When I woke up this morning, I was immediately served lunch (after I changed out of my humiliating PJ's) and then went to sit on the couch when my eye was pulled over to a booklet from a place called 'Red Megatone'. I looked over the stuff they were selling.

Cellphones, digital cameras, CD players, DVD players, fridges...the list goes on and on. I know that I could easily afford nearly anything in there, seeing as my dollar goes farther than the Argentine peso, but I couldn't help but to feel a surge of guilt.

I know a lot of my friends in Argentina are saving up for something special, such as a cell phone or CD player. I remember back in the states that I did the exact same thing with my dollars, seeing as the dollar has the same buying power as a peso (For example, a book in the States costs 15 dollars, but here it's 15 pesos).

Anything electronic, they buy from Japan or United States and at the exchange rate, it can at times triple. A cheap CD player costs 120 pesos. To those in the USA, it's like a 120 dollar CD player.

I remember when I was in the 6th grade, all I wanted was a Gameboy Color. Pink. It was hard for me to ask for it for Christmas. I hate to ask for anything, and anything so expensive....

So I decided to save my money. I remember I got a baby-sitting gig during Spring Break in when I was 12 so that put me over when I needed to be. I had over 100 dollars, and not only could I buy my Gameboy, I could buy a game. I was beyond happy.

That's probably the same self worth that they acchieve when they get the things they want, only they don't have jobs to obtain them. In the states, if I wanted something, it really didn't matter so much because I had money tucked away from working so much. My flute, for example, I bought for 450 dollars and I had it all in my bank account. It felt good to know that I had that much money put away!

It's really hard to explain to a little 6 year old boy that the peso is worth so much significantly less than my dollar. He starts to think that he's poor, but still wants to learn more. Then he wants to know what the Chilean peso is worth (It's like the yen. There's probably 100 yen to the dollar, but you need a shit load of yen to buy anything). Then he gets all cocky because he thinks that his peso is so high and mighty, while in reality it's one of the least stable forms of money in the world.

All this talk of money makes my head spin. To cut it short, Argentines have to short end of the straw. What does this country have going for them? Nothing. Absolutely jack shit.

Wait, they do have cows....

My host parents left last night to go out to the country house of their friends. They haven't been home yet, and it's almost 7 pm. So what have I done in this past 24 hours without them??

I stayed up until 8 am talking on the internet, intenting to see the sunrise with the damned house in front of us blocked it. I went to sleep and I slept until 1. I booted the computer and made some hot dogs for lunch. After I ate I got some clothes and did two loads while wasting time on the net. It's beautiful. Absolutely wonderful.

Right now I'm playing internet card game bullshit and rubbing my picky legs. I should shave. I'm gonna wax.

I'm fully enjoying my alone time. I'm sitting in a pair of boxers and a tank top because I know that I don't have to try to impress Lily or Alberto like I have to everyday. I have a good, lazy feeling about me, and right now I wouldn't change that for the world.

If they knew I was on the computer all day I'd be shot. "You're so anti-social!"

Suck my gothic cock.

Yes, it comes in different personalitys. (No pun intended)

She said: Others are happy (with me, or happy in general), I am happy. But I have a feeling that the only way I can be happy right now is to hurt someone, and it's far against my nature.
He said: You want to hurt these people?
She said: Of course not! I'd rather sit and watch it all happen and put on the happy face than make someone else miserable. I've never felt like I needed to fullfill myself, but now I feel guilty for wanting something good to come my way. I feel wrong.
He said: But the only way for you to be happy is...?
She said: To hurt someone.

Let's play a game. I'm playing a mix of damned good songs, and I'll select my favorite lyrics from it and you guess what song it is. Song OR Artist is accepted. Both gets extra points. What do you win? Occupied time!

1. An' invisible man sleepin' in your bed, Oh who ya gonna call?
2. I feel stupid and contagous.
3. I miss Alabamy once again, And I think its a sin, yes. (Easy one)
4. The bride walks down just to start the wedding, And there's one more girl you won't be getting.
5. Who, Zeppelin, Beatles, Kiss, The Rolling Stones,While we played guitars in air. (Modern)
6. You can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a woman's man no time to talk.
7. Before I go insane I put a pillow to my head and spring up in my bed and scream the words I dread.
8. And any time you feel the pain, hey, Jude, refrain. (Think, it's obvious)
9. Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea, Joy to you and me. (Too easy, but you'll have to know your oldies)
10. Junebug skipping like a stone.



