Yeah, okay. Second update in one night, but I can’t keep it in anymore. I have to express it to someone, something.

Movies tend to bring out the status of my relationships with the guy I’m currently seeing, or the intensity of my singleness. Okay, I’m making next to no sense. But I’m seeing someone right now. He’s a great guy, and I really do feel for him. I really do, but I feel so disconnected when we talk. It’s like we’re great friends. He says he loves me, and it always plucks at my heart-strings. He feels something for me; a feeling I never thought I would receive again in my life after him. Even Bryan didn’t feel like he did after we dated.

In my mind, I used to think nothing could ever replace him. And I was right. I still am for that matter, because nothing could ever really replace him. We had the strangest relationship, and all thanks to me, it ended like shit. We would go out for a fixed period of time, then I would get bored and say that I wanted to see someone else, to mix things up, see if he really loved me. A minor week later, we’d be back together.

Whenever I got bored, WHAM! “I want to see other people”. And again, a week later: “I’m sorry, and I love you. I never want to leave you. Let’s try again”. And we’d go out for another few months.

The last time we broke up, he did it. I remember crying, because somehow, I knew it was real. I heard sniffling on the other line.

“Are you crying?” I asked, wiping my eyes.

“I never said leaving you would be easy, Steph.” He said.

I don’t think he ever knew why I broke up with him. I lied to him, and god do I regret it. I could have just…told him that I wanted something interesting to do. It would have been so much easier on me, on him, on everyone around us. Ariana became amazingly stressed when him and I broke up. She made sure she was always by my side, so I wouldn't do anything stupid.

God, I was so selfish! I am selfish! I can’t expect to do such hideous things to a person and expect them to love me when it’s over. It’s too bad that my feelings stayed and never really left me.

But with Justin, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. We’re watching the fireworks tomorrow together, I’ll just see what happens.