I'm a bad kid.

I have become every parent's worst nightmare for a child. Contrary to popular belief, a druggie isn't the worst, it's the liar. The liar evolves over time. It begins at a young age and builds until finally the product is a well armed teenager with fine tuned acting skills and an outrageous ability to lie.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is who I am. I am a LIAR. Today alone I lied about reading Siddhartha. I lied about the real reason why my spanish assignment isn't done. I lied about an 'appointment' so that I could get out of math class after I had finished my homework in 5 minutes flat. I lied the first 3 hours of my day. When did I finally cross the line into actually putting my lies into place and using them? I would just plot senarios before.

I don't lie to Zavy though. I completely adore him. I wouldn't do that crap to him. It's not fair. I see him as an equal as I do my parents and relatives. But I see many of my elders as below me. If they treat me as garbage I feel that it's my obligation to induce karma. It's a newfound feeling, and I don't think I like it. It's almost like I'm cocky.

I'm a liar. I lied today and what seems like almost the entire past month so that odds would be stacked in my or Zavy's favor like getting out of class or an assignment.

The only bright side I see the this situation is that I refuse to lie about something that involves other people. I won't spread rumors or lie about people that I dislike. That isn't me. If I dislike them, so what. No big deal. They deserve to be happy just as I do.

...I'm going back to school. Lunch is over now.

Today is the day of the homecoming dance. Last night was the last time I will ever go to a homecoming game and be a student of central high. Those who were crowned King and Queen? Congratulations. However from past experience and how you've treated my friends, I know I could have found a more worthy canidate and as luck would have it they were on the court.

Homecoming never had any significance towards me. It's a dance. Big hairy fucking deal. Some people never go throughout their entire high school careers. I was speaking to one of my classmates, Cora Bye in Honors World Lit a few days ago.

Cora: *smiling* I saw you and Zavy walking together holding hands. Congratulations.

Me: Thanks. *turning a brilliant shade of red* I remember when I met him you were the only thing on his mind!

She laughed and we talked a while about Zavy's obsession with her in middle school. It was all very sweet actually.

Cora: So are you going to homecoming with him?

Me: *shaking head* No. He doesn't want to go. He's not big on dances. Yeah, and I'm working anyway. You?

Cora: Yeah, I'm going. I have to work until 6, so I'm really gonna have to get ready quick. Dinner plans are at 7 and the dance starts at eight.

I smiled at her this time and wrote a few more notes about the Psalms we were supposed to be reading. I was so jealous that she was going.

That's when I realized that something was wrong with me. I wanted to go to homecoming, and I wanted it more than ever. Call it seniorititus and getting the best out of my last year but I really wanted to go and it made me almost mad at myself. Out of the 4 dances I could have gone to, I went to a single dance.

My Freshman year I ended up leaving 30 minutes into it because my 'date' didn't show.

My sophmore year I went with Linton McArthur the lights guy from the theater department. We didn't like each other, but we now had reasons to go.

My junior year I was out getting drunk in bar because of my heightened depressive state from knowing that Alex and Ariana were probably already saying 'I love you'.

Now it's my senior year, and I feel like I need to redeem myself. I tried on my dress from sophmore year last night and looked into the mirror. I actually liked the reflection, a strange reaction. My parents could tell my giddy reaction.

Mom: Why don't you just...go?

Me: *picking at the dress*

Mom: Just go after work. With or without him.

So I made my plans to go. I would get ready in the womens bathroom at the Park Place and go straight from there.

Zavy caught whim of my plans at the football game last night. I told him about my experiences with homecoming and how since it was my last year, I felt that this was my last chance to make up for all the times I missed.

So now he's going with me. I hate myself because I feel like I've pulled a dirty trick out of my sleeve and tried to make him go. I made a compromise.

Me: *hugging him* All I want is a simple slow song. I just want to dance with you once.

Him: *squeezing tighter* You might get two.

I know this is completely riduculous.... and many of you are going to laugh.

But I'm crying right now because I thinkthat our end as a human race is here... and that a bunch on my loved ones will be gone in the morning.

It's not because of the gas prices, though 3.55 is enough to make me cry in itself. I saw the sun shine today and it wasn't bright with happiness or passion. It wasn't burning for humanity like it always had been. It's just.... there. It doesn't serve any purpose anymore.

I saw clouds roll in over the bay. Storm clouds. I love storms, and all I could think about it how people will complain about how their day was ruined. People aren't worried for each other. The farmer may need rain, but the vaction-er will curse him though he puts the food on the table.

The music on the radio sounded the same, had the same name, sung by the same people... but there was a distinct quality that it lacked. Emotion.

And I realized that America was such a nasty buyer-seller society that we've forgotten that people are people, not numbers or dollar signs. Do we kiss numbers? Our check books? Do we tell our bank balance how much we love it?

The world is thriving on those who can see past the business of life and see the love. I am glad for the first time that Alex has eyes for Ariana and vis-versa because I know that with them loving each other... truly loving... they're helping to keep the world rotating. I'm glad to be part of the effort as well.

Because I love him.

Confront me.

I just want to know what I'm doing wrong by living my own life...?

Felicitaciones. Puedes leer en español o puedes usar el babblefish. Tramposo.

No es que soy tan estupida. Bueno, a veces tengo mis moments y tambien fingo que no entiendo que soy estupida. La cosa que es mi mejor amiga cree que soy asi. Me ofende. Ella escribe sobre su vida (y esta bien. No me importa. Yo creo que todos deben escribir sobres sus vidas y despues mucho tiempo deben leer y ver cuanto han cambiados).

Pero ella esta escribiendo sobre MI. Bien bien bien. De nuevo no me importa. Me alegro que alguien puede disfrutar escribiendo casi como yo. Nadie puede disfruitar mas que yo. jejeje

Ella esta muy discontenta con las cosa que estan pasando. No puedo comprender, pero esta bien. Ella tiene un novio que lo ama mucho (no puedo hablar por su novio). Hay una persona...creo que la persona soy yo... que esta destruyendo su vida. Todos sus 'amigos' quieren que ella habla con esta 'persona' (se llama persona x).

Bueno, no se que hizo persona x. Pobre persona x... LA DEJO EN EL OSCURO! Ella no quiere confrontar esta persona. Estoy esperando hasta que me habla.

A veces quiero abrazar mi mejor amiga... despues de todo, la quiero mucho. Pero si me odia, no estoy perdiendo tiempo, verdad?

I can't believe he chose me.... out of everyone he could have had.

I am..... so very lucky.

Ever been guilty for something you know you shouldn't be guilty over? It may not be your fault. You may have even tried to prevent it or something, but it still hurt someone. God, I really wonder why I came back here. I've caused too many waves. If I went back to Argentina, then maybe it'll all patch itself up again. Trying to help it by being here would cause even more pain.

But I can't believe how happy I am with Zavy. I'm still not quite used to the fact of 'being owned' somewhat. Okay, not owned, but taken extreme care of. I don't cry myself to sleep anymore. Gosh do I miss him. I hope he gets home really soon even though I know he's got to be having a great time with his brother. What a riot.

I went over to Rini's house so I could borrow the books for my Honors World Lit class so I can get rolling on my summer project. Amber Zilinski and her boyfriend Darren were over. Darren is a nice guy. I've talked to him before, but I'm afraid to make eye contact with him. I think he might see something in me that I don't want out. I usually look down at the floor and speak softly when he's around.

I wish I could talk to Yuki. I miss him.

