I saw Fuka tonight. She said I looked stoned. I wasn't, so don't even go there....

No work tomorrow. Yay! No work and all play makes Annie a happy chick.

Hey, did they ever come up with a cure for anthrax poisoning? When we were going through the anthrax scare period thing, I used to get the mail, run inside as fast as I could, drop the mail and wash my hands. I was freaked out by that anthrax thing.

Isn't it hard to believe SARS was such a huge thing only 6 months ago? It came from a fuzzy thing they ate in China right? Kinda like AIDS, it supposedly came from apes. So what did the human race do to get AIDS? Have sex with uncountable numbers of monkeys?

~Whips out new Hello Kitty calendar~ Fourty days until my next Rotary meeting...and seeing my darling Jacob again. God, do I miss him. Now even more than ever because we had that pregnancy thing. It's amazing how a little baby can cause so much panic.

The Rotary meeting will be weird though. We won't have Jessica with us, who was with us all the time. She didn't make it....

I miss Jessie too. I haven't talked to her in about a week and a half because she went on a cruise for Christmas. There are two holidays of the year I'd hate to go on a cruise. Those are New Year, and Christmas.

My parents are going on a cruise in something like 20 days. (Half the time of me getting to see Jake. ~Pouts~)

~Looks around room~ I think I'm going to redecorate. Bye.

Teendom right now is so...unappealing. Ha, but then again was it ever?

I look in the mirror and think: "Jake sees this and still loves me?" I turn around, and look myself over. "Does my butt look huge?" I'm expecting a guy to pop out of my closet at any moment with a microphone, a cheesy suit, and an announcer voice and say: "This moment is brought to you by adolecence!" It's ridiculous!

I've thought about it over and over. Jake is running a mile everyday to improve himself. He doesn't like the way he looks apparently (See, I don't understand it. He's perfect in my eyes), so he's going out and running everyday. Isn't that so admirable? I would love to do something like that. The only problem is that I never ran in the first place. Jake used to be a runner.

Nevertheless, I'd like to take up a sport again. I did karate for a while and that'd be fun to start again.

Downhill racing. Now there's a sport that I'm good at. I've been skiing since I could stand up on skis. If I could have joined earlier this year, then I'd be kicking some major ass on the slopes. Skiing is the reason my legs look so huge.

Swimming was another thing I was good at. I haven't actually done it for a race since I was 6 or 7, but when I did it, I was like a fish.

Dad has been trying to get me into tennis since I quit swimming. I think he just wants to see me like those bitchy girls on the Trojan tennis team. I should ask him if he wants me to consider everyone below my status.

Random Questions:

What song best describes your life?
"Hold On" by Good Charlotte.

Just how many guys have you gone through?
Less than you'd think. Jake is number 5. Chris, Kyle, Him, Bryan, Jake. (These are real boyfriends. More than 1 month. If we're talking everyone I've said yes to, it might be eight.)

What kind of music is in your car?
I've got the Chicago Soundtrack, Drumline Soundtrack, an alternate rock mix, a rap mix, and a disco mix. My favorite is probably...umm disco, but surprisingly, it's the one I listen to the least.

What is the most common type of dream you have?
Probably where someone I love dies or leaves me. I very rarely have happy dreams.

If you were a spirit, what would you be?
Anyone who knows me would probably say a death spirit, and I'd have to agree.

Any words you say repeatedly?
Groovy, dammit (I say that one all the time at work), sweet, score, dumbass.

And all that jazz. Goodnight folks.

~Knitting needles click in hands. She looks up and stares at the reader in silence. After a while she speaks.~

I don't feel too well. Ah well....that sucks.

Fuka is in town on Saturday. We're gonna...I dunno. Do stuff? I miss her. I haven't seen her since Halloween day. I remember her last day was Halloween.

So what was the coolest thing you got for Christmas? I opened up a memory chip for a palm pilot/digital camera and got really confused. I thought my mom was intending me to have my own memory chip to store my own shit on. Hey, maybe she knew about my self staring porn movies. ~Rolls eyes and sets down knitting needles~

Moving away from me lying about my roles in porn films, I got a digital camera. I was so happy. I thought that it was kinda more of a family present, but it is indeed mine. No one else may use it, and since I won't have a laptop to take with me on my exchange, this is my colateral. It's a Vivitar ViviCam 3746 with 3.1 mega pixel. It's so nice. I can fit it into my purse with the greatest of ease. It's so small.

