Dear Ariana,
I miss you so much. What in hell happened? You met Merideth, spend one summer with her and I’m dropped like a hot pop-tart on a cold kitchen floor.
I hate Meri’s soul, sweetie. She took my best friend and best thing I had going for me. It wasn’t Alex, and everyone should know it isn’t Bryan. It was you. You were the thing I had going for me.
Are we still going to Toronto the summer before senior year? Just you and me girl…please.
I wish I could rewind time when it was just you and me. Fuck the others. I love you Rainy. You’re like my sister.
Dear Kendall,
I’m missing you too, and I hate admitting it. How do you think it feels to lose someone I thought I’d be close to for the rest of my life?
You knew how my mind worked. You knew what was missing and you tried your damndest to fill it.
You filled it too.
Mer-Mer-Care-Bear,
If only he didn’t exist huh? You know how it does. I lost three of my best friends overnight because of you.
You are the one who is killing me, sweetpea. The razor in my back pocket is all because of you.
You were one of the three I lost.
Bryan,
Sweetheart, with all due respect, you are an ass. If I never would have met you, I really think my life would be better. No black nail polish, tear stained face, or scarred arms.
Take me, leave me, fuck me, forget me. Do whatever, but I’m not your toy.
Dear Zavy,
Thanks. You always make me feel so unbearable beautiful outside and in, eve when I know I’m not and never will be. You may not understand me, but you try. That’s what really matters.
Thanks anyways. By the way…Colt…I’m falling for him fast.
Dear Katrina,
Faithful friend. Undying prep, but always faithful friend. You don’t really understand me either, but it’s cool. You listened and that’s why I love ya! You helped with Kendall, Stacy, Ariana, Princess Meri, him, Colt, blah, blah, blah. Thank you so much.
Colt-
I thought that after everything that happened in the last year, I never could imagine that I’d have feelings for anyone else. It happened. You’re a great guy. We arm wrestle, trade jokes, protect each other from Justin, talk, and even hug each other everyday.
You know about it, and if I could be with anyone, it’d be you. He won’t love me and it’s okay. I have you. It’s so cheesy. I want to ask you out, but I promised myself not to seek love, but it’ll find me, and that I’m afraid. I don’t want to be hurt.
You’re just like me. I wish you wanted a girlfriend. I want you.
And The God Himself,
You fucking rock my world. You, my love, have caused more trouble than your worth and I loved every minute of it. I’d make sense that I would stop following you. Nah. Trouble with you was too much fun to get into.
It’s stupid, but I wanna be your playmate. I wanna be the one who jokes with you, arm wrestles with you, and just be stupid together. I want to be your physical friend. The one who you can push around and vise versa. Do stupid shit.
I won’t forget the last kiss you gave me though. Long, and weakening. Your kisses always left me needing more. Damn, I hate you.
I know you never really wanted Andy, but I did. He’d be turning one this month. It’s my fault.
I’m on the road to falling out. And I’m getting there fast. Now if Merideth moved, it’d be so much easier….lol.
4.30.2003
4.29.2003
Interesting shit:
-If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
-If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
-The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
-A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes (Hot damn! I'll be a pig in my next life!)
-A cockroach will live for 9 days with it's head cut off, and only then will it die....of starvation. (Not over the pig yet.)
-Banging your head against the wall burns 150 calories an hour (Don't try at home. How about work or school?)
-The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
-The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
-Butterflies taste with their feet. (Good to know.)
-Strongest muscle in the body ISN'T THE HEART. T'is the tongue. (Hehehehe.)
-Some lions mate 50 times a day. (Damn the pig...)
-Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
-A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure this out.)
-An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (Like some one I know.)
-Starfish has no brains. (Know people like that too.)
-Polor bears are left handed. (If they switch, will they live longer?)
-Humans and dolphins are the only animals that have sex for pleasure. (Not the pig?)
Zavy kissed me again yesterday. It was on the head again, but I felt a little weak after this time. It could have been the way I was sitting.
My mood was through the roof. I was so hyper and happy. I even shoved around an underclassman. I was on cloud-fucking-nine. I got to lunch and ended up fighting the urge to cut my wrists. Ariana looked over to Princess Meri and said, "Hey Stephanie, shit, I mean Merideth. Sorry."
I was very hurt. It sounds so petty, and yet it hurt more than words can explain. I'm so stupid. I'm jealous.
I don't want to hate my life anymore. I don't want to cut my wrists or try to OD on Ibuprofen. I need help. Professional help. Taken some place where I have no access what-so-ever to anything sharp. Whenever I get upset and have no razor accessable, I go into the fucking bathroom and take apart a shaving razor. (I prefer my Dad's because they're sharper. My razors aren't since women's hair is finer than a mans, so they need sharper razors.)
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
My mom is destroyed I'm not going to Farewell Freshmen. Whenever she asks me why, my eyes tear and I 'remember' something I have to do in my room. (Normally, it's to remember I have to cry.)
"You don't need a date Steph! You can even just go with a friend if you think you need someone to go with!"
"No friends, and the one friend I'd think might even possibly go with me, won’t go. He doesn’t see me that way.” I said.
“I don’t understand you Stephanie! You’re obsessed! Let it go! It’s been a year!” She said to me.
“No one does!” I said blinking rapidly.
If someone asked me, I’ll go. But I know I won’t be asked. Now if Dennis were in 9th grade, I’d ask him…but he’s in 8th. I’m pitiful.
-If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
-If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
-The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
-A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes (Hot damn! I'll be a pig in my next life!)
-A cockroach will live for 9 days with it's head cut off, and only then will it die....of starvation. (Not over the pig yet.)
-Banging your head against the wall burns 150 calories an hour (Don't try at home. How about work or school?)
-The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
-The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
-Butterflies taste with their feet. (Good to know.)
-Strongest muscle in the body ISN'T THE HEART. T'is the tongue. (Hehehehe.)
-Some lions mate 50 times a day. (Damn the pig...)
-Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
-A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure this out.)
-An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (Like some one I know.)
-Starfish has no brains. (Know people like that too.)
-Polor bears are left handed. (If they switch, will they live longer?)
-Humans and dolphins are the only animals that have sex for pleasure. (Not the pig?)
Zavy kissed me again yesterday. It was on the head again, but I felt a little weak after this time. It could have been the way I was sitting.
My mood was through the roof. I was so hyper and happy. I even shoved around an underclassman. I was on cloud-fucking-nine. I got to lunch and ended up fighting the urge to cut my wrists. Ariana looked over to Princess Meri and said, "Hey Stephanie, shit, I mean Merideth. Sorry."
I was very hurt. It sounds so petty, and yet it hurt more than words can explain. I'm so stupid. I'm jealous.
I don't want to hate my life anymore. I don't want to cut my wrists or try to OD on Ibuprofen. I need help. Professional help. Taken some place where I have no access what-so-ever to anything sharp. Whenever I get upset and have no razor accessable, I go into the fucking bathroom and take apart a shaving razor. (I prefer my Dad's because they're sharper. My razors aren't since women's hair is finer than a mans, so they need sharper razors.)
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
My mom is destroyed I'm not going to Farewell Freshmen. Whenever she asks me why, my eyes tear and I 'remember' something I have to do in my room. (Normally, it's to remember I have to cry.)
"You don't need a date Steph! You can even just go with a friend if you think you need someone to go with!"
"No friends, and the one friend I'd think might even possibly go with me, won’t go. He doesn’t see me that way.” I said.
“I don’t understand you Stephanie! You’re obsessed! Let it go! It’s been a year!” She said to me.
“No one does!” I said blinking rapidly.
If someone asked me, I’ll go. But I know I won’t be asked. Now if Dennis were in 9th grade, I’d ask him…but he’s in 8th. I’m pitiful.
4.27.2003
I never thought I would be so disappointed when I was told that I am no longer on the cast that I had been practicing with. I became very upset when I realized I wouldn’t be with Chris, Zavy, Laney, or Dennis (never mentioned him before, but I think I like him….) Even though I have moved casts, I’m not even guaranteed a part yet. I can’t see why I’m stuck with the cast who doesn’t know any lines, gets yelled at one the minute every minute, and I know practically no one.
