Jake came up this weekend, and from Friday to this morning, we were inseperable. All of a sudden, I'm not the little girl I was before he came up here. Get my drift? Twice.

We had such a great time! I really didn't him to leave. I wanted him to stay here forever, to go to school with me, to sleep in my bed, to...yeah! Just be here.

Ya know, I'd have thought I'd have so much to say, but I really don't. We had a bunch of fun, no doubt about it. We watched movies last night and then went into the other room for a few minutes....ahem! And on Friday night, we went downtown to look at the Christmas lights.

Yesterday was a riot. We saw a group of three Inbound and two Outbound exchange students downtown and we watched an Inbound and Outbound get their ear pierced. We went out to the mall. I bought my parents a DVD player for Christmas...or the holidays, whatever, a DVD for Jake's birthday, my last manga book (Anything but my last manga...now what'll I read?), a scarf with Hello Kitty on it, and a t-shirt with Hello Kitty on it. Hello Kitty....c'mon, how can you say no to her?

Jake bought a hat. When he put it on with his trenchcoat, he looked pretty hot...okay it's not like he wasn't previously, but ya know what I mean.

I'm going down there for Christmas. I can't wait to meet all of his friends that he speaks so highly of.

Sigh.... I miss him. I'll see him soon though.

I had a dream last night...

It was during band camp and Allison, my drum major and I were having one on one flute sessions. I was the 'teacher' of course. She was playing my flute because she forgot hers at home that day.

Suddenly, her face isn't as cheerful, her smile isn't as bright. She sets my flute on a jacket on the floor. She says she'll be back in a minute. I look out the second story window from the sitting on the floor. Allison doesn't come back for a while. I look down at Chibi (my old flute) and get worried. I follow the path that Allison took, leaving my old flute on the jacket she set it on.

I finally end up in the band room again, hoping that she was in there. Everyone looks at me when I enter. No one looks angry, sad, or any other emotion. In fact they were totally void of emotion, but they were all standing still and whispering.

"What's going on?" I ask Laura Piskor, the trumpet section leader.

"Annie, Allison killed herself." She said. I was shocked that Laura wasn't crying. Her and Allison were friends.

My eyes fill with tears. I'm so incredibly hurt. I was shocked at how much I hurt because she wasn't alive. In my suicide note I wrote a few weeks ago, I told her that I knew she talks behind my back and it hurts me.

I look over at Audrey. Surely she would be sobbing uncontrolably like I was, she was her best friend. She was void of emotion too. I ran back upstairs to the place Allison and I practiced in the hallway. I picked up Chibi and held her, crying madly.

Allison's face crossed my mind. Her hair was golden blonde, and in pigtails. There wasn't a smile on her face, but a look of knowledge, and suddenly I knew she felt the way I felt when I tried to kill myself. I felt awful.

I slept in that spot that night.

The next morning, school had started, and I skipped class all day. I talked to Kyle, and after talking to him, I realized i was the only one mourning Allison's death. No one else really even gave a shit.

Then I woke up.

I think when I see Allison on Monday, I'll want to hug her...but I know I won't. I'll want to apologize, and I know I won't. So it'll be the old standby. She'll talk about me to Audrey about me, but I'll be different.

I'll know that if Allison died tomorrow, how devistated I'd be.

Happy Thanksgiving. Okay, so I'm late by 45 minutes....

Ya know how much I hate the holidays? Any of my readers from a year ago can remember how freaky I went when I saw the thing I wanted to get him for Christmas last year. Any of you who haven't read for that long...you're damn lucky. It was a very scary thing.

I've been feeling depressed lately, which is kinda wierd. Normally I can think of Jake and be fine. I can think of how much he loves me, and how happy he'll be when we see each other tomorrow, but nothing. It doesn't help. I want to be with him all the time. I want to have his kids.

But back to the dread of hoildays (which may be the root of this spuratic depression). I tend to get what I want, but that's not what I really truely want inside. I don't care about material things (though a ring would be nice). If for the holidays what I could get would be to give something to everyone and see that they'd like it and/or use it everyday, I'd rather have that satisfaction than getting a present. People made happy by Annie = Happy Annie.

My birthday is drawing closer, and I'd getting excited, I'll grant you that much. I just want my license. License, money, new car seat covers (Which reminds me...I should check out ebay), and a CD to throw in the stereo, because god knows there's nothing good on the radio...almost ever.

I think I'm gonna quit my job. My boss Mo quit, and she works with my Dad at the TV station now. Our new boss...is a fucking pig. I detest the man! He treats me like I'm his...love slave or something! The man needs to be taken out back and shot. The bastard....

