I saw Fuka tonight. She said I looked stoned. I wasn't, so don't even go there....

No work tomorrow. Yay! No work and all play makes Annie a happy chick.

Hey, did they ever come up with a cure for anthrax poisoning? When we were going through the anthrax scare period thing, I used to get the mail, run inside as fast as I could, drop the mail and wash my hands. I was freaked out by that anthrax thing.

Isn't it hard to believe SARS was such a huge thing only 6 months ago? It came from a fuzzy thing they ate in China right? Kinda like AIDS, it supposedly came from apes. So what did the human race do to get AIDS? Have sex with uncountable numbers of monkeys?

~Whips out new Hello Kitty calendar~ Fourty days until my next Rotary meeting...and seeing my darling Jacob again. God, do I miss him. Now even more than ever because we had that pregnancy thing. It's amazing how a little baby can cause so much panic.

The Rotary meeting will be weird though. We won't have Jessica with us, who was with us all the time. She didn't make it....

I miss Jessie too. I haven't talked to her in about a week and a half because she went on a cruise for Christmas. There are two holidays of the year I'd hate to go on a cruise. Those are New Year, and Christmas.

My parents are going on a cruise in something like 20 days. (Half the time of me getting to see Jake. ~Pouts~)

~Looks around room~ I think I'm going to redecorate. Bye.

Teendom right now is so...unappealing. Ha, but then again was it ever?

I look in the mirror and think: "Jake sees this and still loves me?" I turn around, and look myself over. "Does my butt look huge?" I'm expecting a guy to pop out of my closet at any moment with a microphone, a cheesy suit, and an announcer voice and say: "This moment is brought to you by adolecence!" It's ridiculous!

I've thought about it over and over. Jake is running a mile everyday to improve himself. He doesn't like the way he looks apparently (See, I don't understand it. He's perfect in my eyes), so he's going out and running everyday. Isn't that so admirable? I would love to do something like that. The only problem is that I never ran in the first place. Jake used to be a runner.

Nevertheless, I'd like to take up a sport again. I did karate for a while and that'd be fun to start again.

Downhill racing. Now there's a sport that I'm good at. I've been skiing since I could stand up on skis. If I could have joined earlier this year, then I'd be kicking some major ass on the slopes. Skiing is the reason my legs look so huge.

Swimming was another thing I was good at. I haven't actually done it for a race since I was 6 or 7, but when I did it, I was like a fish.

Dad has been trying to get me into tennis since I quit swimming. I think he just wants to see me like those bitchy girls on the Trojan tennis team. I should ask him if he wants me to consider everyone below my status.

Random Questions:

What song best describes your life?
"Hold On" by Good Charlotte.

Just how many guys have you gone through?
Less than you'd think. Jake is number 5. Chris, Kyle, Him, Bryan, Jake. (These are real boyfriends. More than 1 month. If we're talking everyone I've said yes to, it might be eight.)

What kind of music is in your car?
I've got the Chicago Soundtrack, Drumline Soundtrack, an alternate rock mix, a rap mix, and a disco mix. My favorite is probably...umm disco, but surprisingly, it's the one I listen to the least.

What is the most common type of dream you have?
Probably where someone I love dies or leaves me. I very rarely have happy dreams.

If you were a spirit, what would you be?
Anyone who knows me would probably say a death spirit, and I'd have to agree.

Any words you say repeatedly?
Groovy, dammit (I say that one all the time at work), sweet, score, dumbass.

And all that jazz. Goodnight folks.

~Knitting needles click in hands. She looks up and stares at the reader in silence. After a while she speaks.~

I don't feel too well. Ah well....that sucks.

Fuka is in town on Saturday. We're gonna...I dunno. Do stuff? I miss her. I haven't seen her since Halloween day. I remember her last day was Halloween.

So what was the coolest thing you got for Christmas? I opened up a memory chip for a palm pilot/digital camera and got really confused. I thought my mom was intending me to have my own memory chip to store my own shit on. Hey, maybe she knew about my self staring porn movies. ~Rolls eyes and sets down knitting needles~

Moving away from me lying about my roles in porn films, I got a digital camera. I was so happy. I thought that it was kinda more of a family present, but it is indeed mine. No one else may use it, and since I won't have a laptop to take with me on my exchange, this is my colateral. It's a Vivitar ViviCam 3746 with 3.1 mega pixel. It's so nice. I can fit it into my purse with the greatest of ease. It's so small.

So? What happened on your Christmas? I don't really care who responds to this, but I'm kinda starving for human contact other than family. C'mon....e-mail me!

I'm working tomorrow. Great. I really don't like work as much as I used to. It's time for a new job. Problem being? Jobs are geing dropped left and right because the holiday season is over.

~Smiles~ It's over. It was my last Christmas home, for I will be gone next Christmas on exchange.

~Holds up a wine glass, full of red wine~ Merry Christmas, my friend.

Jake is being stalked. A man was calling a private number, insisting violently to talk to him mother. When Jake refused, he threatened him and continued to tell him things about him family. Real things, like their names. He even knew my name. Apparently this man sounded a lot like Dad.

Since Jake an I had that pregnancy scare for a while, he thought that I was indeed pregnant and that I had told my parents and now, my Dad was going to procecute him for stautory rape, since I was only 15 and not quite 16.

So that's when Jake packed up him stuff and decided he needed to run from the law. He planned to go to Canada.

I was freaking out. All of this was sent in an e-mail, so I wasn't guarenteed a reply if he had already left. I sent him an e-mail anyway, pleading with him to talk to the police, because this man was NOT my father.

I got a call at 2:00 am last night. He's not leaving, but contacting the police.

Thank god.

I'm going on my second staright hour of crying.

I bought some of that Mederma Scar Fader today. I’m supposed to put it on 3 times a day for the next 8 weeks and I’ll have no more suicidal scars. Why even bother? I know now that I can’t stop. I’m addicted.

And then there’s him, another little addiction, whom I adore and so….incredibly much.

He chose Ashly over me. A Year and a half versus two weeks? I still love him, and I’m feeling such a range of emotions right now.

I want to cry my eyes out. I want to cry so hard that my eyes begin to bleed. I want to get every tear out of my body. I don’t want any fluids left.

I want to go up to him and slap him and scream at him to send a gentle reminder that Ashly cheated on him. We went out for a year and a half rather than just two weeks. She even said it herself that she doesn’t necessarily want to go out with him, but rather just someone other than her current boyfriend.

I want to tell him he’s lucky that he has a good relationship. He may very well be seeing…the one. I want to congratulate him, but my pride is swollen.

I want to hold him like I used to too. I want to put my arms around him, feel his heart beat against my chest. I want to smell his hair, to taste his tongue.

I also never want to talk to him again. I felt like he’s betrayed me. He left me, I repeatedly try to kill myself for his approval, and this is how he thanks me?

But most of all, I want him to dump Ashly. I want him to come back to me, tell me he wants me alive, that he loves me more than anyone, and that he wants to start a new life with me.

Dammit, I love you! Be with me! If you want me dead, you’re doing the right thing. I am going to cut myself beyond recognition. I am going to lose so much blood, it’ll make your head spin. I am going to get you back, dammit. Either I get you back or I die trying, and I’m not kidding when I say die trying.

Hm, I should start writing my note. I’ve always wanted to kill myself on Christmas Eve. Around 7 pm or so. I’m at my Nana’s house at that time. It’s right after dinner and just before presents. What a perfect time to die.

I wonder how long it would be until they noticed I wasn’t there…?

Christmas Eve is in two days. I don’t want to wait that long. Hm…I don’t think I will. Sounds fine to me. Two days before Christmas Eve….atleast my death would be associated with Christmas.

Hell froze over last night. I found out that we still love each other, him and I. We want to try again....

Two problems are standing in the way. Jake is one, and he's feeling very threatened by him right now. Then, there's Ashly, who cheated on him, yet she still has feelings for him, and he feels he owes it to her.

Ashly and I talked about it, and we promised not to fight about him, no matter which way it goes. I'm afraid that whichever way it goes, one of us will be bitter to the other.

However, I dropped him off at his house yesterday after my party and I got quite a bit of a nice surprise. I leaned over, not being able to help myself, and kissed him on the lips, three times. I sat back in my seat, listening to my engine idle, then he leaned over and kissed me...with passion instead of lust. I almost forgot what passion felt like from him.

I want to be with him. After a year and a half, I can't believe it. We might finally be together again. We might finally become 'we' again instead of two individuals, foolishly in love.

I stole his wallet and went through it today. No money, but the things I found were better than money. Various pieces of paper, emergency contacts, permit, receipts, a get out of jail free card for assignments.... I came across a little yellow piece of paper. Curious, I opened it.

In Ashly's scrawl, it read 'Will you go out with me?'. My heart sank. She left him about two weeks ago, because her ex, James, came back into town from Lansing. They were so incredibly involved in each other, Ashly and James. He was hurt, though he wouldn't show it.

In the fold of the paper dropped out a picture of him and Ashly in a photobooth. I felt so awful. Carefully, I folded up the note and placed the picture back in his wallet.

Next, I pulled out a piece of paper slightly larger and white. I opened it and recognized my writing.

I can't keep my promise to you anymore. I can't go on like this. How can I keep a promise so ridiculous? I want to die so terribly....
-Steph

My eyes watered. He kept the note.... He carried is with him everyday.

Was that really of so much importance? Was he scared? Scared for me to die?

I found him after school, gave his wallet back and hugged him. He really didn't want to be touched, but I felt I needed to. I love him. He's my best friend.

