I hate my life. I'm so miserable. Lately, I've been thinking about my ex, Bryan. I have feelings for him again. I always have, but I didn't want to because of him. Now I really wish I would have stayed with him. I was getting on Yahoo so I could talk to him and ask for a second chance. He sent me this:

'Jeremy and I went to see the Two Towers. It was pretty good. We enjoyed it. He and Cassie are still going out. Cassie and I aren't getting along. Oh well, we never did, really. It's funny, I look at my friend's list and I don't remember half the people on it. Old chat room buddies or people I met in Minisota and Texas. I haven't talked to Rachel in a while. We don't get along well anymore either. I started smoking again. I'm hooked. I've given up trying to quit. When I do it only lasts a few weeks then I'm puffing behind the school again. Time has really flown by. I can't believe the year is almost over. It's kinda scary. Two more years and I'll graduate. I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to it or not. I know what I'm going to study to be in college. A language arts teacher.

I'll continue to read your journal. Just to see how you're doing. I'm really sorry about everything and I hope things get better for you. I'm done, finished. I feel as if I'm sufficating, Steph... I hate everything right now. I have nobody left, nobody I can talk to or reach out to. I lost my virginity on friday. I always wanted it to be you, but you can only wait so long right? Besides, I know how much you want your first to be him. Oh well, sex isn't all it is worked up to be anyways. At least I don't think so. Lober wants me to join track in the spring. I most likely won't. I don't have the heart or ambition for sports this year. Come to think of it I never did. My hair's longer. It's three times as long as Sarah's. I like it, cause I can head-bang again.

I just finished reading the rest of your online journal. I just wanted to say goodbye. It's funny, when you have a million things to say and you get ready to talk and you've got nothing. Nothing to say at all. I'll miss you. Goodbye.'

I'm gonna throw up. I can't stand it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna fucking die. Just when I'm ready to pick myself up from the dirt, and I'm ready to live my life and maybe even let myself love someone, something like this happens.