At Farewell, I can't believe how happy I was. Forget cloud 9, I was on 11. I actually suspected I had built up myself a boyfriend.

No. No, I had imagined it all. When I went to the cast/crew party yesterday I felt as if Zavy was avoiding me. I must admit that I was afraid things was a little wierd between us (I personally felt a little uncomfortable). I don't want to cling to him, but he's really like my safe haven. I can trust him with anything. I used to be able to do that with him, and it breaks my heart to think that I'm afraid he'll reject me. He's my best friend, why am I so afraid he'll hurt me? (physically and emotionally)

What am I supposed to expect with Zavy anyway? I got my hopes up, and now I'll pay a dear, dear price.

It's like I want a boyfriend so badly I've developed a kind of hallucination. It’s not like every guy I meet is attracted to me, and eligible. The guys at school are, for the most part, absolute and total scum. I’d rather have the sweetest, kindest and perfect boyfriend for me that wasn’t attractive in the least than a shallow, conceited bastard that is sexy beyond all belief.

I’ve been thinking about Bryan. We were two kids. Two kids in band whom were lost and confused in life. I was incredibly depressed and he was coping with a tough divorce and custody arrangements.

He smiled at me; I smiled back. Eventually he’d kick my chair and wink. We began to pass notes (a nearly impossible task because I sat front and center in relation to the conductor), and he asked for my number. He called me that night and two weeks later, we were going out.

We were just two kids, confused and wanting more than we already had. Nothing more.

And even though I miss Bryan on occasion, life is really much easier without him.