Women. Women are strange, beautiful creatures that fascinate both men and their own fellow members of sex. One minute a woman can be loving, caring, compassionate; the next she could start wars, ruin families, and be malicious. This boggles my mind.
It could be speculated that women have a better grasp on their own gender's inner workings, but this woman is just as confused as all the men.
I am talking about all age groups, regardless of race or social standing. They're all confusing, bar none. Adolescent females in particular though are especially interesting. To a girl's face, Heather (for the sake of pinning a name to an imaginary situation) can be so kind and caring. She will listen to the girl's secrets and says she will keep them. In all reality, all she wants to do is get away so she can tear this girl down when talking to others. Is it so she looks cool? Does everyone really love a gossip? It's true that a gossip always has a new and interesting story to tell, but we all hate a gossip.
And when it comes to gossips, we say we hate them and could never be one, when the truth is that we want to be just as interesting and 'in the loop' as they are. So what the hell gives?
Now let's say Heather is having a problem with her boyfriend. Instead of trying to work it out, she runs. Literally, she runs away from her boyfriend when he wants to talk this out. She would rather fuck up the great relationship that she has than admit her mistakes. I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure almost every female out there would want a boyfriend who would actually TALK every once in a while instead of feeling things out. Again, literal.
I've always considered teenage years to be a time of temporary insanity. Maybe this would contribute? No ideas yet. I'm still pondering.
To even explain myself would be a task. I am a pretty happy go lucky girl and my last will would be to hurt someone, yet I do this willingly? How is this even feasible?
Unbeknownst to Sarah, I have hurt her terribly. I have taken the one thing she feels is solid in her life and shaken it up. As previously stated, she doesn't know this.
AUGH. Women. I will never understand the inner workings of the female mind. I've plainly given up, but if anyone can offer me insight, I would love to hear it.
12.23.2007
12.02.2007
10.17.2007
Current Moon:
Waxing Crescent
34% of Full
Wed 17 Oct, 2007
Me: Rather suicidal. Happy, but feeling like I want to hurt myself. Strange.
Nick: Sad. Been having a crappy week. Last happy time: Sunday Night. (10/14)
Colt: Feeling optomistic, rather clueless. Feeling this way since Sunday 11 pm. (10/14)
Hilary: Hyper. Today only. Since 9 am. Woke up in pain.
What the Moon is doing THIS month:
Full Moon 10/7
Last Quarter 10/14
New Moon 10/22
First Quarter 10/29
Correlations between things thus far:
My feelings and behaviors correlate with the national average stats for depression, anxiety, and suicide. A significant correlation between suicide attempts and the new moon is noted. Only noted in WOMEN.
Things to continue searching:
Depression and lunar cycles
Bi-polar disorder and lunar cycles
Aggression and lunar cycles
Animal attacks and lunar cycles
Suicide and lunar cycles
Behavior and lunar cycles
Women and lunar cycles
To refine later.
In the meantime, I'm clearly a little bit depressed. I just kind of wish I could erase my memories and feelings so it wouldn't be so challenging to live.
Waxing Crescent
34% of Full
Wed 17 Oct, 2007
Me: Rather suicidal. Happy, but feeling like I want to hurt myself. Strange.
Nick: Sad. Been having a crappy week. Last happy time: Sunday Night. (10/14)
Colt: Feeling optomistic, rather clueless. Feeling this way since Sunday 11 pm. (10/14)
Hilary: Hyper. Today only. Since 9 am. Woke up in pain.
What the Moon is doing THIS month:
Full Moon 10/7
Last Quarter 10/14
New Moon 10/22
First Quarter 10/29
Correlations between things thus far:
My feelings and behaviors correlate with the national average stats for depression, anxiety, and suicide. A significant correlation between suicide attempts and the new moon is noted. Only noted in WOMEN.
Things to continue searching:
Depression and lunar cycles
Bi-polar disorder and lunar cycles
Aggression and lunar cycles
Animal attacks and lunar cycles
Suicide and lunar cycles
Behavior and lunar cycles
Women and lunar cycles
To refine later.
In the meantime, I'm clearly a little bit depressed. I just kind of wish I could erase my memories and feelings so it wouldn't be so challenging to live.
10.08.2007
Many women are faced with a decision of what they should do when it comes to their relationship during time of hardship. They have the person they are in a relationship with, and they have another person who says the right thing and does the right thing at the right time, which makes the grass seem greener on the other side--but is it?
When a woman is in the middle of a bad relationship, married or not, there is often times someone in the wings who is saying what she needs to hear and is willing to do whatever needs to be done in order to make her feel better. Sometimes, it causes her to go astray and explore the grass on the other side. At this point, the grass seems beautiful and this guy appears fairytale perfect. He can do no wrong and is someone who she has been waiting for. He’s caring, compassionate, sensitive, a great lover, and is a good listener. He’s all that she wanted and more. In some cases, she now, is in love with two people.
The woman is now in a complicated situation and is faced with a life altering decision. Does she leave her current relationship and be with her dream man, or does she stay in her current relationship and try to work through the problems?
This leaves you with two different types of women: women who have crossed the fence and women who are thinking about crossing the fence.
Many of the women who have crossed realized that the grass is not always greener on the other side. In many cases, the woman comes up empty on that end as well and realizes that grass was just as dead as the grass that she was already on.
As for the women who are thinking about crossing, there are many reasons why you should not cross. For starters, the other man is no different than the current man you have. Evaluate the situation for a minute. Did the man who you are in a relationship change? If so, ask yourself how. Most men are like that. They will do whatever it takes to get a woman, but not do what it takes to keep a woman.
Furthermore, the outside man controls the table; he has all the cards. Whatever he say to you in this situation, it will sound good to you because you’re not hearing it at home. He’s not saying anything differently than what your current man used to say. The difference is that he is saying it now. And since he does have all the cards, on occasion, he may play the marriage card. To him, it’s safe to play it because he knows that you are already committed to someone else, and the odd chance of you breaking that commitment within a reasonable amount of time and start focusing on him is not likely, especially when there are kids involved. Plus, he knows when to push and how much pressure to apply and he knows when to lay-off and let you gather your thoughts and come back to reality.
By this point, he already knows if you are a keeper or not, so in his mind, you may be expendable and he will say whatever he can to get whatever he wants for as long as he wants. This could last months or even years. Yes, I know a lot of it sounds very convincing and on the rare occasion, it may be true, but for the most part, it isn’t. He may even seem like the one, but at one time, so did the current man in your life. The man on the other side is no different.
And with all of this, it may even appear that he’s waiting on you. He’s living his life, doing what he wants to do and yet, at times, can even make you feel guilty because you think he’s waiting, when he’s not.
It is very easy for his grass to look greener when you are not on it regularly. The more you walk on it, the more brown spots you see. In other words, the grass is greener in the shade, but once the sunlight hits it, it’s just as brown as any other grass.
No matter how convincing it may be, most of the time, it’s not reality. In this situation, the man has the upper hand; he can play whatever card he wants when he wants, and make it look how he wants it to look, especially when he knows that you are only temporary. Before you decide which side of the grass you want to be on, if either, just remember, it’s not always greener on the other side.
When a woman is in the middle of a bad relationship, married or not, there is often times someone in the wings who is saying what she needs to hear and is willing to do whatever needs to be done in order to make her feel better. Sometimes, it causes her to go astray and explore the grass on the other side. At this point, the grass seems beautiful and this guy appears fairytale perfect. He can do no wrong and is someone who she has been waiting for. He’s caring, compassionate, sensitive, a great lover, and is a good listener. He’s all that she wanted and more. In some cases, she now, is in love with two people.
The woman is now in a complicated situation and is faced with a life altering decision. Does she leave her current relationship and be with her dream man, or does she stay in her current relationship and try to work through the problems?
This leaves you with two different types of women: women who have crossed the fence and women who are thinking about crossing the fence.
Many of the women who have crossed realized that the grass is not always greener on the other side. In many cases, the woman comes up empty on that end as well and realizes that grass was just as dead as the grass that she was already on.
As for the women who are thinking about crossing, there are many reasons why you should not cross. For starters, the other man is no different than the current man you have. Evaluate the situation for a minute. Did the man who you are in a relationship change? If so, ask yourself how. Most men are like that. They will do whatever it takes to get a woman, but not do what it takes to keep a woman.
Furthermore, the outside man controls the table; he has all the cards. Whatever he say to you in this situation, it will sound good to you because you’re not hearing it at home. He’s not saying anything differently than what your current man used to say. The difference is that he is saying it now. And since he does have all the cards, on occasion, he may play the marriage card. To him, it’s safe to play it because he knows that you are already committed to someone else, and the odd chance of you breaking that commitment within a reasonable amount of time and start focusing on him is not likely, especially when there are kids involved. Plus, he knows when to push and how much pressure to apply and he knows when to lay-off and let you gather your thoughts and come back to reality.
By this point, he already knows if you are a keeper or not, so in his mind, you may be expendable and he will say whatever he can to get whatever he wants for as long as he wants. This could last months or even years. Yes, I know a lot of it sounds very convincing and on the rare occasion, it may be true, but for the most part, it isn’t. He may even seem like the one, but at one time, so did the current man in your life. The man on the other side is no different.
And with all of this, it may even appear that he’s waiting on you. He’s living his life, doing what he wants to do and yet, at times, can even make you feel guilty because you think he’s waiting, when he’s not.
It is very easy for his grass to look greener when you are not on it regularly. The more you walk on it, the more brown spots you see. In other words, the grass is greener in the shade, but once the sunlight hits it, it’s just as brown as any other grass.
No matter how convincing it may be, most of the time, it’s not reality. In this situation, the man has the upper hand; he can play whatever card he wants when he wants, and make it look how he wants it to look, especially when he knows that you are only temporary. Before you decide which side of the grass you want to be on, if either, just remember, it’s not always greener on the other side.
9.27.2007
Time to release..... THE MUSE!
Disclaimer: As most of my writings, this is not a true life story. Just a random collaboration of ideas inspired by people watching.
I stood outside, smoking as I typically did before I would go into class to endure another two hour lecture. Maybe I could catch some shut eye if I sat far enough back? I shook the thought immediately out of my head. How could I be so irresponsible? Not to mention Hilary and Nick would never let something like that happen. They talk too much. The kind of people who like to babble whenever there is a break in speech.
I dropped my finished cigarette to the ground and snuffed it out with the sole of my grimy tennis shoe. Le sigh, yet another day. Optimists would say it was one less day of studying or college. I say it's one more day to get through. I took my normal seat in class. Hilary and I kissed in our usual Hollywood like way. Nick waved.
Behind me sat... that guy. What was his name again? Darwin something... oh whatever. There wasn't anything special about him, really. He was a twenty something college drop-out looking for a second chance. Average looks, average wardrobe, average everything. Well, not everything. Darwin was smart. A far cry from all of my classmates. I would even dare to say he was on par with me, and that was threatening. I've never allowed anyone to be better than me at anything academically. He and I had been constantly vying for our professor's approval and secret label of "Teacher's Pet" since the first day of class. I was determined to win, but then again so was he.
'He's not anything like Andrew,' I thought to myself as I pulled out my Five Star notebook and purple pencil. I flipped open the front cover and gazed at the picture my boyfriend and I sitting on the beach, laughing. 'Andrew is perfect. He gives me whatever I want. He's handsome, well off in life, and intelligent. He's perfect, damn it.' I slammed the notebook shut. Poor Hilary must have jumped three feet into the air.
"Bad day?" I heard him say.
I turned around, being sure to flip my hair to make as flashy of an entrance as possible without seeming desperate. "No, I'm perfectly fine. How was your weekend?"
He stretched and looked at me non-chalantly as if to retaliate to my hair flipping. "Worked. Had a couple of beers with my co-workers. Read. You?"
By read, he meant finished the book we had been assigned just last class period. I felt a surge of jealousy.
"I read too." I said knowingly, adjusting my glasses and nodding my head. "I got some knitting done and I made a pie for Andrew."
"For a feminist, you sure sound like the perfect housewife." He said while he winked.
The beast inside me roared again like it did everytime I saw this chump. My eyes narrowed and I opened my mouth to protest. I was interrupted by Dr. Roberts' entrance to the classroom. Being a contender for teacher's pet meant keeping your eyes on the prize at all times. No more time for idle chat with Man of the Year.
"Can you believe that prick?" I exclaimed when Hilary and I were outside. I continued to talk while holding my cigarette in between my lips, which made it increasingly difficult to light. "I mean, come on! He's just trying to press my buttons. What a jerk! I just.... AUGH!"