The doctor's office called and told me that I'm perfectly healthy after having all those tests done. ~Shudder~ I have 350 some odd days until another round of testing. Bah.

So I guess I'll walk away now. I've probably said too much anyway.

1. What is your middle name? Rose
2. What color underwear are you wearing now? Nice blue color.
3. What are you listening to right now? Adam's Song...
4. what are the last 2 digits in your phone number? 28

5. What was the last thing you ate? Pizza

6. If you were a crayon what color would you be? A deep scarlet red.
7. How is the weather right now? Hotter than hell. 85 degrees and it's almost midnight.
8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My Mom.
9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Eyes.
10. Favorite type of Food: The good kind...?
11. Do you drink? I'll have a glass of wine with dinner sometimes.
12. Do you smoke? I've quit.
13. Ever get so drunk you dont remember what you did? No.
14. Hair color: Reddish brown.
15. Eye color: Hazel
16. Do you wear contacts? Sure do.
17. Single? Not at the moment. I'm taken by the best in the world.
18. Favorite Month? October. The Halloweenish-Autumn atmosphere is exciting.
19. Last Movie you Watched? Good Morning Vietnam.
20. Favorite Day of the Year? I don't think I have one.
21. Are you too shy to ask someone out? On occasion.
22. Hugs or Kisses? Long passionate kisses.
23. Chocolate or Vanilla? Vanilla.
24. Do you want your friends to respond back? I couldn't care less.
25. What books are you reading? A bunch of spanish lit right now.
26. Piercings? Many. 5 in right ear, 1 in left, left nostril, tongue, belly button. Lost my nipple ring. :(
27. Fav. Movies? Edward Scissorhands
28. Fav. baseball Team? Yankees.
29. Any pets? A cat named Phillip.
30. Buttered, plain or salted popcorn? Salted.
31. Dogs or cats? Only Phillip... ^_^*
32. Favorite Flower? Red roses.
33. What do you do when you wake up in the A.M.? Take a slow morning.
34. Do you still talk to your best friends from intermediate school? They still are my best friends.
35. What's on your desk? Computer, stacks of CD's, uncountable numbers of books, memory box.
36. Rock Concert or symphony? Rock Symphony. ^_^*
37. Play or Opera? Probably a play.
38. Have you ever fired a gun? Many times.
39. Do you like to travel by plane? HATE it.
40. Right-handed or Left-handed? Right.
41. How many pillows do you sleep with? 2.
42. Are you missing someone? Right now? Very much so.
43. What did you do today? Hung out with Alex, but I can't let Sue find that out can I? Because I'm a bad influence.

I hate having to lie to cover up elation.

I'm writting this poem book just for you,
'Cause I don't have nothin' better to do.
I could mow the grass or I could clean the kitchen,
If I did that then Mom might quit her bitchin'.
My bed still ain't made, this place is a mess,
But I'm just too lazy to clean I confess.
It's now been three weeks since the bathrooms were cleaned,
The scum in the toilet is turning dark green.
It might be a little offsensive to some,
But my life would not be the same without scum.
Mom is always pissin' and moanin',
But the sum in my bedroom just keeps right on growin'.
Under my bed there is food, clothes, and books,
But I really don't give a shit how the place looks.
My make-up is scattered all over the place,
My mirror is so dirty I can't see my face.
I wish that I knew where the windows could be,
They're so fuckin' dusty I can't even see.
The closets are totally filled to the brim,
There's not even room for my clothes to go in.
All of the clothes from last month that I wore,
Are laying in piles all over the floor.
What color's my carpet? Please do not ask.
'Cause finding that out is a three hour task.
The radio plays music that just makes me cough,
If I could find it I'd shut it right off.
When I'm here after work I feel so alone,
But when someone calls I just can't find the phone.
When company's over, poor Mom is disgraced,
Because of the mess in this God-awful place.
The mess around here would make your head spin,
I'd clean it all up if I knew where to begin.
There's more everyday for me to clean-up,
but as you can tell I have just given up.

As I sit and iron my hair while keeping an eye on "The Wedding Planner", I'm mulling. Yes ladies and gentlemen. Mulling. Over what, I'm not sure. Things have occurred in such little time, I can't even imagine where to begin.

~Well, I'm employed now. I work at the Park Place Hotel as a banquet server, dressed all in black and giving overweight upper-middle class men their meals.

~I'm not longer single. After hurting not only one, but two (Okay, so I haven't told Darryl yet) very worthy and kind guys hearts, I am now going out with Xavier Attee. I've....waited for a very long time for this. I never imagined it would happen. Doesn't seem real. Why would he chose me? There are.... so many girls- women out there who would fawn over him. Then again, I'm not sure there's another girl who would fawn over him like I would.

~Senior pictures are on Monday, and I still have no idea what to wear, after a good two weeks of deliberation.

~Gained some more weight. Isn't it supposed to go down when you come home?

~I have insomnia. I can't sleep.

~I went to the cemetary with Megan Harrigan and looked around for a while. I'm considering dressing in all black like I have the reason to go there and grieve. I'll even pack a picnic lunch.

~I've been calling Ariana. I haven't gotten any responses.

Not exactly the World News...

I went to Heather's wedding last night. It was odd to see my mentor stand before an altar speaking in a tongue that I never would have understood a mere 11 months ago to the man who was becoming her husband in the eyes of God. It was nice. Like a good poem.

The reception was nice too. Heather's mom partied like a rock-star. I wouldn't expect any less from her. Milagro was there, Heather and Sal's baby. She is one of the most beautiful works of art I've ever seen in my life. Her eyes are blue, but not the typical baby blue. It's such a dark and rich blue that they look almost black. Her hair is dark, and she's so petite you wonder if she'll ever grow.

Darryl and I danced cuarteto and cumbia throughout the night, learning new moves on occasion. After the father of the bride left the DJ put on rap, and those of us remaining began to grind on the dance floor.

All in all it was an amazing wedding. I hope someone gets married soon and wants Darryl to come too.

Darryl and I sorted things out. There was a common misconception. We're 'testing waters' so to speak. ^_^*

Bruce stood before me and my Rebound friend Adam to Germany and spoke of the exchange students he had seen grow up before his eyes.

"I'm 80, and I still see the exchange students that came here years ago. Only a few I am out of contact with. Two had died of cancer, a handful from car accidents. One, I have been told that he died of a heart attack, but I know the truth since they had found a gun next to his hand when they found him dead on the floor."

His blue eyes clouded up as if to show the world that his flashback was now taking effect.

And now that has passed and I wonder what his reaction would be when I kill myself.

Estoy en recuerdos de todo.... Y estoy escribiendo en castellano porque no quiero que Alex entiende. jeje

Only trying to erase my mind. I want out all these stupid ass memories. Last summer was the summer of my life, and now I want it back.... even though I took advantage of a situation. Shit...

...And so I told her the story that I've kept inside for a year.

"That's something you shouldn't keep a secret." She said to me.

I stared to the fan hanging on her wall. I'd had the intentions ever since the day it had occured to tell her. Was I supposed to unburden? Was it time?

Yes, yes. It shouldn't have devoloped into such a forbidden subject anyway.

But the girl in question would rather leave me than leave him.

Even though through hesitation, she'll watch the black words slither out of my mouth like a snake.

And that is when she'll see me for who I truly am... the worst woman alive.

I'm very, very frustrated. Lots to say, more to explain, but expecting little forgiveness.