Very lucky am I to have this weekend off. Jake and I are going to take advantage of this. Who knows when we'll see each other again? Tomorrow night we're going and seeing the tree being lit downtown. Of course, we don't really have much of an option, Dad is MCing the event. Moral support and what not. Morals. Ha.

My laptop clock is in perfect sync with my alarm clock. I never knew that. It's merely a coincidence. Huh....

On Tuesday we had a party for the band fruits. It was a full course dinner, awards, and music. The flutes won 'the inaudible award' and the 'can't march worth a fuck award'. Erm...yay? Anyway, the individual people awards didn't happen to include me. I won 'Best Musician' two years ago. That was the last time we did the awards.

Yeah, sure okay then.

Jake will be here in under 24 hours. Arg. I want him here now. We're gonna go out and have fun. Lots and lots. Heh...

With that said, it's obvious that I may not be able to get into this beautiful system to update. Not like you guys expect many updates anymore, cause I'm a fucking ditz and can't remember to do it.

Ya know, I'm tired. Wierd. I could fall asleep with this thing in my lap, listening to Black Eyed Peas on the shitty audio system. It's almost appealing....hm. No. My parents are paying for this internet usage. It'd be a waste. Woah...what am I smoking? Since when have I cared about my parents?

Yeah okay...sleep. I forgot that it may be helpful.

Her note is almost complete. She rereads the messy lines. She never really was one to write neatly when in a hurry. Such a hurry these days. Everything has to happen so fast. Boom, boom, boom. Right in a row. Even at 11 o' clock at night, she was in a hurry.

Last line complete, she folds it neatly, and place it on her pillow. She sits up in her bed with a glass of ice cold water by her side to help her. Cut, cut, cut on one wrist. She hold the glass of water on the cuts. 'Research is a beautiful thing. If you keep your cuts underwater, they won't close up, but just continue bleeding.' She thought wistfully.

Yes, just continue bleeding.

Now for the other. She doesn't stop at her wrist, but continues farther down, going to her elbow, and making sure she gets the vein that stuck out there. Again, the water was held on her elbow cut. The water turned a deep red, and an odd satisfaction overcame her.

Yes, just continue bleeding.

Blood was dripping down her arm. She was gasping for breath. She was finally doing it. She was finally getting what she had wanted for so long.

And no one would be there to see how beautifully everything was going. Time for the finale. She picked up te bottle of asprin, shook out a handful, and swallowed them all.

She smiled. What kind of suicide would this be without alcohol of any sort? She lifted the bottle of vodka, took a long swig and winced at the taste when she was done.

She picked up the phone and dialed the number she knew so well.

"Hello?" A familiar voice answers.

"Hey."

"Can't sleep?"

"Just wanted to say goodnight." She said, her voice cracking.

"Err...okay. Goodnight."

She hung up the phone. He wouldn't find out, maybe for a day or two, that she was gone. Dead.

She became unexplainably exhausted and put her head down on her pillow. This is what it's like to die? It's so warm.

She felt herself slip away....

...And heard her alarm clock ring the next morning.

No school for little Annie. Such a shame. Ha. Not to say that school wasn't in session. I'm ill. Hacking coughs, etc.... Whatever. I really don't feel well though.

It's kinda a relief though to be able to stay home and to just relax. I wrote a new chapter today in my fan-fic, which I haven't done in months. My readers will be pleased.

Ya know, I haven't looked longingly to my wrists since I met Jake, and it's been almost two weeks. That's unheard of for me. The thought of death anymore is fucking insane since I have him.

Last night we talked on the phone for about an hour. We hung up at about 12:10. I got a phone call about five minutes later from him.

"I love you." He immediately said to me.

"I love you too,"I said. "Is that why you called?"

"Well, is that a good enough excuse? That I love you?" He asked. I could tell he was smiling.

"Yeah, it's good enough for me." I smiled.

I can't believe I'm saying this...but I'm glad that I'm alive.

There was a stabbing in a little town about 60 minutes away from here by car. A man was supposedly pumping gas or something and a man came up behind him and stabbed him 39 times. The man is dead, and my mother went to school with him.

On a lighter side, I recieved a letter.

Dear Stephanie,

I am very please to inform you that the District 6290 Youth Exchange Committee has approved your appplication to be a Rotary Youth Exchange Student. Congratulations!

So I made it! I wonder what Jake is doing, where he is, if he got his letter.... I can't stop thinking about him. Is he the one?! I can't believe I'm saying this....but I really think he might be! How exciting do you think that is? My mom said that she knew that she wanted to be in his life the second she met my dad, and I feel that way towards Jake. Could be possibly feel the same way? Who knows. I just want a phone call right now.