The cigarette tumbled from my lips. Luckily I caught it.
Hilary smiled and lit up her own. "You two are so funny to watch. There is so much tension between the two of you. You're always trying to make each other jealous."
"Jealous? Ha! I am not jealous of Darwin. He's an idiot." The tip of my cigarette caught fire and I inhaled.
"Like hell." She said when we began to walk away from the Library. "The look on your face when he spoke was priceless. Oh, and bringing up Andrew? Good way to make him jealous too. Way to rub it in his face." She was smiling, which was a relief. At least she wasn't angry about Darwin and my ongoing feud. I wasn't about to lose a friend over this moron.
"Andrew doesn't make him jealous."
"We're not playing a game, babe. You know he likes you. Maybe you don't want to admit it, but deep down you know." She waved to a passer-by. "Hey, what's up?"
"Ick."
"And you like him too."
I choked on my cigarette and coughed up clouds of smoke like a novice. "I am engaged to one of the top law students at this university. I am not looking at other men. Andrew is perfect. Darwin is not. He's a wash-up and a complete jerk." I wheezed.
"Uh-huh." She said as if she didn't believe me. Oh, the cajones on that girl. I'd start a cat fight with her right now if she weren't so important to me.
We walked in silence for a little bit. The air was cold and bitter that day. We walked up to the building where I had my next class. I rubbed out my cigarette on the brick wall. Hilary and I said our goodbyes and just as I opened up the glass doors, I heard a familiar voice.
"Nothing else to say about me then?"
When I turned around, I obviously saw Darwin about 10 feet from me.
"How long had you been listening?" I said, failing to disguse my panic.
"Since we passed the library."
So... basically the whole time.
"You know, some of the things you said weren't very nice," He said, a smile playing on his lips. "Maybe you should make it up to me."
I let go of the door handle and crossed my arms. "Really now?"
He nodded, and grinned boyishly again. "Yeah. You should let me take you out for dinner."
I held up my left finger to show off the one carat stone on my ring finger. My hand then morphed into an obscene gesture as I turned back around.
"Fine. Then I'll settle for a cigarette." He said. I stopped. He approached me, so I fumbled through my coat pockets for my lighter and a Camel Light. He lit it and winked again as he began to walk away. "Thanks, beautiful. See ya later."
I was grumpy for the next four hours, and all I really wanted to do was go back home and sleep for the rest of the day, but I stayed. After all, my other two teachers for the day I had already marked as 'mine'.
I walked out of my final class at about 5:45 pm. My head was screaming from regurgitating too much information. NO MORE. It was already pretty dark when I exited the building. Take a guess who was waiting for me out front by the statue.
Yeah. Him.
I walked past him in a huff, spitting anger at him on occasion. "You know, some would call this stalking!"
"I'm not stalking, I'm curious!" He said, almost running to catch up.
I got to my car very quickly. I stopped walking, did a 180, and stared at him maliciously. "What do you want?" The grip around my bag tightened. Then I realized how alone we were in this parking lot.
His boyish grin faltered, and he looked at me with pitiful eyes. "Why do you hate me so much? Because I'm not perfect?"
My heart shattered. The grip around my bag's handle slackened and it fell to the cement. An undescribably strong force came over me and I staggered over to him. I stood toe to toe with him, and I reached my hand out to touch the side of his face...
...and I pressed my lips to his.
Disclaimer: As most of my writings, this is not a true life story. Just a random collaboration of ideas inspired by people watching.
I stood outside, smoking as I typically did before I would go into class to endure another two hour lecture. Maybe I could catch some shut eye if I sat far enough back? I shook the thought immediately out of my head. How could I be so irresponsible? Not to mention Hilary and Nick would never let something like that happen. They talk too much. The kind of people who like to babble whenever there is a break in speech.
I dropped my finished cigarette to the ground and snuffed it out with the sole of my grimy tennis shoe. Le sigh, yet another day. Optimists would say it was one less day of studying or college. I say it's one more day to get through. I took my normal seat in class. Hilary and I kissed in our usual Hollywood like way. Nick waved.
Behind me sat... that guy. What was his name again? Darwin something... oh whatever. There wasn't anything special about him, really. He was a twenty something college drop-out looking for a second chance. Average looks, average wardrobe, average everything. Well, not everything. Darwin was smart. A far cry from all of my classmates. I would even dare to say he was on par with me, and that was threatening. I've never allowed anyone to be better than me at anything academically. He and I had been constantly vying for our professor's approval and secret label of "Teacher's Pet" since the first day of class. I was determined to win, but then again so was he.
'He's not anything like Andrew,' I thought to myself as I pulled out my Five Star notebook and purple pencil. I flipped open the front cover and gazed at the picture my boyfriend and I sitting on the beach, laughing. 'Andrew is perfect. He gives me whatever I want. He's handsome, well off in life, and intelligent. He's perfect, damn it.' I slammed the notebook shut. Poor Hilary must have jumped three feet into the air.
"Bad day?" I heard him say.
I turned around, being sure to flip my hair to make as flashy of an entrance as possible without seeming desperate. "No, I'm perfectly fine. How was your weekend?"
He stretched and looked at me non-chalantly as if to retaliate to my hair flipping. "Worked. Had a couple of beers with my co-workers. Read. You?"
By read, he meant finished the book we had been assigned just last class period. I felt a surge of jealousy.
"I read too." I said knowingly, adjusting my glasses and nodding my head. "I got some knitting done and I made a pie for Andrew."
"For a feminist, you sure sound like the perfect housewife." He said while he winked.
The beast inside me roared again like it did everytime I saw this chump. My eyes narrowed and I opened my mouth to protest. I was interrupted by Dr. Roberts' entrance to the classroom. Being a contender for teacher's pet meant keeping your eyes on the prize at all times. No more time for idle chat with Man of the Year.
"Can you believe that prick?" I exclaimed when Hilary and I were outside. I continued to talk while holding my cigarette in between my lips, which made it increasingly difficult to light. "I mean, come on! He's just trying to press my buttons. What a jerk! I just.... AUGH!"
The cigarette tumbled from my lips. Luckily I caught it.
Hilary smiled and lit up her own. "You two are so funny to watch. There is so much tension between the two of you. You're always trying to make each other jealous."
"Jealous? Ha! I am not jealous of Darwin. He's an idiot." The tip of my cigarette caught fire and I inhaled.
"Like hell." She said when we began to walk away from the Library. "The look on your face when he spoke was priceless. Oh, and bringing up Andrew? Good way to make him jealous too. Way to rub it in his face." She was smiling, which was a relief. At least she wasn't angry about Darwin and my ongoing feud. I wasn't about to lose a friend over this moron.
"Andrew doesn't make him jealous."
"We're not playing a game, babe. You know he likes you. Maybe you don't want to admit it, but deep down you know." She waved to a passer-by. "Hey, what's up?"
"Ick."
"And you like him too."
I choked on my cigarette and coughed up clouds of smoke like a novice. "I am engaged to one of the top law students at this university. I am not looking at other men. Andrew is perfect. Darwin is not. He's a wash-up and a complete jerk." I wheezed.
"Uh-huh." She said as if she didn't believe me. Oh, the cajones on that girl. I'd start a cat fight with her right now if she weren't so important to me.
We walked in silence for a little bit. The air was cold and bitter that day. We walked up to the building where I had my next class. I rubbed out my cigarette on the brick wall. Hilary and I said our goodbyes and just as I opened up the glass doors, I heard a familiar voice.
"Nothing else to say about me then?"
When I turned around, I obviously saw Darwin about 10 feet from me.
"How long had you been listening?" I said, failing to disguse my panic.
"Since we passed the library."
So... basically the whole time.
"You know, some of the things you said weren't very nice," He said, a smile playing on his lips. "Maybe you should make it up to me."
I let go of the door handle and crossed my arms. "Really now?"
He nodded, and grinned boyishly again. "Yeah. You should let me take you out for dinner."
I held up my left finger to show off the one carat stone on my ring finger. My hand then morphed into an obscene gesture as I turned back around.
"Fine. Then I'll settle for a cigarette." He said. I stopped. He approached me, so I fumbled through my coat pockets for my lighter and a Camel Light. He lit it and winked again as he began to walk away. "Thanks, beautiful. See ya later."
I was grumpy for the next four hours, and all I really wanted to do was go back home and sleep for the rest of the day, but I stayed. After all, my other two teachers for the day I had already marked as 'mine'.
I walked out of my final class at about 5:45 pm. My head was screaming from regurgitating too much information. NO MORE. It was already pretty dark when I exited the building. Take a guess who was waiting for me out front by the statue.
Yeah. Him.
I walked past him in a huff, spitting anger at him on occasion. "You know, some would call this stalking!"
"I'm not stalking, I'm curious!" He said, almost running to catch up.
I got to my car very quickly. I stopped walking, did a 180, and stared at him maliciously. "What do you want?" The grip around my bag tightened. Then I realized how alone we were in this parking lot.
His boyish grin faltered, and he looked at me with pitiful eyes. "Why do you hate me so much? Because I'm not perfect?"
My heart shattered. The grip around my bag's handle slackened and it fell to the cement. An undescribably strong force came over me and I staggered over to him. I stood toe to toe with him, and I reached my hand out to touch the side of his face...
...and I pressed my lips to his.
***
Lamest. Ending. Ever.
9.18.2007
Life has changed. After reading just the first page of these blogs, only then did I realize how much.
Ben and I are staring 6 months in the face, and telling him I didn't love him seems a lifetime ago. I remember that so well now. I lit candles when I told him, and the following Sunday, he gave me a Yankee Candle. I guess he saw how much I liked them.
Now I can't imagine loving anyone more.
6.09.2007
Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my boyfriend's life. It is the day he has been waiting for for several years. I'm very proud of him, and at 3:oo pm tomorrow afternoon, I will be sitting in an overcrowded auditorium watching him recieve his diploma. How neat.
I'm trying to find the most graceful way to avoid his mother at all costs. His mother is a firm believer that good things cannot come in colorful packages, so that makes me no higher than the dirt she sweeps off her spotless kitchen floor. I guess I see Ben for what he is. He's not a young child anymore. To me he has responsibilities as well as liberties, and if he ends up shorting on one, the other will be cut too. We're not talking about Ben staying out until 5 in the morning, or even 1 am for that matter, but the thought that this responsible adult is never allowed to stay out past 11 pm (regardless of school being in session) or even stay in his room with the door shut is absolutely ridiculous.
So that is why I won't be having dinner with his family tomorrow night at their house. I expressed my concerns with Ben, and he told me we could have our own time (and dinner) together. That sounded much better. I'm not keen on crying in front of this woman after she asks me if I'm happy with her son (This happened the other night. I was able to keep my cool until I excused myself to go to the bathroom. I went upstairs instead to crash onto Ben's bed and sob into is pillow.).
So I went grocery shopping at midnight or so to pick up some ingredients for his favorite meal. My only concern is the surprise element of the evening; a homemade apple pie that I am making from scratch. Baking is a labor of love, born from one's desire to communicate feelings to another that cannot be described with words. Apple pie is Ben's favorite food, and I don't want to mess it up. This damn pie is going to drive me insane. It's a fucking pie.
I guess I'm afraid of him taking a single bite and having it taste like something Jill made. Oh the humiliation.
It is time for a bit of shut eye as I feel tomorrow night will not be an early one. I hate this pie. Damn it.
CURSE YOU, APPLE PIE!
I'm trying to find the most graceful way to avoid his mother at all costs. His mother is a firm believer that good things cannot come in colorful packages, so that makes me no higher than the dirt she sweeps off her spotless kitchen floor. I guess I see Ben for what he is. He's not a young child anymore. To me he has responsibilities as well as liberties, and if he ends up shorting on one, the other will be cut too. We're not talking about Ben staying out until 5 in the morning, or even 1 am for that matter, but the thought that this responsible adult is never allowed to stay out past 11 pm (regardless of school being in session) or even stay in his room with the door shut is absolutely ridiculous.
So that is why I won't be having dinner with his family tomorrow night at their house. I expressed my concerns with Ben, and he told me we could have our own time (and dinner) together. That sounded much better. I'm not keen on crying in front of this woman after she asks me if I'm happy with her son (This happened the other night. I was able to keep my cool until I excused myself to go to the bathroom. I went upstairs instead to crash onto Ben's bed and sob into is pillow.).
