I'm so proud of my Naomi and Greg. They're both in Brazil and while I swore left and right that Naomi wasn't going to enjoy her exchange until she was 4 months until she was supposed to come home, I was wrong! She writes like she's having a lot of fun. I'm so happy they're happy.
I can't wait. 18 days. But I still want to be with Alex.... I'll miss him most.
7.29.2004
7.25.2004
I need to get this out. I need to scream at the top of my lungs until I don't have any voice left.
But this will have to do.
I can't stand ANYONE here right now. My Dad is bothering me A LOT, my friends are annoying as sin...but there's District 6970one person I want to be around. He doesn't want me to smother him, and that's exactly what I feel I'm doing. I want to be with Alex. Just hang out with him. Sit on his couch and talk about stupid shit until 3 am. That's a lot of time to be spending with one person though.
We wrestled yesterday on the lawn and he kicked my ass. He knocked me down so that the back of my head and a spot about the size of a large potato on the left side just above my ass. I love to play, but that hurt. ^_^*
Work today was frustrating because the entire time I was thinking "This is such a waste of time! I could be out with friends! I mean, Alex!"
Mina is leaving tomorrow morning. Her flight leaves at 10:45 am. Early up again tomorrow. It's worth it though. I wonder if she'll ever come back. I tend to doubt it and that hurts, but knowing that she came here, had a good time and leaves with experiences that she'll never forget...it's gratifying. It's hard to believe that in a year from now, I'll know how she felt.
Well lets try to analyze this situation. Alex and I are...screwing around? Yeah, that'll work. But whatever way you look at it, we have a physical relationship. When we have that physical touch, I feel invincible. Like I'm the only one he sees in the world. I like thatfeeling. It reminds me of when we went out. I don't really want to go out with him again, especially seeing that I'm leaving in 22 days.
Wow. Only 22 days.
Por favor, tu estas con mi.
But this will have to do.
I can't stand ANYONE here right now. My Dad is bothering me A LOT, my friends are annoying as sin...but there's District 6970one person I want to be around. He doesn't want me to smother him, and that's exactly what I feel I'm doing. I want to be with Alex. Just hang out with him. Sit on his couch and talk about stupid shit until 3 am. That's a lot of time to be spending with one person though.
We wrestled yesterday on the lawn and he kicked my ass. He knocked me down so that the back of my head and a spot about the size of a large potato on the left side just above my ass. I love to play, but that hurt. ^_^*
Work today was frustrating because the entire time I was thinking "This is such a waste of time! I could be out with friends! I mean, Alex!"
Mina is leaving tomorrow morning. Her flight leaves at 10:45 am. Early up again tomorrow. It's worth it though. I wonder if she'll ever come back. I tend to doubt it and that hurts, but knowing that she came here, had a good time and leaves with experiences that she'll never forget...it's gratifying. It's hard to believe that in a year from now, I'll know how she felt.
Well lets try to analyze this situation. Alex and I are...screwing around? Yeah, that'll work. But whatever way you look at it, we have a physical relationship. When we have that physical touch, I feel invincible. Like I'm the only one he sees in the world. I like thatfeeling. It reminds me of when we went out. I don't really want to go out with him again, especially seeing that I'm leaving in 22 days.
Wow. Only 22 days.
Por favor, tu estas con mi.
I possibly had the most wonderful night of my life last night. I spend the night at Rini's with Amber, Meri and believe it or not, Alex. Everyone was like: "Hey! Let's pull an all nighter!" I didn't want to though. I had to work at 8 this morning.
I fell asleep with Alex's arms around me and my head in his lap. I felt amazing. I woke up crying a few times...but I've been doing that a lot lately. I explained to Rini that it hurts when you're ignored, and she understood. It was good to get it out.
I mean, just thinking about this morning waking up in his arms sends a warm sensation through my body. From my heart spreading to my back, then all over my body, finally ending at my fingertips. I've had a trace of a smile on my face all day. I felt loved... and safe.
Isn't it amazing what the little things do for you? It was such a simple act that did so much for me.
Thanks baby.
I fell asleep with Alex's arms around me and my head in his lap. I felt amazing. I woke up crying a few times...but I've been doing that a lot lately. I explained to Rini that it hurts when you're ignored, and she understood. It was good to get it out.