Are we read for the answers??

1. Ghostbusters- Ray something....
2. Smells Like Teen Spirit- Nirvana
3. Sweet Home Alabama- Lynard Skynard
4. Bust A Move- Young MC
5. California- Lenny Kravitz
6. Stayin' Alive- Bee Gees
7. I Think I Love You- Partidge Family
8. Hey Jude- Beatles
9. Joy To The World- Three Dog Night
10. 1979- Smashing Pumkins

My music tastes are silly. ^_^*

There are so many words to write, but my mind feels blocked. Almost broken. I know my heart is. AS I look over some of these old entries, I realize how upset I was...how upset I am. I want to give up. Go home. Go to bed and cry myself to sleep like always.

But crying doesn't do it anymore. There's one thing that I'm absolutely yerning for, and it's a razor.

I can't of course. Being in Argentina and being summer. If I had the audacity, which I do, and it were winter, I doubt I'd hesitate.

Jealousy is a nasty, evil thing that I’d die to ride the world of, yet it consumes my soul. You're right, don't try to make me happy. I need to create my own happiness, but truthfully, my happiness is so incredibly hard to explain to the outsider.

For me to be happy, others around me need to be happy. If everyone around me is happy, as am I. There's always something missing though. I've never been able to put my finger on it, and I still can't. It was something that I had in the 7th grade, that slipped the summer before 8th. Whatever it was, I had completely lost it by the time I turned 15. Is it good grades? I doubt it.

Stephanie Jones on: Deception

I was lying in bed with my bear on one arm and Alex's sweatshirt in the other. My mother was snoring like usual in the bed next to me, when I got up. I went through my mother's purse looking for a phone card to call Alex, and instead, what did I find in my mother's center compartment?

A half package of cigarettes and a lighter. I held a hand to my mouth and I began to gag. In frustration, I grabbed her flight information and shredded it. Finding the biggest piece I scribbled messily the message that ran through my mind.

"You lied to me. I was so proud of you too."

I went into hysterics on the lawn in our backyard. I sobbed loudly and sat on the ground rocking back and forth holding Alex's sweatshirt close to my chest. I looked up to the sky and asked why, if there was a god, he would do this.

When he answered his phone, I asked him to 'talk a jumper off it's ledge'. He did.

She 'quit' on Christmas Eve when I was 14 as my Christmas present. It's all I wanted that year.

She was dying of lung failure before she 'stopped'.

Who knows how long she's been lying.

That bitch.

Stephanie Jones on: Symbols

If there is one symbol in the entire world that could sum up nearly all of my good memories and my bad, that would be the Japanese symbol for love. I see it and it brings forth such a multitude of complex feelings but that symbol I don't only associate with the word for what it stands for, but a name. A beautiful name. Two of them.

One of which is Mina, whose very name makes my heart still skip a beat and I realize how much I miss her and how I won't have her when I'm back. I won't be able to hug her or to kiss her on the cheek....

I won't speak of the other. The name makes me feel ill. A good ill, but none the less....

He gave me a necklace for our six month anniversary and it was absolutely gourgeous. It was silver with a charm on it that said love in Japanese. "Because I love you." He said.

"And I love you."

Stephanie Jones on: Feelings and Free Writing

If I were in the states, I would cut.

Here's my free write time.

I was in the 8th grade and standing in my dirty gym clothes. I hated school. I hated gym. It all sucked, and it was only a single month into the year. Thank god that gym was the last class of the day.

We were doing pair gymnastics this week, and oh what the irony? My best friend and I were fighting. Obviously we didn't want anything to do with each other, so we were forced to choose less worthy partners. She got the class bully named Sandra, but it was me who had the worse luck. This year we had a new boy named Brenden who, for some reason, just didn't fit into anybody's groups. I swore I had the worst luck out of any girl in the entire school.

I sat next to him, but made sure I had plenty of room between the two of us. The first exercise was to press our feet together and pull each other by pulling on each other's hands. We were forced to lace fingers. His hands were relatively soft and nice and his grip was strong. I stared at him hands, then looked into his eyes. His was looking intensively at me.

