I must start from the begining I suppose. I went to the doctor on Thursday. He showed me my growth chart and I began to cry. My weight is still in the 'normal' range, but I am overweight for a person of my height. When my doctor say me crying be asked me what was wrong.

"I hate my body! I look in the mirror every morning and feel like crying! I'm huge! I feel bigger than a barn! I want all of it to just....go away!"

"I have a way to fix this." He said.

I sobbed.

"But it won't be easy." He grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled in=out. "You know from math class that if Y and X are equal, it will create a steady line, correct?"

I nodded.

"Well it's the same with weight loss. If you put a certain amount of food in, it has to go out as energy. So if that's equal, you'll maintain the same weight. Follow?"

"Yes."

"Well, if you really want to lose weight, you can either decrease input, increase output, or both. That is why diets are so popular."

So we talked. And I am on the 'Power Protien Diet'. It's almost exactly the same as Atkins, but supposedly, it's way more effective. It includes exercise, but I think I'm overdoing it. It's my second day, and I ran a mile yesterday, a mile today, and biked two miles too. My diet has changed significantly too. I usually eat bread foods, which are now restricted for me. No wonder!

I'm not posting my current weight. No way, no how. I'm afraid this thing will fail. I don't want to fail! I want to be thin! But I can safely tell you, that within three months (My doctor promises) if I keep this up, I'll be back to my 7th grade size.

7th grade size. I say it and it sounds unreal. I remember one time, I was on a date with him and he could fit a single arm around me. Around my entire waist. it doesn't sound like much, especially to me and how I see him now. He's grown a lot I can keep in mind. Ahh fuck, who cares? 7th grade size....

So I hopped on the scales this morning and I swear, they've gotta be wrong. Because they say that I'm down by 7 pounds. It's been two days! Just two fucking days! We need new scales, but dad is too cheap to spring for new ones. The most common phrase in our house is: "Are the scales right?"

Okay! So work sucks, Cory never leaves messages on the answering machiene, I've got work off tomorrow (YES!), I got Sims Superstar (YES AGAIN!), 4th of July is next week (already?!), my pedicure is wearing off, and my muscles ache from doing 3 miles of something today. Hmm yeah, life is boring.

Hello and this is your local forecast. Current conditions in Traverse City are 80 degrees, cloudy, and a 63% humidity level. It’s a great day to go riding around on your bike or hang out with your friends poolside. ~Glances around, then throws down clicker that changes the background forecast~ IF IT WERE FUCKING DAY! I mean, look at this shit! I’d expect stuff like this during the day, and it’s 11:00 in the night! Dammit, I’m hot, sweaty and uncomfortable! ~Is seen running off stage and going to the news desk~

Hello, I’m Stephanie Jones, more commonly known as perfect. And this, is the best 11 o’clock news cast ever and I said ever dammit! It’s quite similar to my Michigan this morning cast, only late at night! Gee, ‘who da thunk it?’

A man was taken to the hospital this morning after shooting himself in the foot while cleaning a gun. Yeah, well get this people, he didn’t think one bullet hole in the foot was big enough, because he fucking did it two more times before he called an ambulance. Obviously a man. I can see him saying ‘Damn! I shoot my god damn foot. Well shit! Here I go again! Okay, that was the third time, maybe I should call 911, ahh fuck, what’s the number again?’ I mean COME ON!

A man is suing Krispy Kreme for an offensive slogan used on a billboard. The slogan read: “Chew you fat bastard! Chew!” with a picture of a doughnut. The Krispy Kreme denied an interview with the wonderful yours truly. I must admit, I’m deeply saddened. I have a few suggestions….

The state of Michigan have decided that it is time to replace warning signs along the road that are near prisons. The signs currently read “Do not pick up hitch-hikers, they may be escaping inmates”. The decision was decided when a man complained there were too many bullet holes in the sign to read it clearly.

Now for sports! The two ‘future shining stars’ for baseball are a Mr. Brandon Puffer and a Mr. Jung Bong. Is this just a coincidence?

The Wilson sporting company is running low on funds. They hope their new slogan will boost quarterly sales. The new slogan is: Get your hands on Wilson’s balls.

