It's almost 4 in the morning. It's June 3rd. Today is the day I'm supposed to go look at an apartment with Corey. What the hell happened? I'm a wreck. I've been crying for the past hour. I feel incredibly alone.

I write this from his family's computer in their basement.

...He wants to go to sleep. I really can't blame him or anything, but I really wish that he would wake up and hold me in his arms and to tell me that everything will be okay.

Oh this guilt. This incredible guilt. My parents devoted 20 years of their lives to me... and will continue to give me all that they've got. What for? I've got nothing to give them in return. How am I supposed to just pack all the shit that they've gifted to me over the years and pretty much say "Thanks for raising me, but I gotta go now."? It's so heartless...

And as silly as all of that is, the next one is really a doozy. What about Phillip, whom I have raised since he was 8 weeks old? I don't know how much longer he'll be around either... he's aging as all of us inevitably do... but I feel like I'm abandoning him. I can't just leave him.

I feel like I'm abandoning my childhood.

And the reality is that I don't want to leave it. I want to be in my bed, curled up in my own blankets, smelling the cool familiar comforts of my home. I want to be with my Mom, who cares so much for me.

I want to patch things with my father, but the alcohol is one hell of a hurdle. Things won't ever be the same as they were when I was younger. Daddy loved me.... Oh my god did he love me.

And so I leave all of this behind? I... no. There's got to be another way.

I'm scared shitless, and there isn't anything that can be done. It's part of life. But the Spring was so good....

Querido Señor, quien esta en el cielo....
Dame la fuerza para ser la mujer que me espera. Dame la luz para ver que camino tengo que tomar. Y por favor, mi Padre, dame todo el amor que me puede dar. Ayudame para ver las oporunidades que me dio, cualquier si estan muy lejos en la futura, o si estan al frente de mi ahora mismo. Quiero su ayuda, su direccion, su amor.

Please God.