I’d kill to have friends that care enough to come and see me before classes begin in the morning, but I don’t, do I? All I have are scar, memories and fresh cuts that read him name. I did it last night. I’ve learned how to control my razor, and his name is small and artful. It’s cute. I did it last night, and it hurts more this morning than I could have imagined possible. My skin is dry everywhere on my body right now, including on my cuts. The skin is tight on it, and when I move my elbow, it tightens even more and separates the cuts and opens them. Sometimes they bleed.

Teresa, Kurt, Max, and Little Sister will be here today. I often wonder what will become of Max and Little Sister. They’re so young. What will my little cousins grow up to do? I pray that they aren’t like me. No one needs to cut themselves to gain attention. Luck has crossed their way though, the fact remains that they live far enough away that I won’t affect their behavior.

I guess my other cousins, Lauren and Hannah, must feel this way too. Lauren is 6, and Hannah just turned 5. I went to Hannah’s birthday party last weekend and I couldn’t even get close enough to my girls to hug them. It tore me up inside. Whenever I normally see them, they run toward me and hug me and start talking at the same time, trying to tell me stories.

I thought that this was normal. After all, all their best friends were there and they were doped up on sugar and pizza. When the babysitter arrived however, they stopped playing with friends and ran toward her, hugged her, and started talking at once. I hurt all over and didn’t talk. When I drove home, my eyes struggled not to cry.

Replacement conquers my life. Ariana and Princess Meri, Kendall and Stacy, now Lauren and Hannah with the babysitter. All within the last 6 months. What the fuck am I doing wrong? Next it’ll be…no! I won’t say it! If it happens, I’m pulling the gun on myself. I swear I will. I couldn’t live.