I talked to Darryl tonight out by my car. I knew that people hated me... I didn't have to really suspect it as I had all these years, I should have just known. People hated me so much before I left because I was so self-indulged. I can't believe myself.

I keep using was. Am. I am self-indulged, and it's a habit that will end up with me being on the street, with no friends. Out in the dark, where I certainly belong.

I've betrayed, back-stabbed, ripped, torn, destroyed, and in any other words; all of my friendships. I was lucky enough however, to have a true friend whos colors shone through in their magnificent glory and saved me from myself earlier this evening.

Darryl said that everyone was dreading me coming back. I had become everyone's worst enemy over the year and suddenly it's scary to be around anymore. I like them all. They're all very worthy, righteous people who only deserve the best in the world.

His own mother said that I was a brat... destined to be the same, little and immature girl for the rest of my life.

Jocelyn said she hated to have me at this place I call 'home'.

Meredith had spoken with Darryl on the phone and when she heard that I was coming, suddenly declined. Luckly, he spoke to her about it, and she had shown up.

But to think, that I may have stopped someone tonight from being with the people and friends they love just because I was somewhere off to the side, and not being so talkative as I have been in previous years.

No wonder. Now that I think about it, I knew how to use the 'yo' or, 'I' forms in spanish first...

He saw a light though. Something no one had seen, even tried to give a second glance on. Thank...God for Darryl Hallman. He is my hero and my torch to hold through the night onto the right path. If he wouldn't have told me these things,

I probably would have been dead a year from now and blaming it all on them.

Mi Ultimo Dia en Argentina

00.00 hs- Todavia estoy despierta. Felipe llamo mi celular porque quiere saber a que hora me voy al aeropuerto. Llame su celular, su casa, y la casa de una amiga. Nadie contesto. Enojada, vuelvo a dormir

09.00 hs- Gracias a mi celular, desperte y senti un sensacion en mi panza algo como los nervios. Voy a la cocina para tomar una poco de desayuno. Como una galletita de agua y una taza de jugo de naranja. Siento como no puedo comer mas todo el dia o vomitare. Voy al peluqueria.

10.00 hs- Estoy en la peluqueria. Ella me habla sobre mi intercambio y como fue. Dije la verdad que fue muy lindo, y extrañare Argentina y mis amigos aca. La sensacion en mi panza crece mas grande todavia.

11.00 hs- Voy al cyber, y ahora estoy aca. Estoy re nerviosa. No quiero comer. Estoy pensando en mis amigos aqui, alli, de todo los lado en el mundo. Todavia no puedo creer que mi año en Argentina se termino, y en unas horas estare en Grand Rapids con mis Papis, Alex, Ariana, y Kenny. Estoy muriendo para saber como va a pasar cuando veo primera mano que estan de novios ahora. Espero que Kenny me ayuda olividar. Jeje!

Gracias a Dios por un año que nunca me voy a olividar. Una año lleno del amor, amistad y recuerdos.

My Last Day In Argentina

Midnight- I'm still awake. Felipe called my cell phone becuase he wants to know at what time I'll be at the airport. I called his cell, his house, and his friend's cell phone. Nobody answered. Annoyed, I return to bed.

9:00 am- Thanks to my cell phone, I woke up and feel something like nerves. I go to to kitchen for a little bit of breakfast. I drink a cup of juice and a water cracker. I feel as if I can't eat for the rest of the day or I'll throw up. I go to the hair place.

10:00 am- I'm at the hair place. The hair lady talks to me about my year and how it went. I told her the truth that it went really nicely and I will miss Argentina and my friends. The sensation in my stomach grows larger still.

11:00 am- I go to the cyber cafe and now I'm here. I'm very nervous. I don't want to eat. I'm thinking about my friends here, there, from all over the world. I still can't believe that my year in Argentina is over and in a few hours I'll be in Grand Rapids with my parents, Alex, Ariana, and Kenny. I'm dying to know what will happen when I see Alex and Ariana frist hand as 'a couple'. I hope Kenny helps me forget. Haha!

Thank God for a year that I will never forget. A year full of love, friendship and memories.

My final moments in Argentina...

Is it really over?

So I have a week left and aparently I have a 5 person welcome home committee which I honestly can't wait for. Strangely enough, I'm SUPER excited to see Kenny.

Sorry I'm not writing.... but you all can read my real diary when I return. If your ready for the surprises that it.

I hope to god I never have children as ANNOYING as this kids are in the cyber.

My poor hosties. They must toally be sick of the mess I have in my room.
So I'm cleaning up my room a bit. throwing stuff out, putting stuff into piles because I'm getting ready to come home. I have 19 days left.

I was pulling out all my drawers earlier tonight to get the stuff out I probably wasn't going to use in the next 19 or so days so I could pack it. I arrived to my bottom drawer and pulled it out. It's nearly always out so that I can use it for a clothes hamper and hide it when needed.

We have to wash our own underwear in the shower because the maid won't do it for us. Sometimes it's just easier to just let all my laundry accumulate and I wash it myself by hand.

I opened the drawer and put everything in the dirty clothes hamper in the bathroom so the maid can take care of what she can but what's left? My underwear, of course.

So I go into the washroom. We have a big baisin where I can wash clothes by hand. How much underwear?

Half a months supply. Over two weeks worth of dirty underwear....and how long has it been in there?

Most of it since before I went on North Trip... halfway through April.

Have I not a heart to break?
Blood to spill?
Dreams to shatter?

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Stephanie Rose Jones
Birthday:	December 15
Birthplace:	Traverse City, Michigan
Current Location:	Argentina... but not for long
Eye Color:	Hazel
Hair Color:	Redish brown
Height:	Midget worthy
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Both, mostly right
Your Heritage:	Scotish
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Vans
Your Weakness:	A certain young man
Your Fears:	Being alone
Your Perfect Pizza:	Pepporoni
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Find someone who loves me as much as I love them
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	^_^*
Thoughts First Waking Up:	Ouch.
Your Best Physical Feature:	My eyes? Not sure
Your Bedtime:	As early as possible when I've got school. Hehe
Your Most Missed Memory:	7th grade
Pepsi or Coke:	Coke
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Burger King
Single or Group Dates:	Depends. I like both. Group at first, then to seperate.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Hate both
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Coffee
Do you Smoke:	I quit
Do you Swear:	Hell yah
Do you Sing:	Daily
Do you Shower Daily:	Yes
Have you Been in Love:	...Yeah
Do you want to go to College:	Yes
Do you want to get Married:	Yes
Do you belive in yourself:	Not at all
Do you get Motion Sickness:	No
Do you think you are Attractive:	Nope
Are you a Health Freak:	Not in the least
Do you get along with your Parents:	Yeah, I do
Do you like Thunderstorms:	Yes. They're the best to dance in.
Do you play an Instrument:	Yes, the flute and the sax.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	Yes
In the past month have you Smoked:	...Hmm. Nope.
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	Nope
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	DAMN IT! STOP!
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	Yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	No Oreos in Argentina
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	Never eaten it
In the past month have you been on Stage:	Of course
In the past month have you been Dumped:	No
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	No
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	No
Ever been Drunk:	Yes
Ever been called a Tease:	Of course
Ever been Beaten up:	I did the beating. Does that count?
Ever Shoplifted:	No
How do you want to Die:	Bleeding to death
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	A Mother.
What country would you most like to Visit:	I want to go to find my family in Scotland.
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	Never dated a guy without blue eyes, but eyes don't matter.
Favourite Hair Color:	Not important
Short or Long Hair:	Long is better
Height:	Taller than me
Weight:	Not too big
Best Clothing Style:	The darker the better
Number of Drugs I have taken:	Zip
Number of CDs I own:	Too many to count
Number of Piercings:	10
Number of Tattoos:	1
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	I lost count
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

You scored as Drama nerd. Drama nerd 69% Loner 63% Goth 56% Stoner 50% Punk/Rebel 44% Geek 44% Ghetto gangsta 13% Prep/Jock/Cheerleader 0% What's Your High School Stereotype? created with QuizFarm.com

Take it. I want to see.