I contracted larengitus, and mom will make me go to school tomorrow. I hate this. This isn’t my life. God…at least I hope it isn’t.
Can you fall out of love? I think I did. Truthfully, I don’t think I’ve been in love with him for quite some time. I was bored. Worshipping him was something to do, and it took up a good deal of time. Dreaming, writing, thinking about him. Is it possible that I’m out of love? I don’t know. I really want to crawl back out onto the dating scene. I won’t allow myself to do it though. If I have a man in my life, I can’t have sex with him. I can’t devote myself like that. (Oh irony...)
I contracted larengitus, and mom will make me go to school tomorrow. I hate this. This isn’t my life. God…at least I hope it isn’t.
Can you fall out of love? I think I did. Truthfully, I don’t think I’ve been in love with him for quite some time. I was bored. Worshipping him was something to do, and it took up a good deal of time. Dreaming, writing, thinking about him. Is it possible that I’m out of love? I don’t know. I really want to crawl back out onto the dating scene. I won’t allow myself to do it though. If I have a man in my life, I can’t have sex with him. I can’t devote myself like that. (Oh irony...)
4.25.2003
Rejects of America. That’s what preps call those who have ‘the audacity’ to wear punky and almost out of style clothing. It’s conspiracy against the world’s youth.
I had an artist vision last night. There is a close up, black and white picture of a teenage girl with her hair down and spread out over the pillow. Her head is turned to the side, with her hand by her face, her nose even with the joint of her wrist. Everything around her is white. Her sheets, her pillow, her top, her blanket, everything is white. Her nails are black, and the only color in the photograph; are cuts on her wrists, which are red.
It’s hard to believe that as a young child, I hated other’s birthdays. They got all the presents, the party, the friends…and I could always be found in the corner, crying and no one would notice. Over the last year I’ve started liking them. I don’t know why…I guess it just developed. I even dislike my own birthday now, because I know no one will even call me anymore.
I hate being called a young lady.
Why are fake stories so much funnier than real, true-to-life stories? You’ll always get a shit load of laughs when a story isn’t true. Have you noticed? If two people told the same story and it happened to one person, the impersonator would get more laughs. I’m not making sense. That’s okay. Bottom line: Liars are supposedly funnier.
I’m so lonely right now. If Ariana wasn’t so hooked on Princess Meri, I’d call her up right now and she’d most likely come over and we’d set-up the camper and sleep out there, no matter how cold it is. I miss Ariana so wretchedly much. I miss Kendall. I miss Joz. I miss Caitlin, Katie, Liz, Bridgett, Sarah, Rachel, Kate, Rissa…. I miss them all. I miss…Merideth. I need them. I hate admitting it.
When everything around you,
Is a sheet of lies and secrets,
She’ll try to be the one who gives you strength,
The one who give you hope.
Keeping your sanity when you think that it’s gone,
And the one who’ll do it,
Is right in front of you,
Reciting her life.
I had an artist vision last night. There is a close up, black and white picture of a teenage girl with her hair down and spread out over the pillow. Her head is turned to the side, with her hand by her face, her nose even with the joint of her wrist. Everything around her is white. Her sheets, her pillow, her top, her blanket, everything is white. Her nails are black, and the only color in the photograph; are cuts on her wrists, which are red.
It’s hard to believe that as a young child, I hated other’s birthdays. They got all the presents, the party, the friends…and I could always be found in the corner, crying and no one would notice. Over the last year I’ve started liking them. I don’t know why…I guess it just developed. I even dislike my own birthday now, because I know no one will even call me anymore.
I hate being called a young lady.
Why are fake stories so much funnier than real, true-to-life stories? You’ll always get a shit load of laughs when a story isn’t true. Have you noticed? If two people told the same story and it happened to one person, the impersonator would get more laughs. I’m not making sense. That’s okay. Bottom line: Liars are supposedly funnier.
I’m so lonely right now. If Ariana wasn’t so hooked on Princess Meri, I’d call her up right now and she’d most likely come over and we’d set-up the camper and sleep out there, no matter how cold it is. I miss Ariana so wretchedly much. I miss Kendall. I miss Joz. I miss Caitlin, Katie, Liz, Bridgett, Sarah, Rachel, Kate, Rissa…. I miss them all. I miss…Merideth. I need them. I hate admitting it.
When everything around you,
Is a sheet of lies and secrets,
She’ll try to be the one who gives you strength,
The one who give you hope.
Keeping your sanity when you think that it’s gone,
And the one who’ll do it,
Is right in front of you,
Reciting her life.
4.23.2003
I wrote a poem. Last night in bed. I guess it's about me and him....
You can't understand me,
That's fine, no one does.
Why I put the blade up to my wrist,
To show you just because,
I'm not all that important,
I'm just wasting your time.
What in hell use is it to you,
What's on my goddamn mind?
"Why do you do it?" People ask,
I mean, it don't feel all that great.
But I bet you'd do the same thing,
So you'd control your fate.
"Of course I wouldn't!" You shout appauled,
"I'm not that fucking queer!"
I disagree, I'm sure you would,
If your lover wasn't near.
When I finished, I cut my wrists. I don't know why. It's just something I wanted to do, so I did it. I wasn't sad, I wasn't lonely, but bored.
He took my wallet today and I freaked out, because that's where I keep my razor. He looked in it and I went balistic.
"No! Don't!" I said frantically and grabbing it from him.
"I just wanted to see if there was money in there." He said.
I looked in there to try and find it, and lo and behold, it wasn't there. I searched my pockets and realized after today and doing yet another cutting in front of them (They still haven't noticed), I forgot to put it in my wallet. I put it back in and decided I didn't care anymore. I let him see it. He knew it was there....and he didn't take it away.
I told him not to, but God I wish he would have. I would have been immature about everything. Whenever I say I want something that's harmful to me, I really want the opposite. Like I wanted him to take away my razor. I want people to help me. I want him. I want him to help with this shit. Scars will fade over time, but my emotional scars feel like they're being branded onto my skin day after day to make sure they won't fade.
You can't understand me,
That's fine, no one does.
Why I put the blade up to my wrist,
To show you just because,
I'm not all that important,
I'm just wasting your time.
What in hell use is it to you,
What's on my goddamn mind?
"Why do you do it?" People ask,
I mean, it don't feel all that great.
But I bet you'd do the same thing,
So you'd control your fate.
"Of course I wouldn't!" You shout appauled,
"I'm not that fucking queer!"
I disagree, I'm sure you would,
If your lover wasn't near.
When I finished, I cut my wrists. I don't know why. It's just something I wanted to do, so I did it. I wasn't sad, I wasn't lonely, but bored.
He took my wallet today and I freaked out, because that's where I keep my razor. He looked in it and I went balistic.
"No! Don't!" I said frantically and grabbing it from him.
"I just wanted to see if there was money in there." He said.
I looked in there to try and find it, and lo and behold, it wasn't there. I searched my pockets and realized after today and doing yet another cutting in front of them (They still haven't noticed), I forgot to put it in my wallet. I put it back in and decided I didn't care anymore. I let him see it. He knew it was there....and he didn't take it away.
I told him not to, but God I wish he would have. I would have been immature about everything. Whenever I say I want something that's harmful to me, I really want the opposite. Like I wanted him to take away my razor. I want people to help me. I want him. I want him to help with this shit. Scars will fade over time, but my emotional scars feel like they're being branded onto my skin day after day to make sure they won't fade.
4.22.2003
You were in my dream last night. (And by you I mean him.) You were walking with Princess Meri, and I asked you why you weren't at lunch yesterday. Was it LD? (Lunch Detention)
"Nah. I was in the French room watching a movie,” you said.
"Was the movie in French?" I asked.
"Yeah," you said eyeing Princess Meri. "And it was really good too."
I woke up with tears on my face. I don't know why that dream hurt my feelings and I felt so hated afterwards. I was fiercely confused.
Little Sister’s picture is in my wallet. (I finally found my damned wallet! I haven’t been able to drive, get lunch, or buy anything. That’s where my license, ID card, and money are.) Every time I think of her, I feel the need to take my wallet out and look at her. She’s not a beautiful baby, but she’s my girl.