I mean, just thinking about this morning waking up in his arms sends a warm sensation through my body. From my heart spreading to my back, then all over my body, finally ending at my fingertips. I've had a trace of a smile on my face all day. I felt loved... and safe.
Isn't it amazing what the little things do for you? It was such a simple act that did so much for me.
Thanks baby.
7.24.2004
I'm just gonna free-write. It has nothing to do with my life...just for fun. ^_^
I hadn't met her that long ago but we seemed to have much in common, that's why we sat in this dark little coffee house.
"We were extravagantly in love," She sighed romantically. "And we still are."
"Then what happened?" I asked.
"It just didn't work out." She said taking a long draw from her coffee. I knew that when she said 'it just didn't work out', it really meant that she had been dumped, but her pride was too swollen to admit it.
I don't think she's a liar per say, but she didn't like to bring people down. If she had to make a few white lies to make someone happy, so be it. She'd do it. It's a blessing and a sin at the same time.
She wasn't very pretty I'll admit. Her brown eyes matched her stringy brown hair that went to about her cheek bones. Her teeth weren't well kept, but when she spoke, she sounded like an angel.
"So, what do you plan to do when you get out of college?" She asked.
"I'd like to travel."
"Are you going to work?"
"I should, but I'm not sure many places would hire a foreigner."
She smiled weakly. "It never hurts to try." I knew that meant that she thought I was probably right.
We sat in silence for a few minutes. "I can't take it anymore." She said softly. Tears filled her eyes. "Not everything is perfect...even though I pretend it is. Can I tell you...the truth?"
"For you, I have all the time in the world."
Everything came rushing forward. About how her lover had indeed left her after he beat her... and how she was afraid to tell him that the baby they had conceived was to be born in 5 months time. I looked at her and saw that she was...
...Beautiful.
7.20.2004
Ya know...sometimes I love my parents.
Sometimes.
My Dad was griping a few months ago about how 'we can't afford' to send me on exchange. My Dad bought my mom a BMW within the past month. Do we need 5 cars? My dad has the SAAB and the Amigo, I have my little piece of shit beater VW, and my mom has a Jetta and the BMW. She got it on Sunday after we went to the Tigers vs. Yankees game. That brings me to another point.
The Yankees lost the god damn game. Who the hell can lose to the Tigers? I mean come on man!
I received my final itinerary today though. I leave from Grand Rapids...a 2 hour 40 minute drive from my damned house. Only 27 days though.
I love the 90's is on. Have any of you seen I love the 70's. What a great show. I laughed my petty little ass off when I saw that show. Michael Ian Black isn't so bad looking either. Not to mention he's funnier than hell.
My dad's second cousin (once-removedand through marriage. [which makes us acquaintances]) spent the night last night. We have this wierd thing for playing Jenga. We stayed up until about 1:30 AM last night playing Jenga. It's the most...retardedly great game ever invented. I'm actually bringing a Jenga set, a deck of Uno cards (Yes, uno in a spanish speaking country. Haha how clever.), a deck of playing cards, pick up stix, and jacks to Argentina with me to give as gift to my host families.
I just discovered the wonders of Metallica's No Leaf Clover. What a great song. Listen to it. Beez heah. It's woot-ful.
7.16.2004
So the guy I like is gay. Gee, with my luck who'd have seen that coming?
I don't know where to start really. I don't mean to hurt you, but I don't want to keep this bottled up either. For once in my life, I'm going to be straight forward and honest about how I feel. Here it goes then....
I've been talking with someone about this... and it's amazing that I never really could have emotions. It's been all downhill since Calvin. I've not gone a day without crying.
It's my fault for not thinking it over. I didn't look at you when I asked you. I couldn't have told by your tone of voice. I know I don't seem trust-worthy, or someone who actually puts things out in the open. So I wouldn't have told anyone. I'm not easy either, which leads me to my next case.
Well? I'm not easy. I'm not one who can swooned so easily, so it was like an absolute slap to the face when I realized I was thinking about you constantly (And now that this whirlwind is over, I'm sure all my friends will slap me).
I know things end in lies and betrayal. Case in point, Jake to Taiwan only about 150 miles from me doing the cheating thing. Did I care? How can I not? But I trusted him, which is also something I rarely do.
