Annie Jones on: Differences

I'm not weathering the storm like I know I should. I have 'the strength' that everybody says I have, right? I don't want to bring out the life-is-so-hard-sometimes card. We all know that. Bringing it up would be a case of redundance. Besides, it's not worth it to make someone else upset.

Something is toying with my thinking though, and I couldn't tell you what. Everything was so the same and now it's like everything is so different.

I was beginning to enjoy my time here. Maybe it was rose colored glasses. How can things be their real tint when a good friend comes to visit you and your own Mother is on the way? But today really made me realize what I have in this host family; very little.

I was talking on the computer with my parents with the webcam. It was nice to see them. Dad got a haircut, Mom looks paler. So then I hear a crash from Robert's room.

"What was that?" I yelled.

"The picture."

There was a picture drawn of Fede and some of his friends and it was given to him as a gift before he left. I never liked the picture much. Looking at it for too long creeped me out. I hate to see Fede. He makes me so angry when I see pictures.

I came in and saw the frame in pieces and a rather freaked out Robert. The frame was virtually non-existant. It was more like two pieces of glass pressed together with the picture in the middle and clamps to keep the glass together.

Robert and I weren't exactly looking forward to breaking the news to Lily and Alberto. My Mom said that she personally wouldn't be angry because people make mistakes. As long as the picture itself wasn't harmed, why did it matter? We went downstairs for dinner and I sat in my seat.

"I have a problem I need to tell you." Robert said. "The photo of Fede and his friends, the frame broke."

Lily became infuriated. She yelled obscenities and took Robert upstairs. He was very much shaken by what she was saying to him. I sat at the kitchen table with Alberto in silence. I felt sick. I didn't eat dinner. I couldn't. I felt so sick. How could she be such a heartless person?

I realized how great my Mom really is. How much I miss her. How much I'm anticipating her arrival.

I became so nervous about how I'm going to manage to let my Mom go. Am I going to allow her to get on an airplane to go back to my home, while I'm stuck playing make-believe to an audience about how we're a happy family? I've never felt more alone in my entire life, and I have someone by my side to help me even. How am I going to let Robert go?

I've not felt such a strong urge to go home. It burns. What else was I supposed to expect when I was told flat out that they wanted Liz back instead of having me in their house. I know I sound angry, but it hurts. I feel more hurt than any other emotion. Of course I'm angry that they don't treat me well, but it hurts more because they don't care about me.

I recieved a note from Lily a few days ago.

'Ani-

Clean your room.

Lily'

I'm not offended that my room was messy and she didn't like it. The thing that bothered me was that she left a note because she didn't want to take the time out to say it to my face.

Liz's room was constantly in a state of disarray. Liz was 'perfect' for them though. I'm held to impossibly high standards by these people. I try to please them. I try to play pretend. It'll never work. I'll never even be acceptable to these terrible people.

I want to go home...but I know that things are just as bad there. I know I couldn't face even my best friends. They have each other. I'm the third wheel lost in translation.