So? What happened on your Christmas? I don't really care who responds to this, but I'm kinda starving for human contact other than family. C'mon....e-mail me!

I'm working tomorrow. Great. I really don't like work as much as I used to. It's time for a new job. Problem being? Jobs are geing dropped left and right because the holiday season is over.

~Smiles~ It's over. It was my last Christmas home, for I will be gone next Christmas on exchange.

~Holds up a wine glass, full of red wine~ Merry Christmas, my friend.

Jake is being stalked. A man was calling a private number, insisting violently to talk to him mother. When Jake refused, he threatened him and continued to tell him things about him family. Real things, like their names. He even knew my name. Apparently this man sounded a lot like Dad.

Since Jake an I had that pregnancy scare for a while, he thought that I was indeed pregnant and that I had told my parents and now, my Dad was going to procecute him for stautory rape, since I was only 15 and not quite 16.

So that's when Jake packed up him stuff and decided he needed to run from the law. He planned to go to Canada.

I was freaking out. All of this was sent in an e-mail, so I wasn't guarenteed a reply if he had already left. I sent him an e-mail anyway, pleading with him to talk to the police, because this man was NOT my father.

I got a call at 2:00 am last night. He's not leaving, but contacting the police.

Thank god.

I'm going on my second staright hour of crying.

I bought some of that Mederma Scar Fader today. I’m supposed to put it on 3 times a day for the next 8 weeks and I’ll have no more suicidal scars. Why even bother? I know now that I can’t stop. I’m addicted.

And then there’s him, another little addiction, whom I adore and so….incredibly much.

He chose Ashly over me. A Year and a half versus two weeks? I still love him, and I’m feeling such a range of emotions right now.

I want to cry my eyes out. I want to cry so hard that my eyes begin to bleed. I want to get every tear out of my body. I don’t want any fluids left.

I want to go up to him and slap him and scream at him to send a gentle reminder that Ashly cheated on him. We went out for a year and a half rather than just two weeks. She even said it herself that she doesn’t necessarily want to go out with him, but rather just someone other than her current boyfriend.

I want to tell him he’s lucky that he has a good relationship. He may very well be seeing…the one. I want to congratulate him, but my pride is swollen.

I want to hold him like I used to too. I want to put my arms around him, feel his heart beat against my chest. I want to smell his hair, to taste his tongue.

I also never want to talk to him again. I felt like he’s betrayed me. He left me, I repeatedly try to kill myself for his approval, and this is how he thanks me?

But most of all, I want him to dump Ashly. I want him to come back to me, tell me he wants me alive, that he loves me more than anyone, and that he wants to start a new life with me.

Dammit, I love you! Be with me! If you want me dead, you’re doing the right thing. I am going to cut myself beyond recognition. I am going to lose so much blood, it’ll make your head spin. I am going to get you back, dammit. Either I get you back or I die trying, and I’m not kidding when I say die trying.

Hm, I should start writing my note. I’ve always wanted to kill myself on Christmas Eve. Around 7 pm or so. I’m at my Nana’s house at that time. It’s right after dinner and just before presents. What a perfect time to die.

I wonder how long it would be until they noticed I wasn’t there…?

Christmas Eve is in two days. I don’t want to wait that long. Hm…I don’t think I will. Sounds fine to me. Two days before Christmas Eve….atleast my death would be associated with Christmas.

Hell froze over last night. I found out that we still love each other, him and I. We want to try again....

Two problems are standing in the way. Jake is one, and he's feeling very threatened by him right now. Then, there's Ashly, who cheated on him, yet she still has feelings for him, and he feels he owes it to her.

Ashly and I talked about it, and we promised not to fight about him, no matter which way it goes. I'm afraid that whichever way it goes, one of us will be bitter to the other.

However, I dropped him off at his house yesterday after my party and I got quite a bit of a nice surprise. I leaned over, not being able to help myself, and kissed him on the lips, three times. I sat back in my seat, listening to my engine idle, then he leaned over and kissed me...with passion instead of lust. I almost forgot what passion felt like from him.