In Biology today, we dissected rats. I’m not someone who gets grossed out by shit easily, but I nearly puked. Ours was pregnant, and so was the one down the row from us. While ours had conceived about a week earlier, the other rat was nearly full term. The team down from us took the fetuses out of the uterus and we looked at them. You could definitely tell that it was little rat. I didn’t feel repulsed, I felt very sad that these babies died right along with the mother, when they were so close to life.
"Nah. I was in the French room watching a movie,” you said.
"Was the movie in French?" I asked.
"Yeah," you said eyeing Princess Meri. "And it was really good too."
I woke up with tears on my face. I don't know why that dream hurt my feelings and I felt so hated afterwards. I was fiercely confused.
Little Sister’s picture is in my wallet. (I finally found my damned wallet! I haven’t been able to drive, get lunch, or buy anything. That’s where my license, ID card, and money are.) Every time I think of her, I feel the need to take my wallet out and look at her. She’s not a beautiful baby, but she’s my girl.
In Biology today, we dissected rats. I’m not someone who gets grossed out by shit easily, but I nearly puked. Ours was pregnant, and so was the one down the row from us. While ours had conceived about a week earlier, the other rat was nearly full term. The team down from us took the fetuses out of the uterus and we looked at them. You could definitely tell that it was little rat. I didn’t feel repulsed, I felt very sad that these babies died right along with the mother, when they were so close to life.
4.21.2003
Irony. Him and Princess Meri aren’t here. There’s a big gap to my left.
Kendall is going out with a new guy. She said she wasn’t going to see anyone for a while, considering her life is so busy right now. Just an excuse. She’s in plain view right now and wrapped in another guys arms. Little bitch. Her and I are really drifting. I guess it hurts, since I can really trust no one else other than him. It’s not like I can talk to him about how obsessed I am with him.
I got this note off of Kendall’s desk. It’s from Stacy.
Kat,
Hey what’s up, girl? Haven’t had a chance to talk to ya much anymore so you’ll get lots of notes from me. (First lie. They aren’t seen without each other anymore.) I have no idea what’s going on with Stephanie. I think she’s in love with you. Don’t take it personally though. I’m not really sure what her problem is. (My problem is you!) She was okay on Saturday. (I was with people I love on Saturday. Imagine getting up for school and the best thing going for you is a love that will never love you back.) I am really, really, really bored. School sucks. My life sucks. (Don’t talk about your fucking life. You don’t even have a life to hate. Get one and maybe we’ll talk.) Everything sucks. (Spff…) Today was a good day though, compared to most. Did you get your math done? I didn’t. (Lemme guess, you’re too stupid to remember.) Well I better go. Don’t know what to say. C-ya later.
Love Pup.
I’m having a hard time focusing on this entry. Because Princess Meri and him are gone? Yes. It’s because I’m afraid of the near impossibility that they’re together at this moment. I’m so obsessed it’s disgusting.
At least my cuts don’t hurt anymore. His name has scabbed over, so it won’t break open as easily.
Am I alone on this goddamn plexy-glass cheap imitation of a planet? Not physically, but I’d love to share the same views with someone who doesn’t betray me. And to think, I thought it was Kendall. How stupid could I be?
"Damn if I thought you would change and my life wouldn't stay the same
I went, You don’t even care about me
you know, you don’t give a damn
And I’m running from my problems
I got my phony face painted on
And then I think of what you said to me
and then I think of what you did, to me"
Tara Manning
"The Wreckoning"
Kendall is going out with a new guy. She said she wasn’t going to see anyone for a while, considering her life is so busy right now. Just an excuse. She’s in plain view right now and wrapped in another guys arms. Little bitch. Her and I are really drifting. I guess it hurts, since I can really trust no one else other than him. It’s not like I can talk to him about how obsessed I am with him.
I got this note off of Kendall’s desk. It’s from Stacy.
Kat,
Hey what’s up, girl? Haven’t had a chance to talk to ya much anymore so you’ll get lots of notes from me. (First lie. They aren’t seen without each other anymore.) I have no idea what’s going on with Stephanie. I think she’s in love with you. Don’t take it personally though. I’m not really sure what her problem is. (My problem is you!) She was okay on Saturday. (I was with people I love on Saturday. Imagine getting up for school and the best thing going for you is a love that will never love you back.) I am really, really, really bored. School sucks. My life sucks. (Don’t talk about your fucking life. You don’t even have a life to hate. Get one and maybe we’ll talk.) Everything sucks. (Spff…) Today was a good day though, compared to most. Did you get your math done? I didn’t. (Lemme guess, you’re too stupid to remember.) Well I better go. Don’t know what to say. C-ya later.
Love Pup.
I’m having a hard time focusing on this entry. Because Princess Meri and him are gone? Yes. It’s because I’m afraid of the near impossibility that they’re together at this moment. I’m so obsessed it’s disgusting.
At least my cuts don’t hurt anymore. His name has scabbed over, so it won’t break open as easily.
Am I alone on this goddamn plexy-glass cheap imitation of a planet? Not physically, but I’d love to share the same views with someone who doesn’t betray me. And to think, I thought it was Kendall. How stupid could I be?
"Damn if I thought you would change and my life wouldn't stay the same
I went, You don’t even care about me
you know, you don’t give a damn
And I’m running from my problems
I got my phony face painted on
And then I think of what you said to me
and then I think of what you did, to me"
Tara Manning
"The Wreckoning"
4.20.2003
I hate weekends for a very distinct reason. They end.
I had a very hard time saying goodbye to little sister. She’s an interesting looking child. She’s certainly not the Gerber baby Max was at 4 months. Not to say that she’s ugly, because she’s not. I love her.
Ever seen Swimfan? I can relate. You know I'm talking to you. You shit. You fucking know you want me. Bitch.
Candy buttons are the best foods in the world. A good amount of sugar (which amounts to 100%), combined with having to almost work to get it off of the paper.
Jack shit to say. Ending it here.
I had a very hard time saying goodbye to little sister. She’s an interesting looking child. She’s certainly not the Gerber baby Max was at 4 months. Not to say that she’s ugly, because she’s not. I love her.
Ever seen Swimfan? I can relate. You know I'm talking to you. You shit. You fucking know you want me. Bitch.
Candy buttons are the best foods in the world. A good amount of sugar (which amounts to 100%), combined with having to almost work to get it off of the paper.
Jack shit to say. Ending it here.
4.19.2003
Do you have a problem with me? Well what a coincidence. I have a problem with you too.
A little boy is running around by the name of Max Arlo. He’s been running in and out of my room and smiling. He occasionally grabs the phone and takes it away with him, which isn’t exactly good. He could dial 911 and we’d be in some major trouble.
So tonight is the eve of a Christian holiday called Easter. When little boys and girls are asleep, a big rabbit poops out eggs with treats inside them all over yards and playgrounds, so that children can go on a hunt for these eggs the next morning. When children set out baskets, the big ‘Bunny’ fills them with a majority of 99% sugar content. (The Easter Bunny and Santa Claus must own stock together, because they always seem to have money for sweets and toys.)
Little girls get new dresses and little boys dress in their finest Easter wear (which is always just like last year, maybe just a size bigger). Girls wear ribbons, boys’ hair is tamed for once, and Mom and Dad intend to keep them dressed that way. Good luck.
In a last ditch attempt to coax me back onto the Christian side, they have instituted ‘Operation Easter Bunny’. This is where my parents fill my old basket up like they have for the past 13 years (I didn’t participated until I was 2) with candy, jewelry, maybe a CD or two. Mom always included a bucket of chalk. Every year, no matter how old, they would get me chalk. I expect this year to be the same.
How do I perceive this? Gifts. Gifts for no other reason than because it’s welcoming spring , the fact that we’re with family, we’re well, and none of us are dead…yet. In other words, gifts for nothing. My family is too perfect, so all of the above are always true.
I’d love to have a feuding mother and father. Maybe then I’d have a reason to hang out with him more often. Perhaps when mom and dad are tearing up the house at each other, I’d be typing this from his laptop. Knowing him, he’d be reading this over my shoulder, asking me questions every so often to understand my dry sense of humor. I'd love to ask him to be with me, but I can't. I'm too shy.
