You aren't sorry. You're never sorry. Never in your entire life...have you been sorry for anything. You just say it so you look god to others. Then, when no one is around you turn into that dirty son of a bitch I'm too familiar with.
You don't even know me. They don't know me. Mum doesn't know me. Daddy doesn't know me. No one in this entire god damned world knows me and who I truely am. So don't pretend that you do...because you don't...and no one ever will.
I'm passing in the hallway. No one notices me, naturally. People do brush my arms though, and my wrists especially. I wince. After what i did last night every scar on my arms hurt. They just twinge. His name and the thin snakes of scars I made so long ago.
And I need to do it again, even after slicing my wrists open last night.
No. No slicing. I've decided I need a bullet instead.
1.30.2003
I kind of wish he wouldn't come back from Arizona. I haven't fought with princess Meri, Ariana, or anyone else since he's been gone.
Here's an excerpt from me and Bryan's convo. I really think it's over. It was so sad. I got so upset.
bry_board_freak: The Bryan you went out with last year is gone, alright?! Only I am left. This is not the person you liked.
janey1890: If it isn't the person I loved, then why do I still?
bry_board_freak: You said yourself you coulnd't love a smoker.
janey1890: I said I couldn't date a smoker.
bry_board_freak: ...
janey1890: I can't control who I love.
bry_board_freak: Goodbye, forget about me.
janey1890: I CAN'T!
janey1890: Christ Bryan, can't I atleast be your FRIEND?!
janey1890: Please...LET ME BE YOUR FRIEND
bry_board_freak: Goodbye
Here's an excerpt from me and Bryan's convo. I really think it's over. It was so sad. I got so upset.
bry_board_freak: The Bryan you went out with last year is gone, alright?! Only I am left. This is not the person you liked.
janey1890: If it isn't the person I loved, then why do I still?
bry_board_freak: You said yourself you coulnd't love a smoker.
janey1890: I said I couldn't date a smoker.
bry_board_freak: ...
janey1890: I can't control who I love.
bry_board_freak: Goodbye, forget about me.
janey1890: I CAN'T!
janey1890: Christ Bryan, can't I atleast be your FRIEND?!
janey1890: Please...LET ME BE YOUR FRIEND
bry_board_freak: Goodbye
1.29.2003
I'm sick. I'm sneezing a lot, I'm all stuffed up, and my ears can't hear correctly. Oh screw it, I'm not in school, and that's okay.
I'm watching TLC's personal story. I want liposuction. I need to lose some weight. My doctor says that I'm overweight. I want to follow a diet, but my school doesn't really have diet foods. They have fruit salad, but they're in limited quantity and I'm normally the last person to get through. I need to learn to not eat when I'm not hungry or get a drink when I feel the need to eat. It'll work. I know it will.
Whatever. The world sucks right now. Screw it.
I'm watching TLC's personal story. I want liposuction. I need to lose some weight. My doctor says that I'm overweight. I want to follow a diet, but my school doesn't really have diet foods. They have fruit salad, but they're in limited quantity and I'm normally the last person to get through. I need to learn to not eat when I'm not hungry or get a drink when I feel the need to eat. It'll work. I know it will.
Whatever. The world sucks right now. Screw it.
1.28.2003
Spanish is getting difficult, even thought it's all review for me. It's stuff that I learned in the 8th grade. I suppose it emptied out over the summer. The bad new is that we have a test tomorrow. It's still nice to be out of Sra. Tamara's class, but Sra. Mahan's teaching style is so different from what I'm used to. It's not a different I can't cope with, but it's a different I'll have trouble adjusting with.
I met this person online and he's pretty cool. He's 28, and he knows that I'm a minor, but he still wants to take me out to dinner, talk to me on the phone, and so on. It's pretty scary. The scary thing is, that he lives in my city and I'm afraid he'll find out where I live and rape me or something. I've told him more about me than I should have.
I ordered my class ring. If you'd like to see it, then go here. It looks a good deal like Daddy's, only smaller and gold. Daddy gave me his to wear until I get mine. It isn't exactly like that one in the picture though. Mine says my name on it with a band logo and it's an opal stone instead of a birthstone.
