Why was I crying this time? Obviously I’m still hurting from Fuka leaving. But that’s not the biggest thing that’s wrenching my heart.
He has a girlfriend now, and I had no idea. We were talking last night on the phone and he said “What are you going to do when I get a girlfriend?”
I said. “I know it’s going to happen eventually. One day, you’ll meet the woman you’ll marry, and I’m probably be there and smiling and patting you on the back congratulating you.”
“No, what are you gonna feel?”
I didn’t speak. He caught me on the technicality. “I’m gonna feel like shit. Like I want to die.”
“Why? I’ve gone through you seeing other guys and I’ve been fine with it.” He said.
“Well you don’t like me still. There’s a difference.”
He said we may even get back together….
Then I go into 2nd hour almost chipper, then Ashly shows me pictures that she got taken in a photo booth. He was in all of them.
“You went and did something with him this weekend?” I asked.
“Yeah.” She said smiling widely. “We’re seeing each other.”
The girl sitting across from me started talking, but it became a high-pitched mosquito whine. My eyes were burning, and the next thing I know, I was outside of the girl’s bathroom and sobbing my story to Bryan…my ex. Naomi came along and we went for a walk, a long walk. It lasted half of the hour. Naomi gave me the number of his classroom she found in the office, telling me that the rest was my decision.
I almost did it. I almost went into his second hour, gotten him into the hallway and yelled at him until I suffocated. Ms. Tegel found me first. She saw my eyes and my face were bright red, and I was told I should go to the bathroom, go to class or I was welcome to come talk to her in her room.
I chose the bathroom. I cried and cried and cried until I couldn’t breath anymore. I started trying to cut my wrists on the sharp part of the toilet paper holder. My left wrist is red and raw from it.
I went to Ms. Tegel and told her I couldn’t be in Ashly’s class anymore. So I was transferred and now I have a different schedule. I’m starting my new schedule tomorrow and I was honestly shocked at how fast it was able to go.
I confronted him at lunch and we had a rather tearful conversation. I told him I was pissed that he didn’t tell me, that I felt like a total slut after everything we’ve done, that it was a dirty low down trick that he had a girlfriend and just wanted to see what I would have done when he asked me that question last night.
“I live three blocks from this damned place and you know that. I could run home right now. I know the combination to the safe. I could open up that safe, get out that gun and shoot my fucking brains out.” I said clenching my teeth. “I’ve never been so fucking tempted.”
I nearly did it. I stood outside, looking longingly up the road that leads to my house. Rain drizzled down onto my pigtails. I shivered. I decided it could wait until I get home. Besides, then I could see every one for the last time.
It’s not the gun, it’s the razor. The gun is the easy way out. Give me pain.
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