A man is suing Krispy Kreme for an offensive slogan used on a billboard. The slogan read: “Chew you fat bastard! Chew!” with a picture of a doughnut. The Krispy Kreme denied an interview with the wonderful yours truly. I must admit, I’m deeply saddened. I have a few suggestions.

~Breaks down crying~ Why?! Why do I live such a lonely and stupid life?! WHY?!

~Snaps back~ I’m going to bed….

Dammit! I'm alone, lonely, horny as all hell (I'm serious, this is bad), tired, and no one is online! DAMMIT!

Ariana AKA: Rini got into contact with me today.

Rini: Hiya Pan-Chan! How’s your summer going?

Me: Okay I guess. I kinda miss school. I never see you guys at work.

Rini: Awww Panny-Chan is lonely! We have to get together then!

Me: Uh….

Rini: Wait! At 4:30 I’m going to the beach with the guy cheerleader, Cody and Sarah. Wanna come?

Me: (Wary) Are they the only ones coming?

Rini: Yep! So are you coming?

Me: (suddenly not so excited to go) Yeah, it'd be cool, but I dunno. I wasn't really invited so I'll stay here.

Rini: No! Come! They won’t mind, and if they do, who cares because I just invited you!

Me: I dunno.

Rini: I’ll call Sarah and tell her that you’re coming!

Me: Don’t bother. It’s okay. Really, I’m quite content sitting at home, playing my flute.

Rini: Okay. That’s cool. So did you finish the 5th Harry Potter?

I really wanted to go. If not for any other reason than to just sit on the beach, close my eyes and pretend I was like the Little Mermaid. Prince Eric would come, sit next to me, tell me my singing was beautiful, only to be matched by my looks (Yeah right).

Why am I recessing? I’m becoming little miss Independent again.

I can see myself standing in a room in shorts and a guys shirt that says ‘Old Navy’ on it and could easily fit my father. My hair is in pigtails and I’m staring down at my sandals. I feel like such a child. I’m feeling scolded. I’m feeling words pour into my ears.

“He never loved you! Why don’t you go die!”

“Look at her! All she does is stand there! She’s worthless!”

“I can’t believe I ever talked to her. What a waste of time!”

“She could have saved herself a lot of trouble is she just would have ended it like she wanted to in the 6th grade!”

And I wake up and I’m screaming. My face is covered in tears and it hurts. It hurts like my whole face is cut and my tears are lemon juice.

I cannot breathe.

I cannot focus.

Get me out.

Don’t touch me.

Don't look at me.

Hold me back from death, and when I recoil, just hold me just you always did.

I haven’t written in ages it feels. To compensate, you’ll find a longer entry than usual.

On Friday night, I went to a party. Yes, it was the Harry Potter party. I was kind of babysitting that night, and I had to follow around the girl named Hailey. While there however, a young man, of my age came up to me. He had on an untamable wig and matching beard. His pants and button up shirt were torn.

“Who am I?” He asked me. I smiled and sipped my caramel mocha. “Hagrid.” I said.

“Yeah! You hafta be Hagrid!” Said Hailey most definitely.

He sighed, sounding agitated. “No! I’m Lupin! In his werewolf form!”

I raised an eyebrow, then laughed. “I see it! That’s really very clever of you.”

“I don’t.” Hailey said bluntly. She began to smack me with her wand on my back.

“What’s your name?” I asked the werewolf after 10 second of staring at each other, and nothing coming out.

“Cory.” He said. I smiled widely.

“Do you like anime?” I asked. This could be my chance. If he liked anime, he could truly be the coolest guy in the store.

“Hell yeah I like anime.” He said.

“Stephie,” Hailey whined. “I wanna go do something.”

I looked back from Hailey to Cory. “Yeah, I really hope I see you again tonight.” He said.

When Hailey and I walked away, she kept hitting me with her wand. “You like him!” Hailey said, giggling. “I shoulda told him. That woulda been soooo funny!”

I smiled at this. “Yeah…it kind of would have been funny.”

“You should ask him out.” She said matter-of-a-factly. Christ, was I that irritating at the age of ten?