Jake couldn't possibly not make it right? I mean, he's the perfect canidate. He's a drum major, a genius alto sax player, an actor, and his grades are better than I could achieve. I'm so jealous of him, and if any other girl had him, I think I'd just about die. How did I get so lucky? Why in hell did he choose me?

We talked about moving in together when I get out of school, possibly even get married. Married? I haven't talked about getting married since I broke up with him. And kids? We've even briefly touched on that subject.

Save the whole speech on the fact that I'm 'just a kid', because I know very damn well what I'm doing. Ask anyone I know, if I'm going to commit to something, I stick with it. That may be part of my depression/bipolar/suicide problem.... But I don't give up and I believe in second chances and all that good shit. I have the personality to make anything work it seems.

Augh, I'm so incredibly taken with this boy, it's like I'm blind.

My friend Jessica that I made in Tustin when I was down there for my exchange student program, didn't make it to the final cut. She's no longer an outbound canidate, but rather just a regular student. I guess she got a phone call. That part is peculiar, since the Rotary doesn't call, but rather sends letters. The letter will either read "you were accepted" or "you weren't accepted". Is it possible that someone was fucking with her?

I sent her this letter:

What do you mean you're not going?! You got a phone call?! I can't believe you weren't accepted! Can you think of why you weren't?

Now I'm really scared. If you weren't accepted I sure as hell wasn't.

You really need to try again Jessie! Jake, did you possibly get a phone call or your letter yet?

I've been deathly afraid lately about this whole exchange thing lately. I'm not wavering a bit that I don't want to do this, cause I do, but I was afraid this was going to happen if I met these people who are on exchange. These people are pretty much fluent in English, and it's only their 4th month here! I'm not a slow learner, but what if I'm stuck someplace, no money, no phone, no anything and all the people around me speak some foreign language?! They say you need to sit down and cry, regardless of pride, but put the pride aside, I'd be scared shitless and feel stupid!

And now more than ever I'm regretting Iceland as my number one, and the worst part is, I was told I'll most likely get it from my YEO! I had no idea people from Iceland spoke Icelandic until I went to the conference....Oh God. I'm going to spiral into a panic attack.

But I'm being terribly selfish. Jessica, I want you to give me a call. If you don't want the long distance bill, e-mail me back with your number. Mine is: (***)-***-****.

I'm still in complete shock that you didn't get in. Dear God! Is it possible someone was playing a joke on you? It has to be.....

I g2g. So sorry Jessie!

Annie-Chan

She didn't make it, and it just blew me away.

Jacob and I talked until about midnight last night, and god that was great. We talked about everything, and he's really serious on a commitment with me. He's hoping he can find a place up here and possibly go to Central with me when he get's back from exchange! I can't tell you when I've ever been happier. Okay I can, but that was the three days I was with him in Tustin.

I got so depressed today during lunch because I didn't have anyone with me that I could really talk to. Valerie is pissed at me because I told her she needs to not be so busy, I wanted to avoid Rick because he's really getting on my case, and I'm certainly NOT going to sit with him. I haven't talked to him since the night I cut my wrists and took a mouthful of aspirin. Ya know, I still wonder how I was able to get down that much aspirin that night.

Anyway I stayed in the band room and wrote. Coincidently enough, Rick was avoiding me, because I've been known to have a nasty temper with him. But that's not really the coincidence. It's the fact that he too stayed in the band room.

As I write this, I sit on my bed, looking at a picture of my 9th grade class on the wall. The jocks in the back row, with their shirt sleeves rolled up to show off their 'muscles', the stoners in the front row and up the middle, the preps in the second and third rows, the wannabes scattered here and there...then I look and see Kendall and I, four rows up. Her tongue is hanging out like she was gagging and she was looking at the preps. My arms is around her shoulders and I'm smiling mischievously.

I love her and miss her terribly, but sometimes I think that there has to be a reason why she moved. The power that controls my life might actually have a plan for me. Is it possible do you think? I can tell you one thing. She lives near Jacob, and when I go to visit her, I can guarantee you that I'll be at Jacob's house too. It's like killing two birds with one stone. It's a beautiful thing.

I apologize for the gushing and the excitement, but this is truely amazing. I feel loved, and nothing really even needs to be said to prove it. I can hear it in his voice.

Where have you been all my life?

Kendall,

Well, I just got home from Tustin. Boy do I have news for you! We both know about me and my boys, it's almost like an obsession. Let me tell you about this boy, whom has already changed my life. His name is Jacob.

I can't think of anyone except for him. I can't believe all of this is really happening. I met him a little over 24 hours ago (when I wrote this). Friday night I was finally able to get to sleep at 2:30 am because all I could think about was him. I had to wake up 3 hours later to get to breakfast on time. Ouch.