I wonder if he'll get a ring. I hope so. He might have fun with it. I'd steal it and wouldn't give it back. Well, okay I would, but not until he begged for it. Guys who beg for something other than sex are very sad beings indeed.
I met this person online and he's pretty cool. He's 28, and he knows that I'm a minor, but he still wants to take me out to dinner, talk to me on the phone, and so on. It's pretty scary. The scary thing is, that he lives in my city and I'm afraid he'll find out where I live and rape me or something. I've told him more about me than I should have.
I ordered my class ring. If you'd like to see it, then go here. It looks a good deal like Daddy's, only smaller and gold. Daddy gave me his to wear until I get mine. It isn't exactly like that one in the picture though. Mine says my name on it with a band logo and it's an opal stone instead of a birthstone.
I wonder if he'll get a ring. I hope so. He might have fun with it. I'd steal it and wouldn't give it back. Well, okay I would, but not until he begged for it. Guys who beg for something other than sex are very sad beings indeed.
1.27.2003
It’s very cold here in Michigan. I can’t believe that our highs lately are in the single digits. I chose out of everything in my closet to wear a short sleeve shirt. Smart. Very smart. If he was there today, I would have stolen his sweatshirt so I wouldn’t be so freezing. Then of course he’d take it back after two minutes because he’s cold.
I had my first time in my new Spanish class. Sure, it was great to get out of that hell hole of Sra. Tamara’s class, but I felt so self conscious. People were looking at me like “What the hell is SHE doing here? She doesn’t belong here.”
Of course I don’t belong here. I don’t belong anywhere but for some apparent reason, I’m still alive. Oh don’t worry guys, I don’t like it any better than you do.
At lunch today, people went around saying out of all the guys sitting at the table, who they thought had the biggest dick in order. Somehow everyone thought he was biggest.
I wouldn’t doubt it in the least.
Then came who would they rather have sex with. Yet again, everyone picked him first. I felt an alarm going off in my head. I felt like I should be worried, but then realized that he isn’t my man anymore. I shouldn’t worry who he has sex with, even though I really want my first to be him.
Is there something they won’t tell me because I’m insane and would go on a shooting rampage if I found out that he was having sex without telling me? Maybe it’s just the fact that they don’t like me. Maybe it’s how I’m still in mourning. Maybe I should stop thinking.
I had my first time in my new Spanish class. Sure, it was great to get out of that hell hole of Sra. Tamara’s class, but I felt so self conscious. People were looking at me like “What the hell is SHE doing here? She doesn’t belong here.”
Of course I don’t belong here. I don’t belong anywhere but for some apparent reason, I’m still alive. Oh don’t worry guys, I don’t like it any better than you do.
At lunch today, people went around saying out of all the guys sitting at the table, who they thought had the biggest dick in order. Somehow everyone thought he was biggest.
I wouldn’t doubt it in the least.
Then came who would they rather have sex with. Yet again, everyone picked him first. I felt an alarm going off in my head. I felt like I should be worried, but then realized that he isn’t my man anymore. I shouldn’t worry who he has sex with, even though I really want my first to be him.
Is there something they won’t tell me because I’m insane and would go on a shooting rampage if I found out that he was having sex without telling me? Maybe it’s just the fact that they don’t like me. Maybe it’s how I’m still in mourning. Maybe I should stop thinking.
1.25.2003
Sometimes I really want to be a OB/GYN. I love kids, working with those under stress, and I share compassion. Sometimes the cases can be so tragic. I watch TLC's maternity ward a lot. There is one case where a 15 year old named Joanna Rodregis is pregnant after having unprotected sex. She isn't dialating. She and her boyfriend didn't think it could happen. They didn't want it to happen. They didn't plan it to happen. I can't believe they were so ignorant.
If my parents think they have a problem with me, atleast I'm not lying on a bed, legs spread apart and pushing.
If my parents think they have a problem with me, atleast I'm not lying on a bed, legs spread apart and pushing.
My belly button got infected. My mom told me to take it out. I said no. She forced me to take it out. I complained and followed through.
AS much as I hate to admit it, that was probably the smartest thing I could have done. It began draining puss yesterday. Green puss at that. I don't know if any of you know about infections, but green means it's very serious.