Hailey and I floated around the music section, occasionally stopping to discuss musicians. She turned out not to have such terrible taste in music. She loves Good Charlotte, Norah Jones, and a few others. She listed off a few punk rock bands. I was surprised that her mother lets her listen to some of those lyrics.

“Let’s go find your lover, Cory.” She said giggling.

We went through the store, stopping occasionally to check if any manga had arrived since I had been there last. While by the information counter, Hailey went into what seemed like a fit of convulsions. “There he is! He’s right there!” She began jumping up and down.

“Calm down child! Do you really want to see him that badly?” I asked her.

She grabbed my shirt and dragged me over to him.

“Hello again.” Cory said, now taking off his beard and wig. His front tooth was severely chipped, and his lip was cracked in the center, as if it were so chapped that it split apart. His hair was jet black, except for the grown out bleached blond parts. It went down to about the tops of his ears. His eyes were blue (WHAT’S UP WITH ME AND BLUE EYES?! Zavy is the only I liked who didn’t have blue eyes!). All in all, I found him very attractive.

“She likes you.” Hailey blurted out excitedly. I noticed that her large soda had nothing left in it.

“Gee thanks Hailey! I hissed to her.

“Really?” He said, eyeing me again with a trace of a smile on his face. “Can I get your number?” I nodded. He ran off to get some paper and a pencil. When he returned, he handed me to piece of paper. I had never given anyone my phone number under these circumstances before. Meeting someone in a public place like this, catching vibes, and giving him my number. I’ve longed for it, and yet it never happened.

….Well, once, but I was 13, at the mall with Ariana, and talking to him on a pay phone. I was so caught up with him, I told him to go fuck off. It’s probably a good thing too, because he stalked poor Rini and me.

But getting back to subject, Cory wants to go out on a date with me. Rick and I are broken up. I would say it’s not a big loss, because it wasn’t as a boyfriend, but as a friend, I miss him terribly, even if he was a bit of an ass.

Okay so I read my book. I finished it in 24 hours. Wasn’t that hard either. God did I cry for the last three chapters. This especially got me going. Harry was going through his trunk the day after Sirius has died. He was missing him wretchedly. He found a poorly wrapped package in a corner. He opened it and found a mirror.

He turned the mirror over. There on the reverse side was a scribbled note from Sirius.

“This is a two-way mirror. I’ve got the other. If you need to speak to me, just say my name into it; you’ll appear in my mirror and I’ll be able to talk in yours. James (Harry’s dead father) and I used to use them when we were in separate detentions.”

And Harry’s heart began to race…. He looked around to make sure there was nobody else there; the dormitory was quite empty. He looked back at the mirror, raised it in front of his face with trembling hands and said loudly and clearly, “Sirius.”

His breath misted the surface of the glass. He held the mirror even closer, excitement flooding through him, but the eyes blinking back at him through the fog were definitely his own.

He wiped the mirror clear again and said, so that every syllable rang clearly through the room, “Sirius Black!"

Nothing happened…. ‘Sirius didn’t have his mirror on him when he went through the archway,’ said a small voice in Harry’s head. ‘That’s why it’s not working…’

Harry remained quite still for a moment, the hurled the mirror back into the trunk where it shattered. He had been convinced, for a whole shining minute, that he was going to see Sirius, talk to him again….

Jesus, here I go again!

So I cut myself the other night. Blood has never dripped before, but it was running down my arm. It didn’t scare me even remotely. That night was terrible. I would have traded just about anything in the world to die. Then Zavy called and we talked until three in the morning. He helped, though I’m not over it. But it’s time to sleep, and I’ve typed three pages.

I really wonder if I’m crying because Sirius died, or because I’m so fucking lonely.

I’m not depressed much anymore, but today was a bitch to get through. I got myself a new razor, because I’d used the old one so much that it wouldn’t even cut paper. I’m surprised how long I was able to use it for.

Steven got in contact with me today. He told me that he wanted to see me again. I told him that I was scared something was going to happen like last time. He promised not to. My guilt level soared. I said I’m looking for a relationship. I want someone to be there for me, to make me smile, to make me laugh, pull me into a hug and tell me how much I mean to him. He said he was capable. I said no, and that I was sorry. He said he was too.