Do you remember when your parents told you that Santa Claus, the Toothfairy, and The Easter Bunny weren’t real? I was eight. Mom pulled me up on her lap, and said “I can’t lie anymore Stephie. Santa Claus doesn’t exist. Neither does the Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy. It was me and your father.” I was destroyed and I cried for a very long time. Since then, I never really knew whether or not to say thank you when ‘Santa’ brought me something.
I look at Max and he’s only a year and a half, but understands that Easter means presents. I wonder when he’ll know. Will he even care? My little boy. I love him so much, and I can’t begin to imagine him growing up. I’d love to have him stay at this innocent age forever. He can just now say enough, where he’s adorable and you know what he’s saying. I’d love to keep him in Neverland.
A little boy is running around by the name of Max Arlo. He’s been running in and out of my room and smiling. He occasionally grabs the phone and takes it away with him, which isn’t exactly good. He could dial 911 and we’d be in some major trouble.
So tonight is the eve of a Christian holiday called Easter. When little boys and girls are asleep, a big rabbit poops out eggs with treats inside them all over yards and playgrounds, so that children can go on a hunt for these eggs the next morning. When children set out baskets, the big ‘Bunny’ fills them with a majority of 99% sugar content. (The Easter Bunny and Santa Claus must own stock together, because they always seem to have money for sweets and toys.)
Little girls get new dresses and little boys dress in their finest Easter wear (which is always just like last year, maybe just a size bigger). Girls wear ribbons, boys’ hair is tamed for once, and Mom and Dad intend to keep them dressed that way. Good luck.
In a last ditch attempt to coax me back onto the Christian side, they have instituted ‘Operation Easter Bunny’. This is where my parents fill my old basket up like they have for the past 13 years (I didn’t participated until I was 2) with candy, jewelry, maybe a CD or two. Mom always included a bucket of chalk. Every year, no matter how old, they would get me chalk. I expect this year to be the same.
How do I perceive this? Gifts. Gifts for no other reason than because it’s welcoming spring , the fact that we’re with family, we’re well, and none of us are dead…yet. In other words, gifts for nothing. My family is too perfect, so all of the above are always true.
I’d love to have a feuding mother and father. Maybe then I’d have a reason to hang out with him more often. Perhaps when mom and dad are tearing up the house at each other, I’d be typing this from his laptop. Knowing him, he’d be reading this over my shoulder, asking me questions every so often to understand my dry sense of humor. I'd love to ask him to be with me, but I can't. I'm too shy.
Do you remember when your parents told you that Santa Claus, the Toothfairy, and The Easter Bunny weren’t real? I was eight. Mom pulled me up on her lap, and said “I can’t lie anymore Stephie. Santa Claus doesn’t exist. Neither does the Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy. It was me and your father.” I was destroyed and I cried for a very long time. Since then, I never really knew whether or not to say thank you when ‘Santa’ brought me something.
I look at Max and he’s only a year and a half, but understands that Easter means presents. I wonder when he’ll know. Will he even care? My little boy. I love him so much, and I can’t begin to imagine him growing up. I’d love to have him stay at this innocent age forever. He can just now say enough, where he’s adorable and you know what he’s saying. I’d love to keep him in Neverland.
4.17.2003
I’d kill to have friends that care enough to come and see me before classes begin in the morning, but I don’t, do I? All I have are scar, memories and fresh cuts that read him name. I did it last night. I’ve learned how to control my razor, and his name is small and artful. It’s cute. I did it last night, and it hurts more this morning than I could have imagined possible. My skin is dry everywhere on my body right now, including on my cuts. The skin is tight on it, and when I move my elbow, it tightens even more and separates the cuts and opens them. Sometimes they bleed.
Teresa, Kurt, Max, and Little Sister will be here today. I often wonder what will become of Max and Little Sister. They’re so young. What will my little cousins grow up to do? I pray that they aren’t like me. No one needs to cut themselves to gain attention. Luck has crossed their way though, the fact remains that they live far enough away that I won’t affect their behavior.
I guess my other cousins, Lauren and Hannah, must feel this way too. Lauren is 6, and Hannah just turned 5. I went to Hannah’s birthday party last weekend and I couldn’t even get close enough to my girls to hug them. It tore me up inside. Whenever I normally see them, they run toward me and hug me and start talking at the same time, trying to tell me stories.
I thought that this was normal. After all, all their best friends were there and they were doped up on sugar and pizza. When the babysitter arrived however, they stopped playing with friends and ran toward her, hugged her, and started talking at once. I hurt all over and didn’t talk. When I drove home, my eyes struggled not to cry.
Replacement conquers my life. Ariana and Princess Meri, Kendall and Stacy, now Lauren and Hannah with the babysitter. All within the last 6 months. What the fuck am I doing wrong? Next it’ll be…no! I won’t say it! If it happens, I’m pulling the gun on myself. I swear I will. I couldn’t live.
Teresa, Kurt, Max, and Little Sister will be here today. I often wonder what will become of Max and Little Sister. They’re so young. What will my little cousins grow up to do? I pray that they aren’t like me. No one needs to cut themselves to gain attention. Luck has crossed their way though, the fact remains that they live far enough away that I won’t affect their behavior.
I guess my other cousins, Lauren and Hannah, must feel this way too. Lauren is 6, and Hannah just turned 5. I went to Hannah’s birthday party last weekend and I couldn’t even get close enough to my girls to hug them. It tore me up inside. Whenever I normally see them, they run toward me and hug me and start talking at the same time, trying to tell me stories.
I thought that this was normal. After all, all their best friends were there and they were doped up on sugar and pizza. When the babysitter arrived however, they stopped playing with friends and ran toward her, hugged her, and started talking at once. I hurt all over and didn’t talk. When I drove home, my eyes struggled not to cry.
Replacement conquers my life. Ariana and Princess Meri, Kendall and Stacy, now Lauren and Hannah with the babysitter. All within the last 6 months. What the fuck am I doing wrong? Next it’ll be…no! I won’t say it! If it happens, I’m pulling the gun on myself. I swear I will. I couldn’t live.
4.16.2003
Today sucked. No need to reinterate what shit happened. Thank you.
Teresa, Kurt, Max, and Little Sister are coming up for Easter weekend. They’ll get here tomorrow. I guess I’m excited. I want Kurt to meet him, because it’s basically the only person I talk about with him. He said it was fine if I brought him over.
God damn, I want to be shot right now. Today really did suck…I don’t know what to do. I hate being pushed over, and being kept secrets from. Why in hell did I cut open my wrists in front of everyone, having deliberate movements and no one noticed. I’m screaming in the middle of a crowded and silent library and no one even notices. If suicide attempts are a cry for help, what is this? A constant screaming? A whimper? Maybe it’s not even anything. Maybe it just yearning for someone to love me and I’m god damn sick of being alone.
“Things will come and things will go,
But one thing I know for sure is,
You don’t give a damn about me.”
I have no idea where it’s from.
Teresa, Kurt, Max, and Little Sister are coming up for Easter weekend. They’ll get here tomorrow. I guess I’m excited. I want Kurt to meet him, because it’s basically the only person I talk about with him. He said it was fine if I brought him over.
God damn, I want to be shot right now. Today really did suck…I don’t know what to do. I hate being pushed over, and being kept secrets from. Why in hell did I cut open my wrists in front of everyone, having deliberate movements and no one noticed. I’m screaming in the middle of a crowded and silent library and no one even notices. If suicide attempts are a cry for help, what is this? A constant screaming? A whimper? Maybe it’s not even anything. Maybe it just yearning for someone to love me and I’m god damn sick of being alone.
“Things will come and things will go,
But one thing I know for sure is,
You don’t give a damn about me.”
I have no idea where it’s from.
4.15.2003
I was sent a teen-girl-giggle-hehe-I-totally-can’t-believe-they’ll-send-me-a free-makeup-bag-if-I-like-send-this-in-survey. I completed it, just for shits and grins. Ahh yes, I’m a little bit of an outcast.
Question 1: Would you wear the lastest fashion even if you didn’t like it? Yes, No, Other. I circled other and filled in Hell No.