Stacy spent the night last night. Kendall was supposed to too, but her dad said no at the last moment. We watched Titanic for lack of anything else to watch. Very sad. I can't believe how close I was to crying. It was awkward though, when Rose was lying on the couch naked. Here were two 15 year girls watching a naked woman get her portrait painted. Very odd.
AS much as I hate to admit it, that was probably the smartest thing I could have done. It began draining puss yesterday. Green puss at that. I don't know if any of you know about infections, but green means it's very serious.
Stacy spent the night last night. Kendall was supposed to too, but her dad said no at the last moment. We watched Titanic for lack of anything else to watch. Very sad. I can't believe how close I was to crying. It was awkward though, when Rose was lying on the couch naked. Here were two 15 year girls watching a naked woman get her portrait painted. Very odd.
1.22.2003
I promised him that I wouldn’t cut myself and right now, I’m shaking like a leaf in hurricane force winds. I need it. It’s become a sick addiction.
I pierced my belly button on Monday night and my mom just found out. I got so embarresed that I ran out of the room crying. I wanted/want to die so badly it’s like I can hear the razor in the little pink box above my computer screen scream my name. I can’t take it. I need to slice myself.
‘But you can’t Steph.’ I can hear his calm voice that seems so sweet, and yet so panicked. ‘You promised me, love, that you wouldn’t do it. Don’t it love, don’t do it for me.’
Why does that boy always get the better of me? It’s like I do EVERYTHING he says. I’ve never done it for anyone else. Not even my parents (my belly button is proof of that).
I don't want to break my promise to him because it'll make him happy, but on the other hand, I do because I'll get attention from him, and he'll talk to me again. I mean one on one talk.
I pierced my belly button on Monday night and my mom just found out. I got so embarresed that I ran out of the room crying. I wanted/want to die so badly it’s like I can hear the razor in the little pink box above my computer screen scream my name. I can’t take it. I need to slice myself.
‘But you can’t Steph.’ I can hear his calm voice that seems so sweet, and yet so panicked. ‘You promised me, love, that you wouldn’t do it. Don’t it love, don’t do it for me.’
Why does that boy always get the better of me? It’s like I do EVERYTHING he says. I’ve never done it for anyone else. Not even my parents (my belly button is proof of that).
I don't want to break my promise to him because it'll make him happy, but on the other hand, I do because I'll get attention from him, and he'll talk to me again. I mean one on one talk.
1.17.2003
I haven't talked all day today. I'm not sure if it's a good sign or not. Usually, the day before I cut my wrists. I want to do it again. I won't lie about that. It's hard to believe but I'll cut my wrists so I could get into a therapy home. I really want to know what it's like. If I were there now, i still wouldn't be talking. I wouldn't talk to anyone. No one the whole time.
Shelby came up to me earlier and pulled my pigtails. I winced, but she didn't notice. She came next to me and asked me why I wasn't talking. I shrugged. Shrugging is the answer to all my problems when not talking. She 'tsk'ed and said "What? Suddenly you're too good to talk? You think your some kind of god or something?".
No Shelby, I'm just a crazy bitch.
When I was sitting at lunch today, I actually read instead of listening to the conversations. Whenever I looked up from my book, I halucinated. I could hear someone whispering in my ear. I could see him across the lunch room and he was looking at me and talking. I knew he was right beside be, but I didn't want to see two of the same person. His mouth matched the words being whispered into my ear. I shivered. It was such an odd feeling. I got back to reading my book though, and it went away.
On more than one occasion, it felt like the room was floating, and I looked at everyone's face to see if they noticed. They didn't. On another occasion, the lights flashed, and the room went black. But it was split second, and I wasn't blinking.
I feel trapped inside my own head. That's not bad, because no one can hurt me inside my head. But it is bad because I'll end up hurting myself.
Shelby came up to me earlier and pulled my pigtails. I winced, but she didn't notice. She came next to me and asked me why I wasn't talking. I shrugged. Shrugging is the answer to all my problems when not talking. She 'tsk'ed and said "What? Suddenly you're too good to talk? You think your some kind of god or something?".
No Shelby, I'm just a crazy bitch.