On Wednesday, I went to work around 2:35. Maureen wanted me to close. I turned the corner on my moped and saw a sexy car, with an even sexier driver,

“Stephanie!” The hot driver shouted and waved to me. I recognized him immediately. It was Mark Kerchart, Jake’s older brother. Jake was a close friend of mine in elementary school, but I never really got to see him much after I went into the 8th grade. He moved into the U.P. in October of that year. Before then, Jake and I were almost always together.

Jake was a crybaby though. If you’d say a joke towards him, he’d get upset, maybe even cry. If you’d hit him, ditto.

But going back to Mark as well. I was shocked that they came from the same gene pool. They weren’t even half-brothers or stepbrothers, full-blooded brothers is what they are. Mark was tall (about 6’ 2” in the 9th grade), skinny, clear and bright blue eyes, mature looking, brown, almost black hair, straight teeth, fiery personality…he was like this beautiful god in some fairy tale of life. I pined for him day and night! My closest friends can vouch for that.

Little Jake on the other hand, was same size as me (for a guy, that’s pretty short), medium build, geeky looking glasses, blue eyes flecked with brown, crooked teeth, sandy tan hair, and looked like a little boy. We got along surprisingly well, until I’d push him playfully.

“God,” I whisper to myself as I increased the speed on my moped. “I really hope that it wasn’t Mark!”

So I went to work, vacuumed, dusted, cleaned bathrooms, and so on. I got home around 5 and changed into an old sweatshirt and PJ pants. Around 8 pm I went to the fridge to get a pudding. A knock on the door came, and I glanced through the window. Involuntarily, my body seized up. Was that the hot, sexy, beautiful, gorgeous Mark Kerchart on my fucking doorstep?!

I dropped my pudding in shock. I nervously took out my ponytail and re-did it. Carefully and slowly I opened the door. I peeked out nervously. His face softened when I opened the door all the way.

“Stephanie?” His voice came out softly.

‘This isn’t Mark,’ I thought. ‘This guy’s eyes are different. They’re blue with…brown flecks.’

“Jake?” I whispered in utter shock. He nodded and smiled widely. I laughed and threw my arms around him, we held each other for a while. “Oh my god!” We kept saying to each other.

He’d changed so much! He looked amazing and had lost the glasses. His personality went through the roof and he was so much more fun to be with!

So we spent all of Thursday afternoon together. We went out on my moped, and stopped for gas. When in the gas station, we saw condoms, and contemplated getting them because we wanted to see the reaction of the clerk (Oh come on! We had extra money to burn!). The guy ahead of us in line saw what we were doing. When we had paid and went outside, the man who was ahead of us tapped me on the shoulder and said: “Aren’t you a little young to be fooling around and having sex?” We started laughing.

He’s no longer sensitive if you can’t tell. In fact, when we were just hanging out in his room downstairs and listening to music, I smacked him with a pillow. He whacked me over the head. At this time, he tackled me and pinned me to the bed and I couldn’t stop laughing.

“Do you know how bad it would look if anyone walked in and saw this?” I asked, gasping for breath after laughing so hard.

“I don’t care, and they’d probably think nothing of it. Now if this was you, they might freak out. You’re just worried about Mark and your chances with him!” He said.

“Nuh uh!” I whined. “I beg to differ. I’m not worried about Mark.”

His original plans said that he would have left this morning, but he asked his parents if he could stay another week because he was able to get in contact with me. He never called me with his response. So he may be in town, he may not. He’s had plans everyday this weekend from Friday to today. His sister was having a graduation party on Saturday, and on Friday, he had to stay with his family all day.

Yeah I wanna hang out with him, but he’s here for family, not me. That’s cool.

Colt kissed me, just to let ya know. Last day of school, last two minutes of being a freshman.

I hate the age I'm in! I want to be 4 years old, run up to my mum (when she never yelled at me, but had a firm hand), grab the stubby ponytail and suck on it. She would hold me close, rub my back and wouldn't even tell me that sucking on the tip of my ponytail was something only babies do.