Question 2:How long have you known your best friend? I circled 3 years. (Average is 1 year)
Question 3: Favorite Class? Science, English, Math, Geography, Other. I circled other and put in Band. I’m such a loser.
Yesterday at play practice…I was kissed. Zavy kissed me on my forehead. Unlike how I lie about shit like this, I really was kissed. First he kissed his hand that was on my forehead, then on top of my head, with no hand. This is good. I felt no surge of excitement or happiness (unlike with him, I’d feel my heart pound and I’d go weak in the knees).
Fall in love once again,
Set me free,
Let me go,
Be with me.
-Me
Question 1: Would you wear the lastest fashion even if you didn’t like it? Yes, No, Other. I circled other and filled in Hell No.
Question 2:How long have you known your best friend? I circled 3 years. (Average is 1 year)
Question 3: Favorite Class? Science, English, Math, Geography, Other. I circled other and put in Band. I’m such a loser.
Yesterday at play practice…I was kissed. Zavy kissed me on my forehead. Unlike how I lie about shit like this, I really was kissed. First he kissed his hand that was on my forehead, then on top of my head, with no hand. This is good. I felt no surge of excitement or happiness (unlike with him, I’d feel my heart pound and I’d go weak in the knees).
Fall in love once again,
Set me free,
Let me go,
Be with me.
-Me
4.14.2003
“A year ago, I had planned on being dead. I cut my wrists weekly. I prayed to god I wouldn't wake up in the morning. It got worse and worse when I did wake up. When I started work, I realized that life won't be perfect, even a nightmare, but I needed to plan and dying isn't that easy. I live for tomorrow. I don't know what will happen within the next month. Who knows what will happen.” A conversation. A conversation that actually took place with Zavy."My only hope is to marry him, and it won't work"
I trust Zavy too much. I’ve told him something that no one knows. My life’s biggest secret. And I told it to him, a preppy guy, who has many friends who detest me.
Why am I not dragging my ass out on the dating scene? I’ll tell ya. I still think for some odd and dipshit reason that he’ll come back. He won’t, but there is the sex. If I go out with some one, then I will not be able to do any sex act with him. I would die. I live for his touch. It’s so stupid. It’s the dumbest thing, I’ve ever said.
I kept my vow though. I said I would not ask anyone out, that love would find me. Either I’m extremely unattractive or the guys I know are very shy. It must be the first one.
I’d kill to have a repeat of the mall. The way he looked was amazing. He seemed like he was reliving a lifetime of stress within the first five minutes of what I considered heaven. I loved it, and have found that I will be DJing dances by myself within the next 9 months and will be allowed to have a partner. I’ll ask him, of course. A few minutes or half an hour won’t be noticeable. Sex is inevitable.
I trust Zavy too much. I’ve told him something that no one knows. My life’s biggest secret. And I told it to him, a preppy guy, who has many friends who detest me.
Why am I not dragging my ass out on the dating scene? I’ll tell ya. I still think for some odd and dipshit reason that he’ll come back. He won’t, but there is the sex. If I go out with some one, then I will not be able to do any sex act with him. I would die. I live for his touch. It’s so stupid. It’s the dumbest thing, I’ve ever said.
I kept my vow though. I said I would not ask anyone out, that love would find me. Either I’m extremely unattractive or the guys I know are very shy. It must be the first one.
I’d kill to have a repeat of the mall. The way he looked was amazing. He seemed like he was reliving a lifetime of stress within the first five minutes of what I considered heaven. I loved it, and have found that I will be DJing dances by myself within the next 9 months and will be allowed to have a partner. I’ll ask him, of course. A few minutes or half an hour won’t be noticeable. Sex is inevitable.
4.13.2003
Daddy’s little tomboy, that’s me alright. I had to DJ a dance tonight. The dance was a father/ daughter dance. I made 40 bucks. It was a very formal event. I thought it’d be fine to wear my corduroys pants (khaki in color), a black shirt, my hair in chop sticks, and his hemp necklace he gave me to wear for a while. I thought I’d be fine. When I got there, all the little girls were running around in dresses and men were in tuxes. I looked around and started laughing. Dad and I looked like shit compared to everyone.
My 8th grade Kendall was there and we did swing dancing. It was a lot of fun. Her name is Katie, and we didn’t quit dancing. It was a lot of fun. It’s hard to believe considering everything that happened between us.
Today at play practice I was exceptionally playful, and I played Charlie’s Angels. I jumped up on benches, pretending my hands were a gun. I was jumping up on one and the bench moved (I hate it when that happens). I fell down on it and banged up my shin like a bitch. The wind was basically knocked out of me. I have a bruise and a bump the size of a golf ball.
I’m going to marry Jimmy Fallon! He’s so goddamned funny.
I’m also going to marry him…. What in hell am I thinking? No I’m not. I’m such a fag. Get over it Jones! He doesn’t love you.
My 8th grade Kendall was there and we did swing dancing. It was a lot of fun. Her name is Katie, and we didn’t quit dancing. It was a lot of fun. It’s hard to believe considering everything that happened between us.
Today at play practice I was exceptionally playful, and I played Charlie’s Angels. I jumped up on benches, pretending my hands were a gun. I was jumping up on one and the bench moved (I hate it when that happens). I fell down on it and banged up my shin like a bitch. The wind was basically knocked out of me. I have a bruise and a bump the size of a golf ball.
I’m going to marry Jimmy Fallon! He’s so goddamned funny.
I’m also going to marry him…. What in hell am I thinking? No I’m not. I’m such a fag. Get over it Jones! He doesn’t love you.
4.11.2003
Six cuts. Four on my left wrist, two on my right. I did it at school. No one cared. I did it at the lunch table, in plain view so that he could see. No one noticed. I was destroyed. What did I want to happen? I wanted him to grab my wrist and tell me to knock the fuck off.
Have you ever seen 'Girl, Interrupted'? It's a good movie. A very good movie. A girl named Susanna has borderline personality disorder. I took a personality test, and here are my results:
Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: High
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: High
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High
The very high ones are primarily about having a hard time saying goodbye to things. Like I have a problem throwing out things for Christ sakes. My room is full of shit I really don't need, but I feel like I can't throw them out since I'll end up hurting it. I know, inanimate objects don't have feelings, but I feel that way.
Susanna is a lot like me. She writes continuously, avoids the easy way out of things, and has a little bit of trouble fitting in, but eventually can do it. She bruises her wrists to feel pain and is described as promiscuous.
I have play practice tomorrow from 11 to 2. Laney will be there. Laney actually went home with Chris today. (He got kicked off his bus.) I kept trying to talk and be active in the convo, but I was basically banned and was stuck talking to Chris' little sister, Katie. Laney and I seemed so close two days ago, then when I trying talking to him today, it didn't work and he basically blew me off. I feel so.... I don't know. Hurt I guess. I always feel hurt though. I hurt because Laney won't like me. I hurt because I'm now an outcast. I hurt because Princess Meri is the coveted one. I hurt because I can't have him and I can't grasp it.
I hurt because I cut my fucking wrists open in plain view of all human eyes and know one even looked over at me. No one gives a shit about me. There's nothing left to have. Why in hell am I still alive? Because I'm like Superman without the motivation and penis. I'm invincible, or so it seems.
Have you ever seen 'Girl, Interrupted'? It's a good movie. A very good movie. A girl named Susanna has borderline personality disorder. I took a personality test, and here are my results:
Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: High
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: High
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High
The very high ones are primarily about having a hard time saying goodbye to things. Like I have a problem throwing out things for Christ sakes. My room is full of shit I really don't need, but I feel like I can't throw them out since I'll end up hurting it. I know, inanimate objects don't have feelings, but I feel that way.
Susanna is a lot like me. She writes continuously, avoids the easy way out of things, and has a little bit of trouble fitting in, but eventually can do it. She bruises her wrists to feel pain and is described as promiscuous.
