I've stumbled across the realization that I'm not spontaneous enough. I went to the store earlier this evening to get frosting. No reason in peticular, other than the fact of I wanted to buy some. That's really spontaneous for me. One of my friends is so spontaneous, I'm jealous. Imagine how fun life would be if you were random all the time. I'm the most spontaneous when I'mmaking out or something.

~Hugs teddy bear~ I hate this. I feel like a dog trapped inside a box. Like I see all the other dogs running around me, peeing on bushes, fetching tennis balls, licking their asses, and I'm inside such a small box that I can't even lay down, even to sleep. There's a void in my life, and I'd love to know what it is. A reward to whomever finds and can help fill the void.

My band went to festival yesterday, and we got all 1's. First rank division. West got four 1's, and a two. St. Francis got all 3's. We're the best! Oot. ~Sheep frolics across the room~ Bah to you too.

I think I need to talk to Teemu. I could stare longingly at my buddy list...alllllll daaaay...

I seem to get jealous over the most trivial things. And you'd think that since I've lost so many friends because of that pointless jealous that I'd stop. It's like a drug. >.<*

So again I became jealous, and again it was for the dumbest reasons. Guys are allowed to have girl friends, just as I'm allowed to have guy friends (but for some reason can never get a 'b-word' and keep him for very long). Arg....

But remember; if the world didn't suck we'd all fall off.

I've progressed and regressed in maturity about five times this week. Today was a regress...as I have become a sick little Annie. I slept today in Theater. Just crawled up in my jacket and slept. Math was nice too. Ashly sat next to me, and proceeded to talk about Alex. I put my head down, and pretended to sleep. Instead, I cried.

I miss Fuka. I want her to be back up here. It's so selfish though, because she'd be here all alone while I was overseas. I wonder if she could stay here the day or two before I leave.

As much as I love her, I'm starting to wonder that if Hello Kitty, once she's in your brain, if she controls you. I've bought almost everything Hello Kitty. Name it. I probably have it.

Nos vemos my fellow misfits.

Why do good things happen to bad people, and bad things always happen to good people. Is God confused on who to help, or are we wrong on how we classify Good and Bad?

I haven't updated recently, so I decided to let you in on a little food for thought.

Yeah, so what's happened? Good question.

Andre and I...I don't think we're going out anymore. For some reason I feel Alex will read this, and him or Ashly and rub it in my face. The thought makes me want to cry. Let me just say that when we kissed, I know I turned him on. I don't think he was used to that, and if he was, I knew he was scared because he can't get in too deep while he's on exchange or they'll send him home early to prevent any problems. So we decided that while the status was great, we shouldn't get into the relationship so deep.

I realized Jake was a mistake, especially because we had sex. I could have become pregnant (we didn't use a condom and I'm not on birth control), and we'd have both been screwed. If that happened with Andre, he'd have to go home anyway, and early, and I'd not be able to go to Argentina. Can you say suicide?

I'm going back to wearing my ribbon on my finger. Was I ready for a relationship? Part of it (a very miniscule part) may have been in spite of Jake and in spite of Alex. Don't get me wrong, I really like Andre, and I think he said "I love you" to me today. I wanted to hug him until he was immobilized. I've felt that a lot lately.

Again.

Algunos danza a recordar, algunos danza a olividar.

I've been following the journal of a young man named Philip Ramsey who is on exchange in Italy now. He has no idea who I am, but I stumbled across this page which circled around Rotary exchange students in their forgien countries. His journal was on there, and I find great strength from it. He's wise. He's 16...my age. He's turning 17 in May, so I guess he's a little older. ~Sigh~ I'm wrong again then.

I read his journal and I get sick because I feel like I'm in Italy with him, by his side. Almost like I'm seeing this through a two-year-old's eyes, walking down the cobblestone streets and holding his hand. When he tells about his e-mails, I feel like I'm looking over his shoulder, reading his words. "I did this today. I did this yesterday....etc." It's really wild. I think he felt the exact same way as I do before he left. Like this isn't really happening. Every step made in this journey feels like I'm getting closer to something, but i don't know what.

It's like there's a light at the end of this long tunnel of a year, and I'm running and running. When I passed my pannel interview, I felt like someone came through from the other side and told me how great it is in the light. When I was formally accepted I felt the same thing. When I was told that Argentina was my host country, another person came through, but this time, they had a map to help it seem not so far away.

And it's not far away. I think about it, and the time frame of when I'm leaving is damn close. It's only 5-6 months now. Or 22 weeks at the minimum. It gives me a headache.

Philip says things aren't better nor are they worse. He said that you have bad days and okay days, but when you have those bad days, you want to e-mail home and say: "This was a mistake. I hate it here." He says that when he looks back on them about a week later, and notices even the most minute change.

He makes the most innocent mistakes. For example, when the lady at the counter is done ringing up his panini and caffe, he says 'congratulations!' instead of 'see you later!'

It's like going into Oz....

