My flute came yesterday, but the post office kept it until we could pick it up, which was today. It's just as perfect as I had imagined.

I'm feeling so wretchedly lonely. I want to be held like I'm loved, not held at arms length like is happening. But there's a catch to this whole thing. I want to be held close by someone I like. Some catch hm? So in other words 'Get another dream. No one will ever love you the way you love them. Go to your room, shut the door and practice your flute some more or something.'

Tomorrow we have a conference downstate for exchange student. A talent show is included, so I'm bringing Tenshi down (I've decided that this is my new flute's name) and we're doing 'America The Beautiful'. I really hope we're on good terms tomorrow. Such as we were today.

"There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing,
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending,
Controlling, I can't seem,
To find myself again,
My walls are closing in
Without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced,
That there's just too much pressure to take,
I've felt this way before,
So insecure."

Linkin Park "Crawling"

I was told that I was beautiful tonight by a guy who asked for my picture online. I hate to sound conceited, but I get that a lot. They then proceed to ask if I'm a virgin, if I'm seeing anyone, how far I'm willing to go on a first date. I feel terribly washed up and used by the end of our conversation.

So, I haven't even mentioned anything about Dan. My now ex-boyfriend? I suppose he didn't like me. He 'barely even knew me'. That's kinda funny, seeing as we went to kindergarten together.

Barely know? I barely know Bill, yet I want to know him, and well. He's a nice guy, which is obvious seeing as I'm trying to get hooked up with him. Val told him I like him last night, and he's been watching me a lot more closely, and looking at me as if I were about to bite him. I think it'd be amusing to go up to him and tell him I have no intentions of doing so, but rather that I'm sure I'm ten times for embarrassed than he is about the whole situation.

The biggest problem has to do with my friends. None of them are overly fond of him, even Val who was a co-section leader with him for marching band is even questioning my intentions. Not that I can blame her.

Tim hates him because of a bickering match they held because Tim is a junior section leader, and Bill said he had better not get cocky over it.

Rick doesn't like him because...well I like Bill. I'm not saying I dislike Rick, but the like is in two totally different manners. Bill is someone I could see as boyfriend worthy, but Rick...well what can I say? We tried and I was so unhappy with the whole thing...especially how things turned out.

Phil shouldn't count, but seeing as he sits at then lunch table with us, it's natural that we'd hear him. Bill is his section leader, and Phil doesn't like him becasue he's so 'intense'. He marks time while doing scales. Well sorry, but I must admit that I'm guilty of that sin. I can't see where Phil says that he's intense. I can't see it. Whenever we talk, he always loosens up and we talk and laugh together.

Just the other night, I fell asleep on the bus coming home from Rockford, and he saw me rubbing my eyes and whinning. He smiled and laughed.

"Ya know, I was all happy and warm. But now I'm not." I said.

"What happened?" He asked.

"I woke up." I whinned. He laughed hysterically. He must have been really tired to laugh at something I said. I'm not entertaining, especially when I'm nearly asleep.

Okay I take that back. Here's a little known secret, when I just wake up in the morning, I tend to waddle for about half an hour.

No school tomorrow. I'm taking complete advantage of this. I'm shooting the alarm clock. But now I have to get my laundry ready to be packed. Good night.