When I was sitting at lunch today, I actually read instead of listening to the conversations. Whenever I looked up from my book, I halucinated. I could hear someone whispering in my ear. I could see him across the lunch room and he was looking at me and talking. I knew he was right beside be, but I didn't want to see two of the same person. His mouth matched the words being whispered into my ear. I shivered. It was such an odd feeling. I got back to reading my book though, and it went away.
On more than one occasion, it felt like the room was floating, and I looked at everyone's face to see if they noticed. They didn't. On another occasion, the lights flashed, and the room went black. But it was split second, and I wasn't blinking.
I feel trapped inside my own head. That's not bad, because no one can hurt me inside my head. But it is bad because I'll end up hurting myself.
1.16.2003
I went to see Bryan today. Well, more like when I got off the bus, he was walking toward me. He's grown so much. Here's this 10th grader, no coat, hair perfect, talking about him skipping class to see me. My knees went weak and I felt like I didn't deserve to be standing in the presence of him. I just stood there in my dumpy, purple, marshmellow jacket. I felt like a stupid little five year old that lost her mother. I felt so little....
Last night, he lied to me about the whole 'I lost my virginity' thing. He said he wanted me to pass a test. Apparently I passed. After he told me and i went to bed, I realized that I couldn't be in love with him. It just wasn't right or true.
Last night, he lied to me about the whole 'I lost my virginity' thing. He said he wanted me to pass a test. Apparently I passed. After he told me and i went to bed, I realized that I couldn't be in love with him. It just wasn't right or true.
1.15.2003
I hate my life. I'm so miserable. Lately, I've been thinking about my ex, Bryan. I have feelings for him again. I always have, but I didn't want to because of him. Now I really wish I would have stayed with him. I was getting on Yahoo so I could talk to him and ask for a second chance. He sent me this:
'Jeremy and I went to see the Two Towers. It was pretty good. We enjoyed it. He and Cassie are still going out. Cassie and I aren't getting along. Oh well, we never did, really. It's funny, I look at my friend's list and I don't remember half the people on it. Old chat room buddies or people I met in Minisota and Texas. I haven't talked to Rachel in a while. We don't get along well anymore either. I started smoking again. I'm hooked. I've given up trying to quit. When I do it only lasts a few weeks then I'm puffing behind the school again. Time has really flown by. I can't believe the year is almost over. It's kinda scary. Two more years and I'll graduate. I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to it or not. I know what I'm going to study to be in college. A language arts teacher.
I'll continue to read your journal. Just to see how you're doing. I'm really sorry about everything and I hope things get better for you. I'm done, finished. I feel as if I'm sufficating, Steph... I hate everything right now. I have nobody left, nobody I can talk to or reach out to. I lost my virginity on friday. I always wanted it to be you, but you can only wait so long right? Besides, I know how much you want your first to be him. Oh well, sex isn't all it is worked up to be anyways. At least I don't think so. Lober wants me to join track in the spring. I most likely won't. I don't have the heart or ambition for sports this year. Come to think of it I never did. My hair's longer. It's three times as long as Sarah's. I like it, cause I can head-bang again.
I just finished reading the rest of your online journal. I just wanted to say goodbye. It's funny, when you have a million things to say and you get ready to talk and you've got nothing. Nothing to say at all. I'll miss you. Goodbye.'
I'm gonna throw up. I can't stand it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna fucking die. Just when I'm ready to pick myself up from the dirt, and I'm ready to live my life and maybe even let myself love someone, something like this happens.
'Jeremy and I went to see the Two Towers. It was pretty good. We enjoyed it. He and Cassie are still going out. Cassie and I aren't getting along. Oh well, we never did, really. It's funny, I look at my friend's list and I don't remember half the people on it. Old chat room buddies or people I met in Minisota and Texas. I haven't talked to Rachel in a while. We don't get along well anymore either. I started smoking again. I'm hooked. I've given up trying to quit. When I do it only lasts a few weeks then I'm puffing behind the school again. Time has really flown by. I can't believe the year is almost over. It's kinda scary. Two more years and I'll graduate. I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to it or not. I know what I'm going to study to be in college. A language arts teacher.