Birthday came and went, without much of a hitch. My car is in desperate need of repair already. I didn't do anything to it, but the fuel filter has never been changed the 13 years it's been alive. It needs a new one, so I have to go without a car tomorrow. Growl....

Hm, what else to say? I had a flute audition and I did okay. I certainly could have been better. I can always be better, but I'm a slacker.

In theater today, I tried to get attention. It's so ridiculous that I did it, not to mention what I did to get attention. I took a piece of plastic and scratched the hell out of my wrists. Isn't that stupid? I did it just to get Brian and Kevin's attetnion. Kevin was doing a Kung Foo practice session with Warren, and brian was obsessing over Erin, who skipped both lunches to go out to a car and get stoned.

I haven't talked to Jake in days. I miss him....

Despite be turning 16 yesterday, life really isn't happy....

Acting is so cool. I'm gonna miss the play.

Shere Khan was so sweet in the play, man. Tonight was nearly total improv. He did Kung Foo on the stage with Father Wolf. Hot damn tonight was fun.

I even got new friday pants. I had everyone sign them and I'll wear them on Monday for my birthday. Kevin put a little heart by his name. ^_^* I'm sure it means nothing, but it made me feel special. I think I have a little bit of a crush on him. Just a little one though.

I don't want the play to end, man. I've had way too much fun. the cast party kicked ass. Brian dreaded a part of my hair, and we played poker and I had nearly zero luck tonight. I won about two games out of about 20.

So...tomorrow is Monday...and my birthday. I'll be 16. Finally. I'm so sick of having zero freedom. Car keys, coffee, and boyfriends...I hate having Jake so far away. It's his birthday too.

I keep telling myself that I love Jake, and I have no doubt that I do love him, but it's so hard. He lives about 2 1/2 hours from here, and calling long distance is a bitch, not to mention expensive.

Christ, listen to me! I'm trying to talk myself out of Jake just because he lives far away. When I talked to him for the first time, I thought "I am going to marry him". I am. I'll marry him. We've already had sex.

The way I see it is: "If he cheats on me, he's gone". I can't put up with cheaters. I have so much to give, and if I give it to a stupid boy who uses me, fuck him and next victim.

I'm just being all stupid because of Kevin. Sure, I have a touch of a crush, and I think he's really cute, but Jake is my boyfriend, and I know he loves me...I think.

~Burries face in hands~ I'm getting so confused. Just give me my keys and license bitch!

I need a pity-party for myself....so please excuse the little tiff I'm about to throw.

I hate myself so much. My boyfriend lives 2 hours away from me, I suck at playing the flute, I'm fat, I have no friends, I'm hideous, I'm a fucking mongoose in the play, and I'm useless when it comes to school work. No one would miss me if I left.

I could spare Campbell the agony of hearing my flute audition. I wish I could have a Olivia to help me, but she's so damn busy with her boyfriend, Richard, and swimming.... She wouldn't have time for me. I'm not worth it anyway.

Do I really sound like that???

I think I want to sign up for that. It's really cool. What blogger needs to do, is make an uber-blogger. It's all the advantages of blogger pro, with the audioblog thing. That'd be sweet.

Christ it's cold....

audio post powered by audblog

I’m so ashamed. I slept in until 12:20 today. That’s so late for me.

So today is the 7th. I’ve known Jake for exactly 1 month today. We’ve gone farther than him and I had in a year and a half, and I love him more than I could have ever loved him.

It’s so stupid of me, but I heard a song over the weekend that I want for my wedding song. It’s called Space Lion and it’s from the anime Cowboy Bebop. I know that the name ‘Space Lion’ sounds odd, like it’d be a really upbeat song with lots of words, but it’s the opposite. It’s got ‘Goodnight Julia’ as the saxophone part and it has a soothing rhythm in the background. Three minutes through it, a quiet verse is repeated in what I assume is Japanese. It’s beautiful. I recommend everyone to download it. It makes me so happy. When I heard it, it immediately reminded me of Jake because he can play ‘Goodnight Julia’ on his saxophone.

What’s even stupider than that is that I’m planning my wedding with help of Rini. I don’t know about my dress yet, but I want my bridesmaids in dresses of scarlet silk. They’re standard tank top dresses that go down the ankle.

My little flower girl, little sister, is going to be wearing something like my flower girl outfit from when I was a flower girl. If I could get my flower girl dress spotlessly clean, I’d have her wear that. It’s cream silk, with little short leaves (a little puffy) and it goes down the ankles. It’s cute. For some reason though, I can’t see her any older than she is right now.

Kendall is to be my maid of honor. My bridesmaids are Rini, Sabrina, and maybe a host sister from wherever I’m going. I’ve not met enough girls I like in this world.

The only problem is my other cousins, what about them being in the wedding? I may need to find another little girl, because I don’t want to seem like I’m playing favorites.

Birthday…drawing closer. I can’t wait. I passed my road test on Thursday, so on December 15 I can finally get my license.

Even if Jake and I were to have conceived that fateful night (though I’m not 100% sure yet, and I’ll find out around Christmas Day), I don’t think I’d be really upset. Sure, it’s be a HUGE bummer, but I'd be having the baby of the man I love.

As my shopping season is drawing to a close, I'm look more and more forward to the holidays. I'm looking forward to seeing my parents face when they see that I got them a DVD player, a Sony at that. I can't wait to have my girls by my side and playing with the rubber stamps I got them as soon as presents are opened. I'm feeling outrageously 'motherly'. I can't wait to give my little Max man a hug, or to hold Little Sister and play little baby games like peek-a-boo.

Speaking of Max, he called me the other day. He's two and a half and he called to tell me he went 'number two' on the potty. He sounded so proud, but I was happier than he was because he said "I wanna call Stephie and tell her I went on the potty!" My heart swelled.

Oh yeah, please excuse the last entry, it was made at 6:30 am, so it doesn't make much sense.

Now all I have to do is get gifts for my Grandma and Grandpa and then for my Nana. My Nana is my mom's mom, but her dad is divorced from my Nana. I never see Papa. It's like he's dead, and the sad thing is, I don't really care.

It looks like I'll have to check eBay and get ideas for my grandparents.

I added up all of my bills after this weekend. It's a triple digit sum... $175.60. Ouch. It's a damn good thing my last paycheck was $195.55. It sucks...I'm not completely done either!

Hm...what about one of those Christmas flowers? The Poinsettia?

I had a dream last night. Jake was at some kind of part that I went to too. He didn’t know I was there. I walked into a room and I saw him holding hands with another girl. I yelled at him, but I was incredibly hurt. I ran the other way.

I rode my bike down to my elementary school, and I was so weak from crying that I had to crawl everywhere. A thunderstorm started and lightning was striking everywhere around me. I couldn’t get away. I crawled to my kindergarten room, and fell asleep.

I saw a guy that’s in my theater class and we skipped class all day and we made out with each other to avenge Jake. I still couldn’t forget him though.

I woke up almost crying. I want to be with Jake forever.

Jake came up this weekend, and from Friday to this morning, we were inseperable. All of a sudden, I'm not the little girl I was before he came up here. Get my drift? Twice.

We had such a great time! I really didn't him to leave. I wanted him to stay here forever, to go to school with me, to sleep in my bed, to...yeah! Just be here.

Ya know, I'd have thought I'd have so much to say, but I really don't. We had a bunch of fun, no doubt about it. We watched movies last night and then went into the other room for a few minutes....ahem! And on Friday night, we went downtown to look at the Christmas lights.

Yesterday was a riot. We saw a group of three Inbound and two Outbound exchange students downtown and we watched an Inbound and Outbound get their ear pierced. We went out to the mall. I bought my parents a DVD player for Christmas...or the holidays, whatever, a DVD for Jake's birthday, my last manga book (Anything but my last manga...now what'll I read?), a scarf with Hello Kitty on it, and a t-shirt with Hello Kitty on it. Hello Kitty....c'mon, how can you say no to her?

Jake bought a hat. When he put it on with his trenchcoat, he looked pretty hot...okay it's not like he wasn't previously, but ya know what I mean.

I'm going down there for Christmas. I can't wait to meet all of his friends that he speaks so highly of.

Sigh.... I miss him. I'll see him soon though.

I had a dream last night...

It was during band camp and Allison, my drum major and I were having one on one flute sessions. I was the 'teacher' of course. She was playing my flute because she forgot hers at home that day.

Suddenly, her face isn't as cheerful, her smile isn't as bright. She sets my flute on a jacket on the floor. She says she'll be back in a minute. I look out the second story window from the sitting on the floor. Allison doesn't come back for a while. I look down at Chibi (my old flute) and get worried. I follow the path that Allison took, leaving my old flute on the jacket she set it on.

I finally end up in the band room again, hoping that she was in there. Everyone looks at me when I enter. No one looks angry, sad, or any other emotion. In fact they were totally void of emotion, but they were all standing still and whispering.

"What's going on?" I ask Laura Piskor, the trumpet section leader.

"Annie, Allison killed herself." She said. I was shocked that Laura wasn't crying. Her and Allison were friends.

My eyes fill with tears. I'm so incredibly hurt. I was shocked at how much I hurt because she wasn't alive. In my suicide note I wrote a few weeks ago, I told her that I knew she talks behind my back and it hurts me.

I look over at Audrey. Surely she would be sobbing uncontrolably like I was, she was her best friend. She was void of emotion too. I ran back upstairs to the place Allison and I practiced in the hallway. I picked up Chibi and held her, crying madly.

Allison's face crossed my mind. Her hair was golden blonde, and in pigtails. There wasn't a smile on her face, but a look of knowledge, and suddenly I knew she felt the way I felt when I tried to kill myself. I felt awful.

