~Sigh~ For some reason, I feel like today has been the day from hell, when really it hasn't been all that bad.

Saturday night I was directing my play and I saw Jay bleeding from under his costume. I was worried that he was getting his costume all bloody, but that he was bleeding in general. That meant he was hurt. I had seen his arms previously, and they're so scarred up. They're worse than mine are. He had cut himself all over and bled throughout the play.

He says he forgets cutting himself. He blacks out, and when he wakes up, he has a bunch of cuts all over his body. I remember my cutting sessions in vivid color, but I can't feel it. I definately feel it in the morning (I only cut at night), but while it's happening, it might as well be on a different body. Same with piercing.

He hugged me and said he'd be all right, and that was the first time I felt a human presence within him. He hurt hust like I hurt. He cut because he wanted out. He's so valient, so brave. He's made it farther than I would have. He's a survivor.

I don't know if I'm happy or not that the gun wasn't there that one day I came home. I surely would have ended it if it had been there. I'd like to slip into a severe depression like last year. I miss being depressed and hurting everyday. I miss being angsty and mourning over Alex.

I need to end it with Corey. I'm not happy, nor is he. He looked at me this morning like I was some sort of...demon. Not only a demon, but a saint as well. I never felt such a range of emotions cast upon me.

And I looked to him and saw the pain and anguish in his eyes...and I finally understood that he felt the same way I did...