What that supposed to mean? I know things are gonna change dear, but I'm really worried about what you wrote in your livejournal. Thing will be changed. I'm more mature and heaps more outgoing, but that isn't going to change our friendship! I already feel like a complete and total...bad person for going on this exchange in the first place, but think about it. You've learned lots from me being gone too. You've become more independent, aquired a boyfriend, made new friends that I've never even met, gotten a car, a drivers liscence... quite a bit. I feel like I held you down the entire time.

I'm sorry if you're worried. My intentions aren't to steal Alex. I want you to be happy.

SO here's the DL, dawgy.

-Last night I went out with Sandra to a disco and had a pretty bitchin' time. We pretended not to speak spanish in the least and so we had all these guys simply swarming over us and trying to get us in the sack. It was a good time.

-My parents informed my today that they bought the VW Harlequin that I wanted to badly.
The side view:

The front view:

The back view:

Love it? I do.

-I don't have school on Wednesday thank GOD.

-I called Darryl a few days ago and it was do nice to talk to him. I really want to come home now. NOW.

-It looks like Rini might come down to recieve me in the airport. I can't wait to see her.

-I think I'm gonna break up with Dario....

-Nothing else I suppose. Tune in next time.

I'm suprised I remembered my bloody passwrod it's been so long....

So Rini, I told you I'd keep you updated on any boy situations so I hope this satisfies your need.

I've been going to the Dinosaurio Mall 4 or 5 blocks from my house everyday. They have an ice skating rink so I can exercise and I'm actually improving a lot. To my recolection I haven't been this good in a long time. I feel heaps better about myself too, since I'm finally getting out and exercising.

I've become friends with the two people who are always running the rink. The girl I met first when I went with Felipe the first time. Her name is María and is a super sweet girl. She's always got a smile on her face. She's young so obviously were going to get along better than me and some 40 year old.

The other guy is named Darío, and he's a super nice guy too. He's young too, like 21. He watches me skate, and doesn't laugh at me when/if I fall.

So yesterday I finished skating after an hour or so and I was red faced and sweaty from trying to go so fast. I sat down to talk to him and we really got a good discussion going. We talked for an hour or so and I finally get the guts to ask him if he's got a girlfriend. Nope, he doesn't.

"Do you? At home? Here?" He asked.

"Nah. I had something before I left but that broke off pretty quick, but no guys here. I haven't been out on a date here yet." I said.

"I find that hard to believe. You're very pretty." He said.

"Thanks but..."

"I mean it. Do you go out much with your friends then?" He asked.

"Yeah, I'm one of the more mellow exchange students because I'm not hitting the streets every free night I have, but I love going out on the weekends. Have you been the 'La Barra'?" (La Barra is one of the more famous discos in the city. Notorious for it's 3 floors and expensive drinks.)

"Once or twice. I just moved back here about a year ago, and before I moved I wasn't old enough to get in."

"I love La Barra. It's super cool." I said, picking at my nail polish.

"Wanna go with me sometime? Like, if you want."

I looked at his face with a big smile. "Yeah, definately."

I had to get going soon, but we kept talking. He doesn't smoke, and he likes kids. When I said goodbye and turned to leave, he shouted after me "We'll make arrangements to go out when I see you tomorrow."

There's my little bit of history. So he starts working at 6 tonight and I'm hoping to get there a little before that so I could say hi to María. God did she give me shit the other night. "Oooooh! How long did you talk to Darío for? Ahhh! Look! You're blushing!"

Bah María, I love you lots, but you humiliate me sometimes.

I didn't sleep well last night and my ass feels extremely kicked. My taxi did't come this morning so I was extrememly late leaving the house. 'I don't want to go to school' I whinned in my head.

So....why should I? Wht reason do I have to be there?

"Ya know, you can just stop in front of the supermarket." I said to my taxi driver.

So I sat outside the Disco store (that's the name of the super market) in my old neighborhood. This is actually where I wrote this entry. I feel like wasting the day in the centro, buying fishnet stockings and the pair of courderoys I saw that I liked too much. Dad, Sanitago, AND Lucas work in the centro though. I'm nervous that I'll be caught.

Essentially, the only reason I feel that is good enough to make me go to school is that I didn't go yesterday either because I had a Rotary meeting. And I already paid my taxi to get me here.

No matter what I do, I'm skipping first hour. It's true to just barge in during the middle of class here.

Damn, if my taxi weren't late, I wouldn't be having these juvinial delinquient type situations.

I'm enjoying, so far, the freedom that no one gave me. I've been sitting here for 10 minutes and writing. IN ENGLISH. It's not notes, but rather something for my own enjoyment.

I've never played hookie actually now that I think about it. There have been days that I just stayed home and pretended to be sick so that I could write all day and eat ice cream out of the box. So far, this is pretty cool.

No way in HELL I would do this in the states. The cops are LOOKING for truant students. I suppose I might skip in the states. I don't have a uniform in the states as I do here. In normal clothes I can blend in.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to pretend that I'm big punk ass on campus for skiving off from school becuase that's definately NOT what I feel. What am I? A girl who is sick of school so she's taking a day off to enjoy her own company.

I honestly don't know what happened to me. I really liked school up until I started again two weeks ago. I'm exhausted when I arrive and nearlly everyday I doze off in class. Fantin and I had a fight on Tuesday about NOTHING, I swear. He gets upset about the dumbest things. I crumpled up his papers accidently when I borrowed them to take notes. They feel out of my binder and were crumpled at the bottom of my bag.
Shoot me. I creased my friend's history notes. I've committed the unpardonable pin.

I should make a pro and con list and decide off of that whether I should go to school or not.

PROS:
-A day off
-No boredom
-Doing something worthwhile
-Doing a bit of studying (It may sound crazy if I'm skipping school to study, but studying I don't mind. It's attending classes.)
-The 'Central Azul' busses pass nearly every 5 minute, taking me to the centro, shopping and loads of cybers. The stop is directly across the street from me.
-I have to get to the centro some time today anyway to get my note from Rotary.

CONS:
-I didn't go to school yesterday and a week from today I'll be leaving on North Trip and I'll be off from school for 2 weeks.
-IF I get caught, I'll die of embarrassment.
-I already paid for my taxi for 8 miles across town and it cost a lot.

It's the moment of truth. I have to decide now. It's almost 9 and that's when my 2nd period starts. Do I show up empty handed, no note, an good reason to be late? Or do I head over to that bus stop and wait for that big old Central Azul to chug by, catch it, and when I get home today lie straight faced to my family and tell them school was boring as usual?

I think I made up my mind the first time the Central Azul passed by and I first got the idea. Chau, I'm off to the centro.

I'm whipped.

Today was the first time I saw Fran since what I so affectionatley call 'the kiss' in my heart. I started shaking and I had to be careful how often I looked into his eyes. What if I got lost?

