arm, and the scars on my wrists.

It's official. I'm a crazy fuck.

Today Steven came to visit me today. In fact, he came to see me at school. I was in study hall at the end of the day. He pulled me out into his car, and we just talked. Well, we talked until we started making out in the parking lot. I was lucky I realized I needed to catch my bus. I blended in perfectly with the other kids as they came out of the school as the final bell rang, signaling the end of the day. Very smooth of me.

Oh come on you guys, I get to dream and lie about one thing in my life right?

Great, my Eminem CD is skipping. Not cool at all. God dammit....

To regain composure, I need some kind of sex act. Giving or recieving, I don't care. Anything. Anything to do with sex.

I must kill Darryl. He has made me so embarresed, so many times. Chris wants me to seduce him, and at lunch, I asked Darryl how to go about doing it.

"You just want me to say it because he's sitting next to me and can hear." Darryl says.

I felt like breaking into a million pieces and crying hysterically. I swallowed hard, trying to also swallow the need to cry. I'm lucky that it worked. I'm not sure what in hell is up with me. After that, I picked at the scabs on my wrists from a few nights ago. I was hoping that it'd bleed more, but it wouldn't. I got the shivers and didn't talk for the rest of lunch.

No one knows this, but on Monday, I'm taking to a social worker to talk about putting me in a home. It's odd have told anyone. Normally, if I had news such as this, I would atleast tell him or Kendall, but I haven't told either. I'll miss them, but it's not like they would care. They'd notice I wasn't there only because they weren't nearly as annoyed as they'd usually did.

Whenever someone bothers me and upsets me, I want to shove up my sleeves and show them all the scars I have. "It's people like you who are truely killing me." I'd scream at them.

It’s almost been a year since I’ve dating anyone because of the past heart break and pain my last love caused. Well today I tried to get myself off my ass and drag myself into the dating scene once again. Chris, an 8th grader who rides my bus, has been my friend since the 7th grade and he lives up the street from me. I feel so stupid. I asked him if he wanted a girlfriend. He does. He wants it to be me. I want it to be me, but am I ready?

I wrote a poem an finally realized what I feel.

The Little Girl I Used To Be

That little girl I used to be,
Now a voice that talks to me.
She writes me notes and lets me know,
It’s okay to let my real side show.
I write her back and always say,
I can’t go back and be that way.
She asks if I remember when,
I hid her, buried her, kept her in.
That little girl inside of me,
Tries to come and set me free.
I should let her in, I feel so incomplete,
Yes, it’s time for us again to meet.

Is it good?? Please tell me the truth.

Four years ago on January 8th, my father went to rehab to get over his addiction to alcohol. My mother said that she would not stay married to him if he didn't go in for rehab. So for two weeks, he stayed at the rehab center.

A few nights ago, I noticed that my NyQuil was very low, like maybe a millimeter left at best. I haven't been sick for two or three weeks, so I haven't taken any. As you may not know, NyQuil have 10% alcohol to volume. My mum caught my father putting my NyQuil into his drinks so that he could have alcohol in his system. I'm disgusted.

I know lots of adults who always think that they're sick. They are constantly held on sugar pills, and vitamins without them truly knowing. They get better because they think that they're taking pills for what they're ailing from. Imagine, full-grown adults, acting so childish. It’s a cry for attention. I hate it when they whine. Cry me a river, build me a bridge, and get over it.

So I guess that he’s back from Arizona. He IMed me on AOL, and he just started talking. It’s strange, because normally it’s me who does that. Even stranger still was that I didn’t feel any butterflies in my stomach. Is it possible? Is it possible that I’m finally not in love with him anymore after 2 years?

In a way, I really hope so. It’s so tiring of getting hurt day after day, just because of a guy that I love. On the other hand (you knew this was coming), I hope I still am. Life would become so boring. I wouldn’t have anything to do anymore. I don’t really have a hobby or anything, and I certainly don’t have friends to really hang out with.

I suppose I could always make friends, but I do that when new kids come. I try to be nice to them, and we end up being friends. Here are two perfect examples: Kendall, and him. But the thing about February is that there aren’t any new kids. September is the perfect month, since there are always new kids at the beginning of school.

My last thought to leave you with. Love is never supposed to die, am I correct? Well, If the rose is a symbol of that love, then why do roses die?

I think I'm going to be sick. I've felt like I'm going to throw up all day. Is it the flu? I hope so. I can't go to school tomorrow. I just can't.

One of Dad's DJs came over about 15 minutes ago. (Did I forget to mention that my Dad owns 3 businesses and one of which is a DJ company? I am also one of my Dad's DJs. The even sadder fact is that I'm one of the better ones.) I think his name is Steven and he's a newbie. He's 18 years old and when I was watching SNL, he came in and said he had money. I ran to the door to see who dared to darken my doorstep while I'm home alone for the weekend and watching my beloved SNL. I saw him and was in awe.

"Uh excuse me...Steven is it? You're the hottest thing I've ever seen and I would like to propose that you come in right now and teach me a lesson for keeping my door unlocked when I'm home alone. I'm a very bad girl." I wanted to say.

He could tell I was awestruck. I guess he didn't pass me off for ugly either, because he sized me up and started talking to me. I then realized I was wearing a sport/push-up bra that makes me look especially...perky underneath my red joe boxer shirt, and PJ pants that make my waist look little, and my legs long. I shut the door, not bothering to bring the dog in for the night. Not five minutes later, he comes back to the door and says that the dog is under his car and he won't move.

When I went back outside, I saw that my poor Tucker dog is having a seizure (It's not out of the ordinary. He has them every three weeks.). He felt so guilty, and he thought it was something he did. After flashing him several smiles, and helping me move him to a snowbank next to the driveway. He stayed for about five minutes, petting my little beast (The dog I mean). Then he had to leave.

When he was pulling out of the driveway, I took off my jacket and put it on the dog, because he wasn't moving nearly as much as he normally does. He gave me another look.

Grrr baby. And aren't I lucky? I get to DJ a dance with him on the 13th.

Beyond upsetting. Before the Columbia took off 16 days ago, I thought 'It's kind of eerie how Columbia and Challenger start with the same letter and lift off at the same time of year, 17 years apart. Wouldn't it be even stranger is the Columbia blew up just like the Challenger did?' And I come home from shopping for groceries with Mum, and on the TV, there is breaking news on every channel.

At first I thought that the president had been shot down from his plane since they were talking about the president so much. I saw the fireball descend from the sky and I begin to cry. All 7 people on board are dead.

Texan’s have been saying that they went outside to watch the shuttle enter the atmosphere, and they saw multiple balls of fire come out of it. Then they heard seven or eight booms, and they knew something was wrong.

6 of the seven were married, and 5 had children.

I’m truly amazed at how they’re dwelling on how one guy was an Israeli. Can people be more shallow?

God bless every last one.