So I went grocery shopping at midnight or so to pick up some ingredients for his favorite meal. My only concern is the surprise element of the evening; a homemade apple pie that I am making from scratch. Baking is a labor of love, born from one's desire to communicate feelings to another that cannot be described with words. Apple pie is Ben's favorite food, and I don't want to mess it up. This damn pie is going to drive me insane. It's a fucking pie.
I guess I'm afraid of him taking a single bite and having it taste like something Jill made. Oh the humiliation.
It is time for a bit of shut eye as I feel tomorrow night will not be an early one. I hate this pie. Damn it.
CURSE YOU, APPLE PIE!
5.19.2007
Disclaimer: LONG POST
Work was good. Very good actually. The kind of good that makes you dance with Aaron and Scott in the back room. Well, okay. It was good up until a point. Way to make the last 15 minutes count though. That's when shit went wrong. Ladedadeda, cleaning the counters and whatnot when we get a slight rush. It's nothing big or anything. Definitely nothing that two people couldn't handle. At the end of the line was Mike. Ahh Mike. A nice boy, without a doubt but one that I've been let down by before. Seeing him made my stomach churn, especially because Andrew was with him. That meant that you know who wasn't far away.
Minding my silly little business, I just continue to clean. A loud noise coming from somewhere by the carousel made me turn my head and I saw a group. A group that consisted of a bunch of his friends. And there was Lisa absolutely glowing. Gorgeous. Way more beautiful than I could ever hope to be. The luckiest girl in the world. This flashed me back.
"That was sweet how he looked at you when you walked into the room. It was like he forgot what he was doing." Lauren sighed as we sat in the food court. "Why can't Matt do that with me?"
I smiled and shrugged modestly. 'Because. There's only one girl in this world that can be the luckiest.' I thought.
The luckiest girl in the world.
Tears quickly flooded my eyes. They rolled down my cheeks. My face turned bright red. "You okay, Steph?" I heard. Aaron.
When I spotted him three shops down, I ducked my head in shame. I was going to have to walk right by him. No no no no noooo, please dear Lord no. I walked quickly and efficiently by him, hoping he wouldn't spot me and see the tears that had already stained my face black with eye make-up. As soon as I got into the corridor, I bolted. I ran as fast as I could into Steakout. Slammed the door. Ran into the office, grabbed my pigtails and nearly collapsed. I wanted to die. I felt so alone and so scared. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to be anywhere. Why me God, why me?
My luck had run out. In the simplest of terms. Maybe God wanted it to go to someone else.
Scott said I could go... so I called my pacifier. Ben was there within twenty minutes.
I got threw up violently when we got to his house. I worried that his family would think poorly of me since the first thing I did was run into the bathroom. Then I realized that it's just what happens. People puke. What the hell ever.
Ben and I had a discussion the other night about the relationship. I came clean. I told him that there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. He asked me what I meant. 'Aw fuck, here it goes.'
"I am not in love with you."
He took it well.
The only thing he seemed the genuinely have a problem with was who I am in love with. "How can you love someone like that? I've seen you cry so many tears for this guy, and I know you cry more when I'm not around. How can you love someone who hurts you so much?"
I couldn't answer. I didn't know. Why did I? How could I?
I thought about my selfish ways with Ben. It's definitely a giving relationship on both halves. We try to give each other everything. That's not a problem at all. But what I then realized was that I was giving even more than I had even thought. I was giving him grief. He saw my ring everyday. He'd feel in between his fingers when we held hands. He'd catch me looking at it with a trace of a smile on my face. Unintentional of course. I never meant to hurt him. I would never want to do that. Ben is an amazing man. He's one hell of a boyfriend.
"My sister asked me if I loved you the other day." He stopped and stared at the candle burning in front of us. "I said yes, and I mean it."
Silence for a good five minutes.
"Then she asked me if I would marry you." He said.
I sat in silent shock and stared at the candle. "And?" I choked out.
"In a heartbeat."
FUCK. I am an asshole.
That was over a week and a half ago.
Today I was taking a long time getting a cloth while at work. Ed was hassling me per usual and he pulled out the ever-so-witty 'and ten years later....' remark. That got me thinking. Where will I be in ten years? I'd be 29, going on 30. That means I would be Ed's age. Would I be married?
I decided no. I have lost all will to find my soulmate. I will be the nice neighbor lady who makes cookies and brings them over to the neighbor kids. I will always have stickers to give out, and I will volunteer at schools, but I will not marry. I will have many cats. They will be my children. Augh, how creepy.
I leave you with some lyrics, but soon I will be posting a snipet story that I drew up today. Thank the boy for that inspiration. Good night.
Isn't it hard. Standing in the rain.
You're on the verge of going crazy and your heart's in pain
No one can hear though you're screaming so loud
You feel all alone in a faceless crowd
Isn't it strange how we all get a little bit weird sometimes.
Sitting on the side waiting for a sign, hoping that my luck will change.
Reaching for a hand that can understand, someone who feels the same....
Work was good. Very good actually. The kind of good that makes you dance with Aaron and Scott in the back room. Well, okay. It was good up until a point. Way to make the last 15 minutes count though. That's when shit went wrong. Ladedadeda, cleaning the counters and whatnot when we get a slight rush. It's nothing big or anything. Definitely nothing that two people couldn't handle. At the end of the line was Mike. Ahh Mike. A nice boy, without a doubt but one that I've been let down by before. Seeing him made my stomach churn, especially because Andrew was with him. That meant that you know who wasn't far away.
Minding my silly little business, I just continue to clean. A loud noise coming from somewhere by the carousel made me turn my head and I saw a group. A group that consisted of a bunch of his friends. And there was Lisa absolutely glowing. Gorgeous. Way more beautiful than I could ever hope to be. The luckiest girl in the world. This flashed me back.
"That was sweet how he looked at you when you walked into the room. It was like he forgot what he was doing." Lauren sighed as we sat in the food court. "Why can't Matt do that with me?"
I smiled and shrugged modestly. 'Because. There's only one girl in this world that can be the luckiest.' I thought.
The luckiest girl in the world.
Tears quickly flooded my eyes. They rolled down my cheeks. My face turned bright red. "You okay, Steph?" I heard. Aaron.
When I spotted him three shops down, I ducked my head in shame. I was going to have to walk right by him. No no no no noooo, please dear Lord no. I walked quickly and efficiently by him, hoping he wouldn't spot me and see the tears that had already stained my face black with eye make-up. As soon as I got into the corridor, I bolted. I ran as fast as I could into Steakout. Slammed the door. Ran into the office, grabbed my pigtails and nearly collapsed. I wanted to die. I felt so alone and so scared. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to be anywhere. Why me God, why me?
My luck had run out. In the simplest of terms. Maybe God wanted it to go to someone else.
Scott said I could go... so I called my pacifier. Ben was there within twenty minutes.
I got threw up violently when we got to his house. I worried that his family would think poorly of me since the first thing I did was run into the bathroom. Then I realized that it's just what happens. People puke. What the hell ever.
Ben and I had a discussion the other night about the relationship. I came clean. I told him that there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. He asked me what I meant. 'Aw fuck, here it goes.'
"I am not in love with you."
He took it well.
The only thing he seemed the genuinely have a problem with was who I am in love with. "How can you love someone like that? I've seen you cry so many tears for this guy, and I know you cry more when I'm not around. How can you love someone who hurts you so much?"
I couldn't answer. I didn't know. Why did I? How could I?
I thought about my selfish ways with Ben. It's definitely a giving relationship on both halves. We try to give each other everything. That's not a problem at all. But what I then realized was that I was giving even more than I had even thought. I was giving him grief. He saw my ring everyday. He'd feel in between his fingers when we held hands. He'd catch me looking at it with a trace of a smile on my face. Unintentional of course. I never meant to hurt him. I would never want to do that. Ben is an amazing man. He's one hell of a boyfriend.
"My sister asked me if I loved you the other day." He stopped and stared at the candle burning in front of us. "I said yes, and I mean it."
Silence for a good five minutes.
"Then she asked me if I would marry you." He said.
I sat in silent shock and stared at the candle. "And?" I choked out.
"In a heartbeat."
FUCK. I am an asshole.
That was over a week and a half ago.
Today I was taking a long time getting a cloth while at work. Ed was hassling me per usual and he pulled out the ever-so-witty 'and ten years later....' remark. That got me thinking. Where will I be in ten years? I'd be 29, going on 30. That means I would be Ed's age. Would I be married?
I decided no. I have lost all will to find my soulmate. I will be the nice neighbor lady who makes cookies and brings them over to the neighbor kids. I will always have stickers to give out, and I will volunteer at schools, but I will not marry. I will have many cats. They will be my children. Augh, how creepy.
I leave you with some lyrics, but soon I will be posting a snipet story that I drew up today. Thank the boy for that inspiration. Good night.
Isn't it hard. Standing in the rain.
You're on the verge of going crazy and your heart's in pain
No one can hear though you're screaming so loud
You feel all alone in a faceless crowd
Isn't it strange how we all get a little bit weird sometimes.
Sitting on the side waiting for a sign, hoping that my luck will change.
Reaching for a hand that can understand, someone who feels the same....
5.10.2007
The past few nights I have driven by the gate of our subdivision and I've seen a young family; a mother fox and her two pups. These two little ones aren't much bigger than my small house cat, and the mother is the size of a small labrador. I go to the gate every night to check and see if they're there and sure enough, there they are!
The two pups have two very different personalities. One is definately more bold, and will get within three feet of you. He will yap at a stationary car and try to get it to play. The other is definately more close with Mom. He will go with his brother to play but only on very rare occasion and he will never get close to you. He's more into sitting on his haunches with Mom and nursing.
I don't know why I felt compelled to write about these guys, but I find that they're on my mind a lot. That's all.
The two pups have two very different personalities. One is definately more bold, and will get within three feet of you. He will yap at a stationary car and try to get it to play. The other is definately more close with Mom. He will go with his brother to play but only on very rare occasion and he will never get close to you. He's more into sitting on his haunches with Mom and nursing.
I don't know why I felt compelled to write about these guys, but I find that they're on my mind a lot. That's all.
5.03.2007
So class is all done and I have successfully survived my freshman year of college. It's a strange feeling. I'm so proud of myself. I'm so happy that I made it and I'm surprised that I'm even still here. I'm a lucky girl. Damn.
I'm also saddened by the fact that it's all done. It's strange to think that I don't have to go to class, take notes, or anything of that sort for a little under five months. That's huge. I won't get to see my Lau-Lau for a long time, and that makes me exceptionally sad. What makes it tougher is that if Lauren isn't around, I doubt Matt will be. I'll miss Dobeck immensely, because of how much he helped me with math. The man is a genius. I'm afraid I won't get to see Hali anymore and Lorraine too. I would die if I lost touch with Andrea. If I could relate this to anything, I would say it's just like graduating from High School. Even though I have another three years ahead of me, who knows if I'll see these people ever again?
Then again, that's how life is. Every time you see someone, it could be your last time with them. But that's a morbid thought.
I was sitting on the counter at Steakout, waiting for somebody (anybody) to wait on when my mind began to wander over to GameStop. I knew he was in there, and I had to use the bathroom anyway. Maybe I'd take a peek, just a quick one. What could that hurt?
I walked out of the corridor and the first thing I saw was his face through the window. My heart twinged in pain, and I turned around to return back to my post. "Ah, so that's what it hurts." I said to myself.
Spiderman 3 is opening tonight! I'll be at the midnight showing with Lauren, Matt, and Dustin. God I feel bad for Dustin. I definately ran over his foot today in my car. I am uber-bitch. ^_^*
Chau chau, amores. Los quiero mucho y los prometo que voy a excribir mas tarde, pero no seria tan amable. Tengo unos 'bones to pick'.
I'm also saddened by the fact that it's all done. It's strange to think that I don't have to go to class, take notes, or anything of that sort for a little under five months. That's huge. I won't get to see my Lau-Lau for a long time, and that makes me exceptionally sad. What makes it tougher is that if Lauren isn't around, I doubt Matt will be. I'll miss Dobeck immensely, because of how much he helped me with math. The man is a genius. I'm afraid I won't get to see Hali anymore and Lorraine too. I would die if I lost touch with Andrea. If I could relate this to anything, I would say it's just like graduating from High School. Even though I have another three years ahead of me, who knows if I'll see these people ever again?
Then again, that's how life is. Every time you see someone, it could be your last time with them. But that's a morbid thought.