When we're together, I forget to breathe. My brain shuts down and I don't think like I should. No words transfer except "Wow". I have no idea why he affects me so much.

When I leave him to go to class, I'm shaking and easy to make smile, but I feel empty at thesame time and I can feel my heart breaking. Sometimes I feel physically sick. Sometimes I really want to cry. Right now I'm super happy because I saw him, but at the sametime I can't help but wonder if I would feel like this if I hadn't.

I feel betrayed in this insanely ridiculous way becuase Fran and I can be open with our feelings for each other, but for some reason it's so incredible hush hush with the others. I want to tell the world that I love him.

I love him....

I started and finished 'A Walk To Remember' last night. I cried and it was an oddly miserable content feeling.

I cried while holding Alex's raggity sweatshirt that he sent me (and it still has his smell) and I knew that I missed them so much. Everyone.

Then I thought I only have 3 and a half months left anyway which isn't such a substantial amount of time. I rolled over and thought some more. Fran. I would be leaving Fran. I couldn't do it. Hold it in I mean. I burst open and sobbed.

It's been a while. Oops.

I changed host families yesterday and it was by far one of the most weirdest feelings I've ever had. I was glad to get out of that hell hole that I'd lived in for so long (Only two and a half months, but it felt like the whole year) and be in more of a family setting, but as the same time it sucked so much when Lily said that she was sorry she wasn't a better Mom for me.

"It's okay Lily, you did a lot for me. Look at me now. I'm in school and healthy"

She was skeptical. I don't think that she thought I was serious about it, but I really meant it.

School was an absolute dream after being couped up in the house for two weeks straight. Seeing all my friends....I had to hold back tears. I know now much much I'll miss them. Sure I want to go home because I want to see everybody and speak a language that I'm 100 percent confident in, but regardless of the mistakes that I make here, my friends here still love me and I love them.

Today is Good Friday and myself going to a Catholic School have been told not to bother coming. Sweetness. I can deal (I just wish I could go to Buenos Aires!!! >_<*). So today's plan is to meet Felipe (the Brazilian exchange student I was raving about a few entries ago). Don't ask me what we're doing. He just called this morning while I was asleep and said 'Let's go do something'. Whatever. I like getting out now. I don't feel guilty doing it.

This family is great. I have two sisters who live with me, a Mom, a Dad, a brother who is married and has a son (who is my host nephew), and the other brother JUST moved out recently. He's my hero. He went to Indiana on exchange. Actually, EVERYONE in the family has gone on exchange. Except Magda, my host Mom. I have another sister too, but she's currently on exchange in Austria. She was a bitch when I met her though. No loss.

I still miss my first familiy like crazy-ness, and I feel angry becuase Liz and Saskia get to be there when they hated the idea of going there in the first place. Liz is in love with my biggest brother Ariel, Saskia could probably second that. It's frustrating that they're stealing my family.

On a lighter note which doesn't include and intended pun, I tried on my pants that my Mom brought for me from the states. They didn't fit when she came, if fact I almost told her to bring it all back with her. I'm glad I kept them because I can proudly say that my size 8 pants fit now. Except in the butt. I've lost weight in my butt. I can wear my punk-esque clothes now. I feel weird in them though since I haven't worn form fitting clothes in months.

So things that have happened..... hm. I went to a family dinner last night and ate fondue for the first time. It's good. I was also told that the girls aren't going to Buenos Aires so that means I'm not either. I found the bus stop in the neighborhood and can walk from the house to the bus stop, ride the bus, get off the bus and walk to school in a rather minimal amount of time. Or Fran's house!

Bah, Fran. I'm sooooo completely wrapped up in his spell. I feel like there's something wrong with the relationship, like a taboo and that's kinda hot. He's a year and a half younger than me, meaning he's 15. He's got me around his pinky finger and I'm just waiting for his call, pining. This isn't healthy. If I get anymore love sick, I'm going to randomly burst into song like in some type of musical and the people on the street will start doing back flips and sing back up.

The thing that confuses me though, is that Felipe called ME instead of a school friend or Gilm, the other Brazilian. Cray-zay.

Allow me to finish this entry now. I only have 15 minutes left until I meet Felipe at the fountain in front of Patio Olmos shopping.

Rini, I hope this entry was long enough to satisfy you crazy cultural needs; and to get some drama. Mmm, drama. ^_^*

Paz, CONEJO!

It's funny, it hasn't even been a week since I was bitching to Fantin in school how long it's been since I have kissed someone.

Fran an I have gotten super closer over the past few days because of school and seeing each other. Today I went to school to pick him up so he'd have someone to travel back to my neighborhood with (he lives in my neighborhood on the weekends). We had a good time.

We went to his house and he ate his lunch, then later we went to my house and chilled. It started raining and we went on the covered patio and talked about the rain and music and school and anything else that came to mind. It was nice. We bonded.

He had to go at around 8, so I walked him to the corner of Parque De Las Naciones and Adolfo....something.

"Wait," I said before he left the curb. "Can I...?"

I stalled for what felt like a minute.

"Can I kiss you?"

"Yeah."

And we kissed. I had my first kiss in Argentina.

My whipped iced dairy drink brings the attentions of many males to my place of residence and/or employment, and they declare that its quality far surpasses that of yours. Absolutely, it far surpasses yours. I could convey to you the proverbial recipe, but I would have to demand compensation.

Wow. Pop music is intelectual.

I realize that I'm one of the most selfish and jealous people in the whole world. For example, when I want something and I work at it, I don't want to share it. This is especially true with boys. Lending money I have no problem with and nor do I have a problem treating a friend to lunch. I drive myself crazy with technicalities.

Then there are some things that make me think. I just step back from the situation and think 'Holy shit'. Today I felt an example of this.

I was riding on the bus at a guy was holding onto the pole to keep steady and he had scars all up and down the inside of his arms. I stared and stared with little though actually being processed until I realized how hard I was clapping my hand over my own scars. I looked down to my arm and saw the pale angelic like scars.

I wanted to show him mine. Tell him my story. I realized I didn't really have one. Not a reason to start cutting, but I did it anyway and I loved it. I miss it sometimes. The pain from piercings goes away after a week and I'm worse than I was before. I had my taste of pain and I liked it and I wanted more.

Average people think I'm sick. I can't tell anyone this. It's harder than hell to try to explain because when you think you've finally gotten your point across, they ask you if you've been to a shrink lately.

It's not so much as trying to have someone understand, it's more of the satisfaction of not having to carry this burden and it's satisfactory. To me, telling someone is just as satisfactory as inflicting pain onto myself. My problem is that I have to be very careful in choosing who to tell. I can tell Ariana or Alex or someone like that, but I have to tell a new person everytime that I ha(d/ve) this problem. I have to be DAMNED careful so that I won't be turned in to the nuthouse.

Therefore, if I can't tell anyone, I cut.

I can't believe that any of it makes sense. It's okay if it doesn't but I just satisfacted myself just then beyond what I could have ever done by cutting.

Today was actually an awesome day despite getting up at 9 in the morning to go to the Plaza De San Martin. I got there early for a Rotary function and the new exchange students were there. It made me feel so entirely old, looking at all this fresh, new blood (even though the majority are older than me). The two Brasilians are probably my two favorite exchange students (now replacing Karen and Nicole who seemed to be doing thier damnest to ignore me today.