I saw an older looking kid step towards my group of socialites I was talking to. My legs felt weak. Before I could control all other functions, I flashed him the sweetest, cutest smile I could possibly supply. His hair was long and blonde, down to his cheek bones, about 5' 10" tall, a medium/muscular build, a bit of a trimmed mustache and goatee (also blonde), and bright blue eyes I easily could get lost in.

It turns out, we're so incredibly similar. He plays in band, but plays the alto saxophone. He's a drum major too. He loves anime with a burning passion and Princess Mononoke is his favorite movie too. His birthday is also December 15. He's hypoglycemic too and his first choice for countries is Iceland too. So how can you say 'hell yeah' in Icelandic?

Our first night, we hung out in a building all my ourselves and practiced his lines for his play and we played our instruments too. Well, we weren't entirely alone. We had a friend and her name is Jessica Tardy. I sat on the floor next to his chair and he massaged my shoulders.

The second night, there was a dance, and we certainly weren't rated G when we danced. I can't even count how many times we kissed, and even that wasn't innocent. We spent every minute of time we could together. And so now...he's my boyfriend! He lives in Cedar Springs, down by you....kinda! Well, anyway I'm so excited!

Kendall, I'm serious on this one. I really think he's the one. Whenever I think of him, I feel this wonderful feeling in the bottom of my stomach. I can't imagine being without him. This sucks! I wanna be with him!

My flute came yesterday, but the post office kept it until we could pick it up, which was today. It's just as perfect as I had imagined.

I'm feeling so wretchedly lonely. I want to be held like I'm loved, not held at arms length like is happening. But there's a catch to this whole thing. I want to be held close by someone I like. Some catch hm? So in other words 'Get another dream. No one will ever love you the way you love them. Go to your room, shut the door and practice your flute some more or something.'

Tomorrow we have a conference downstate for exchange student. A talent show is included, so I'm bringing Tenshi down (I've decided that this is my new flute's name) and we're doing 'America The Beautiful'. I really hope we're on good terms tomorrow. Such as we were today.

"There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing,
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending,
Controlling, I can't seem,
To find myself again,
My walls are closing in
Without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced,
That there's just too much pressure to take,
I've felt this way before,
So insecure."

Linkin Park "Crawling"

I was told that I was beautiful tonight by a guy who asked for my picture online. I hate to sound conceited, but I get that a lot. They then proceed to ask if I'm a virgin, if I'm seeing anyone, how far I'm willing to go on a first date. I feel terribly washed up and used by the end of our conversation.

So, I haven't even mentioned anything about Dan. My now ex-boyfriend? I suppose he didn't like me. He 'barely even knew me'. That's kinda funny, seeing as we went to kindergarten together.

Barely know? I barely know Bill, yet I want to know him, and well. He's a nice guy, which is obvious seeing as I'm trying to get hooked up with him. Val told him I like him last night, and he's been watching me a lot more closely, and looking at me as if I were about to bite him. I think it'd be amusing to go up to him and tell him I have no intentions of doing so, but rather that I'm sure I'm ten times for embarrassed than he is about the whole situation.

The biggest problem has to do with my friends. None of them are overly fond of him, even Val who was a co-section leader with him for marching band is even questioning my intentions. Not that I can blame her.

Tim hates him because of a bickering match they held because Tim is a junior section leader, and Bill said he had better not get cocky over it.

Rick doesn't like him because...well I like Bill. I'm not saying I dislike Rick, but the like is in two totally different manners. Bill is someone I could see as boyfriend worthy, but Rick...well what can I say? We tried and I was so unhappy with the whole thing...especially how things turned out.

Phil shouldn't count, but seeing as he sits at then lunch table with us, it's natural that we'd hear him. Bill is his section leader, and Phil doesn't like him becasue he's so 'intense'. He marks time while doing scales. Well sorry, but I must admit that I'm guilty of that sin. I can't see where Phil says that he's intense. I can't see it. Whenever we talk, he always loosens up and we talk and laugh together.

Just the other night, I fell asleep on the bus coming home from Rockford, and he saw me rubbing my eyes and whinning. He smiled and laughed.

"Ya know, I was all happy and warm. But now I'm not." I said.

"What happened?" He asked.

"I woke up." I whinned. He laughed hysterically. He must have been really tired to laugh at something I said. I'm not entertaining, especially when I'm nearly asleep.

Okay I take that back. Here's a little known secret, when I just wake up in the morning, I tend to waddle for about half an hour.