I was sitting on the counter at Steakout, waiting for somebody (anybody) to wait on when my mind began to wander over to GameStop. I knew he was in there, and I had to use the bathroom anyway. Maybe I'd take a peek, just a quick one. What could that hurt?
I walked out of the corridor and the first thing I saw was his face through the window. My heart twinged in pain, and I turned around to return back to my post. "Ah, so that's what it hurts." I said to myself.
Spiderman 3 is opening tonight! I'll be at the midnight showing with Lauren, Matt, and Dustin. God I feel bad for Dustin. I definately ran over his foot today in my car. I am uber-bitch. ^_^*
Chau chau, amores. Los quiero mucho y los prometo que voy a excribir mas tarde, pero no seria tan amable. Tengo unos 'bones to pick'.
4.24.2007
A lousy day. I spent my morning eating junk food and playing Diamond, then went to work at five.
I'm not sure what made me explode, but I did. I found myself in the office not fifteen minutes after I arrived disolving in a pool of tears and rocking myself back and forth.
Alanna said she understands. She said "The person you love isn't the person you're in love with." Bingo. I cried harder when I realized that she did actually understand. I never wanted to stop. My hot tears cooled my burnt face. My rainy disposition brought me back where I needed to be.
Granted, I do love Ben. I love him very much. He treats me like a princess, and never lets me forget that I deserve it. He makes me feel worthwhile. Someone cares so deeply for me, and in such a short period of time. What a guy.... But I'm not in love with him. I simply love him.
I still wear this ring on my finger. Ben asked about it the other day. I told him the whole story; how it began with Zavy and how it still hasn't ended. He nodded like he understood, but I knew that his blood was boiling with jealousy. Us redheads can never lie about our jealousy. Our faces flush with anger. Of course, I felt terrible.
I sat in silence in his car. "...Do you want me to take it off?" I asked.
He shook his head. My heart sank deeper. What am I doing to him? Why am I hurting him like this?
A little free write now...
It had been a long day. I came home late after staying after hours to set up a network in the building. It was dark by the time I was able to leave, and I was annoyed. I would be going home to an empty house. My husband was on a business trip, and my daughter (the college freshman, and the only one that still lived with us) wouldn't be out of work until 'late'. I planned on just going to sleep the moment I got home instead of indulging in the silent house.
And sleep was what I did, not even bothering to change my clothes. I dreamless sleep, like the majority of my other nights. Nothing spectacular.
My alarm clock buzzed me back to consciousness at 5:45 am. As I rolled over, I saw that someone was in the bed with me. I was puzzled of course since my husband wasn't expected to come home for another two days. Her hair draped in front of her face, I saw it was my daughter. I brushed her hair from her face softly. She stirred.
"Good morning." I said.
She smiled sleepily.
"Did you have a bad dream?" I joked.
She shook her head. "I had a really bad night at work." She stopped and stretched a bit before looking up at me. "I didn't want to do anything stupid, so I figured I'd wake up next to someone worth waking up with."
I'm not sure what made me explode, but I did. I found myself in the office not fifteen minutes after I arrived disolving in a pool of tears and rocking myself back and forth.
Alanna said she understands. She said "The person you love isn't the person you're in love with." Bingo. I cried harder when I realized that she did actually understand. I never wanted to stop. My hot tears cooled my burnt face. My rainy disposition brought me back where I needed to be.
Granted, I do love Ben. I love him very much. He treats me like a princess, and never lets me forget that I deserve it. He makes me feel worthwhile. Someone cares so deeply for me, and in such a short period of time. What a guy.... But I'm not in love with him. I simply love him.
I still wear this ring on my finger. Ben asked about it the other day. I told him the whole story; how it began with Zavy and how it still hasn't ended. He nodded like he understood, but I knew that his blood was boiling with jealousy. Us redheads can never lie about our jealousy. Our faces flush with anger. Of course, I felt terrible.
I sat in silence in his car. "...Do you want me to take it off?" I asked.
He shook his head. My heart sank deeper. What am I doing to him? Why am I hurting him like this?
A little free write now...
It had been a long day. I came home late after staying after hours to set up a network in the building. It was dark by the time I was able to leave, and I was annoyed. I would be going home to an empty house. My husband was on a business trip, and my daughter (the college freshman, and the only one that still lived with us) wouldn't be out of work until 'late'. I planned on just going to sleep the moment I got home instead of indulging in the silent house.
And sleep was what I did, not even bothering to change my clothes. I dreamless sleep, like the majority of my other nights. Nothing spectacular.
My alarm clock buzzed me back to consciousness at 5:45 am. As I rolled over, I saw that someone was in the bed with me. I was puzzled of course since my husband wasn't expected to come home for another two days. Her hair draped in front of her face, I saw it was my daughter. I brushed her hair from her face softly. She stirred.
"Good morning." I said.
She smiled sleepily.
"Did you have a bad dream?" I joked.
She shook her head. "I had a really bad night at work." She stopped and stretched a bit before looking up at me. "I didn't want to do anything stupid, so I figured I'd wake up next to someone worth waking up with."
4.17.2007
4.16.2007
4.11.2007
I've slipped. The slope was slick and I saw that, but I kept trudging on. It doesn't matter how good of a grip you think you can get after you've fallen. The point is that you've fallen, and that's enough.
Stupid girls make stupid mistakes. What pisses me off is that I know I'm not stupid. Careless is a better word, although caring is something I very much do.
I'm glad I'm getting together with Lorraine tomorrow. I feel bad because my post-op appointment is tomorrow and I had completely forgotten. Basically, all I'll be able to do is say a quick 'Hello' then run off to my engagement. I won't even get to see Hali, which annoys me too of course. I was really looking forward to hanging out with them, but I spaced. Way to be.
For now, I take Buddy in my arms, have my nightly 'chat', then try to get some sleep. I hope I'll allow myself to rest.
Stupid girls make stupid mistakes. What pisses me off is that I know I'm not stupid. Careless is a better word, although caring is something I very much do.
I'm glad I'm getting together with Lorraine tomorrow. I feel bad because my post-op appointment is tomorrow and I had completely forgotten. Basically, all I'll be able to do is say a quick 'Hello' then run off to my engagement. I won't even get to see Hali, which annoys me too of course. I was really looking forward to hanging out with them, but I spaced. Way to be.
For now, I take Buddy in my arms, have my nightly 'chat', then try to get some sleep. I hope I'll allow myself to rest.
4.08.2007
I was home watching I Love New York when I got the sudden urge to call Clayton. So I did. I ended up driving out to his house and we hung out for a while. I was being a complete fool considering the fact that I was driving on these roads especially at these hours of the night (I left the house at 11 pm, got home at 3 am), but by the time I had called Clayton, I was feeling so lonely and depressed I would have done just about anything for contact comfort.
We played silly games and made absolute asses of ourselves on Guitar Hero. It's been a long while since I had that good of a genuine laugh. Clayton got this idea that he wants to really play guitar as opposed to the *coughriggedcough* game. He got all excited about how he was going to play and I would sing like before. I was excited yes, but I was more interested in learning how to actually play this odd instrument.
All of the guitars were faced away from me, and I believe there were five of them. He picked up his new Fender and strummed around on it before setting it down. Finally he decided on his navy electric. He hooked it up to the amp.
"Which one do you want?" He asked me.
That's like asking which piece of cake I want if I've never eaten sweets. I shrugged. "The blue one."
"You mean the one I'm using?"
"No, no. The one closest to me."
"Oh. That, my dear, is a bass." He said.
I frowned. "Hand it here."
I strapped it on and held it in my hands. I felt a strange sense of confidence in holding this instrument I didn't even have the slightest idea how to play.
"It suits you well. Very well." He said, looking me over.
I looked down at my attire. I had my pink Hello Kitty pajama pants on with my green t-shirt I had worn to work today. Maybe bass players are supposed to look like shit.
He taught me D chord and I flirted around with that for a while. After a few things that I would even think to call a song, Clayton decided to play with a peddle he had recently gotten. I sat with the bass in my hands, dreaming about the band I so badly want to create and be in.
I hit a note. I strummed it a few times, then moved to a higher note, down to a lower note.... before I knew what I was playing, I played the bass line to War All of the Time. Of course it was slow going at first, but I heard Thursday's music in my amp. It sped up gradually until finally I was playing at full tempo. Clayton even played the guitar part, and I sang. More like screamed. I didn't tell Clayton this because he would have kicked my ass, but I think I strained the old pipes a bit tonight. At the same time I find it hard to care. I was having such a marvelous time I hardly noticed the pain (the blood afterwards was what I did notice).
I can't believe myself and what I did. It was a terrible day, but the night... it turned out okay.
We played silly games and made absolute asses of ourselves on Guitar Hero. It's been a long while since I had that good of a genuine laugh. Clayton got this idea that he wants to really play guitar as opposed to the *coughriggedcough* game. He got all excited about how he was going to play and I would sing like before. I was excited yes, but I was more interested in learning how to actually play this odd instrument.
All of the guitars were faced away from me, and I believe there were five of them. He picked up his new Fender and strummed around on it before setting it down. Finally he decided on his navy electric. He hooked it up to the amp.
"Which one do you want?" He asked me.
That's like asking which piece of cake I want if I've never eaten sweets. I shrugged. "The blue one."
"You mean the one I'm using?"
"No, no. The one closest to me."
"Oh. That, my dear, is a bass." He said.
I frowned. "Hand it here."
I strapped it on and held it in my hands. I felt a strange sense of confidence in holding this instrument I didn't even have the slightest idea how to play.
"It suits you well. Very well." He said, looking me over.
I looked down at my attire. I had my pink Hello Kitty pajama pants on with my green t-shirt I had worn to work today. Maybe bass players are supposed to look like shit.
He taught me D chord and I flirted around with that for a while. After a few things that I would even think to call a song, Clayton decided to play with a peddle he had recently gotten. I sat with the bass in my hands, dreaming about the band I so badly want to create and be in.
I hit a note. I strummed it a few times, then moved to a higher note, down to a lower note.... before I knew what I was playing, I played the bass line to War All of the Time. Of course it was slow going at first, but I heard Thursday's music in my amp. It sped up gradually until finally I was playing at full tempo. Clayton even played the guitar part, and I sang. More like screamed. I didn't tell Clayton this because he would have kicked my ass, but I think I strained the old pipes a bit tonight. At the same time I find it hard to care. I was having such a marvelous time I hardly noticed the pain (the blood afterwards was what I did notice).
I can't believe myself and what I did. It was a terrible day, but the night... it turned out okay.
4.07.2007
Ducks are outgoing, social animals who feel the most 'at home' when they’re in a larger group of other ducks. This group of ducks is called a paddling. They spend their days looking for food in the grass or in shallow water, and they sleep together with their paddling at night. Ducks use vocalizations and body language to communicate. Research recently conducted at a British university show that Ducks even use different dialectecs, and have accents dependent on where they live.
Ducks are very unique little creatures. Once Mallards select each other for mates, they mate for life. When you see a hen or a drake all alone, the mate is dead.
I was walking to Sociology a week or so back and I saw a male Mallard. He was going crazy, quacking his head off and making one hell of a racket outside of West Hall. I stood and watched him for a while from across the street. He carried on for minutes, but it seemed like hours. I thought to myself: "What is so wrong with this duck?"
I heard flapping overhead and I looked upwards. A female Mallard was flying over my head. She coasted, and dropped to the side of the male Mallard. He stopped crying, and ran to her side. They nuzzled slightly.
I believe it sweetest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. It melted the ice off of my heart.
Thanks you, God for sending me those ducks.
Ducks are very unique little creatures. Once Mallards select each other for mates, they mate for life. When you see a hen or a drake all alone, the mate is dead.
I was walking to Sociology a week or so back and I saw a male Mallard. He was going crazy, quacking his head off and making one hell of a racket outside of West Hall. I stood and watched him for a while from across the street. He carried on for minutes, but it seemed like hours. I thought to myself: "What is so wrong with this duck?"
I heard flapping overhead and I looked upwards. A female Mallard was flying over my head. She coasted, and dropped to the side of the male Mallard. He stopped crying, and ran to her side. They nuzzled slightly.
I believe it sweetest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. It melted the ice off of my heart.
Thanks you, God for sending me those ducks.
4.03.2007
I was searching around the Internet, looking at funny and entertaining things to occupy my mind. Depressed, of course. My only mood as of late.
I stumbled across this person's writings. I don't know who they are, where they come from, or what their interests are, but they wrote something that stole me.
