I bought some of that Mederma Scar Fader today. I’m supposed to put it on 3 times a day for the next 8 weeks and I’ll have no more suicidal scars. Why even bother? I know now that I can’t stop. I’m addicted.

And then there’s him, another little addiction, whom I adore and so….incredibly much.

He chose Ashly over me. A Year and a half versus two weeks? I still love him, and I’m feeling such a range of emotions right now.

I want to cry my eyes out. I want to cry so hard that my eyes begin to bleed. I want to get every tear out of my body. I don’t want any fluids left.

I want to go up to him and slap him and scream at him to send a gentle reminder that Ashly cheated on him. We went out for a year and a half rather than just two weeks. She even said it herself that she doesn’t necessarily want to go out with him, but rather just someone other than her current boyfriend.

I want to tell him he’s lucky that he has a good relationship. He may very well be seeing…the one. I want to congratulate him, but my pride is swollen.

I want to hold him like I used to too. I want to put my arms around him, feel his heart beat against my chest. I want to smell his hair, to taste his tongue.

I also never want to talk to him again. I felt like he’s betrayed me. He left me, I repeatedly try to kill myself for his approval, and this is how he thanks me?

But most of all, I want him to dump Ashly. I want him to come back to me, tell me he wants me alive, that he loves me more than anyone, and that he wants to start a new life with me.

Dammit, I love you! Be with me! If you want me dead, you’re doing the right thing. I am going to cut myself beyond recognition. I am going to lose so much blood, it’ll make your head spin. I am going to get you back, dammit. Either I get you back or I die trying, and I’m not kidding when I say die trying.

Hm, I should start writing my note. I’ve always wanted to kill myself on Christmas Eve. Around 7 pm or so. I’m at my Nana’s house at that time. It’s right after dinner and just before presents. What a perfect time to die.

I wonder how long it would be until they noticed I wasn’t there…?

Christmas Eve is in two days. I don’t want to wait that long. Hm…I don’t think I will. Sounds fine to me. Two days before Christmas Eve….atleast my death would be associated with Christmas.