I slept in that spot that night.

The next morning, school had started, and I skipped class all day. I talked to Kyle, and after talking to him, I realized i was the only one mourning Allison's death. No one else really even gave a shit.

Then I woke up.

I think when I see Allison on Monday, I'll want to hug her...but I know I won't. I'll want to apologize, and I know I won't. So it'll be the old standby. She'll talk about me to Audrey about me, but I'll be different.

I'll know that if Allison died tomorrow, how devistated I'd be.

Happy Thanksgiving. Okay, so I'm late by 45 minutes....

Ya know how much I hate the holidays? Any of my readers from a year ago can remember how freaky I went when I saw the thing I wanted to get him for Christmas last year. Any of you who haven't read for that long...you're damn lucky. It was a very scary thing.

I've been feeling depressed lately, which is kinda wierd. Normally I can think of Jake and be fine. I can think of how much he loves me, and how happy he'll be when we see each other tomorrow, but nothing. It doesn't help. I want to be with him all the time. I want to have his kids.

But back to the dread of hoildays (which may be the root of this spuratic depression). I tend to get what I want, but that's not what I really truely want inside. I don't care about material things (though a ring would be nice). If for the holidays what I could get would be to give something to everyone and see that they'd like it and/or use it everyday, I'd rather have that satisfaction than getting a present. People made happy by Annie = Happy Annie.

My birthday is drawing closer, and I'd getting excited, I'll grant you that much. I just want my license. License, money, new car seat covers (Which reminds me...I should check out ebay), and a CD to throw in the stereo, because god knows there's nothing good on the radio...almost ever.

I think I'm gonna quit my job. My boss Mo quit, and she works with my Dad at the TV station now. Our new boss...is a fucking pig. I detest the man! He treats me like I'm his...love slave or something! The man needs to be taken out back and shot. The bastard....

Very lucky am I to have this weekend off. Jake and I are going to take advantage of this. Who knows when we'll see each other again? Tomorrow night we're going and seeing the tree being lit downtown. Of course, we don't really have much of an option, Dad is MCing the event. Moral support and what not. Morals. Ha.

My laptop clock is in perfect sync with my alarm clock. I never knew that. It's merely a coincidence. Huh....

On Tuesday we had a party for the band fruits. It was a full course dinner, awards, and music. The flutes won 'the inaudible award' and the 'can't march worth a fuck award'. Erm...yay? Anyway, the individual people awards didn't happen to include me. I won 'Best Musician' two years ago. That was the last time we did the awards.

Yeah, sure okay then.

Jake will be here in under 24 hours. Arg. I want him here now. We're gonna go out and have fun. Lots and lots. Heh...

With that said, it's obvious that I may not be able to get into this beautiful system to update. Not like you guys expect many updates anymore, cause I'm a fucking ditz and can't remember to do it.

Ya know, I'm tired. Wierd. I could fall asleep with this thing in my lap, listening to Black Eyed Peas on the shitty audio system. It's almost appealing....hm. No. My parents are paying for this internet usage. It'd be a waste. Woah...what am I smoking? Since when have I cared about my parents?

Yeah okay...sleep. I forgot that it may be helpful.

Her note is almost complete. She rereads the messy lines. She never really was one to write neatly when in a hurry. Such a hurry these days. Everything has to happen so fast. Boom, boom, boom. Right in a row. Even at 11 o' clock at night, she was in a hurry.

Last line complete, she folds it neatly, and place it on her pillow. She sits up in her bed with a glass of ice cold water by her side to help her. Cut, cut, cut on one wrist. She hold the glass of water on the cuts. 'Research is a beautiful thing. If you keep your cuts underwater, they won't close up, but just continue bleeding.' She thought wistfully.

Yes, just continue bleeding.

Now for the other. She doesn't stop at her wrist, but continues farther down, going to her elbow, and making sure she gets the vein that stuck out there. Again, the water was held on her elbow cut. The water turned a deep red, and an odd satisfaction overcame her.

Yes, just continue bleeding.

Blood was dripping down her arm. She was gasping for breath. She was finally doing it. She was finally getting what she had wanted for so long.

And no one would be there to see how beautifully everything was going. Time for the finale. She picked up te bottle of asprin, shook out a handful, and swallowed them all.

She smiled. What kind of suicide would this be without alcohol of any sort? She lifted the bottle of vodka, took a long swig and winced at the taste when she was done.

She picked up the phone and dialed the number she knew so well.

"Hello?" A familiar voice answers.

"Hey."

"Can't sleep?"

"Just wanted to say goodnight." She said, her voice cracking.

"Err...okay. Goodnight."

She hung up the phone. He wouldn't find out, maybe for a day or two, that she was gone. Dead.

She became unexplainably exhausted and put her head down on her pillow. This is what it's like to die? It's so warm.

She felt herself slip away....

...And heard her alarm clock ring the next morning.

No school for little Annie. Such a shame. Ha. Not to say that school wasn't in session. I'm ill. Hacking coughs, etc.... Whatever. I really don't feel well though.

It's kinda a relief though to be able to stay home and to just relax. I wrote a new chapter today in my fan-fic, which I haven't done in months. My readers will be pleased.

Ya know, I haven't looked longingly to my wrists since I met Jake, and it's been almost two weeks. That's unheard of for me. The thought of death anymore is fucking insane since I have him.

Last night we talked on the phone for about an hour. We hung up at about 12:10. I got a phone call about five minutes later from him.

"I love you." He immediately said to me.

"I love you too,"I said. "Is that why you called?"

"Well, is that a good enough excuse? That I love you?" He asked. I could tell he was smiling.

"Yeah, it's good enough for me." I smiled.

I can't believe I'm saying this...but I'm glad that I'm alive.

There was a stabbing in a little town about 60 minutes away from here by car. A man was supposedly pumping gas or something and a man came up behind him and stabbed him 39 times. The man is dead, and my mother went to school with him.

On a lighter side, I recieved a letter.

Dear Stephanie,

I am very please to inform you that the District 6290 Youth Exchange Committee has approved your appplication to be a Rotary Youth Exchange Student. Congratulations!

So I made it! I wonder what Jake is doing, where he is, if he got his letter.... I can't stop thinking about him. Is he the one?! I can't believe I'm saying this....but I really think he might be! How exciting do you think that is? My mom said that she knew that she wanted to be in his life the second she met my dad, and I feel that way towards Jake. Could be possibly feel the same way? Who knows. I just want a phone call right now.

Jake couldn't possibly not make it right? I mean, he's the perfect canidate. He's a drum major, a genius alto sax player, an actor, and his grades are better than I could achieve. I'm so jealous of him, and if any other girl had him, I think I'd just about die. How did I get so lucky? Why in hell did he choose me?

We talked about moving in together when I get out of school, possibly even get married. Married? I haven't talked about getting married since I broke up with him. And kids? We've even briefly touched on that subject.

Save the whole speech on the fact that I'm 'just a kid', because I know very damn well what I'm doing. Ask anyone I know, if I'm going to commit to something, I stick with it. That may be part of my depression/bipolar/suicide problem.... But I don't give up and I believe in second chances and all that good shit. I have the personality to make anything work it seems.

Augh, I'm so incredibly taken with this boy, it's like I'm blind.

My friend Jessica that I made in Tustin when I was down there for my exchange student program, didn't make it to the final cut. She's no longer an outbound canidate, but rather just a regular student. I guess she got a phone call. That part is peculiar, since the Rotary doesn't call, but rather sends letters. The letter will either read "you were accepted" or "you weren't accepted". Is it possible that someone was fucking with her?

I sent her this letter:

What do you mean you're not going?! You got a phone call?! I can't believe you weren't accepted! Can you think of why you weren't?

Now I'm really scared. If you weren't accepted I sure as hell wasn't.

You really need to try again Jessie! Jake, did you possibly get a phone call or your letter yet?

I've been deathly afraid lately about this whole exchange thing lately. I'm not wavering a bit that I don't want to do this, cause I do, but I was afraid this was going to happen if I met these people who are on exchange. These people are pretty much fluent in English, and it's only their 4th month here! I'm not a slow learner, but what if I'm stuck someplace, no money, no phone, no anything and all the people around me speak some foreign language?! They say you need to sit down and cry, regardless of pride, but put the pride aside, I'd be scared shitless and feel stupid!

And now more than ever I'm regretting Iceland as my number one, and the worst part is, I was told I'll most likely get it from my YEO! I had no idea people from Iceland spoke Icelandic until I went to the conference....Oh God. I'm going to spiral into a panic attack.

But I'm being terribly selfish. Jessica, I want you to give me a call. If you don't want the long distance bill, e-mail me back with your number. Mine is: (***)-***-****.

I'm still in complete shock that you didn't get in. Dear God! Is it possible someone was playing a joke on you? It has to be.....

I g2g. So sorry Jessie!

Annie-Chan

She didn't make it, and it just blew me away.

Jacob and I talked until about midnight last night, and god that was great. We talked about everything, and he's really serious on a commitment with me. He's hoping he can find a place up here and possibly go to Central with me when he get's back from exchange! I can't tell you when I've ever been happier. Okay I can, but that was the three days I was with him in Tustin.

I got so depressed today during lunch because I didn't have anyone with me that I could really talk to. Valerie is pissed at me because I told her she needs to not be so busy, I wanted to avoid Rick because he's really getting on my case, and I'm certainly NOT going to sit with him. I haven't talked to him since the night I cut my wrists and took a mouthful of aspirin. Ya know, I still wonder how I was able to get down that much aspirin that night.

