I don't know where to start exactly. Today has been... the worst day of my life. My denial phase is over, and I can no longer live in that veil of ignorance. It hit me tonight when I was walking from Scholar's Hall back to my car on the other side of campus. It was right after Spanish class, and all of a sudden a downpour started. That's when I looked up to the sky and I knew. I nearly fell to my knees outside of the Library... the place where we truly first met. It broke me down. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm scared to move anywhere or do anything. What if I lose someone else? What if I hurt someone? I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I hardly can now.

Everywhere I looked today was him. When I first woke up, I opened my eyes to see Buddy (my dog I got from him on Valentine's Day) staring me right in the face. Lauren and I walked around campus and I saw Jonathon, his co-worker soon after. I saw a lot of his friends from the Magic tournaments walking all around campus. I heard what I considered to be our song on the radio before I snapped it off in pain. It's never been like this. I've never been around so much 'reminder' material. It's like fate is laughing at me in my face and it wants me dead.

Hali is a friend of mine from Spanish class. She saw that I was bothered I guess because she asked what was wrong. I ended up telling her everything. We had a talk about God and the devine plan and she asked me something that made me cry in her arms. She asked to pray for me. It made me feel so wonderful to be considered worthwhile not only in the eyes of God, but by Hali too.

Now it's my first night alone. In all honesty, although I don't want anyone near me right now, I'm so incredibly lonely. Well I lie. There are a few people I'd like to be around right now, but I:
A. Don't have their phone numbers
B. If I do have their numbers, they're just at the Kittie concert anyway
C. Very possibly don't want to be around me right now.

You know who I want to see? Jason Bishop. I want to talk about cars. He's a friendly face who treats me well.

I'm sorry I let you down, love. I love you. I will for the rest of my life. Sorry.