One is named... oh shit. Gilmar! He's from the same province as Andre was from. He's a real nice guy. He's a little taller than me with brown eyes and very pretty dirty blonde hair. He's 16, a young 'un. ^_^*

And then there's Felipe. Okay, so his full name is Luiz Felipe de Paulo Lofti, but that's hard for me to get my pierced tounge around, ya know? So we just call him Felipe. He's tall with this beautiful long, dark hair. His skin is darker than your average persons (certainly more so than mine), and he has the most beautiful eyes. He's 17, like me, but 6 months older.

Neither of them speak english. ^_^* That makes me happy.

I couldn't stop staring at Felipe. My heart just pounded and I felt so much happier than before.

So getting back to my original story, I was early, but so were the boys and Fran, the girl from New Zealand. I got up to having a really super good conversation with them. If they like Argentina, how long they've been here, all that exchange shit.

We stood up and watched the unveiling of the new, sexier statue of San Martin, and we were all in our blazers. It was hotter than fuck, and most of us were wearing pants. Gilmar and Felipe were wearing their school uniform; pants and a long sleeve dress shirt with a tie. When you put on the blazer over than. I could imagine how completely MISERABLE they were.

I stole a glance at Felipe when we were standing their trying to promote peace by holding our damned flags. Well, I tried at least. He was already looking at me so I got busted. He fanned himself with a fan. "Que calor!" He mouthed to me. I smiled and giggled.

After that, we went out to lunch with a group of exchange students and I got yelled at by Jackie for drinking beer with my tounge newly pierced (Fuck off, I'm drinking with the boys, not you!).

They questioned me what she had said. I told them I couldn't smoke or drink for the next week (even though I don't smoke). "Ahh," Felipe said in spanish. "That means you can't kiss either." I shrugged.

So Felipe has a camera phone and he showed me pictures of all his friends and family back home in Brasil. He had some, shall I say.... incriminating pictures of a drunken night at home with his host brother and his friends here. I smiled at all of them and I actually thought they were genuinely funny (Come on! You can get a penis joke out of me ANY day!).

So we drank and he smoked (fine, I stole two puffs off of his damn cigarette, okay?!) and we had a great time. We promised each other we'd go out to a night club together. I said for him to call me sometime, and he said 'call me too'. Okay, if I must. ^_^*

When he left I felt all tingly inside and I can't help but think something so incredibly wierd....

I just met the love of my life.

Well, here it is. I FINALLY did it.

When I woke up this morning, I was immediately served lunch (after I changed out of my humiliating PJ's) and then went to sit on the couch when my eye was pulled over to a booklet from a place called 'Red Megatone'. I looked over the stuff they were selling.

Cellphones, digital cameras, CD players, DVD players, fridges...the list goes on and on. I know that I could easily afford nearly anything in there, seeing as my dollar goes farther than the Argentine peso, but I couldn't help but to feel a surge of guilt.

I know a lot of my friends in Argentina are saving up for something special, such as a cell phone or CD player. I remember back in the states that I did the exact same thing with my dollars, seeing as the dollar has the same buying power as a peso (For example, a book in the States costs 15 dollars, but here it's 15 pesos).

Anything electronic, they buy from Japan or United States and at the exchange rate, it can at times triple. A cheap CD player costs 120 pesos. To those in the USA, it's like a 120 dollar CD player.

I remember when I was in the 6th grade, all I wanted was a Gameboy Color. Pink. It was hard for me to ask for it for Christmas. I hate to ask for anything, and anything so expensive....

So I decided to save my money. I remember I got a baby-sitting gig during Spring Break in when I was 12 so that put me over when I needed to be. I had over 100 dollars, and not only could I buy my Gameboy, I could buy a game. I was beyond happy.

That's probably the same self worth that they acchieve when they get the things they want, only they don't have jobs to obtain them. In the states, if I wanted something, it really didn't matter so much because I had money tucked away from working so much. My flute, for example, I bought for 450 dollars and I had it all in my bank account. It felt good to know that I had that much money put away!

It's really hard to explain to a little 6 year old boy that the peso is worth so much significantly less than my dollar. He starts to think that he's poor, but still wants to learn more. Then he wants to know what the Chilean peso is worth (It's like the yen. There's probably 100 yen to the dollar, but you need a shit load of yen to buy anything). Then he gets all cocky because he thinks that his peso is so high and mighty, while in reality it's one of the least stable forms of money in the world.

All this talk of money makes my head spin. To cut it short, Argentines have to short end of the straw. What does this country have going for them? Nothing. Absolutely jack shit.

Wait, they do have cows....

My host parents left last night to go out to the country house of their friends. They haven't been home yet, and it's almost 7 pm. So what have I done in this past 24 hours without them??

I stayed up until 8 am talking on the internet, intenting to see the sunrise with the damned house in front of us blocked it. I went to sleep and I slept until 1. I booted the computer and made some hot dogs for lunch. After I ate I got some clothes and did two loads while wasting time on the net. It's beautiful. Absolutely wonderful.

Right now I'm playing internet card game bullshit and rubbing my picky legs. I should shave. I'm gonna wax.

I'm fully enjoying my alone time. I'm sitting in a pair of boxers and a tank top because I know that I don't have to try to impress Lily or Alberto like I have to everyday. I have a good, lazy feeling about me, and right now I wouldn't change that for the world.

If they knew I was on the computer all day I'd be shot. "You're so anti-social!"

Suck my gothic cock.

Yes, it comes in different personalitys. (No pun intended)

She said: Others are happy (with me, or happy in general), I am happy. But I have a feeling that the only way I can be happy right now is to hurt someone, and it's far against my nature.
He said: You want to hurt these people?
She said: Of course not! I'd rather sit and watch it all happen and put on the happy face than make someone else miserable. I've never felt like I needed to fullfill myself, but now I feel guilty for wanting something good to come my way. I feel wrong.
He said: But the only way for you to be happy is...?
She said: To hurt someone.

Let's play a game. I'm playing a mix of damned good songs, and I'll select my favorite lyrics from it and you guess what song it is. Song OR Artist is accepted. Both gets extra points. What do you win? Occupied time!

1. An' invisible man sleepin' in your bed, Oh who ya gonna call?
2. I feel stupid and contagous.
3. I miss Alabamy once again, And I think its a sin, yes. (Easy one)
4. The bride walks down just to start the wedding, And there's one more girl you won't be getting.
5. Who, Zeppelin, Beatles, Kiss, The Rolling Stones,While we played guitars in air. (Modern)
6. You can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a woman's man no time to talk.
7. Before I go insane I put a pillow to my head and spring up in my bed and scream the words I dread.
8. And any time you feel the pain, hey, Jude, refrain. (Think, it's obvious)
9. Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea, Joy to you and me. (Too easy, but you'll have to know your oldies)
10. Junebug skipping like a stone.



Are we read for the answers??

1. Ghostbusters- Ray something....
2. Smells Like Teen Spirit- Nirvana
3. Sweet Home Alabama- Lynard Skynard
4. Bust A Move- Young MC
5. California- Lenny Kravitz
6. Stayin' Alive- Bee Gees
7. I Think I Love You- Partidge Family
8. Hey Jude- Beatles
9. Joy To The World- Three Dog Night
10. 1979- Smashing Pumkins

My music tastes are silly. ^_^*

There are so many words to write, but my mind feels blocked. Almost broken. I know my heart is. AS I look over some of these old entries, I realize how upset I was...how upset I am. I want to give up. Go home. Go to bed and cry myself to sleep like always.

But crying doesn't do it anymore. There's one thing that I'm absolutely yerning for, and it's a razor.