Anyway I stayed in the band room and wrote. Coincidently enough, Rick was avoiding me, because I've been known to have a nasty temper with him. But that's not really the coincidence. It's the fact that he too stayed in the band room.

As I write this, I sit on my bed, looking at a picture of my 9th grade class on the wall. The jocks in the back row, with their shirt sleeves rolled up to show off their 'muscles', the stoners in the front row and up the middle, the preps in the second and third rows, the wannabes scattered here and there...then I look and see Kendall and I, four rows up. Her tongue is hanging out like she was gagging and she was looking at the preps. My arms is around her shoulders and I'm smiling mischievously.

I love her and miss her terribly, but sometimes I think that there has to be a reason why she moved. The power that controls my life might actually have a plan for me. Is it possible do you think? I can tell you one thing. She lives near Jacob, and when I go to visit her, I can guarantee you that I'll be at Jacob's house too. It's like killing two birds with one stone. It's a beautiful thing.

I apologize for the gushing and the excitement, but this is truely amazing. I feel loved, and nothing really even needs to be said to prove it. I can hear it in his voice.

Where have you been all my life?

Kendall,

Well, I just got home from Tustin. Boy do I have news for you! We both know about me and my boys, it's almost like an obsession. Let me tell you about this boy, whom has already changed my life. His name is Jacob.

I can't think of anyone except for him. I can't believe all of this is really happening. I met him a little over 24 hours ago (when I wrote this). Friday night I was finally able to get to sleep at 2:30 am because all I could think about was him. I had to wake up 3 hours later to get to breakfast on time. Ouch.

I saw an older looking kid step towards my group of socialites I was talking to. My legs felt weak. Before I could control all other functions, I flashed him the sweetest, cutest smile I could possibly supply. His hair was long and blonde, down to his cheek bones, about 5' 10" tall, a medium/muscular build, a bit of a trimmed mustache and goatee (also blonde), and bright blue eyes I easily could get lost in.

It turns out, we're so incredibly similar. He plays in band, but plays the alto saxophone. He's a drum major too. He loves anime with a burning passion and Princess Mononoke is his favorite movie too. His birthday is also December 15. He's hypoglycemic too and his first choice for countries is Iceland too. So how can you say 'hell yeah' in Icelandic?

Our first night, we hung out in a building all my ourselves and practiced his lines for his play and we played our instruments too. Well, we weren't entirely alone. We had a friend and her name is Jessica Tardy. I sat on the floor next to his chair and he massaged my shoulders.

The second night, there was a dance, and we certainly weren't rated G when we danced. I can't even count how many times we kissed, and even that wasn't innocent. We spent every minute of time we could together. And so now...he's my boyfriend! He lives in Cedar Springs, down by you....kinda! Well, anyway I'm so excited!

Kendall, I'm serious on this one. I really think he's the one. Whenever I think of him, I feel this wonderful feeling in the bottom of my stomach. I can't imagine being without him. This sucks! I wanna be with him!

My flute came yesterday, but the post office kept it until we could pick it up, which was today. It's just as perfect as I had imagined.

I'm feeling so wretchedly lonely. I want to be held like I'm loved, not held at arms length like is happening. But there's a catch to this whole thing. I want to be held close by someone I like. Some catch hm? So in other words 'Get another dream. No one will ever love you the way you love them. Go to your room, shut the door and practice your flute some more or something.'

Tomorrow we have a conference downstate for exchange student. A talent show is included, so I'm bringing Tenshi down (I've decided that this is my new flute's name) and we're doing 'America The Beautiful'. I really hope we're on good terms tomorrow. Such as we were today.

"There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing,
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending,
Controlling, I can't seem,
To find myself again,
My walls are closing in
Without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced,
That there's just too much pressure to take,
I've felt this way before,
So insecure."

Linkin Park "Crawling"

I was told that I was beautiful tonight by a guy who asked for my picture online. I hate to sound conceited, but I get that a lot. They then proceed to ask if I'm a virgin, if I'm seeing anyone, how far I'm willing to go on a first date. I feel terribly washed up and used by the end of our conversation.

So, I haven't even mentioned anything about Dan. My now ex-boyfriend? I suppose he didn't like me. He 'barely even knew me'. That's kinda funny, seeing as we went to kindergarten together.

Barely know? I barely know Bill, yet I want to know him, and well. He's a nice guy, which is obvious seeing as I'm trying to get hooked up with him. Val told him I like him last night, and he's been watching me a lot more closely, and looking at me as if I were about to bite him. I think it'd be amusing to go up to him and tell him I have no intentions of doing so, but rather that I'm sure I'm ten times for embarrassed than he is about the whole situation.

The biggest problem has to do with my friends. None of them are overly fond of him, even Val who was a co-section leader with him for marching band is even questioning my intentions. Not that I can blame her.

Tim hates him because of a bickering match they held because Tim is a junior section leader, and Bill said he had better not get cocky over it.

Rick doesn't like him because...well I like Bill. I'm not saying I dislike Rick, but the like is in two totally different manners. Bill is someone I could see as boyfriend worthy, but Rick...well what can I say? We tried and I was so unhappy with the whole thing...especially how things turned out.

Phil shouldn't count, but seeing as he sits at then lunch table with us, it's natural that we'd hear him. Bill is his section leader, and Phil doesn't like him becasue he's so 'intense'. He marks time while doing scales. Well sorry, but I must admit that I'm guilty of that sin. I can't see where Phil says that he's intense. I can't see it. Whenever we talk, he always loosens up and we talk and laugh together.

Just the other night, I fell asleep on the bus coming home from Rockford, and he saw me rubbing my eyes and whinning. He smiled and laughed.

"Ya know, I was all happy and warm. But now I'm not." I said.

"What happened?" He asked.

"I woke up." I whinned. He laughed hysterically. He must have been really tired to laugh at something I said. I'm not entertaining, especially when I'm nearly asleep.

Okay I take that back. Here's a little known secret, when I just wake up in the morning, I tend to waddle for about half an hour.

No school tomorrow. I'm taking complete advantage of this. I'm shooting the alarm clock. But now I have to get my laundry ready to be packed. Good night.

I have a headache again. Every time I cry anymore I get an awful headache that won’t go away until morning.

Why was I crying this time? Obviously I’m still hurting from Fuka leaving. But that’s not the biggest thing that’s wrenching my heart.

He has a girlfriend now, and I had no idea. We were talking last night on the phone and he said “What are you going to do when I get a girlfriend?”

I said. “I know it’s going to happen eventually. One day, you’ll meet the woman you’ll marry, and I’m probably be there and smiling and patting you on the back congratulating you.”

“No, what are you gonna feel?”

I didn’t speak. He caught me on the technicality. “I’m gonna feel like shit. Like I want to die.”

“Why? I’ve gone through you seeing other guys and I’ve been fine with it.” He said.

“Well you don’t like me still. There’s a difference.”

He said we may even get back together….

Then I go into 2nd hour almost chipper, then Ashly shows me pictures that she got taken in a photo booth. He was in all of them.

“You went and did something with him this weekend?” I asked.

“Yeah.” She said smiling widely. “We’re seeing each other.”

The girl sitting across from me started talking, but it became a high-pitched mosquito whine. My eyes were burning, and the next thing I know, I was outside of the girl’s bathroom and sobbing my story to Bryan…my ex. Naomi came along and we went for a walk, a long walk. It lasted half of the hour. Naomi gave me the number of his classroom she found in the office, telling me that the rest was my decision.

I almost did it. I almost went into his second hour, gotten him into the hallway and yelled at him until I suffocated. Ms. Tegel found me first. She saw my eyes and my face were bright red, and I was told I should go to the bathroom, go to class or I was welcome to come talk to her in her room.

I chose the bathroom. I cried and cried and cried until I couldn’t breath anymore. I started trying to cut my wrists on the sharp part of the toilet paper holder. My left wrist is red and raw from it.

I went to Ms. Tegel and told her I couldn’t be in Ashly’s class anymore. So I was transferred and now I have a different schedule. I’m starting my new schedule tomorrow and I was honestly shocked at how fast it was able to go.

I confronted him at lunch and we had a rather tearful conversation. I told him I was pissed that he didn’t tell me, that I felt like a total slut after everything we’ve done, that it was a dirty low down trick that he had a girlfriend and just wanted to see what I would have done when he asked me that question last night.

“I live three blocks from this damned place and you know that. I could run home right now. I know the combination to the safe. I could open up that safe, get out that gun and shoot my fucking brains out.” I said clenching my teeth. “I’ve never been so fucking tempted.”

I nearly did it. I stood outside, looking longingly up the road that leads to my house. Rain drizzled down onto my pigtails. I shivered. I decided it could wait until I get home. Besides, then I could see every one for the last time.

It’s not the gun, it’s the razor. The gun is the easy way out. Give me pain.

I have entered the 5th realm of hell. Fuka is gone. I cried for three hours straight today at school. I think I'm dehydrated because of all the water I expelled through tears.

Mina saw my face stained with tears at lunch, and she sat next to me and wiped my tears away with the sleeve of her kimono. She kissed me on the forehead and said she'd be here for me.

My face is numb. I can't feel anything, I can't move anything. I looked in the mirror and wondered, who is that girl? Why does she look so tired? What did she do?

Hell, even my grades are suffering. C, C, D+, C-, A, and A-. Those two A's are in Theater and Band. How did that happen? I had nothing below a 85%, but when Fuka dropped the bomb that she was moving, my grade were attached to a rock and dropped into a deep ocean trench. This was a minor three weeks ago, and I managed to fuck my grades up that badly....

