I got a new cousin. Her name is Alexia Cathrine Seefeldt. She was born on the 26th of December and we are going to visit her. I call her 'little sister'. We're leaveing at 7:00 am because it's four hour drive, and my uncle wants to take me shopping for my birthday present. The bad news is, that a flu is going around up here and hospitalizing people. My mom has a headache and a sore throat. I think she's imagining it because she said if she got sick, she wasn't going.

I need to meet little sister. I haven't even seen her, but I feel really close to her already. It's kinda wierd.

I wonder if mom will let me drive down. I doubt it. This sucks, I don't even know if I'll see them.

He helped me. I can't explain what a great thing he did. I'm not remotely interested in a femal right at this moment. I know it was only over night, but...we talked. We typed back and forth for 3 hours and he called me at 2:30 am and we talked until 5:30 am. We shot questions back and forth, like we used to. I asked him if he would like me to lose my virginity to him.

He says that he'd be honored. He doesn't know that it is I that would be honored.

I'm stressed about my stories. I'm a budding author, but I can't think of what to write next in my story. I guess I could take an excerpt from my diary with him. I know there is certainly enough things in there about us to fill a book.

Kendall is my best friend, and as you know, she's moving. She's my other half, and I'll be damned if I'm not feeling lesbian thoughts about her.

"I'm in serious shit, I feel totally lost,
If I'm asking for help, it's only because,
Being with you has opened my eyes,
Could I ever believe such a pleasent surprise?

I keep asking myself, wondering how,
I keep closing my eyes,
But I can't block you out,
I wanna fly to a place where,
It's just you and me,
Nobody else, so we can be free."

-t.A.T.u. girls "All The Things She Said"

What am I supposed to do?!

Merry Fucking Christmas. I have no idea why I'm so upset. I guess I do. I've been taking dieting pills and exercising (not nearly as much as I should) and I'm staying the same size, if not bigger. I'm huge. I hate it beyond explanation.Sometimes I'm ready to slice open my stomach, and do liposuction with a vacuum. I know...it's disgusting.

He got me something. I don't know what it is, but in that spiteful, bitchy way, I want to look at him, roll my eyes and say "I never wanted anything from you." Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit! I HATE MY LIFE!

He ended up calling me. Wished me a happy birthday, and sighed that happy way that he did when he talked on the phone with me when we went out. Isn't life a miracle?

My best friend is moving. What am I going to do? What is she going to do? She's the only one who stays by me no matter what happens. She's so cool...I'm gonna miss her so much. Everytime I think about it I get sick. She can't move. I'll die if she does.

As soon as I found out that the gift for him does work, he says he no longer wants it. He doesn't want me to be a part of his life anymore. I know this, but it's too hard to grasp.

Tomorrow is my birthday, and I will be 15. He forgot. Hell, he doesn't even care. It's sad how deeply in love we were a year ago, and now I'm scared to talk to him.

Just when everything was going my way, stuff crashes. My gift for him is a fake. It doesn't even work.

Princess Merideth is spreading shit about me. He won't even talk to me. I don't understand it. We've said we're sorry about the whole toilet water thing (long story). We even became friends for a while, but out of the blue she's saying shit about me. I can't explain how hard it is. I want to cut my wrists. I want to do it so bad. I lost my best friends to little miss Merideth. Why not lose my life to her? My friends are my life anyway and now...I have none. Zero. There's nothing to lose anyway.

It's pretty funny how this house sounds to me right now. I'm listening to Eminem and my parents are watching 'It's A Wonderful Life'. What would happen if I didn't exist? Err nothing much. The world would probably be happier since all I spread now is depression.

I'm a depressing person. When I was 13, I was such a happy girl. Then 8th grade rolled around and hell broke loose. I don't understand what happened to my brain, but something definately did.

I lost him when I was 14. April 18th, 2002. I think that may have progressed it. The only time I was happy during that time was when I was with him. We were so incredibly in love. So fiercly in love. It doesn't seem like we could experience that since we're so young...but we did. When we looked at each other, you couldn't break our gaze. It was so amazing.

I'm in love with him.Why am I so happy? It's almost scary how happy I am almost all the time. The only time I get depressed or really pissed is when little Miss Merideth comes around.

Little Miss Merideth went out with him only a few days after we broke up. She rubbed it in my face so terribly, I swear that I would have shot her if she wouldn't have shut up the exact moment I told her to.

Ariana (my best friend at the time) had Merideth over for a sleepover as well. I'd recently felt EXTREMELY replaced by Merideth since they're always together and laughing.

Merideth knew something about him and refused to tell me. After an hour I gave up and talked to Sabrina for a while.

Sabrina and I talked from 12-1 am making up theories about why he and I broke up and decide not to go out again. We figured it out. He was afraid that if he were to break up with me later I'd hurt myself. I don't blame him. This is very typical of me.

Merideth told me as soon as I said I was gonna ask him for a second chance. My plan was perfect. Absolutely fool-proof. I know his weaknesses, and his strengths. I know today that it would still work.

He liked her. Merideth said she wanted to keep it a secret as long as possible because longer the secret is kept, the more it would hurt me. Ariana was in on it too. I lost two of my best friends over night. I cried myself to sleep and didn't eat for days.

I still want to kill her. Atleast he's noticing me a lot again. Who am I kidding? He'll never love me again. Big deal...Indeed it is.

I got it! I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it! When my Dad got home last night, I asked him if he could order it and I'll pay him in cash. IT WORKED. It's on it's way to my mailbox. I can't wait.

I think he knows. Of course I had to be an idiot and ask "Do you have the full series of Cowboy Bebop?"

"No," He says. "Why?"

Because I love you more than life itself you dumb fuck. I blind monkey could see that. I bought it for you for Christmas you idiot. Think about it for a second.

Of course, I'd never say that....

"Just wondering." I said, returning to my head down, eyes closed postition.

Can he be any more naive?

I'm upset. I'm on ebay right now and it's close to Christmas. Even though I'm Jewish, I celebrate Christmas with my family as well, seeing that both my parents are Christian.

He loves a certain anime called 'Cowboy Bebop'. I've never seen it, but he likes it so much he's obtained the nickname 'Spike' from it. They suposedly canceled it so now he can't watch it. Right on my computer screen is the full series of Cowboy Bebop. He hasn't even seen some of these episodes. I want this so badly. I have money. I have a good sum of money. This only costs 10 bucks. Big deal.

Indeed it is. He only takes credit card payments. I am a 15 year old trying to get something that her best friend and obsession wants. I don't have a credit card. I could talk to my mom. I'll pay for it, I'll even give her 6% interest if she wants! I want to give this to him.

I can't believe I'm almost throwing a hissy-fit because of this. I'm such a bitch. I want this so bad. For him. The bible says if you pray for something, you'll get it. I'm going to pray for the next week.