I can't of course. Being in Argentina and being summer. If I had the audacity, which I do, and it were winter, I doubt I'd hesitate.

Jealousy is a nasty, evil thing that I’d die to ride the world of, yet it consumes my soul. You're right, don't try to make me happy. I need to create my own happiness, but truthfully, my happiness is so incredibly hard to explain to the outsider.

For me to be happy, others around me need to be happy. If everyone around me is happy, as am I. There's always something missing though. I've never been able to put my finger on it, and I still can't. It was something that I had in the 7th grade, that slipped the summer before 8th. Whatever it was, I had completely lost it by the time I turned 15. Is it good grades? I doubt it.

Stephanie Jones on: Deception

I was lying in bed with my bear on one arm and Alex's sweatshirt in the other. My mother was snoring like usual in the bed next to me, when I got up. I went through my mother's purse looking for a phone card to call Alex, and instead, what did I find in my mother's center compartment?

A half package of cigarettes and a lighter. I held a hand to my mouth and I began to gag. In frustration, I grabbed her flight information and shredded it. Finding the biggest piece I scribbled messily the message that ran through my mind.

"You lied to me. I was so proud of you too."

I went into hysterics on the lawn in our backyard. I sobbed loudly and sat on the ground rocking back and forth holding Alex's sweatshirt close to my chest. I looked up to the sky and asked why, if there was a god, he would do this.

When he answered his phone, I asked him to 'talk a jumper off it's ledge'. He did.

She 'quit' on Christmas Eve when I was 14 as my Christmas present. It's all I wanted that year.

She was dying of lung failure before she 'stopped'.

Who knows how long she's been lying.

That bitch.

Stephanie Jones on: Symbols

If there is one symbol in the entire world that could sum up nearly all of my good memories and my bad, that would be the Japanese symbol for love. I see it and it brings forth such a multitude of complex feelings but that symbol I don't only associate with the word for what it stands for, but a name. A beautiful name. Two of them.

One of which is Mina, whose very name makes my heart still skip a beat and I realize how much I miss her and how I won't have her when I'm back. I won't be able to hug her or to kiss her on the cheek....

I won't speak of the other. The name makes me feel ill. A good ill, but none the less....

He gave me a necklace for our six month anniversary and it was absolutely gourgeous. It was silver with a charm on it that said love in Japanese. "Because I love you." He said.

"And I love you."

Stephanie Jones on: Feelings and Free Writing

If I were in the states, I would cut.

Here's my free write time.

I was in the 8th grade and standing in my dirty gym clothes. I hated school. I hated gym. It all sucked, and it was only a single month into the year. Thank god that gym was the last class of the day.

We were doing pair gymnastics this week, and oh what the irony? My best friend and I were fighting. Obviously we didn't want anything to do with each other, so we were forced to choose less worthy partners. She got the class bully named Sandra, but it was me who had the worse luck. This year we had a new boy named Brenden who, for some reason, just didn't fit into anybody's groups. I swore I had the worst luck out of any girl in the entire school.

I sat next to him, but made sure I had plenty of room between the two of us. The first exercise was to press our feet together and pull each other by pulling on each other's hands. We were forced to lace fingers. His hands were relatively soft and nice and his grip was strong. I stared at him hands, then looked into his eyes. His was looking intensively at me.

"Take a picture, it'll last longer." I said, releasing my grip from his, and letting him fall to the floor.

It went on for the next two days, but I noticed he wasn't in school on Thursday. Oh well, guess I'll have to sit today out!

He wasn't in school on Friday either, but that's when Mrs. Rhodeau called me over at the beginning of class to talk to me.

"I suppose you might be wondering why Brenden is here. He seems to be your friend."

I was tempted to say that I really didn't give a shit, that I only talk to him because I have to, and that I wouldn't be his friend even if my life depended on it. I kept my mouth shut.

"Brenden's mother died on Wednesday night in a car accident."

I couldn't hear anymore. I put a hand to my cheek and I noticed it was soaked with tears. I asked to be excused. I ran to the girls locker room and cried for the rest of the hour, and on the bus, and even walking home.

Why in hell is this boy and his dead mother effecting me this way?

I didn't eat dinner that night, and I was miserable for the rest of the weekend.

On Monday, Brenden was there. His eyes were cast downward, like he couldn't look at me. I lifted his head up with my finger, and began to speak.

"I know that apologizing won't take back all the shitty things I said to you, but I'm gonna try." I said, getting choked up.

He thanked me and said that all he wanted was to have a friend.

When we intertwined our fingers to start the gymnasics, I didn't dread it. His grip was still strong and it made me feel that he still had strength inside.

I kept thinking about how tight his fingers would have been around his father's hands the night his mother died.

I'm a morbid writer, and I apologize for any mistakes or bad grammer, etc, but I really felt the need to write and get some emotion out. If you enjoyed it, good for you.

Annie Jones on: Oh shit....

I'm so incredibly nervous now. I'm going to the airport in about half an hour to meet my Mom. Not some Argentine Mom, but my real Mom. This is the first time I get to see her in 6 months. I can't imagine what the year would be like. Not as bad I think. She wouldn't have to see my way of life while I'm still here. I certainly don't live the lifestyle of a virgin.

For example, last night, I stayed out partying until 4, very well knowing that I would have to wake up at 8. I arrived home at 4:30 and stayed up until probably 5:15 or 5:30. I put on make-up on my eyes to make sure it looks like I got more that 2 and a half hours of sleep. It's hard to cover-up though. At least I didn't drink so much as to be hung-over.

Should get going. Robert refuses to get up....

Annie Jones on: Differences

I'm not weathering the storm like I know I should. I have 'the strength' that everybody says I have, right? I don't want to bring out the life-is-so-hard-sometimes card. We all know that. Bringing it up would be a case of redundance. Besides, it's not worth it to make someone else upset.

Something is toying with my thinking though, and I couldn't tell you what. Everything was so the same and now it's like everything is so different.

I was beginning to enjoy my time here. Maybe it was rose colored glasses. How can things be their real tint when a good friend comes to visit you and your own Mother is on the way? But today really made me realize what I have in this host family; very little.

I was talking on the computer with my parents with the webcam. It was nice to see them. Dad got a haircut, Mom looks paler. So then I hear a crash from Robert's room.

"What was that?" I yelled.

"The picture."

There was a picture drawn of Fede and some of his friends and it was given to him as a gift before he left. I never liked the picture much. Looking at it for too long creeped me out. I hate to see Fede. He makes me so angry when I see pictures.

I came in and saw the frame in pieces and a rather freaked out Robert. The frame was virtually non-existant. It was more like two pieces of glass pressed together with the picture in the middle and clamps to keep the glass together.

Robert and I weren't exactly looking forward to breaking the news to Lily and Alberto. My Mom said that she personally wouldn't be angry because people make mistakes. As long as the picture itself wasn't harmed, why did it matter? We went downstairs for dinner and I sat in my seat.

"I have a problem I need to tell you." Robert said. "The photo of Fede and his friends, the frame broke."

Lily became infuriated. She yelled obscenities and took Robert upstairs. He was very much shaken by what she was saying to him. I sat at the kitchen table with Alberto in silence. I felt sick. I didn't eat dinner. I couldn't. I felt so sick. How could she be such a heartless person?

I realized how great my Mom really is. How much I miss her. How much I'm anticipating her arrival.