Truthfully, what I need right now is a warm blanket and to be wrapped up in Dan's arms. Maybe then, and only then would I smile. I really feel for Dan and it's actually happened just as I thought and hoped it would. I started going out with Dan and suddenly all my little crushes faded away to nothing. It sucks though, to see all these couples in the hallway, and know that my other half is on the other side of town.

Speaking of lovely little couples, guess who I saw walking down the hall and holding hands. Olivia and Richard of course. I stopped when I saw their fingers enlaced as they passed me. Travis bumped into me and yelled at me, but I didn't care. I was too shocked.

It's not that I still like Richard, because I'm mad about my boyfriend, but I was kind of hurt, but satisfied at the same time. Did I cause that relationship to blossom? No of course not, but I'm positive I helped it along.

Tomorrow we travel to Rockford to play in play offs. It's a three hour ride in a charter bus with Tim, Rick, Val, Mina...the band I should say. No Olivia though. Richard won't be happy about that....

I've been awake for too long now. It's time for bed.

She thinks she's baddass, the way she paints her nails black and puts her hair up in a ponytail on the top of her head. She's nothing more than a bitchy prep in her jeans and white cotton babydoll shirt. Fucking whore. Stay away...

I wonder how Dan is. I haven't seen him since Friday or talked to him since Sunday night. Val says we're going to go see him at West's Band-O-Rama. I really hope we can go, but with pit orchestra for musical and us entere hell week, it's starting to look shaky.

Linton and I haven't had a real conversation since Homecoming. Apparently a couple of girls and a guy were getting it on in the back seat of his truck. They got cum on his seats.

I just don't understand. He's so serious lately. Maybe it's hitting him that he won't be coming back next fall and he's a senior. He has to buy his cap and gown this week. That might be it, but why do I doubt it so much?

Four days until Kendall moves. I've been working on a poem which is commemorating our friendship. It's going slowly. I don't know if I'll have it done.

I'm looking at new flutes online and this little one, is the one it looks like I'll end up getting. I already have a name picked out for her if it happens to be mine. I'll release the name when she's mine.

Ciao.

Tim is so complicated. I really want to be friends with him. I even told him about that one thing that happened last May, but it seems like he wants nothing to do with me, and truthfully, it’s tearing me apart. One minute, he appears to care and be my friend, the next he appears to like me more than just a friend, then the next he seems like he wants nothing to do with me.

Great, I can’t explain. Oh I’m perfectly capable, but my mother wants the computer. Goodnight then.

I’m really glad I got to talk to Dan again, because he confessed how much he likes me.

I got my Hello Kitty ring in the mail finally. It’s certainly not up to the quality I expected, but it’s cute none the less. Rick is wrong when he says I’m in love with Hello Kitty. Try obsessed.

Val and I are planning a movie marathon at her house on the 7th since we don’t have school that day. Rick, Tim, Mina, Dan, Dan’s friend, Megan, and Miciah are all invited. We’re going to gather around a 16” TV and watch movies. ~Giggles~ How much fun!

I keep on giggling uncontrollably! Why?! Oh, probably because of Dan. I’m becoming almost like a girly girl. Oh no….

I left my flute at the football game. Thank god it was in our warm up area and in its case. But poor Chibi Annie. Not to mention poor me! I’m gonna get my ass chewed off by my conductor. It’s amazing how absent-minded I became when Dan gave me his e-mail address. I’m regressing in my maturity.

Time to watch the World Series. C’mon Yankees! Make me proud!

We lost to our cross town rivals, the Titans. That's really too bad. The senior's sophmore year, we won with 3 seconds on the clock to spare. It was truely an amazing victory that year.

Six days until Fuka leave. What in the world am I gonna do without her?
I remember the day I met her. She was in Ms. Sheeran's class, and I'd never seen her before. She looked lonely, so went over. "Welcome to hell, I mean East. I'm Stephanie." She smiled at me.

We never said '"let's be friends", it just happened that's all. And now here I am, worrying about her leaving to the point of I can't sleep at night anymore. It's driving me mad.

I'll get her a frame, with our picture in it. Of course I'll have one too, but she probably won't look at it every night and cry because we did so much together, but so much we didn't.

It was an amazing thing being at a pre-game get together with our cross town rival's marching band and who am I to stumble upon but my 2nd grade crush. It was amazing to get and see each other again. We've seen each other a few times at the Omelette Shoppe, but we've not been ceratin enough to say anything.

Of course this isn't good enough to see Dan Mills, my 2nd grade crush, but as soon as Dan Mills' moved away in the second grade I fell for a kid named Dan Hienzelman up until the 4th grade, when he left. Mills' pointed him out to me and I nearly choked on my cookie. Hienzelman plays cymbals and Mills' plays in the pit percussion on the bells.

I'm happy to report I now have Mills' e-mail address.

Tonight at the party, I noticed Tom was walking around outside in the yard while rain was drizzling down. I pulled on my marching shoes and went outside. He wasn't feeling well. He ate too fast.

I sat in a dry spot. "Do you know?"

"Know what?" He stopped pacing and looked at me.

"Nevermind, you'd know what I was talking about." I said smiling.

"Well? What are you talking about? I might know."

We continued to use pronouns and talk in circles until he said "So I know it involves us both."

"Yes, but it's bad for me. I'll be exchanging next year and if I told you, I'd make an ass out of myself here and now, then nothing would come of it. That's not overly fun." I said.

"Well, if it's what I'm thinking of, then it's not overly good for either of us that your going overseas, and both of us would end up as asses." He said smiling.

And it turns out he did know. He's glad he knows I have developed a bit of a...thing I suppose you could say, for him. He says he 'admires upfront qualities'. I don't call it an upfront quality, I call it someone who can't keep their own damn secrets.

this time we stood outside, in the rain, in the cold, leaning against a fence. Talking about random things here and there.

But it leaves more questions than it did before I told him. Does he return these feelings? Now what? How is this going to effect the friendship we have going now if he doesn't like me back? What if this friendship we have goes to complete shit? Besides, does he really even want to deal with me? Maybe he doesn't even consider me as a friend.... Is it incredibly flaky to be after his brother for about a month, then profess my feelings?

So tonight was out last game. I know it's most likely not true, but I feel as if I have grown so much because of marching. I've been able to maintain a mostly sunny attitude towards life and made new friends along the way.

Have I changed? Maybe. But until I know, I'll still be Annie.

This is kinda surreal. I'm sitting in a college library and coincidentally, next to Rick. It's kinda fun to look over at him, typing in random things, and I really wonder what he's writing, and wonder if it's of any use to me.

I'm certainly dressed like I belong here today. No Rick, I don't want to listen to your music! But anyway, today's outfit consists of mostly black. Anyway who cares?

I keep on thinking about that skeleton and how I really insisted a decoration hung itself.

It's a damp and dreary day. If today wouldn't have been so good it'd be a suicide night. Or atleast attempted, but it was good day. The weekend is coming, by some stroke of good fortune I finished my homework by first hour and it wasn't incomplete or late, the rain/snow stopped when we went outside to march, lunch consisted of cheese sticks, soda, and candy, I got out of work early and it was pretty nice, then dad proceeded to drop me off here! It's more fun than staying at home and boring myself until death parts from my body.

Getting over dramatic, my cue to leave.

What is this guys problem?! I am so sick of being liked by guys I'm willing to run away from it all!

The school store has their Halloween display up in the window. A skeleton was hanging from a noose. "They killed themself," I decided. "The frame is small, and I've never heard of overly large people committing sucicide.

Then I stopped in my tracks and nearly slapped myself because I realized that I was saying how a Halloween decoration killed themself.

"Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

Dorothy Parker

God I love Zavy, he's just so funny. He's telling me about how he spent 50 dollars on hats....

Sigh and yay for getting all my exchange student forms in. I'm so glad to hear that I was the first person to get thier forms turned in and they were the most thourough they've seen in years. I'm in. Yeah baby.

Christ, I can't focus. Why? Oh, yeah, it may be the fact of getting new games on my graphing calculator. Thanks Rick. ^_^*

It seems as if I'm continuing to get more random the farther this year progresses. Valerie called me at about 4:30, asking me if I wanted to go see a movie. I said sure, but I had to be home by 9. No problem.

So we went to both cinemas in town and nothing was playing that we wanted to see until either 7 or 9. So we were driving around in her car and saying 'now what?'

Next thing that pops up is "Hey, let's go visit Tim!" Valerie is a little shaky about this, but I convince her to turn onto the road.

Tim showed us his horse, his cat, his sister (dear god she's adorable), his dog, and his truck. Well, I already knew about the truck. I decided to sit in the bed of it when we were talking. He lives on a farm, so it's really no wonder why his body is built the way it is.

I'd love to live on a farm, and with it being such a nice night and all, I was really jealous about him living on a farm. I wanted to live there too! All the stars are out tonight, and it's the exact kind of night I would want to have a boyfriend and have those innocent kisses without even thinking about sex or making out. That used to be all I thought about actually, but recently I find it kinda gross.

After that, we decided to go to dinner, but make a quick pit stop at her Grandma's house. Okay, so it really wasn't a quick pit stop. We spent 45 minutes there, talking about random stuff.

Dinner consisted to Pizza Hut and talking about Rick. How angry she is at him for always talking about me; how great I am and such. Truthfully, I'm getting sick of hearing it too. Right now, I want to hear how pretty I am and how much I mean to them from one person right now. Is that so much to ask?

