Hello and this is your local forecast. Current conditions in Traverse City are 80 degrees, cloudy, and a 63% humidity level. It’s a great day to go riding around on your bike or hang out with your friends poolside. ~Glances around, then throws down clicker that changes the background forecast~ IF IT WERE FUCKING DAY! I mean, look at this shit! I’d expect stuff like this during the day, and it’s 11:00 in the night! Dammit, I’m hot, sweaty and uncomfortable! ~Is seen running off stage and going to the news desk~

Hello, I’m Stephanie Jones, more commonly known as perfect. And this, is the best 11 o’clock news cast ever and I said ever dammit! It’s quite similar to my Michigan this morning cast, only late at night! Gee, ‘who da thunk it?’

A man was taken to the hospital this morning after shooting himself in the foot while cleaning a gun. Yeah, well get this people, he didn’t think one bullet hole in the foot was big enough, because he fucking did it two more times before he called an ambulance. Obviously a man. I can see him saying ‘Damn! I shoot my god damn foot. Well shit! Here I go again! Okay, that was the third time, maybe I should call 911, ahh fuck, what’s the number again?’ I mean COME ON!

A man is suing Krispy Kreme for an offensive slogan used on a billboard. The slogan read: “Chew you fat bastard! Chew!” with a picture of a doughnut. The Krispy Kreme denied an interview with the wonderful yours truly. I must admit, I’m deeply saddened. I have a few suggestions….

The state of Michigan have decided that it is time to replace warning signs along the road that are near prisons. The signs currently read “Do not pick up hitch-hikers, they may be escaping inmates”. The decision was decided when a man complained there were too many bullet holes in the sign to read it clearly.

Now for sports! The two ‘future shining stars’ for baseball are a Mr. Brandon Puffer and a Mr. Jung Bong. Is this just a coincidence?

The Wilson sporting company is running low on funds. They hope their new slogan will boost quarterly sales. The new slogan is: Get your hands on Wilson’s balls.

A man is suing Krispy Kreme for an offensive slogan used on a billboard. The slogan read: “Chew you fat bastard! Chew!” with a picture of a doughnut. The Krispy Kreme denied an interview with the wonderful yours truly. I must admit, I’m deeply saddened. I have a few suggestions.

~Breaks down crying~ Why?! Why do I live such a lonely and stupid life?! WHY?!

~Snaps back~ I’m going to bed….