I'll continue to read your journal. Just to see how you're doing. I'm really sorry about everything and I hope things get better for you. I'm done, finished. I feel as if I'm sufficating, Steph... I hate everything right now. I have nobody left, nobody I can talk to or reach out to. I lost my virginity on friday. I always wanted it to be you, but you can only wait so long right? Besides, I know how much you want your first to be him. Oh well, sex isn't all it is worked up to be anyways. At least I don't think so. Lober wants me to join track in the spring. I most likely won't. I don't have the heart or ambition for sports this year. Come to think of it I never did. My hair's longer. It's three times as long as Sarah's. I like it, cause I can head-bang again.
I just finished reading the rest of your online journal. I just wanted to say goodbye. It's funny, when you have a million things to say and you get ready to talk and you've got nothing. Nothing to say at all. I'll miss you. Goodbye.'
I'm gonna throw up. I can't stand it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna fucking die. Just when I'm ready to pick myself up from the dirt, and I'm ready to live my life and maybe even let myself love someone, something like this happens.
You know how I said that Kendall came back? It's still really great. I've never been so happy to have someone back. (okay, maybe once...) But after a month of not talking to each other, it feels likes I'm not her best friend anymore. Sure, she's my best friend and everything, but it feels like she has better people to be around than yours truely. I know it's childish, talking about how jealous I am about me not being her best friend. Stupid stupid stupid!!!
The longer she's around me though, the more attracted I get again. It's disgusting. I hate myself. It's only when I'm around her though. It's not when I'm at home or even thinking about her.
I don't want to be in love with him anymore. How can I stop?? I need to stop loving him. I hate it.
I'll listen to him though. I won't cut myself if he doesn't want me to. I owe it to him....
The longer she's around me though, the more attracted I get again. It's disgusting. I hate myself. It's only when I'm around her though. It's not when I'm at home or even thinking about her.
I don't want to be in love with him anymore. How can I stop?? I need to stop loving him. I hate it.
I'll listen to him though. I won't cut myself if he doesn't want me to. I owe it to him....
1.13.2003
Kendall is back. Just before lunch today, I'm putting my Algebra into my locker and getting my Biology (I always drop off my books in my biology before I go to lunch.) junk when I realize that some is leaning on the locker to the right of mine. I look up and see her in her black shirt and jeans.
I freaked and she seemed very happy to be back. We begin to catch up on everything. Lacey's pregnancy (the first girl to get pregnant this year), the swing dance, birthdays, and anything else we could think of. Suddenly she brings up her sister.
She was raped over the holidays.
However,even with Kendall coming back, I still thought about him, and I've brought myself to a decision. I've given up. I know he'll never love me again, so why not just give up? It causes less pain on my part (Or so I think. The more I dwell on it, the less true it's become.), and way less annoyance for him.
You hear that you selfish bastard?! I've given up on you! I don't want to be a part of your life! Are you happy?! I hope so, because I DID IT ALL FOR YOU.
I freaked and she seemed very happy to be back. We begin to catch up on everything. Lacey's pregnancy (the first girl to get pregnant this year), the swing dance, birthdays, and anything else we could think of. Suddenly she brings up her sister.
She was raped over the holidays.
However,even with Kendall coming back, I still thought about him, and I've brought myself to a decision. I've given up. I know he'll never love me again, so why not just give up? It causes less pain on my part (Or so I think. The more I dwell on it, the less true it's become.), and way less annoyance for him.
You hear that you selfish bastard?! I've given up on you! I don't want to be a part of your life! Are you happy?! I hope so, because I DID IT ALL FOR YOU.
1.12.2003
Hm, it's a cold in here. Mom probably turned down the heat to 50 degrees so that she can sleep. Absolute crap. I need sleep too.
I guess I could always stay up and watch SNL. Not exactly my first choice, but my first choice isn't entirely possible.
Ever gotten a present that you absolutely hate? Like you hated it so much that you wanted to look at the person you got it from and ask them how they could have been so stupid? I'm interested in this...really I am. If you have an answer then e-mail me at PanChan1513@aol.com. I've gotten clothing that I didn't like, but didn't hate. Like this Christmas for example. I got a denim jacket with frayed seams all over. It's not really my style.