I'm starting to not be able to stand people. I'm turning on my away message as soon as I get online because I don't want to be bothered by certain people. It really bites when you're talking to someone you think is really cool and then you get a message popping up from someone that you really can't stand to talk to anymore. I have three people I'm avoiding and it's really starting to piss me off.

I popped in Drumline today and I watched it. I really shouldn't watch that movie. I miss marching, and I'm not gonna be here until fall of 2005.

I'm waiting for my Visa to come in the mail. I don't mean the credit card, but I mean the thing that will let me go to Argentina. It's going to tell me where I am going, who my Mom and Dad are, any siblings, and everything else.

I got a pamphlet in the mail yesterday. Argentines greet each other in some pretty sweet ways. When meeting, they shake hands and nod to show respect. In urban areas, a brief hug and a kiss on the cheek isn't uncommon. Both men an women, when meeting friends will kiss, regardless of whether they are male or female. You can't tell me that isn't cool.

Argentines are also really spontaneous people. They often drop in on each other without prior arrangement. It's not considered rude if you're over 30 minutes late arriving to a hosts house. Dinner guests often give hosts a gift of flowers, candy, or sometimes pastries.

Dating occurs after the age of 15. The activity of choice when out on a date is dancing. Young couples often play sports, eat out, and go to movies.

Must remember this: Teemu is turning 18 on May 9th. Wow. This is getting desperate.

Arg. That's what I say.

I had a band expo tomorrow. I got a call about half an hour ago that said: "No band expo. Go have fun instead of being locked in a room with your flute and being humiliated in front of your section." I hugged the phone.

Girl, Interuppted. Good movie. I'm sitting here, quoting it word for word, and my mom is like "How do you know this so well?"

So I'm contemplating all my options for what to do tomorrow. I need to get my hair re-done. I want to go skiing. I want to shop.

I'm skiing dammit.

I wrote a monologue.

Man, I hate reading mysteries. 'Cuz I get into it, ya know? I'm following along, reading, and suddenly I wanna know what happens. Now what?’s up with that? I mean, why can't they write a book where ya just kinda read along, it keeps your interest--ya don't want it boring, ya know. It can't be boring. But it's gotta be interesting.-- but that's it. Just interesting.

It makes me nervous when I get this exciting plot going on. You know what I mean? I start ta feel manic, I can't sit still, I gotta keep flipping these stupid pages, 'cause I gotta know what's gonna happen. And what pisses me off more than anything is that I'm tempted. I'm tempted to read the just ending. And that messes with my mind. It is not very zen-like to jump ahead and read the ending, which is what I wanna do. It is un-zen.

What would my monk say? I mean, I sit with this extremely calm, bald-headed man twice a week trying to comprehend serenity and he's telling me that life is a river and I must submerge myself in its currents. Don't look for where the river begins. Don't look for where the river ends. Go with the flow. Breathe in. Breathe out. (breathes) Okay. (breathes) Okay. (beat)

So if this book is a river, I can't go looking for the end. 'Cuz I probably wouldn't be able to comprehend the end even if I saw it, plus I'd miss all the cute little fishes swimming around me while I was looking. (beat)

So, I'm in trouble. Why the heck am I reading this book? I should have stuck with those biographies. I mean, I know how they end. I mean, they all die, but it's all very interesting to read.

It's been a long time since I wrote. I guess I'm sorry.

Ya know, I think I know why I think my life is trivial. I've been on so many damned 'whirlwind romances' in the past year, I could...I dunno. Die? Look at Jake. We went out 3 days after we met, and he said 'I love you' (Though it didn't mean anything anyway) 5 days after we met.

Teemu, whom I still have a fling for and we're not going out, has been on my mind since December when I saw him in Big Rapids for Thespian Festival. He was just sitting at his table with his red sweatshirt and jeans, talking to his friends. It just caught my attention and now I'm regretting not bailing from my group for once and going and talking to him.

Andr? really is a whirlwind. We had a 'date' (if you'd even call it that) on Saturday, or Valentine's Day. That was the winter formal. We danced and when we got to his house, I parked the car and he kissed me almost lustfully.Minusus the almost.

Andr? and I talked today, and he's not allowed to date. There's a really shitty side to Rotary too. All inbounds must follow the 4 D's of exchange. You can't drink, do drugs, date or drive. Outbounds (people like me who are about to leave) have only three of those D's. No drinking, drugs, or dating. They're pretty loose on the dating thing, especially before I leave. Rotary really doesn't give a shit if you have a 'significant other' while your overseas, as long as you don't do anything stupid.

Anything stupid qualifies as actually falling in love to the point of not leaving, getting pregnant, or getting engaged. Now, do I want to get engaged, get pregnant, or even have the capabilities right now of falling in love to the point of not leaving? After that nasty break-up with Jake, I'm surprised all my organs are still intact.

I thought about it and I know the problem isn't me, but maybe it's him. It couldn't be, right? Nope. It's not. But I think the way he kissed me...I think it scared him. I know he's one of those Christian boys, and I think he was scared that he was possibly turned on by it.