I want to be with him. After a year and a half, I can't believe it. We might finally be together again. We might finally become 'we' again instead of two individuals, foolishly in love.

I stole his wallet and went through it today. No money, but the things I found were better than money. Various pieces of paper, emergency contacts, permit, receipts, a get out of jail free card for assignments.... I came across a little yellow piece of paper. Curious, I opened it.

In Ashly's scrawl, it read 'Will you go out with me?'. My heart sank. She left him about two weeks ago, because her ex, James, came back into town from Lansing. They were so incredibly involved in each other, Ashly and James. He was hurt, though he wouldn't show it.

In the fold of the paper dropped out a picture of him and Ashly in a photobooth. I felt so awful. Carefully, I folded up the note and placed the picture back in his wallet.

Next, I pulled out a piece of paper slightly larger and white. I opened it and recognized my writing.

I can't keep my promise to you anymore. I can't go on like this. How can I keep a promise so ridiculous? I want to die so terribly....
-Steph

My eyes watered. He kept the note.... He carried is with him everyday.

Was that really of so much importance? Was he scared? Scared for me to die?

I found him after school, gave his wallet back and hugged him. He really didn't want to be touched, but I felt I needed to. I love him. He's my best friend.

Birthday came and went, without much of a hitch. My car is in desperate need of repair already. I didn't do anything to it, but the fuel filter has never been changed the 13 years it's been alive. It needs a new one, so I have to go without a car tomorrow. Growl....

Hm, what else to say? I had a flute audition and I did okay. I certainly could have been better. I can always be better, but I'm a slacker.

In theater today, I tried to get attention. It's so ridiculous that I did it, not to mention what I did to get attention. I took a piece of plastic and scratched the hell out of my wrists. Isn't that stupid? I did it just to get Brian and Kevin's attetnion. Kevin was doing a Kung Foo practice session with Warren, and brian was obsessing over Erin, who skipped both lunches to go out to a car and get stoned.

I haven't talked to Jake in days. I miss him....

Despite be turning 16 yesterday, life really isn't happy....

Acting is so cool. I'm gonna miss the play.

Shere Khan was so sweet in the play, man. Tonight was nearly total improv. He did Kung Foo on the stage with Father Wolf. Hot damn tonight was fun.

I even got new friday pants. I had everyone sign them and I'll wear them on Monday for my birthday. Kevin put a little heart by his name. ^_^* I'm sure it means nothing, but it made me feel special. I think I have a little bit of a crush on him. Just a little one though.

I don't want the play to end, man. I've had way too much fun. the cast party kicked ass. Brian dreaded a part of my hair, and we played poker and I had nearly zero luck tonight. I won about two games out of about 20.

So...tomorrow is Monday...and my birthday. I'll be 16. Finally. I'm so sick of having zero freedom. Car keys, coffee, and boyfriends...I hate having Jake so far away. It's his birthday too.

I keep telling myself that I love Jake, and I have no doubt that I do love him, but it's so hard. He lives about 2 1/2 hours from here, and calling long distance is a bitch, not to mention expensive.

Christ, listen to me! I'm trying to talk myself out of Jake just because he lives far away. When I talked to him for the first time, I thought "I am going to marry him". I am. I'll marry him. We've already had sex.

The way I see it is: "If he cheats on me, he's gone". I can't put up with cheaters. I have so much to give, and if I give it to a stupid boy who uses me, fuck him and next victim.

I'm just being all stupid because of Kevin. Sure, I have a touch of a crush, and I think he's really cute, but Jake is my boyfriend, and I know he loves me...I think.

~Burries face in hands~ I'm getting so confused. Just give me my keys and license bitch!

I need a pity-party for myself....so please excuse the little tiff I'm about to throw.

I hate myself so much. My boyfriend lives 2 hours away from me, I suck at playing the flute, I'm fat, I have no friends, I'm hideous, I'm a fucking mongoose in the play, and I'm useless when it comes to school work. No one would miss me if I left.

I could spare Campbell the agony of hearing my flute audition. I wish I could have a Olivia to help me, but she's so damn busy with her boyfriend, Richard, and swimming.... She wouldn't have time for me. I'm not worth it anyway.