My mum got red suede boots this Christmas from her mum. She liked them a lot, but dyed them brown because she 'couldn't wear them in public'. When she went out to lunch with her today, Nana kept staring at her boots, but wouldn't say anything. I felt bad. Like it was my fault my mum didn't want to wear them in public.
He isn't on MSN or AOL. That's pretty wierd. We always meet each other this time of night (Or morning. Whichever you prefer.). Whatever. I'll go write my story. (Oh please don't think of me as egotistical) My fans are yelling at me for not updating fast enough.
One last thought. I've been acused of vugarity, and that is bullshit.
I guess I could always stay up and watch SNL. Not exactly my first choice, but my first choice isn't entirely possible.
Ever gotten a present that you absolutely hate? Like you hated it so much that you wanted to look at the person you got it from and ask them how they could have been so stupid? I'm interested in this...really I am. If you have an answer then e-mail me at PanChan1513@aol.com. I've gotten clothing that I didn't like, but didn't hate. Like this Christmas for example. I got a denim jacket with frayed seams all over. It's not really my style.
My mum got red suede boots this Christmas from her mum. She liked them a lot, but dyed them brown because she 'couldn't wear them in public'. When she went out to lunch with her today, Nana kept staring at her boots, but wouldn't say anything. I felt bad. Like it was my fault my mum didn't want to wear them in public.
He isn't on MSN or AOL. That's pretty wierd. We always meet each other this time of night (Or morning. Whichever you prefer.). Whatever. I'll go write my story. (Oh please don't think of me as egotistical) My fans are yelling at me for not updating fast enough.
One last thought. I've been acused of vugarity, and that is bullshit.
1.10.2003
It's his birthday. Whoo hoo. There was basically a school dance and it was 1940's themed. I wore a suit instead of one of those stupid dresses. Sure it was fun, but in a way, I really wish that I would have been sick. I mean, I felt to weird and out of place. I was dancing with Darryl ( an ex's brother and [believe it or not] friend.) and he went up to Him and asked him to dance with me. Where did it come from? Yeah, he knows I like him, but did he read my mind or something?? I never said anything!
It's kinda of embarresing that I want sex. I was sitting on the bus with Darryl and he took my tie off and started playing with it. when he was done, he put it down my shirt and into my bra, and letting his fingers 'slip'. It was nerve racking because I knew people were staring, but I didn't care. He didn't care. I can tell he didn't care because he did it over and over again. Maybe 10 times in all.
I'm confused and unhappy. I want it to happen again. Is that normal?
It's kinda of embarresing that I want sex. I was sitting on the bus with Darryl and he took my tie off and started playing with it. when he was done, he put it down my shirt and into my bra, and letting his fingers 'slip'. It was nerve racking because I knew people were staring, but I didn't care. He didn't care. I can tell he didn't care because he did it over and over again. Maybe 10 times in all.
I'm confused and unhappy. I want it to happen again. Is that normal?
1.09.2003
I've been wearing a mask all day. Outside I look so happy, but the inside feels like writhing snakes and I feel like I should just die. I cried on my bus. I cried on my way home from the bus stop. I cried when I got home. I've been crying for the past hour now. I want to die.
Kendall isn't there. She never again will be. I lost my best friend. I lost my security.
I wrote in school today and I meant to put it on here, so here we go.
'I'm in the principal's office. I know I'm not in trouble, but I can't help but to be nervous. Maybe it's the 'important' business hum of the copier, or maybe even the smell. Have you noticed how every school office has a smell?
I think the most likely reason that I'm nervous is because of my fear of authority. A pat on the head is pretty much a reward. I was trained well I suppose. Mummy and Daddy should be proud.
My seat is warm, a sure sign I've been here for a while. I keep thinking about him. I get even more nervous. My stomach is queasy. I love him....don't I?'
I know this is getting pretty long, but I need someone/something to talk to. He's talking to me right now. Telling me not to do it. Telling me not to cut myself. He says that he's gotten 'many requests' to talk to me about it. People have seen the scars and the new cuts I guess. I ask him who and he changes the subject. He's so full of shit. No one really cares.
He'll never fucking love me so therefore, there isn't a reason to live. I know it sounds stupid, but it's true. He's my only hope. Kendall is gone, he's gone, I'm gone. Later.