I have play practice tomorrow from 11 to 2. Laney will be there. Laney actually went home with Chris today. (He got kicked off his bus.) I kept trying to talk and be active in the convo, but I was basically banned and was stuck talking to Chris' little sister, Katie. Laney and I seemed so close two days ago, then when I trying talking to him today, it didn't work and he basically blew me off. I feel so.... I don't know. Hurt I guess. I always feel hurt though. I hurt because Laney won't like me. I hurt because I'm now an outcast. I hurt because Princess Meri is the coveted one. I hurt because I can't have him and I can't grasp it.
I hurt because I cut my fucking wrists open in plain view of all human eyes and know one even looked over at me. No one gives a shit about me. There's nothing left to have. Why in hell am I still alive? Because I'm like Superman without the motivation and penis. I'm invincible, or so it seems.
4.10.2003
I wrote this last night at 11:00
Hey sweetheart,
I don’t expect a response, because I don’t intend on sending this to you. You probably don’t know or care about this, I’m so so sick of crying myself to sleep at night, so tonight, I’ll try something a little different.
People think I’m crazy, Love. Following you around for the third year in a row as of today. When I saw you walk in that classroom, I never would have guessed that three years from that night, I would be writing this with tears running down my cheeks as they are now.
Three years ago today, your father was still alive, I met you, I started falling for you, and started separating myself from Blanchard. Two years ago today, we were at Eastern, playing baseball and going into the woods with Ariana. It’s was just the beginning of us. Do you remember how much fun we had together? We’d laugh for hours.
And then of course the dreaded one year ago. The last 9 days of out relationship were numbered, and I was too thick to see it. Damn Bryan. Damn me. I fucked it all up. I didn’t know how good I had it with you.
Now there is today. I’m worshipping you behind your back. I have a picture of us together at a dance by my bed. I look at it every night, smile, and fight a losing battle with tears.
Do you know how many times I thought I was going to marry you? You know how many times others thought I was going to marry you? A lot, Love, a lot. It was a classical cliché, two kids (though I always thought one…our Andy), nice house, good sex life, successful, yet stressful jobs. They all said the same thing. It’s like there was a conspiracy to entertain my wildest dreams. They most likely were of course….
It’s so lame to say it, but I can’t live my life without you. It hurts to see you and know the things I do. I’m not stupid sweetheart, I know what goes on. This isn’t a life anymore, it’s a drama to keep others entertained. It’s a sea of memories and things people said and it’s roaring in my ears.
I need you, Love. There’s no simple way to put it. I need you.
Hey sweetheart,
I don’t expect a response, because I don’t intend on sending this to you. You probably don’t know or care about this, I’m so so sick of crying myself to sleep at night, so tonight, I’ll try something a little different.
People think I’m crazy, Love. Following you around for the third year in a row as of today. When I saw you walk in that classroom, I never would have guessed that three years from that night, I would be writing this with tears running down my cheeks as they are now.
Three years ago today, your father was still alive, I met you, I started falling for you, and started separating myself from Blanchard. Two years ago today, we were at Eastern, playing baseball and going into the woods with Ariana. It’s was just the beginning of us. Do you remember how much fun we had together? We’d laugh for hours.
And then of course the dreaded one year ago. The last 9 days of out relationship were numbered, and I was too thick to see it. Damn Bryan. Damn me. I fucked it all up. I didn’t know how good I had it with you.
Now there is today. I’m worshipping you behind your back. I have a picture of us together at a dance by my bed. I look at it every night, smile, and fight a losing battle with tears.
Do you know how many times I thought I was going to marry you? You know how many times others thought I was going to marry you? A lot, Love, a lot. It was a classical cliché, two kids (though I always thought one…our Andy), nice house, good sex life, successful, yet stressful jobs. They all said the same thing. It’s like there was a conspiracy to entertain my wildest dreams. They most likely were of course….
It’s so lame to say it, but I can’t live my life without you. It hurts to see you and know the things I do. I’m not stupid sweetheart, I know what goes on. This isn’t a life anymore, it’s a drama to keep others entertained. It’s a sea of memories and things people said and it’s roaring in my ears.
I need you, Love. There’s no simple way to put it. I need you.
4.08.2003
I had only been in school for 15 minutes, when saw him, looking down at the ground, and walking toward me. (He always walks like that...just to let you know.) I tapped him with my flute. He said hey, and then all of a sudden, Princess Meri starts yelling things at him and smiling. I snapped.
“SHUT UP!” I screamed at the top of my lungs at her. The hallway went quiet, well, quieter than usual. People looked at me like I was something that should be chained to the wall. I was at the end of my short, goddamned ropes with her. I’m so tired of her! If she were the only person in the hallway, I really would have killed her. I’ve been going to his one website (compliments of him) that has ways to kill a person with your bare hands. It’s kind of depressing, because I’ve been put in some of those positions before.
Even after slitting my wrist last time, I didn’t get much attention from him. It was all Princess Meri. I got a “You shouldn’t do that’. No shit I shouldn’t do that. Somehow I think that I’ll get him back if he sees it. I know I never will be his significant other ever again, so why am I even trying? I’ve decided to ignore interaction with people as much as possible.
Today at lunch however, he kept making me laugh. Every time he’d look away, I’d start laughing, which I doubt he knew. My head was down, and I tried to sleep, but I was laughing so hard. Countless times, he got to eye level with me, and laid his head down. Princess Meri, as always, never did stop talking.
What am I doing wrong? I still want people to like me. Who doesn’t? I know I most likely fucked it up for good, considering last year and how depressed I was. I didn’t care if I had any friends anymore it seemed, so I was just rude. I’m different, and people can’t see past how I used to be. Nor can I blame them, because I’m exactly the same way. If someone treats me like shit, I hold it against them. (Except boyfriends and close guy friends in general. Boyfriends tend to hurt me the most, and yet, all of my boyfriends except one have become very close friends after it was over.)
I don’t want to go to Farewell Freshmen anymore. I was so excited about it for this year too. I was hoping that I could pluck up the courage to ask him to go with me, but there are three problems with this. I don’t have nearly enough courage, I don’t want to be rejected, and why in hell would I ask while I already know the answer to. I just don’t know how to break it to my mother. She’s so excited in making me look like a movie star. We actually made a conversation out of what I was going to wear to this soiree, what I was going to do my hair like, dates, and everything in between.
Oh dear god these can't be tears rolling down my cheeks....
“SHUT UP!” I screamed at the top of my lungs at her. The hallway went quiet, well, quieter than usual. People looked at me like I was something that should be chained to the wall. I was at the end of my short, goddamned ropes with her. I’m so tired of her! If she were the only person in the hallway, I really would have killed her. I’ve been going to his one website (compliments of him) that has ways to kill a person with your bare hands. It’s kind of depressing, because I’ve been put in some of those positions before.
Even after slitting my wrist last time, I didn’t get much attention from him. It was all Princess Meri. I got a “You shouldn’t do that’. No shit I shouldn’t do that. Somehow I think that I’ll get him back if he sees it. I know I never will be his significant other ever again, so why am I even trying? I’ve decided to ignore interaction with people as much as possible.
Today at lunch however, he kept making me laugh. Every time he’d look away, I’d start laughing, which I doubt he knew. My head was down, and I tried to sleep, but I was laughing so hard. Countless times, he got to eye level with me, and laid his head down. Princess Meri, as always, never did stop talking.
What am I doing wrong? I still want people to like me. Who doesn’t? I know I most likely fucked it up for good, considering last year and how depressed I was. I didn’t care if I had any friends anymore it seemed, so I was just rude. I’m different, and people can’t see past how I used to be. Nor can I blame them, because I’m exactly the same way. If someone treats me like shit, I hold it against them. (Except boyfriends and close guy friends in general. Boyfriends tend to hurt me the most, and yet, all of my boyfriends except one have become very close friends after it was over.)
I don’t want to go to Farewell Freshmen anymore. I was so excited about it for this year too. I was hoping that I could pluck up the courage to ask him to go with me, but there are three problems with this. I don’t have nearly enough courage, I don’t want to be rejected, and why in hell would I ask while I already know the answer to. I just don’t know how to break it to my mother. She’s so excited in making me look like a movie star. We actually made a conversation out of what I was going to wear to this soiree, what I was going to do my hair like, dates, and everything in between.
Oh dear god these can't be tears rolling down my cheeks....