It may be a long distance relationship, but how can it really have been that bad if I never stopped thinking about you?
I had to let it go. I had to get all this shit out in the open so I can go to bed tonight not feeling like my heart has been wrenched out of my chest. So I can go to work tomorrow and not have a nervous breakdown while serving someone coffee. So if I somehow meet Prince Charming I won't have to say I met him with tears in my eyes.
I don't hate you. Come on man, after all I've said it's still quite the contrary. I know that's probably the last thing you want right now too.
I hurt though. I can't explain it, but it's a sensation that combines the hurt and the satisfaction of atleast knowing it never would have worked anyway. So whether to say 'thanks' or 'fuck you' is beyond me.
Please call and talk to me soon though. The only thing that could make this hurt more is not hearing from you.
Annabelle
7.15.2004
You may walk around this earth,
You may feel useless and alone,
You think you'll never see another sunny day...
Realize you will always have me.
When it hurts to breathe in every breath,
When it hurts to think every thought,
When you need someone to dry your eyes...
I will be there for a million years.
Though the miles that separate us are great,
Though the road it takes to get there is hard,
Though the defeats have made us into nothing...
Know that no one can care as much as I do.
For nothing can truly explain the world's wonders,
For nothing separates what we share,
For nothing I can really express...
Can make you feel my love.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes, I realize it's not good, but I needed to write something about the exchange students....
I guess it's just poetry night here at the blog.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Six weeks old today Mommy!
And a birthday gift for me,
A pair of big blue eyes,
Thru one day I will see.
Where are we going Mommy,
With the rain splashing down.
When it hits the sidewalk,
It makes a funny sound.
Dang thru the big white doors,
People dressed in green.
If they hurt you Mommy,
Please run away and scream.
Please help me Mommy,
They're tearing me apart.
There go my big blue eyes,
There goes my little heart.
I love you Mommy,
Believe me, I really do.
But the worst part is...
I thought you loved me too.
You may feel useless and alone,
You think you'll never see another sunny day...
Realize you will always have me.
When it hurts to breathe in every breath,
When it hurts to think every thought,
When you need someone to dry your eyes...
I will be there for a million years.
Though the miles that separate us are great,
Though the road it takes to get there is hard,
Though the defeats have made us into nothing...
Know that no one can care as much as I do.
For nothing can truly explain the world's wonders,
For nothing separates what we share,
For nothing I can really express...
Can make you feel my love.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes, I realize it's not good, but I needed to write something about the exchange students....
I guess it's just poetry night here at the blog.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Six weeks old today Mommy!
And a birthday gift for me,
A pair of big blue eyes,
Thru one day I will see.
Where are we going Mommy,
With the rain splashing down.
When it hits the sidewalk,
It makes a funny sound.
Dang thru the big white doors,
People dressed in green.
If they hurt you Mommy,
Please run away and scream.
Please help me Mommy,
They're tearing me apart.
There go my big blue eyes,
There goes my little heart.
I love you Mommy,
Believe me, I really do.
But the worst part is...
I thought you loved me too.
7.13.2004
I feel almost forgotten. It's not like everyone checks their e-mail EVERYDAY though. So I just need to get over it.... ~Whimper~
I talked to Greg today and apologized for being such a complete basket case and crying so much during this past weekend. He understood. He said he knew it was hard to see people that you love go away; many never to be seen again. Mina summed it up beautifully. "It's not freaking fair!"
I'm working again tomorrow. I really wish it'd snow right now for some reason. Just get cold for an hour. To see the snow flutter down from the sky. I slept outside last night. Not in a tent, but on the cement patio. The stars were amazing. I can't even remember the last time I saw them that vibrant. So I snuggled up in my blanket and kept my teddy bear safely nestled into my arms. I must me hormonal, because I cried again.
I was homesick for friends while I was still at home. After how many days, I was already missing Calvin and the people I met there and the love that I could feel around me. It was a feeling of warmth and acceptance. I've never felt such a feeling.
I would give my exchange savings to have them all here each until their own departure date. Or even to take one...just one person with me on exchange so I'm not as lonely. But let me get this clear. I'm not worried about being lonely while I'm in Argentina. It's imminent. The thing I worry about is being lonely and hurting while I'm still here in a culture I've been emerged in my entire life.
