Yo no soy una nena celosa. Nada de celos. NO TENGO CELOS. Por nada.

Es cierto, y te prometo que es la verdad. Soy una chiqui cariñosa, simpatica, amable....

Why do I have to remind myself of this?

I spoke words I never spoke before the other night. I want to be Rose. She is so different than Stephanie. She's just... so awkward. It's not to say she's a bad girl, but she's average.

In every endeavor, I strive to be Rose. I am Rose. I am confident, elegant, poised, witty, beautiful. Or am I? Am I even being true to myself, then?

But I love to hear it. I love to hear Him call it out full of lust and desire when we make love. I love to hear it from my classmates when they ask me a question. I love the sense of age and wisdom that I have attached to the name. I love to see myself as gentle and submissive upon first glance, only to reveal my hidden thorns at a later time.

I have told this man more than I have told my best friend. And while I yearn to tell him who I really am, I feel guilty. It isn't his responsibility to attend to me. I am an adult, and I haven't required a sitter for well over a decade.

She sits quietly, listening eagerly to the ticking of the clock that hung upon the wall. Her eyes wander from the screen in front of her to the remote on her right. To pick it up? To pick it up.

A vintage episode of some vintage show dulls my thought process momentarily. A coffee commercial. A chapstick commercial. A Thanksgiving Sale commercial. Is this really what my life has boiled down to? I thought I was destined for something greater.

Click! The television goes off. I am face with the silence around me, save the clock which passes my time for me. I should study. I should work on my Am. Lit. final. I should work on my Teacher's Portfolio. I should close this IM and get ready. I have to get ready. I have to be ready. I have to get ready for finals. I have to get ready for Vegas. I have to get ready to find a job. I have to be ready. I have to get ready.

I have to get happier. I have to arrange a lesson for tomorrow with Jack and Owen. I don't want to. I don't want to do any of this shit. None of it is fun. Is fun coming back? Or did it leave for good?

Woman seeking Ideal: 21 yo hopeless romantic seeks her knight to fetch her from her cold, stone fortress. Must enjoy games (board, video, and reindeer), poetry, cats, cuddling, Marijuana, and sex. Must have a sense of humor and desire a long-term commitment. The jealous may not apply.

Y para aclarar... NO TENGO CELOS!

My phone rings. It's Antonio. I do not answer. I don't pick up the phone for the dead.

To speak honestly.... I want a ring on my finger. I want to get married more than I want to finish school. I want the assurance that I'm not going to be left miserable and alone for the rest of my life.

Y a veces pienso que te quiero.... No. No puede ser. A parte de ser cariñosa y esa joda, soy fiel. Hasta el fin del mundo. Pero hay algunas veces en que te veo y olivido todo al menos de tus labios. Solamente un besito, na'a mas. Un besisisito.... Just one. Just a tiny little one. One so small that its enitre existance could be called into question.

How embarassing.

Yo no te quiero. No te quiero. Nopo. Por nada. Que estoy enamorada... que enamorada estoy. Y no de vos.

...Si un poco de vos.

Aunque yo lo amo hasta el dia que muero, yo te quiero. Hay un lugar sin limites en mi corazon para ti. Has abrido mi mente a pensmiento que nunca he experimentado, y aunque no me gusta la incerteza, me gusta como siento cuando estoy contigo.

How embarassing.

Now I'm nervous.