"I just want to be friends." He says. I have enough friends. I have friends enough to keep me happy. I get 1-3 phone calls a night, even if they are mostly from the same person, that's enough to keep me happy. I don't want another friend, I want someone to contemplate the rest of my life with.

I'm honestly beginning to think it will never happen. To think that my love that is supposed to be out there somewhere and will one day come and be mine forever really got tired of waiting too. Maybe he's just like me; suicidal. Maybe he actually pulled it off. Damn you husband, how can you do it? Leave me here to rot and wonder what you were like in life.

Fuka jotted me a quick note the other day.

Annie,

Hi. I wanted to write you a letter. So I am. There is 13 days left (10 now...) and I'm really excited, but sad. There is a really big part of me that is scared. Scared that out friendship will wither away after I move. Even if it doesn't I wanted to let you know, you've changed my life. When I moced up here, my heart was bleak. There was void in my life where I needed a true friend. You filled that spot. Even when I was younger I was always lonely, looking for someone to trust. You have helped me open up my heart and learn to trust. For that I am forever greatful.

So if our friendship does not stand the move and you going to Italy, and the chnages yet to come, I wanted you to know that you will forever be in my heart....

I cried. I don't want her gone. She's my sister. I can't live without my sister. How am I going to live without her? My stomach is getting sick just thinking about it.

Ten days. Don't leave me Fuka.... I love you.

I really do like those band parties, they just seem to end too soon, and I can never just sit down and watch stuff go by. I have to be in it all, to be the entertainent. No one likes me for it. I swear that when I turn around, I can hear Allison talking to the nearest person about how she doesn't like me. I'm not your standard girl though. I can have fun, but I flirt like something terrible, and I think it honestly pisses them off to no end.

It just doesn't make sense. Kyle flirts more than I do, but so many people like him. He's just got some really likeable personality. There's just something about me that's so dislikeable.

"It's so wierd to hear you being called Annie." Tom says. "To me you've always been Stephanie. I like it better."

"Then call me Stephanie." I said shivering. We were sitting outside on the house's lawn waiting for our ride. I sat quietly. "Do you ever want to say something, but you know you probably shouldn't because it'll make people think about something you don't want them to know?"

He opened his mouth to talk, but a band member came out of the house and started his car. He never gave me an answer.

This sucks, I have to work at 9 am. I'm going to be up for a while. This not telling Tom what I think about him is going to keep me up. I'll think of how I could have handled it a million times over.

I have to tell myself that this is indeed a god thing. I can continue to be his friend without mutual awkward moments, not worry about wandering eyes....

As much as it pains me, I need to be single and stay that way. For god sake, I'm going overseas in 9 months. That's just terrible to do to someone. If I find true love, then it will be here when I get home. If I find someone overseas, I'm pretty screwed, but if it's true, it'd work itself out.

Please God, help me get through this.

From stolen shit to random acts of mindlessness, this has been a busy week. Though my ramblings certainly won’t prove this, I haven’t even had time to eat.

I suppose I’ll start with Tuesday. I put my purse on the counter not five feet from my Science work station, and by the end of the hour, my wallet was completely empty. There was nothing left in my wallet at all, not even my license. All my money for the week, my hard earned tips from work, was gone. No more money or driving for Annie.

Wednesday was relatively uneventful except for filling out a police report (the office made me do it). Valerie and I got into a fight the night before since all she was talking about was Rick and it made me uncomfortable. I asked her to change the subject or else I wasn’t going to be about to talk to her anymore, and she took that as some sort of ‘I don’t like you’ clause. Tim, Caleb and I were sitting outside eating lunch (except me, he didn’t bring my ID card that I gave to him on Saturday night). Tim gets up and says he needs to go to his truck. Caleb laughs a short, dry, almost jealous laugh.

“What?” I asked.

“I promised him I wouldn’t say anything.” Caleb said.

I sat on the bench, picking at my black nail polish and not five minutes later, Tim approaches me with a hand behind his back. He puts his fist out front which is clutching a pink, long stemmed rose.

gasped. “What’s this for? It’s so pretty!”

You’ve been stressed a lot lately, and I wanted to get you something to cheer you up.” He said.

“Thank you very much!” I said smiling my sweetest smile.

I hung up my rose to dry in my room. When it dries completely, I’m going to hang it from my ceiling.

Yesterday was the day from hell. Valerie was still pissed at me and found out somehow about my cuts on my wrist. She had the absolute greatest opportunity to ruin my life, but I’m damn lucky we were able to sort things out before she was able to accomplish this.

So Valerie and I were on good terms to the end of the day, Rick has the new nickname of ‘stick boy’, and my Thespian meeting rounded it off. I suppose the whole thing wasn’t so bad, just up until 7th hour, everything sucked. I was sobbing so uncontrollably, with Linton looking on. I guess he didn’t know how to handle this, because he wouldn’t even come near me yesterday.

Today was fine. It wasn’t a very eventful day. Everything was back to complete normalness. Rick went back to being insanely jealous of every guy I talk to, Val went back to being my friend, Tim went back to being…Tim I suppose, but Linton and I didn’t have a actual conversation today. That’s really too bad, and I’m kinda freaking out right now inside, because he’s always around a blonde girl in my class…but I’ll never let him see how much it bugs me.

So tonight is out last home game, as well as a ‘senior appreciation’ night. The seniors get to present their senior salutes, as it is their last home game. We have a game next week, but we’re visitors and we’re presenting our half-time show at pre-game.

I have a party to attend tonight as well. I wonder what we’ll do. Last week at the party, I cut Richard Manner’s brother’s hair. His name is Tom, and he’s a super nice guy. He’s been flirting with me since the 7th grade, and just recently, I’ve been seeing him in an all-new light. I’m not going to chase him, because it’s kind of a ‘flaky’ thing to do, to ask his brother to homecoming, to be denied, to go with Linton, then turn around and fall all over Tom. He probably doesn’t even see me that way.

Time for my uniform. I’ll be putting up the homecoming pictures on my site soon, as soon as I get better quality ones of course.

Oh…and 13 more days until Kendall leaves me for good. I’m going to be sick.

"The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath.
Emeralds from mountains thrust towards the sky,
Never revealing their depth.
Tell me that we belong together,
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above."

Edwin McCain

"I'll Be"

If I would have ended it, Linton wouldn't have to reject me like he's going to. If I would have succeeded, no one would have to worry about Caleb and the fact that he's stalking me. If I'd have cut a little deeper, Valerie wouldn't have to deal with all the shit I supply.

If only....

Homecoming is over, and there is to be no more school spirit so intense to be seen for another year. When I think about it, actually look on it and see all those whose last homecoming this is, it really kinda breaks my heart. Olivia, Richard, Valerie, Austin, Garret, Linton...they're seniors, and it was their last homecoming. It's the begining of the end for them.

Dinner was fun. Along with my stir-fry, I recieved a Jones soda, ever so aptly named. Inside of the cap was a fortune which read "You will have a pleasant surprise soon". I like pleasant surprises. ^_^*

I feel so guilty, making Linton go with me, someone he doesn't even like. Sure, he put his arms around me when a slow song would come on.

The last slow song came on, and I looked up at him and he smiled at me. He curled his finger to pull me closer. His arms fit around my waist, my arms on his shoulders. Throwing caution to the wind, I rested my head on his chest and closed my eyes. I could feel his head rest on mine.

I can see myself with a future for the first time in my life. I can see myself with a job, children, a house...I can actually see it in my mind's eye. Before this year, it was just a bunch of jumbled information. No pictures. My future involves Linton. I want him to be in it.

His clique can think I'm a bitch. My group can think I'm crazy. I know my group has it right. I'm absolutely mad for this guy. He's all I ever think about anymore. And I know I am crazy for even considering staying here and not exchanging if he didn't want me to go. I would stay here, missing out on an opportunity of a lifetime, just so I could be with him.

As Fuka so kindly puts it: "Damn girl, you got it, and you got it bad."

So homecoming week is coming to a smashing close. Tonight was our homecoming football game and we actually won, 21-12.

Sometimes it's so much fun to be a marcher, and other times you looks down from the bleachers, see people you once hung out with walking around, laughing, and having fun, it really sucks. That's probably my biggest problem with band, the lonliness that accompanies it.

It's a good thing Olivia and I aren't upset with each other anymore. That whole damn ordeal with Richard was such a pain in the ass. It's hard to believe that was two weeks ago. It feels more that two months ago.

Fuka's mom fought her custody battle finally, so she's leaving in 2 weeks and 5 days. She keeps telling me all the things she's going to do when she gets 'home'. I just smile and nod my head, keeping my mouth shut. If my teeth were to become unclenched, I'd yell at her. I'd tell her how every time she says she's leaving for good, it kills me a little. I hate this. It feels like I just met her, yet we talk to each other like we've been friends since the dawn of time.

Am I really such a bitch? I mean, am I seriously a true bitch? There's a difference between a real bitch and a girl with bitchy tendencies. A true blue would be self-centered, pushy, loud, rude, ya know, the works. While a tendency would be loud but sweet, pushy but a wimp, self-centered yet care for those around them.

Is there really a point to my ramblings? I suppose. Gee, it really does suck when a guy you genuinely want to be with says you're just a friend and a bitch. Erm, yeah. Thanks Linton.

Tomorrow night is dinner. At 7:30, we'll be going to Mongolian Barbecue. Meg, Micah, Valerie, Rick, Linton and myself makes for a table of six. I wish I didn't know Linton thought I was a bitch, nor that he doesn't even think of me beyond a friend. This will sure be interesting, won't it?

