This entry isn't to make a rouse or try to encourage any hard feelings. I've even considered writing it in spanish, but I think that's rude. If you want to read it, then you may read it.

I have started my job. It's great really with all of these great guys around me who seem to genuinely care about my well-being. I've missed being the 'little sister' figure in the social setting. My job is to smile sweetly, flirt, and make everyone's moral go up, and it's something I like to think that I do well. I get to play the little ray of sunshine and I love it.

I'm starting to make more friends which is a relief but a burden at the same time. I don't mean to say that I don't like it, because I do. I love having people to lean on... and to have them lean on me! What an honor! I guess it's a lot harder to explain than it is to feel.

I hung out with Clayton until 2 something in the morning yesterday and we had a lot of fun. I really didn't want to go out with anyone. I had a night planned at home, but I caved at the idea of singing. We got together and we walked downtown for a while. He bought me a smoothie at Espresso Bay and we went back to my house. He played to guitar and I sang. I haven't really sang like that for a long time and I'm not as good as I once was, but it didn't matter.

After a while we decided that food was in order, so off to J & S we went. I actually ate. We talked about psychology and music.

So today when I got out of work, we both went outside so he could smoke a cigarette. I had just punched out and it was a gorgeous day out. We sat down on the curb.

"So how is Corey then?" He asked.

"He seems like he's good. We talked for a while last night." I said, fiddling with a pebble on the sidewalk.

"I heard rumors. You know. Yeah, and I saw him with another girl. Do you know about that?" He asked.

"No."

Silence.

"You know what I thought when you told me that he left you?" He chuckled somewhat nervously. "I thought 'He's crazy'. You... you're amazing. I don't even know you. We met only a few days ago and whenever I see you...." He trailed off and I looked at him. He stared straight forward and took a drag from his cigarette.

"Everytime I see you or think about you I get butterflies. I really like you. You're incredible and I can't imagine why any man would ever leave you."

I'm sure I blushed a shade to match my hair. I had a feeling since my first day there that Clayton felt something for me, but I felt I must have imagined it. I felt - feel terrible. How in the world can I let someone down like that though? How do you try to explain to someone "Sorry, but I'm not looking. There's only one person I feel I can be with." How do you explain that you're devoted to a dream?

I'm scared and sad by the fact that I will have to tell him eventually about my promise I made to myself. I am finished looking. I don't want to lose Clayton as a friend and that's what I'm scared of more than anything. I'm proud to have the friends I do and the thought of losing any of them is pretty much unbearable. I feel like I have to burn this bridge in order to build it.

My boring self will be going to bed early tonight. Andrew decided to go get drunk tonight, Andrea is busy the entire weekend, Lauren is very ill, it would be awkward to have Clayton around....

So here I sit watching G4, waiting to pass out from exhaustion.

I haven't cried today.

Last night was a great night, and I'm so glad I got to talk to you. ~Taps screen~ Yeah. You.