I don't want to leave Junior High. I don't want him to forget about me. I don't want...that one girl to have....that one guy. It's pissing me off. I haven't wanted to cut my wrists more.

And I only have 3 days left....

God it’s hot in here! Of course, I did just finish my running and exercise for the night. Seven minutes straight. It’s certainly not up to my usual, but I got so bored! I usually have my TV on in front of me and I watch that and run so I can keep going (Sometimes I can tell myself just to make it to one part of the movie or the next commercial break. It really works). Three minutes in, that little room was getting hot, so I stripped down and ran in my sports bra and pants. That was actually nice.

So my first day on the job was today. God, do my ankles hurt (and yet I ran, how stupid….)! I sat down for about 30 minutes total in that 6 hour period. I ran the cash register and saw two people I knew. My own mother and Nana. How lame, I desperately wanted a friend to come in and in the least smile at me. But what can you do? That’s okay.

Same shift tomorrow. 8 am to 2 pm. I’m a little nervous about tomorrow. At the height of the day today, I had five people waiting for their bills. It didn’t help when they had discount cards, a gift certificate, wanted three cookies that he kept forgetting to name, and a credit card. (No lie. This man pissed me right off. He harassed me because I took 5 minutes to ring up all of that. It’s a long process for a gift certificate! Not to mention, his credit card took two minutes to approve!) I refused to even say goodbye to him. I’m lucky the rest paid with check or cash. I like checks best.

So I’m going to sleep. I stayed up until 1 last night with him on the phone. The bastard made me so guilty, I couldn’t leave him! I’ll kill him.

My mind is heavy. Too many things weigh upon it. With a combination of my five confessions, him and Princess Meri, deciding to be nice to Princess Meri, Ariana talking about getting a boyfriend (which would draw Ariana even closer to Princess than they are now, she even has one picked out, and she knows he likes her), everything really.

At lunch, I got s confused by everything; I put my head down and talked to myself, forgetting completely that I wasn’t covering up my British ethnicity in my voice. It usually helps a lot, to hear my own voice talk about my body’s own demise. I’m actually very optimistic when I talk to myself. Even when I say repeatedly that the ‘special someone’ will never love me, I always feel so much better.

But I had my head down and I repeated: “He won’t love me, he loves her, I love him, I hate her. It’s a goddamn love triangle.” I shivered. I got depressed. I don’t get it!

Most would say, “No wonder you’re depressed! Listen to how you speak!” No no no! You don’t understand! This makes me feel better! Okay, yeah I’m a fruit. Whatever. Grasping reality I guess.

…. Later.

My fifth love confession! Oh the drama! Oh the passion! Oh the raging hormones in the 9th grade students because spring scent is in the air!

I've mention Justin before. He's in my resource and was at one time, my enemy. He was always such a bastard. So stuck up, such a god damn redneck! I honestly thought he was gay. Over the year, after a few fights, I was able to talk to him without smacking his arm. We started talking more, and he was the first person I told about Colt. He found it funny for some reason, the asshole. He poked Colt in the back and told him! I nearly killed the son of a bitch!

But I thought the only way to win this war against him, was to smother him with kindness. I smiled at him, winced when he made fun of me, occasionally hugged him, but didn't let my guard down. I even flirted. Well, half of the time I didn't even try, it comes by nature I suppose. We were sitting next to each other in resource today, he put his arm around me. He'd been acting nice around me lately. I found it wierd.

"You like me don't you?" I asked, smiling at him.

"Yeah." He said immediately, boldly, and laughed slightly to himself. He didn't look at me.

"I knew it!!!" I said to him. I laughed. "How did I know!"

He asked for my yearbook, I fished it out of my backpack and handed it to him, along with a pen. He added on to his old note. 'Call me.' It said. 'And if your online and see me, IM me.' He gave me his screenname.

This is wierd! I asked my Mom, and she said it's most likely because this is a huge time for us. We're leaving 9th grade, going to the high school, etc. All of us are feeling overly brave I suppose. I'm really not sure. I personally think it's the spring air.