"Take a picture, it'll last longer." I said, releasing my grip from his, and letting him fall to the floor.

It went on for the next two days, but I noticed he wasn't in school on Thursday. Oh well, guess I'll have to sit today out!

He wasn't in school on Friday either, but that's when Mrs. Rhodeau called me over at the beginning of class to talk to me.

"I suppose you might be wondering why Brenden is here. He seems to be your friend."

I was tempted to say that I really didn't give a shit, that I only talk to him because I have to, and that I wouldn't be his friend even if my life depended on it. I kept my mouth shut.

"Brenden's mother died on Wednesday night in a car accident."

I couldn't hear anymore. I put a hand to my cheek and I noticed it was soaked with tears. I asked to be excused. I ran to the girls locker room and cried for the rest of the hour, and on the bus, and even walking home.

Why in hell is this boy and his dead mother effecting me this way?

I didn't eat dinner that night, and I was miserable for the rest of the weekend.

On Monday, Brenden was there. His eyes were cast downward, like he couldn't look at me. I lifted his head up with my finger, and began to speak.

"I know that apologizing won't take back all the shitty things I said to you, but I'm gonna try." I said, getting choked up.

He thanked me and said that all he wanted was to have a friend.

When we intertwined our fingers to start the gymnasics, I didn't dread it. His grip was still strong and it made me feel that he still had strength inside.

I kept thinking about how tight his fingers would have been around his father's hands the night his mother died.

I'm a morbid writer, and I apologize for any mistakes or bad grammer, etc, but I really felt the need to write and get some emotion out. If you enjoyed it, good for you.

Annie Jones on: Oh shit....

I'm so incredibly nervous now. I'm going to the airport in about half an hour to meet my Mom. Not some Argentine Mom, but my real Mom. This is the first time I get to see her in 6 months. I can't imagine what the year would be like. Not as bad I think. She wouldn't have to see my way of life while I'm still here. I certainly don't live the lifestyle of a virgin.

For example, last night, I stayed out partying until 4, very well knowing that I would have to wake up at 8. I arrived home at 4:30 and stayed up until probably 5:15 or 5:30. I put on make-up on my eyes to make sure it looks like I got more that 2 and a half hours of sleep. It's hard to cover-up though. At least I didn't drink so much as to be hung-over.

Should get going. Robert refuses to get up....

Annie Jones on: Differences

I'm not weathering the storm like I know I should. I have 'the strength' that everybody says I have, right? I don't want to bring out the life-is-so-hard-sometimes card. We all know that. Bringing it up would be a case of redundance. Besides, it's not worth it to make someone else upset.

Something is toying with my thinking though, and I couldn't tell you what. Everything was so the same and now it's like everything is so different.

I was beginning to enjoy my time here. Maybe it was rose colored glasses. How can things be their real tint when a good friend comes to visit you and your own Mother is on the way? But today really made me realize what I have in this host family; very little.

I was talking on the computer with my parents with the webcam. It was nice to see them. Dad got a haircut, Mom looks paler. So then I hear a crash from Robert's room.

"What was that?" I yelled.

"The picture."

There was a picture drawn of Fede and some of his friends and it was given to him as a gift before he left. I never liked the picture much. Looking at it for too long creeped me out. I hate to see Fede. He makes me so angry when I see pictures.

I came in and saw the frame in pieces and a rather freaked out Robert. The frame was virtually non-existant. It was more like two pieces of glass pressed together with the picture in the middle and clamps to keep the glass together.

Robert and I weren't exactly looking forward to breaking the news to Lily and Alberto. My Mom said that she personally wouldn't be angry because people make mistakes. As long as the picture itself wasn't harmed, why did it matter? We went downstairs for dinner and I sat in my seat.

"I have a problem I need to tell you." Robert said. "The photo of Fede and his friends, the frame broke."

Lily became infuriated. She yelled obscenities and took Robert upstairs. He was very much shaken by what she was saying to him. I sat at the kitchen table with Alberto in silence. I felt sick. I didn't eat dinner. I couldn't. I felt so sick. How could she be such a heartless person?

I realized how great my Mom really is. How much I miss her. How much I'm anticipating her arrival.