Teemu wouldn't be afraid of something like that. If anything I think he'd probably like it. ~Smirks~ That's not a bad thing.

We talked to other night, my favorite Finlander and I. The mind games were fun. I told him that I knew a girl from Traverse City that might like him. (Boy did he get excited about that!) He asked if she was an Inbound or Outbound and I said an Outbound.

"Do I know her? What country is she going to?" He typed.

I hesitated, but clicked away my response. "I hope you know her. ;-) She's going to Argentina."

"You're the only one going to Argentina."

"Yes I am."

"Well, don't tell this girl, but I have a crush on her too. :-)" he typed.

My grin couldn't be matched. I went to bed with a smirk on face. I'm pretty sure my Mom thought I was maniacal, so yay even more.

Pray, my friends. Pray for a snow day for me tomorrow. Shalom my fellow Budhists. ^_^*

~Sitting on couch, absent mindedly picking at fingernails and wearing sunglasses, for no apparent reason~ What up?

I don't want to get naked. My dad, for valentine's day, got my Mom and I both massages and she's in my house....right now. I have to get naked for a massage?! I've never gotten naked for anyone! I have a phobia of being naked, regardless of having a towel. Even being in anything less than shorts and a t-shirt scares me. It's like....I dunno.

So André and I talked on the phone today, like an actual conversation. It was pretty cool. I felt....I dunno. Somewhat needed. His accent is adorable on the phone.

Tomorrow is Snowcoming! My dress is at Rini's house now. After work, I'm going over there to beautify myself before the dance. And Mina. And Rini. Yay! Little Miss Argentina Gothic Princess. Minus the gothic. It's not gothic....just all black (makeup too).

~Shivers~ Nudity scares me.

I wanna cut myself...but my dress will reveal my arms. Arg. Mother of god this sucks!

I gotta go....get naked. ~Looks at wrists longingly and cries~ NOT ME!!!!!!

André has been a very nice guy to me lately. He knew I was depressed a few days ago, and contemplating suicide. He talked to me and even told me that I would be missed a lot and that my host family is looking foreward to getting me. I was kinda surprised that a Brazilian exchange student would understand some of the things I talked about (like suicide).

So we've become progressively closer, André and I. I asked him if he wanted to go to the Winter Formal, or 'Snowcoming'. I made my dress. It's made of black rayon that goes down to the ankles. I embrodered a black butterfly on the back for a special effect. I dunno what I'm doing with my hair, cause it's so damn short now. I was told it'd be cute just plain down and stuff, but I dunno. I don't want that.

But I think for some reason, I'm trying to impress him. Impress him?! Why would I do that? It's just...André. Sigh. I think I'm looking on ebay now.

Algunos danza a recordar, algunos danza a olvidarse.

Argentina. My new country.

Jake and I...we broke up. Cole, Charlie, Jake, Megan, Greg and I were playing 'I've never' and I said "I've never, to my remberance, had an orgasm." Jake, being the man I am currently in sexual relationships with, was outrageously offended. Finally it was his turn and he said: "I've never told a girlfriend I loved her and meant it."

I went to the bathroom and cried my eyes out and Charlie followed. She rubbed my back while I bawled my eyes out. We talked and I decided I needed out of this relationship.

When I finished I went upstairs to where the Rotary dance was. Cole, Charlie, and Shelia were on the dance floor, dancing happily. I joined in and soon I felt so much better. I didn't move my body, the music did, and I just let it flow. All my anger and sadness and bitterness came out in the forms of musical beats.

Other exchange students were staring at us, pointing, laughing...and I was okay with that. Cool had taken on a whole new meaning. Cool was making yourself feel good and saying to hell with everyone else.

Jake came upstairs, followed by Megan. Megan began to slow dance with him. I didn't freak, I merely spazed out silently, and scratched the fuck outta my wrists.

A fast song struck up again, and the three and I were on the floor again. Others came up and danced. Guys finally started to dance with us. One walked right up to me and began to dance with me. His name is Teemu, and he is from Finland.

Shelia waved me over and Teemu followed. I smiled. T I danced with him for a while longer then went to talk to the DJ....and requested something slow.

You must think I'm some sort of flake or something, but I saw him since last conference. I wasn't trying to make Jake jealous either, thank you VERY much. Like I said, I didn't care who thought what about me anymore. I just wanted to be happy. I got closer. We smiled at each other again.

The next song was Hotel California. There really wasn't any asking involved, we just started slow dancing, and closely at that. My head found its way onto his chest. We continued to dance.

"How they dance in the courtyard,
Sweet summer sweat,
Some dance to remember,
Some dance to forget..."

This happened last night and today was our last day we'd see each other until April. Teemu smiled at me over and over again whenever he saw me. It was cute. It was fun. it was innocent. Isn't that what I've wanted this entire time?

He gave me his e-mail address and I e-mailed him today. I'm a little nervous as to how he's going to react to the closing statement.

One last thing, thanks for the dance.

Love, Annie.