I stuck duct tape in his hair today. Listen sweetheart, I'm reaaaaaally sorry. I can't even begin to express it. I was being a total bitch. If I could take it back, I really would. I was actually attempting to flirt. I know! I'm really bad at it aren't I?! PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGY!

Steven got in contact with my yesterday. He IMed me on AOL. I was really cold toward him, but typing, well it doesn't get the point across. Turthfully, I could be typing this and you have absoluetly zero ideas of where I put sarcasm and emphasis unless I told you. That's the only reason I hate putting my opinion on the internet, I use subtle and bitchy ways to get my point across. More often than not, I find myself explaining stuff to my readers.

But moving right along.

It feels like yesterday should have been Friday. I'm actually not sure what day it is. That's how certain I am that it's Friday, though I know it's not....okay I'll stop rambling. The computer says it's Wedensday. Hump day. My 2nd grade said Wedensday was hump day. At the age of 8, I understood 'hump' as a sexual term. I never used 'hump day' in place of Wedensday.

So, if today is in fact Wedensday, tomorrow is Thursday (No shit sherlock), which means I have my first employee meeting tomorrow at 4. Not to mention awards ceremony for graduating with honors. I'm proud to announce that after last year and my 2.5's left and right (my depression really took a toll on my GPA), I'm graduating with a 3.5. You may appauld now.

"Over and over I`ve dreamed of this night,
Now you`re here by my side,
You are next to me.
I want to hold you, and touch you, and taste you.
And make you want no one but me...."

Enrique Iglesias
"Could I Have This Kiss Forever"

I won my Spanish competition. Well, my group did, for the semester. For a treat, we were sent to La Senorita's, a local Mexican restaurant for lunch today. I hadn't been feeling too good all day. Whether it was a stomach cramp or the need to bolt for the bathroom, bottom line was I just didn’t feel good.

Despite that, I ordered a virgin lime Margarita and it settled my stomach, so I ordered a Nacho Grande and shared it with the girl next to me, Aimee. We all laughed and joked around about almost everything. Halfway through, I started feeling like shit again. I stopped eating and sipped on my Margarita. I was fine again. I attempted to finish, but I went to the bathroom and threw everything I had just eaten, back up again.

I went back to the table and people were worried that I had been crying because my eyes were watering and puffy. I spent five minutes convincing them I wasn’t crying. I never did tell them what I did. While people are eating, it’s not a kind thing to do. I did finish my Margarita though.

God….I gotta go. I feel like shit again.

Define molestation. mo les·ta tion- to subject to unwanted or improper sexual activity.

So, does it mean I was molested?

I was in my camper around 12:30 and watching Princess Mononoke, wrapped up in an overly large, purple, squashy blanket. A knock comes to my door and I open it. It’s Steven. He comes in and he sits down. About five minutes later, he puts his arm around me. I find it a little weird, but I don’t care much. He says that he got the ball rolling, so I should keep it that way. I don’t act.

And suddenly I find him kissing me. My mouth is forced open and his tongue is invading my mouth. I could have stopped him. It was uncomfortable, but I guess I was scared. He got on top of me and I couldn’t breathe. I thought of crying out for help, but it was going to be useless for two reasons. My house was asleep, and even if they were awake, I was outside in the camper, and unless the windows are open (which they weren’t), you can’t hear anything, and two, if my parents saw, they’d get the wrong idea. They’d think I provoked him to do it.

His hand slides up my shirt and up under my bra (I sleep in my bra) and he gropes. Again I could have stopped him. His mouth goes to where his hand was. I wanted to slap him, push him away, but I was scared shitless. He was so aggressive, if I told him no, he probably wouldn’t have stopped. I let out whimpers of fright, which he mistook for moans of pleasure.

I couldn’t move. He had an unfair amount of leverage, and the more I tried to shake free, the more trapped I seemed to get. So I gave up. I let him win. I let him do whatever he wanted to me. I did this with him before, I wasn’t foreign to this sort of thing, but we’re comparing a 5 foot 9 or 10 inch 15-year-old with a 23-year-old, full grown 6 foot 2 inch full frown man. It’s like comparing a chicken to a tyrannosaurus rex. (not implying that he's a chicken in the least, I’m trying my best to contrast.)