I became so nervous about how I'm going to manage to let my Mom go. Am I going to allow her to get on an airplane to go back to my home, while I'm stuck playing make-believe to an audience about how we're a happy family? I've never felt more alone in my entire life, and I have someone by my side to help me even. How am I going to let Robert go?

I've not felt such a strong urge to go home. It burns. What else was I supposed to expect when I was told flat out that they wanted Liz back instead of having me in their house. I know I sound angry, but it hurts. I feel more hurt than any other emotion. Of course I'm angry that they don't treat me well, but it hurts more because they don't care about me.

I recieved a note from Lily a few days ago.

'Ani-

Clean your room.

Lily'

I'm not offended that my room was messy and she didn't like it. The thing that bothered me was that she left a note because she didn't want to take the time out to say it to my face.

Liz's room was constantly in a state of disarray. Liz was 'perfect' for them though. I'm held to impossibly high standards by these people. I try to please them. I try to play pretend. It'll never work. I'll never even be acceptable to these terrible people.

I want to go home...but I know that things are just as bad there. I know I couldn't face even my best friends. They have each other. I'm the third wheel lost in translation.

I HATE YOU!

Annie Jones on: Something....

I was walking down the street today when I saw the street called Esperanza. Esperanza means 'hope' in spanish, but it's also the name of a city up north. I had a friend who was in the city of Esperanza and she was anorexic. She got sent home. But I was thinking how perfect it really was. An anorexic girl being sent to the city called hope.

Robert is coming tomorrow and I soooo can't wait! I'm a bit aprehensive (if that's how you spell it) about it all, because...well whatever. We'll blow the city apart.

I want school to start again. I'm going back to Monjas. YAY!

Annie Jones on: 60 things about myself

1. I'm scared shitless about the future.
2. I would change so much about my past.
3. Scrabble confuses me.
4. I was made out with against my will.
5. I hate liars.
6. I think I miss my family a little.
7. Argentine rock, though I wouldn't admit it, it's okay....
8. ...better than okay.
9. Disco rocks.
10. Making out? I dig it.
11. I lied about my weight for the longest time....
12. ...and to achieve that weight, I was bulimic for a while.
13. I'm fluent in spanish, though I feel like I know nothing.
14. I am truely in love at this current moment.
15. I eat lots of meat.
16. I have limited feeling in my inner arms.
17. I'm pro-rights.
18. I'm pro-gay marrage too.
19. I am capable of being so mean and nasty.
20. I constantly plan a perfect murder.
21. I have an infatuation with shaving my legs.
22. I have cheated on, been cheated with, and been cheated on.
23. I forget everything.
24. The first time I got drunk I was drinking with my 22 year old host brother in a disco.
25. I've never seen porn.
26. Number 25 is embarassing.
27. I wish I weighed 60 kilos or less.
28.The french language makes me sick.
29. I've made out with4 different nationalities....
30. ...the American was the best.
31. I'm partially deaf in one ear.
32. I'm bi-curious.
33. I hold grudges....
34. ...including those against myself.
35. I think I'd be a good Mom.
36. I throw around the word love too much.
37. I've lied to make other people happy.
38. I'd sacrifice my happiness to make others happy.
39. I miss school.
40. I started swearing when I was 6.
41. I have smoked more than 5 packs in Argentina.
42. I lied about smoking 5 packs in Argentina to my host mother.
43. I'd make out with Nicole.
44. I think blue M&M's taste different.
45. I have gone a week straight without talking (Not including infancy).
46. I am willing to stop eating if it means losing weight.
47. I pretended to like a show because someone else liked it, but now I'm addicted and they hate the show.
48. I won't even ask if I think I might be rejected.
49. My biggest dream is to get married and have a family.
50. Back stabbing, have done it, am doing it, will do it again.
51. I still think I won't get caught when I cut.
52. Clingy friends are baaaad.
53. I like reading people's conversations in the cyber.
54. The spanish swear words I learned from my host family.
55. I play hard to get....
56. ...and play stupid a lot.
57. When I have to, I am an absolute fantasic liar.
58. I saw Ocean's 12 without seeing Ocean's 11.
59. The guy who is sitting next to me in the cyber is looking at porn.
60. I realize that probably all of you haven't even read all of this.

Ta da.

When the day is long and the night,
the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life,
well hang onDon't let yourself go,
'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.

I knoooooow!

I'm dying of bi-curiousity... ^_^* Heheeeee.....

I'm still extremely upset with people and how they act. Names will be removed to protect the innocent. Put on a mask, it's all the rage! Why not be who you want to be instead of who your parents, friends, boyfriend want you to be. Es una mierda totalmente.

I think the reason why guys like me as a friend or like me even more than such, it because I tell it like it is. Honestly, would you rather be lied to and have the scar on your heart when you knew, or would you rather have it straightforeward.

So here's how it is. You piss me off. Ha!

Listen, I'm in the country-side. I'm not able to be contacted.

You may be stressed, but I am too.

When I come back, you'll have me to compete with, and I'll show no mercy. I'm a new person.

Do not mess with me.

People have their own lives. You live yours, they live theirs. Easy enough?

Go consider your options.

Annie Jones on: I hate it....

This new host family situation isn't cool.

So two nights ago, I was in the house and my 'family' had guests over. Lily was drunk and she said 'Go upstairs and get your flute. You got to play.'

I said I wasn't comfortable with doing it, that I really didn't want to play in front of a bunch of people. She said she didn't care and she forced me upstairs, got my flute and basically shoved me down the stairs. She made me play in front of everyone, and then she totally ignored me afterwards. Like she left when I started playing. I basically said fuck her and went upstairs.

Yesterday however, she really got to me. I was swimming in the pool and she came out and swam with me. She started questioning me all about my past nd then she said "Why did you try suicide?"

I said I didn't like to talk about that part of my life; that it was 'over' (even though we all know that's bullshit). She kept asking though. "That's stupid, Annie. Anyone who tries suicide is stupid. Life is worth more than that. What made you to be such an idiot to try to commit suicide?"

"I don't remember anything from that time. I forgot it all." I said.

"You're lying!" She said. "I'm a doctor! I know!"

'You're a gynocologist! You're not a fucking shrink!' I thought.

I hate it there. So much. I honestly feel like shit....

Annie Jones on: Changing

I changed families today. I'm not sure I've ever had such a terrible emotion wash over me.... Joli started crying, Mom started crying, I started sobbing like an idiot. It sucked.

This family is very different. One, I'll be the only child again in 10 days. Two, I can do what I want, when I want. Three, I have a father. There's so much that's different.

Not only changing families, but everything around me seems to be changing. I feel so very 'the same' and it's wierd. It's supposed to be the biggest changing experience in your entire life, and I'm so...not changed. I can't explain it.

Of course, things have changed like my apperance, my homesickness.... But I still get that feeling all the time like "Just hand me a razor and I'll give it back to you in five minutes". It's not 'normal' (or so say most people I know). Today I was so close to cutting but I knew I had to hold myself back. I don't want to be sent home because I bled a little, then everyone would accuse me of being sick, and I'm not.

I can't imagine staying here for long. It all seems like a vacation (Without the bathing suit of course), like I'll go back to Barrio Jardín any day now...but it's not and it kinda sucks.

Tomorrow I plan on exploring this Barrio a bit. I have no idea what the hell is around here in reality. Like, a kiosco two blocks from here, and a BUS STOP!! Woot... ^_^*

Should sleep. Don't know if I can....

I wish February would hurry up and get here. I miss Robert and I want to see him now!