You know, there are 20 angels on the earth right now. Nine of them are asleep. Six of them are playing. Four of them are working. There is one angel who is reading this and secretly wonders if this last angel could be her.
It blew my mind.
I'm not delusional. I'm not telling myself that I am this angel, without any shadow of a doubt. That would be foolish and in my opinion, a bit narcissistic. What I did take from it though, was inspiration. I have a purpose in life, despite how dismal and gloomy my future looks. I'm better than this. I need to help people. I feel somewhat obliged to save them.
I might not be the angel that this person wrote about, but I must admit I would really like to be.
I stumbled across this person's writings. I don't know who they are, where they come from, or what their interests are, but they wrote something that stole me.
You know, there are 20 angels on the earth right now. Nine of them are asleep. Six of them are playing. Four of them are working. There is one angel who is reading this and secretly wonders if this last angel could be her.
It blew my mind.
I'm not delusional. I'm not telling myself that I am this angel, without any shadow of a doubt. That would be foolish and in my opinion, a bit narcissistic. What I did take from it though, was inspiration. I have a purpose in life, despite how dismal and gloomy my future looks. I'm better than this. I need to help people. I feel somewhat obliged to save them.
I might not be the angel that this person wrote about, but I must admit I would really like to be.
None of this is going to make sense.
It's been a bad day. It's been a very lonely, quiet road. I hate myself for all the mistakes that I can't fix, but for some reason I feel guilty for forgiving myself. Can I wash my hands clean without feeling like I've done the worst thing in the world??
I wrote all over my body, in hopes of gaining some pride in myself. I free wrote, hardly paying attention to the words that came out. My left thigh surprised me. "You need to stay calm. You will be alright, and you need to love yourself. No one or nothing is so important to make you feel this miserable. You are a good person and you are worth it. Love yourself. Please, even if he doesn't."
My head is in the right place. So is my heart. I know I'm on the brink of something great. I know that I have so much potential in my life, but I don't know how to use it. Whenever I try, I get shot down.
I'm so done. I'm done trying. I'm done loving.... I can't anymore. It's all gone.
I love you. I can't even use the right words. There aren't any words that could ever come close to explaining it. I'm so sorry.... I wish I could fix it. I wish I could get out of your hair and you and I both could get on with out lives. You know what's funny? I thought today that I should just stop being around you. I wouldn't bother you anymore. You'd have a great life. I don't care about me anymore. I want you to be happy.
Stop it... please stop it. Make it stop hurting me so much. I'm just a girl... just a silly stupid girl with nothing but a dream and a prayer.
And you know what else I've been praying for? I pray that God would take my life in my sleep. I pray that no one would miss me, and I pray that everyone would live happily. I want everyone to be happy...!
Please don't judge me for this. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Just make this pain go away....
It's been a bad day. It's been a very lonely, quiet road. I hate myself for all the mistakes that I can't fix, but for some reason I feel guilty for forgiving myself. Can I wash my hands clean without feeling like I've done the worst thing in the world??
I wrote all over my body, in hopes of gaining some pride in myself. I free wrote, hardly paying attention to the words that came out. My left thigh surprised me. "You need to stay calm. You will be alright, and you need to love yourself. No one or nothing is so important to make you feel this miserable. You are a good person and you are worth it. Love yourself. Please, even if he doesn't."
My head is in the right place. So is my heart. I know I'm on the brink of something great. I know that I have so much potential in my life, but I don't know how to use it. Whenever I try, I get shot down.
I'm so done. I'm done trying. I'm done loving.... I can't anymore. It's all gone.
I love you. I can't even use the right words. There aren't any words that could ever come close to explaining it. I'm so sorry.... I wish I could fix it. I wish I could get out of your hair and you and I both could get on with out lives. You know what's funny? I thought today that I should just stop being around you. I wouldn't bother you anymore. You'd have a great life. I don't care about me anymore. I want you to be happy.
Stop it... please stop it. Make it stop hurting me so much. I'm just a girl... just a silly stupid girl with nothing but a dream and a prayer.
And you know what else I've been praying for? I pray that God would take my life in my sleep. I pray that no one would miss me, and I pray that everyone would live happily. I want everyone to be happy...!
Please don't judge me for this. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Just make this pain go away....
3.24.2007
This entry isn't to make a rouse or try to encourage any hard feelings. I've even considered writing it in spanish, but I think that's rude. If you want to read it, then you may read it.
I have started my job. It's great really with all of these great guys around me who seem to genuinely care about my well-being. I've missed being the 'little sister' figure in the social setting. My job is to smile sweetly, flirt, and make everyone's moral go up, and it's something I like to think that I do well. I get to play the little ray of sunshine and I love it.
I'm starting to make more friends which is a relief but a burden at the same time. I don't mean to say that I don't like it, because I do. I love having people to lean on... and to have them lean on me! What an honor! I guess it's a lot harder to explain than it is to feel.
I hung out with Clayton until 2 something in the morning yesterday and we had a lot of fun. I really didn't want to go out with anyone. I had a night planned at home, but I caved at the idea of singing. We got together and we walked downtown for a while. He bought me a smoothie at Espresso Bay and we went back to my house. He played to guitar and I sang. I haven't really sang like that for a long time and I'm not as good as I once was, but it didn't matter.
After a while we decided that food was in order, so off to J & S we went. I actually ate. We talked about psychology and music.
So today when I got out of work, we both went outside so he could smoke a cigarette. I had just punched out and it was a gorgeous day out. We sat down on the curb.
"So how is Corey then?" He asked.
"He seems like he's good. We talked for a while last night." I said, fiddling with a pebble on the sidewalk.
"I heard rumors. You know. Yeah, and I saw him with another girl. Do you know about that?" He asked.
"No."
Silence.
"You know what I thought when you told me that he left you?" He chuckled somewhat nervously. "I thought 'He's crazy'. You... you're amazing. I don't even know you. We met only a few days ago and whenever I see you...." He trailed off and I looked at him. He stared straight forward and took a drag from his cigarette.
"Everytime I see you or think about you I get butterflies. I really like you. You're incredible and I can't imagine why any man would ever leave you."
I'm sure I blushed a shade to match my hair. I had a feeling since my first day there that Clayton felt something for me, but I felt I must have imagined it. I felt - feel terrible. How in the world can I let someone down like that though? How do you try to explain to someone "Sorry, but I'm not looking. There's only one person I feel I can be with." How do you explain that you're devoted to a dream?
I'm scared and sad by the fact that I will have to tell him eventually about my promise I made to myself. I am finished looking. I don't want to lose Clayton as a friend and that's what I'm scared of more than anything. I'm proud to have the friends I do and the thought of losing any of them is pretty much unbearable. I feel like I have to burn this bridge in order to build it.
My boring self will be going to bed early tonight. Andrew decided to go get drunk tonight, Andrea is busy the entire weekend, Lauren is very ill, it would be awkward to have Clayton around....
So here I sit watching G4, waiting to pass out from exhaustion.
I haven't cried today.
Last night was a great night, and I'm so glad I got to talk to you. ~Taps screen~ Yeah. You.
I have started my job. It's great really with all of these great guys around me who seem to genuinely care about my well-being. I've missed being the 'little sister' figure in the social setting. My job is to smile sweetly, flirt, and make everyone's moral go up, and it's something I like to think that I do well. I get to play the little ray of sunshine and I love it.
I'm starting to make more friends which is a relief but a burden at the same time. I don't mean to say that I don't like it, because I do. I love having people to lean on... and to have them lean on me! What an honor! I guess it's a lot harder to explain than it is to feel.
I hung out with Clayton until 2 something in the morning yesterday and we had a lot of fun. I really didn't want to go out with anyone. I had a night planned at home, but I caved at the idea of singing. We got together and we walked downtown for a while. He bought me a smoothie at Espresso Bay and we went back to my house. He played to guitar and I sang. I haven't really sang like that for a long time and I'm not as good as I once was, but it didn't matter.
After a while we decided that food was in order, so off to J & S we went. I actually ate. We talked about psychology and music.
So today when I got out of work, we both went outside so he could smoke a cigarette. I had just punched out and it was a gorgeous day out. We sat down on the curb.
"So how is Corey then?" He asked.
"He seems like he's good. We talked for a while last night." I said, fiddling with a pebble on the sidewalk.
"I heard rumors. You know. Yeah, and I saw him with another girl. Do you know about that?" He asked.
"No."
Silence.
"You know what I thought when you told me that he left you?" He chuckled somewhat nervously. "I thought 'He's crazy'. You... you're amazing. I don't even know you. We met only a few days ago and whenever I see you...." He trailed off and I looked at him. He stared straight forward and took a drag from his cigarette.
"Everytime I see you or think about you I get butterflies. I really like you. You're incredible and I can't imagine why any man would ever leave you."
I'm sure I blushed a shade to match my hair. I had a feeling since my first day there that Clayton felt something for me, but I felt I must have imagined it. I felt - feel terrible. How in the world can I let someone down like that though? How do you try to explain to someone "Sorry, but I'm not looking. There's only one person I feel I can be with." How do you explain that you're devoted to a dream?
I'm scared and sad by the fact that I will have to tell him eventually about my promise I made to myself. I am finished looking. I don't want to lose Clayton as a friend and that's what I'm scared of more than anything. I'm proud to have the friends I do and the thought of losing any of them is pretty much unbearable. I feel like I have to burn this bridge in order to build it.
My boring self will be going to bed early tonight. Andrew decided to go get drunk tonight, Andrea is busy the entire weekend, Lauren is very ill, it would be awkward to have Clayton around....
So here I sit watching G4, waiting to pass out from exhaustion.
I haven't cried today.
Last night was a great night, and I'm so glad I got to talk to you. ~Taps screen~ Yeah. You.
3.22.2007
Damn you Phantom of the Opera.
Think of me,
think of me fondly when we've said goodbye.
Remember me once in a while,
please promise me you'll try.
When you find that once again you long
to take your heart backand be free,
if you ever find a moment,
spare a thought for me.
We never said our love was evergreen,
or as unchanging as the sea
but if you can still remember
stop and think of me.
Think of all the things we've shared and seen
don't think about the things which might have been.
Think of me. . .
think of me waking silent and resigned.
Imagine me,trying too hard to put you from my mind.
Recall those days, look back on all those times,
think of the things we'll never do
there will never be a day, when I won't think of you . . . .
It's really boring around here. Andrea called me and we talked for a while. She's having some tough times with her employment. I feel terrible for her. Let myself cry in front of her this morning (my ultimate trust bond). I think she knew how much that meant to me.
I'd be out doing something incredibly stupid and dangerous right now but I simply don't have the strength. If I could bring myself to eat, I'd do it.
I went for a long moped ride today after my pre-op appointment too. My face and hands went numb after five minutes. It was nice though. I forgot what it was like to see the town via moped. It's such a different experience than biking, walking, driving.... It's relaxing. I'm still lonely though.
Think of me,
think of me fondly when we've said goodbye.
Remember me once in a while,
please promise me you'll try.
When you find that once again you long
to take your heart backand be free,
if you ever find a moment,
spare a thought for me.
We never said our love was evergreen,
or as unchanging as the sea
but if you can still remember
stop and think of me.
Think of all the things we've shared and seen
don't think about the things which might have been.
Think of me. . .
think of me waking silent and resigned.
Imagine me,trying too hard to put you from my mind.
Recall those days, look back on all those times,
think of the things we'll never do
there will never be a day, when I won't think of you . . . .
It's really boring around here. Andrea called me and we talked for a while. She's having some tough times with her employment. I feel terrible for her. Let myself cry in front of her this morning (my ultimate trust bond). I think she knew how much that meant to me.
I'd be out doing something incredibly stupid and dangerous right now but I simply don't have the strength. If I could bring myself to eat, I'd do it.
I went for a long moped ride today after my pre-op appointment too. My face and hands went numb after five minutes. It was nice though. I forgot what it was like to see the town via moped. It's such a different experience than biking, walking, driving.... It's relaxing. I'm still lonely though.
3.21.2007
I don't know where to start exactly. Today has been... the worst day of my life. My denial phase is over, and I can no longer live in that veil of ignorance. It hit me tonight when I was walking from Scholar's Hall back to my car on the other side of campus. It was right after Spanish class, and all of a sudden a downpour started. That's when I looked up to the sky and I knew. I nearly fell to my knees outside of the Library... the place where we truly first met. It broke me down. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm scared to move anywhere or do anything. What if I lose someone else? What if I hurt someone? I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I hardly can now.