I became so nervous about how I'm going to manage to let my Mom go. Am I going to allow her to get on an airplane to go back to my home, while I'm stuck playing make-believe to an audience about how we're a happy family? I've never felt more alone in my entire life, and I have someone by my side to help me even. How am I going to let Robert go?

I've not felt such a strong urge to go home. It burns. What else was I supposed to expect when I was told flat out that they wanted Liz back instead of having me in their house. I know I sound angry, but it hurts. I feel more hurt than any other emotion. Of course I'm angry that they don't treat me well, but it hurts more because they don't care about me.

I recieved a note from Lily a few days ago.

'Ani-

Clean your room.

Lily'

I'm not offended that my room was messy and she didn't like it. The thing that bothered me was that she left a note because she didn't want to take the time out to say it to my face.

Liz's room was constantly in a state of disarray. Liz was 'perfect' for them though. I'm held to impossibly high standards by these people. I try to please them. I try to play pretend. It'll never work. I'll never even be acceptable to these terrible people.

I want to go home...but I know that things are just as bad there. I know I couldn't face even my best friends. They have each other. I'm the third wheel lost in translation.

I HATE YOU!

Annie Jones on: Something....

I was walking down the street today when I saw the street called Esperanza. Esperanza means 'hope' in spanish, but it's also the name of a city up north. I had a friend who was in the city of Esperanza and she was anorexic. She got sent home. But I was thinking how perfect it really was. An anorexic girl being sent to the city called hope.

Robert is coming tomorrow and I soooo can't wait! I'm a bit aprehensive (if that's how you spell it) about it all, because...well whatever. We'll blow the city apart.

I want school to start again. I'm going back to Monjas. YAY!

Annie Jones on: 60 things about myself

1. I'm scared shitless about the future.
2. I would change so much about my past.
3. Scrabble confuses me.
4. I was made out with against my will.
5. I hate liars.
6. I think I miss my family a little.
7. Argentine rock, though I wouldn't admit it, it's okay....
8. ...better than okay.
9. Disco rocks.
10. Making out? I dig it.
11. I lied about my weight for the longest time....
12. ...and to achieve that weight, I was bulimic for a while.
13. I'm fluent in spanish, though I feel like I know nothing.
14. I am truely in love at this current moment.
15. I eat lots of meat.
16. I have limited feeling in my inner arms.
17. I'm pro-rights.
18. I'm pro-gay marrage too.
19. I am capable of being so mean and nasty.
20. I constantly plan a perfect murder.
21. I have an infatuation with shaving my legs.
22. I have cheated on, been cheated with, and been cheated on.
23. I forget everything.
24. The first time I got drunk I was drinking with my 22 year old host brother in a disco.
25. I've never seen porn.
26. Number 25 is embarassing.
27. I wish I weighed 60 kilos or less.
28.The french language makes me sick.
29. I've made out with4 different nationalities....
30. ...the American was the best.
31. I'm partially deaf in one ear.
32. I'm bi-curious.
33. I hold grudges....
34. ...including those against myself.
35. I think I'd be a good Mom.
36. I throw around the word love too much.
37. I've lied to make other people happy.
38. I'd sacrifice my happiness to make others happy.
39. I miss school.
40. I started swearing when I was 6.
41. I have smoked more than 5 packs in Argentina.
42. I lied about smoking 5 packs in Argentina to my host mother.
43. I'd make out with Nicole.
44. I think blue M&M's taste different.
45. I have gone a week straight without talking (Not including infancy).
46. I am willing to stop eating if it means losing weight.
47. I pretended to like a show because someone else liked it, but now I'm addicted and they hate the show.
48. I won't even ask if I think I might be rejected.
49. My biggest dream is to get married and have a family.
50. Back stabbing, have done it, am doing it, will do it again.
51. I still think I won't get caught when I cut.
52. Clingy friends are baaaad.
53. I like reading people's conversations in the cyber.
54. The spanish swear words I learned from my host family.
55. I play hard to get....
56. ...and play stupid a lot.
57. When I have to, I am an absolute fantasic liar.
58. I saw Ocean's 12 without seeing Ocean's 11.
59. The guy who is sitting next to me in the cyber is looking at porn.
60. I realize that probably all of you haven't even read all of this.

Ta da.