No school tomorrow. I'm taking complete advantage of this. I'm shooting the alarm clock. But now I have to get my laundry ready to be packed. Good night.

I have a headache again. Every time I cry anymore I get an awful headache that won’t go away until morning.

Why was I crying this time? Obviously I’m still hurting from Fuka leaving. But that’s not the biggest thing that’s wrenching my heart.

He has a girlfriend now, and I had no idea. We were talking last night on the phone and he said “What are you going to do when I get a girlfriend?”

I said. “I know it’s going to happen eventually. One day, you’ll meet the woman you’ll marry, and I’m probably be there and smiling and patting you on the back congratulating you.”

“No, what are you gonna feel?”

I didn’t speak. He caught me on the technicality. “I’m gonna feel like shit. Like I want to die.”

“Why? I’ve gone through you seeing other guys and I’ve been fine with it.” He said.

“Well you don’t like me still. There’s a difference.”

He said we may even get back together….

Then I go into 2nd hour almost chipper, then Ashly shows me pictures that she got taken in a photo booth. He was in all of them.

“You went and did something with him this weekend?” I asked.

“Yeah.” She said smiling widely. “We’re seeing each other.”

The girl sitting across from me started talking, but it became a high-pitched mosquito whine. My eyes were burning, and the next thing I know, I was outside of the girl’s bathroom and sobbing my story to Bryan…my ex. Naomi came along and we went for a walk, a long walk. It lasted half of the hour. Naomi gave me the number of his classroom she found in the office, telling me that the rest was my decision.

I almost did it. I almost went into his second hour, gotten him into the hallway and yelled at him until I suffocated. Ms. Tegel found me first. She saw my eyes and my face were bright red, and I was told I should go to the bathroom, go to class or I was welcome to come talk to her in her room.

I chose the bathroom. I cried and cried and cried until I couldn’t breath anymore. I started trying to cut my wrists on the sharp part of the toilet paper holder. My left wrist is red and raw from it.

I went to Ms. Tegel and told her I couldn’t be in Ashly’s class anymore. So I was transferred and now I have a different schedule. I’m starting my new schedule tomorrow and I was honestly shocked at how fast it was able to go.

I confronted him at lunch and we had a rather tearful conversation. I told him I was pissed that he didn’t tell me, that I felt like a total slut after everything we’ve done, that it was a dirty low down trick that he had a girlfriend and just wanted to see what I would have done when he asked me that question last night.

“I live three blocks from this damned place and you know that. I could run home right now. I know the combination to the safe. I could open up that safe, get out that gun and shoot my fucking brains out.” I said clenching my teeth. “I’ve never been so fucking tempted.”

I nearly did it. I stood outside, looking longingly up the road that leads to my house. Rain drizzled down onto my pigtails. I shivered. I decided it could wait until I get home. Besides, then I could see every one for the last time.

It’s not the gun, it’s the razor. The gun is the easy way out. Give me pain.

I have entered the 5th realm of hell. Fuka is gone. I cried for three hours straight today at school. I think I'm dehydrated because of all the water I expelled through tears.

Mina saw my face stained with tears at lunch, and she sat next to me and wiped my tears away with the sleeve of her kimono. She kissed me on the forehead and said she'd be here for me.

My face is numb. I can't feel anything, I can't move anything. I looked in the mirror and wondered, who is that girl? Why does she look so tired? What did she do?

Hell, even my grades are suffering. C, C, D+, C-, A, and A-. Those two A's are in Theater and Band. How did that happen? I had nothing below a 85%, but when Fuka dropped the bomb that she was moving, my grade were attached to a rock and dropped into a deep ocean trench. This was a minor three weeks ago, and I managed to fuck my grades up that badly....

Truthfully, what I need right now is a warm blanket and to be wrapped up in Dan's arms. Maybe then, and only then would I smile. I really feel for Dan and it's actually happened just as I thought and hoped it would. I started going out with Dan and suddenly all my little crushes faded away to nothing. It sucks though, to see all these couples in the hallway, and know that my other half is on the other side of town.

Speaking of lovely little couples, guess who I saw walking down the hall and holding hands. Olivia and Richard of course. I stopped when I saw their fingers enlaced as they passed me. Travis bumped into me and yelled at me, but I didn't care. I was too shocked.

It's not that I still like Richard, because I'm mad about my boyfriend, but I was kind of hurt, but satisfied at the same time. Did I cause that relationship to blossom? No of course not, but I'm positive I helped it along.

Tomorrow we travel to Rockford to play in play offs. It's a three hour ride in a charter bus with Tim, Rick, Val, Mina...the band I should say. No Olivia though. Richard won't be happy about that....

I've been awake for too long now. It's time for bed.