Everywhere I looked today was him. When I first woke up, I opened my eyes to see Buddy (my dog I got from him on Valentine's Day) staring me right in the face. Lauren and I walked around campus and I saw Jonathon, his co-worker soon after. I saw a lot of his friends from the Magic tournaments walking all around campus. I heard what I considered to be our song on the radio before I snapped it off in pain. It's never been like this. I've never been around so much 'reminder' material. It's like fate is laughing at me in my face and it wants me dead.
Hali is a friend of mine from Spanish class. She saw that I was bothered I guess because she asked what was wrong. I ended up telling her everything. We had a talk about God and the devine plan and she asked me something that made me cry in her arms. She asked to pray for me. It made me feel so wonderful to be considered worthwhile not only in the eyes of God, but by Hali too.
Now it's my first night alone. In all honesty, although I don't want anyone near me right now, I'm so incredibly lonely. Well I lie. There are a few people I'd like to be around right now, but I:
A. Don't have their phone numbers
B. If I do have their numbers, they're just at the Kittie concert anyway
C. Very possibly don't want to be around me right now.
You know who I want to see? Jason Bishop. I want to talk about cars. He's a friendly face who treats me well.
I'm sorry I let you down, love. I love you. I will for the rest of my life. Sorry.
Everywhere I looked today was him. When I first woke up, I opened my eyes to see Buddy (my dog I got from him on Valentine's Day) staring me right in the face. Lauren and I walked around campus and I saw Jonathon, his co-worker soon after. I saw a lot of his friends from the Magic tournaments walking all around campus. I heard what I considered to be our song on the radio before I snapped it off in pain. It's never been like this. I've never been around so much 'reminder' material. It's like fate is laughing at me in my face and it wants me dead.
Hali is a friend of mine from Spanish class. She saw that I was bothered I guess because she asked what was wrong. I ended up telling her everything. We had a talk about God and the devine plan and she asked me something that made me cry in her arms. She asked to pray for me. It made me feel so wonderful to be considered worthwhile not only in the eyes of God, but by Hali too.
Now it's my first night alone. In all honesty, although I don't want anyone near me right now, I'm so incredibly lonely. Well I lie. There are a few people I'd like to be around right now, but I:
A. Don't have their phone numbers
B. If I do have their numbers, they're just at the Kittie concert anyway
C. Very possibly don't want to be around me right now.
You know who I want to see? Jason Bishop. I want to talk about cars. He's a friendly face who treats me well.
I'm sorry I let you down, love. I love you. I will for the rest of my life. Sorry.
3.20.2007
Lauren will be spending the night tonight.
I've been left shattered after what started out to be a great day. I love him and I always will, but I don't know if I can see him right now. I'm not sure when I'll be able to. I'm far to hurt and much too scared.
IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyou
IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyou, can't you see that?
We'll be playing camera whore tonight and picking up my shattered self from the food court floor.
But I find it odd.... Here I sit alone in my room with my cat by my side wearing a promise ring that promises me nothing.
Please come back to me.
I've been left shattered after what started out to be a great day. I love him and I always will, but I don't know if I can see him right now. I'm not sure when I'll be able to. I'm far to hurt and much too scared.
IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyou
IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyou, can't you see that?
We'll be playing camera whore tonight and picking up my shattered self from the food court floor.
But I find it odd.... Here I sit alone in my room with my cat by my side wearing a promise ring that promises me nothing.
Please come back to me.
3.19.2007
I've had all of these one liners running around in my head lately that I've been meaning to incorporate into several short stories lately. I think I'm starting to get back into my 'writing swing' once again which would really explain my recent behavior. It's a relief, really.
"She laughed. 'How foolish would I look to a stranger right now? To be caught in this compromising position?'"
"I hate you Britney Noble, for inviting the perfect Jerry Swanson to your birthday party."
"I stared and stared at the ever shrinking city behind me and continued to wonder about my life."
I'm not sure how many I'll do right now, but this mood has had me in a vice-grip all day. Please know that these are all workings of my imagination. The first story was an idea I came up with long ago. The second occured to me as I was driving into the college a few days ago, but happened to be when I was about 7. The third came to me tonight as I looked over the city from my front porch, but it is a true story that I want to lay out in paper before the memory fades.
I must warn that this entry is exceedingly long.
Enjoy I suppose.
She woke up late for her first appointment that morning. At 8:30, the precise moment her first tour group was supposed to begin, her eyes flitted open. She noted he was on the couch, and an art book of Frida Kahlo's work was resting on her stomach. She stretched and begrudingly sat up after a few moments of laying in a half conscious stupor. The clock on the wall read nothing but bad news. Confused and attempting to remember what day of the week it was, she rubbed her eyes and suddenly realized the time.
"Fuck!" She yelled, scrambling off the couch and knocking her book to the floor. She bolted up the stairs to pull her black pants on and throw her black blouse over her head. Not having time to even look in the mirror, she pulled her long Sandy hair into a bun on the back of her head. She didn't bother locking the door to her apartment, knowing in the back of her mind that no one would come by to look for her anyway. She practically threw the lock off of her bike and began to ride. Luckily is was a nicer day. At the very least it wasn't raining.
She didn't bother to lock her bike either. As fast as she could, she ran up the muesem steps and ran through the doors. Her boss was standing right inside of the entry way. She glanced at her watch, then looked to her. At a loss for words, she looked down to the floor and shruged. What excuse was there to give? Her boss draped her nametag around her neck. "Your 9:30 tour group will arrive any minute. Go wait for them by France."
By France, her boss meant the french artist section. She waited patiently with her sign in her hand for clueless masses of muesem goers to huddle around and wait for her guidance. When the tour began, she snapped on her tour guide smile (the one she believes is the one that makes her the most recommended tour guide in the entire museum), followed through her movements, and didn’t even listen to herself when she recited dates and ‘interesting facts’. Her head was swimming with thoughts today.
Inside she was miserable. It was a day that she wanted to be finished with so she could go home and get some rest so she could be miserable tomorrow and do to same thing over and over again. She knew she was a pawn, but she found it difficult to care.
She led tour after tour, snapping on the adorable smile and the voice to match. Her lunch break came an hour late just as she had been. She walked a block down to the Mom and Pop kiosk to buy her usual sandwich and drink. As she looked down the row of goods, she noticed something she had never noticed before; a pack of razor blades. Without thinking or missing a beat, she took them down from the clip that held them and took them and approached the cashier.
“And a pack of Djarum Blacks.” She said. The cashier eyed her strangely. She shrugged again and handed him her money. Without waiting for her change, she walked back outside onto the busy sidewalk. She took the out of place matchbook that she kept in her purse and lit her Djarum. Clove cigarettes. She hadn’t had one since her teens.
She lingered outside to finish her cigarette, but promptly went inside. Walking quickly and efficiently, she made her way to the bathroom and locked herself inside a stall. The always busy bathroom was now strangely quiet as she found herself rolling up her sleeve to expose her pale arm. Taking one of the razors out of the pack, she lightly touched the skin near her elbow. Although she didn’t feel a thing, she saw a quick flash of crimson. She stared at it and then did something she didn’t expect to do.
She laughed.
“How foolish would I look to a stranger right now? To be caught in this compromising position?” She said aloud. She threw the razor into the feminine hygiene box that sat beside the toilet, still laughing. She dabbed at her wound and rolled her sleeve back down. She could remember the last time that she had been this happy, but it was long ago. She twirled the promise ring that she still wore around her finger; the one that no longer promised anything. Her smile was genuine, and her words were significant.
As she left the museum that evening, she noticed that her bike was no longer there. As she had forgotten to put the lock on that morning, her transportation had fallen prey to the mean city streets. This didn’t bother her. Instead, she walked home humming the theme from Carmen’s opera. As she entered her apartment, she tossed her keys to their usual place on the coffee table and smiled.
Now all there was left to do was fall asleep and wake up to be miserable in the morning.
Certainly not that great, but I wanted to atleast get some of that in hard copy before I forgot it.
Britney Noble was the biggest brat in the entire 1st grade class. Her Mommy and Daddy had a lot of money, and Britney had no problem showing this off. She would come in on show and tell days with picture of her new horses or would impress everyone with her extensive toy collection. Well, everyone except me. I seemed to be the only kid who didn't like Britney, and that made me feel like an outcast.
When my birthday came around and I got a kitten, I was excited to bring him in for show and tell. The whole class gathered around my sleeping, black, fuzzy kitten and giggled. I felt as high as the sky. Britney was not impressed. "So what?" She said. "I have dog that's cooler than that and I'll bring him to show you." Sure enough, the next week Britney's dog came in for show and tell and no one cared about my kitten anymore. It felt like war between the two of us and I hated her.
Britney's birthday was coming soon and I was surprised when I got an invitation to her party. I can't remember the gift that I got her, but I do remember hearing that Jerry Swanson was going to be there. In my 7 year old mind, there was no one better than Jerry Swanson. He was cute and funny and I was sure I was going to marry him. If I remember correctly, he was the reason I even went to the party.
Britney sat down to open gifts. She didn't like mine and as much as I tried to hide it, it ripped my heart out. She opened Jerry's later and she 'ooh'ed and 'aah'ed like it was the best gift in the world. It was a toy horse.
"I hate you Britney Noble, for inviting the perfect Jerry Swanson to your birthday party." I thought. I got up to go to the bathroom, but ended up hiding behind a china cabinet instead. I heard Britney's Mom asking where I had gone, but Britney said she didn't know. I must have stayed behind that china cabinet for atleast half an hour until Britney's Mom finally heard me sobbing. All the crying had made me sick so when I finally went to the bathroom I had a reason to be there.
When my Mom came to pick me up, I sat in the front seat and she looked at me in my little party dress and my hair done up in my black, purple, and pink barette and asked me: "Did you have fun?"
I looked up at my Mom and said: "I don't like Britney Noble very much."
That's just another silly memory I just wanted to get out for some reason. To me it seems like something that would be in Chicken Soup for the Children's Soul.
This was a pivotal moment in my life. It's mushy and kind of dumb, but it's important to me.
It was January 8th. I remember the date because just two years ago on that day, my Dad had gone sober. To celebrate, my parents decided that our family trip that year was to take a cruise around the Caribbean. I spent the whole first day investigating every inch of every floor humming "My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic. If the front of the boat wouldn't have been guarded, I would have tried flying like Rose did.
When night had fallen, I went to the open aired Promenade Deck to look out over the water. I faced West and saw Miami. I stared and stared at the further shrinking city behind me and continued to wonder about my life. I was only twelve years old but I couldn't help thinking that I would never find anyone for me, a feeling that followed me throughout my teenage years.
I looked up to the sky. The stars were brilliant. I saw Orion the warrior, the protector, standing next to the river Eridanus as the legend told and in that moment I knew that my soulmate was looking at the same stars I was looking at. I had fallen in love with an unknown man. What if he had died before I got to know him? What if he had decided to never marry? What if I never met him?
I looked over the rail to the waves below and shed a single tear. That's when I prayed. I prayed for him, whoever he was. I asked for him to be happy and healthy and for God to look out for him. I sighed after my prayer. I left the vacant deck and went the floor up to get a slushie before I went back down to our cabin.
I had a dream that night. I dreamt that I had met this faceless soulmate. I remember he was funny, but that's about all I can clearly remember.
The next day I met Carolina Salvi, a nice Argentine girl. She told me all about her country and I listened eagerly. We spent everyday together on that cruise, and I promised her that one day I would go to Argentina to see her and to see what it was like. In return, she promised that I would have a place to stay with her. Call me crazy, but I still think about her.
But more than anyone I think about that faceless man I fell in love with that night.
I'm sorry it's so damned long. It's a wretched entry with nothing of much interest to report on. It was just free write time, and now I feel completely renewed. Thanks for letting me bare-all.
"She laughed. 'How foolish would I look to a stranger right now? To be caught in this compromising position?'"
"I hate you Britney Noble, for inviting the perfect Jerry Swanson to your birthday party."
"I stared and stared at the ever shrinking city behind me and continued to wonder about my life."
I'm not sure how many I'll do right now, but this mood has had me in a vice-grip all day. Please know that these are all workings of my imagination. The first story was an idea I came up with long ago. The second occured to me as I was driving into the college a few days ago, but happened to be when I was about 7. The third came to me tonight as I looked over the city from my front porch, but it is a true story that I want to lay out in paper before the memory fades.
I must warn that this entry is exceedingly long.
Enjoy I suppose.