Kendall isn't there. She never again will be. I lost my best friend. I lost my security.
I wrote in school today and I meant to put it on here, so here we go.
'I'm in the principal's office. I know I'm not in trouble, but I can't help but to be nervous. Maybe it's the 'important' business hum of the copier, or maybe even the smell. Have you noticed how every school office has a smell?
I think the most likely reason that I'm nervous is because of my fear of authority. A pat on the head is pretty much a reward. I was trained well I suppose. Mummy and Daddy should be proud.
My seat is warm, a sure sign I've been here for a while. I keep thinking about him. I get even more nervous. My stomach is queasy. I love him....don't I?'
I know this is getting pretty long, but I need someone/something to talk to. He's talking to me right now. Telling me not to do it. Telling me not to cut myself. He says that he's gotten 'many requests' to talk to me about it. People have seen the scars and the new cuts I guess. I ask him who and he changes the subject. He's so full of shit. No one really cares.
He'll never fucking love me so therefore, there isn't a reason to live. I know it sounds stupid, but it's true. He's my only hope. Kendall is gone, he's gone, I'm gone. Later.
1.08.2003
Today was a two year anniversery. Two years ago, me and him started going out...or it would be. I made a poem actually, and it felt nice.
'...I wish I'd treated you better then,
happy two what could have been.'
I guess there really isn't anything to say except for in swing lessons, I was flipped and it was perfect. Landed perfectly and got back to dancing perfectly. It was pretty cool. Perfection is a rare thing in my life. It's nice to feel.
'...I wish I'd treated you better then,
happy two what could have been.'
I guess there really isn't anything to say except for in swing lessons, I was flipped and it was perfect. Landed perfectly and got back to dancing perfectly. It was pretty cool. Perfection is a rare thing in my life. It's nice to feel.
1.06.2003
Have a happy little story for you. He brings a soda everyday to lunch and to spite me, crushes it because I say '10 cents' everytime he does it. So today his hair is green (So awesome. He looked cooler than I've ever seen.)and he seems kind of hyper. Pretty cool. So he smacks his hand down and the can goes flying in between Shelby (A girl who sits next to me at lunch. I guess she's a friend.) and my head. The principal saw this and escorted him over and he ended up in the office. I realized he left his lunch box there, so I wrote him a note that said 'Thought you might need this... -Steph'. I dropped I off in the main office where he was sitting. The main office though, that means he's in deep shit. I wonder what happened. I don't really want to call him or anything.
I noticed last night that my scars on my arm that say his name are faded. Really faded. Faded to the point where I couldn't ever tell that there was anything that had happened there. I guess it made me kind of disappointed...because I did it again. I don't know why. It wasn't for pain, it wasn't because I wasn't upset, but just because I wanted to. That's all.
Kendall is gone. I found out today that she was gone because she said if she wasn't at school today, she was gone for good. She wasnt there. But she said she was sure she was going to stay until semester! Semester is January 26th! That's so depressing. I lost my best friend and I never got to say goodbye.
I noticed last night that my scars on my arm that say his name are faded. Really faded. Faded to the point where I couldn't ever tell that there was anything that had happened there. I guess it made me kind of disappointed...because I did it again. I don't know why. It wasn't for pain, it wasn't because I wasn't upset, but just because I wanted to. That's all.
Kendall is gone. I found out today that she was gone because she said if she wasn't at school today, she was gone for good. She wasnt there. But she said she was sure she was going to stay until semester! Semester is January 26th! That's so depressing. I lost my best friend and I never got to say goodbye.
1.05.2003
I feel sick. The sick that you feel when you're going to go down a roller coaster and you're nervous beyond all belief. I'm nervous, and I have no idea why. I feel like something is wrong. Like there may be something wrong with my friends. The last time I felt this way, my mom was rushed into the hospital. Christ, I don't know what in hell I'd do if something went wrong with my friends. I'm afraid that if it were anyone, it'd be Kendall.
I haven't talked to her for almost 3 weeks now. She's not at school (and she couldn't be avoiding me because we have classes together), she's not home, and when I leave messages at her house, she won't return them. She always returns her phone calls.