He took off my pants and touched me in places only he ever really even knew about. I felt so violated when he left. I felt disgustingly dirty. I went inside and washed my hands about three times. I considered showering, but that would wake up my parents. I went back out into the camper and wrapped up in three blankets. Two were comforters and one was a down comforter. Normally, just the down comforter is warm enough or too warm, but I had all three around me and I was shivering my ass off.

Was I molested? I wasn’t raped, because there wasn’t sex as in intercourse. Was I even violated? This happens to one out of every four girls, right? So it’d be nothing to worry about. Then why do I feel this way?

“Tell someone of authority!” I can hear you say. No. No thank you. I really don’t want anyone except for my best friend to know. They’d make me talk about it. I’ll be fine by myself. I got through my depression okay, didn’t I? Yes, I did thank you!

Listen, if you know me personally, don’t tell anyone okay? I’m just trying to voice what happened so that I may cope with it. It’ll help. I’ll be fine. I promise. Don’t tell anyone!!!!!!

Boredom has taken a firm grasp on my life and it’s jerking me around by the hair. I’m almost looking forward to going to school tomorrow. Only 12 more days until I’m out of the middle school format of things and I’m finally up at the high school.

I’ll be marching with my piccolo (I really hope. I’m telling my major/majorette I don’t have a flute. I’m not a liar! My mother told me to say that…) as a true Trojan. I’m going to burn everything, including papers I still have from the 7th grade. Not to mention, I’m gonna flip off my principal for being such a prick. June 13th, I can’t wait.

It is terribly bittersweet though. I have a bunch of wonderful memories at East. I remember so many things; I can’t even list them all. Him, Kyle, Bryan (moving away from guys), band, Spanish with Senora Herzberg and Mahan, Mr. Bell, being taken off of my depression pills, being diagnosed with depression, play try-outs with Zavy, play call-backs, being told I was in the play, West cast with Laney, Chris, Dennis and Zavy, Dun cast with Maddy, light crew with him, lunches at the table, mornings in my science rooms, anti-farewell freshmen, asked to farewell freshmen, going to farewell freshmen, karaoke in the gym, three dried red roses in my room, football games, Bryan getting drunk, cheering David, #85 on because I was head over heels in love with him at football games, meeting Kendall….There is so much more. So very much more…I should make a complete list.

“All things must come and go,
They will dissipate and die.
And irony! It’s how this feels,
It’s like I’m empty inside.”

Me
6th grade, my farewell poem to elementary school

Do you remember at the beginning of the year in elementary school when you got all your new sharp pencils, new ruler, new notebooks, new bottle of glue, blah, blah, blah? Remember about halfway through the year you get really bored in class and began making a glue ball with that glue? I recently bought a bottle of glue and began another glue ball. I’ve never gotten one this big before. When I was in class, I always got mine taken away, so they got up to the size of a dime if I was lucky. This one is bigger than a quarter and is approaching half dollar size. I’m such a lame ass.

I saw him yesterday at the mall with another girl. The girl is a friend of mine. Her name is Bridgett. Mother pointed them out to me and she said I turned white as snow, except for my jaw line, which was a bright red. They waved to me. “Go in and talk to him Steph…” She said.

“No. I can’t.” I said.

“Why not?” She asked.

Yes indeed, why not? I was scared. I was afraid for the very worst. He wasn’t going out with…. no. Of course not! He wouldn't! Heh…yes he would. I took a hard right and went into the store. We talked for a little bit.

And I told him about Rick. He was cool about it, but Bridgett seemed…well…somewhat jealous. She did after all go to Farewell with him. I don’t know what made me do it. Yes, I suppose I do. Complete, total, and utter jealousy. I wanted to be the one who was there with him, hanging out at the mall with him and I wasn’t. I was with my god-forsaken mother! We never do anything together anymore. That ended when we ended.

He said he saw Colt there too. He didn’t mention me. We’re fighting, Colt and I. He’s pissed that I got him to admit he likes me, pissed that I’m going out with Rick, pissed that I’m right about him being a chicken shit when it comes to girls…. Almost everything it seems.

And I raise my glass. Here’s to adolescence.