I'm not feeling...normal. What I mean to say is I feel much more abnormal than usual. I never really feel normal anymore, I feel...wierd. Screw it, why the hell am I trying to waste my fucking time explaining something you'll never understand.

I cheated big time today on my Atkins. I'm not supposed to have sugar. Sugar is a carb...kinda, but I had three handfuls of candy, and I didn't really even care. Like I tired to explain, I'm completely out of it. I feel completely out of my element. I cried for an hour straight a few days ago. I was in my camper, on my bed, looking up at the ceiling, and my face is just drenched with tears.

I cried for him. I cried for Zavy. I cried for Justin, Colt, Rick, Ariana, Fuka, Princess Meri, Max, Little Sister.... I cried and was reminded of them and how much I miss them.

You know what guilt and sadness feels like to me? It feels like my stomach is made out of feathers and it being pulled apart, and my heart (the feeling is actually right where my heart is) and it's being completely flattened by a heavy hand. It hurts. Not just emotionally, but physically it hurts too. That's one of the reasons I try and tell the truth as much as possible, because my guilt will get me everytime and flatten my heart.

Anyway, is that normal?

I have spare time. Hell, I have a lot. At work, on breaks, all I do is sit under a tree and wait for 30 minutes to go by. Oh, and don't ask me what kind of tree because god forbid if I knew. I also have addresses of friends and I know I like to get mail. Should I write letters to them all??

No, I think only one might appreciate it, so I guess I'll just send out one letter.

I remember thinking,

I'll go on forever only knowing,

I'll see you again,

But I know...

The touch of you is so hard to remember,

But like that touch I know no other,

And for sure we have danced,

In the risk of each other....

"I'll Back You Up"
Dave Mathews Band