Not sure why I'm upset.

Something has gotten me bugged however. I know Rick will read this, seeing as he 'checks it everyday' but I've got to get this out. Rick, listen. If you want to remain the way you are, happy or atleast blissfully ignorant, stop reading now. I'm about to let go now.

Well, Rick's been trying to contact me and I don't know how to handle it. A lot of the times I'm really not at the computer and cannot respond to any messages. There are other times however that I am at the computer and I try to play it stealth-like. He says he loves me, but I can't hurt him. I don't want to say that I can't love him. Truth betold I don't think I'm capable of loving anyone anymore. It's almost like I've put forward so much effort in all of my relationships that my spirit is broken and my affection is meaningless.

But I'm sorry, Rick. I cannot love you. You could love me, treat me well, save me from myself, but the truth is that I could never love you. And I hate myself for that.

I feel like dying for that last remark. I don't deserve to live if I'm causing this sort of pain to anyone. I know how he feels to be brutally honest. It's not like I don't still think about Alex daily, because I do. It hurts to think about him of course. It's hurtful to think that I spent years mourning and pining for him just to be ignored and quickly forgotten. If I were to die tomorrow, my last dying wish would be for him to say goodbye to me. A heartfelt goodbye and nothing more. It's so much to ask, especially for all that I have ever put him through.

I guess that this is not only a vent for me, but it's also an informal apology. I'm sorry I was abusive and I made you cry and I hurt you. It was never my intention. Who in the right mind would maliciously go after people and hurt them?

But if I could feel affection anymore, it would be for someone that you know.... I'll explain it to you later, but take solice in the fact that I can't give or recieve human affection anymore.

Atleast I'm a loveless hull. Broken and empty.

And I'm still sorry.