She woke up late for her first appointment that morning. At 8:30, the precise moment her first tour group was supposed to begin, her eyes flitted open. She noted he was on the couch, and an art book of Frida Kahlo's work was resting on her stomach. She stretched and begrudingly sat up after a few moments of laying in a half conscious stupor. The clock on the wall read nothing but bad news. Confused and attempting to remember what day of the week it was, she rubbed her eyes and suddenly realized the time.
"Fuck!" She yelled, scrambling off the couch and knocking her book to the floor. She bolted up the stairs to pull her black pants on and throw her black blouse over her head. Not having time to even look in the mirror, she pulled her long Sandy hair into a bun on the back of her head. She didn't bother locking the door to her apartment, knowing in the back of her mind that no one would come by to look for her anyway. She practically threw the lock off of her bike and began to ride. Luckily is was a nicer day. At the very least it wasn't raining.
She didn't bother to lock her bike either. As fast as she could, she ran up the muesem steps and ran through the doors. Her boss was standing right inside of the entry way. She glanced at her watch, then looked to her. At a loss for words, she looked down to the floor and shruged. What excuse was there to give? Her boss draped her nametag around her neck. "Your 9:30 tour group will arrive any minute. Go wait for them by France."
By France, her boss meant the french artist section. She waited patiently with her sign in her hand for clueless masses of muesem goers to huddle around and wait for her guidance. When the tour began, she snapped on her tour guide smile (the one she believes is the one that makes her the most recommended tour guide in the entire museum), followed through her movements, and didn’t even listen to herself when she recited dates and ‘interesting facts’. Her head was swimming with thoughts today.
Inside she was miserable. It was a day that she wanted to be finished with so she could go home and get some rest so she could be miserable tomorrow and do to same thing over and over again. She knew she was a pawn, but she found it difficult to care.
She led tour after tour, snapping on the adorable smile and the voice to match. Her lunch break came an hour late just as she had been. She walked a block down to the Mom and Pop kiosk to buy her usual sandwich and drink. As she looked down the row of goods, she noticed something she had never noticed before; a pack of razor blades. Without thinking or missing a beat, she took them down from the clip that held them and took them and approached the cashier.
“And a pack of Djarum Blacks.” She said. The cashier eyed her strangely. She shrugged again and handed him her money. Without waiting for her change, she walked back outside onto the busy sidewalk. She took the out of place matchbook that she kept in her purse and lit her Djarum. Clove cigarettes. She hadn’t had one since her teens.
She lingered outside to finish her cigarette, but promptly went inside. Walking quickly and efficiently, she made her way to the bathroom and locked herself inside a stall. The always busy bathroom was now strangely quiet as she found herself rolling up her sleeve to expose her pale arm. Taking one of the razors out of the pack, she lightly touched the skin near her elbow. Although she didn’t feel a thing, she saw a quick flash of crimson. She stared at it and then did something she didn’t expect to do.
She laughed.
“How foolish would I look to a stranger right now? To be caught in this compromising position?” She said aloud. She threw the razor into the feminine hygiene box that sat beside the toilet, still laughing. She dabbed at her wound and rolled her sleeve back down. She could remember the last time that she had been this happy, but it was long ago. She twirled the promise ring that she still wore around her finger; the one that no longer promised anything. Her smile was genuine, and her words were significant.
As she left the museum that evening, she noticed that her bike was no longer there. As she had forgotten to put the lock on that morning, her transportation had fallen prey to the mean city streets. This didn’t bother her. Instead, she walked home humming the theme from Carmen’s opera. As she entered her apartment, she tossed her keys to their usual place on the coffee table and smiled.
Now all there was left to do was fall asleep and wake up to be miserable in the morning.
Certainly not that great, but I wanted to atleast get some of that in hard copy before I forgot it.
Britney Noble was the biggest brat in the entire 1st grade class. Her Mommy and Daddy had a lot of money, and Britney had no problem showing this off. She would come in on show and tell days with picture of her new horses or would impress everyone with her extensive toy collection. Well, everyone except me. I seemed to be the only kid who didn't like Britney, and that made me feel like an outcast.
When my birthday came around and I got a kitten, I was excited to bring him in for show and tell. The whole class gathered around my sleeping, black, fuzzy kitten and giggled. I felt as high as the sky. Britney was not impressed. "So what?" She said. "I have dog that's cooler than that and I'll bring him to show you." Sure enough, the next week Britney's dog came in for show and tell and no one cared about my kitten anymore. It felt like war between the two of us and I hated her.
Britney's birthday was coming soon and I was surprised when I got an invitation to her party. I can't remember the gift that I got her, but I do remember hearing that Jerry Swanson was going to be there. In my 7 year old mind, there was no one better than Jerry Swanson. He was cute and funny and I was sure I was going to marry him. If I remember correctly, he was the reason I even went to the party.
Britney sat down to open gifts. She didn't like mine and as much as I tried to hide it, it ripped my heart out. She opened Jerry's later and she 'ooh'ed and 'aah'ed like it was the best gift in the world. It was a toy horse.
"I hate you Britney Noble, for inviting the perfect Jerry Swanson to your birthday party." I thought. I got up to go to the bathroom, but ended up hiding behind a china cabinet instead. I heard Britney's Mom asking where I had gone, but Britney said she didn't know. I must have stayed behind that china cabinet for atleast half an hour until Britney's Mom finally heard me sobbing. All the crying had made me sick so when I finally went to the bathroom I had a reason to be there.
When my Mom came to pick me up, I sat in the front seat and she looked at me in my little party dress and my hair done up in my black, purple, and pink barette and asked me: "Did you have fun?"
I looked up at my Mom and said: "I don't like Britney Noble very much."
That's just another silly memory I just wanted to get out for some reason. To me it seems like something that would be in Chicken Soup for the Children's Soul.
This was a pivotal moment in my life. It's mushy and kind of dumb, but it's important to me.
It was January 8th. I remember the date because just two years ago on that day, my Dad had gone sober. To celebrate, my parents decided that our family trip that year was to take a cruise around the Caribbean. I spent the whole first day investigating every inch of every floor humming "My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic. If the front of the boat wouldn't have been guarded, I would have tried flying like Rose did.
When night had fallen, I went to the open aired Promenade Deck to look out over the water. I faced West and saw Miami. I stared and stared at the further shrinking city behind me and continued to wonder about my life. I was only twelve years old but I couldn't help thinking that I would never find anyone for me, a feeling that followed me throughout my teenage years.
I looked up to the sky. The stars were brilliant. I saw Orion the warrior, the protector, standing next to the river Eridanus as the legend told and in that moment I knew that my soulmate was looking at the same stars I was looking at. I had fallen in love with an unknown man. What if he had died before I got to know him? What if he had decided to never marry? What if I never met him?
I looked over the rail to the waves below and shed a single tear. That's when I prayed. I prayed for him, whoever he was. I asked for him to be happy and healthy and for God to look out for him. I sighed after my prayer. I left the vacant deck and went the floor up to get a slushie before I went back down to our cabin.
I had a dream that night. I dreamt that I had met this faceless soulmate. I remember he was funny, but that's about all I can clearly remember.
The next day I met Carolina Salvi, a nice Argentine girl. She told me all about her country and I listened eagerly. We spent everyday together on that cruise, and I promised her that one day I would go to Argentina to see her and to see what it was like. In return, she promised that I would have a place to stay with her. Call me crazy, but I still think about her.
But more than anyone I think about that faceless man I fell in love with that night.
I'm sorry it's so damned long. It's a wretched entry with nothing of much interest to report on. It was just free write time, and now I feel completely renewed. Thanks for letting me bare-all.
Hi, God.
So.... why is this so tough for me? I wish I had strength to get through the day without thinking there is something wrong with me. I would fix it if I had your help. I just wish I knew what needs fixing.
Help me in my days to become that better person. I want to be someone suitable for this man that I love so dearly. Please calm this storm that is raging in my heart right now. I love him. And this hypocrit can't help but be scared of the unknown, even though the entry she wrote a short while ago suggested to just relax.
You'll never really know the sincerity behind this when I say....
Help me.
So.... why is this so tough for me? I wish I had strength to get through the day without thinking there is something wrong with me. I would fix it if I had your help. I just wish I knew what needs fixing.
Help me in my days to become that better person. I want to be someone suitable for this man that I love so dearly. Please calm this storm that is raging in my heart right now. I love him. And this hypocrit can't help but be scared of the unknown, even though the entry she wrote a short while ago suggested to just relax.
You'll never really know the sincerity behind this when I say....
Help me.
3.12.2007
UPDATE AS OF 8:17 PM- I am beginning my medication tomorrow. If I remember correctly, they started working in near full effect by 3 pm. I can't treat anyone like this with all these mood swings. It's time for me to take responsibilty for my actions. I AM AN ADULT, so I need to act like one.
I want to apologize to everyone who has been a victim of my manic wrath. You'll quickly see that that person isn't me.
*******
It seems like the melting snowbanks are coughing up everything that it had consumed over the winter. Primary blue hair bands. During a walk today throughout all of the downtown region with my beloved, I counted 5 blue hair ties. While walking from my car into Scholar's Hall I saw two. All of them blue. Is blue an 'in vogue' color? Is it symbolism that this life story of mine is playing out? Perhaps it's a sign from God that I should grow out my hair again? Maybe it's nothing and my overactive imagination is getting the better of me?
I'm tired and hungry. I've forgotten to eat today and now I'm shaking terribly. I'd go home to eat, but class is going to start is 30 minutes and seeing as I'm already at the college with a prime parking spot, leaving would be silly. I'd go get food, but I have conveniently forgotten to leave my credit card and check book at the house too. For better comprehension; I'm fucked. I'll probably try to get out of class early. I'm a waste of space in Spanish anyway.
After today, I think I've decided to go on my medication again (great time to decide to do it, seeing as my health insurance premium goes up very soon). I'm constantly paranoid that something bad is going to happen, and this is a feeling I'd rather live without. Granted, I have hard times. Whatever. So does everybody else in the world. I'm not special and I should give others the respect that they deserve.
Ever since that god awful dream I had I'm worried about being left. My promise still stands that if this relationship doesn't work out, I am done looking. I am positive that there isn't anyone else in the world I would ever be truly happy with than him. It gives me a nervous excited feeling.
Oh yeah and you... *taps his screen* I want to let you know something.
About the baby thing and not wanting to wait. I was wrong. I did a lot of soul searching with this subject. A baby is final and there's no returning it. Do I still want one? Yeah, but not yet. I've.... we've got a good thing going and that wouldn't be a good situation to bring upon ourselves. I love you sir and I respect your wishes.
In regards to the future thing too. You seem to not want to talk about it anymore and that's fine too. I think that's what has got me worried. Nah, not really I guess. I want you to be happy.
Oh and it's not that I don't want to talk about this in person, it's just that I don't know when we'll see each other again. Augh, there go my butterflies.
I hope to hear from you on Tuesday? If not, I'll see ya Wednesday for our movie. ^_^* I love you.
Signing off. Chau gente.
I want to apologize to everyone who has been a victim of my manic wrath. You'll quickly see that that person isn't me.
*******
It seems like the melting snowbanks are coughing up everything that it had consumed over the winter. Primary blue hair bands. During a walk today throughout all of the downtown region with my beloved, I counted 5 blue hair ties. While walking from my car into Scholar's Hall I saw two. All of them blue. Is blue an 'in vogue' color? Is it symbolism that this life story of mine is playing out? Perhaps it's a sign from God that I should grow out my hair again? Maybe it's nothing and my overactive imagination is getting the better of me?
I'm tired and hungry. I've forgotten to eat today and now I'm shaking terribly. I'd go home to eat, but class is going to start is 30 minutes and seeing as I'm already at the college with a prime parking spot, leaving would be silly. I'd go get food, but I have conveniently forgotten to leave my credit card and check book at the house too. For better comprehension; I'm fucked. I'll probably try to get out of class early. I'm a waste of space in Spanish anyway.
After today, I think I've decided to go on my medication again (great time to decide to do it, seeing as my health insurance premium goes up very soon). I'm constantly paranoid that something bad is going to happen, and this is a feeling I'd rather live without. Granted, I have hard times. Whatever. So does everybody else in the world. I'm not special and I should give others the respect that they deserve.
Ever since that god awful dream I had I'm worried about being left. My promise still stands that if this relationship doesn't work out, I am done looking. I am positive that there isn't anyone else in the world I would ever be truly happy with than him. It gives me a nervous excited feeling.