But there's nothing anyone can do. Opportunies come and go. It's better to have loved and lost...than to never have loved in the first place.

I’m crazy. I must be. Linton is now going to homecoming with me and on top of that, he took me home after homecoming activity night. I’m still shaking, and he dropped me off about 45 minutes ago.

These girls were in the car…one of which I can’t get along with, and they were smoking. Linton wasn’t smoking, thank god. I’m not sure what I would have done if he had lit up. Everyone was dropped off after we went cruising around downtown with the radio blasting. First Katie, then Sarah, then Crystal until it was just him an I sitting in his truck.

“I’m going to ask you something I don’t really even have the balls to ask, but I’m going to anyway.” I said. “Are you going to homecoming with me because you like me or because you can say you went with someone?”

I think he said because I asked and he thought about it and he wanted to go with me. He never said he liked me. I don’t think he likes me…. I yearn for the affection I give him.

“When me, Mina, and Brittany, were walking to my car, Linton was kinda near us and we're like ‘hey Linton, Annie’s looking for you," and he got like this big smile on his face.” Valerie said.

Why…why? I want him to like me!

A young man named John received a parrotas a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the chicken did?"

There is so much to say, and I actually know where to start.

I WAS ACCEPTED. I'm an outbound exchange student. I will I knew where I was going to go, but I'll find out in January. I don't know what else to say about that...which is amazing....

In shadow of all this, homecoming is on October 11, and I finally have a date. There's just one problem.

His name is Tim, Tim Lyons. He's so awesome, he marches with me, and I really do like him. I could see myself and a future with him. That's certanly not the problem.

Tim said he wasn't thinking about the night homecoming was, and he's been planning to go downstate with his dad for about a year, and that's the weekend his dad wants to go. Now he's stuck. He has the choice to stay here and take me to homecoming or to go downstate, missing homecoming completely and not taking me. I feel really bad, and so does he. He knows I rejected Linton to go with him, a senior I really like no less, which makes it even harder for him.

I wonder who he'll pick. Valerie says he'll stay here to be with me. Valerie is now going with Rick, the guy who was hitting on me at the party. We're doubling and going out to dinner before going to the dance.

Please stay here Tim....

I'm kind of caught up in the whole 'is he my boyfriend?' thing.... Well is he?! Who cares. Even if he doesn't go, I'll have the satisfaction of knowing he chose me to go with.

Sabrina,

I miss you so much, dear! I got your thank you note today, after failing my road test and a whole ordeal with Olivia (she's my friend, and I love her dearly, but I'm not sure how I'm supposed to deal with what she did), it was a wonderful pick me up.

Olivia and I have been getting along great. While her and I were getting close, I met a guy, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about him since I met him. You probably know him; his name is Richard Manner. I planned to ask him to homecoming yesterday, and when I was about to ask him, Olivia said to wait until he was in a better mood.

So she comes up to me today in band while I'm putting my flute together, and she breaks it to me that she is going to homecoming with Richard. It happened last night. She was trying to hook me up with Richard earlier, so I was pretty much destroyed, kinda like the him and Meredith thing last October.

Then, I failed my road test within 10 minutes of starting. When he came up to my window and said: "you obviously know you failed..." I started crying.

In the lighter side, my panel Rotary interview is on Sunday at one. I'm not nervous, I'm just worried about different things right now (Like Olivia and Richard). I need to focus on my interview though...whatever.

I'll talk to you later. Oh! By the way, you're exchange replacement, Minase, is adorable, and she's become as close as you are to me!

Bye.

Stephanie

I'm really sorry to hear that things didn't work out with Richard, but I'd like to try to explain what happened. (I received an email from Olivia telling me about it). Last year, before school got out, she and Richard became pretty good friends. She's had a crush on him for a while, and when she realized that he was actually interested, she didn't really know how to deal with it, so she just treated him the same as always. I think they saw each other a few times over the summer, but I was a little distracted so I'm not sure. And Olivia was pretty surprised, too...Richard asked her, it wasn't the other way around. So...I regret saying this, but even if you did ask him to Homecoming, I think he would have refused, because I know he was planning to ask Olivia. *hugs* I know how that's really rough...when I had a crush on Kaitie's brother, she tried to set us up, and instead he asked Cat (who was one of my best friends at the time) to prom. I was basically crushed. But...I knew that Cat really didn't intend for it to happen, so we're still good friends. I realized later that Kaitie's brother is really kind of an ass. ^_^; I can assure you that Richard isn't an ass, but it's kind of the same. You'll realize that he's not right for you. Either that or Olivia will screw up royally (which is possible, he'll be her first boyfriend, so she doesn't really know what to do...) and Richard will be a free man again.

Almost everyone fails their road test a time or two. Was it the parallel parking? That was what almost killed me, and it was only by a hair that I actually passed. (I probably shouldn't have, but the guy was pretty nice about it) So don't worry about it, ya know? You can take it tomorrow or next week or whenever you can schedule another one. It's really not a big deal, and the only loss is about $25 for each test. *grins* Cheer up, you know? Failing a driving test isn't something to stress about. Chelsea failed hers twice? I think...and I know some people who failed five times before passing. *giggles* It's kind of amusing, when you're not the one who failed. *hugs* But it's really not a big deal.

I thought the September Rotary conference was already over with? Why do you have your panel interview on this Sunday? Unless you didn't go to the conference with the other students...Or is the conference this weekend? I can't remember, but I thought it was two weekends ago. Anyways, you'll do fine as long as you show then you're flexible about your religious/cultural beliefs and are willing to go to ANY country, not just your first choice. (That was really tough for me, but I suit my country well, so I didn't have to worry too much.)

Anyways, I hope you're doing well. I would absolutely love it if you'd keep me posted on the latest gossip and who's going out with whom. ^_~ I'll get the other side from Olivia and Chelsea, whenever they email me, and maybe even Shannon Shomo, too. I really hope your Rotary Interview goes well!

Love and Hugs,
Sabrina

Tears are running down my face. I miss Sabrina so much. I don't think I realized how much she actually means to me. I want to go back in time and try and be with her more. I know it's for a year, but it seems like forever.

I'm jealous of Richard. Olivia is a nice girl, and I think we all know I have had feelings for a girl before; Fuka. Now I'm past Fuka, and Olivia is right there. I don't want anything other than to be together to cry, to laugh, to hold each other when we need it.

I suppose that's what me and Sabrina had, and that's what I miss. It's all coming together...

I’m really not sure if I’ve been so physically drained in my life. Today was a long day, as was yesterday. It’s been a long week I suppose.

So Olivia…I really don’t know what I’m supposed to do about her. She’s going to homecoming with…guess who? Richard. When I found this out, I nearly threw up on site and scene. This was on Thursday.

I also had my road test on Thursday and he failed me because I can’t parallel park worth shit. Within 10 minutes, I was failed. I detest that man….

Today, I was expecting everything to suck, but I am damn lucky that yesterday wasn’t like today in its entirety.

After the football game, I went to a party. It was a band party, and I must say I was very sorely disappointed that Richard showed up, and my friend Tim didn’t. It’s really too bad Tim was in a really shitty mood because of our awful performance (he’s a section leader and will get his ass chewed off).

Rick, a trumpet play I’ve known likes me for a while…was there. He slipped his arms around me and I just sat there. I didn’t know what to do. I mean, of course I like him…he’s a nice guy. But I don’t think I could start a relationship with him. I just broke up with Justin yesterday.

Then all of a sudden, he asks me out. I didn’t know what to say at all. So I stumbled this out in some shape or form.

I want to be with Linton. He’s a nice guy, and I asked him to homecoming today.

“Hey Linton, come here.” I said to him at lunch. He approached me and smiled. “We don’t know each other very well…but do you want to go to homecoming with me?”

He smiled. “I’ll think about it.”

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?! ‘I’ll think about it’. Then just walk away; leaving me there, with my bag slung over my shoulder, my flute and lunch bag in hand. You’re a senior Linton, I know that. But I really am genuinely interested in you!

I’m genuinely interested in a lot of guys lately I guess. I need to figure out what the hell I’m doing. If I had one serious boyfriend, all of this interest in so many guys would end.

I’ll admit it. Even if Richard is being a complete ass and Olivia an entire bitch, I want to be with Richard. Linton is an extremely close second, if not a tie. The rest is a muddle of people. Zavy (whom I still want to be with, but I feel as if it will never work), Tim, yes, even sometimes Fuka and Olivia.

It’s hard to explain Olivia and Fuka. They both make me feel better about myself like he used to. Olivia has more of that effect on me that Fuka. Last year, it was all Fuka though.

Rotary Interview is tomorrow. If I don't make it, I will lock myself in my room and never come out.

No more explaining. No more thinking. Goodnight.

The story: From what I can piece together.

“Today’s the day!” I said to myself triumphantly. “I will see Richard 4th hour, and I will ask him to homecoming! I’m not worried in the least. I have back-ups don’t I? I’m just hoping I won’t need to use them.”

Fourth hour came around, and I told Olivia what I was doing. Pretty soon, a good amount of people knew because a clarinet player overheard. You can never trust those clarinet players. Stupid bitches that they are….

Getting back on track, by the end of band, everyone in the woodwind section knew about my obsession with one, Mr. Richard Manner, which is pretty nice, seeing as he’s a percussion player.

I was pumped. I stood in the band lobby and watched him come out. ‘Let’s do this thing!’

I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. My stomach became a series of unmanageable knots, my knees to springs. I couldn’t talk and I was struck by a wave of nervousness I’ve never felt before in my life.