It's possible I feel left out and I'm just getting sick from that. It sounds likely. Envy makes me sick to me stomach. Like when little miss Meri told me he liked her. I was throwing up every half hour for days. I'll leave you with that morbid little thought.
I haven't talked to her for almost 3 weeks now. She's not at school (and she couldn't be avoiding me because we have classes together), she's not home, and when I leave messages at her house, she won't return them. She always returns her phone calls.
It's possible I feel left out and I'm just getting sick from that. It sounds likely. Envy makes me sick to me stomach. Like when little miss Meri told me he liked her. I was throwing up every half hour for days. I'll leave you with that morbid little thought.
1.04.2003
Merry Saturday. The only thing I like about Saturdays is how there isn't any school. I have to read a 106 page book in the next 24 hours though. I can't find the energy to do that though. I hate assignments. I read a lot, but something like that???
Him and I talked really late again last night. We act like we used to at times. we were joking and laughing and everything was funny. It was great. I didn't feel nervous or upset at all. It was really cool...like my soul was set free.
Him and I talked really late again last night. We act like we used to at times. we were joking and laughing and everything was funny. It was great. I didn't feel nervous or upset at all. It was really cool...like my soul was set free.
1.03.2003
I learned earlier that he is going to the mall with little miss Merideth. What am I supposed to do? I can't stand back and watch!
I love him! I don't care who knows! I'm so sick of hiding it! I wish that I could run up to him like I used to! I wish that I could be hiding my tears, but he could see through me and hug me. Only then the tears would flow. I wish he'd love me! I want to be happy again! I'm so fucking tired of hating my life! I can't believe how I resort to slicing open my wrists because I love him.
I love him... and I know he'll never love me back.
I love him! I don't care who knows! I'm so sick of hiding it! I wish that I could run up to him like I used to! I wish that I could be hiding my tears, but he could see through me and hug me. Only then the tears would flow. I wish he'd love me! I want to be happy again! I'm so fucking tired of hating my life! I can't believe how I resort to slicing open my wrists because I love him.
I love him... and I know he'll never love me back.
He got me a really cool movie called Princess Mononoke. I watched it and it's really sweet. For all of you who don't know about it, here's a sum up:
A guy named Ashitaka get's a disease while fighting a possesed animal. He is told he will die soon, and he must leave the village he belongs to. While walking through and enchanted forest, he sees a woman who is living with wolves. This woman is named Princess Mononoke. Ashitaka thinks she is beautiful and falls in love with her. A wild bore becomes possesed and while fighting the bore together, she gets the same disease as Ashitaka has. But as soon as the fight is over, they both become well and decide they will love each other, but cannot be together because of their backgrounds and go their seperate ways.
It's very nice. I like it a lot. It's kind of bittersweet in that way.
I got teased on the bus....by a freaking 7th grader. I'm so embarresed by it. I put my hair in a ponytail and put it into a knot with chopsticks. I was redoing it and the girl said: "That looks really bad."
I turned around and said: "That's interesting. Now let me tell you something. To me you mean nothing." She starting laughing.
Why didn't I say something better? I mean, on the walk home from my stop, I thought of really good ones. I don't know why I can't remember these when this happens to me.
A guy named Ashitaka get's a disease while fighting a possesed animal. He is told he will die soon, and he must leave the village he belongs to. While walking through and enchanted forest, he sees a woman who is living with wolves. This woman is named Princess Mononoke. Ashitaka thinks she is beautiful and falls in love with her. A wild bore becomes possesed and while fighting the bore together, she gets the same disease as Ashitaka has. But as soon as the fight is over, they both become well and decide they will love each other, but cannot be together because of their backgrounds and go their seperate ways.
It's very nice. I like it a lot. It's kind of bittersweet in that way.
I got teased on the bus....by a freaking 7th grader. I'm so embarresed by it. I put my hair in a ponytail and put it into a knot with chopsticks. I was redoing it and the girl said: "That looks really bad."
I turned around and said: "That's interesting. Now let me tell you something. To me you mean nothing." She starting laughing.
Why didn't I say something better? I mean, on the walk home from my stop, I thought of really good ones. I don't know why I can't remember these when this happens to me.
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