Life isn’t wretched, but terribly, terribly painful.

"Are You Hot?" Contestants were asked to parade in bathing suits in front of judges and an audience who critiqued their every little tiny flaw and the announced whether or not they, the judges, were turned on by the contestant. You know what happened... the girls who were deemed "hot" were deathly skinny and had little to no personality whatsoever. In fact, the one girl who did manage to make it to the finals who weighed more than 90 pounds was judged "not hot" because she dared to actually have cellulite.

Yes folks, the worst crime in the world... cellulite.

Ok... not making any sense. This is what I mean to say: I am ALWAYS competing against any woman that I meet. I am constantly comparing myself to her and seeing all of my flaws magnified into bigger than me. When I'm in a line with several people and someone turns around to look my way, I immediately despise the girl just slightly to the side of me for stealing that attention away from me. When I go to a party and have nothing interesting to say, I hate the girl who can just walk in and immediately start up a conversation with everyone. When I'm forced to explain why I am uncomfortable around women to and why I have a hard time befriending women right away, I just hate them more. It's not fair. I hate Princess Meri because SHE IS LOVED. He loves her. Darryl loves her. Kyle loves her. Ariana loves her. Shelby loves her. Kellen loves her. Even Bryan, yes Bryan, my ex thinks she cool and can’t see why we get along. Everyone I know who has meet Princess Meri (with the exception of Kendall and Stacy) have adored Princess Meri from the get-go. I WANT TO BE LOVED. I want him to think I’m even (this sounds so shallow) cooler, sweeter, kinder, cuter, and more dateable than Princes Meri. It's not that I care about the others. Fuck the others. I want to be adored like Princess Meri by him. I want him to see me as I see him.

"She's so cute! She's so funny! She's never upset! She's such a tough chick! She's so pretty! She's so kind! She's not afraid to tell you what she thinking! She's so thin! She gets great grades! He is falling in love with her! She bullshitted that Stephanie girl straight-faced and still has the tenacity to talk to her like nothing happened! She’s the greatest! She’s my new best friend!" I’ve heard it all. It hurts. I hurt. I hurt because I know I’ll never be as perfect as her. I’ll never have a huge group of people I can call up on the phone and just talk about random shit.

It's not a good feeling. I don't enjoy being this way. I actually would love to have a gaggle of girlfriends to get me through the daily mess of my life, but I don't. I only have Kendall and him. In all of my life there have only been 3 girls/women whom I considered friends who didn't betray me in some way, and one is dead.

One of the biggest things that really pisses me off, is that I used to be Princess Meri. I used to be the one who was adored, and thin, the one who made Honors with her awesome boyfriend sitting in the audience at the ceremony, and didn’t care what others thought of me. I used to be funny and cute and easy to piss off when told I was short but you could always tell I was kidding. I used to be the one who kept punching people but I was so little that people wouldn’t be hurt. I used to get visits in the morning by my wonderful and awesome boyfriend and I sat there with him holding me before the bell rang so I wouldn’t be lonely. Now I sit in the band room with my flute on my lap and staring into never-never-land and wondering if I were still that way, if people would still love me…even Princess Meri herself who, at the time was still just Merideth. Not the sought after person, but a great friend who would always tell you what she thought. Never lied. Truthfully…Ariana and Princess Meri were my best friends in the world. A mere year ago, Princess Meri and I were hanging out. Gossiping about ‘hot’ guys, shopping, getting ready for dances together…and making each other laugh. I can’t even look at her anymore.

It's black, bitter, ugly jealousy that eats at me and refuses to let me go.