4.07.2003
Play practice today was pretty fun. Today in general was fun. I felt so…sexy and cute for some reason. Don’t ask. I was Laney’s girlfriend today for rehearsal. I’m almost jealous of Courtney, the real Belle Star. She gets to play a fun part and be snide and get to be Laney’s girlfriend.
Center downstage is a wall instead of a door, which will hide 2 people. Laney and I were supposed to enter from behind the wall. People call the small space behind this wall, ‘the make out corner’. When Laney I were back there, we were looking at all the graffiti and adding a little of our own. Eventually we lost track of time, and where the other people were in the play. (Lines wise)
There was silence, that snapped even Laney and I out of our funk.
“How do you expect Alex and Stephanie to pay attention when you have them in the make out corner?” Shea, a very cocky yet hilarious bastard, said.
I blushed and we walked out and continued.
I was standing against a wall , when Zavie, Chris, and Laney each took turns trying to kind of freak me out and turn me on. They each went fast, and put they’re arms on either side of me, they stopped when they were maybe 2 inches away from every part on my body. Except Zavie however, whose face was 2 inches away, and everything else was touching. It was great, like a party. I hate to admit it, but I really was turned on.
Center downstage is a wall instead of a door, which will hide 2 people. Laney and I were supposed to enter from behind the wall. People call the small space behind this wall, ‘the make out corner’. When Laney I were back there, we were looking at all the graffiti and adding a little of our own. Eventually we lost track of time, and where the other people were in the play. (Lines wise)
There was silence, that snapped even Laney and I out of our funk.
“How do you expect Alex and Stephanie to pay attention when you have them in the make out corner?” Shea, a very cocky yet hilarious bastard, said.
I blushed and we walked out and continued.
I was standing against a wall , when Zavie, Chris, and Laney each took turns trying to kind of freak me out and turn me on. They each went fast, and put they’re arms on either side of me, they stopped when they were maybe 2 inches away from every part on my body. Except Zavie however, whose face was 2 inches away, and everything else was touching. It was great, like a party. I hate to admit it, but I really was turned on.
4.06.2003
Ever had a phobia? I found a complete list. Go here. My phobia's are kind of surprising I guess.
My phobias:
Acrophobia- Fear of heights
Aeroacrophobia- Fear of open high places
Anuptaphobia- Fear of staying single
Atelophobia- Fear of imperfection
Athazagoraphobia- Fear of being forgotten
AVIOPHOBIA- FEAR OF FLYING
Catagelophobia- Fear of being ridiculed
Claustrophobia- Fear of confined spaces
Dishabiliophobia- Fear of undressing in front of another
Eremophobia- Fear of lonliness
Gephyrophobia- Fear of crossing bridges
Ithyphallophobia- Fear of having an erect penis (That...would not be good.)
Kakorrhaphiophobia- Fear of failure
Pocrescophobia- Fear of gaining weight
Tropophobia- Fear of making drastic changes
Zelophobia- Fear of feeling jealous
And I hate to admit it...thanks to him, I now have Philophobia...the fear of falling in love. I want an apology! Wow...I'm pretty drowsy.....
My phobias:
Acrophobia- Fear of heights
Aeroacrophobia- Fear of open high places
Anuptaphobia- Fear of staying single
Atelophobia- Fear of imperfection
Athazagoraphobia- Fear of being forgotten
AVIOPHOBIA- FEAR OF FLYING
Catagelophobia- Fear of being ridiculed
Claustrophobia- Fear of confined spaces
Dishabiliophobia- Fear of undressing in front of another
Eremophobia- Fear of lonliness
Gephyrophobia- Fear of crossing bridges
Ithyphallophobia- Fear of having an erect penis (That...would not be good.)
Kakorrhaphiophobia- Fear of failure
Pocrescophobia- Fear of gaining weight
Tropophobia- Fear of making drastic changes
Zelophobia- Fear of feeling jealous
And I hate to admit it...thanks to him, I now have Philophobia...the fear of falling in love. I want an apology! Wow...I'm pretty drowsy.....
4.05.2003
I just got back from the grocery store. I had to drop off some vacation film. It was actually the grocery store that I worked at. David was there, a guy two years older than me that I was very infatuated with while I still worked there. (Until I saw and talked to Sue, his mom.)
He kept asking me to ride my moped, and I eventually gave in, and he ended up crashing it and ripping up his arm pretty badly. I was pretty upset. He still has the scar from what I saw.
I told David’s mom that I liked him, and didn’t realize before hand that it was his mom. (We’re pretty close, her and I.) I remember one time, I went to work on my day off, claiming that I wanted air conditioning just to see him and hang out with him. He found out I liked him, and we had a fight. We didn’t talk again.
…Well, until about two months ago. When I went today, I felt someone looking at me. I turned around and saw him, staring at me. I turned around and kept writing. He kept staring. I don’t get it. The only thing I can think of, is that I’m not nearly as preppy as I used to be. (What a difference 7 months ccan make.) Today I’m dressed in my black plaid pants and a trashed black sweatshirt that says: Trojan Football. (Yes folks, my school mascot is the fightin’ Trojan. Roar.) He’s on the football team.
I still don’t get it though. Today, I look like shit, which I must admit is better than average. Why did he keep staring at me? Did he recognize me and was trying to recall who I was? That seems more logical.
I haven’t talked to anyone but Kendall since I got back yesterday from my vacation. I don’t think anyone really knows/cares, but right now, I’d like someone to talk to. Kendall called me, despite the fact that she was grounded and her parents were screaming at her. She’s a real friend. A real friend who would be next to me when I was dying in the hospital, no matter what she had to do to get there. I don’t think anyone else would do such a thing. (He might, but after all the shit we’ve gone through, it really makes me wonder…) She’s going to watch me in the play on opening night…and it’s her birthday. She has better things to do, and yet she wants to see me.
Thanks Kendall, you’ve done so much for me.
He kept asking me to ride my moped, and I eventually gave in, and he ended up crashing it and ripping up his arm pretty badly. I was pretty upset. He still has the scar from what I saw.
I told David’s mom that I liked him, and didn’t realize before hand that it was his mom. (We’re pretty close, her and I.) I remember one time, I went to work on my day off, claiming that I wanted air conditioning just to see him and hang out with him. He found out I liked him, and we had a fight. We didn’t talk again.
…Well, until about two months ago. When I went today, I felt someone looking at me. I turned around and saw him, staring at me. I turned around and kept writing. He kept staring. I don’t get it. The only thing I can think of, is that I’m not nearly as preppy as I used to be. (What a difference 7 months ccan make.) Today I’m dressed in my black plaid pants and a trashed black sweatshirt that says: Trojan Football. (Yes folks, my school mascot is the fightin’ Trojan. Roar.) He’s on the football team.
I still don’t get it though. Today, I look like shit, which I must admit is better than average. Why did he keep staring at me? Did he recognize me and was trying to recall who I was? That seems more logical.
I haven’t talked to anyone but Kendall since I got back yesterday from my vacation. I don’t think anyone really knows/cares, but right now, I’d like someone to talk to. Kendall called me, despite the fact that she was grounded and her parents were screaming at her. She’s a real friend. A real friend who would be next to me when I was dying in the hospital, no matter what she had to do to get there. I don’t think anyone else would do such a thing. (He might, but after all the shit we’ve gone through, it really makes me wonder…) She’s going to watch me in the play on opening night…and it’s her birthday. She has better things to do, and yet she wants to see me.
Thanks Kendall, you’ve done so much for me.
4.04.2003
I've had my far share of songs stuck in my head in the past week. I don't know why this came up in my mind so suddenly.
When you are with me,
I’m free…I’m careless…I believe,
Above all the others we’ll fly,
This brings tears to my eyes.
My sacrifice.
We’ve seen our share of ups and downs,
Oh how quickly life can turn around in
an instant.
It feels so good to reunite,
Within yourself and within your mind,
Let’s find peace there.
"My Sacrifice" By: Creed
That was me and Bryan's song. I've been singing everything from Christina Aguilera (or however you spell her name) to Eminem to Led Zeppelin. I haven't heard that song since the summer, the last time I went on a date. We went roller-blading, him and I. I freaked out when I realized that I had to get to work, a mile away and five minutes to spare. I ran upstairs to the break room and punched in exactly on time. I took five minutes to catch my breath and get a soda.