Oh yeah and you... *taps his screen* I want to let you know something.
About the baby thing and not wanting to wait. I was wrong. I did a lot of soul searching with this subject. A baby is final and there's no returning it. Do I still want one? Yeah, but not yet. I've.... we've got a good thing going and that wouldn't be a good situation to bring upon ourselves. I love you sir and I respect your wishes.
In regards to the future thing too. You seem to not want to talk about it anymore and that's fine too. I think that's what has got me worried. Nah, not really I guess. I want you to be happy.
Oh and it's not that I don't want to talk about this in person, it's just that I don't know when we'll see each other again. Augh, there go my butterflies.
I hope to hear from you on Tuesday? If not, I'll see ya Wednesday for our movie. ^_^* I love you.
Signing off. Chau gente.
3.09.2007
Oh my god I didn't mean it. I want to live. I want to live for so many reasons. I want to live for the mornings that I wake up with Poogle Buddy in my arms and tears rolling down my face. I want to live for the daily text message that says a simple good morning. I want to live for the smiles, the frowns, the tears.... everything.
I am in love and I live for him.
An explanation... in all honesty I've just woken up from a terrible, terrible dream. You know the kind of dream you see in movies, then when the person wakes up, they swear they'll change their life and treat people better? That's the one. It was a dream so real that I'm still not sure if it happened or not (I pray to God above that it didn't).
No no no no no no no no no. I can't believe how selfish and childish I was acting yesterday. Please God, help me make everything better.
I am in love and I live for him.
An explanation... in all honesty I've just woken up from a terrible, terrible dream. You know the kind of dream you see in movies, then when the person wakes up, they swear they'll change their life and treat people better? That's the one. It was a dream so real that I'm still not sure if it happened or not (I pray to God above that it didn't).
No no no no no no no no no. I can't believe how selfish and childish I was acting yesterday. Please God, help me make everything better.
3.08.2007
I wrote this to my mother today.... I never sent it.
I am exceptionally upset, and the current situation is dragging out all of these thoughts and feelings I’d so much rather keep to myself. It’d be easier on everybody else.
I thought out of everyone you'd understand how hard it is for me to find employment right now. I AM looking and it feels like no one even cares about my effort. I'm tired. I’m not sleeping. My grades are awful. I'm stressed. I don't want to be in college anymore, but I'm a failure if I stop. What would your family think of me then?
I hate this lifestyle that I have. It's not me. I don't want to be living in this nice neighborhood with a view of the bay. I don't want to be a perfect family on the outside but inside I feel like I'm tearing it apart for speaking my mind, having an opinion, and expressing emotions. I feel terrible for it. Every day I catch myself thinking we were so much happier when we lived in simplicity with that small 3 bedroom ranch. I know I was just happier in general. Like I said; this house that I live in is not my home, and I want to be out as soon as possible. Our lives together as a family isn't about extravagance
And that’s the reason I want to move out so soon. I’m not happy here. I don’t know why but I’m feeling like I’m constantly on a stage and if I make the wrong move I’m in trouble. I’m sure that once I’m out of the house it’ll be a lot easier financially too. Trust me, this job isn’t just for me, nor has it ever been. Now I’m scared that my unemployment is making me seem like a lazy girl… the judgment I’m so terrified to face.
I couldn't tell her anything like that. It would break her heart, would it not? No, no. Best keep it to myself.
My heart is sinking at the very thought of Corey's birthday. Bad gifts etc, etc, etc. His birthday party that I wasn't even aware of until yesterday. I'm breaking apart slowly and throwing the discarded bits out to sea.
You know I was thinking this while driving home:
Money wouldn't be so tight if I were dead.
I wouldn't need surgery if I were dead.
I wouldn't be hurting anyone else if I were dead.
My parents would have a considerably simpler life if I were dead.
My professors would have a lighter load if I were dead.
I wouldn't have to bother quitting or getting fired if I were dead.
Corey loves me and I love him beyond belief, but he wouldn't have to deal with so much bullshit if I were dead.
...But he's the reason I'm still alive.
I am exceptionally upset, and the current situation is dragging out all of these thoughts and feelings I’d so much rather keep to myself. It’d be easier on everybody else.
I thought out of everyone you'd understand how hard it is for me to find employment right now. I AM looking and it feels like no one even cares about my effort. I'm tired. I’m not sleeping. My grades are awful. I'm stressed. I don't want to be in college anymore, but I'm a failure if I stop. What would your family think of me then?
I hate this lifestyle that I have. It's not me. I don't want to be living in this nice neighborhood with a view of the bay. I don't want to be a perfect family on the outside but inside I feel like I'm tearing it apart for speaking my mind, having an opinion, and expressing emotions. I feel terrible for it. Every day I catch myself thinking we were so much happier when we lived in simplicity with that small 3 bedroom ranch. I know I was just happier in general. Like I said; this house that I live in is not my home, and I want to be out as soon as possible. Our lives together as a family isn't about extravagance
And that’s the reason I want to move out so soon. I’m not happy here. I don’t know why but I’m feeling like I’m constantly on a stage and if I make the wrong move I’m in trouble. I’m sure that once I’m out of the house it’ll be a lot easier financially too. Trust me, this job isn’t just for me, nor has it ever been. Now I’m scared that my unemployment is making me seem like a lazy girl… the judgment I’m so terrified to face.
I couldn't tell her anything like that. It would break her heart, would it not? No, no. Best keep it to myself.
My heart is sinking at the very thought of Corey's birthday. Bad gifts etc, etc, etc. His birthday party that I wasn't even aware of until yesterday. I'm breaking apart slowly and throwing the discarded bits out to sea.
You know I was thinking this while driving home:
Money wouldn't be so tight if I were dead.
I wouldn't need surgery if I were dead.
I wouldn't be hurting anyone else if I were dead.
My parents would have a considerably simpler life if I were dead.
My professors would have a lighter load if I were dead.
I wouldn't have to bother quitting or getting fired if I were dead.
Corey loves me and I love him beyond belief, but he wouldn't have to deal with so much bullshit if I were dead.
...But he's the reason I'm still alive.
3.01.2007
I do love him. Very much. My life without him would become a void, simply put. I would not exist if it weren't for him.
It's just the fact that I am coming to the realization that I am done looking for the love of my life. Although I don't know when it'll happen, I'm pseudo counting down the days until I get an engagement ring on my finger. I looked down at my promise ring in the shower yesterday and gasped, finally becoming fully aware of what and how quickly it had happened.
In all honesty I think I'm scared. More than anything I'm scared to hurt this wonderful man who would give me everything if I asked for it. A relationship is a two way street. Love can't come from a single side, nor does it. There are days though where I look at him and think that he could never love me to the extent of how much I love him. The very next day I will catch myself thinking 'Wow, he does love me. I'm not sure if my love for him could even compete against the love he has for me.'
One thing is glaringly obvious on both our behalves. If this relationship goes sour, there is no more trying. No more searching. This is it, and I think this places unnecessary stress on both of us. At this point both him and I are so afraid of losing our other half that if even the slightest bump disrupts us, we go into hyper-sentive-slash-defensive-slash-anger-slash-depression mode. I'm tired of this mode. I'm tired of having to watch my step. I'm not doing anything wrong, but neither is he. We both just need to relax.
We both just need to get laid for that matter.
While doing my depressive float earlier tonight (when I wander aimlessly from room to room, nitpicking at the flaws in the paintjob or dust in the corner), I mulled all of these things over. I was leaning in the bathroom doorway when I let out a pained gasp and clentched my left hand over my right forearm. It felt warm and it throbbed in unison with my heart.
I was afraid to lower my eyes to see what might be wrong. I expected blood, and lots of it. I closed my eyes, expecting the worst and hearing the words of disappointment come from his mouth. Slowly I removed my hand to see the damage that I had surely dealt to myself.
Nothing.
There wasn't a drop of blood to be seen. No scratches or bruises. The pain vanished as quickly as it had come. I wonder if I'm getting phantom nerve pain in my arms.
I love you, sir, and there is not a day that goes by that I wouldn't rather be at your side than anywhere else in the world. You are my soulmate, the love of my life, mi mitad de naranja, and I will never let you go.
It's just the fact that I am coming to the realization that I am done looking for the love of my life. Although I don't know when it'll happen, I'm pseudo counting down the days until I get an engagement ring on my finger. I looked down at my promise ring in the shower yesterday and gasped, finally becoming fully aware of what and how quickly it had happened.
In all honesty I think I'm scared. More than anything I'm scared to hurt this wonderful man who would give me everything if I asked for it. A relationship is a two way street. Love can't come from a single side, nor does it. There are days though where I look at him and think that he could never love me to the extent of how much I love him. The very next day I will catch myself thinking 'Wow, he does love me. I'm not sure if my love for him could even compete against the love he has for me.'
One thing is glaringly obvious on both our behalves. If this relationship goes sour, there is no more trying. No more searching. This is it, and I think this places unnecessary stress on both of us. At this point both him and I are so afraid of losing our other half that if even the slightest bump disrupts us, we go into hyper-sentive-slash-defensive-slash-anger-slash-depression mode. I'm tired of this mode. I'm tired of having to watch my step. I'm not doing anything wrong, but neither is he. We both just need to relax.
We both just need to get laid for that matter.
While doing my depressive float earlier tonight (when I wander aimlessly from room to room, nitpicking at the flaws in the paintjob or dust in the corner), I mulled all of these things over. I was leaning in the bathroom doorway when I let out a pained gasp and clentched my left hand over my right forearm. It felt warm and it throbbed in unison with my heart.
I was afraid to lower my eyes to see what might be wrong. I expected blood, and lots of it. I closed my eyes, expecting the worst and hearing the words of disappointment come from his mouth. Slowly I removed my hand to see the damage that I had surely dealt to myself.
Nothing.
There wasn't a drop of blood to be seen. No scratches or bruises. The pain vanished as quickly as it had come. I wonder if I'm getting phantom nerve pain in my arms.
I love you, sir, and there is not a day that goes by that I wouldn't rather be at your side than anywhere else in the world. You are my soulmate, the love of my life, mi mitad de naranja, and I will never let you go.
1.27.2007
I can't sleep. Almost 6 am and still not a wink of sleep.
Perhaps it's because I am in love.
Yes, I honestly believe that's what is keeping me awake tonight. It's the strangest sensation. I feel nervous and excited whenever I think about him. It's almost like going down a steep hill in a car or experiencing a sharp drop in an airplane. I feel myself fall in love all over again whenever I think about him, and it excites me to no end. Indeed, he is the reason that I am not sleeping tonight. The idea of seeing him tomorrow is enough to keep me awake much like the thought of Santa Claus' visit prevents young children from their slumber as well.
So this is it. This is all that love really is. It's simple. I always imagined it would so much more complex than this. I guess I always thought love was having to say the three lethal words as often as needed and to prove to the other that you do care by physical means. No, that's not what love is at all.
Love is...amazing. Love is an action. Love is an expression.
Love is becoming an insomniac due to the inability to keep your mind off of them.
The excitement I feel to spend the rest of my life with you is unequivical.
Sometimes it seems that it's not so grey anymore. Over half of my lifetime has past and in all honesty I can say for the first time that my life is worth living. My search is over. The meaning to my life has been found. What's odd is that this reason has a name, and I know that he loves me as deeply as I love him.
I have the perfect life.
Perhaps it's because I am in love.
Yes, I honestly believe that's what is keeping me awake tonight. It's the strangest sensation. I feel nervous and excited whenever I think about him. It's almost like going down a steep hill in a car or experiencing a sharp drop in an airplane. I feel myself fall in love all over again whenever I think about him, and it excites me to no end. Indeed, he is the reason that I am not sleeping tonight. The idea of seeing him tomorrow is enough to keep me awake much like the thought of Santa Claus' visit prevents young children from their slumber as well.
So this is it. This is all that love really is. It's simple. I always imagined it would so much more complex than this. I guess I always thought love was having to say the three lethal words as often as needed and to prove to the other that you do care by physical means. No, that's not what love is at all.
Love is...amazing. Love is an action. Love is an expression.
Love is becoming an insomniac due to the inability to keep your mind off of them.
The excitement I feel to spend the rest of my life with you is unequivical.
Sometimes it seems that it's not so grey anymore. Over half of my lifetime has past and in all honesty I can say for the first time that my life is worth living. My search is over. The meaning to my life has been found. What's odd is that this reason has a name, and I know that he loves me as deeply as I love him.
I have the perfect life.
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