“A year ago, I had planned on being dead. I cut my wrists weekly. I prayed to god I wouldn't wake up in the morning. It got worse and worse when I did wake up. When I started work, I realized that life won't be perfect, even a nightmare, but I needed to plan and dying isn't that easy. I live for tomorrow. I don't know what will happen within the next month. Who knows what will happen.” A conversation. A conversation that actually took place with Zavy."My only hope is to marry him, and it won't work"

I trust Zavy too much. I’ve told him something that no one knows. My life’s biggest secret. And I told it to him, a preppy guy, who has many friends who detest me.

Why am I not dragging my ass out on the dating scene? I’ll tell ya. I still think for some odd and dipshit reason that he’ll come back. He won’t, but there is the sex. If I go out with some one, then I will not be able to do any sex act with him. I would die. I live for his touch. It’s so stupid. It’s the dumbest thing, I’ve ever said.

I kept my vow though. I said I would not ask anyone out, that love would find me. Either I’m extremely unattractive or the guys I know are very shy. It must be the first one.

I’d kill to have a repeat of the mall. The way he looked was amazing. He seemed like he was reliving a lifetime of stress within the first five minutes of what I considered heaven. I loved it, and have found that I will be DJing dances by myself within the next 9 months and will be allowed to have a partner. I’ll ask him, of course. A few minutes or half an hour won’t be noticeable. Sex is inevitable.