Six cuts. Four on my left wrist, two on my right. I did it at school. No one cared. I did it at the lunch table, in plain view so that he could see. No one noticed. I was destroyed. What did I want to happen? I wanted him to grab my wrist and tell me to knock the fuck off.

Have you ever seen 'Girl, Interrupted'? It's a good movie. A very good movie. A girl named Susanna has borderline personality disorder. I took a personality test, and here are my results:

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: High
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: High
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

The very high ones are primarily about having a hard time saying goodbye to things. Like I have a problem throwing out things for Christ sakes. My room is full of shit I really don't need, but I feel like I can't throw them out since I'll end up hurting it. I know, inanimate objects don't have feelings, but I feel that way.

Susanna is a lot like me. She writes continuously, avoids the easy way out of things, and has a little bit of trouble fitting in, but eventually can do it. She bruises her wrists to feel pain and is described as promiscuous.

I have play practice tomorrow from 11 to 2. Laney will be there. Laney actually went home with Chris today. (He got kicked off his bus.) I kept trying to talk and be active in the convo, but I was basically banned and was stuck talking to Chris' little sister, Katie. Laney and I seemed so close two days ago, then when I trying talking to him today, it didn't work and he basically blew me off. I feel so.... I don't know. Hurt I guess. I always feel hurt though. I hurt because Laney won't like me. I hurt because I'm now an outcast. I hurt because Princess Meri is the coveted one. I hurt because I can't have him and I can't grasp it.

I hurt because I cut my fucking wrists open in plain view of all human eyes and know one even looked over at me. No one gives a shit about me. There's nothing left to have. Why in hell am I still alive? Because I'm like Superman without the motivation and penis. I'm invincible, or so it seems.