Do I really sound like that???

I think I want to sign up for that. It's really cool. What blogger needs to do, is make an uber-blogger. It's all the advantages of blogger pro, with the audioblog thing. That'd be sweet.

Christ it's cold....

audio post powered by audblog

I’m so ashamed. I slept in until 12:20 today. That’s so late for me.

So today is the 7th. I’ve known Jake for exactly 1 month today. We’ve gone farther than him and I had in a year and a half, and I love him more than I could have ever loved him.

It’s so stupid of me, but I heard a song over the weekend that I want for my wedding song. It’s called Space Lion and it’s from the anime Cowboy Bebop. I know that the name ‘Space Lion’ sounds odd, like it’d be a really upbeat song with lots of words, but it’s the opposite. It’s got ‘Goodnight Julia’ as the saxophone part and it has a soothing rhythm in the background. Three minutes through it, a quiet verse is repeated in what I assume is Japanese. It’s beautiful. I recommend everyone to download it. It makes me so happy. When I heard it, it immediately reminded me of Jake because he can play ‘Goodnight Julia’ on his saxophone.

What’s even stupider than that is that I’m planning my wedding with help of Rini. I don’t know about my dress yet, but I want my bridesmaids in dresses of scarlet silk. They’re standard tank top dresses that go down the ankle.

My little flower girl, little sister, is going to be wearing something like my flower girl outfit from when I was a flower girl. If I could get my flower girl dress spotlessly clean, I’d have her wear that. It’s cream silk, with little short leaves (a little puffy) and it goes down the ankles. It’s cute. For some reason though, I can’t see her any older than she is right now.

Kendall is to be my maid of honor. My bridesmaids are Rini, Sabrina, and maybe a host sister from wherever I’m going. I’ve not met enough girls I like in this world.

The only problem is my other cousins, what about them being in the wedding? I may need to find another little girl, because I don’t want to seem like I’m playing favorites.

Birthday…drawing closer. I can’t wait. I passed my road test on Thursday, so on December 15 I can finally get my license.

Even if Jake and I were to have conceived that fateful night (though I’m not 100% sure yet, and I’ll find out around Christmas Day), I don’t think I’d be really upset. Sure, it’s be a HUGE bummer, but I'd be having the baby of the man I love.

As my shopping season is drawing to a close, I'm look more and more forward to the holidays. I'm looking forward to seeing my parents face when they see that I got them a DVD player, a Sony at that. I can't wait to have my girls by my side and playing with the rubber stamps I got them as soon as presents are opened. I'm feeling outrageously 'motherly'. I can't wait to give my little Max man a hug, or to hold Little Sister and play little baby games like peek-a-boo.

Speaking of Max, he called me the other day. He's two and a half and he called to tell me he went 'number two' on the potty. He sounded so proud, but I was happier than he was because he said "I wanna call Stephie and tell her I went on the potty!" My heart swelled.

Oh yeah, please excuse the last entry, it was made at 6:30 am, so it doesn't make much sense.

Now all I have to do is get gifts for my Grandma and Grandpa and then for my Nana. My Nana is my mom's mom, but her dad is divorced from my Nana. I never see Papa. It's like he's dead, and the sad thing is, I don't really care.

It looks like I'll have to check eBay and get ideas for my grandparents.

I added up all of my bills after this weekend. It's a triple digit sum... $175.60. Ouch. It's a damn good thing my last paycheck was $195.55. It sucks...I'm not completely done either!

Hm...what about one of those Christmas flowers? The Poinsettia?

I had a dream last night. Jake was at some kind of part that I went to too. He didn’t know I was there. I walked into a room and I saw him holding hands with another girl. I yelled at him, but I was incredibly hurt. I ran the other way.

I rode my bike down to my elementary school, and I was so weak from crying that I had to crawl everywhere. A thunderstorm started and lightning was striking everywhere around me. I couldn’t get away. I crawled to my kindergarten room, and fell asleep.

I saw a guy that’s in my theater class and we skipped class all day and we made out with each other to avenge Jake. I still couldn’t forget him though.

I woke up almost crying. I want to be with Jake forever.