I talked to Greg today and apologized for being such a complete basket case and crying so much during this past weekend. He understood. He said he knew it was hard to see people that you love go away; many never to be seen again. Mina summed it up beautifully. "It's not freaking fair!"
I'm working again tomorrow. I really wish it'd snow right now for some reason. Just get cold for an hour. To see the snow flutter down from the sky. I slept outside last night. Not in a tent, but on the cement patio. The stars were amazing. I can't even remember the last time I saw them that vibrant. So I snuggled up in my blanket and kept my teddy bear safely nestled into my arms. I must me hormonal, because I cried again.
I was homesick for friends while I was still at home. After how many days, I was already missing Calvin and the people I met there and the love that I could feel around me. It was a feeling of warmth and acceptance. I've never felt such a feeling.
I would give my exchange savings to have them all here each until their own departure date. Or even to take one...just one person with me on exchange so I'm not as lonely. But let me get this clear. I'm not worried about being lonely while I'm in Argentina. It's imminent. The thing I worry about is being lonely and hurting while I'm still here in a culture I've been emerged in my entire life.
7.12.2004
Naomi had a great idea.
FOUR things you're called
[+] Stephanie
[+] Annie
[+] Pan-Chan
[+] Annabelle
--»FOUR people who make you laugh
[+] Greg :-)
[+] Naomi
[+] Megan
[+] Alex
--»FOUR things you <3
[+] Michael 'the Jew'
[+] Rotary
[+] Hello Kitty!
[+] Making people laugh
--»FOUR things in your room
[+] Rotary cards
[+] Knife
[+] Pictures
[+] VCR...no TV
--»FOUR things your doing right now
[+] Typing
[+] Eating Lemonade Ice!
[+] Listening to the TV
[+] Breathing
--»FOUR things that describe you
[+] Thoughtful
[+] Odd
[+] Actress
[+] Bipolar as hell
--»FOUR things you should do
[+] Clean my room!
[+] Send in my visa
[+] Make invitations
[+] Stop waiting for a response from Michael 'the Jew'
--»FOUR things you say most
[+] Fuck
[+] Arg
[+] Like
[+] Hehe
--»FOUR fave foods
[+] Lemonade Ice
[+] Chocolate
[+] Popcorn
[+] Omelette Shoppe waffles
--»FOUR fave drinks
[+] Grapefruit Juice
[+] Mate!
[+] Bacardi Raspberry
[+] Coke
--»FOUR places you wanna go
[+] Argentina
[+] Japan
[+] Germany
[+] South Africa
--»FOUR names for future kids
[+] Catalina
[+] Andrew
[+] Ari
[+] Adam
--»FOUR sites you visit online.
[+] Neopets
[+] www.rotaryexchange.bravehost.com
[+] Blogger
[+] Google
--»FOUR of your hobbies
[+] Writing
[+] Making music
[+] Screwing around on the computer
[+] Movies!
--»FOUR things you do when ur bored
[+] Write
[+] Read
[+] Ski in Winter, Swim in Summer
[+] Camp
--»FOUR things your thinkin bout now
[+] 'I think I'll make invitations now...'
[+] 'I wonder when Michael will e-mail me back...'
[+] 'What other country do I want to apply for?'
[+] 'Why the hell does my mom need that shit?'
FOUR things you're called
[+] Stephanie
[+] Annie
[+] Pan-Chan
[+] Annabelle
--»FOUR people who make you laugh
[+] Greg :-)
[+] Naomi
[+] Megan
[+] Alex
--»FOUR things you <3
[+] Michael 'the Jew'
[+] Rotary
[+] Hello Kitty!
[+] Making people laugh
--»FOUR things in your room
[+] Rotary cards
[+] Knife
[+] Pictures
[+] VCR...no TV
--»FOUR things your doing right now
[+] Typing
[+] Eating Lemonade Ice!
[+] Listening to the TV
[+] Breathing
--»FOUR things that describe you
[+] Thoughtful
[+] Odd
[+] Actress
[+] Bipolar as hell
--»FOUR things you should do
[+] Clean my room!