I sat with Olivia at lunch too, and Richard sat behind me. Still more nervous than I’ve ever been in my life, and dateless to the fact, I had plotted my attack to ask him after lunch before he went to class.

He got up too early for me to catch him. “Go ask him! Hurry, before he gets away!” Olivia hissed at me. I couldn’t stand up. I couldn’t move.

One more missed opportunity under my belt. Great. I’m really getting far with this approach.

Richard has 7th hour next to mine. I went next door, and Olivia saw me standing there like a complete deer in headlights.

“You ready?” she asked, calmingly.

“Yep.” I said almost determined.

She returned inside to go and get the man of my dreams, and returned…

…saying that he was in a shit mood. “Try when he’s in a better mood.” Olivia said.

My face burned in frustration. I can still feel the heat radiating like sunburn, an hour and a half later.

I stood outside the door again at the end of the day, stubborn as I am, and was going to do it. I was going to ask him, regardless of a shit mood or not. Garret (Trombone) and Austin (Tuba) came out, two senior twins who are in band with Richard, Olivia and myself.

They looked at me and smiled mischievously. “What?” I asked eyeing them warily. They kept smiling, like two Cheshire cats. I narrowed my eyes. “You know? How?”

“Sources.” Austin said.

“Oh I’m going to kill Olivia.” I growled. “Kill her!”

They smiled one last time, and then departed. Enter Olivia, stage right into the hallway.

“You told Garret and Austin?!” I shrieked.

“I didn’t think you’d care, seeing as you told the clarinet section.” Olivia said.

“I didn’t tell them that.” I said confused. Then it hit me. “Great…” I said under my breath.

We walked and talked out to her car. From everything I can piece together, here is my response.

Richard hasn’t had a girl go up to him and say: “Will you go to homecoming with me?” He’s only heard: “My friend really likes you and was wondering…” I’m the first girl to try the direct approach. But I’m not the first person to get to him either. He’s not going with anyone yet, but he has a waiting list of about 3 girls with friends. They’re all saying: “You need to talk to me before making any decisions about homecoming.” And they all did it to him today.

It’s not as bad as it sounds either. I do have a chance. It’s not as hopeless as it looked a few days ago, but if I were to stick with Richard, I’d have to wait for a response, and I want to figure out whom I’m going with before the week is over. The response looks like it’ll be sometime next week.

So I’m cheerfully saying good luck, see you in band, and remember I’m genuinely interested in you. ~Wink~ Call me.

Everyone is being picked over, and I’m damn lucky I have 4 back-up plans that I know share an interest in me. Now my plans include a young man (Okay, he’s a senior too.) named Lyndon. He’s the lights guy for the plays, and we’ve been caught flirting every time we talk. I’m a light girl this year too, so I’ll be able to talk with hang with him all year. He’s no Richard, but I certainly wouldn’t mind a relationship with him.

Third (Don't I sound like a slut?! Christ!), is a tenor sax player in band with him, whom I know likes me. We play cards at lunch, and if I skip a session, he’ll shame me. I’m his Yukon partner. He helped me get ready for our first football game. He’s really nice too. He’s a junior.

Stopping here since I’m entering my third page of rambling.

Goodbye.

Why am I enjoying band so much more than usual? True, Richard is in there, but he was before. Could Olivia possibly have made things more fun just by telling Richard that I like him?

Yesterday night before practice, I was playing football with the rest of the band and I was on whose team? Yes, his. Well his pants were ripped. Don’t worry (not that you would), they were wind pants. But he ripped them entirely and tied the rags of the outer layer around his middle so it looked as if he was a wearing a Speedo on top of his white, see-through liner.

”Dammit, I’m cold.” He said. He then proceeded to run to his car, looking like an absolute fool, wrapped a flannel, green plaid blanket around his waist and held it up with jumper cables.

The funniest thing however, was when the band teacher called all the section leaders up to the front to talk. Richard was saying to another person how no one is taking anything seriously. Seriously Richard, my dear? You’re wearing a blanket that looks very much as if you’re wearing a kilt and it’s being held up with jumper cables. Then you talk about being serious?

I’ve been thinking about this…should I ask Richard to homecoming? I’m a little Sophomore, and he’s a senior, and lots of people like him. Not like him as I do, but like him as a friend. Bottom line, he’s not a popular kid like the preps, but popular because of the number of friends he has and well known because he’s so smart. He reminds me oddly enough of Zavy, whom I’m very sorely disappointed with at the moment.

Am I making any sense? Bottom line, I like Richard, and I want to go to homecoming with him. But I’m so nervous. Thinking about it makes me sick. I want to ask him before it becomes too late, but asking him early makes zero sense. I’ll be seeming desperate, right?

I’m just worried about seeming like a freak. Of course, I pretty much am. His math room is right next to mine and we both have math 7th hour. I peeked through the window from around a corner just to watch him before class. Olivia came up behind me.

“You’re adorable, Annie.” She said smiling at me. I was pretty embarrassed, so I ran into my room next door.

I do have a back-up, but it does appear that I have a taste for older men. My youngest is a Junior. A junior! I need to set my sights a little lower, but hopefully, I won’t have to use a back-up. Please Richard...please.

Oh no, Justin is online. I need to break it off with him. I’m kinda scared. He doesn’t want to go to homecoming with me anyway…. Whatever.

"Okay Annie, here's the deal. I kind of let it slip the other day that one of my girls in the section liked Richard...to the devil himself." Olivia said to me during the first quarter up in the stands.

"You WHAT?!" I screeched.

"Oh he doesn't know it's you. He just knows that one of you does. He keeps bugging me about it!" She said.

I took a bite of my apple, feeling my face burn. Mina slid down and sat next to me.

"So...since he's bugging me so much, can I tell him? I promised I'd ask you, and now that I've asked..." She trailed off.

"Is he single?" I asked, swallowing my bite of apple. Mina giggled.

"Yes, though I'm not exactly sure if he's looking."

I gave it a few minutes silent thought.

"Okay."

We went down onto the field and did our halftime show. I didn't screw up either, but he was watching me from the side lines, and all I did was look at him.

The 4th quarter rolled around and we were kicking some major ass, the football team that is.

"So when are you gonna tell him?" I asked excitedly. I was actually looking foreward to him finding out.

"Listen little girly," Olivia said. "I don't have to tell him. I never have to tell him." I stared at her blankly with a pinch of hurt. She smiled.

"I told him right before half time." She said.

My dad has a picture of Richard. He took a picture of him at the football game for me. He's so wonderful....

He's all I can think about, and it's terrible. I want to be with him, and I really couldn't tell you why. He's a senior, is it totally useless to want to be with him? Would he ever want to be with me? I'm a sophmore. I'm at the bottom of this food chain called high school.

Then again, I am in band, and serious about it. Yet, through all that, I manage to have fun with it. Okay I'm giving myself too much credit.

~Sigh~ Useless Annie...it's useless.

Olivia is taking me to a party next week after the football game. I get to spend time with Richard...

DAMMIT! How can you get someone out of your head?

I can hear you calling Dad, but I don't want to come. Dad? Up here! That's funny, he doesn't hear me at all. Yet, I can can hear him clear as day. I can hear them all down there, gathered around my body-Dad and Dr. Carson and the nurses. I can look down on them like I was looking at a movie, but even if they were to look up from where I see all this, they wouldn't see me.

They think I'm still down there, lying on that hospital bed with my legs broken and my skull fractured. They didn't see me leave.

I don't feel any pain. I haven't since I left my body behind. I felt myself drift gently, up off the bed and toward the ceiling. Above me, still farther away, there's a bright light. It's brighter than a dozen spotlights, and that's where I want to be.

There are people there, beyond that light. I can't make out their faces, but I can sense that they are kind people, loving people, and they want me, of all people, to join them. They'll take care of me and help me. I'll be happy with them.

I want to float now, to go into the light and join the others, but I'm held here, in limbo, just below the ceiling.

I know what holds me here. It's Dad. The look on his face is terrible. The look of grief. I've only seen it once before-the day Mom died. I wonder if Mom looked down on us that day and saw us as I see all this.

How can I do this to him? How can I allow myself to float on, into the happy light, knowing perfectly well that he'll crumble?

I wish there was a way to tell him about the light and the happy people and the vibrations of love and peace. Then he wouldn't have that look on his face. He'd smile.

Dad! I love you Dad, but I'll be happier where I'm going. I'll be safe and...he's crying. Oh, God. My father is crying. For me. He's calling my name.

~Shields eye from the bright light~ I want to come to you kind people. Someday, I will come and gladly. but right now...right now, I'm still needed down below. I hope you understand. Dad...I'm coming back okay?

"Did you hear about the kid who cut his wrists at school and they took him to the hospital?" Brandi asked.

"Because his girlfriend broke up with him?" Tom asked.

"Yeah."

"What kind of fag would slit their wrists?"

"Me." I said calmly.

"What?! What if you went too deep?" Brandi asked.

"Look at me Brandi, look at me! Am I dead?!"

"But..."

"AM I DEAD?!" I yelled.

"No..."

"No, I'm not." I got up and stormed away.

Okay, so I cut my wrists today. I really gotta stop. I went into the audiotorium after lunch, for no reason really and I see Lee, a minor crush sitting in the last row, writing.

"Are you okay?" I ask, leaning down next to his chair.

"Yeah. Are you?" He asked.

"Yes, but you shouldn't care." I said.

"That's kind of rude." He said.

"Well come on. I'm not that important, but thanks for caring."

Amber entered with Kellen. I'm beginning to think that Amber is becoming a bit of a slut.

"Enter Amber stage left." I looked at Lee. "That's my cue to leave."