I wrote this to my mother today.... I never sent it.

I am exceptionally upset, and the current situation is dragging out all of these thoughts and feelings I’d so much rather keep to myself. It’d be easier on everybody else.

I thought out of everyone you'd understand how hard it is for me to find employment right now. I AM looking and it feels like no one even cares about my effort. I'm tired. I’m not sleeping. My grades are awful. I'm stressed. I don't want to be in college anymore, but I'm a failure if I stop. What would your family think of me then?

I hate this lifestyle that I have. It's not me. I don't want to be living in this nice neighborhood with a view of the bay. I don't want to be a perfect family on the outside but inside I feel like I'm tearing it apart for speaking my mind, having an opinion, and expressing emotions. I feel terrible for it. Every day I catch myself thinking we were so much happier when we lived in simplicity with that small 3 bedroom ranch. I know I was just happier in general. Like I said; this house that I live in is not my home, and I want to be out as soon as possible. Our lives together as a family isn't about extravagance

And that’s the reason I want to move out so soon. I’m not happy here. I don’t know why but I’m feeling like I’m constantly on a stage and if I make the wrong move I’m in trouble. I’m sure that once I’m out of the house it’ll be a lot easier financially too. Trust me, this job isn’t just for me, nor has it ever been. Now I’m scared that my unemployment is making me seem like a lazy girl… the judgment I’m so terrified to face.

I couldn't tell her anything like that. It would break her heart, would it not? No, no. Best keep it to myself.

My heart is sinking at the very thought of Corey's birthday. Bad gifts etc, etc, etc. His birthday party that I wasn't even aware of until yesterday. I'm breaking apart slowly and throwing the discarded bits out to sea.

You know I was thinking this while driving home:

Money wouldn't be so tight if I were dead.

I wouldn't need surgery if I were dead.

I wouldn't be hurting anyone else if I were dead.

My parents would have a considerably simpler life if I were dead.

My professors would have a lighter load if I were dead.

I wouldn't have to bother quitting or getting fired if I were dead.

Corey loves me and I love him beyond belief, but he wouldn't have to deal with so much bullshit if I were dead.

...But he's the reason I'm still alive.