[+] Send in my visa
[+] Make invitations
[+] Stop waiting for a response from Michael 'the Jew'
--»FOUR things you say most
[+] Fuck
[+] Arg
[+] Like
[+] Hehe
--»FOUR fave foods
[+] Lemonade Ice
[+] Chocolate
[+] Popcorn
[+] Omelette Shoppe waffles
--»FOUR fave drinks
[+] Grapefruit Juice
[+] Mate!
[+] Bacardi Raspberry
[+] Coke
--»FOUR places you wanna go
[+] Argentina
[+] Japan
[+] Germany
[+] South Africa
--»FOUR names for future kids
[+] Catalina
[+] Andrew
[+] Ari
[+] Adam
--»FOUR sites you visit online.
[+] Neopets
[+] www.rotaryexchange.bravehost.com
[+] Blogger
--»FOUR of your hobbies
[+] Writing
[+] Making music
[+] Screwing around on the computer
[+] Movies!
--»FOUR things you do when ur bored
[+] Write
[+] Read
[+] Ski in Winter, Swim in Summer
[+] Camp
--»FOUR things your thinkin bout now
[+] 'I think I'll make invitations now...'
[+] 'I wonder when Michael will e-mail me back...'
[+] 'What other country do I want to apply for?'
[+] 'Why the hell does my mom need that shit?'
7.11.2004
So this weekend came and went...and painful as it was; would I do it again?
In a heartbeat.
It feels familiar though. It's almost as if I've dreamed this entire conference before, down to the minute details. The only thing that challenges my theory is that I never could have dreamed or even thought of such elation and such pain.
I'm sure that the all nighter I pulled with the kids from my district (62! 90!) didn't help get my emotions on track. Making new friends from other districts didn' make it easier for me to say good bye, but in return I found it easier to make better memories from Calvin. Kiss and cry, Kleenex and Kodak Calvin Conference.
Getting away from this exchange thing...
All these people here are fucking crazy and immature. I don't know how long I can't take this! People can go out with whoever they wish. If you wish to shun them, go for it. Have fun. Girls are fucking stupid.
Girl 1 is mad because she thinks that Girl 2 likes Alex. Girl 1 thinks Alex is a liar because he says he doesn't like Girl 2. Who says everyone has to like someone all the time? It just so happens that I have a little crush almost all the time. It doesn't mean that I would consider them dateable, but rather just cute or nice. ~Shrugs~ Is that why other girls don't understand me?
Girl 1 thinks honestly, from the bottom of her heart, that the entire world is out to get her. She's being self-centered. I'm sorry if I have other friends that I like to have fun with too. I can't play baby-sitter. What if I wanted to hang out with someone different? Would I be 'shunned'? Would I even give a shit? (HINT: The answer isn't yes.)
I can't wait to leave. Oh dio fucking mio...I'm gonna cry again.
In a heartbeat.
It feels familiar though. It's almost as if I've dreamed this entire conference before, down to the minute details. The only thing that challenges my theory is that I never could have dreamed or even thought of such elation and such pain.
I'm sure that the all nighter I pulled with the kids from my district (62! 90!) didn't help get my emotions on track. Making new friends from other districts didn' make it easier for me to say good bye, but in return I found it easier to make better memories from Calvin. Kiss and cry, Kleenex and Kodak Calvin Conference.
Getting away from this exchange thing...
All these people here are fucking crazy and immature. I don't know how long I can't take this! People can go out with whoever they wish. If you wish to shun them, go for it. Have fun. Girls are fucking stupid.
Girl 1 is mad because she thinks that Girl 2 likes Alex. Girl 1 thinks Alex is a liar because he says he doesn't like Girl 2. Who says everyone has to like someone all the time? It just so happens that I have a little crush almost all the time. It doesn't mean that I would consider them dateable, but rather just cute or nice. ~Shrugs~ Is that why other girls don't understand me?
Girl 1 thinks honestly, from the bottom of her heart, that the entire world is out to get her. She's being self-centered. I'm sorry if I have other friends that I like to have fun with too. I can't play baby-sitter. What if I wanted to hang out with someone different? Would I be 'shunned'? Would I even give a shit? (HINT: The answer isn't yes.)
I can't wait to leave. Oh dio fucking mio...I'm gonna cry again.
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