I got on the internet to see if Bry would be there…but he’s not. I guess I came on to see if he was on too, but I’m all alone. I still have that nasty feeling in my stomach of lift-off in an airplane. Gag me. The inside of my teeth tingle as well, which is a sign of impending doom. Don't ask any more questions, for the answers can't be made.
When you are with me,
I’m free…I’m careless…I believe,
Above all the others we’ll fly,
This brings tears to my eyes.
My sacrifice.
We’ve seen our share of ups and downs,
Oh how quickly life can turn around in
an instant.
It feels so good to reunite,
Within yourself and within your mind,
Let’s find peace there.
"My Sacrifice" By: Creed
That was me and Bryan's song. I've been singing everything from Christina Aguilera (or however you spell her name) to Eminem to Led Zeppelin. I haven't heard that song since the summer, the last time I went on a date. We went roller-blading, him and I. I freaked out when I realized that I had to get to work, a mile away and five minutes to spare. I ran upstairs to the break room and punched in exactly on time. I took five minutes to catch my breath and get a soda.
I got on the internet to see if Bry would be there…but he’s not. I guess I came on to see if he was on too, but I’m all alone. I still have that nasty feeling in my stomach of lift-off in an airplane. Gag me. The inside of my teeth tingle as well, which is a sign of impending doom. Don't ask any more questions, for the answers can't be made.
Hello my readers. I'm home, and a day late at that. And late on other things as well. I was supposed to get my period four days ago, and I get it every month at the same time. I took a pregnancy test and...it came out positive. I had sex with a guy when I went to Key West. He sat next to me on the plane, and when I got to the hotel, I snuck out and we did it in the bushes.
Lies! All lies! (insert evil laughter here)
March 29, 2003
5:23-6:01 PM
Here I am in Chicago IL, waiting to catch my damned plane to Miami. When I look around, there are so many nationalities. I yearn to see a friend or someone my age to talk to. I’m feeling pretty lonely right now. Sure, I have m parents, but it’s not the same. I need another teenager.
Another hour I have to wait…. I can’t do it. I’ll go crazy before the damn plane gets here. You’d think that the U.S.A.’s busiest airport would have entertainment other than war news, but if you thought this; you’d be wrong. I’m sick of screaming children, and from the looks of things, I will be on my next flight with many, and oh irony, it’s the longest flight.
SHUT UP KID! I WILL KILL YOU IF YOU DON’T!
March 30, 2003
12:48-12:58 AM
I’m so freaking sick of putting up with all my parents’ shit. Right not I don’t care if I’m in Key West or home. Dad is making me miserable, and yet Mom is saying ‘Share a little compassion’. My compassion was left in Chicago, when Dad announced he was tired and was bitching over everything.
That’s right Michelle, smother the man in pity, despite the very fact that he’s screwing us over and you’re much too thick to see it. Get up off the floor Norm and go to bed! It’s your own damn fault you’re cranky.
Wouldn’t it be great if I were writing this entry from his bed/bedroom, stripped of everything but sheets, instead of being stuck here with whiny parents? I could have him wrap his arms around me and I would kiss him…nice and slow.
March 30, 2003
Around 8 pm
Listen guys, I don’t really want to chill with you. I want to do my own thing. I’m not like you guys. I’m young and energetic, and well, your middle-aged and closest to thrill you get is watching an Indiana Jones movie. I’m not like you. I don’t sleep at 8 fucking 30.
I’d love to try smoking right now. Am I going to? Hell no. I’d be letting him down, and I’d rather die than do. I fucking love him.
So it’s pretty windy out right now. I’d like to think that it’s blowing in a huge storm, that way it’ll be warm and sunny tomorrow instead of the anticipated 67 degrees and partly sunny. That’s pretty low if you consider where I am.
I want to rent a car and get my belly button pierced. I’m supposed to get it done. It’ll be a great momento of this trip. I just really hope they pierce scar tissue. If I had my way, my belly button, my tongue, eyebrow, clitoris, and left ear all the way up, would be pierced. It may be good that I don’t have my way, I’d most likely be a walking, talking health code violation.
April 1, 2003
3:50-4:15
I don’t get it. Last night at around midnight, I woke up and felt very sick. I still feel sick and I had to bolt for the bathroom more than once. I couldn’t even go with my parents to the beach I feel so sick.
I can’t focus. Later.
April 3, 2003
Around 6:30
Hey sweetheart,
I’m missing you so much right now, it’s not even funny. In Chicago we have thunderstorms, but in TC, where you are, it’s supposedly an ice rink! Looks like I won’t be home tonight, love. Imagine me on the floor of an airport and sleeping!
Ugh! THIS SUCKS! I’m writing to no one, and stuck in Chicago with thunder crashing and lightning flashing. I’m not going to sleep on the floor of O’Hare Airport!
More later. Just to let ya know….I was stuck in Chicago overnight.
Lies! All lies! (insert evil laughter here)
March 29, 2003
5:23-6:01 PM
Here I am in Chicago IL, waiting to catch my damned plane to Miami. When I look around, there are so many nationalities. I yearn to see a friend or someone my age to talk to. I’m feeling pretty lonely right now. Sure, I have m parents, but it’s not the same. I need another teenager.
Another hour I have to wait…. I can’t do it. I’ll go crazy before the damn plane gets here. You’d think that the U.S.A.’s busiest airport would have entertainment other than war news, but if you thought this; you’d be wrong. I’m sick of screaming children, and from the looks of things, I will be on my next flight with many, and oh irony, it’s the longest flight.
SHUT UP KID! I WILL KILL YOU IF YOU DON’T!
March 30, 2003
12:48-12:58 AM
I’m so freaking sick of putting up with all my parents’ shit. Right not I don’t care if I’m in Key West or home. Dad is making me miserable, and yet Mom is saying ‘Share a little compassion’. My compassion was left in Chicago, when Dad announced he was tired and was bitching over everything.
That’s right Michelle, smother the man in pity, despite the very fact that he’s screwing us over and you’re much too thick to see it. Get up off the floor Norm and go to bed! It’s your own damn fault you’re cranky.
Wouldn’t it be great if I were writing this entry from his bed/bedroom, stripped of everything but sheets, instead of being stuck here with whiny parents? I could have him wrap his arms around me and I would kiss him…nice and slow.
March 30, 2003
Around 8 pm
Listen guys, I don’t really want to chill with you. I want to do my own thing. I’m not like you guys. I’m young and energetic, and well, your middle-aged and closest to thrill you get is watching an Indiana Jones movie. I’m not like you. I don’t sleep at 8 fucking 30.
I’d love to try smoking right now. Am I going to? Hell no. I’d be letting him down, and I’d rather die than do. I fucking love him.
So it’s pretty windy out right now. I’d like to think that it’s blowing in a huge storm, that way it’ll be warm and sunny tomorrow instead of the anticipated 67 degrees and partly sunny. That’s pretty low if you consider where I am.
I want to rent a car and get my belly button pierced. I’m supposed to get it done. It’ll be a great momento of this trip. I just really hope they pierce scar tissue. If I had my way, my belly button, my tongue, eyebrow, clitoris, and left ear all the way up, would be pierced. It may be good that I don’t have my way, I’d most likely be a walking, talking health code violation.
April 1, 2003
3:50-4:15
I don’t get it. Last night at around midnight, I woke up and felt very sick. I still feel sick and I had to bolt for the bathroom more than once. I couldn’t even go with my parents to the beach I feel so sick.
I can’t focus. Later.
April 3, 2003
Around 6:30
Hey sweetheart,
I’m missing you so much right now, it’s not even funny. In Chicago we have thunderstorms, but in TC, where you are, it’s supposedly an ice rink! Looks like I won’t be home tonight, love. Imagine me on the floor of an airport and sleeping!
Ugh! THIS SUCKS! I’m writing to no one, and stuck in Chicago with thunder crashing and lightning flashing. I’m not going to sleep on the floor of O’Hare Airport!
More later. Just to let ya know….I was stuck in Chicago overnight.
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